User blog:Hippie Rat/The Wiki-Wide Review - Hippie Rat Reviews

Hey yo hi hello

Today is the day I get lynched.

So today I'm reviewing a bunch of battles released by members of the ERB wiki.

If you aren't on here I'll tell you when you can start officially asking me to be in the next one, which is probably going to be more than every tenth review now. Maybe every 15x+10th review (10, 25, 40, etc). But maybe I will make it every tenth still. I don't know. It depends.

Thank you so much to absolutely every one of you.

This is going to be insanely long so let's just jump right into it.

==WonderPikachu12's Pepsiman vs Santa Claus and Superwholock Rap Battle==

Here's how a Nazi does a soda-themed Christmas special.

Okay so turns out the battle I originally reviewed here was a joke one. I didn't read into that that way. So I'm making up by adding a review of the more recent Superwholock battle.

Pepsiman:

'''It's the next Cold War, a cola war! Silver Surfer against Fat Albert! Let's see, can '''

(So to start it all off we got way too much thrown into one line. 1)The Cold War - cola war pun loses its punch when both are said back to back. If you wanted to include a reference to soda being served cold, say that somewhere else. Like Santa says a hard diss and the polar bear is like "Oh, that's cold." Or something. It's the only logical thing to do when you have Polar Bear jumping in to say random lines in Santa's verse unannounced. The idea of cola war is also a throwaway third of a line that doesn't go with anything else that is said. 2)I can see and like the Silver Surfer comparison, but Fat Albert? I get it, fat guys. But that's it. It's also a comic book comparison followed by a Saturday morning cartoon comparison. Just doesn't fit together. 3)Let's see can is just rhyme filler, but it's like...what? This line feels unfinished. If this was said out loud no one would understand where the line ended and what's supposed to be rhyming. Is can a soda can reference? No, because the soda can version of the word can is used three lines later, along with this definition of the word can being used as the rhyming word at the end of the line two lines from now... like what. "Oh but Hippie it's clever because the first four lines all rhyme with Pepsiman" except it loses its cleverness when you realize he had to interject lines in the middle of, not even sentences, separate sentence fragments, all being decimated for the sake of a rhyme structure.)

'''You stand up to this? You travel the whole world and still manage to be hefty, man! '''

(Can I just mention that the whole "you battling me?" thing is kinda overplayed and was already way too filler in the first place? And yeah wow like we haven't seen a movie where the character that's skeptical about Santa Claus existing says something along the lines of "are you seriously thinking that a fat guy can travel the entire world in one night?" Like what does that have to do with Santa's ability to "stand up to" Pepsiman? "Thing that rhymes with yes/Thing that doesn't, yes!")

'''Who can take down a bloated, greedy Hallmark mascot? Pepsi can! '''

("Who can stop this constipated jock..." "You a dumb bitch mascot for Hallmark in denial!" "Also you're fat and greedy.")

'''I'll crush you like a Pepsi can when you try to step to Pepsimaaan! '''

(Hey did I mention Pepsi can? Because Pepsi can Pepsi can Pepsi can. Also let's get rid of that "try to" shit. I get that it's meant to be a way to say that they can't step to them, but it's understood that the person rapping already puts the person they're rapping against at a level below them and thus they don't need a "try to.")

'''I'm rocking chains, you're whipping slaves! Can't get children to behave if, '''

(Fuck it, I have like fifteen battles to go through, I'm not doing full research on each character, but what chains? Like restaurant chains? Metal link chains? And how does Pepsiman's chains and Santa Claus's abuse of slaves connect? And how do either connect to the children bit at the end? Also "you ain't a saint, you a slaver.")

'''You're known for abiding to the rich snobs and ignoring the poor kids. '''

(Because "abiding to" is the phrase most normally used in a rap battle. Try something more casual, like "sucking up to" or something. And let's be honest here, "behave if" doesn't rhyme with "poor kids". Sure they have the "ih" rhyme, but since the word before the "if" is the accented one, you wouldn't be able to really register the word "if" besides contextual understanding, making this just not sound like it rhymes in a rap. And that's ignoring the fact that you did that decimating sentence fragments for the rhyme thing again.)

'''While I'm racin' to save them! Give them that cool drink that they need! '''

(Sure yeah whatever. It isn't bad, it just doesn't seem like it'd immediately flow with this wording, but you probably had an idea how it would flow so I'll let it slide.)

'''Zap you into a pile of Pepsi cans if you try to rap back against me! '''

("Back against me" is a tautological phrase and should be avoided. Also HOLY FUCK WITH THESE PEPSI CANS. This is like the third or fourth time you said specifically Pepsi can and it's the second time in this verse where you delivered an empty threat based on the analogy between Santa Claus and a Pepsi can that was done on the assumption that Santa Claus would rap against Pepsiman. If that's not paint-by-numbers writing I don't know what is.)

Santa Claus:

'''Ho ho ho! You got no flow, bro! I'm a stone cold coal pro, fo' sho'! '''

(..yo? I get it, you have some weird "oh oh oh" rhyme scheme gimmick going on, but in cadence to "ho ho ho" it doesn't really fit rap, especially not in such a way that we have a line with twelve "oh"s in it. Also, it goes from "aaabcaaa" to "deaaaaaa" when it should've gone to "aaadeaaa" if you wanted to keep the consistency.)

When stepping to the North Pole, you better know, we make it snow!

(Is this supposed to be a "make it rain" joke? Because I have to jump through a bunch of hoops to assume that. And does anyone else detect the severe backwash of Moses vs Santa Claus in this? Because it feels plainly evident here.)

'''You fit both our products to a T; you're a real soft drink! I'm vicious! '''

(When the line already doesn't flow, don't add the "to a T" bit to cram all these syllables. And when we know the connection, "both" in this case is pretty tautological. Also, way to completely undermine one of the more clever ideas for a lyric with that unnecessary disconnected rhyme filler phrase "I'm vicious!")

Cola has that refreshing taste that makes you go - "Ah, delicious!"

(...You do know that Pepsi is also a cola, right? Like, if you look up the word Cola in the dictionary it does mention that it can be used as a shortening for the words "Coca-Cola," but that doesn't work here because Coke is going up against another cola, one who's full name already is Pepsi-Cola. As in this line really just serves to say "the thing we're connected by is pretty cool" when I know for a fact you meant for that to just be Coke because you used Coke's tagline. And you know what happens when you badly translate a word into a rap battle because it kinda sorta fits what you could claim to be what the line means, right? Your rhymes get profound.)

'''Coke will leave the rep for Pep' to go and choke on his own fizz. '''

(As in Coke will stop being repped in this battle? I know Santa stops repping for Coke later for the Polar Bear to do so but that doesn't happen yet. Did you mean to say that Coke is leaving the rap for Pepsi to go fuck off? Because that doesn't happen, but I know he doesn't leave the rep because the thing you're representing can't leave you, it would have to be the other way around. Seriously, either your rhymes are profound or you thought you could get away with using a completely different word for an internal rhyme scheme, in which case your rhymes are super profound.)

(So I'm adding this the day after I wrote the previous parenthetical, and I'm understanding now that you mean Pepsi's rep fucking off, not Coke leaving the battle or something while Pepsi fucks off. So, like, this line is actually okay, but it obviously has the potential to confuse readers.)

'''With the way you look, it's like you want to be on the naughty list! '''

(How? Why? Is..looking like Silver Surfer with a huge sponsor the main qualification for being on the naughty list? What the fuck does this mean?)

'''Shake a superhero-wannabe relentlessly and leave him to burst. '''

(The words superhero and wannabe should be flipped around. And why the unnecessary "relentlessly"? Wannabe superhero is plenty of syllables already, we don't need that extra cram word.)

'''I'm sure you can take this beating, with how much you always get hurt! '''

(Like come on. So...he can take this beating...because he's so susceptible to damage? Are you saying he's gotten used to getting hurt so Santa..won't..harm..him...? What the fuck? So Santa..is sure...that Pepsiman...won't be affected by his raps...? That's the exact opposite of what you should be trying to insinuate!!!)

Pepsiman:

'''Damn, you're soulless and grainy, like you were ginger bread! (Hey!) '''

(Gingerbread isn't really bread, you know. It's a sort of cake. It's not really grainy in the same sense that bread is. And how in all hell is Santa grainy anyway? It really doesn't make sense)

'''With all that corn syrup in your soda, I'm sure your liver's dead! (Hey!) '''

(I looked it up, I said I wouldn't but it's worth it this time, and according to a nutritional investigation by Ryan W. Walker Ph.D., Kelly A. Dumke M.S., and Michael I. Goran Ph.D., the amount of sugars and corn syrups in Pepsi and Coke are more or less the same, and Pepsi appears to even be slightly higher. So, you know, pot calling the kettle black. Do better research or rhymes be profound.)

'''You're just like grandma, 'cause you've been sleighed by this sexy man! '''

(What in all fuck. Okay, first, I kindly welcome back the forced Pepsiman triple rhyme, I thought we were done with it after the first four lines but nah. Second, I really don't want to think about grandma and sexiness at the same time. Third, if Santa ran over grandma, as the song heavily implies, and if to qualify for being like grandma is being sleighed (way to steal that from the scrapped Moses vs Santa lyrics btw) by a sexy man, then you just called Santa, the opponent that you should be dissing here, sexy. Think this shit through, dude. And the base of this is just a cliché "I just defeated you" line.)

'''But that's just what you get when you challenge Pepsimaaaaaaan! '''

(We already had this. Honestly, this is just about the same thing as the "when you try to step to pepsimaaaaan" line. Pepsiman had twelve lines. And two of them are basically the same fucking line. Fucking hell man.)

Santa Claus:

'''You're too busy showing off your Jingle bells! Oh man, I must depart! '''

(Too busy doing that to do what? Context is necessary.

(This one I'm separating into two, because, you know, there's just two completely different not-at-all-the-same things going on in this line. And that second half that you threw in despite not having anything to do with the first half is the first half of a "I'm leaving the battle" thing.)

'''I've goodies to deliver! Bear, take it from here! You're Slender Man meets Muscle March!'''

(See, why wasn't that "I'm leaving the battle" thing just put into one line? It would've fit better and wouldn't have led to two lines that have two halves that have literally nothing to connect them at all.)

'''You're unbearable! Unplayable! You've got no Polar Expressions!'''

(Unbearable. Funny. Unplayable. You're doing good so far. Polar Expressions. ...sure? I mean we're dealing with the polar bear now, Santa's left, it's just soda mascot vs soda mascot now, so I don't know why there's still Christmas shit going down. But whatever.)

Merry Christmas to all now that we've shown whose soda is the best, son!

(Again, more Christmas when the Christmas part ended. And remember the Moses vs Santa Claus backwash this battle had? Now I feel a bunch of Saint Nicholas vs Saint Valentine backwash. And let's be honest, this battle had no "showing [people] whose soda is the best." "Best, son" is not only a "thing that rhymes with yes/thing that doesn't, yes!" rhyme, but it also doesn't rhyme with expressions anyway unless you drastically take away the stress in the word "son." So basically, as long as you want this to rhyme, you just ended the battle with the anticlimax of an emphasizedly unemphasized syllable.)

Supernatural:

'''Sammy, open the laptop. Why? We’ve got some new ghosts to hunt down, '''

(Not knowing enough about these shows, wouldn't Sam and Dean have a close enough relationship to not require the words "open the"? Even the smallest changes like that could make for a more economical and flowing tune. Similarly, "new ghouls" would sound better than "new ghosts". These aren't huge deals and all around this isn't that bad in an introductory faux-story sense.)

'''They’ve been haunting the BBC for too long. I doubt their scarier than any clown, '''

(Is that from experience? Do they regularly fight clowns? Are they scared of clowns? Is this just a "insert scary thing here"? Also, really only Doc has been haunting the BBC very long, while tying the long lifespan the Holmes books have had would be a good way to imply an old ghostly creature. I was going to check for any information on any other Holmes series on BBC, but unfortunately the internet connection wasn't they're. Hint hint.)

But cracking two aliens and their boyfriend really shouldn’t be too hard, 

(Their boyfriend? As in Watson has been fradoodling with Doctor as well as Holmes? Like, cute way to insult Brendan Clintondale's looks, but lumping those two together as one set of aliens with the same boyfriend is silly assuming Watson's actor wasn't in Who. "Defeating you won't be hard" cliché.)

When we send Smaug and Picard back to the stars, you can give our parents our regards, 

(Picard? I actually looked this one up and...really just don't understand it. Is it just because Who is a space traveler in general? Because if so "generalization of a character by listing a different character they share a slight similarity to" cliché.)

'''Hey, assbutts. Cas! How about this for a little divine intervention? '''

(Biting off of "be excellent. Rufus!" This is great, but "how's this for" would be a little better.)

Been around since you three were made, and I must say, I prefer the original versions, 

(This is okay, but intervention rhymes with version on the unstressed syllable, making it...not sound like a real rhyme.)

I’ve seen stranger Doctors from Marvel, but this version of Cumberbatch is the worst, 

(Missed opportunity to play around with Banana Republic's name. Also, reuse of the word version.)

'''This seraph serves the works of nerds. By that, I mean I beat you in the first verse, '''

(Speaking of which, why is Castile given a full four-bar stanza? Shouldn't the Supernatural bits be primarily the Winchesters? Also, "this [state occupation]" cliché. Otherwise, perfect line.)

Sherlock:

'''It’s quite ironic, isn’t it? Yeah, Sherlock? They say for too long, we’ve been live, '''

(Missed opportunity for a "Holmes explain". Also the anastrophe here is so jarring.)

But the unsubtle subtext of these brothers has been going at it since 2005, 

("Unsubtle subtext"? Are you implying Wincest or...? Also okay but Sherlock Holmes has been a thing since at least a few years before 2005 so I think that was a decent gripe for them to have.)

'''Think nothing of it, Sherlock. They couldn’t even amount to your double-billed hat, '''

(Hate to say it, but Batman did a Sherlock Holmes hat joke better than this, even with a choppy-as-all flow.)

