User blog:Awesomesix/Total Drama ERB episode 7: I'm Feeling Lucky

This is a somewhat long read, so I won't say much here, other than this was my favorite to write, and my favorite overall.

Written by me, Wonder and Tux. Welcome Lak to the team as well.

Story
Nice Peter: Hello, I’m Nice Peter.

EpicLLOYD: And I’m not paid enough!

*Macho Man plays sitcom laughter from a laugh track as Lloyd produces a cheesy smile at the camera and puts his thumbs up*

Nice Peter: …And this is total drama ERB…

EpicLLOYD: Last time, we had our contestants compete in a cook off to please the mouth of Walter White. During said challenge, Joan of Arc messed up with some chemicals, putting everyone into some serious shit.

Nice Peter: Today, we have an old friend coming up from his roots in the Wild West genre to help us with our challenge.

*the scene cuts to Kanye West sitting on a tree stump with Edgar Allan Poe nearby*

Edgar Allan Poe: Sir, why do you have a pen and pad on your lap? Are you writing one of your disgusting raps?

Kanye West: Nobody loves you, bitch!

Edgar Allan Poe: Oh my, I think you’ve snapped. Perhaps you need to take a crap?

Kanye West: I’m writing a love letter!

Edgar Allan Poe: But to who is what I ask; Miley, Cleo, or Eve, perhaps?

Kanye West: None of your business!

'''(Confessional) Kanye West: Damn, Eve is one fine girl; and Cleo is hot. But ain’t either of those bitches prettier than me. Now this ho better let me write my god damn self-love letter or I’ll smack him!'''

Leonidas: Ooh, love letters, is this?

Kanye West: Wait, you guys aren’t on my team! Back off, peasants!

Edgar Allan Poe: Leonidas, we shall leave this fool alone, for he will regret this when we laugh him home.

Leonidas: Up top, boy!

*Leonidas and Poe high-five in front of Kanye’s face*

George Watsky: Challenge time, mother huggers!

*The scene cuts to everyone save for Neil deGrasse Tyson in the middle of a desert, surrounded by a ghost town and some barrels*

Clint Eastwood: Alright, punks. Today, we’re having a shoot off.

Master Chief: A what now?

Mr. T: Aw shit, I don’t wanna do this.

Clint Eastwood: It will be like hide and seek, only with squirt guns. Baby games, I know. Each team must be axed down til there are two people left; one on each team. Those two will come here for a Mexican shoot off challenge finale, where first one down loses. Got it?

Lady Gaga: How will we know who’s out?

Clint Eastwood: You’ll wear these.

*Clint Eastwood passes around objects that look similar to an ordinary wrist watch, but with a light and auditory holes instead.*

Clint Eastwood: If someone is hit correctly, which is by shooting their wrist majigger, it will make a buzzing noise and flash a red light.

Mr. T: Wouldn’t that kinda give us away to the other team?

Clint Eastwood: I don’t think it’s the other team you should worry about.

Darth Vader: What?

Clint Eastwood: Alright, you have 5 minutes to hide, go.

Darth Vader: No, what do you mean?

*The scene cuts to Mr. T and Lady Gaga, hiding in an old saloon*

Mr. T: Hey, Gaga, you still miss Wallace?

Lady Gaga: *sigh* Yes…

Mr. T: It’s alright, it’s not like you won’t see him again…

Lady Gaga: But he was the only great guy here…except you. All of the others here are major dicks, but you’re a great friend, T.

Mr. T: Aw, thanks Gaga. I try.

Lady Gaga: *kisses Mr. T on the cheek* Thank you.

(Confessional) Mr. T: *crying* Thank you, momma!

''*the scene cuts to Kanye West, Bob Ross and Master Chief hiding in an old barn. Kanye West sits down on some hay and begins to write*''

Kanye West: Damn, this looks older than Betty White.

Master Chief: *examining the structure* Actually, it just seems like they put some paint and chopped up the structure. These beams look new, and this is too thick to be dust…*Chief lifts up some of the “dust”* this is just ripped up grey foam.

Kanye West: Damn, you got a brain. What are you, a nerdy geek?

Master Chief: …you could say that.

Kanye West: At least you better than the Mohawk guy. He was a fucking douche, you know what I mean?

Master Chief: Thank God that’s the last we’ll see of him.

Bob Ross: Hey…Kanye, what’re you doing?

Kanye West: Writing shit, why?

Bob Ross: *Standing over Kanye’s shoulder* May I help?

Kanye West: Oh hell nah! *Kanye West spins around on his hay stack* This shit’s personal!

