User blog:Joeaikman/Rap Battle of Thrones - Book I Chapter III - Tywin Lannister

'''Written by User:Joeaikman and User:BreZ. If you read on you risk spoilers for both the Game of Thrones TV show and A Song of Ice and Fire book series. You have been warned'''

Tywin Lannister was sat on the privy of his bedroom in the Tower of the Hand late at night. He hears sounds outside as if someone was moving. He starts to hear the door open and looks up to see...

BILL GATES

Tywin scowls

VS

Tywin stands and the background changes to the Golden Lion standard of House Lannister

TYWIN LANNISTERRRRRRRRRRRRR

BEGIN!

Girl, fetch the water, we've got new meat for the dogs

Call yourself a techie, Bill? Seems you’re in the wrong Jobs

I'll skin a stag as you speak, so try and say something clever

Or else I'll burn your charity cases when I let loose Ser Gregor

Who will butcher Melinda, and every one of your endeavours

And crush this lesser error who tries to rival against his betters

I'll Reyne on your parade, drop the hammer of House Lannister

You want to help the needy? Clean out the cisterns in Africa

I'll eliminate your options, drive you to join the Night's Watch

Tried to sack a city, but you botched and Ellia got knocked off

You were too soft, hence why your armies got Crossed by Robb

And your flop was due to Joanna playing with Aerys' Casterly Rocks

The truth is, I'll leave this doofus Tytos Toothless, wash this tyrant's

Lion's Tooth away when I start flowing like the river Trident

Fucking hoes in your Tower, send you back to Shae Home

I'll kick your righteous ass back to wherever bores go

You'll address me as M'Lord when we engage in battle rap

Listening to you is as awkward as when your grandson answers back

And your kids only exist so there can be more soft core porn

This is too easy, I'm facing a Gates that even Stannis could storm

Your chances are Micro, any Companions won't be Brave in my bear pit

I've listened to a Lannister's wit and I could find more gold in his shits

If I stopped inducting money we'd soon all be dead and gone

Yes, but whilst you'd be forgotten, my family name will live on

A Lannister always pays his debts and I owe an ass kicking to this nerd

This is what a bitch is pitching to me? It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard

Deem yourself keen, but your thoughts could be bought for a quarter

You should drop out of this battle faster than you did with Harvard

But if this fool wants to continue battle then I'll leave him rotting in my castle

Because the mantle of this Andal ranks above this shamble of a handful

The Kingsroads ahead, at the Green Fork you'll be destroyed

I'll melt down your millions and they'll call me the Master of Coin

Forget Gatsby, I'm Great, facing me was a wretched fate

I'll wait it out in Harrenhal until there's a new tech age

Your money’s all filthy, House Lannister is as Rich as a janitor

You won’t tie nor win, cause you're just not a competitor

Let’s start discussing your kin we shall begin with your twins

Then move on to the Imp who fully embodies all your sins

Take a look at that legacy, what a shambolic family

If you hadn't loaned it all I'd suggest you donate your wealth to charity

Here's my Zucker punch, serve up a Buffet for your pleasure

Because you'll never be remembered, despite all your best efforts

With your BASIC skills and slow Windows Vista flow

I'll rally up my armies and leave you tic-tac-towned

Get your Tank to Think up some new ways that you can wreck this

Cos all those relative burns? Me and Kevan'never Sein-felt it

You're just a diminutive gnome who knows how to use a calculator

Whilst I'm a calculating general, legislator and manipulator

I'll have to Mine for new material because you aren't worthy to face me

In the Concert of Thrones I'll Cast A Mere punk as left defeated

Your kids commit incest in the West, whilst you're losing all your settlements

And the Iron Bank saw the whoredom of this Warden as a poor investment

You failed to stop Joff from doing exactly as he pleased

Now I'll donate money to cure Tywin of his Mad Dogs disease!

You watched your father fail, his vassals left him outdone

And you know what they say, Scrooge, like father like son

Do me a kindness and lose quickly, I've gotta buy out your city

And remove your smiling corpse from the master bedroom privy

Who won? Tywin Lannister Bill Gates