'''Oh, please. I wore that hat only once, still longer than their fame had spanned, '''

(See now where you throw in banter that feels too contrived for a rap, there could've been a legitimate diss about an iconic part of the source material being tossed aside like a joke. Plus let's all keep in mind that this entire four-bar phrase was dedicated to the length of time Supernatural has been running being compared to a hat. Talk about unrelated thoughts. Sorry to throw a spanner in the works. And woah wait did you just rhyme spanned with hat? I know the vowel is listed in pronunciation guides the same way, but the consonants ending the words make the tail end of the vowel sound different and just....say the words out loud...normally, without stretching them at all, and you'll see they don't rhyme in a way that you're aiming for.)

'''But enough! Let’s turn our attention to Superman who got stuck in the phone booth, '''

(Now this generalization works more in that it mocks the whole basis in a much more descriptive way, but it would be a tad better if you said "to the Superman" for grammar's sake. As passable as it is though, it still is a "[generalization] who's [minute detail that pulls the character away from the generalization in a mocking way]" cliché.)

And despite all your efforts trying to stay young and hip, it seems people still loathe you, 

(Great example of double-rhyming here. As for the content of the line, yeah sure I guess so, but take out the "trying".)

I’ve seen better work over on Come Back Mrs Noah, special effects and plot, 

(There's enough to talk about with Doctor Who, Supernatural, and Sherlock being here, you don't need to make some off remark about a different tv show. And yeah, special effects and plot was what we figured you were talking about when mentioning the work you don't need to clarify it for us.)

'''At least it’s better than the Hardy Boys here, who don’t even have a theme song! '''

(More generalizations. I mean seriously, what weight does calling them "the Hardy Boys" have? And did you not say you had set your sights on rapping against The Doctor? And seriously what does not having a theme song have to do with anything? And in a multi-party battle, don't tier your opponents. Like don't say that one of your opponents is better than the other. Just say they both suck.)

Doctor Who:

'''I hear the question echoing throughout all of time, asking who? Doctor! '''

(What? What question? "Who?"? Why? What's the point? What is Who? Who is doing what? What does the question of who actually pertain to in this battle? It's nice you got the companions to be hype men. We don't see enough hype men in these battles.)

'''A big sci-fi icon repping in against these groups of rapping fools? Doctor! '''

("A big sci-fi icon" is probably the most vague way to describe the Doctor. And because of the lack of really any weight in the back half of the line, "it's funny because we are rapping.")

'''Choke you by your scarf and necklace. Don’t you know bow ties are cool? Doctor! '''

(Take out "and necklace" and this will be just uncluttered enough to be a great line.)

'''Equipped with tools to sonic screw your two crews if you choose the Doctor! '''

("Choose" the Doctor? Like, as in they decide to rap against him? Or chose him as a starter Pokémon? Because there is yet to be an urban dictionary entry of "choose" meaning "step up to" or something. Otherwise, great flow.)

These demons better run when they cross roads with a good man going to war, 

(Is good man a reference? Because if not you actually found an even more vague way to describe the Doctor. Also "leave this battle" cliché.)

I’d go with Classic Who if I wanted hour long plots, just ones that’re less of a bore, 

(Not too shabby.)

You’d think the brothers would know how to beat me, having ripped-off X-Files, 

(Ooh, not only a generalities cliché, but a "rip-off of this thing" cliché. And also we shouldn't need an understanding of X-Files to understand this line. Some people probably had no idea that X-Files was about stopping aliens along with supernatural beings.)

'''You’re both still at odds with the law; I have entire armies on my side! '''

(Having broken some laws does not inversely equate to having allied some armies.)

Supernatural:

'''You’re one to talk, doc. You Wood be Torched on sight given the chance, '''

(Good job making a pun that uses each syllable without leaving any awkward stray syllables.)

'''Your companions are quite disturbing, always trying to get into your pants! '''

(No no wait the joke is that they don't get in his pants. Remember? "Despite all your companions, you couldn't be having less sex!" You can't just flip the joke around and make it still work)

'''And man, why is each of them needlessly more important than the last? '''

(Okay slow down you're getting a bit too in-depth about the companions. This is the Doctor you should be dissing.)

'''Dragging these nobodies around, then, whoops, they suddenly go and save your ass? '''

(There you go. You got there eventually. You might've detoured a bit too much there. Supernatural was only given 16 lines, we can't waste them that much)

Sherlock would really need that, he’s been falling both from heights and from fame, 

("Fame is diminishing" cliché. Also the awkwardness of saying "both from". That's not natural without like, a long pause in speech.)

And the death of one of his two boyfriends seems to have just left him insane, 

("Seems to have just left him". You don't think a couple syllables could've been taken out of that? Also "one of his two boyfriends" I mean like now I need you to explain them by name. All or nothing. Preferably nothing. Like, take out "two.")

We’re always saving people, and hunting things; it’s the family business!

(Hunting "things" huh? Care to....explain? What kind of things? Just...things...and stuff? Stuff and things?)

'''So carry on, my wayward sons ‘a bitches! I don’t understand that reference…'''

(This would've been much better if you said "you wayward son 'a..." Also is the not understanding the reference bit necessary? That's your own reference, why would you not, ugh fuck it.)

Sherlock:

'''Bored! Sherlock! What? At least try to give these blokes a proper diss, '''

(I'm going to be honest, this is doing nothing but making me wish for the Holmes and Watson that Sherwin and Mooney portrayed. Not because this is bad, because generally this is pretty good, but because the character of Holmes just feels whiny. Like, is this really how this Holmes acts? I don't like it.)

'''They're not worth my time, with their tiny little minds. Just go blog about our win, '''

("Tiny little". That kinda redundant bit was kinda redundant. And "blog about their win?" Are they actually from Tumblr?)

'''They're a three-diss problem. Okay, if you do it, I'll shave my mustache, '''

(Okay now this is just cluttered. They're this kind of- okay I'll shave- shut up- I'm rapping now- Like can just one of these ideas come into fruition without being interrupted by another idea?)

'''...alright, shut up! Everyone, just shut up! I'm about to bust raps, '''

(Oh yeah, and like I said "I'm rapping now it's funny because I'm rapping.")

'''The only thing supernatural here is how these grim brothers are still on air. Boring! '''

(Did you not just already shout "boring" in response to Supernatural? And being on the air isn't a supernatural thing. Maybe if you likened it to an unsettling feeling in the air from a ghost, idk)

'''Repeating the same stories over and over, constant resurrections like Rory! '''

(Or just say "your storylines resurrect more often than Rory" or something. We don't need two separate clauses for that.)

I'm sure the Doctor is used to being da-licked in a war, has been for centuries, 

(Earlier you used Woodtorch and Carry On My Wayward Son without wasting a syllable, but now you have a useless syllable here? Why? Because ERB did it? That was the worst lyric in that battle! Not to mention DON'T STEAL YOUR JOKES STRAIGHT FROM ERB. I don't care if it's a different definition of lick, it's still stealing the same pun.)

Because really, if you wanted an easy win, you should’ve gone with Elementary, 

(What, is Elementary a different Sherlock Holmes show? Is that necessary to talk about? That's like Superman saying "if you wanted to defeat me you should've battled the N64 version".)

Doctor Who:

'''You’ve got a God Complex? Never thought I’d meet an unimportant person in my life! '''

(How does being unimportant equal out to having a God Complex without further explanation like you do here?)

'''You wanna taunt each other being gay; meanwhile, I’ve actually got a wife! '''

(So...are you still taunting them for being gay? Or is that an irrelevant thing? Seriously, how does having a wife stop them from calling them gay?)

'''Sherlock best be fairly wary. Hardly a genius if you keep losing your temper, '''

(Okay sure.)

'''Shows more forgettable than a password. Run, you clever boy, and remember... '''

(What, is run you clever boy and remember his password or something? Is that why you mention the password before that? Or are those two completely unrelated ideas, again?)

'''The TARDIS wouldn’t even teleport away from you had I set it to HADS! '''

(Don't say "had [something something] HADS". That just sounds silly. Not a pun, just silly. Also, don't cram lyrics with things like "even". That word's not necessary.)

'''Will I win this match? Spoilers… Well, I think we all know the answer to that, '''

(Okay sure.)

'''Been rocking the BBC since the 60’s, you both pale compared to this pro! '''

(The phrase is "pale in comparison". Don't just jumble around words in phrases. Also that's a bit filler.)

'''So just know, you couldn’t hope to flow to my show! Geronimoooo!'''

("It's funny because we're rapping, bye." So yeah, this was better than Pepsiman vs Santa, probably for the best since one had effort while the other didn't. I guess it's good that the battle without effort still had enough legitimacy to be mistaken for a battle with effort. The main problems in this were unnecessary words and phrases and bits that just didn't work together fully.)

Bantha117's Doctor Seuss vs Mother Goose
You said that I'd have to get Tiger's permission for a bunch of your stuff, so I got something he says he didn't do much for (and funnily enough I still went and got permission). Cheers mate.

Doctor Seuss:

Old Mother Goose, she had decided to wander

(This line seems strange. The choice of words sounds like you wanted this to have a specific special Seuss meter like Shakespeare's first lines, but it doesn't and it turns out it wasn't supposed to. It feels strange but if someone accurately translated it to audio it wouldn't matter and otherwise the line would be okay.)

In a wubbulous world of wonder, then was torn asunder

(These two phrases are a bit too uneven meter-wise to fully work. Asunder is one of those words you'd really never ever see in a rap battle. Otherwise decent.)

By the physician with a disposition for rhyming compositions

(I'll say it, this has gotten old. The whole internal rhyme scheme with longer words like that. It rarely ever flows right, it always ends up sounding like "eehhuahhehgippidITION", and honestly, it's not clever at all. And no, not not clever in the sense that it's been overdone to the ground, it's not clever in the sense that most of these long rhyming words are based on suffixes that give the word a noun derivative. For example, "-ition" is literally just the suffix that turns verbs and adjectives like "dispose" and "compose" into nouns. It's not clever.)

For re-spinning Grimm prints in her own children's edition

(I don't really have a problem with this, this is a worthwhile gripe that fits the battle well.)

'''I am Seuss! You are Goose! I will not offer a truce'''

(Those first two phrases sound a bit weird, don't they? I get what you're going for, and it's alright, but like, imagine me just shouting "I AM RAT," Mr. YOU ARE MUNKEE. The second half of the line is otherwise fairly bland and doesn't really expand on how being SEUSS is better than being GOOSE.)

No, I will use your refuse as an excuse to let loose

(This is part of why I don't like some of these hugely-emphasized internal rhymes, people will go on rhymezone and look at the definition of every damn word until they find one that vaguely represents what you're trying to convey without studying how often the word is used in that context. It's what made profound, prattle, and bout such popular words in rap battles despite none of them really working in the ways they've been presented. Refuse, as in trash, which I'm sure is the form of the word everyone in the world oh so commonly uses more than any other form of the word. It just doesn't fit in a rap battle. This line is just here to show off that you know how to find a few internal rhymes that don't all fit in rap battles, and holds no real meaning in context with the characters.)

You are a Puss in Boots, I am a beloved writer

(Does Mother Goose wear boots? I'm like, fairly certain the webbed feet thing would kinda hinder that a bit. Yeah, I know it's not literal, I'm just showing how little this lamedrop was thought out.)

'''Colors brighter! Mighty fighter! My sales are highly higher'''

(I love this. Fits the character's style greatly.)

'''Hit the mat, you old bat! You are old-hat and fat'''

(What does hit the mat mean? Leave? Enter? The Cat in the Hat's first entrance is described as "then we saw him step in on the mat!" so why would this Seuss-related use of mat not mean enter? Try not to use old bat when you got old hat right next to it.)

I am the Doctor, in fact, you are merely a quack

(I love this. Only thing I'd change is have "a" instead of "the." I feel like using "the" here has a Doctor Who connotation that has no place here.)

'''And that's that! A wrapped rap, it is your turn at bat'''

(This is really good.)

But unlike the Cat in the Hat, I will not come back

(...so he left? Buh-bye? How is his total exit from the battle relevant? Did Bill Nye say "stick to drinking that mercury and in the next verse Tyson will rap for me!" Did Santa Claus say "I'm a jolly bowl of jelly bringing holiday presents! You best prepare for when my elves back me next verse with a vengeance!" No, because the transition of characters is just simply understood. Sure there's sometimes lyrics clueing the audience in on what is happening ("Hulk Hogan goes down..." "What about a flute-busting Prussian?" "When he's needed!"), but in cases like this it's unnecessary and comes across as forced.)

Mother Goose:

Now children, how chilling, this liar is filling

(Nothing's happening except a blatant name-calling against Seuss without any basis. How is Seuss a liar? Even if you explain it, the lyrics don't so I'm sitting here confused.)

His whole verse with flow worse than Myers' top billing

(We're not really at the Cat in the Hat yet, this would work better if you had put this closer to then. Oh wait, you do. So let's not do it here.)

You make-believe healer, you paint me a stealer?

(How is he a healer? Context muddafucka.)

I run this zoo, circus too, you're in the real rhymer's theater!

(It's alright. Nothing bad.)

'''Ask any dude "Who's the Goose?" "Why, she's the spruced-up Zeus"'''

(What the fuck are you on? In what fucking way is Mother Goose a "spruced-up Zeus"? Are you just calling her the queen of the gods or some shit super generic? Is it because rhyme? I think it's because rhyme.)

'''You were removed for getting boozed! Boom! Origin of Seuss!'''

(Eh. Kinda forced pun there.)

Your rap is more crap than your attacks on the Japs

(Never heard the crap rap rhyme before. Otherwise sure yeah okay it's decent.)

And your "greatest creation"'s just a strapped-capped cat

(...as in his hat has...straps..on it..? I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure those are fucKING STRIPES. Those stripes aren't other pieces of fabric that secure the hat in place on the cat's head so they sure as hell ain't straps! Fuck the rhyme, get shit right.)

'''Oh the places you went! Time spent traveling the globe!'''

(Okay decent buildup to whatever is coming..)

Notice me, everpresent, you're irrelevant out of home!

(..and boom goes the dynamite. Really stellar couplet. Kudos.)

'''Quit, Teddy, you're shit! Shilling illustrated Flit!'''

(Words! Excitement! References!)

You're unfit to be pit against this lit wit being spit!

(HAHAHA YOU GET IT? BECAUSE "-it". Except "-it" isn't funny. It's just filler.)

The Cat in the Hat :

'''1 spit! 2 spat! The Cat in the Hat saw a spat!'''

