User blog:TCalderon/Squidward's Suicide vs Dead Bart - An Unbridled Rage

Happy Halloween, boys and ghouls! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

"But it's not October anymore."

You're not October anymore.

Yeah, I meant to do a proper Halloween rap battle this year with my main series, Weeb Shit vs Anything, but some life stuff got in the way and I lost my motivation to do it. Plus, it was getting too ambitious for a mere bonus battle, and will likely make it's way to Season 2. Plus plus, ERB literally just used Dracula in their latest battle. So, instead, lemme take you back to the dark ages of the Rap Battle Community. Before the days rap battle writers cashing in on the hype of trendy Youtube Let's Play fodder like Five Nights at Freddy's, Mama Tattletail, Bendy & the Ink Machine, Hello Neighbor, Yandere Simulator, Doki Doki Literature Club, etc etc etc, we got our horror fix from a different and (arguably) less legitimate source.

CREEPYPASTAS! Or, creepy copypastas. Or or, horror stories that were passed around on the internet. These things were very very prominent on the internet back in the day, especially with the demographic of edgy and impressionable teens. And seeing how the fanmade ERB community was mostly made up of edgy and impressionable teens, that meant a lot of rap battles were made off of them! It was practically a law that if you weren't ERB, and you were running a rap battle series, you absolutely HAVE to feature creepypastas in your series somehow, be it with an unneccessary reference to such characters, a simple rap with two or three of such characters whole ass royale of such characters. In principle, there's nothing inherently wrong with making rap battles about these stories. I mean, I'm personally under the opinion that the most mainstream characters of this lot, like Slenderman, Jeff the Killer, Smile Dog, Ticci Toby... *sigh* Jane the Killer (ugh) are overrated garbage, but at the very least, they are original creations with their own material to draw from.

What does perplex me are the rap battles centered around the cartoon and video game creepypastas. It's like... what's the point? All these stories are just the same! I tried to play Mario Paint, but the Nostalgia Critic and Peter Griffin bled at me. There, that's what all these stories are like. They're basically writing a rap battle based on a fanfiction created by some guy looking for attention, and treating the story like it's a legitimate piece in it's own right, when the original source material works just fine on it's own. To me, that translates to writing a rap battle based on that edgy Powerpuff Girls web comic where Dexter from Dexter's Lab is trying to rebuild his dead sister. Seriously, why would anyone make these things? *looks at the views of today's subject matter* .......Oh. That's why.

That brings us, the long way around, to Squidward's Suicide vs Dead Bart by Epic Rap Battles of Cartoons. I believe this is the second of the Creepypasta Royale trend after ERBParodies' Slenderman vs Jeff the Killer. Feel free to correct me on that one. I feel it appropriate to talk about this battle in particular now, seeing how a recent episode of Spongebob actually referenced the Squidward's Suicide story. For real, look it up. Starting with the matchup, it's... odd, to me. Not because it doesn't make sense, but because (as I alluded to above) I can't see a ton of material that they could pull from with these characters? Squidward's Suicide is about Squidward taking his life after being bullied by the Bikini Bottom residents, and Dead Bart is about the Simpsons family grieving over the death of Bart after a horrible plane accident. With that in mind, wouldn't it be incredibly out of character for Squidward, as he is depicted in this story, to start boasting about how great he is and how much better he is than whoever his opponent is when he's supposed to be a suicidal mess of a cephalopod? Or for Bart to do... anything at all? Because he's dead in this story? Bah, nitpick. Let's begin properly, shall we?

The original battle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozJk2tNxZiM

Announcer:

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF CARTOOOOONS!

(Ooph. And again, we see that time in a rap battle creator's life where they haven't hit puberty. It's especially noticable when they to try to sound scary, and have the logo be incredibly hard to read with the red text in front of a red backdrop! Speaking of that backdrop, are we in space? What an odd way to start this battle off.)

SQUIDWARD'S SUICIDE!

(Oh. We're naming the characters after the story instead of just their regular name? Well, I guess if it was just "Squidward", we wouldn't know that this was the SPOOKY VERSION of the character. Also, what is creepypasta Patrick doing here? Why does he just float away, was he not supposed to be here? And what happened to Bikini Bottom to make it perpetually nighttime? And where did you find this low quality png of Squidward, exactly?!)

VS

DEAD BART!

(PFFT! Okay, for starters, what is this background? This looks like an allyway from GTA. What's with that clipart of a purple car? And why does it explode?! Who directed this video? Megumin, from the hit anime series Konosuba? Lastly, why is it Homer's body, when it's supposed to be Dead BART?! Could it be because the picture used to represent Bart's decaying body from this lost episode is actually from a clip of Homer's face melting? )

BEGIN!

