User blog:Alexschmidt711/Rap Battle Review 1 - J.R.R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin by Epic Rap Battles of Extreme

Hey. I have no relation to the rap battle community (which, given the amount of drama it seems to cultivate, might be for the best). However, I liked watching other people pick apart other’s rap battles. So here’s my own review of J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin, by Epic Rap Battles… of Extreme.

Epic Rap Battles of Extreme

J. R. R. Tolkien

Having it in black and white makes sense, given that Tolkien lived during the early 20th century, at least. But of course, they have a kid playing him. This is par for the course in fanmade ERBs, and at least Zack looks a little bit like a younger Tolkien, but his camera and green-screen are pretty bad as well. And why is he grasping at the camera?

vs George R. R. Martin 

Is that supposed to be George R. R. Martin? Apart from the hat there’s not much of a resemblance. The glasses are somewhat forgivable as you probably can’t find ones looking like Martin’s lying around your house, but couldn’t you at least have gotten a white fake beard? The green screen is better on this side, though. And is he vomiting at Lord of the Rings right here? Or just making sure your beard stays on? Shouldn’t you save the “directly dissing stuff your opponent made” for the actual battle?

''You shall not pass! The famous JRR Tolkien has arrived! ''

(As a side note, I keep misspelling Tolkien when writing this review. At least this battle hasn’t screwed that up yet.) Such a wonderful first line. Throw in a quote, then the rapper announcing their name even though the other rapper should already know who they are and in a manner that’s hasn’t got anything to do with their character. I’ll start counting filler lines.

FL: 1 

''You better step back or else I’ll blast you with a huge beam of light! ''

So Tolkien’s a wizard himself now? And calling it “A huge beam of light” sounds more sci-fi than fantasy. Gandalf doesn’t even use a huge beam of light in that “You shall not pass” scene. Also, rhyming “arrived” with “light”. That’s another filler line too, then!

FL: 2 

''You got an award for best novel? Isn’t that fantastic/Your novels are so sh**y that even Jeff Kinney says they’re just drastic!''

Why do we have to diss Jeff Kinney now too? And other than the flow, what reason was there to bring him up? And “just drastic” is a weird way to say “bad”.

All your novels are just known for

Hold on. It’s either “All your novels are known for” or “Your novels are just known for”. You can’t have both, then the sentence doesn’t make sense and is too long.

''Death and masturbation/I’ll get my wife Edith to b**ch slap your face back to Dark Visions! ''

Decent obscure reference, but “masturbation” and “visions” don’t rhyme. And is Tolkien so cowardly he needs his wife to slap Martin for him?

So get out of this battle, go back to writing The Clash of Kings

It’s A Clash of Kings, and he already finished that book. I’ll give this line a .5 filler because at least it tries to reference something.

FL: 2.5 

''Your fans are invisible, it’s like all of them is wearing the one ring! ''

If his fans were invisible, they still exist, you just can’t see them. And it should be “all of them are”. And if it’s the one ring, how can they all be wearing it? And Tolkien’s lip-sync doesn’t match up very well.

And what’s with that weird sound effect between verses?

What the hell is this guy doing here, this feels like Dying of the Light

Another reference, except this one is even more pointless. How is this like Dying of the Light?

FL: 3.5

''Don’t even try to step to me or be in for a fright! ''

FL: 4.5 

''I know your series was a big hit, but it’s obvious to see/My stories are filled with hit action, while yours are filled with hairy-toed freaks! ''

Ah, the time-honored tactic of “blacking someone’s silhouette out instead of filming them from the back”. And the top of his head is cut off too.

''Once I’m done with you, it’ll leave a storm of vicious rhymes! ''

FL: 5.5 

Why “it’ll”? Shouldn’t it be “I’ll leave a storm of vicious rhymes?”

''So you better back off old-timer/You’re just way past your prime! ''

OK if uninventive line, and they don’t awkwardly hold on the frozen pose for too long during the transition. I’ll let it slide.

''Lord of the Rings? The Hobbit? Man, I’d rather read Harry Potter! ''

What’s so bad about Harry Potter? Unless he’s implying Tolkien’s books are childish, which makes sense I guess.

''Call me King Joffrey, I order you to be slaughtered! ''

Nice unnecessary shirt change for that one shot. Why couldn’t it just’ve been him with the sword?

One does not simply say that you’re better than me!

FL: 6.5 

And that Lord of the Rings reference doesn’t fit grammatically, “one” is third person, “you” is second person.

While I’m writing masterpieces, you’re on a fictional killing spree!/Face it you’re the monster 

There should probably be a colon after “Face it”

''And I’m the critic! ''

As I suspected, this is a reference; namely to one of Tolkien’s essays on Beowulf. But it doesn’t really make sense here; “you’re the monster” fits in with the “you kill people in your stories for fun” thing in the last line; but how is being a critic supposed to be relevant? And Tolkien’s essay was criticizing the critics.

FL: 7.5 

''A light from my rhymes shall spring upon this prick! ''

Did they just rhyme “critic” with “prick”? Nice reference though.

''I’ll kill you like a mockingbird, feel my lyrical wrath you worthless chump! ''

What does “To Kill a Mockingbird” have to do with Tolkien or Martin?

FL: 8.5 

''I’ll drive you out of business and leave you on the streets looking like Gollum! ''

How did these two lines get so much longer? And “chump” and “Gollum” aren’t exactly great rhymes. Also, interesting Gollum cameo there.

I’ll be coming in with a sick flow that’ll leave you just breathless

  FL: 9.5

''I shall claim my victory in the end, and say I’ve taken the Precious! ''

So after those long verses, we just went back to normal?

''You don’t know what you’re Tolkien about, you freaky little rat! ''

How is Tolkien a rat? And I bet you were just waiting to use that pun. Shirt change again!

FL: 10.5

''You took the fantasy and replaced it with CGI trash! ''

That’s Peter Jackson’s fault, not Tolkien’s. And Game of Thrones has CGI too.

There’s no way you’re so tough 

Wait a minute. The subtitles say “tough”, and that’s what makes sense, but the audio is “through”. Did nobody notice?

After getting scared from a spider 

Why “after”? It makes it sound like being scared by a spider is what stripped him of his toughness. And it should be scared by a spider.

What the hell were you on when you made Gollum a character?

Rhyming “spider” and “character”? Really? And why is Gollum a bad character? At least do Tom Bombadil or someone like that.

I’ve got a whole book of disses for this a**hole tonight!

FL: 11.5

None of your movies can match my doorways of rhymes!

“Tonight” and “rhymes” don’t really rhyme, but it’s better than “spider” and “character” at least. And “doorways of rhyme”? Yeah, Martin tried to make a series called “Doorways”, but “doorways of rhyme” doesn’t make sense!

''I’m verbally taking you down with all these words that I’m summoning! ''

FL: 12.5 

''Brace yourself because, your fans are not coming. ''

That's the line you end on? What is that supposed to mean? Why is he supposed to brace himself if no fans are coming?

So that’s J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin, by Epic Rap Battles of Extreme. On the plus side, the subtitles don’t have any spelling errors that I noticed, so it gets points for that. And some of the references they stuck in were nice, though they often didn’t make sense, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t look into their biographies and works too deeply. However, the grammar had a lot of issues, there were many questionable rhymes along with loads of filler lines, and none of the disses felt that impactful. The writing in general just wasn't that good. Also, the camera work wasn’t great, though the editing did avoid some of the common clichés.