(This is fun, and the uncommon definition of spat here feels to fit Seuss's style more than that refuse earlier.)

'''Now 3 spat, in fact! Bust a cap in the ass!'''

(This is really fun and adds a nice gangsta vibe to the character.)

Straight Outta Whoville to Who diss this blue bitch

(This line would've been less awkward-sounding if it was "came straight outta whoville..." Otherwise this is still really fun.)

Read bitch’s poor rhymes and in short time I go Grinch

(Still going pretty strong.)

'''You’re a hack, Aflac. Get your humpty-dump asscrack tossed!'''

(Where the hell was this earlier in the battle? Even if this is just the character you're doing why are you only just now making this shit fun af?)

For want of a writer, the battle was lost!

(I don't get the reference, but it seems like the generic "I just won the battle line." I'm not too big on lines like those. No substance.)

Hey diddle dipshit, I’m going green eggs and ham on this loon

(It's absolutely hilarious.)

With Horton here, Seuss Crew’ll boot you over the moon!

(I don't know how Horton the Elephant is involved here, I don't remember an elephant in the hey diddle diddle rhyme, but whatever, it's still pretty fun.)

Puss in Boots:

'''Haha! This candy cane kitty needs to look at his book'''

(Good buildup.)

If he wants his film good he should learn from a crook!

(Good punchline.)

A Myers is a Myers, no matter how green or furry

(So we're back to the Mike Myers thing, and this is the much more appropriate place to do it. It's pretty good.)

I’ll purr as I spurn this cur like Eddie Murphy!

(So again, with the uncommon words. This time we got "cur," which many people would need to look up, and then they realize it means mangy dog. As in you just called a cat a dog. I know that's the joke, so it's not really a profound rhyme, but the inclusion of that random unknown word really kills the fun that this line otherwise is. And either way it's like twelve degrees of stuff going on anyway. Shrek, voiced by Mike Myers, who played Cat in the Hat, tried to turn away Donkey, voiced by Eddie Murphy, who is a mangy animal though not necessarily a dog duh, and so in turn you call Cat in the Hat a mangy dog while he is a mangy cat. It's like Mat4yo vomited and claimed it to be a genius lyric. One thing I'd do to improve this lyric besides start from scratch though is make it "cur kitty like" so the distinction between cats and dogs is obvious and so it flows a bit better.)

Then after, I’ll splatter his master’s grey matter

(This line is okay but isn't really relevant to the characters. It's okay though. I wouldn't change it.)

'''The flatter the badder! Entrap this mad hatter (Ha!)'''

(The first half is okay still, just a little irrelevant. The second half is also okay save for the word entrap, which is irrelevant and isn't expanded upon like the battered Seuss brains. Even some random synonym for "kill" would be better than entrap.)

'''What’s the matter? Have you no words or an answer?'''

(Good buildup.)

'''Cat got your tongue? No! It’s just throat cancer!'''

(And..it turns out that right now he's talking to Seuss, who said he was leaving and wouldn't come back earlier in the battle. Despite that glaring plot hole, really stellar finisher. This was pretty great towards the end.)

Avatar XIII's Zack Snyder vs Michael Bay
If there's one thing I know, bad characters are sometimes the easiest and best-written. So let's see if the promised premise is precise.

Zack Snyder:

The film just started and my eyes are already rolling

(Pretty minimal. Not really bad just kinda boring.)

There’s nothing but cheesy action, hot chicks, and explosions

(Decent analysis of Bay's work, but how does this insinuate something bad? If you really wanted this to sink in, say something about how much it only appeals to thirteen-year-old boys or something. Rolling and explosions don't rhyme.)

No character, no plot, no meaning, no emotion

(I like this. Especially if he was shouting it. That'd be fun.)

You can’t handle the spotlight, but I was born for this moment!

("But" doesn't work here, because Snyder's status does not negate Bay's status. Other than that this seems okay. I'm not sure what it's referencing, and if it isn't referencing anything I'd give this a complete overhaul, because not being able to handle the spotlight and being born for this moment (what moment btw, rap battling Bay?) are a bit too disconnected.)

'''Negative criticism doesn’t bother you? Alright, if you say so'''

(Larger phrases like "negative criticism" should be avoided, they don't mesh well with rap. Try "bad reviews don't bother you?" It flows so much better and sounds more like something to come out of a rap.)

It takes a lot to ignore the stench of those rotten tomatoes

(This is where you should include a "but." The syntactical transition would work much better as something like "Alright, if you say so, but it takes a lot to ignore the stench of those rotten tomatoes." Otherwise really good.)

Sit down and let me show you how to make a real classic

(This doesn't really do anything. I'd completely scrap this line if I were you. It's essentially "Sit down son and let me give you a music lesson" but a bit more awkwardly-stated.)

I’ll school you like your guide to sexual harassment

(I don't personally understand the reference, but assuming it's relevant it's pretty good.)

Michael Bay:

'''I make movies for teenage boys. Oh dear, what a crime'''

(Eh. Not really bad, just not the direction most would expect here. If it were in an actual audio/visual production, I'd really hope I get a voice actor who can make this sound natural if I were you.)

Come talk to me after I’m done with Transformers Five

(This is good, but a bit too much "got no time to read reviews while I'm working on the sequel!")

Started off as a Bad Boy and Rocked my film debut

(Way too much "set up shop, got a few drops of that Got Milk? money, rose to The Rock, now I got them 'socks-made-of-silk' money.")

Your lousy originals got Sucker Punched by bad reviews!

("Lousy originals" is another unnatural-for-rap-battles long phrases like "negative criticism." And seeing that you used "bad reviews" here and couldn't do it back there, I'd suggest broadening the range of what you're talking about. Instead of always mentioning the bad reviews, explain what made each others' movies bad according to those reviews.)

I satisfy the audience with the visuals, I’m amazing!

("Satisfy audience with visuals" is another unnatural phrase. Reword it and it'd be perfect.)

'''You suck the color out of heroes. No wonder the fans keep complaining!'''

(This line is great.)

Man did they choose a dud as the director of the DCEU

(Decent buildup.)

How the hell do you make the big two worse than The Room?

(Comparing Batman v. Superman to The Room feels super arbitrary. There's no real connection to the two. It's just [insert cliché bad movie].)

Zack Snyder:

Oh please, I’m the very thing the DCEU needs

(Decent buildup.)

I brought to life the best Superman since Christopher Reeve

(The anastrophe of "brought to life the best Superman since" instead of "brought the best Superman to life since" is really awkward. Otherwise good boast.)

Even dawned a new era of the dead before AMC

(Comparing Dawn of the Dead to The Walking Dead is pretty arbitrary. Like "both are zombie media named _____ Dead" but it's pretty irrelevant to this battle.)

But at least you made a shitty account of the kamikaze (Oooh)

(What? Okay, first, the kamikaze was a great wind that prevented the Mongols from invading Japan centuries ago. The kamikaze attacks on Pearl Harbor is what you should be describing. Just fucking say Pearl Harbor. Second, let's try to do something different from "made a shitty account of", the way it's put here sounds super awkward. Third, this line has absolutely nothing to do with the previous line to call for "but at least" comparison. Replace "but at least" with "while.")

I got Gals celebrating the 75th anniversary

(So this is a reference to a Superman 75th anniversary short directed by Zack Snyder or something. Had to Google it. Try and give some context next time so I know what you're talking about. You didn't give a little bit of hint as to what it's the 75th anniversary of. And who are the Gals? Gal Gadot? Was she involved in that short in any way? Idk, but if not then shut up with this.)

All you have is an ugly Fox obsessed with plastic surgery

(These two are completely unrelated. It'd be great if you found a movie directed by Snyder released by 20th Century Fox or something like that and compared that to Megan Fox, but that's not what happened here. As a standalone line this one is decent.)

Shouldn’t have insulted Batfleck, cause now you can’t murder me (Ha!)

(He insulted your Superman at the exact same time, so I don't think this really holds ground. And the insult to Batfleck was really more just a general insult to the movie and not really a Batfleck insult. So...no to this line I guess? As a standalone line this one is decent.)

So Watch out cause this isn’t the last you Heard of me

(Only a few more lines left? But there's so many more movies to talk about! MUST LAMEDROP THEM ALL.)

'''Now I’ll slow this down. I know this speed is too much Four you'''

(Save me Superman-Jesus, there's no substance, not even coherency, just lamedrops.)

I’d share the wisdom of the Owls but good filming would bore you

(Because remember that Owls movie? Yeah that was a thing. It's not a matter of good filming being boring, it's a matter of lazy writing being boring.)

'''So run along Bayby. You’ve given cinema enough strife'''

(Ugh. I hate that. Strife. One of those cliché-to-this-community words you would hear fucking no actual rapper use in an actual rap. Don't rely so much on rhymezone. And if you use rhymezone, for the love of god please just fucking use advanced rhyme search instead of standard.)

Go Purge yourself from the film biz and vanish like the Last Knight

("Go (lol it's funny because movie title) yourself from the film biz and (obscure reference that is obscure by nature because you literally are talking about a movie that was so irrelevant that it supposedly vanished now don't you see something wrong with this reference?).")

Michael Bay:

'''You finished? I thought you’d go on until Tomorrow'''

(This all means nothing to me because I didn't enter this battle with the IMDb filmography pages for both of these characters open for me to switch between on each line.)

It must be hard to change up your style, believe me, I know

(This line doesn't really say anything. Like, sure Bay is close-minded, but this is a bit too blatant. I know doesn't really rhyme with tomorrow the way you want it to here. It's pretty stretch.)

Cause that fruity suicidal movie was straight up asinine

(It took me three minutes of thinking about this before I realized that this is talking about Suicide Squad. When you say fruity suicidal movie I'm sitting here thinking that Snyder made some weird teenage drama movie sometime in his past, but nope it's just a roundabout way to say Suicide Squad, except instead of going around the block to get next door, you went around the block and somehow ended up halfway across town. I guess asinine kinda works in a rap battle, not sure if it's best to preface it with "straight-up" though.)

Who the fuck steals screentime from the Clown Prince of Crime?

(Great idea for a line, unnecessarily worded. This really doesn't call for The Joker's nickname, just say The Joker or something.)

'''You do too many comic films man. That shit gets old'''

(Uhmm... Uhh..... Don't say dumb shit! We don't need a "Michael Bay doesn't understand his own source material" line. Just have him say normal rap battle shit. This shouldn't be "this person had better disses unfortunately they were all towards himself so he loses." That's dumb. Or...and please don't tell me this is true...you didn't realize that Transformers and TMNT were included in the comic book movies argument, in which case, your rhymes are profound.)

Shove some Soul into your work and make some Black Gold

(More capitalized words, that means it's lamedrops that I can skip.)

'''You had your time to shine. Now it’s the Rise of my Empire'''

(More filler mixed with lamedrops. Skip!)

'''Still think you’re better? Then let me give you a reminder'''

(No no no, it's "let me remind you." "Let me give you a reminder" is just stupid. Four-bar phrase ending with bad filler is no please.)

'''I’m rich bitch! (Yeah!) I don’t need permission to be reckless!'''

("I am Rich Bitch." Commas are important. Otherwise this is fine.)

I stack towers over Lex Luthor, and I know he’s jealous!

(Decent standalone lyric, but reckless and jealous don't rhyme in a way that would match Bay's vocal inflections in rapping.)

'''With all this mother fucking money! I’m the best thing you can get!'''

(The entire way Bay has been rapping has obviously been based on ERB's portrayal already, we don't need to shoehorn in a "motherfucking money" just because meme. Trust me, it may seem funny to include ERB references in your fanmade ERB, but it's just forced, contrived, and unoriginal.)

'''You’ll be stuck with your 8 kids while I’m having dinner on my jet! (Boom!)'''

(Those two things are completely unrelated unless you happen to be insinuating that his having so many children is what makes him not rich enough to have dinner on his own jet, but absolutely no context is given to insinuate that, so for all I know they really are 100% unrelated.)

CaveJohnson333's Bruce Banner vs the Narrator
You told me to do a Jack's Rap Battle. So here's Jack's Rap Battle. Shout out to big K and little k for being part of the writing in this battle.

Also, it seemed like this was one of at least two battles I read where the aim was to do the Hulk better than ERB did. I am not going to comment on that fact anymore than "it was not as good as ERB's Hulk" right now (which, of course, it isn't as good as ERB's Hulk), I do not have time for that. I will explain my fully fledged-out thoughts on Banner vs Jenner in another review. This is just how the lyrics work and don't work.

Bruce Banner:

Don’t need any Avengers to squash Sebastian the rebel.

(...but you are a fucking Avenger. Fucking what. And, now take this with a grain of salt because I haven't seen Fight Club in years, who is Sebastian? Is that one of the speculated names of the narrator?)

I’d call you crazy to face me, but you’ve always been mental

(This is a pretty good lyric.)

You don't need to worry about pissing me off, because frankly

(Good buildup)

after watching your plot hole ridden flick, I'm always angry!

(Annnnnnnnnnnd you blew your load. Four lines in and you already have a quote Banner says before transforming into the Hulk. Is he going to? No? So this is just for the reference? Then fuck off.)

'''The more borin’ Norton character! All your audiences snorin’'''

(Heyy, that's pretty good)

While I’m thwartin’ gods and more when I start transformin’

(Nice.)

'''Precise on the mic! An MC-U can’t compare to.'''

(XD this is so nice)

'''Ask my cousin or my wife. Battling’s a family heirloom.'''

(Uh no battling can't be an heirloom because an heirloom is a physical object, so get rid of them profound rhymes.)

A-Bomb on the mic, schooling this Abomination

(You were doing good, then the lamedrops came in. Notice how these lines don't add a single thing except "these are characters from my lore.")

'''Flow hard. You probably rap like a literal narration!'''

(Not sure what that Flow hard bit is. And the next part is an okay idea but fairly awkward in execution. Make a joke about narration being annoying in a movie despite trying to be a decent source of exposition and stuff. Maybe a "voices in my head" kind of thing.)

Yes, I may regret ever giving myself this retched curse

(Kinda weirdly worded but whatever it's okay.)

But when Bruce gets cranky, he really smashes the verse...

