User blog:The Flatwoods Monster/2016 Year in Film Royale. Rap Battle





aiight grab your popcorn and drinks. not bc this battle is movie themed but just bc gfg it's long as a motherfucker

shoutout to CW who just started his series, [http://epicrapbattlesofhistory.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:Captain_Warrior/Nas_vs_Jay_Z._Rivalry_Rap_Battles_Episode_1. read it here]. it's a lot shorter and more concise than this lmao

hello everyone and welcome to the fucking late inevitable sequel to the 2015 movie royale, the 2016 movie royale. in case you missed [http://epicrapbattlesofhistory.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:The_Flatwoods_Monster/2015_Year_in_Film_Royale._Rap_Battle. the first one], the main premise of this battle is a recap of the past year's cinema history by way of a rap battle royale of the main protagonists/antagonist-in-rare-cases of all the notable films that were released not including ones people don't give a shit about like fast & the furious.

this battle is actually late, it was going to come out on the 27th of january as it did last year but it ended up waiting this long because i did a shitty job of planning it, i took too long and left a lot of people out of touch but im still gonna blame it on grav

special thanks to the ten million guests who were or were supposed to be in this battle, there'll be a list of who played who at the end just like in most of my large battles. shout-out to tk for making a few of the title cards since i fell sick and lost a lot of inspiration to make those

hopefully i wont be around to make the 2017 one so whoever wants to can make that one lmfao

so anyway, to kick things off for the year, critically panned cinematic garbage the grand-son of the "King of the Artic" from the film of the same name, Norm of the North, raps against Dreamwork's very own martial artist Dragon Warrior from Kung Fu Panda, Po, to see who's the bigger and badder bear. They are then joined by a lot of not-bears. Enjoy.

shout-out to GIR

Announcer:
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!



VS!



BEGIN!

Norm of the North:
Aw, did we really need a threequel? Dreamworks, make it stop!

I may be unanimously panned, but I’m just gonna Shake It Off-

(The beat is cut off as Norm is fucking shot.)

Now, I know what you're thinking.

Who's spirally horned galaxy dick did I have to fondle to get the cool guy intro?

Well, nevermind that! Time to make the chimi-fucking-changas!

(Who am I facing again? I don't fucking know aiight here we go)



Deadpool:
Shit! I forgot my ammo! It’s cool, I’ll only need one shot at this

It’s X-Men’s Apocalypse against an optimist who forgot where his poppa is!

Now I’m as much of a superhero as you are a “Dragon Warrior,”

But what’s your chances of advancing? Oh, I’ma fucking spell it out for ya

(D-P!) You can’t beat me with tea leaves and weak Chi!

(P-G!) You’re getting lessons from Peach Trees and Sri Sri!

(P-O!) Your Hold’s blanker than the Scroll against my Wushi Finger flips!

(F-U!) I see you like to chew! Maybe you should chew... on my- (Augh!)

Po:
Spare me the chit-chat! You're worse a rapper than you are a lover.

You'll be left red and black under your suit, so get ready to feel the thunder!

I'll beat you with five more furious lines, dude! You couldn't budge it!

Bringing up my dad? Man, you went even lower than your budget!

And you spent how long chasing after some dude for screwing over your looks?

Your "fans" are bunch of jombies that never even read your comic books!

You're less known than Kai, so it's time to say bye and lose!

Deadpool couldn't boot this true Kung Fu Panda! Skadoosh! (Damn it, I should've been played by Tkid!)



Judy Hopps:
It's Officer Judy, Hopping into Duty

And set to put a boot on you two's crude movies

The lewd Krueger schizo is my first port of call

Ditch the R-rated garbage or I'll break you like the fourth wall

When it comes to besting villains, it's brains over bulk

And this rabbit's going savage on the Insatiable Hulk

You can Try Everything, regeneration or the Chi art

But your word against mine? It's called a smackdown, sweetheart



Superman:
Yo! I got that icon status and the strength to bust blocks!

If I had my way you would have already flopped!

Ah, Zootopia, quite the movie, I could almost call it a classic,

If it didn't steal its moral from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?!

(A kryptonite dart is shot into Superman's shoulder from off-screen.)



Batman:
You're one to talk about morals, Super "aw, man, he broke the city,"

Let me answer my own question, son, it takes a heart to bleed,

And I know you ain't got that when you murder all your enemies.

So do you. No I don't. Martha. Why'd you say that?! It just Dawned on me.

Superman & Batman :
We can't be fighting this whole time, we got sequels to cash in,

Since the world will pay a billion dollars to watch us save their asses.

But for them to catch the sequel, we need to exploit how they love us,

So for now, it's the sundown of a hero, but the Dawn of Justice!



