User blog:Minipop56/Literal Review: Billy Mays vs Benjamin Franklin

Yes. I'm making another one because I can.

Ben Franklin:

I’m big Ben Franklin and this shan't be pretty.

So you taking off a robe or whatever the heck that thing was was not pretty? Thus, what is underneath is not pretty, which says that you are not pretty. Also, WE KNOW WHAT YOUR NAME IS!

Let me instruct you how we battle in the city of Philly,

I'm waiting ...

'''You couldn't sell Rick James a bag of crack. You're out of practice.'''

Rick James is too high on crack to buy more crack in the first place. The best he can do when asked to buy more crack is smile at the salesman and go hyper, attempting to steal the crack from the salesman. True story.

My victory's more certain than death or taxes.

Plz, that's the most hackneyed Benjamin Franklin line I've ever seen.

Fact is, you're a hack, wack QVC joke.

Just because it rhymes it doesn't mean it makes sense.

You peddle soap that cleans bird sh*t from my windows.

So you use his products to clean ... ew ... I just vomited.

I’ll craft a lyrical coffin and then spit the nails in.

You spit nails? Who the heck do you think you are?

Call me Arthur Miller, son, 'cause it's death of a salesman!

Okay, Arthur Miller.

Billy Mays:

Hi, Billy Mays here with a special TV offer!

A sale? I always go for sales.

Watch me crush this bald, fat, foppish founding father.

That's a little graphic ... are you sure that you're allowed to air such gruesome content on your channel? If so ... I'm in.

I'll take my Awesome Auger and sow your Quaker oats.

That's amazing. You will sow oats. Cool story.

I'll shoot your rhymes down like a regiment of red coats.

Again, rather graphic.

I'm lord of the pitch and leader in home sales.


 * CLAP, CLAP, CLAP* I really care.

You're just a lumpy pumpkin who invented the mail.

Well, you're just someone who stands in front of a camera yelling their lungs out trying to get people excited about detergent.

Benny's got kite 'n key, but you're in for a shock,

Benny? What is with your affectionate nicknames?

When I strike you with bolts from my lightning rod cock!

GTFO. No one wants to associate with a stripper.

Benjamin Franklin:

'''Stop! I protest these intolerable raps.'''

Whiny b*tch ...

It takes just one easy payment for me to whoop your ass!

Easy payment? Heck no. That'll be $177 700 000 000, Mr. Franklin. My ass is very delicate.

Cause I'm mint, I'm money! I'm an educated gentleman.'''

I severely doubt that, seeing as you call yourself money without knowing that that is a derogatory metaphor concerning people who only care about wealth. True story.

So join or die, Bill, cause it's all about the Benjamin.

I think he'll take the join option.

Billy Mays:

'''But wait, there's more ... !'''

[Billy Mays suffers from a heart attack and dies]

Okay, he didn't.

Announcer:

'''Is there anyone out there who can finish this battle? Anyone? Anyone...'''

Please just be quiet. You're not meant to speak until the battle's over.

Vince Offer:

I can.

Kden.

'''You following me, camera guy? Cause it's about to get furious!'''

Camera guy? Please, it's camera man to you, peasant.

You're gonna love my nuts until you're bi-focal-curious.

I'm not a pervert. I don't go around looking down people's trousers with my glasses.

Your boy George chopped down trees; You couldn't break a piece of balsa.

So George Washington just waltzed around with an axe chopping down all the trees in his path?

Okay, time for an English lesson. *draws up blackboard* When one refers to someone else and says that they did something, using an object verb, and the object of the object verb is plural, yet the value is unspecified, one assumes ... I should probably stop now.

Slap chop your face, make a double chin salsa!

That's not very appealing. I don't particularly like eating people, even when they are disguised as salsa.

Your style's so broke, they call you "Poor Richard"!

I call him Arthur Miller, actually. He told me to.

It's bad enough I gotta see you every time I tip a stripper!

Why do you even tip strippers? Pervert ... But then again, you're the person who said that I'd want to look at your nuts so I shouldn't be surprised.

Vince against a founding father's just too bad.

K.

'Cause after this America's gonna lose a dad!

Oh yeah. America has multiple dads. And no mothers. America came to the world through multiple ... okay, I'll stop.

To be clear, I am definitely not saying that homosexuality is unacceptable. One must be careful when treading in the territory of sexuality. *Minipop56 braces himself* Hate comments will come.

What should I literal review next? Beethoven vs Justin Bieber Albert Einstein vs Stephen Hawking Napoleon vs Napoleon Hitler vs Vader 2 Master Chief vs Leonidas Steve Jobs vs Bill Gates Freddie Mercury vs Frank Sinatra Adam vs Eve (Loljk, don't vote for this or I'll kill you) Hitler vs Vader 3 Ebenezer Scrooge vs Donald Trump

Should I start doing literal reviews of fanmade battles? Yes No