User blog:TKandMit/Joffrey Baratheon vs Caligula. Epic Rap Battles of Heroes and Villains Season 3

Hey, I'm going to be sorta busy this weekend so I'm pushing this one out a little early, so let's just jump into it. Welcome back to Epic Rap Battles of Heroes and Villains, the only series where you're guaranteed to see me actually write a battle. Maybe. This battle was going to happen wayyy earlier back in Season Two, following Jesse James vs Al Capone, but I had to keep pushing it back later and later. Well, it is finally here! Roman emperor Caligula takes on the Game of Thrones king, Joffrey Baratheon, in a battle for the throne. My guest for today is Joe, writing for House Baratheon. I also want to give a shoutout to Jella, who was originally going to write for Joffrey when I first wanted to do this, but couldn't do it. Thanks again for trying to help, Jella. Also, I have to thank Wonder, who made the cover and Joffrey's title card a long time ago and I'm only just using now. Alright, that's it, enjoy the battle.

Cast
Cam Greely as Joffrey Baratheon

Nice Peter as Caligula

Beat
(Starts at 0:29)

Introduction
Epic Rap Battles of Heroes and Villains!

Versus!

Begin!

Caligula:
Who there wants to battle? This little bird on my mantle?

I’ll dismantle this bastard! You couldn’t blow out a candle!

You couldn’t handle an army, what makes you think you can take a Caesar?

You’re more like a whiny teenager, and not fit to be a leader!

I’m a GOD! A Roman omen is coming to open your head!

Fuck you! Your time as king is limited, let’s put that to bed!

That crown must be too tight! I see no heir made it to the throne!

Thumbs down! You damned gladiator, you won’t make for a good show!

Joffrey Baratheon:
I am the King, not some phoney emperor sitting on a phoney throne,

Our enemies surround us but I'll make Widow's Wail in your Rome

And return home a hero, like my father when he dropped the hammer

And butcher a Roman to use your blood as the red upon my banners.

You were the son of a war hound, I tame bitches like Cleganes!

And I hear that Castamere rang with the sound of Caligula's Rains!

Fuck the poor and the horse lords who crowned Queen Whore,

Put my caliga up your backside, killed like a King in the North.

Caligula:
Get with it, Prince Lannister, your guards aren't here to save you,

And how could you rule your land if your own fans hate you?

This King’s Landing madman is bound to crash and burn!

A Song of Ice and Fire? I expected a hotter verse.

Joffrey Baratheon:
Saddle up your priest and see how you fare in the lists,

I have fools in my court who could best you when pissed.

It's no wonder your smallfolk wouldn't pray for your life,

You should have made better lyrics, not love to some guy's wife.

Caligula:
Oh look, it’s little jealous Joffrey and his voice in poison,

Bring your loyal boys in! I’ll have all of them destroyed, kid!

You think this is a Game, child? We’re not the same, child!

Just one taste of power and you were made wild!

Of course you’re a tyrant that skins kittens: I can see right through this pussy!

But seriously, Joffrey, what’s to be expected from the son of Cersei?

Just like your death, you’re gonna choke on this victory!

You should’ve joined my brothel, if you really want to fuck with me!

Joffrey Baratheon:
Your conquerings were pitiful, so let's fight with steel!

You're a craven at heart, so you better bow down and kneel.

Busy burning bridges like Wildfire upon the Blackwater,

Pull your armies into mine and Westeros will see slaughter,

Your Praetorians are full of traitors, cravens and heathens,

If we go Guard to Guard, my uncle will see yours beaten!

I could do it myself, sure, but why should a King have to bother

When I can just send you away to die in exile like your mother?

Who won?!

Who's next?!



Who won? Joffrey Baratheon Caligula