User blog:El Alamein/Fidel Castro vs. Tommy Wiseau. Epic Rap Battles of Things That Don't Make Sense

Well, it's been a while, and I'm not going to try to pretend that I'm keeping up with any regular posting schedule, but at any rate here's another parody ERB. This time it's Fidel Castro and Tommy Wiseau. (This was originally going to be Tommy Wiseau vs. Tommy Wiseau but it was way too hard to write double the disses for the same guy, especially someone with as little information on them as Wiseau.)



Beat: Julius Caesar vs. Shaka Zulu



VS!



BEGIN!

Fidel Castro
Johnny, meet Tommy, he's a disaster

Who thinks he's a good director and an actor!

But when I go hand-to-hand with you, I go loco!

Tie up your wrists, crack your melon like a coco!

Send it overseas with a message for Batista!

If you mess with Castro, only death with teach ya!

If you cross my borders you'll head straight to your doom,

And get fucked by more than just Mark and Lisa in your room!

Tommy Wiseau
(Ha ha) You talk a lot of shit for a man in green jammies,

I heard you had a Bay of Pigs, but I don't see any hammies!

The most I've ever known about any Cubans are sandwiches,

So I'll be chomping down on you like a bunch of sand-bitches!

You should take your CIA poison and just swallow it,

My film is much better than your speech, you can't follow it!

I'm the wisest Wiseau and I swear I'm from Poland...

Or maybe it was France or just that place I go bowling!

Ask my critics if I'm a pepperoni pizza,

I'll throw a football at you like "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!"

So don't go pointing your guns at me,

If I wanted to see myself shot, I'd just watch my own movie!

Fidel Castro
Right, I've heard of your film, tell me, how did it do?

Oh yes, everyone thinks it's just a pile of poo!

So who's gonna want you and your autograph

When the fruit of your labor's just met with a laugh!

By the Cuban soldiers, trained in camps

To belittle any director's shitty brown crap!

I got the health of a lion and the wealth of a commie,

And everyone knows you're just a loser, Tommy!

Tommy Wiseau
Ooh, can I just be Johnny, 'cause I'm going to laugh! (Ha ha!)

I'll pack seats with the footage of me kicking your ass!

First my whack script will flow forth and leave you wanting answers!

Then I ignore your pleas and suddenly: you have cancer!

Let your troops come at me, my films still have a trademark!

When The Room starts I always make sure that the lights are dark!

Because I did not hit her, it's not true! It's bullshit!

I did not hit her! I did not! ... Oh, hi Mark!

Poll
 Who won? Fidel Castro Tommy Wiseau