*Bob Ross grabs Kanye’s pad, and pulls a box of colored pencils out of his afro, then begins to draw*

Kanye West: Sunnuva bitch, gimme that!

Bob Ross: Done.

''*Bob Ross hands Kanye back the pad. On it is a crudely drawn Michelangelo, with a giant dick*''

Kanye West: …you drew a turtle.

Bob Ross: Yes.

Kanye West: ….with a dick…

Bob Ross: He told me to.

'''(Confessional) Kanye West: What the hell is wrong with this muthafucka? He drew a turtle…a god damn ninja turtle…with a penis…'''

Master Chief: Hide, you two! Any minute now, the biggest struggle so far is going to unfold, and you’ll be open targets standing there.

Kanye West: Lemme write this shit though.

*A loud alarm goes off, and old Wild West showdown music starts to play, signifying the game has begun* 

Master Chief (whispering): Gotta hide myself, and…

*Kanye West shoots Bob Ross and Master Chief, sounding their teammate’s alarms to signify their loss*

Master Chief: You son of a bitch!

Kanye West: I can’t have distractions while I’m writin’. Gotta get into my zone.

Master Chief: But that doesn’t mean you have to SHOOT ME!

Kanye West: Quiet bitch, I’m trying to write!

Master Chief: And sounding off our team’s alarms didn’t fuck them over.

*The scene cuts to Leonidas, Edgar Allan Poe and Justin Bieber hiding by a water tower, with some old bushes*

Leonidas (whispering): Okay, boys, we got one chance to do this. In war, you’ve got to make the best of yourself… *Leonidas looks at Justin Bieber* …no matter how weak, or feminine.

Justin Bieber (whispering): Hey!

Edgar Allan Poe (whispering): How did thou even make it past, such a strong mast that shot out blasts?

Justin Bieber (whispering): These aren’t all about strength, you know. You just need to last.

Leonidas (Whispering): Well, you are last in our team, so yeah.

Justin Bieber (whispering): Say what now?

Edgar Allan Poe (whispering): Hold on a second, do you hear? Are those footsteps drawing near?

*Leonidas and Justin Bieber hear footsteps in the distance, sounding like a group*

Leonidas: NOW WE LEAP!

*Leonidas and Poe jump out of the bushes, only to be shot by 3 mustached cowboys, which in results sets their team’s  alarms off*

Justin Bieber (behind the bush): Looks like I’m not last…

Mustached Cowboy #1: Ma’am, step out from behind the bush.

Justin Bieber (behind the bush): I am NOT a lady.

*Leonidas pulls Bieber up by his arm and tosses him to the Mustached Cowboys*

Leonidas: He’s all yours.

*Two Mustached Cowboys drag Bieber away by his arms, while one announces via speaker than a Massive Failure teammate is being held hostage, and that the first person to find him will win it for their team, regardless of their current status in game*

Justin Bieber: Oh, I will get you, Leonidas. I will so get you for this.

Leonidas: Ha! Pathetic. Holding the female hostage.

Edgar Allan Poe: What could this little brat possibly do to get us back?

(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Time to play rough…Leonidas won’t see it coming.

*The scene transitions to Cleopatra and Eve hiding in a bank*

*Cleopatra sighs*

Eve: What’s wrong?

Cleopatra: Oh, I just miss Mr. Arc. He was such a nice young gentleman, but he didn’t fancy carrying me…

Eve: Uh, Joan’s a girl…

Cleopatra: Wait…what?

Eve: …you seriously didn’t know this? Like, you went the whole game, thinking Joan was a guy, and you had a crush on “him”. How stupid are you?

Cleopatra: Well, fuck you too, then.

*Cleopatra begins to leave, but not before she is shot by Adam, thus sounding off alarms*

Cleopatra: We’ll discuss this later, Eve.

Eve: I doubt it.

(Confessional) Eve: *bursts out laughing* Okay, how stupid is Cleopatra?

'''(Confessional) Cleopatra: So, Joan never was actually a guy…that explains the boobs…eh, she's still hot. And got a nice ass.'''

*The scene cuts to Darth Vader and Adolf Hitler hiding inside a huge wagon*

Darth Vader: So Cleopatra, Chief, and Ross are out already…this isn’t seeming so good for us, Hitler.

*Hitler shoots Vader’s wrist device, sounding off alarms, and then shoots his own*

Adolf Hitler: Now we are, too!

Darth Vader: *facepalms* God…dammit….

*Darth Vader shoves Hitler out of the wagon, causing him to land right on a cactus*

Adolf Hitler: OUCH!

Darth Vader: Serves you right.

