User blog:ERBofSmoshery/Judge Judy vs Simon Cowell - Epic Rap Battles of History: Season 2 Episode 8

American prosecution lawyer, Judge Judy, and English television personality, Simon Cowell, rap against each other to see who is the better critical television judge. But what happens when another judge comes in to settle the scores?

Cast
Andy Monk as Simon Cowell

Jackie Tohn as Judge Judy

Nice Peter as Judge Dredd

Clarence L. Gaines IV as Petri Hawkins-Byrd (cameo)

Lyrics=

[Note: Simon Cowell is in light blue, Judge Judy is in sandy brown , Judge Dredd is in green , and Petri Hawkins-Byrd is in brown .]

Simon Cowell:
*Interrupting the announcer* Alright, let me just stop you there

What the bloody hell…? Have you got a second song? This one's a drool

It's first-rate mogul against a glorified vice principal of a middle school!

I'm a cash Cowell, respect and power all rise when I take the floor

You're a misleading actor, and nothing more than the Doctor Seuss of law!

Your whole career's a limitless act that even I couldn’t bear to manage

Phony baloney suing defendants while your producers pay the damage!

Listening to you's a capital punishment, and I'm known to be demanding

But I still wouldn't give you a chair if you were the only contender standing!

Judge Judy:
Order! Case number eight, your honour. Thankyou, no info's needed For me to beat a heated Syco in twenty seconds flat! Be seated!

Mr. Cowell, it is your claim that you can seize MCs at ease

Too bad you couldn't autotune some valuable music expertise!

Tinky-Winky hits? This business magnet's only attracting dust!

While I've been busting out the records since your Records went bust!

Your shows are so ad-missable, at least you're used to quick declining!

Think you're a wiz at polishing axe? (Ha!) Your peak was at The Shining!

(Oh please!) You're so Pop Idle! You need to manage the way you dress!

I'll swiftly beat you fair and square; that’s some over-due process!

Taking second-hand Silvermans since you first got with your lover

But if it comes to having the Ex-Factor, you'd get the golden buzzer!

Simon Cowell:
Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I don't know what's more absurd

That new hairdo or the fact you're just a budget Bader Ginsburg!

This hideous Wapner wannabe's still an Ed Koch-botched joke

Can't even string a proper sentence, and I'm not talking about the stroke!

I'm in my Primetime, so you better first-run back to your law class

Took the bars, but just how low'd you have to set them to actually pass?

Though your small claim to fame is being the longest on the cable

Phoenix Slight and Hardly Byrdman still bring nothing to the table!

I'm a patron making donations, spawning spin-offs around the globe

You're a stonewashed Claude Frollo dressed in a shower curtain robe!

I've got flairs; you’ve got flares! You wouldn’t daunt me with that glare!

You're so bad, you'd singlehandedly bring court shows off the air!

And I don't need an iWitness to judge that game show as a flop

You broke your standing like an earthquake in a stolen china shop!

Hit the buzzer and end your game, and there's no rematch for revenge

'Cause I'm dunking on your court, you're with your ball boy on the bench!

Judge Judy:
Open your eyes up like that shirt and we wouldn't have so much grief!

It can't be easy for your performers in the spotlight… of those teeth!

Sinitta dick you boring morn! You've Got Talent? (Objection!)

Your only strength's sending contestants off in the One wrong Direction!

Beauty fades like those Dredd-ed shades; you've always been a pansy!

Stuffing Botox just to puff out like an overcooked Gordon Ramsay!

Signing contracts for your puppets while they Zig and Zag in fear

Waiting to drop you like, “I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!”

*whack* I'd quaff you like a pot of coiffed coffee if you delude me!

Got that firm law that'll shoot through your defences: Call of Judy!

Sitting in Judgment over Oprah, reign Supreme with the iron fist!

You're about to exit the court of Judy Sheindlin! *whack* Out! Case dismissed!