Bucky Barnes:
I’m longing to draw back the Iron Curtain on these rusted subservients

Spit hot like a furnace, shine like when Daybreak closed with a 17th of our audience

Claim to be benign Cloud Niners but you’re hypocrites from home, coming on too hard

I’m the one to take you down, you lost your grip like I did on that freight car!

You won’t Winter this Soldier. I make the greatest conservatives turn left

This so-called supermodel should hide, ra! Before the Thighmaster makes him like his ex

The rest of you are animals. My Insight’s to shoot you down like Zemo with my copies

I’m cold like cryostasis, so I pulled the Cable on your cliche post-credits scenes.



Mowgli:
Swinging in to beat ya black and Baloo; when I howl, you best cower

This man-cub's got the spit to melt the Winter Soldier, like a red flower

I was raised by wolves! I'll rip this bunny apart 'less she Hopps off elsewhere

Po's presence is Barely a Necessity; hell, you're not even a real bear!

Bruce and Clark topped the box office but that verse made me nauseous

Proves no matter what clichéd shit's displayed, it's gonna make a profit

And I'd scar Wade like Shere Khan but looks like cancer got him before me

'Cause it's the Law of The Jungle to not rumble with the new king, Mowgli



Ratchet & Clank :
Look at this, Clank! A shi- (Ratchet!) reboot and some gritty edge lords!

Remember when comics were fun? It is sad that we’re getting bored...

We’re real heroes, going All-4-One, and you know what I’ll do to have this won?

How about you tell ‘em, Clank? Rip you a new one!

I recall Kipling’s novel was exceedingly good, until you changed the recipe

Eh, I’ve only seen the cartoon, but this remake’s stripped to the Bear Necessities!

So, while you will all go down in infamy, Ratchet and I will be cheered

We’ll take our place as the greatest video game movie of this year! (Eh-heh-hee-hee!)

(A talon-like foot comes in from off-screen and punts Clank away.)



Red:
What was that last part? I think I must’ve misheard you

That term best serves the dude your views aren’t worth a third to!

Think your Qwarkiness is a virtue but it’s annoying and absurd, too

Score a Metacritical hit, you pigs are getting sick with Bird Flu!

I could Chuck a couple bucks while your cinematic vomit Bombed it

Matilda would harp on it but I gotta crack a couple eggs to make an omelette!

It’s Roviover when this Angry Bird Fights back, send your bot skyward

Three Gold Stars for these cold bars while yours rolled hard! Slingshots fired!



Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:
( Leonardo, Donatello , Raphael , Michelangelo )

Some call us the night, fleeting shadow in dark corners

We Knicks nix on these dozen pricks like pizza on floorboards!

I’ll take you to the dumps, toss your plot in the Shredder

Show this distorted bird which coloured team is better

You know, good for them, they achieved the power of flight

I don’t think it counts when the catapult puts them in the fight

We come Out of the Shadows backed by the Green Arrow

But your cognition’s too narrow to realize you don’t rate Carmelo

Corrupt the droid’s AI and I’ll illustrate cool but rude guy

By digging the Krang out of these Bebops with these two sais

Putting in-fighting aside for fraternity? Only in New York, I see

If you can’t put your differences aside it might as well be Jersey!



Anduin & Durotan :
If I wanted to duke against green mutants, I would've stuck with Gul'dan's crew.

How about we cut up these half-brain half-shells and make some turtle soup?

With a side of bird and rodent, trying to claim to be the best video games?

We knock over lots of roadblocks and dominate the MMO craze!

When we fight together, you'll all die together. And now with that said,

These turtles try to stick to the shadows, but still can't hide their fat heads.

It's time you go, 'else you'll be buried underneath our lore.

We've defeated you lot for the Alliance! Horde. Alliance! Horde! ALLIANCE! HORDE!



Dory:
Best of video games? That’s putting it De-generously,

When you’d be forgotten by an audience with the best memory!

‘Cause the only orange clowns they care about can be found in an anemone

Game films always fail! Your fate to flop was just Destiny!

I’ll Just Keep Swimming while this young knight drowns,

In my skill to Crush Turtles and flip Blizzard upside-down!

Echo Relocate to the sewers from whence your ninja crew came,

When the Inspectah’s on Deck, you’d swear this blue tang was Wu Tang!



Max:
These stories make me think writers lost their minds like Dory!

I'll give your posterior a terrible tear when you step to terrier territory!

I'm a domestic protector, leaving you wild animals ousted!

We're the biggest hit of the year that didn't need help from a mouse head!

I wouldn't even play ball with these game films when they got glitched out this season,

And chasing my tail is more fun than superheroes fighting each other for no reason!

It's no secret to life that pets drew kids better than you did!