(Okay first, if you're going to try and keep us from thinking you're taking off of ERB for this by not ending with "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry," don't include the word that was rhymed with angry in that battle that isn't used in a lot of rap. Secondly, you have Banner so fucking off in the characterization. Okay, it's supposed to be the MCU version because Edward Norton connection, makes sense, I'm cool with that, but you're basing the entire personality of Banner off a quote from The Avengers that only ever so vaguely has the semblance of Banner being comfortable with the Hulk ("I'm always angry."), despite everything else around him in the MCU and every other form of media showing that Banner struggles with Hulk and doesn't fucking like him or boast him or anything, especially not at a degree you do here.)

The Narrator:

The story of how we met starts with this: Bruce had bitch tits.

(This really means nothing. It sounds random and a big diss but it's neither it's just a reference.)

He was a genius in physics, but always a pissed prick

(Are you insinuating that being a good physicist exempts one from being an angry fucktwat?)

But one faithful day, Banner got exposed to gamma rays

(Ew. Super awkward story lyrics in a rap battle.)

And he became an envious monster, an Avengers’ disgrace

(So he's...green with envy? Boom. Funnier lyric coming from your critic. And what is an "Avengers' disgrace"? Is that something people say? Because normally people would say "disgrace to the Avengers" or something, and not some fuckshit anastrophe.)

Beaten by your father, now I’m beating you years later

("Now" and "years later" is tautological in this context. And no this doesn't count as clever, it's just repetition of "beating" him.)

What good is it, fighting with a man who doesn’t fear danger?

(What are you going on about? Is this a direct quote from the movie or something? Is narrator the one who doesn't fear danger? Because that's more Tyler. Is Banner the one who doesn't fear danger? Because that's more Hulk. These are two separate characters right now. Multiple personalities. They don't have the same fucking characteristics.)

Yes, I’m messed up inside, got one hell of a severed mind:

(Fucking bonkers, you are. I think one of the most annoying bits of this battle is how much you feel necessary to allude to the characters being two alter egos of the same persons, and going on to essentially quote an edgy emo kid's Instagram bio is just taking the fucking piss.)

So setting aside this modern Jekyll and Hyde, so alike to mine?

(Alining grammar in such a disheveled way, but fights are golden green, am I not incorrect? I mean, you mention Jekyll and Hyde, I have no transmissional data here, but you mention Jekyll and Hyde. It's understand that you talk about Jekyll and Hyde because Hulk is near that and you're still pissy which he versed Jenner, but it not clever. And have fun figuring out what the fuck I just said, BECAUSE I HAD A HELL OF A TIME PIECING TOGETHER THAT BULLSHIT LINE YOU GAVE ME)

I got an army backing me, and while you may have a Hulk,

(Because The Avengers is the only Hulk media that exists.)

Most of what you do is picking fights with the Godly folk

(Hulk and folk don't rhyme unless you have some bullshit Huyiloslavilandish accent. Also can we try and work out the lyrics so we don't have things like "most of what you do is.." like does that really sound fucking genuine to you? And godly folk? Just your roundabout-ass way to allude to Thor and Loki because of those scenes in, let me fucking guess, The Fucking Avengers?)

Caught in that blast, you should have past - just like your wife.

(Not quite entirely sure what you are saying here but what I do know is you took apart contractions just so that you didn't have to find an actual logical progression of syllables to make this internal rhyme scheme not awkward and it works.)

Sorry, but… you fought me at a very strange time in my life.

(Because quotes. Can't get around without them. "Boo Bruce Banner vs Bruce Jenner sucked now let's do all the stuff they did in that battle plus a bunch of bad shit and act like we're much fekking better.")

The Hulk:

'''Aaargh! Dumb verse make Hulk break out!'''

(It's times like this I wonder to myself...is green skin worse than acne? Because when you say break out in terms of a human body that's the first damned thing to pop to mind! Any real gripe you have on the character you're opposing in what should be a relatively short amount of raps coming from this character? Perhaps something about how the new getup the character does isn't accomplishing getting them into a higher social status and rather is just a publicity stunt? I figured you could work with that since, you know, you take all the rest of this from ERB. Oh, but of course, continue with your vastly superior Hulk vs other character sequence.)

Your raps worse than dual personality fakeout!

(Come the fuck on. Remember that chisel of Banner vs Jenner that Mat4yo did that sucked balls? It's because of this: fucking big words and shit. You don't say "dual personality fakeout" no one says "dual personality fakeout" and the Hulk would absolutely not say "dual personality fakeout.")

Hulk SMASH this puny and scrawny Pitt-stain!

("She eighteen? Hulk smash!" That makes me go "ohhhhh!!!" "Hulk smash this punt and scrawny Pitt-stain!" That makes me go "meh.")

Hulk break your body and your puny split brain!

(Puny puny puny. Did I mention puny? BECAUSE GODDAMN PUNY. Ten bucks says the "puny" is a reference to that scene in The Fuckyous where Hulk pounds Loki to a pulp because that's the only movie that exists.)

Tyler Durden:

Now… unlike you, Jack and I don’t hide the fact we’re the same person.

(Don't say that. Don't say Jack. The charm of the narrator is that he has no official name he's referred to don't ruin that too please damn it. "We don't hide the fact we're the same person" yeah you know except with yourself you fucking)

But I can get it, especially coming from this Frankenstein and brain surgeon.

(I can get it? Like..you understand? Because I fucking don't. And haha Frankenstein was a brain surgeon durrrr...which I guess is kinda what you're saying? Can we stop with these roundabout "you're nothing but this" disses? Like, "predator after some chemotherapy" was fucking brutal. This is just fucking there. Even jolly green is a much more fun thing to say than Frankenstein and brain surgeon.)

'''You’re so loud, Jesus Christ, man! You didn’t even follow the first rule!'''

("One separate topic, blah blah blah blah, completely different topic." And I get it, first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club, aren't references fucking hilarious, but where did he actually break the first rule? Just battling him in general? Making any reference to the movie? Context is important.)

'''And I get why you like Thor’s hammer, man. You wanna be such a huge tool.'''

(Just say that he is a huge tool, skip the "want to be" in that. Otherwise like damn this coulda been funny.)

The Hulk:

You no best Hulk with your pretty boy looks!

(Yeah. Pretty boy looks don't give you class. Not sorry.)

'''Fight Club known round world? Nobody knows your book!'''

(This...just isn't how the Hulk would say it.)

Hulk’s fights make your club look like baby playpen!

(Hulk skips a lot more words than you think he would. It'd be more like "Hulk fight make club look like playpen" or something.)

Let’s see your little explosions against REAL Mayhem!

(Yawn.)

Tyler Durden:

You’ll surely be splitting, when you lose to this schizo

(Because yeah people who have schizophrenia are the ones boasting it mhm yeah sure fuck off.)

Bitch Bixby’s better half is just a painted, douchey Lou Ferrigno

(Whatever.)

Trade in that muscle for body fat, you’ll be searchin’ for a burnin’

(What does that mean; how is that relevant?)

Put a gun to the back of your head - live your life for Tyler Durden.

(Fucking hell. There's like nothing happening man.)

The Hulk:

'''Raugh! Hulk bigger! Hulk green and Hulk mean!'''

(Yeah sure okay. Slightly better now.)

'''You girly! You got Starbucks in every scene!'''

(Sure yeah fine.)

'''You more annoying than Ross! Your film dragged on the longest!'''

(Who's Ross? Been a while since I've seen Fight Club, is he from that movie? Is he a character from Marvel? Does it matter? Apparently not because he goes on to talk about how fucking long the movie is immediately after.)

'''But Hulk is incredible! HULK IS THE STRONGEST!'''

(Whatever.)

Tyler Durden:

Alright big guy, let’s see who takes it in a flurry of fists

(You're fighting the goddamn Hulk. There's a reason Caitlyn Jenner kept it up to just talking about how Banner doesn't properly accept the Hulk, because if she actually fought Hulk she would be crushed to fuck. And so would Brad Pitt. Sorry ladies.)

You see I’m cool, calculated - you’re just ‘roided out and always pissed

(Sure this is okay wait no did you really just take another line from Banner vs Jenner ("always pissed") goddammit man you're not going to convince us that this is better than Banner vs Jenner if you just take everything from that battle.)

So dissing a dope like me means you’re going down a slippery slope

(Why would Tyler call himself a dope he is facing the embodiment of a fucking dope. I am losing it here man.)

So with that as your trope, I’d advise you not to drop the soap.

(Because ope rhymes need to perfectly have the p sound at the end to perfectly rhyme and when things always perfectly rhyme then it sounds more natural right? No actually the exact opposite so you know cut it oUT WITH THE PERSISTENT USE OF PERFECT RHYMES.)

==Shovel Night's SpongeBob SquarePants vs Ash Ketchum==

This one hits close to home since it's the premiere of a series that I summed up into one battle and it is one of the main conflicts of said battle. So this is thing.

Ash:

From Kanto to Johto to Hoenn

(Oh woah woah what is what. This has like...zero understanding of meter.)

Crushed syndicates when I’m just ten!

(Wow yeah zero meter. Ten doesn't rhyme with Hoenn since Hoenn's stressed syllable is only the first syllable not the last syllable which is the one you're rhyming with ten.)

Then Sinnoh, Unova and Kalos

(Wait so Kalos is pronounced ka-läs? Not ka-ləs? I mean if you want it to rhyme with loss it'd need to be that way, but is it? Idfk.)

I’m an elite boss who won’t take a loss

(And is allergic to moss! And won the shotput toss! Buffy was created by some guy named Joss! Lagwagon's third album was Hoss! I'm a great rapper!)

I’m Legendary on the mic with electric flow

(I presume this is the part of the video where it looks like the opening titles of the Pokémon cartoon like ERB's since there's absolutely nothing happening in the lyrics except generic Pokémon terms.)

Super effective against water type’s s*** Nick show

(Did you just censor the GODDAMN IT YOU JUST WENT DOWN THE SAME ROAD AS THOSE IDIOTS THAT MADE THAT MARIO VS ASH KETCHUM AND SCOUT VS NESS AND TOAD VS STEVE AND GOKU VS LINK.)

'''Let’s Go! No need for my team to fight since'''

(Okay let's see where you're going)

Your victory will be like your boating license (Snap!) 

(And it turns out it has nothing to do with the aforementioned team okay fuck. And, okay yes it's obvious, but how is his victory like his boating license? I know it's obvious, yes, I know, but this feels unfinished nonetheless what with the lack of context given.)

'''Cause double trouble with bubbles? I’ll make you blast off'''

(What double trouble? What does that mean? And yeah more generic Pokémon jokes.)

'''Attack your fan base or should I say “Lack of”? '''

(Of does not rhyme with off.)

I’m the very best like no one ever was and I’ll catch em’ all

(More generic Pokémon jokes.)

So like the girls in my series, suck my master balls

(...you do realize that the joke here, the one you're referencing, the one from like 2011 that hasn't been popular ever since, is that Ash doesn't fradoodle with the girls in his series, right? You know that? This isn't a matter of "well technically he doesn't do that" this is a matter of you have gotten the generic Pokémon joke backwards. And then another generic Pokémon joke.) Spongebob:

'''Good morning Krusty Krew! Let’s grill up some disses!'''

(Does Spongebob normally say this? I think I remember him say "Krusty Krew" like once. And "rapping haha see I'm rapping by creating disses hahahaha")

I’ll beat you so bad, you’ll be sleeping with the fishes!

(Sure.)

So I’M READY to make One Coarse Meal of a thrashing

(...did you just lamedrop a random-ass fucking episode title of Spongebob? What the fuck)

You’re like your game’s graphics, 2D and crappy

(Thrashing and crappy...actually work alright with the right cadence. So kudos. But like...Spongebob is also prominently 2D... I don't know, there just wasn't much figured out here.)

You beat up people’s pets and expect them to reward you

(Great summation of the Pokémon fighting cartel, not going to hit Ash that hard.)

But when people beat you, you blame Pikachu

(Decent line.)

You’ve met so many girls, yet for some reason

(Wait are you about to give the correct version of that joke from earlier?)

You can’t even keep one for a single season

(...kinda I guess? Sure yeah okay.)

Not to mention my creator is into Marine Biology

(Yeah that's pretty cool but are you going to expand on that in the next line)

Your show’s so complex you needed all of Tokyo TV

(Nope guess not. Also how does having a complex show (of which is Pokémon really complex?) warrant the use of...what, an entire tv channel? Is that what that is?)

If you wanna be the best then stop being a b**tard

(It's all filler except...censored profanity again? So why? Why include the profanity if you're just going to censor it? Plenty of rappers get along just fine without using profanity and thus don't have to censor themselves.)

Maybe then you can be called a pokemon master

(Because random Pokémon joke or something I guess.) Ash:

You should’ve packed burn heals and super potions

(Because generic Pokémon stuff. I don't know, Pokémon GO to the polls I guess?)

I’m on top and you’re boasting from the bottom of the ocean

(You don't have to say you're on top when the other guy is on the bottom ugh okay whatever. Sure. I actually like the flow in "boasting from the bottom of the ocean.")

Spitting disses so vicious, no competition in riches 

(I don't like this however. Much more jarring. Much more filler.)

You’re in the kitchen feeding fishes as one of Mr. Krab’s b*tches

(More censored profanity I guess. Decent idea.)

Attempt to catch up with Ketchum or else you’ll be square

(Don't say attempt. Also take out the "else" because flow. Otherwise great stuff.)

I’m making friends throughout my journey while you’re hated there

(I guess this is where that "don't need my team" line came back? Or something?)

You’re getting fainted in this battle worse than Squidward’s suicide

(NOOOO. FUCKING NO. GODDAMMIT YOU ACTUALLY JUST OH MY GOD NO. Stop referencing creepypastas in non-creepypasta battles!)

'''Here’s a participation badge... At least you tried!'''

(God. I'm still recovering from the anger of the last line so I guess it's nice that there's a buffer, but don't put the buffer as the last fucking line of the verse geez.) Spongebob:

You gave numerous kids seizures and call yourself “entertainment”

(Ugh. Might as well be a darned creepypasta reference. Blech.)

I won’t lose against a kid who supports animal enslavement

(You already did the "you beat up pets" thing, find something else.)

Why don’t you go back home and play with your little Diglett

(Because Pokémon jokes.)

Your rhymes were bad because… (YOU FORGOT THE DISSES!)

