User blog:TCalderon/Spider-Man vs Spider-Man - Rap Battle

My favorite superhero has been and always will be Spider-Man. From his slick costume and super powers to his resolve to always get back up after suffering hardships, the wall-crawling Peter Parker has always been a personal hero of mine.

But wait; when it comes to media out of comic books (particularly movies), the webhead has been depicted a number of different ways. So which is the best of them? Which actor and their performance has truly captured the essence of what it means to be Spider-Man?... Beats me. But, with Far From Home  having released this week, I figured a little royale was in order! Don't worry; this battle is spoiler free. :)

RAP BATTLE!

'''SPIDER-MAN! '''

VS

Uh… SPIDER-MAN!

BEGIN!!!

Andrew Garfield:

It’s time to do what a Spider can; on this loser, I’ll be pounding!

‘Bout to rid the world of this product of the early two thousands!

I’m an accomplished actor, starring in Scorsese films!

You narrated the Boss Baby; your career has been killed!

Electric as Electro, and I’ll decimate you wholey!

Got a face that makes the ladies swoon; your expressions are so dopey

I’m getting it with Emma Stone, while you get dumped by Kirsten Dunst!

This battle will be sadder than your phoney emo haircut!

'''Outwitting you with all my quips! All your lines are such a bore'''

You have as much chance of beating me as Raimi making Spider-Man 4!

'''Your career, your credibility, your talent? It’s all failing!'''

That’s why you’re only called “Spider-Man”, whereas I am Amazing!

Tobey Maguire:

Pairing up me and you in a battle is just plain silly

Because unlike me, you couldn’t even make it to a trilogy!

Your second film bombed harder than a grenade to the face!

And those lyrics are like the Sinister Six setup; a total waste!

Who am I? I’m the original big-screen webhead that you mimicked!

Just ask Bruce Campbell which Spidey is more lyrically gifted!

This hipster pretty boy’s about to get kicked out of this arena

It’s Time I deliver disses at him like I do a stack of Pizzas!

Your clinginess and recklessness lead your girl to her demise!

Got the slickest Spidey suit; yours look like a basketball with eyes

I’m the fan-favorite of the movie series; my legacy is flawless!

'''You wish to live up to my films? I missed the part where that’s my problem!'''

Tom Holland: 

The Avengers’ new recruit’s coming in to leave these two beat!

I see no point in arguing when Sony dropped both of you for me!

Even Ned would agree that I’ll knock you both out the park!

Let’s face it; when it comes to fandoms, you guys sorely missed the mark

'''I’m doing this for Mr Stark! Protecting the planet from oncoming threats!'''

You guys couldn’t even save your own relationships!

Man, I teamed up with the Avengers and went toe-to-toe with Thanos!

Whereas Garfield’s universe didn’t go according to Sony’s plans, though

'''And Tobey, you’re a phony! The lamest hero that I’ve seen!'''

How can you claim to be the best when you did that awful dance scene?!

Your small level threats can’t compete with the feats that I’ve withstood!

You can’t be a “Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man” with no neighborhood!

Jake Johnson (Into the Spider-Verse):

Alright, let’s do this one last time; letting loose a Spider-Verse,

Be putting this kid to sleep before he gets himself hurt

My name is Peter B. Parker; here to best all of these imposters!

I’m Miles ahead of all of you, winning the animation Oscars!

Ooh, you seem really cool, rocking all those neat gadgets

Too bad they didn’t save your ass from turning into ashes!

'''You’ve got some big shoes to fill! Stark has left you overwhelmed!'''

How about you be good on your own, and quit spoiling your films!

You’re slacking in your gracefulness; I suggest you learn from Gwen

Packing rhymes that leave more of a punch than Kingpin!

You’re out of your element, Penis Parker; your style is so deprived

I had more growth in one movie than you had in five!

Yuri Lowenthal (Spider-Man PS4): 

As the fight was getting intense, Spider-Cop arrives on the scene!

The best all-around Spidey’s coming in from the small screens!

Most accurate of the bunch; got the humor and the motive!

Whereas every single one of your movies feels so bloated!

These three live action try to be funny, and end up being clowns!

And Peter B., you just took Tobey’s shtick and added a hundred pounds!

Took on more baddies than any of you; I simply can’t be beaten!

Owning all of your suits, so now none of you are needed

But I suppose despite our differences, there is one thing we have in common

We each bring something new to ensure our origins won’t be forgotten

Take it from both of our Miles’; anyone can wear the mask!

What makes you different is what makes you Spider-Man!

WHO WON?!

WHO’S NEXT?!

YOU DECIDE!!!

Who won? Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire) Spider-Man (Andrew Garfield) Spider-Man (Tom Holland) Spider-Man (Jake Johnson) Spider-Man (Yuri Lowenthal) -

Trivia:

Yes, this was inspired by Alanomaly's Joker vs Joker and Nerdout's Spider-Man Rap Battle. I simply wanted to give my own spin on this idea.

I wanted to include other takes on the character, like the 90's Spider-Man animated series, and maybe the Spectacular Spider-Man series. In the end, I decided the four movie iterations and Spidey PS4 would be enough.

Go watch Spider-Man: Far From Home! In theaters right now! (#NotSponsored)