*Adolf Hitler begins to pull cactus needles from his ass while crying*

Adolf Hitler: I’m going to eliminate yo-

*Darth Vader tackles Hitler, and throws him against the wall, holding his neck, slowly cutting off his oxygen*

Darth Vader: This is not according to plan. You know what happens when we don’t go according to plan.

Adolf Hitler:  ...Y-yes, s-sir…

'(Confessional) Darth Vader: *head twitches*'' When people do not cooperate, I dispose of them. I am not afraid of removing someone from the game if I have to.'''

Darth Vader: I have done things you cannot imagine. I have controlled thousands. You, you are my underling here. Just a piece in my plan. I can dispose of you however I want. Just remember this next time you want to do ANYTHING. Is this clear?

Adolf Hitler: Uh, are you okay?

Darth Vader: *pauses for a second, then shakes his head* Sorry, I just snapped for a second. It’s all right now.

Adolf Hitler: Deep breaths, Vadah…

*Darth Vader begins to take several deep breaths*

Darth Vader: I don’t know what got into me there…

*the sound of a wagon approaching in the distance is slowly getting closer*

Adolf Hitler: What is that?

''*As the wagon gets closer, four mustached cowboys running on all fours acting as steed to pull the wagon become clear. Someone is controlling the wagon, with a cowboy hat tilted down enough to engulf his face in a  shadow. All that is visible is facial hair.*''

Man in the wagon: Hello, fellas.

Darth Vader: Holy shit…

Adolf Hitler: Who ah you?

Man in the wagon: The man you were warned about.

Mustached Cowboy #4: Neigh!

Man in the wagon: This here location is my spot to park. Move it.

Darth Vader: Y-yes, sir…

Adolf Hitler: But WHO are you?

Man in the wagon: Your worst nightmare.

*Adolf Hitler swallows nervously*

*The scene cuts to Kanye West, alone in the barn due to Chief and Ross leaving*

Kanye West: …you is the apple of my eye. You so hot, I wanna put you in my pie… nah, that shit’s sappy.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: What are you doing?

Kanye West: I’m writing a love letter.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: To whom?

Kanye West: Myself…who else?

Wait a minute, how the hell did you even get here?

*Tyson has mysteriously vanishes elsewhere, and Kanye’s wrist alarm is going off*

Kanye West: Dammit, that bitch got me! How does he do this?

*The scene cuts to Miley Cyrus and Adam hiding in a motel across from the bank*

Miley Cyrus: This thing smells like old people.

Adam: Well, this is an old western building, you’d expect these things to smell like this…

Miley Cyrus: This looks like the place Clint Eastwood would…. *looks at note cards* …I mean, Chuck Norris would film his T.V. show.

Adam: Wait, did you just get that right for once?

*Before Miley can answer, their wrist devices go off, and Mr. T bursts into the room panicking*

Mr. T: He got Gaga!

Miley Cyrus: Who what now?

Mr. T: Some man in a cowboy hat…he got Gaga…but he’s not on anyone’s team!

Adam: Well I’m sure Peter and Lloyd wouldn’t allow this…

Nice Peter (via intercom): The final eight are left, and our surprise competitor has just stepped in!

Mr. T: We gotta run, fools!

*The scene cuts to Michael Jordan and Muhammad Ali hiding inside a performance theatre*

Michael Jordan: I don’t think this is fair to allow someone else in who isn’t on any team. Who knows whether they’ll follow the rules?

Muhammad Ali: I know, this is just sick.

*Jordan and Ali hear a noise in the distance, and they both spring into action to stop them*

Michael Jordan: Alright, who’s there?

Muhammad Ali: I hope it’s not that special entry guy!

Michael Jordan: Calm it, will you?

*Jordan and Ali’s wrist devices go off, signifying Tyson losing*

Muhammad Ali: Okay, how the hell is Tyson out?

Michael Jordan:  ...because he's a normal human being, not some E.T. shit?

*Their devices go off again, signaling the losses of Mr. T, Adam and Miley*

Michael Jordan: Oh shit, man, just you and me.

*The figure aims and shoots at Michael Jordan, but Muhammad Ali grabs him and pulls him out of the way just in time*

Michael Jordan:  What have I told you about that arm?

Muhammad Ali: We gotta run, man!

Michael Jordan: Fine!

*Jordan and Ali run to the saloon, trying to hide from the figure, who goes into the bank instead*

Muhammad Ali: Huh. No one’s hiding in here.

Michael Jordan: Well there is only four people left, dumbass.

Muhammad Ali: Actually, there’s three.

Michael Jordan: Are you stupid?