(Yeah okay this is fucking grand.) '''All of your voice actors are women? No wonder you’re so feminine!'''

(Sure. Okay.)

Ill leave you in a coma if you try to beat this specimen

(Okay yeah now this definitely was a fucking creepypasta reference so you know FUCK OFF WITH THIS. Also, "this specimen"? Stephen Hillenburg may be a scientist, but Spongebob damn sure ain't, so don't make him say scientist shit.)

This was a sweet sweet victory and one you won’t forget

(Because generic Spongebob jokes)

Your show is at Rock Bottom while mine is better than chocolate

(Because generic Spongebob jokes)

ERBWarrior's Henry Ford vs Elon Musk
"Will you review one of my battles?" ...Fuck yeah.

Okay, you're like, still really early on, and this will probably sound bitter. Because it is bitter. Sorry for being such a dick about this, just learn and improve. I have high hopes for you.

Ford:

'''Another challenger? Ha, who's this bitch?'''

(Ooh boy. Okay first, what do you mean by another challenger? Has Ford rap battled before? Is this referring to the auto competition Ford faced back then? Also, why the confusion as to who he's facing? That's irrelevant, we don't need that, I don't care if he's diminishing his fame or something, it's still not relevant. And why "this bitch"? You couldn't avoid the filler profanity?)

Who won is a more rhetorial question than which witch is which!

(What the actual fuck. He's...breaking the concept of these rap battles...by skipping to the consideration of "who won?" by the announcer for the audience...and calling it rhetorical because...he's sure to win...neither have really started rapping yet...and you likened the rhetorical question of "who won?" to "which witch is which?", which I am honestly baffled by how you thought that was relevant and belonged here in any way other than a super weird and uncalled for filler...thing..)

I was one of the Big Three, you're stuck on raw Asphalt!

(Is asphalt a proper noun? Do you just capitalize everything that's a reference whether or not it's a proper noun? Is Asphalt a company owned by either one of these guys? Because I'm sure as shit not going to go try and figure that out myself. Also, these two phrases are completely unrelated. Nothing in common. It's just "this thing that thing.")

I'm bringing your SpaceX little fucking "rocket" to a halt!

(These profanities really don't add anything. It just seems weird. I wouldn't expect Henry Ford to be so profane (but I guess if he historically is then I'll eat those words), and these just feel filler. And why the mocking of the word "rocket"? How can that be misconstrued as anything else? He's not actually a child playing with toys, you know.)

You're unknown to most, I made a country-wide trend,

(He's mainstream enough for some extremely prominent Simpsons and South Park cameos and, just, generally is a really popular person. Basically the embodiment of "celebrity engineer." This just feels so baseless.)

While you sir, are stuck with imaginary friends!

(I don't know, is he actually? Because if so, neat, but if not, the fuck are you on?)

I mean, your Tesla shit, was ripoff bullshit to the end!

(What fucking ripoff are you just claiming ownership of all fucking cars in general? Are you fucking dumb? This whole "ripoff" diss has gone too far. What is he a ripoff of, and if it is actually supposed to be a ripoff of Ford, you are hereby not allowed to ever use the word "ripoff" again.)

Like X.com, I'll destroy you, then press send!

(I'll be honest, I was scared to visit this website. A website...named X...and you expect me to not think you're giving me a virus-filled porn link? I tried the site. It doesn't load. Guess that makes sense since you said it was destroyed, but my curiosity was peaked. "How does this website have anything to do with these guys?" So I googled it. Turns out X.com was never technically destroyed, just merged with a different company and rebranded as PayPal. So...no. It wasn't "destroyed and pressed send" or whatever. Not even sure what the hell the "then press send" thing is, but whatever.)

Musk:

Look, this mini midget trying to stand up to me,

("Mini midget" is tautological as hell. Everything else, pure unadulterated filler.)

The king of the electronic age vs a wannabe Barbie?

(Why the fuck where the fuck what the fuck is the Barbie thing? No seriously fucking what? Is that a reference to..Barbie driving her car? Is it because Barbie's rich? What in all hell is this? I'm also disallowing you from ever using the word "wannabe.")

You may have pleased Wilson, but not Mr. Musk!

(I don't know, probably a reference to a specific moment, don't know if it's actually relevant but whatever there it is.)

Really, your own company threw you under the bus!

(Fuck it, maybe they did. As if I get the fucking reference.)

You were on a five mile speed record, I set 155!

(Sure. Whatever. Probably happened. Not going to look into it.)

I was God's accountant before you were alive!

(What the hell are you actually on. Like no this makes no sense where is this even coming from omg.)

Ford:

'''Can I just say something? Um, damn!'''

(..................................................................................................what................................)

I was a true innovator, you were compared with Iron Man!

(And that's bad because....he's a fictional character...? Because how about fuck off..?)

Musk:

This is like Qantas vs Tesla, the Tesla always wins!

(What no okay you know what yeah sure whatever)

Meanwhile, you were living the seven fucking sins!

(As in...he's the human embodiment of them all? I understand the greed, maybe...maybe the pride....maaaaybe the envy.... But how much sex did he have? How angry was he? How lazy was this guy? And for christ's sakes how much did skinny-ass Henry Ford eat to be considered gluttonous? Is this just...a thing to say? Because goddamn all these rhymes are profound.)

Ford:

You look tired, oh, that's because your first invention was lazy!

(I'm just lost. How does lazily making something make you tired ugh fuck it)

Who the fuck are you, even my memory's hazy!

(Old grampa here muddafucka can't remember anything can't even remember that HE ALREADY DID THE "YOU'RE UNKNOWN" LINE. Oh and did somebody say filler?)

You need to fucking relax, it's fucking life shattering,

(FUCKETY FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FILLER FUCK. Why does he need to relax if he's being lazy also FUCK FUCK FUCK.)

When you try to rebel, now that shit's unraveling!

(FUCK FUCK SHITTY TITBALLS. Also what does this mean. Does Musk really try to rebel? Is "try to rebel" even an acceptable thing to say in the fucking English language? Is the idea that he needs to relax after "trying to rebel" really unraveling and life-shattering? Because those seem filler. Also FUCK.)

Musk:

Now, I'm sure we cn get to Mars in 40 fucking years,

(Seriously this is like the most hilarious filler profanity ever. Like, this is where he is giving a much more calm and professional statement, but the motherfucker pretty much has Tourette's. Imagine a yoga instructor "Alright..we are now going to do downward FUCKING dog..." Fucking jarring.)

But dude, to start a trend, at least grow a beard!!

(What why but you don't have a beard why does wait what does this have to do with getting to mars what the fuck is this what the fuck.)

This is your fall from the automobile creators' throne,

("This here is the end for you. I totally won. I'm so cool and you're so drool. Motherfucker.")

I declare this battle officialy Tesla owned!

(Fuck it.)

==Hippie Rat vs MetalFire==

Thirty three to three. That would be fucking brutal if, I wasn't an arrogant sunuvabitch that will reject the idea of him winning. Ten bucks says someone's gonna call me out for just making this entire wiki-wide review to explain why I should've won this battle. Now here's why I should've won this battle, with some special guest reviews!

That's right, in order to keep out the bias of only having the other side be reviewed, I employed Luggion and Awwyeah to each give a lyric-by-lyric review of my lyrics in this battle and explain how my lyrics do or don't work.

Iamthelegion, under new account now, never bothered reading or voting when the battle came out, and went in with just the knowledge I lost the vote. To assist him with the battle not immediately being in context, I gave him a rap meanings on my verses. He thought it was funny to call them rat meanings. So in case that confuses anyone, don't remain confused. Special thanks to Leeg for this review.

And Dragonsblood23 gave a minimalistic comment explaining his vote for Metal because of my questionable rhymes in the original blog, so I brought him here for an expansion on those ideas. Special thanks to Dragon for this review.

Hippie Rat:

I'm Fredericks the Great, underrated commenter,

(Aight, I see how this is going. A callout to ERB and a reference to his surname, and I'm sure that this commenter line will either work into a reference to one of his more prominent comments or perhaps given his clever rapping style, "Commenter" leading into wordplay of "Come enter". I am sufficiently hyped.)

(Don’t get the Fredericks part but so far this intro seems fine.)

Writer hiding in the shadows of the most popular,

(Oh wait no never mind the premise was tossed away and instead he just disses himself. GG no re. Also this doesn't rhyme unless your accent is Tommy Wiseau's.... HIPPIE IS TOMMY WISEAU EVERYTHING NOW MAKES SENSE SHE WANTS BOOTS)

(he hides in the shadows because he’s Bat-Hippie, jk in all seriousness, this line is a nice setup)

Wiki haters with a handle in the chat logs,

(This line isn't clear on what it means even with your rat meanings because it is not in any form of English word use and grammar combination that would make sense. The only chat logs we have are the ban logs soooo. Also, was Metal one of these Wiki haters or is this just more irrelevant stuff to the battle at hand? Seriously this has been so heavily disregarding his opponent Dan Bull could've drafted it on the shitter.)

(This is nice, nothing to say on that)

That's longer in wait than my SSB rap got.

(Oh look another reference to himself. Yes, but IIRC you were releasing battles regularly in the lead-up anyways, and there was literally fucking no-one waiting for it.)

(Not too big on self dissing but that’s just me.)

So I ain't got the hot vote on this faux chico,

(Metal is Cuban. He is legitimate Latino. People calling him Mexican is as part of a joke that all Latinos are Mexican. He is actually a chico. And no, you very clearly didn't have the hot vote, but like nothing you said has justified why you should and neither has this. Flow is decent but eh.)

(This seems like an alright line)

Swirl flow with the Tampanian Devil on this 'Merican chode!

(Swirl flow has some iffy as fuck justification to pretend it's not filler but nah dude it's filler. Metal is legitimately less American than you due to not being born there but okay. I don't think people from Tampa are called Tampanian. Also, line that has like a third of a thing to do with the other character good on ya. Hippie says he's saying he's the Tampanian Devil but that's not what a sensible construction of this line would constitute. Also, making this and the prior line rhyme is impossible without fucking the prior line's flow up.)

(Great Wordplay here, I like it!)

So keep it stuck at home if you know what you're good for,

(Homestuck joke I guess....................... does Jose even like Homestuck anymore? Also, primarily filler line.)

(Homestuck Reference? If so, this seems to be nice.)

'Fore I rust a bunch of combusted Tetris Block number four!

(I do believe this shortening, when it is the start of a sentence, is *'Afore, but I digress. Rust how? Give him a swirly? Also, iron oxide and said ferrous material being ignited doesn't normally happen, scientifically speaking. The Tetris block four bit is clever but ultimately falls flat IMO due to it not being sufficiently cased in clever lyricism for it to stand out. It's like the clever line was half-written.)

(Not so much full knowledge on Metal but this seems like a reference that works out well.)

MetalFire:

Out of us two Florida rappers, you’re the Mini-Me

(All possible words that could be crammed in here were, giving a very robotic feel to the cadence of the lyrics, which most likely isn't good unless you're literally made out of metal. He calls me Mini-Me because I used to have a profile pic of Dr. Evil, and that's literally it.)

But I don’t spend my days harassing every AWC

(Neither do I. Also, "except" works better here because this is supposed to show only one limitation to your claim without entirely disproving it.)

I love ironic humor, especially in your name, Hippie

(How is it ironic? Are you confusing the definition of contradiction with irony? And if my name is an example of ironic humor, then it just is, it's not "especially" this. My name isn't the most ironic thing ever.)

Cause you envy and hate rappers with a diss-ability

(Because I do that? Does hippie culture prominently have people not envying each other? I can kinda see the hate part but that envy just seems stuffed in for the sake of cramming lyrics.)

Yo, I’m another 2014 user you’re having beef with

(Nothing against Joe, that one thing was just blown out of proportion for this battle. Also, quite the weird choice of how to compare yourself to Joe. Only way you could figure out how to compare yourself to Joe was the year you created your account. I'd say that whoever you're rapping against wouldn't be affected by this line at all, but I was that person, so I can confirm that this did absolutely nothing.)

With metal and fire raps, I’m a dope lyrical Blacksmith

(Oh yeah because rust and combust him isn't a good way to incorporate your name it's gotta somehow twist into a blacksmith or something. Dope doesn't really have a place here. Literally the only positive thing to say about this line is that this is the only time I've seen "lyrical" used in a way that actually works with the lyrics, but then again, if it's metal and fire raps being made by you, the blacksmith, then you would be the blacksmith of lyrics, or a "lyric blacksmith" not a "lyrical blacksmith." So yeah, only chance to correctly use "lyrical" and it's still fucked up.)

I spent 8 bars trapping this rat with my poisonous flow

(You've spent 6 bars, 7 if you include this one, doing that, not yet 8. Also "RAPPING. ITS FUNNY BECAUSE I AM RAPPING." Seriously we don't need a commentary on where you are in your verse. And how many different things do you have to compare your rapping to? Metal raps. Fire raps. Poisonous flow. Is it because rapping is funny?)

You spent your shit bars over glorifying your ego

(No I didn't. Literally the main gripe with my lyrics is that I spent the first four bars talking about how I've not gotten a huge foothold in the social aspects of this wiki before this battle and now here I am, if anything I was downplaying myself, not praising myself for most of my lyrics. Also, I can be egotistical, I can be over-glorifying myself, but I cannot over-glorify my own ego. That is, of course, unless I said something along the lines of "wow my ego is so fantastic and admirable," and, because duh, I've never done that.)

Hippie Rat:

You know, for a pacifist hick with a little bit of ese,

(I didn't realize Cuban was hick. You find Floridians in Jacksonville, I guess. Also not wanting to go to fisticuffs and use intelligence to sort things out is apparently a bad thing in a battle where instead of fisticuffs you use intelligence to sort things out.)

(Alright, we got some buildup…..)

It was pretty easy to get ya testy with words - essay!

(That's how rap battles work. Essay line was funny but would've been funnier if it had been a better conclusion. This concept of a line was used substantially better by Brandon with his "What's up, Google Docs?".)

(.....and it pays back well)

Ya say "Hippie ki-yay, the Rizzat can't beat me,"

(TBH I'm not sure if he actually did or didn't say that, but if he did, that was a nice line, and it is not worked back or damaged at all by this. If he didn't, what the actual fuck is the point of this line. This shows what kind of intro Hippie has written and can actually write. Shows me the introductory line should have been "Hippie ki-yay, the Rizzat's up to bat!" and that would've been like five billion times better.)