Judge Dredd:
I'll be the judge of that…

Dredd's all ready to show these perps just how a real Lawgiver fights

I'm armed and equipped to judge these juries with executions on the mic

I'll use your own words against you like Mirander-son on the scene

'Cause I'm the ultra HI-EX machina; a scheming Mean Machine!

I was cloned with skills implanted, ready to spit flames like a hot shot

You wouldn't know some real justice if it smacked you in the cough pot

I've challenged Death and gambled with the Deps, ask my brother

Battle raps are like my soul windows… *gun charge* …always covered

You've got overdose of Slo-Mo flow, my blows will just resist it

Send your nitpicks down the Pit like you're the Brit-Cit's biggest misfit!

And I fast-tracked the Academy, while this rookie's still a preppy!

'Cause when justice comes to evidence you're blinder than a Techie!

Take a Long Walk down the wastelands, your careers are headed south

So Ma-Ma knows I'll drokk and drop you like the corners of my mouth!

Negotiation's over, but these wars have only just begun

Dredd to control; its Deadworld cop-outs zero, Mega-City One

Rap Meanings=

Simon Cowell:
*Interrupting the announcer* Alright, let me just stop you there

(Cowell interrupts the announcer in a simialar way to how he would interrupt an act that he doesn’t like.)

'''What the bloody hell...? Have you got a second song? This one’s a drool'''

(In his many talent shows, Simon often stops singers and asks them if they have a second song to sing due to him not liking their first choice. Cowell breaks the fourth wall and asks if he could battle someone who isn’t as boring as Judy.)

It’s first-rate mogul against a glorified vice principal of a middle school!

(Judy doesn’t have the same powers as an actual judge on her television show, as she is actually just acting for television. Cowell calls himself a high quality mogul, while Judy has as much power as a glorified assistant principal in a middle school.)

I’m a cash Cowell, respect and power all rise when I take the floor

(“All rise” is a phrase meaning “stand up” used by the bailiff when the judge enters a courtroom. Cash Cowell is a pun on cash cow, a phrase meaning a consistently profitable business, property, or product. Cowell says that when he enters the room, the amount of respect and power instantly rises.)

You’re a misleading actor, and nothing more than the Doctor Seuss of law!

(Doctor Seuss is an author who goes under the name of “Doctor” despite not actually being a doctor. Cowell makes fun of Judy’s power again and says that she calls herself a Judge even though she isn’t.)

Your whole career’s a limitless act that even I couldn’t bear to manage

(Cowell calls Judy a fraudulent actor and says that even he wouldn’t want to manage her act.)

Phony baloney suing defendants while your producers pay the damage!

(“Baloney!” is a word often used by Judy to dismiss people who she believes are lying to her. In the Judge Judy show, defendants who lose their cases have their damage paid for by the show’s producers, and they don’t actually have to pay anything.)

Listening to you’s a capital punishment, and I’m known to be demanding

(Capital punishment refers to the killing of someone for the punishment of a crime. Cowell says that listening to Judy is like being given the death penalty.)

But I still wouldn’t give you a chair if you were the only contender standing!

(The Six Chair Challenge is a a round used on The X Factor where contestants have to sing individually in front of the judges, before each act’s mentor then decides if they deserve one of six coveted seats – they could be knocked out if their mentor decides to replace them with a subsequent performer. Cowell says that he wouldn’t give Judy a seat if she was the only contender, also using a pun on the word standing.)

Judge Judy:
'''Order! Case number eight, your honour. Thankyou, no info’s needed'''

(Petri Hawkins-Byrd opens by introducing Judy to the case she is about the face in a similar way to how he does in the Judge Judy show. Judy states that she doesn’t need to know anything more about Cowell. This is also battle number eight of Season 2.)

'''For me to beat a heated Syco in twenty seconds flat! Be seated!'''

(Syco Entertainment is a British entertainment company established by Cowell. Judy calls Cowell a psycho and says that she doesn’t need any information to beat him, referencing one of her famous cases where the defendants lost their case in 26 seconds. “Be seated” is a phrase used by the bailiff once the judge is ready to start the case.)

