User blog:The Flatwoods Monster/The Martian vs Gravity. Rap Battle



fuck you read this. did you read it? good. now go read it again. optionally read it a third time for good measure. then come back here.

right. now with that out of the way,



all cards on the table i really fucking love astronomy. so here's a battle to celebrate that by pitting together two characters who absolutely shit on astronomy multiple times.

nah-but-really hi everyone welcome back to Epic Rap Battles of Space is Fucking Cool. i know it wasnt long ago at all that the movie royale came out but since november ive been trying to do a one-battle-a-month thing but then i fucked it up grav fucked it up and the movie royale came out in february instead of january. so im gonna give a big old fuck you to time and say that the movie royale was the january battle like it was supposed to be and this is the february battle. you dont really care. on to the battle

In today's match-up, the team-botanist for the Ares III research group, Mark Watney, from Ridley Scott's 2015 film The Martian, squares off with the unlucky biomedical engineer, Ryan Stone from the 2013 film Gravity to see who's the better scientist to be stranded in outer space.

shout-out to mit. he read over the rough draft and dressed up my shitty errors with formalities so i wouldnt drop any of my ten roles in season four gave me some advice that later led to me revising a bunch of the old lines into somewhat less bad versions. he also said a while ago that he might be doing this for mitstory but i really dont think thats gonna happen so thats neat.

hope you enjoy the battle and read this again.

Intro
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF OH SHIT I ACTUALLY RECOGNIZE THESE PEOPLE!



VS!



BEGIN!

Mark Watney:
Take some notes before you start with Mark: It’s probably best to say

I’ll leave oxygen levels critical from how fast I’ll take your breath away!

I survived through hunger, drought, disco music, and power outages,

When there’s a problem on hand, I science the shit out of it!

Your rhymes will end up like your pacing; slower than my hovercraft,

Like Clooney, the audience gets their one laugh from when you make a comeback!

See, I’m both realistic and prolific; your daunting odyssey's aren’t fun!

Check the tally and see my bars won; Zero Gravity, Mars One

Ryan Stone:
Copy that, Matt? He’s about to get demolished like his airlock is,

It’s one hell of a ride once Gravity starts dropping knowledge

That reminds me of a story; and no, it’s not your best seller,

One where your happy ending looks more like Interstellar’s

I’m a terrifying reality of space’s ghosts and vain hopes,

You’re a three hour tutorial on how to grow potatoes!

So next time they send a space probe, tell N.A.S.A’s civilians

To leave Watney to rot with his botany and save a couple billions!

Mark Watney:
“Terrifying reality?” That’s a fancy way of saying “you scared kids”

But when we face off like Shariff, I’m on point like Polaris!

And beyond being a fear-mongering piece of propaganda,

You left a cast of A-List actresses asking “why the Bullocks was it Sandra?!”

It’s no wonder you’re so weary, when just the mention of shoes gets you teary,

Her qualifications are so in question you’d swear Gravity was just a theory!

Our interest was left up with Matt by the time you hit the water,

Climbing the cosmos won’t get you any closer to your daughter.

Ryan Stone:
Sixteen disses and you still haven’t defied me as bad as physics,

That jet propulsion gimmick was more realistic when Wall-E did it!

So I’ll leave you in the dust faster than the Hermes team,

And averting your eyes like it’s a self-surgery scene

Your verses belong in space, since the best part is the silence

The scanners blindness to your life is from your triteness; It isn’t rocket science,

I’m cinematography’s Zenith and my thesis for your weakness is,

You run a one-way street, ‘cause you’re directed by Prometheus

Mark Watney:
I’m Hot Stuff! Check the number of drones that were flown

By both China and the States who united to Bring Me Home!

I could use your shitty raps to fertilize the crops that I’ve grown,

I’m a huge leap for mankind; you’re just a small stepping Stone!

Ryan Stone:
You should know when a storm is coming, given your history with cyclones

Needed help from two countries? That’s funny! I got back all on my own!

Brought together nations but still shot down like the ISS station,

Houston, we have another Matt Damon in need of saving.

Announcer:
WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Outro
Who won? Mark Watney (The Martian) Ryan Stone (Gravity)