((Hippie ki-yay motherfucker - Bruce Willis (Die Hard), This works fine))

Gone 'round the point like you skirt the term "weeb", weeb.

(ha u say ur not smth but i say u r so rekt. Fuck no. Also apparently Hippie's rap meaning for this line includes: "completely missed the point that battle raps should really be digging in on people's personality, actions, and lyrics, rather than being nothing but "I'm so cool, you're so bad." But apparently to Hippie it's just self-deprecation on a massive scale, a little bitching, and like, nothing at all that he said rap battles should include, or even "I'm so cool, you're so bad." lines. Also this line's construction doesn't make sense. Rap battle lines should make sense even if you have to read the rap meanings to make sense of them. This is possibly one of the worst user battle verses I've seen from a decent rapper. There was almost no Jose in it, and that wasn't very metal. He had a line which originates from a piece of material that they share but he basically abandons that joke to half justify filler which only exists to force a third of a rhyme scheme into a line, and that's one of literally three half-decent or better lines in all of his lyrics. There are only three lines that both make sense and actually do a clever brag, or any kind of substantial diss. This was incredibly weak. I'm glad I was too blocked to care enough to read this.)

(This seems like a fine finisher for this verse, overall, this verse seems fine/)

MetalFire:

C’mon dude, I heard better weeb jokes from Flare Blitz

(Here's one of the biggest problems I have about this: when I first started talking to Metal about getting this battle set up, he told me that people don't normally send each other their lyrics until it's time to set up the blog. I was confused because I figured that retaliation lines should be open for use and you can't do that without knowing the lyrics in the first place, but I chose not to complain. So he never sent me his lyrics, and I sent him mine because he was making the blog. He then read my lyrics and created retaliation lines for specific things I said in my verses without my knowledge. He also was able to take lyrics I sent and disprove them (my second verse was under the blind assumption his first verse wouldn't have substance). So, on the topic of the integrity of how this battle was written on your side, Metal, you need to learn good sportsmanship, because you essentially set it up so you were battling a deaf man. I was deaf. Way to fuck over a rapper with a diss-ability, buddy.)

Trying to be a tryhard Mat4yo with your “tips and tricks”

(Oh please, wait until you get to my fucking reviews m8. Okay yeah, comparing me to Mat4yo is easy pickin's, sure yeah. I will mention that the use of "trying" and "tryhard" within four words is super awkward, not to mention the use of "trying to do this thing" in rap battles is weak. Like, "don't try to rap" levels of weak.)

No one has the time to read your bible length salt threads

(Sure okay. Hippie writes long comments. Okay. Kinda skimmed that already with the harassing AWCs line but okay.)

But this battle involving you will be the only one ever read

(Yeah, I know, my battles aren't popular, I already said it myself with essentially the entirety of my first four lines. You would know that, because, you know, you read my lyrics when you said that people usually don't. Yeah sure, killer ending line. Maybe next time make sure someone doesn't use the line as a concession before you use it.)

GravityMan's Baldur vs Achilles
I just reviewed your battles so hard your eyeball just popped out. And it's gross.

Baldur:

I had a dream I would die in battle but not from the likes of this

(This is good. Add a comma and it's beautiful.)

Crossdresser scared of war and the vagina of his married bitch!

(Add an "A" before crossdresser. Don't split sentence fragments between lines. Make the last line its own thing and this line its own thing.)

I got some advice kid, but it might be too sharp to handle, 

(This is alright, but the phrase is usually "too hot to handle" or "too hard to handle." Not saying "too sharp to handle" couldn't ever be used, but it is a bit jarring if it isn't at least alliterate.)

'''If your weakness is your ankle, don’t fucking wear sandals! '''

(Lol yeah)

So you better tend to your tendon before Baldur leaves you tender

(Yes)

'''Til Valhalla! And the All-Father, I was born to be a winner! '''

(Yes)

You’re gonna falter against Baldur the biggest baller of the conquerors

(I'm usually not all that for excessive internal rhyme that isn't simple (like a one-syllable rhyme throughout a line) and takes over the line as one of showcasing the rhyme rather than substance, but you have substance and the cadence of the rhymes here are all potentially right on the four counts of the beat, so it works.)

Better holler when I spit a million pyres of your slaughtered soldiers!

(I'm iffy about this line though. When you do the first count of the next line in the same four-counted rhyme from the previous, you'd expect the rhyme from the other three counts, but it disappears for counts two and three, then comes back for the fourth count, and when it does come back it's a bit of a stretch (though that could be fixed by an accent) and comes back to back with another word of the same rhyme scheme. It feels like the lyricism of this line in relation to the previous just wasn't thought out enough.)

Here to bring the light of pure to blind the wrestler who takes it farther,

("I/am/the/per/son/who/will/de/feat/this/oth/er/per/son/who/has/done/this/thing." Seriously though, "who takes it farther"? Farther than what? Farther than wrestling? That's some bad rap anastrophe there.)

'''Who never lived to see the fall of Troy, but outlasted his bastard lover! '''

(And you included another "who did this thing" right after the other! Otherwise it's okay)

The Greeks would’ve never made the Horse if you had still been alive, 

(...so is that a good thing or a bad thing? I mean, the Trojan Horse was a pretty cool thing, so maybe it's honorable that Achilles died. Not to mention they wouldn't have needed it had Achilles still been alive since he was so cool. If this weren't just a simple fact-state, this would almost be appraisal toward Achilles.)

'''You’re just another wasted pawn of a fat cuckold’s pride! '''

(Too many different name-callings and metaphors and stuff for me to really care for what's being said tbh)

Achilles:

'''Ho men! We hit the shore, drag in your oars and grab your swords '''

(Imagine this as an audio production. Yes, there is a noticeable hint of William Wallace in here, but just imagine Achilles chanting this to his men. Fucking awesome.)

Sandals to the sand, band together and shred the Norse incestual hordes!

(Fucking awesome.)

But first let me greet the man, like my mic, is only known for being slayed 

(The mic part kinda crowds this line. And you'll definitely want to take it out so you can see how this line has zero grammar. "Let me greet the man is only known for being slayed." Like um no. Also, it's "slain." "Slayed" isn't the past-tense of "slay," it's "slain.")

'''We’ll shake hands, treat him like I would a real god and spit in his face! '''

(I hope there's something actually involving Achilles here with the spit-in-a-god's face and it's not just a roundabout reference to Zeus vs Thor. If there is, then decent line.)

I’m ruthless against a brutish sucker with an overprotective mother 

(This is okay, just change "with an" to "and his" or something. These extensionary descriptions are just feeling a bit awkward.)

Who sold her body to every being to insure her little baby never suffered 

(There's another "person who did this". And, like, yeah, that sounds like a damn nice mother. What? You shoulda insulted his mother. And if that was supposed to be an insult... it don't feel like it.)

I spit sharper than that fatal dart thrown by your neglected brother 

(This is where you're throwing too much into your line. We get both a fatal dart and a neglected brother and it just feels crammed. My suggestion here is to mention these at least in separate lines if not just generally separate. Otherwise it's alright.)

'''You’re the only coarse Norse who couldn’t cut the Avengers! '''

(Sure yeah this is pretty good)

You died before the great war began, how sad is that, by gods 

(Too many separate phrases. "What the bloody hell was that? That was dreadful! My god!")

I’m the coldest rep of the homosexuals, so you can call me Bi-Frost 

(Sure yeah but what does that have to do with the last line? These all feel like separate ideas that you puzzle-pieced together with random rhymes.)

'''You’re not a fighter just a stuffed dummy that your brothers practice with! '''

(Pretty good.)

Shame you’re afraid of mistletoe, it’s your only chance of getting kissed…

(It doesn't quite feel like a great ending line, mostly because the last line didn't contribute to the same main idea that this line falls under.)

Baldur:

'''Ha! You know nothing about the gods, I bask with every creature of my liking, '''

(Those two are unrelated.)

My crew will set up camp in your lands and father ten thousand more Vikings!

(Pretty good.)

Achilles:

Styx and stones can’t break my bones so your words have no effect on me

(That isn't really correlated with the logical progression of the original phrase. For one, replacing "could never hurt" with "have no effect on" is just a bit too excessively worded. Also this time he can't be physically hurt but still can't get emotionally hurt?)

Helen's cursed heart will stop; when I break this Cupid's wings!

(That's incorrect use of a semicolon there; semicolons are for separation of two separate but related phrases, or for listing of elements that include commas within them. The effect-cause sentence here is only one phrase and didn't call for a semicolon. But whatever, in terms of a lyric this is good.)

Baldur:

For one who wants to be a proper lady you sure followed the sailors 

(As a proper lady should. AYOHHHH! No but seriously this is alright.)

The god of acceptance has moved past you, I forgive you for your failures

(These two are unrelated.)

Your son’s like Menelaus, both grabbed babies and attacked Troy 

(Two different reasons listed, kinda ruins the flow of the joke but sure.)

Your name is a disgrace, it’s just a synonym for weak point!

(Again, not related to the last line and just feels like a bunch of stuff being said.)

Achilles:

People have fear of what I bring, you're a bigger drag than Hector,

(These two phrases are unrelated, and bananas are yellow.)

My victories remain immortal because my veins bleed nectar!

(Not entirely sure what it would even mean to have an immortal victory, or how a literal cause (bleeding nectar (it's literal in mythology)) can lead to a metaphorical effect but sure okay.)

I fathered a line of conquerors and smashed the seed of the Romans

(Good line, but "seed" might be a bit excessive, "protection" is enough buildup to the Trojans joke.)

You have no protection against this pounding; I've destroyed all the Trojans

(And stellar finisher.)

GIR 5 life's Ben Drowned vs Jason Voorhees
When I told you to prepare your buttocks, it's the left buttock. That's the one you should specifically be preparing.

Jason Voorhees

'''I live. And I'm about to show this fairy who's boss. '''

("I live" yeah as if most people rapping at a given moment don't. That part doesn't really do much to connect to the rest of the line, but it is good to start off a battle with a simple exclamation on occasion. "Showing someone who's boss" is a pretty cliché line, and shoving "fairy" in doesn't do much else but remind me how often I've seen Link derogatorily referred to as a fairy.)

'''It's Jason Motherfucking Voorhees against an elf who needs floss! '''

(Okay, I get throwing in a "motherfucking" middle name as its own bit. It'd work a lot better if it was its own line (think "'Cause I'm Ash! And that's A to the shush!") and not the actual comparison of the characters. Listing a generality of the character ("an elf") without any other insinuation is cliché and lazy. It would work better if you went somewhere with the idea that he's an elf, like send him to the North Pole to work with Santa. "____ who _____" is such an awkward way to describe someone in a rap.)

'''So listen Scrub! Or I'll smash your Duku Nuts to confetti. '''

(Now just scrub? Like a generic insult that goes to everyone? You reference Deku Nuts right after, so why not call "this Deku shrub a scrub" or something? And why confetti? Because it's just a filler rhyme? Make this mean more)

'''Your Master weapon is a flute? Let's see you handle my machete! '''

(I mean...isn't his master weapon...the master sword? As in...a fucking sword? Ain't trying to start a dick-measuring contest or anything, but is a broadsword not stronger than a machete? And why tease the idea of the Master Sword then undermine it with his flute? We are all thinking he has a giant weapon that could kick a machete's ass now, why are you assuming we don't think he could handle the machete? Why even say "master"? It doesn't fit in the sentence. And the way you say that he can't handle it is in a way that no one says it, and if you really think about what he's saying, he never denies his handling of the machete.)

'''Want me to crack this Ring kids skull? Ha! Talk about an easy task. '''

(Want me to talk about how this line does nothing but lamedrop a random thing as a vague insult in the middle of an empty threat and follow it up with a filler phrase? Ha! Talk about an easy task.)

'''Tik, Tok! Run back to Clock Town bitch! Or else you'll need Majoras Mask! '''

("Go to [this location from your medium] because 'bitch' and if not then I'll [empty threat] you in such a way that you would find the use of [this object from your medium] necessary.")

'''I'm a teenage mass murderer. Offing this kid won't be hard. '''

(Jesus Christ is Jason Voorhees supposed to be a teenager in the events of the Friday the 13th movies? He died when he was, what, ten? Then when he became a murderous zombie he was like, a bodybuilder adult. Unless you're saying he kills teenagers, in which case, you wouldn't say that by describing his occupation of "mass murderer" as "teenage." And even if it technically works grammatically, it still raises the confusion in the viewer. Avoid lyrics that confuse the viewer. Even if they technically work, just completely change the way you're saying this if the first way of thinking about what this means is not anywhere close to what you're saying. Also, "doing something of lesser challenge than my usual doings won't be difficult" cliché.)

'''Run back to Jeff and Slender Man and stay the fuck off my yard! '''

(This would hit better if there was a comparison between creepypastas and slashers rather than just saying "these are some other creepypastas". Not sure where you get "stay the fuck off my yard." If it's a direct reference try not to just lamedrop it, if it's not a reference to either side than what the fuck is it doing here besides filling rhyme with something completely irrelevant?)

BEN

'''You shouldn't have done that Jason. This isn't Kruger that you're facing. '''

(Cut down on all the perfect syllables. Don't stuff syllables like "that" to make the syllables technically work, it just makes it sound robotic. Lamedropped catchphrase and overused "Jason/facing" rhyme scheme. Also, "something something you're facing" cliché.)

'''This is your Final Days Dawn, 24 hours remaining! '''

(Basically just more lamedropping.)

'''My rhymes will crush you like the moon. Then make this zombie goalie burst to flames! '''

("My rhymes will physically affect you" cliché, cousin of the "verbally/lyrically" cliché. Also "fire raps" cliché. "This [generalization of appearance and/or occupation]..." cliché. Also lamedrops.)

'''Pammy needs to catch up, warping circles around her! Kid, I'm a-head in this rap game! '''

(Things! Stuff! Rapping! Like geez imagine trying to actually say this stuff. It's a double-time rap, so it's gotta be much faster, but the stuff being said is way too much of a mouthful to do so. And no, Pamela would be "a head" in this rap game, because just lamedropping the character and lamedropping the character's fate is not the same as actually dissing someone based on a character and their fate.)