Mr. Cowell, it is your claim that you can seize MCs at ease

(Judy often starts her case by confirming the claims that are being made in her court case. Judy asks if Cowell believes he can easily take hold of singers, or MCs, like he does on his talent shows.)

Too bad you couldn’t autotune some valuable music expertise!

(Autotune is a device which automatically corrects the tuning of someone’s voice. Judy says that Cowell would be more useful to his artists if he actually had some music experience for himself.)

'''Tinky-Winky hits? This business magnet’s only attracting dust!'''

(Tinky-Winky is a character from the children’s TV show, Teletubbies, who Cowell once signed with a record deal. Cowell is a business magnate, though Judy makes a pun by saying Cowell is like a magnet who only attracts dust with his records.)

While I’ve been busting out the records since your Records went bust!

(Fanfare Records was a British record label that was co-founded by Cowell. However, in 1989, the company went under and he nearly became bankrupt. Judy holds the Guinness World Record for the longest career as a TV judge.)

Your shows are so ad-missable, at least you’re used to quick declining!

(This is a pun on the word admissible, meaning acceptable or valid, especially as evidence in a court of law. Cowell is known for quickly declining many contestants on his talent shows. Judy says that Cowell’s shows are becoming very missable and his fame and recognition is declining.)

'''Think you’re a wiz at polishing axe? (Ha!) Your peak was at The Shining!'''

(In his younger years, Cowell took a few menial jobs including, according to his brother Tony, working as a runner on Stanley Kubrick’s 1980 horror film, The Shining, polishing the main actor Jack Nicholson’s axe. Judy makes a pun on axe by saying that despite Cowell thinking he can polish acts on his talent shows, he was actually at his peak when he was polishing axes.)

'''(Oh please!) You’re so Pop Idle! You need to manage the way you dress!'''

(Pop Idol is one of many shows in which Cowell features as a judge. Judy calls Cowell idle and says instead of managing artists, he should manage the way he dresses, a reference to how Cowell often dresses in shirts which are only half buttoned up.)

I’ll swiftly beat you fair and square; that’s some over-due process!

(This is a pun on due process, the legal requirement that the state must respect all legal rights that are owed to a person. Judy says that she will beat Cowell fair and square, or easily, like the fair treatment in due process, and that this is an overdue job as Cowell needs to be taken down quickly.)

Taking second-hand Silvermans since you first got with your lover

(Cowell’s wife, Lauren Silverman, was married to one of his best friends, Andrew Silverman, when Cowell partnered and had a child with her. Judy makes a pun by saying that Cowell is taking a handed-down second place, or silver, just like he took Silverman from somebody else.)

But if it comes to having the Ex-Factor, you’d get the golden buzzer!

(This is a pun on one of Cowell’s shows, The X Factor. The golden buzzer is a concept introduced on the Got Talent series of shows. When a judge was to press the golden buzzer, it meant that act was automatically sent through to the semi-finals. Cowell is known for having many previous lovers, and Judy says that when it comes to a competition of having the most exes, Cowell would be sent straight through to the semi-finals.)

Simon Cowell:
Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t know what’s more absurd

("I don't mean to be rude, but ..." is one of Cowell’s signature phrases, and also the title of his 2003 autobiography.)

That new hairdo or the fact you’re just a budget Bader Ginsburg!

(In 2019, Judy changed her hairstyle from her signature bob hairstyle to a clip-on ponytail. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is an American jurist and Associate Justice of the US Supreme Court. Cowell says he doesn’t know what is worse, Judy’s hair or the fact that she is essentially a low-budget version of Ginsburg.)

This hideous Wapner wannabe’s still an Ed Koch-botched joke

(Joseph Wapner was an American judge on the reality court show, The People’s Court. In 1982, New York City Mayor Ed Koch appointed Judy as a judge in criminal court. Cowell says that Judy is a more ugly, wannabe version of Wapner and Koch made a mistake in appointing her.)