Dead Bart:

'''YOU'RE DEAD, SQUID! Like your music career!'''

(YOU'RE DEAD, BART! You effin' hypocrite. Also we got Mat4yo voicing Bart, and he sounds nothing like Bart. Then again, it's a hard voice to impersonate, and especially hard to make it sound creepy.)

Guess you can't hear that you suck, cause you don't have ears

("You got two giant ears, but can't hear that you suck"!)

You got a watermelon brain, and dick for a nose!

("F*ckin' DICK-NOSE! Your SHIT BLOWS! You playing clarinet is a SHIT SHOW!")

I'm gonna stomp you flat, like your music notes!

(Neat diss, but why are you telling it to this version of the character specifically? Yeah, I know, in the original story, Squidward was booed at his clarinet recital and that's what pushed him towards committing suicide, but being a bad clarinet player is just in line with his character already! These disses relating to his music sounding bad could be told to regular Squidward, and it wouldn't make a difference.)

I bet the only reason they found you on the bed

Is cause you never had a bitch to blow your clarinet!

(No, actually, it was because was booed at his clarinet recital, and generally lives a miserable and depressing life. Good joke, tho.)

You can't come back because you're already dead,

and in the end I'll leave your Easter Island beheaded!

(Bart. Dude! You're dead as well! And even ignoring that, what's beheading him gonna do? You're just severing a corpse, wow! What an accomplishment! Do you see why these versions of these characters don't make for a good rap battle? Also, these visuals tho! Ooh!)

Squidward's Suicide:

I would practice for my concert then challenge a brat to a brawl

(I just wanna point out that Cam Greely of VideoGameRapBattles fame is playing Squidward here. I point it out because you probably couldn't tell it was him with those weird effects on his voice. It's also weird hearing him in videos like this when he's... not really part of the community much, anymore? He's moved on quite a ways into more less just doing his own thing, with maybe the collab with Mat4yo here and there. Just a little anecdote, seeing how these lyrics aren't giving me much to work with.)

I can break a window from a plane so you can fall

(Uh... good for you, I guess?)

Nobody cares if you're dead with your bloody corpse

(You're also dead. Effin' hypocrite.)

With the stretching and blurring and looks deformed

I committed suicide because I can't take your shit!

(AUGH! What is that voice in the background?! Jeez, warn a guy next time! And dude, seriously? We've been over this! The crowd booing at you is why you killed yourself! I get twisting around or exaggerating the context in service of telling a joke for these rap battles, but that's not the case. You're just... lying.)

And Homer made a joke because he doesn't care about you, bitch

(This is probably the closest to a decent diss we've got so far. Bitch.)

The drawing hyper-realistic looks f*cking lame

Why do you even have to mess around on a f*cking plane?

(These disses are stretching it so much that even Reed Richards is jealous.)

Dead Bart: 

The way you play your clarinet sounds like people dying!

(Oh, we're doing the thing where we give the two title characters two verses each in a royale? Entirely killing the purpose of this being a royale, if the two lead characters already have enough material to warrant a full four verse battle? Well that's egregious. And it's even more egregious since these two clearly don't have enough material to even warrant one verse each!)

And the crowd from the concert had read realistic eyes!

(Not that you could tell from that picture. And yeah, Bart, I read the story too, thanks.)

You can't rap at me cause you make no sound!

(Wha- dude, he JUST rapped a full verse to you! You accuse him of being deaf, and yet you clearly need to check your ears!... though, then again, you're dead, so...)

But you can show five frames of dead kids found

(The updated version of this video has these pictures of dead kids blurred out. The original version didn't... Yeah, I can see why no one involved in the making of this video is having any fond memories of it.)

I would tell you to kill yourself, but you beat me to it!

(The second line that comes the closest to being funny.)

Your chances of winning ain't your clarinet, but you still blew it!

(Suicide joke, clarinet joke. That's it, that's Bart's entire verse here in a nutshell. This is why I try to avoid making my battles repetitive.)

Don't you dare stare for f*cking three seconds!

I may have died from a fall but your shot was more wrecking

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTdu3_KEIqE)

Squidward's Suicide:

Your "mystery" was found because of fucking stalking

(And your lost episode was possibly made as some sick prank; what's your point?)

And a black screen with a download link I won't be installing

(Remember kids; don't download random links to your computer. You might catch a virus.)