You're adaptations and sequels, but your quality feels like your verses were rebooted!



Ghostbusters:
( Abby, Eren , Patty , Holtzman )

L e t ’ s g o. O h. Sorry, did you want to- No, it’s cool, next time.

‘Cause once we shred these blue and red guys, we’ll bust what’s left of their dead rhymes!

This in-fur-ior pup will grab any attention he can get his paws on,

And this reef creeping freak packs as much beef as one freaking wonton!

I’m not good in a fight, but even you can combat with flatfish and this Max bitch

Skip! I’d rather save and see Sing then Toy-Story-with-Raving-Rabbids!

No way! I can think of three uses for a dog cadaver right now! (Oh, she crazy.)

Vietnamese cuisine is on me! You just got Holtzman’d, baby!



Captain Kirk:
Stardate 7.7.16: J.J. says G.G. to these lesser guys,

Phasers set to lasers, step to this hell-raiser and pay the Enterprice!

My bite is harsher than the bark of Kevin Hart and his carpet-marking target

With lens flare brighter than your highest minds even when I embark Into Darkness

What’s some Proton-packing posers to a space-aceing ladies man?

Those poltergeist pansies are candy compared to your stampede of angry fans

But two hours of your tiny wits? Beam me up! I don’t have time for this!

No Bones about it! McCarthy plays a more convincing Slimer than a scientist!



Harley Quinn & Deadshot:
Y’all Jokers must be crazy, and trust us, we know about crazy!

Squad full of Heathens’ll shake you, even if our plot is shaky!

Midway City under attack, and where were the heroes at?

Left the world in our hands, we got abandoned by the Bat!

Not even Wade could break our Waller, how is she not dead?

Honestly, before she blew us up, I could’ve put a bullet in her head.

For light hearted crooks, people think we’re Rotten Tomatoes, who wouldn’t?

The Worst. Heroes. Ever. just made a come back from the critics, Goodnight, puddin!



Frank:
You’ll suffer losses when you try to toss with this sausage,

I’m the whole package of beef, you’re all a buncha weak sauces

Got my flow outta the frozen aisle, speaking of which, that’s where I should be

Seriously, guys, guys, I’ve been outside for a few days, I’m getting kinda moldy

I should be healthy though, I got my mouth full of Brenda’s grains

Speaking of which, has anyone noticed how I don’t have any junk

I’m in pain

Seriously stop the beat I’m dying this is not the way I wanted to go

I’m spoiled rotten, I should probably connect this to a fanbase joke

But I’m dying



Kubo:
Open your eyes, and from the seas, rises a kid’s film that isn’t CGI

In a time where a M-rated Foodfight tries too hard to be Family Guy,

Foodporn gore who’s more of a dead bore than the Suicide team’s swines

With Two Strings and my sword sheathed, cut you down like Leto’s screentime

I’m unbreakable; My legacy lives, but you faded away in a week

‘Cause you're too silly for adults, yet for kids, too raunchy and bleak

There’s no Help now; Following my dad's steps, all of you got Beat

I’ll rock the box office, while you all and my guitar gently weep



Rocky, Alex, & Money :
Let’s score this cash! Legend has it that these blockbusters got beaucoup bucks

Let’s just get in and out. Ay, we’re gonna rip off all you stupid fucks!

Shouldn’t we be quiet? We’re gonna wake up that old guy dressed as a bat!

Like yeah, seriously man, I don’t wanna get in trouble with my dad...

Please, why would they go against Rocky IV? Uh, there’s no Creed amongst thieves?

Man, shut the fuck up, Alex! I’m trying to put the scare in these dweebs!

I just want to get out of this shitty town, so let’s make like the safe and break it

...I don’t think we’re alone in this house. Shit, I don’t want to get turkey basted!



Miss Peregrine:
You wish to talk turkey? Personally, I find myself to be the superior Bird,

Wish to venture in my home? I’ll top the first two and proceed to bomb the Third!

Ay! If you wish to break the mop misogyny, Abby, get out of the damn kitchen!

It’s a common fact that bats rely on sound, so why didn’t you give your fans a listen?

Then the crude charlatan brought in a plot so generic it was like it happened last week

Millard pop a button; I smoke out smoked sausage like the briar pipe in my beak!

I’ve set this battle ablaze like I just dropped a flow of rum

Time to reset this dreadful year; Run, Rabbit, Run, Run, Run!



Doctor Strange:
Dormammu, I've come to battle, and don't think I'll be all chat,

Because I get right to the action, not that DC would know anything about that.

I don't need the Eye of Agamotto to predict this outcome, it'll come in a snap.

I'm no longer a neurosurgeon, so even I can't fix the brainlessness of these raps!