'''Cause I'm Clever, Bot you? God damn, what an ingrate! '''

(I'll be honest, I feel bad for Cleverbot and its creators for forever being known to edgy teens as the computer program that's haunted by BEN, which, you know, is duh obvious because it's programmed to learn how to engage in normal conversation by what the people who speak to it say, it would've learned and unintentionally played along with literally any creepypasta that people exposed it to, and now it's doomed to be in every BEN DROWNED rap battle and doomed to have BEN DROWNED mentioned in any battle it's in. Anyway, this is extremely forced. Calling himself clever doesn't tie into anything except the forced pun and the "bot" is grammatically incorrect save for it being the indicator of the forced pun. Everything else? God damn, what a filler!)

'''You're just the poor mans hobo version of Leatherface. '''

(Quit with the tautological phrases; "poor-man's" is "hobo version" duh. And let's be honest, this line was just written to lamedrop any other slasher. Fill in the blank with any other slasher, it technically works. But do you know who it works best with? Michael Myers. Because Halloween helped instigate the surge in slasher movies that inspired the Friday the 13th franchise. Didn't think about that? Of course not.)

'''No debate! This big mistake should go and drown in his lake! '''

(I'll give the pass on "no debate", as I'm actually fond of rhyme-continuing interjections like that. I will mention that continuing the rhyme with "big mistake" is excessive. Lyrical quality is not measured by how many rhymes you can fit in a line, it's measured by how well you can balance substance and lyrical aesthetics to help build comedic performances that entertains the audience more than the other character's lyrics.)

'''And reunite with his Mommy. Call you the cheap knock- off of Norman Bates! '''

(You practically already called him cheap, that's just a crowding syllable. And since we're getting rid of that let's make it "a knock-off" instead of "the". The line progression that leads into "call you a" doesn't entirely work logically, it'd be better as "man, you're a" instead. And just to make delivery that much better, let's get rid of "his". "And reunite with Mommy. Man, you're a knock-off of Norman Bates!" It's still not perfect, a bit on the nose, but small changes like that can make or break a line.)

'''Yes, we may Kill and Repeat but you're the one I Hate! '''

(Don't know why those words are capitalized, maybe a lamedrop that I don't feel like researching. How does this sentence work? "Yes we both do this thing but you're the person I don't care much for"? Those are two completely unrelated things. It makes zero sense.)

'''Stuck in GTA5? What a terrible fate. '''

(Let's just dissect what this line really means. In what way can you construe Jason's appearance in GTA V as a terrible fate? Is it because you didn't happen to enjoy the game? Is it because he went from the movies to a small cameo in a video game? Because altogether what his appearance in GTA V is is a signification of the respect for the character and franchise the producers of the game had and a way to spread Jason's influence to new audiences. If you wanted us to understand this as a bad thing, then give us context as to why it's a bad thing. And don't just say the thing. Fucking "haha you've met with a terrible fate it's funny because it's a reference and everyone knows that references don't have to be reworked into new original ideas they just have to be said and it's automatically funny".)

Jason Voorhees

'''That's an awful lot of bull shit coming from the spoopy internet ghost! '''

(Woah woah woah the spoopy internet ghost? Kind of a high place of honor considering the competition. You even mentioned some of the competition earlier, making it normally be "a spoopy internet ghost" or "some spoopy internet ghost" but no it's the sole title-holder. And oh shit did somebody say filler)

'''You know THE TRUTH, why even try? Everyone knows you're just a stupid hoax! '''

(I assume THE TRUTH is just another reference, but it's worked in a bit better than others so okay. A lot of this is filler.)

'''This matchups a fucking joke! I'll leave your head Termina-lly bleeding. '''

(These two are completely unrelated. Also because pun)

'''Crawl back to deviantart, punk! Then watch your fame start receding. '''

(Oh boy more mentions of people getting all the fame oooooooh yeahhh that's the gooooood stuff. Fuck. Also I love to imagine Jason talking about deviantart. I say this because he never would and this is extremely contrived.)

'''Just call me Jason X, bitch! My rapping's out of this world, man. '''

(The whole "bitch" thing is more Krueger's thing. Also because reference. And holy shit I know you didn't just do the "thing that rhymes with yes; thing that doesn't, yes!" shit.)

'''You're calling me a girl, Navi? Well look who's talking, genderbent Pan! '''

(When did Navi call him a girl what the fuck what did I miss. And what is genderbent? Is this just a contrived way of doing a "Link is Zelda" joke? Fucking make sense. Why would Jason say genderbent. What the fuck are you on)

'''It's your Final Chapter! I'm causing Rapture! Bringing massive fractures to .wmvs! '''

(RHYMES! BECAUSE IM RAPPING! Also mentioning the ".__" at the end of files because it's a creepypasta battle and saying that stuff doesn't sound fucking stupid in a rap nope nope nope)

'''I lyrically burned Kruger and Williams to Ash! I'll take the win like a New York city! '''

(And just to take it one step further, we get a goddamn "lyrically". And more "fire raps". And more references to other horror movies. And two different sentences that have no reason to be right next to each other in a line. And a "take the win.")

'''This is your Final Friday Benjamin. You best pray to find a life boat. '''

(Whatever. It's boring.)

'''You're getting Drowned by my sick flow. Now let's all watch this statue try to float! '''

("Sick flow" because this is making me sick. "Try to..." because you hate me and you hate the idea of making something entertaining.)

BEN

'''Putting this demonic, electronic entity verses a guy who can't talk? '''

("Versus" is not interchangeable with "against" here in a way that doesn't sound awkward. Also, and holy shit please stop with this, "[generalities of something good about the rapper] vs [generalities of something bad about the opponent]." It's so boring and it goes nowhere and it is not a valid comparison.)

'''Face it Jason! You're not that scary! You're just a stupid emo jock! '''

(I can see stupid jock. I can even kinda see stupid emo, but that's a bit more of a stretch. But emo jock? Extremely weird choice of insult. I honestly would want to know what that looks like because I know damn well Jason wouldn't fit the damn bill. Just because a character is from something horror doesn't mean they're emo or something. If anything he's more goth. Think about it, "goth jock". It even sounds better. Also "just" cramming the syllables.)

'''Beat a kid in his mid teens? (Pfft!) I've BEN there and done that! '''

(Oh so he is supposed to be a teenager? I mean, you're probably right, but that's such an off way to demean Jason. I mean, can't you say something about his style of killing being bad? No? You're just going to say "you're young so you're bad," which in itself is a cliché line that is rarely used in a decent structure, including now? Well shit man.)

'''But never have I dealt out blows to Mr. Slasher/Rebecca Black! '''

("Mister slasher slash Rebecca black" where the fuck? Because of Friday? Jesus Christ where do you get off referencing Rebecca Black in a battle between BEN DROWNED and Jason Voorhees. Oh my god.)

'''Your flow is worse than your video game. Leave you trampled, call this Black Friday! '''

(What the what is what part of the what why what no but wait what what are you supposed to be focused on here. It's just "this thing that thing another thing blah blah things". Something about his video game, which I don't think holds any real ground here, every fucking character in existence has a bad video game. TMNT, Superman, Ghostbusters, we don't need this reference. And geez it's just all Friday references huh. I don't think there's been a real Jason reference yet but plenty of references to the day Friday don't worry omg)

'''Engage me in melee? It's your unlucky day. '''

(Yeah sure because Friday the 13th I don't care about Friday anymore, no matter how much filler shit you paste in front of it.)

'''Cause your raps stink more than Sleepaway! '''

(Core of all comedy: "you/your raps/your work/ is/are worse than _______" What no it's not overused at alllll )

'''So now I'll end this rap brawl. I've kicked Jay's rear to Hell and back. '''

(Dude called him Jay what no wait what A VARIATION OF THE OTHER PERSON'S NAME IS NOT A FUCKING INSULT. And "haha I ended the rap battle" cliché.)

'''No movies since that awful reboot? HA! I'm glad that they did that....'''

(We know you're diminishing the reboot without the word awful so stop having it cram syllables. Otherwise this line is just some weak sauce, especially since you act like you've been dissing Jason this whole time but I barely feel like he's even been acknowledged.)

TKandMit's Neo vs Luke Skywalker
Who's ready for a question or two?

Neo:

It’s time to stop reclining on your island, face the rhymes that I’m designing 

("It's time to stahp." As in its time to stop substituting substance for internal rhymes. Like, it's okay to have both. Look at "I'm the bon vivant of violence, a licensed psychiatrist, who dines on highest society to the sound of violins!" It employs beautiful internal rhymes all to explain exactly what aspects of the character are worth boasting. These are robotically- if not mis-placed internal rhymes that ultimately do nothing but say, and I'm going to get real tired of ever having to say this, but "stop doing this thing you do oh also HAHA IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE WE ARE RAPPING.")

'''Who needs lasers? A couple command prompts on the Death Star and I’m in, '''

(Granted that's more Independence Day. These ideas are just kinda there. Like, the Death Star is never defeated through hacking. There just feels to be no reason for this except an "I'm in" joke. Question count: 1.)

'''Fixating on my target, let’s see, what’s happening on Tattooine? '''

(A target so like you are using lasers and shit what? And um...why no "staying on target" joke? I know ERB did it already, but fuck it, you might as well when the alternative is "fixating"... Question count: 2.)

I’ll blast your ass and light up your planet with a can of gasoline 

(Blast your ass is nothing here. It's just there being cliché. Why gasoline? Why include the gasoline? Is it to prove you're not using lasers? Is it because gasoline killed Luke's...pet dog..? Is it because...oh I don't know...it was a silly filler rhyme?!)

'''Do you really need billions of dollars and films to tell such a simple story? '''

(I thought the billions of dollars goes into the films? Are you asking why he would need to be given so much money to continue telling the story? This is stupid. Where's the sense? I'll be fair and not add to the question count until the question actually ends.)

'''When you spent your entire OT like one long episode of Maury? '''

(Yeah okay sure whatever I mean Austin Powers already did essentially that joke but whatever. Question count: 3.)

The “Chosen One” from your movies, but you’re missing in most of them, 

(No Anakin is the chosen one from his movies. Why are you saying he's missing in most of them, he's in like, four out of seven? (Okay, quick edit, I totally forgot Rogue One was a thing. Was Luke in that at all? Whatever, half isn't most.) I just don't understand what this is supposed to mean.)

'''Who’s stealing the Sky’s thunder? Leave you like your home; I’m roasting ‘em '''

(What. So wait who was stealing the sky's thunder? What? What? What? Wait what? Why do you jump straight into a burnt home thing? This makes no real sense. Question count: 4.)

'''The son became a farmer while the daughter became a princess? '''

(Okay fine you're doing better. Question count: 5.)

Life screwed you over, buddy, and I’m not talking about the incest 

(...ew? Like, is that what incest is? Being screwed by life? Is Leia life? What the fuck is. Also boom there's your incest joke. I'd suggest you not do a second one because that'd get old.)

There’s no Resistance; I’ll be thrashing you worse than your lightsaber can 

(What. This isn't clever it's just "reference; I'm better than your reference")

Proceed with gunning down your Uncle Ben like the beginning of Spider-Man

("Proceed with" is gross. Stop overcomplicating your speech.)

A long time ago, this star started shit with his father’s cosmic apartheid 

(Stuff references okay vaguely-Hitler-vs-Vader-3 reference whatever)

Look on the bright side, at least you never went to the dark side 

(Eh. Cute but doesn't flow entirely.)

Try to have a go at me and I’ll drop you in the pit below me 

("Trying to do thing" is ew. Otherwise, it's an alright line I guess)

'''You got good bars? What do you say, Morpheus? Show me. '''

(Is "show me" actually that famous of a Matrix quote? Is this worth ending the verse on? Question count: 7.)

Luke Skywalker:

Quit those lines you’re manufacturing, with that group of Lost Boys you’re gathering 

(Ah oh oh oh no oh god oh please why this. 1)Neo already said "the rhymes I'm designing," so stop with the weird ways to say they're creating lyrics. 2)RAPPING HAHA ITS FUNNY BECAUSE RAP BATTLE. 3)Oh my god this rhyme scheme is not natural. Like these big words all being shoved in for the point of rhyme doesn't flow well at all.)

I don’t have to answer to no one; I’m certainly not pandering to Mr. Anderson 

(No substance this is just for the silly rhymes that at this point don't even seem to really rhyme.)

'''Let me get this straight: you’re a hopped-up hacker turned hero? '''

(...yeah kinda. Not an insult in the slightest. He's a hero. Fucking awesome. Now insult him. Question count: 8.)

'''Using computers to do your dirty work? What, you wanna go with ones and zeros? '''

(Why does this hold any ground? What does "going with ones and zeros" mean besides the reference to binary? And I swear to god if you come to me with an overly-complicated explanation that no one could naturally gather from the lyrics I am dismissing this line as worse than I thought it originally was. And Neo like...fights computers? You know what fuck it. Question count: 10.)

'''Who you trying to mess with, dude? You couldn’t bend a spoon! '''

("Come on dude. Who you trying to fool. What no this is totally not filler. This is a lot of substance. You can tell because mess is another word for a dining room and Janna from Star Wars is really fat so he obviously goes to the mess a lot." Because fuck. Also what the why the what. That is the most mundane. Have you actually seen Matrix? Do you understand the actual ramifications of the spoon in the Matrix? Or is all you got from that scene was "haha he can't bend spoon"? Question count: 11.)

'''While I can use the force and send your trench coat ass directly to the moon! '''

(What the no stop there's too much. "I can use the force" holy shit no way I would've never guessed stOP STATING THE OBVIOUS. Throwaway "trench coat" line. Can't reference that again if you thought it wasn't worth more than "your trench coat ass". Why directly to the moon? Is it because space? Fuck you.)

'''Your arsenal’s full of artificial firearms and kung fu galore? '''

(All firearms are artificial what. "Kung fu galore"? Why is this a thing? Like, I can see "blood and gore lore galore" but galore here is just random and filler rhymey. Question count: 12.)

(Heh.) Trust me, man, this isn’t the fight you’re looking for 

(Ugh. Just. I am so fucking drained by this whole thing. How am I just getting started with this battle. You can't just take any random quote and replace a word or two and build every damn couplet off of it.)