When you died, your homes were f*cking debandoned

(Yeah, I'm with the random screaming voice in the background. And "debandoned"? That's not a word. And can we stop with the random swearing? I get it; you're edgy. But cut it out!

And you're laying in the casket when your corpse was stranded

Your family was staring at you like "THANK GOD!"

(Probably; I can't be arsed to read these stories from 2012 again.)

And the tombstones in the area had the deaths written on

(...as opposed to having just the births written on?)

The credits were silent hand-written BULLSHIT!

(Can Squidward just review this battle for me? He's just summarizing the story at this point.)

And the dead dates were on the same dates the episode said it

(Worst. Fininshing line. Ever. Or at least it would be if we were actually done. Jeez.)

Sonic.exe:

'''Ready for round 2?! *Kefka laugh* Let's go!'''

(Uuuuuuurrrrrgh! I can't freakin' stand Sonic.exe! To me, it's basically the epitomy of badly made creepypastas that somehow got popular due to some Youtuber making it big by pretending that it's scary. It especially hurts that I'm a huge Sonic fan, seeing how this edgy shitstain is a big part of my fandom. Also, Sonic isn't a cartoon character. Also also, this line sucks.)

I'll show you two shitpastas that you're just my hoes!

(Really, Sonic? Why settle for these corpses when you have Sally.exe? Or Amy.exe? Or Shadow, Knuckles, Tails, and... gee, there are a lot of terrible Sonic creepypastas out there, huh?)

'''Dicknose, your aren't scary! Suicide's not exciting'''

("F*ckin' DICK-NOSE! Your SHIT BLOWS!" Also, at least we can agree on one thing; a story where the only highlight is that the main character kills himself ISN'T exciting. And maybe you shouldn't write a rap battle about him with that being the case.)

Just play my game if you wanna see frightening!

(Pssh! Yeah, right. Try as you might, you're never gonna make the cuddly and adorable Sonic the Hedgehog into something that's scary.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvvZaBf9QQI

(...Nevermind.)

Bart, you're a disappointment; dying without style!

(What, you wanted him to do a flip as he jumped out that plane?)

Motherfucker, I'll leave your wrecked ass like Kyle

(That sounds likes a sex joke.)

You two are comedies, your freak factor is flawed

(Like you're any better?!)

'''Do I have to repeat? I AM GOD!'''

(Apparently, you DID have to repeat that, seeing how that dumbass phrase was reused in your battle against Rainbow Dash. Alright, that's enough from the roadkill. Who's next?)

Tails Doll:

(Hahaha!)

You'll feel trapped and dead when you enter your bed

I'll be kicking your head and all the blood will be spread!

(Ugh, ANOTHER Sonic character? Do we need to taint the franchise than what the fandom has done already? What even is the deal with Tails Doll, anyway; it was just a one-off character from a side game that most people agree was awful, save for a kick-ass soundtrack. And I recognize this animation from those Sonic flash collabs from Newgrounds. Yeah, the one that ends with Tails Doll getting a hug from Cream the Rabbit, if I remember correctly. Anyway, it doesn't help that this dude has the best flow out of everyone here so far.)

I'm the Tails Doll, and Sonic.exe, you will be damned

(Oh, are you gonna do that thing where you just diss every single rapper who came before you? Alright.)

You unlocked me friend, and I'm coming back again

Squidward's Suicide, just kill yourself real quick

And Dead Bart, I hope you get pierced on a stick

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcZzlPGnKdU)

I'll be pushing these maggots with my plushy penetration

(Replacing that word because it's unneccessary and because I don't wanna get banned again. Also, I would make a sex doll joke here, but let's be honest; you probably came up with ten better jokes about that than I could come up with in your head.)

I hope I made clead this is your final destination

(No items, Fox only?)

I'm as cursed as can be, I'm a haunted lord

(Why are you going on longer than everyone else.)

I'll snap your neck or slice you with a sword

(What does that have to do with being a creepy doll who haunts people?)

Knuckles and Sonic R dead by now

(...*cough*)

What you can do to make me calm is fucking bow!

("Calm"? What, were you angry? I genuinely couldn't tell.)

Two stupid cartoons with a little change

Like hollow eyelids or little bites of his face

(Yep, you said it.)

And one stupid hedgehog from a not scary game, ha!

(You come from a game with songs that have titles like "Can You Feel the Sunshine", and "Super Sonic Racing". Get all the way out of here with your nonsense.)

I'll kill you like I killed those kids, Gill and Noah!

(A threat that will be empty to anyone who hasn't read the original Tails Doll creepypasta.)