Muhammad Ali: No, I just know that the man went into the bank for a reason. Eve is probably in there.

*Jordan and Ali sit down at a table to rest for a bit*

Michael Jordan: Or the other person.

*Eve screams in the distance, signifying she’s out*

Muhammad Ali: Told you so.

Michael Jordan: Wait a minute, who’s left besides us?

Muhammad Ali: Well…the rapper, the chief, the turtle guy, the queen, first lady, the space man and the Nazi are all out, which leaves us with…

*the saloon’s doors swing wide open from being kicked, revealing Al Capone with two guns and a cigar in his mouth*

Al Capone: Hello, ladies.

Michael Jordan: …the gangster.

Al Capone: Fancy seeing this…two of the team’s strongest players, enemies even, hanging out in one spot, just waiting to be taken out. Well this could go the easy way, or the hard way, and since I like to get things done smarter, I think the hard way will suffice.

*Al Capone perfectly shoots both Ali and Jordan, causing them both to be out*

Muhammad Ali: Holy shit…

'''(Confessional) Al Capone: This challenge just had my name written all over it. You don’t give a baby a bottle and not expect it to drink, am I right?'''

Nice Peter (via intercom): Well, since Al Capone has won, he gets to face the surprise entry!

Muhammad Ali: Aw shit man, you’re screwed!

Nice Peter (via intercom): If you make this, your team wins!

Al Capone: Easy peasy.

*Al Capone walks to the back of the bar, planning out his strategy*

Muhammad Ali: The hell are you doing?

Al Capone: A little cover never hurt nobody.

Michael Jordan: Ali, he’s not on our team, and if he loses, we stay. What’s your problem?

Muhammad Ali: That doesn’t mean I can’t root for h-

*The saloon doors are kicked open again, revealing a bigger figure, wearing a tilted cowboy hat and giving a sly grin, whilst a toothpick dangles from his jaw, as ‘Il Buono, Il Brutto, Il Cattivo’ starts to play*

Muhammad Ali: No way…

Michael Jordan: Holy shit…

Al Capone: *a sadistic smirk spread across his face* Well, well, well. What do we have here?

Chuck Norris: I should be saying the same to you, pardner.

*Muhammad Ali faints*

(Confessional) Muhammad Ali: Of all the people they could bring in…

Al Capone: Looks like we got beef now, Chuck.

Chuck Norris: it would appear so.

Al Capone: Let’s cut to the chase; this challenge has my name written all over it.

Chuck Norris: I’m afraid graffiti doesn’t guarantee anything, son.

Al Capone: I like the way you play, Chuck. It’s a shame I’ll be the second guy to kick your ass. And the first to do it without a script.

Chuck Norris: Oh, we’ll see who’s kicking who after this.

Michael Jordan: I’ll be kicking both of you if you don’t hurry this shit up!

*Al Capone and Chuck Norris both ready their guns, whilst staring each other down*

Michael Jordan:  *ducks under a table* This is gonna get serious…

*The scene cuts between them both getting ready for the fight*

Al Capone: Ready when you are, Bub.

Chuck Norris: Let’s do this.

''*Chuck Norris aims for Al Capone and fires, but not before Capone ducks behind the bar. Sitting up against it, he listens for sounds of Norris moving, and rolls out the other side.*''

Michael Jordan (under his table): Man, this is serious.

''*Chuck Norris fires again, over at where Capone is sitting, but Capone once again dodges, sneaking over to an old piano on a stage platform. From there, he waits for the right moment to run, being careful to not expose himself to Norris’s aim.*''

Chuck Norris: You can’t run away forever, pal.

Al Capone: Who said I’m running away?

''*Al Capone backs up to the wall, and runs along it to the front wall. Chuck Norris tries hitting him, but instead knocks down a few paintings and a bottle of beer on a shelf.*''

Al Capone: Nice aim, bub.

Chuck Norris: At least I’m shooting.

''*Al Capone runs under the tables, managing to dodge or shield himself from Norris’s shots. Michael Jordan constantly spins around, watching Al’s pattern of running, while managing to hide under the table*''

Chuck Norris: Come on…gotta hit him anywhere…

Michael Jordan (to himself): What is he doing?

''*Al Capone darts back to behind the bar, and an impatient Chuck Norris shoots repeatedly at the glass case behind it sheltering the drinks, hoping some water will splash onto Capone’s wrist device. Capone watches the splash and stream sizes of each shot.*''

Al Capone: Alright, I surrender.

Michael Jordan: What?

*Al Capone stands up from behind the bar, putting his hands up in the air.*

Chuck Norris: Alrighty, this will be easy.

