User blog:Joeaikman/King Herod vs Octavian Caesar - Rap Battle

 Merry Christmas, friends, and welcome to another installment in this weird series. Yesterday I was required to write an improv rap battle. This shit thing is the result. I hope you enjoy.

 Rapping first is the ancient King of the Jews and famous advocate for child rights, King Herod the Great, who is facing off with the first Emperor of Rome and general big head, Augustu- I mean Octavian. They are battling because...erm...err...fuck you it’s christmas. Also I know Herod and successes don’t rhyme. They do in the creepy ass voice that I give Herod. Herod is in red and Octavian is in purple.

 ==King Herod==

Herod’s headed to a beastly and brutal beating of a boy

Who would whore himself out for his step-father’s joys

His history of heroics suggests he may just be an amateur

Witnessing the bloodiness of Herod’s firstborn massacre

I’m a known name in nativities, truly the wisest of men

Until a senseless census brought trouble to Bethlehem

<span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(255,0,0);white-space:pre-wrap;">History knows me for that and ignores my successes

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(255,0,0);white-space:pre-wrap;">They would rather celebrate Augustus and villify Herod

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(255,0,0);white-space:pre-wrap;">I was ordered from on high to construct my Grand Designs

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(255,0,0);white-space:pre-wrap;">Temples to the almighty, a place I could harbour my rhymes

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(255,0,0);white-space:pre-wrap;">I have differing images, better hope you get the good version

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(255,0,0);white-space:pre-wrap;">When history remembers you as two different persons

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> ==Octavian==

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">Matching octaves with Octavian is not advised by the conclave

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">Hirtius can surely recall hot days in Spain to your Roman enclave

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">I keep wars civil and am a symbol of peace to all my people

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">There is a reason that your reign is so associated with evil

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">I’m a pro poet of the prose penned and posed by Cicero

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">You’re a perplexing part of a joke, and you lack the Tiber flow

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">I found your verse to be basic, so many jabs but still not harmful

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">Mine is on point like a gladius, I truly left this made of marble

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">Let in the Latin legate and legacy of a lot more than just Caesar

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">Versus a seizer who’s best child catching was in a Hughes feature

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">I built Rome from a republic up to a respected empire, and frankly

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">Shakespeare should thank me for providing a tragedy in Antony

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> ==Herod==

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(255,0,0);white-space:pre-wrap;">I’ve read better than your gestae and pack more than your pacis

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(255,0,0);white-space:pre-wrap;">Rap is more than just poetry, to flyte you need passion

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(255,0,0);white-space:pre-wrap;">You lack the name to properly play the game you dared

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(255,0,0);white-space:pre-wrap;">The language latin is deader than any one of your heirs

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"> ==Octavian==

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">It’s a Testament to my power that I was never deposed by one newer

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">Jew choose how you lose, whether by my sword or by nuture

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">I ruled over Rome, from your Judea all the way to the straits

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">A roman roamin’ to find a king to kick in the se-nates

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">You birthed boys that bored and breathed nothing but hatred

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">For the pagans which Rome saw that they dictated

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.6667px;font-family:Arial;color:rgb(153,0,255);white-space:pre-wrap;">I was beloved by my people, and seen as peaceful, quite happily

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="color:rgb(153,0,255);font-family:Arial;font-size:14.6667px;white-space:pre-wrap;">You were hated by your own for when you killed your own family

Who won? Octavian Herod