(And next we transition to the next rapper with an old TV set with the Noggin Original logo. Not gonna lie, I don't mind this too much. What I do mind is, uh, the next part where some kid is lighting a flashlight next to his fence for way too long, only to be presumably killed by Happy Appy. It just completely kills the pacing of the battle. Also, what constitutes a rapper here getting a build up or not? I can understand having a buildup to the last rapper, having small buildups for each rapper, or just no buildups at all, but why make a buildup for just some of the rappers while everyone else just sorta shows up? I don't get it. Also also, the subtitles from here up to the end of the battle are a full second ahead of the vocals. Lovely.)

Happy Appy:

'''Time to watch some TV! What would you like to watch?'''

A dubbed over Blue's Clues, or a show that got banned when it got launched?

(Neither, I'm catching up to season 4 of My Hero Academia, thank you very much.)

I will take you to my van and get this episode unreleased

(...Is this damn apple trying to come onto me?)

Allow me to finish off this battle leaving you TORTURED AND DECEASED

(I love it when, in a rap battle royale, one of the rappers who isn't the finished says that he'll "finish the battle". And by love, I mean I'm annoyed by it! And please don't give him that scary voice filter for the rest of his verse.)

Let me make kids entertained with my deadly smile

(You gave him the scary voice filter for the rest of his verse. I guess you gotta compensate for how unscary this apple with real lips is, huh? I wouldn't know how scary "Happy Appy" actually is, as I've never read his story, but this is not a good introduction to him.)

My episodes were found now you're all the missing files

(What are you, Monika?)

I'm the king of the killing, all of you will be dead

But don't be scared, death's a cycle; that's natural, children

(Wait, that's it? You're done with your verse? But you didn't diss every single INDIVIDUAL RAPPER WHO CAME BEFORE YOU!... In fact, you didn't diss anyone! You just deadass came in and bragged about yourself. Talk about a pimp, yo.)

Cupcakes:

This is your time to pay, this is your judgement day

(...Cupcakes is not a creepypasta. It's a horror pony fanfiction. And a bad one, at that! I mean, I guess it's nice that we have another cartoon character in this cartoon rap battle, but still! Also, that sounds nothing like Pinkie Pie. In fact, this sounds like someone got their little sister to record this and decided "Eh, I'll make it sound scary in post!". Having said that, though, I like that this lyric is a quote from Andrew W.K.'s "Ready to Die", which was used in that infamous Cupcakes animation by MisterDavie (that's being used for a large bulk of Pinkie's visuals here). Too bad it's not delivered well...)

I have a knife that's sharp, are you ready to play?

(No thank you, your story haunted a lot of early experiences with the brony fandom.)

'''Squidward, you're a loner. You can't make a smile'''

(And you make foods out of your best friend's intestines, what's your point?)

Dead Bart, you can eat my shorts, cause yours are vile

(What're you, the pants critic? And you don't wear shorts for him to consume.)

Sonic.exe, you are too slow

(The one rapper that Eminem was too afraid to diss, ladies and gents.)

Tails Doll, you are my dolly, it's time to add a little bow

(It's times like these where I wish that Mancha's royale formula of just having each rapper solely diss the rapper who came before them caught on a lot earlier in the community.)

Happy Appy, you don't look happy, no need to cry

(Oh, I ain't cryin'. I'm laughin', in fact.)

It's time to make some Cupcakes, so you better get ready to DIE!

(Can you imagine if Andrew W.K. sounded like this.)

BRVR:

You think you're scary shit, you're taking it a step too far!

(Of all the Pokepastas to use, why use the freakin' BRVR one? That one stunk! And one again, we're entering video game territory in this cartoon rap battle. Lovely.)

For you can't grasp the true form of me, BRVR

(Don't you DARE disgrace the one and only Giygas around me, mister!)

I'll tear your precious souls and simulate the same Hell

That I went through, yet I'm not crying like your pussy selves!

(Your whole story is about your player abandoning you, and you taking out your revenge. And you got the same bloody tears as everyone else. Not crying my ass!)

My master's deep inside my heart no matter what

It makes me write my darkest thoughts, crafted by all of your blood

(Forgive me if I'm struggling to be scared of a damned Pikachu. And unlike Sonic, your live action equivalent was actually pretty well designed.)

I'm going to leave and hope for good rappers among us

(You and me both, dude.)

Even if it means staying here alone IN THE DARKNESS

(Personally, I find Darkness from the hit anime Konosuba to quite hot, so I wouldn't being in her.)