Can’t even string a proper sentence, and I’m not talking about the stroke!

(Judy once suffered from what she believed was a mini-stroke on live TV; she experienced double vision, which quickly disappeared, and also began speaking in what she described as slow motion. Simon mocks how Judy doesn’t have any actual judging powers on her show, meaning she isn’t able to properly sentence anyone, then explains how he isn’t talking about her not being able to speak during her stroke.)

I’m in my Primetime, so you better first-run back to your law class

(On May 20, 2014, CBS aired a one-hour special called Judge Judy Primetime. First-run syndication refers to a program that is broadcast for the first time as a syndicated show and is made specifically to sell directly into syndication, a format which the Judge Judy show follows. Cowell says that he is in his prime, and Judy needs to run back to her law school.)

Took the bars, but just how low’d you have to set them to actually pass?

(A bar exam is the examination which is administered by a jurisdiction's bar association that a lawyer needs to pass before being admitted to the bar of that jurisdiction. To “set the bars low” means to set a low standard of quality. Cowell asks how low the expectations of the bar exams were in order for Judy to pass them.)

Though your small claim to fame is being the longest on the cable

(Cowell says that Judy’s one claim to fame is her being the longest running courtroom judge on television.)

Phoenix Slight and Hardly Byrdman still bring nothing to the table!

(This is a reference to fictional attorneys, Phoenix Wright and Harvey Birdman, from the Ace Attorney video game series and Birdman and the Galaxy Trio cartoon, respectively. Cowell says that Judy may be the longest-running television judge but she still doesn’t bring anything new to the table. Cowell also makes a pun on the plaintiff/defendant’s table, and also on Petri Hawkins-Byrd’s surname as he calls Judy and Byrd inferior versions of Wright and Birdman.)

I’m a patron making donations, spawning spin-offs around the globe

(Cowell is a patron to many charities. His Got Talent franchise has also spawned spin-offs in many different countries around the world.)

You’re a stonewashed Claude Frollo dressed in a shower curtain robe!

(Claude Frollo is the head owner of the Palace of Justice from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Cowell calls Judy pale and mocks her judges robes for looking like she’s wearing a shower curtain.)

'''I’ve got flairs; you’ve got flares! You wouldn’t daunt me with that glare!'''

(Cowell says he says flairs, or natural talent, while Judy has flares, another name for bell-bottom trousers. Cowell also says that Judy’s evil stares won’t daunt him.)

You’re so bad, you’d singlehandedly bring court shows off the air!

(Cowell says that Judy is such a bad judge she could singlehandedly bring all court shows off television.)

And I don’t need an iWitness to judge that game show as a flop

(iWitness was a game show hosted by Judy which aired for a test run of six weeks. Cowell says he doesn’t need an eyewitness to see that Judy’s game show failed.)

You broke your standing like an earthquake in a stolen china shop!

(In 2008, an earthquake hit the Judge Judy set while they were filming. Judy also once got involved in a lawsuit for buying fine china from her producer’s wife without her permission. Cowell references the idiom “bull in a china shop” which refers to a person who breaks things or who often makes mistakes or causes damage in situations. Cowell says that Judy’s game show failure broke her reputation like the china lawsuit did, while also making a joke about how the earthquake broke her standing, this time referring to how the earthquake literally knocked a lot of people and things off their feet.)

Hit the buzzer and end your game, and there’s no rematch for revenge

(The red buzzer is a feature in Cowell’s talent shows which, when pressed, means the judge has voted for the act to leave the stage. The buzzer is also an alarm used in sporting events which indicates the end of a game.)

‘Cause I’m dunking on your court, you’re with your ball boy on the bench!

(Cowell says that he is dunking down on Judy’s court, also making another pun on basketball courts, as players dunk on the court. Cowell calls Byrd Judy’s ball boy, which is a person who retrieves balls in a sports game. The bench is the name of a judges seat in court, but is also a seat used in sports games that players sit on when they are not playing. Cowell says that while he is dunking on Judy’s court, her and Byrd are sat on the side watching.)