Any last words?

Al Capone: Time is money.

Chuck Norris: Figures.

*Chuck Norris aims his squirt gun at Capone’s wrist, but no water comes out.*

Chuck Norris: The hell?

*Al Capone begins to grin sadistically again, worrying Norris* 

Al Capone: What, did you expect it to have unlimited water?

*Al Capone shoots Chuck Norris’s wrist device, thus winning the challenge*

Chuck Norris: …this can’t be…

Al Capone: Timing is everything in a standoff. I thought you’d know this, Chuck. But, in the end, you disappoint me.

Chuck Norris: Well played…

'''(Confessional) Michael Jordan: If anyone on the other team is a force to reckon with, it’s Capone. Mad props to him. '''

Nice Peter (via intercom): …and the Epic Winners Win!

*Muhammad Ali wakes up from his nap*

Muhammad Ali: Huh-what?

Neil deGrasse Tyson: WAIT!

Al Capone: What is it? I won already…

Neil deGrasse Tyson: But I found this!

*Neil deGrasse Tyson holds up Justin Bieber, who is not at all pleased.*

Justin Bieber: Fuck this show.

Nice Peter (via intercom): Oh yeah, we did say that whoever found Bieber, regardless if they’re out or not, won it for their team.

Al Capone: What a load of shit.

Michael Jordan: So, what Al Capone did, wasn’t even worth it?

Nice Peter (via intercom): Indeed.

Michael Jordan (to Capone): Well, at least you looked cool doing it…

Nice Peter (via intercom): Epic Winners, meet me at the eliminations ceremony.

*The scene cuts to the elimination ceremony, where everyone, save for Kanye West, is very pissed off, especially Al Capone*

Nice Peter: For Pete’s sake, I hope this is the last time I see you guys here in a row.

Al Capone: This is bullshit.

Kanye West: I know! I did all that work, for nothing!

*Everyone glares at Kanye*

Kanye West: What? Chief and Ross did nothing, I sat there doing all the work!

Bob Ross: We could’ve done something if you hadn’t, I dunno, SHOT US!

Master Chief: If by doing all the work, you mean writing your shitty song and shooting us when we “interrupted you”.

Kanye West: Exactly! Don’t you understand hard work being done?

Darth Vader: No one’s going to bring up the fact that Hitler shot me and himself?

Adolf Hitler: But you got back at me, and plus I went out too…

Cleopatra: Boys, calm down. There is no need to argue.

Kanye West: Yeah, bitch, you’s right. These morons think that my hard work was in the wrong.

Cleopatra: …did you just call me “bitch”?

Kanye West: Yeah, that’s what you are, is that so wrong?

Nice Peter: Guys, calm down…

Al Capone: All those in favor of eliminating this punk, say “Aye”!

Everyone except for Kanye and Peter: Aye!

Al Capone: It’s settled. Chief, barrel me.

*Master Chief grabs a barrel and rolls it to Capone*

Kanye West: You all suck! I helped us!

*Bob Ross and Darth Vader drag Kanye to the barrel*

Nice Peter: Guys, calm down!

*Al Capone shoves  Kanye into the barrel, and Master Chief helps fasten the lid down*

Al Capone: From now on, we take shit from NO ONE! You got it?

Nice Peter: …guys?

*The rest of team Epic Winners chants in response to Capone as Ross and Vader roll Kanye to the cliff and drop him off*

Al Capone: Team Epic Winner is going to crush anyone who gets in their way, be it enemy or teammate!

*The camera shifts to reveal Poe and Leonidas hiding behind a bush*

Leonidas (whispering): Shit, this isn’t good. At all.

Edgar Allan Poe (whispering): I’m afraid we must warn are crew; or else, my friend, we’re all doomed!

*Leonidas and Poe watch as Kanye’s barrel rolls down the cliff, and splashes a second later, his screams for help echoing the island*

Leonidas (whispering): This is bad…oh boy this is bad…

Al Capone (in the distance): Tomorrow, we shall crush team Massive Losers in combat!

*Leonidas and Poe swallow nervously*

*The scene cuts to Lloyd down at the dock, with Peter talking with Hogan in the background*

EpicLLOYD: Today was interesting…

Macho Man (behind the camera): Yeah, it was.

EpicLLOYD: Well, tomorrow should be more tame, you know, cause building houses, and such.

Macho Man: Questions time.

EpicLLOYD: What will happen to team Epic Winners? How badly will team Massive Failures suffer? Will Chuck Norris’s esteem ever come back? Tune in next time to most likely not find out, on Total Drama ERB!

Remaining
Team Epic Winners