Uboa: 

Time to turn off the lights, so you can't see me killing you

(...Uboa isn't a creepypasta, he's a creepy NPC from Yume Nikki that you could run into. And he's probably the furthest from a cartoon character as you can get! Ah well; it's cool to see Yume Nikki get some representation, seeing how that's a genuinely great game. Hey, maybe this verse will at least be good!)

'''Oh, you all wanted to win? Well BOO-F*CKING-HOO!'''

(...Nevermind. I dunno what I expected from a voice that unfitting.)

'''Welcome to Hell! Would you like to have a bike?'''

Nah, who cares

(I sure as hell don't.)

You won't even dare to like it!

("Tell 'em 'bout the Twinkie!" "Like your verse, it's all fluff and filler." Also, excellent rhyme! It wasn't forced at all.)

Get ready to be trapped, I'm Poniko's true form

(What's this?! An actual reference to the source material?! HOLY SHIT!... and it's still wrong! Uboa being Poniko's true form is just fan-speculation, not something that's actually confirmed in the game. Don't tout it around like it's canon.)

This is my revenge, go and flash it some more

(What, do you get off to people flashing the lights on and off? I'm guessing you and Nosferatu would get along.)

I'm in many other games like me, and I flow, ah!

(What's the deal with that "Ah!" at the end, there? If I didn't know any better, I'd say that only wrote the line like this just to have something to rhyme with "Uboa". But you guys should know better than to do something dumb like th-)

'''Guess who the winner is? The answer is Uboa!'''

(...Frankly, I don't see why we need ERB anymore. These guys clearly got it covered.)

Villager:

Wait a second!

(Wait, wha-)

'''Hello neighbor, how are you? I'm really fine'''

(W-wha?!)

I got a letter saying it's time for you to die

(WHAT?!)

I need to get my axe, but it needs to be cleaned

(WHO?!)

From all the Villagers that I have ever meet

(WHERE?!)

I'm the Animal Crosser, you all are just rip offs

(What the hell is this?!)

I will bury you all if you will just stop

(What the HELL is this?!)

I'm the best selling Nintendo game and your winner for now

(What the HELL IS THIS?!)

You all better back away cause The Villager came to town

(...Okay. So that just happened. *sigh* At least it's all over, now-)

SuicideMouse.avi:

Hello everybody, it's me Mickey Mouse

(...Are you serious? THIS is the finisher? Just an endless of clip of Mickey Mouse walking and not even committing suicide? At least Bart and Squidward had actual stories! And what's with this whack ass beat?)

And no one will top me, GET OUT OF MY CLUBHOUSE

(Adding a second graggly voice does not a scary character make.)

Squidward's Suicide, go back to your concert

(Oh, you're doing the thing where the last rapper of a royale just disses every single rapper who came before, huh? I'd complain, but what are you supposed to do with Suicide Mouse.)

Dead Bart, you know breaking plane windows are hazards

(Now you know, and knowing is half the battle!)

S.EXE and Tails Doll are gay mates

("Uh, I need to diss two characters in one line, uh, OOH! I know! A gay joke! Brilliant!")

Apple and Horse, surrender for God's sake!

(You REALLY ran out of steam writing this part of the song, didn't you?)

'''BRVR and UBOA? What a f*cking joke!'''

(Bart you're this, Pinkie Pie you're that, Villager your... Actually, he doesn't mention Villager at all. I mean, I would like to forget about that part too, but still. No actual references or anything, just empty noise.)

SuicideMouse.avi, the creepypasta of the MOST!

(it's generally understood that the last rapper of a royale is the most important one? Because you wouldn't end your big ass battle with a disappointing finisher. It'll make the rest of the thing seem bad, and we don't want that. Ah well, at least it's finally over.)

WHO WON?!

(I did.)

WHO'S NEXT?!

(Not anymore creepypasta characters after this battle, I can tell ya that.)

YOU DECIDE!

(Interesting how nobody suggested this, apparently.)

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF CARTOOOOO- *static*

(Ooh, spooky.)

-

So that was Squidward's Suicide vs Dead Bart, and boy was that a trip. Yeah, I can see why ERBoC opted to scrap the sequel to this battle, and only ever acknowledged it again as an April Fools special. Good thing too, as their new content has actually been really good as of late. Shame they don't upload very frequently, though. So yeah, creepypasta battles like this one are dumb, they're not really attempted anymore these days, and the ones that are still made tend to stray away from the "cartoon character with bloody eyes" trope. So.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go play an unlabeled cartridge containing a Sonic game that my friend warned me not to play because it supposedly has a haunted spirit living inside of it or something. See ya!