Judge Judy:
Open your eyes up like that shirt and we wouldn’t have so much grief!

(Cowell often wears very low-buttoned shirts. Judy says that if he opened his eyes as much as his shirt then maybe he’d see how much unnecessary grief he gives to some contestants.)

'''It can’t be easy for your performers in the spotlight... of those teeth!'''

(Judy follows up by saying that it can’t be easy for the acts having to perform in the spotlight, before making a joke on how bright Cowell’s teeth are.)

'''Sinitta dick you boring morn! You’ve Got Talent? (Objection!)'''

(Sinitta is a British singer who found commercial success after being Cowell’s first artist to have a hit song. Judy makes a pun on Sinitta’s name and tells Cowell to eat a penis, before questioning what talent he has. The Got Talent franchise is a talent show format owned by Cowell, and “Objection!” is a phrase commonly used in court to state disapproval.)

Your only strength’s sending contestants off in the One wrong Direction!

(One Direction are a boy band who were signed by Cowell. Judy takes a jab at the band and says that Cowell only knows how to send artists in the wrong direction.)

Beauty fades like those Dredd-ed shades; you’ve always been a pansy!

(This references Judy’s quote, “Beauty fades, dumb is forever”. Judy also makes a pun on Judge Dredd to diss Cowell’s signature shades. Judy says that while beauty normally fades, Cowell has also been a pansy.)

Stuffing Botox just to puff out like an overcooked Gordon Ramsay!

(Gordon Ramsay is a British television personality. Cowell has been known on many occasions to have Botox injections, which ironically made his face puff out and made him look older and fatter.)

Signing contracts for your puppets while they Zig and Zag in fear

(Zig and Zag are a puppet duo who were signed by Cowell before making two singles. The contracts on Cowell’s shows are secretly very demanding on the artists, making them feel like puppets who are “signing their life away”.)

'''Waiting to drop you like, “I’m a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!”'''

(I’m a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! is a reality television show. Judy jokes about how Cowell’s contracts make his artists want to immediately leave.)

*whack* I’d quaff you like a pot of coiffed coffee if you delude me!

(Coiffed hair is a type of hairstyle which Cowell has. Judy says that she would simply drink away at Cowell like coffee if he lies to her.)

Got that firm law that’ll shoot through your defences: Call of Judy!

(This is a pun of a law firm, a business engaged in the practice of law, and also the first-person shooter video game series, Call of Duty. Judy says her laws will shoot through any defences that Cowell has in court.)

Sitting in Judgment over Oprah, reign Supreme with the iron fist!

(Judge Judy: Sitting in Judgement is the name of Judy’s biography. Judge Judy once topped The Oprah Winfrey Show in ratings. Judy also makes a pun on the Supreme Court.)

'''You’re about to exit the court of Judy Sheindlin! *whack* Out! Case dismissed!'''

(This references the phrase heard in the opening titles of Judge Judy, “You are about to enter the court of Judge Judy Sheindlin”. Judy dismisses Cowell from her court.)

Judge Dredd:
I’ll be the judge of that...

(Dredd enters and states that Judy has no control over when the battle ends.)

Dredd’s all ready to show these perps just how a real Lawgiver fights

(Perps are what Dredd called perpetrators. The Lawgiver is Dredd’s multi-purpose hangun. Dredd says he is entering to show Judy and Cowell how a real judge fights.)

I’m armed and equipped to judge these juries with executions on the mic

(Judge, jury and executioner is a trope used in popular culture to refer to someone who has full power to judge and punish others unilaterally. Dredd says he will kill Judy and Cowell in the rap.)

I’ll use your own words against you like Mirander-son on the scene

(This refers to the line in the Miranda warning, “Anything you say can be used against you in court”. Judge Anderson is a character in the Judge Dredd comics who has the power to enter and read people’s minds, using their own thoughts against them.)

