Talk:J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin/@comment-4490782-20160501155907

MARTIN: Brace yourself!

Gather up your trolls and your soldier elves!

And your ents and your orcs and your wargs and your stings

Your dwarves and ???, cuz there's a new literary Lord in the Ring

My readers fall in love with every character I've written

Then I kill 'em (aaaagh!) and they're like "???"

All your bad guys die and your good guys survive

We can tell what's gonna happen in my page in Age five

Tell your all-seeing eye to find some sex in your movies! (Yeah!)

Ditch the Goonie and cast a couple boobies!

There's edgier plots in that David the Gnome!

Your hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne!

TOLKIEN:

Kings, queens, dragons, dwarves,

Horses, fortresses, magic, and swords!

You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack!

You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq!

In book sales, you've got nothing to say!

I'm number one and two! You're under Fifty Shades of Grey!

I got the prose of a pro! Your shit's sub-par!

You're a pirate, you even stole my R. R.

Oh, we all know the world is full of chance and anarchy

So, yes, it's true to life for characters to die randomly

But newsflash: the genre's called fantasy!

It's meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee!

MARTIN:

I conscientiously object to what you're doing on these beats

I'll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast

You went too deep, Professor Tweedpants

We don't need the backstory on every fucking tree branch!

TOLKIEN:

I cut my teeth on the trenches of the Somme

You lopped(?) your Santa Claus ass through Vietnam!

Man, it's hard for me to take criticism on clothes

From a dude who sends a raven to say "hi" to his toes!

MARTIN:

Your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke

I'm the hottest thing on HBO!

I'm rock and roll, you're a nerdy little ???

And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy foot fetish, dawg!

Even the names of your characters suck

You got Bifers and Bofurs and Brandybucks!

I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks

Lift up my gut and T-Baggins my nuts!

TOLKIEN:

C. S. Lewis and I were just discussing

How you and Jon Snow both know nothing!

Because the backstory on my box office is brilliance!

Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions

And I'm more rock and roll than you've ever been!

Don't believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin!

I can't reach this fellow, I'm Two Tower-ing!

Every time I battle, it's Return of the King!

I THINK THAT'S IT