There won't be any Defenders left to hit when Stephen spits a mystic diss

I'm not a Doctor in Strangelove, though I do think the comic boys should get over it and kiss.

Against my mind, you lot can be added to the list of 2016 falls,

Though fret not, Avengers, I'll be back again to save you all.



Moana & Maui :
Maui! Shapeshifter, demigod of the wind and rhyme

Actually it’s tide - Maui! Just play along in this fight!

Fight? Ha! Alright! Now who’s the great Maui crushing up tonight?

Them! Huh? That ain’t right! I’ve smashed coconuts bigger than these guys!

It doesn’t matter, Maui, right now we have a quest to set sail

Through these ragged rock ratings and sunken box office fails

Fine, but I’ll be eating up those bunny thighs faster than her fanbase does

Whoa, that was actually pretty good! Hey, what can I say? You’re welcome!



Jyn Erso:
That’s enough from Lilo & Hercules, I’m a Dark Side of Disney

Your eyesight is fine yet you’re blind as mice, while The Force Is With Me

Look in the Mirror Dimension and maybe then Sherlock can tell,

That between this rehash and sea hag, where you repeat, I rebel.

You’ll choke on your words and aspirations if you don’t keep your guard up,

This cipher’s hotter than Kyber once Stardust’s bars bust

Think I won’t erase X-Men frauds and demigods and you’re sorely mistaken,

I’ll put us all to sleep if it means that The Force Awakens

(Peaking out from over the horizon, the Death Star blasts Scarif and wipes out the entire planet, taking Jyn and every other participant of the battle with it, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland devoid of life. However, the scene slowly shifts from the destroyed landscape to a rainy, old-fashioned New York, where a suitcase is seen lying in the middle of the street. The suitcase zips open, revealing an inside world full of strange creatures and our last rapper who you've probably figured out by now.)



Newt Scamander:
Don’t worry! Don’t panic! The Death Star may cause havoc, but-

...oh, I’m too late? Well, at least I can document life on this planet. (Uhhh...)

All the species are suffering from the story that you try and told,

But all it turned out to be was Lucas trying to retcon a plot hole!

This may be more interesting than I suspected! New York repeated!

It’s Strange Benedict stole from Peregrine to leave his nemesis defeated!

Let me inspect closer the survival chances of Moana’s people on form,

She may be supported by a god, but she’d be a crushed Asian in a storm!

I’m fighting dark lords with Dumbledore for more wars than you could think!

My quest for knowledge is so important that it gives me a theory on everything!

Erm, sorry, I’m annoying, not used to people paying me this much attention...

I should expulse you all from this battle with no need for detentions!

I know some great chefs, but what you cook up is entirely utter tripe!

I can find a fantastic diss and use them with skill to make you suffer twice!

Now I realise that this verse may be pointless, with all my enemies made dust

But they wanted a money grabbing finale, and that’s what Fantastic Beasts does.

Outro
Who won? Deadpool Po Judy Hopps Superman & Batman Bucky Barnes Mowgli Ratchet & Clank Red Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Anduin & Durotan (Warcraft) Dory Max Ghostbusters Captain Kirk Suicide Squad Kubo Rocky, Alex & Money (Don't Breathe) Miss Peregrine Doctor Strange Moana & Maui Jyn Erso Newt Scamander

Special thanks to:

- WonderPikachu12, for writing as Po and War craft.

- Bobdave, for writing as Judy Hopps.

- Hippie Rat, for writing as Superman & Batman.

- Iamthelegion, for writing as Bucky Barnes and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and also offering to write for Angry Birds.

- JakeTheManiac, for writing as Mowgli, and also offering to write for Captain Kirk.

- Dark Cyan, for writing as Ratchet & Clank.

- Max, for writing as Max, and also offering to write for Dory.

- Alanomaly, for writing as Suicide Squad.

- GravityMan, for writing as Frank, Miss Peregrine (lol) and Moana & Maui.

- Robotic Operating Mango, for writing as Kubo.

- TKandMit, for writing as Don 't Bre athe, and also offering to write as Deadpool.

- Mystical Trixter, for writing as Doctor Strange.

- Joeaikman, for writing as Newt Scamander.

I wrote for Norm of the North, Deadpool, Angry Birds , Dory , The G host bust ers , Captain Kirk , and Jyn Erso.

Special mentions for Kungfuguy27, who was originally going to write for Dory and Suicide Squad, and to NeoBranwen711, who was originally going to write for Derek Zoolander, who got scrapped after he dropped out.

Also a more trivial mention for Tkid115 and JPhil2.0, who I intended to ask to write for Deadpool and Captain Kirk respectively, but couldn't find a way to contact them.

Hippie doesn't have a nav, but a list of his battles can be found on his profile.