‘Cause I’m the ultra HI-EX machina; a scheming Mean Machine!

(Deus ex machina is a plot device whereby a seemingly unsolvable problem in a story is suddenly and abruptly resolved by an unexpected and seemingly unlikely occurrence. Dredd also makes a pun the word ultrahigh to refer to his dominance, and HI-EX, which refers to the high explosive bullet in his Lawgiver handgun. Mean Machine is a villain in the Judge Dredd comics.)

I was cloned with skills implanted, ready to spit flames like a hot shot

(Hot shot is a type of bullet fired by Dredd’s Lawgiver gun which locks onto the target’s heat-source and heats them up from the inside. Dredd was cloned from the DNA of a Chief Judge and had knowledge implanted into his brain.)

You wouldn’t know some real justice if it smacked you in the cough pot

(Dredd says that Judy and Cowell wouldn’t know justice if it smacked them in the mouth.)

I’ve challenged Death and gambled with the Deps, ask my brother

(Dredd has fought with his archenemy, Judge Death, and gambled with the Justice Department on multiple occasions. Rico Dredd was Dredd’s clone brother who Dredd was required to kill after he became corrupt.)

'''Battle raps are like my soul windows... *gun charge* ...always covered'''

(Dredd says he always has his raps covered just like his helmet always covers his eyes.)

You’ve got overdose of Slo-Mo flow, my blows will just resist it

(Slo-Mo is a fictional drug featured in the 2012 film, Dredd, which slows the users perception of time to 1% of its normal speed. Dredd turns to Cowell and says he will simply resist all of Cowell’s slow flows.)

Send your nitpicks down the Pit like you’re the Brit-Cit’s biggest misfit!

(Cowell is known for making very picky comments about his contestants’ performances. The Pit is the name of Sector 301 in Mega-City One, and is used as a dumping ground for every inadequate judge who has been dismissed. Brit-Cit is a megacity in the Judge Dredd comics which sprawls across the south of England, the country where Cowell is from.)

And I fast-tracked the Academy, while this rookie’s still a preppy!

(The Academy of Law is where the Judges of Mega-City One are trained. Training a Street Judge takes fifteen years, although exceptional cadets may graduate earlier through a fast-track programme. Dredd turns to Judy and says he fast-tracked the Academy while she still belongs in law school. Rookie is the name used by Dredd to refer to Judge Anderson during her recruitment exam.)

‘Cause when justice comes to evidence you’re blinder than a Techie!

(The Techie is a character featured in the 2012 film, Dredd, who had his eyes gauged out and replaced with bionic ones. Judy has often been criticised for not properly looking at evidence during her court cases. This is also a reference to the phrase, “Justice is blind”.)

Take a Long Walk down the wastelands, your careers are headed south

(The Long Walk occurs when a Judge leaves the city for the Cursed Earth or the Undercity after retirement. Dredd says Judy and Cowell need to retire and disappear to the wastelands.)

So Ma-Ma knows I’ll drokk and drop you like the corners of my mouth!

(Ma-Ma is the main antagonist in the 2012 film, Dredd, who Dredd killed by throwing her out of a 200-storey building. Drokk is a word used as a profanity in the Judge Dredd universe. Dredd is known to very rarely smile.)

Negotiation’s over, but these wars have only just begun

(This references the Judge Dredd quote, “Negotiation’s over, sentence is death”. Dredd says that although he has finish rapping, the wars have only just begun.)

Dredd to control; its Deadworld cop-outs zero, Mega-City One

(Deadworld is the realm of the Dark Judges, and Mega-City One is the base location of Dredd. Dredd uses his coms to confirm he has beaten the dead cop-outs, referencing Judy and Cowell. He also makes pun on Mega-City One by saying Judy and Cowell have zero points and he has one.)

Poll
Who won? Simon Cowell Judge Judy Judge Dredd