'''Your most memorable scene is playing limbo under bullets? '''

(Ugh. Like, this doesn't diminish the scene in any way, it just makes it seem like you don't understand object permanence or the relative size and shape of different objects. Question count: 13.)

Your whole life was a lie, while I live mine to the fullest 

(Just because everything one knows about life is a lie does not mean they wouldn't live it to the fullest. These don't add up.)

Put you in the hot seat as I go kapow with the Wachowskis 

(These just aren't connected at all from what I can tell. Also "do this thing as I do this other thing" cliché.)

'''Reborn in that goo with a shaved head, calling yourself Neo Nazi. '''

(He never called himself a Nazi. Don't know how being in goo relates to being a Neo Nazi. Otherwise it's okay, just make it better with "skinhead" instead of "shaved head" since that more the term used for that insult.)

'''You take the red pill, the battle’s over; the blue pill, you get a hard dick. '''

(Fucking what. Okay so like, does the battle not end if he takes the viagra? Why viagra anyway? And if he takes the red pill the battle's over? In the Matrix the red pill was the instigator pill. The battle began with him taking the red pill. The blue pill was the one where he denies the request and his battle's over. Again, did you even consider what was going on in this scene? Also like, again, how do these two relate? These are independent events, not "one can happen but not the other.")

Bust a move and I’ll light the fuse on this baby-faced John Wick 

(I like this line.)

You should know that you’re not untraceable just by going incognito, 

(Too many syllables, otherwise alright.)

'''With moves like that, you think you have a chance? Wake up, Neo. '''

(Another "moves" line just two after the last one? "You really think you can win?" filler cliché. Question count: 14.)

Neo:

What if I told you: being overrated doesn’t make you unstoppable 

(Yeah because those aren't related. Question count: 15.)

You’ve already lost; stop whining like, “No, that’s impossible!”

(Take out "stop whining like" and it would be a really fun line.)

You say my life was a lie, but you’re only known for learning the truth 

(...okay? Like good he learned the truth. I don't..underst- OH. ITS BECAUSE HIS LIFE WAS ALSO A LIE. Yeah no thats not a good way to have that presented to us. Decent concession-refutation idea though.)

You could never outlast Anakin; he was even better than you in his youth 

(This is alright with the right delivery.)

So start snuggling up for warmth in the corpse of that Tauntaun 

(This is really over-explanatory. "The. Corpse. Of. That. Taun. Taun." Can't we get rid of a few syllables? I definitely would want to get rid of "that". Using "that" to delicately cite a super specific reference sounds awkward af.)

‘Cause your family’s evil and all of your friends are long gone 

(Okay)

And take that midget on your back and make a break for an escape shuttle 

(This is just a simple reference-filled "gtfo" line.)

'''Disappointing… my opponent and his sister make such a cute couple. '''

(Not really disappointing as much as it is a word that takes up three fewer syllables, like gross. Speaking of gross this is the second incest joke. Come up with new material.)

Luke Skywalker:

And with this rebuttal, it’s the Return of the Jedi

(I am only allowing use of the word rebuttal because it continues the rhyme from the previous lyrics. Fair warning to anyone else, don't use weird synonyms for response unless it follows a rhyme, see this or "Allow Thor to retort.")

'''Me? The Sky’s flying high with Sci-Fi. You’re more like Humans Need Not Apply. '''

(Whatever. References. Lyrics that aren't connected to the previous. Fuck it. Question count: 16.)

'''A midget on my back? How about your Sam Jackson knock-off, Thomas? '''

(Not all of your concession-refutations need to perfectly quote the line from the other guy's verse. And yeah but how does calling Morpheus a knock-off Sam L. Jackson qualify the fact that Yoda was called a midget on Luke's back? These insults don't connect. Neo only mentioned Yoda, he didn't make any connection to him being Luke's mentor and Morpheus being Neo's mentor. Question count: 18.)

'''My dad would’ve slashed his ass and send him back to the Apocalypse! '''

(Because references I guess. "Slash your ass" cliché.)

'''Religious symbolism? Are you really in that much need of a God? '''

(Meh. Question count: 20.)

'''I lost my arm for this war; you fight by sleeping on the job! '''

(Okay; what? Did you see like...the first five minutes of Matrix and nothing else? What even? This isn't a relevant moment)

You got dropped when you couldn’t make anymore good movies 

(Thank you for the overly-detailed explanation of the fate of the Matrix movies.)

'''While I’m on the top, the only thing you inspire’s school shootings! '''

(How does being on top relate to inspiring things? And there's the second trench coat joke oh wow because he wears trench coats haha but wait did you know he wears trench coats)

Neo:

You see rows of code, but I see this ending bad for you 

(Luke sees..rows of code? Wouldn't Neo be you know what never mind. There's so many leaps in logic in this battle.)

Though, I gotta Han it to you, it won’t be as bad as putting up with your nephew 

(That's not how you pronounce Han. I don't care if it's a pun of any sort it's a very lazy pun. You can't just throw in a word to a filler phrase and say it's a good pun, even if you connect it to another reference.)

'''Oh wait, you never did. You went missing and everything went to shit, '''

(Yes thank you again for overexplaining things okay we understand mhm maybe get to the jokes.)

'''Now it’s up to The Last Jedi and I’m putting an end to this. '''

(What the fuck. It's like you were continuing to build up the joke with the first half and you ran out of lyrics so you just threw in a random "I just defeated you" bit, and now it's just a "haha the sequel Star Wars trilogy is a thing now" line wtf)

Luke Skywalker:

'''Would you stop bugging out like that thing planted in your chest? '''

(Why even word this as a question? It sounds so fucking awkward. Also "doing this thing like this thing from your reference." Is the bug even a relevant thing to diss him about? It was put in him and like immediately removed with no real payoff. Why include this information? Question count: 21. Literally twenty one questions in this battle. Like, I understand once or twice a battle, and usually with different styles of asking these questions, but this is honestly ridiculous.)

'''I’ll take a page from Vader; thwart my enemy and kill the rest. '''

(Because references.)

I’m a Jedi Master; split the Sith and put an end to the radical 

(Okay.)

So take your ass kicking and dive back down that rabbit hole.

("I just kicked your ass" cliché. And finally an Alice in Wonderland reference because that was the most important symbolic story element in Matrix and called for the final diss (which is really just "get out of here," not even a diss), and not like, the Bible or something. I know you already slipped that "religious symbolism" bit in earlier, but if you just delete that part and make one last actual diss that diminishes Neo's overuse of Jesus comparisons, it would be much better.)

==The Flatwoods Monster's Sy vs Frank West==

Neo said he wanted a battle he guested in if the battle I reviewed had guests of its own. Flats plays more than one character in this. Evens out.

Frank West:

Well, if it ain't another psychopath, acting all insane and shit

("Acting/behaving like this" cliché. I mean, isn't that like...what psychopaths do? I know not really but in terms of like, colloquialisms it is. So the last part is completely redundant. Also, can't help but sense backwash of Jerry Springer vs Maury Povich here ("You're trying to act all serious by talking about gangs and shit," vs "acting all insane and shit.").)

I take pics of fake pricks who don't know how to spit sick

(Okay but like weren't you talking about Sy just a moment ago? What does him being insane and shit have to do with you taking pictures of him? Also, the cadence of these words would not put the internal rhymes on beat.)

'''And Chop workaholics till they Drop, get the picture? Eh, probably not'''

(Three different clauses in one line is cluttered. "Chop and Drop" sounds like it's probably the lamedrop of a very, very specific thing, like a certain mission name in the game. If it is, never ever do anything like that. Keep your lamedrops at least to a level of easy name-recognition, should you find it ever so necessary to lamedrop at all. Don't reference, say, the title of an episode of a tv show. I'm not sure if that's something along the lines of what's happening, but still just know that. Anyway, I actually like the "get the picture? Eh, probably not" bit.)

(So I did end up looking it up and found out that Chop Till You Drop is one of the games in Dead Rising, so it's a passable reference, but try not to rely so hardly on lamedrops.)

Working in a discount Walmart for 11 years, your IQ obviously ain’t hot

(How can an IQ be hot? Why say all these words anyway? "Your IQ obviously ain't hot" is like the walk around the block to get next door but you accidentally walk in the wrong damn house.)

Chuck this fuck who’s Greene with envy, leave him Off the Record

(Hoping "off the record" isn't the name of a mission or something and it's actually just a connection to West's journalistic background, and if it isn't a lamedropped mission name, that is actually a really good bit. Problem is it doesn't connect with the previous bit at all. The Chuck Greene lamedrop is boring and contrived. "Person who is like this" cliché.)

(Looked it up, Off the Record is the name of one of the games and you didn't actually make any connection to journalism it's just a lamedrop.)

A walking punch-line, you’re a zombie, brainlessly working forever

(Not that there's anything bad with this, it's just boring. A much better idea is to put him up single-file with the rest of the zombies and go through killing them, making an actual walking punch line as your punchline.)

And to be Frank, your picture’s plot makes me Sy, just a lonely little guy

(Haha he's being Frank because he's Frank. The fuck you mean Voltaire already did that? Replace "just a" with "this" and this line would be much better, oh also get a little more original. It's cute you made a pun on both their names in the same line, but stop being cute and just make something good.)

Needs to Seymour people, but just looking at snapshots makes him cry

(Holy shit how many names are you going to make puns about? You do realize there's more to this stuff than lamedrops right? "But just" doesn't really...sound good at all in this sentence. Maybe taking out the "just" will help? I don't know. Maybe make it "but even peeking at snapshots makes him cry"? Sounds a bit better like that I guess.)

Going into Overtime, you’re facing a modern Dawn of the Dead

(Okay yeah lamedrops okay. Aren't all zombie media today "modern Dawn of the Dead"s?)

With eyes causing bloodshed, you must be literally fucked in the head

(His eyes...cause bloodshed? Am I reading that correctly? Whatever. I don't know if his eyes actually do cause bloodshed, I'll have you take it upon yourself to figure out if his eyes are really the cause of bloodshed. If not, then get outta here with that. And why literally? Is he being fucked in the eye sockets and that's what's causing the bleeding? Idk. If it is then his eyes aren't causing bloodshed.)

So you can take your shitty pics and shove them up Uranus Zone

(The fuck is an anus zone? I know you were making a lamedrop pun, but when you do that you can't just say the other syllables and act like they'd make sense in the context)

Cause I know my way around a battle, I've covered wars, you know

(This doesn't line up correctly with whatever was built up in the previous line, but is a perfect finisher to this verse, and, something I don't get the chance to say enough, great integration of a character's most popular catchphrase.)

Sy:

'''Are you a family man, Frank? Wouldn’t drive a kid to tears?'''

(Okay, where is this going? Where is there a kid Frank has to deal with? Or is this just some kind of direct quote that doesn't fit in this context?)

No, you’d rather risk your life if it means Rising your Dead career

(Apparently so because this line has nothing to do with the previous line with the kid and stuff. Like, he'd rather risk his life to revive his career than make a child cry? He'd rather do something good for himself than do something evil?... No shit Sherlock?)

'''All I do is take pictures. I’d rather be watching T.V. instead,'''

(Why? Is that something he says in the movie? Is that actually a thing? I don't get it. What's the point? What does this have to do with anything in this battle?)

'''But call me freaky in the head? Now you’ve got me seeing red!'''

(It's a pretty good line. Personally, and this is just me, I think the delivery would be slightly better if it were "But call me freaky in the head and you've got me seeing red!")

Check your timer for how long ‘till the big guns arrive: One Hour!

(Now here is where you could use a question-answer thing and it would flow better. Take out "check your timer for" and make the rest of the sentence a question and its answer and it would just sound that much better. Otherwise, this line...isn't much I guess. Like "oh shit I'm going to win at this point." It's like the forty second thing in Death Note rap battles.)

Even your former design’s a better sight for sore eyes than Watch Tower!

(I'm not sure how this pieces together, I could just not know the reference and it actually makes sense, but these two things sound different enough to not be able to compare - a character design and "Watch Tower" don't sound comparable really.)

We’ve got one thing in common; Both cut with unnecessary copies to blame,

("I am now going to descriptively explain the connection; [descriptive explanation of the connection]." Too many jarring syllables in succession. And so wait seriously what does this mean? As in parts of both media were cut because of copies that were made? They both cut things because of unnecessary copies? They're both cut as in possessing chiseled features? Context.)

But beyond being an empty Dempsey, you’re not even your company’s Resident zombie game!

(How does being a bland version of a character from an outside company's zombie game contribute to being one's company's main zombie game?)

'''This is where your Fortune’s End! You’ll Parrish once I’m through this verse,'''

(See now this is where you could've gotten creative and tied this Robin Williams character named Parrish to the one from Jumanji but nope just lamedrops. What is Fortune's End? Okay actually you know what I looked it up and it's the name of a series of events in a game where you don't even play as Frank West. Let's keep it less vague.)

Your bogus act is out of focus in every alternate universe!

(This line is pretty good.)

'''Match wits to Capcom’s last pick? There’s no denying Sy’s the wiser man'''

(Pretty good.)

I’m a rap Galactus you can’t scrap with, but you can’t even do whatever a spider can!

(Why so excessive with the Marvel vs Capcom references? Just say something about how much he sucks in that game or something, don't make a roundabout Spider-Man reference. This is like trying too hard to put layers on your lyrics when it's really just a lamedrop from a completely different thing.)

Frank West:

If that ain’t damned to see, thinkin you could stand to me

("Something something you can't step to me" cliché.)

Caught by Van Der Zee, evidences shows signs of insanity

(Alright. Evidences should be evidence but alright.)

Clouded by vanity, victim of porn by your daddy, oh the humanity!

(This is okay but I'd switch "victim of porn" to something else. Maybe something a little less on the nose?)

And your chances of winning are about as real as your family!

("Your chances of winning are as _____ as your [reference]" cliché.)

Sy:

I haven’t fucked up in eleven years, and it’ll stay that way ‘till I retire,

(Or until you get fired. Because you get fired in the movie. For fucking up. Granted, this is a mistake they make in the actual movie, check the IMDb page, but still don't just lamedrop stuff.)

'''So come get the scoop on the truth; you’re a mass-produced fluke! You’re fired!'''

(The scoop is the journalistic term for figuring out everything, and in journalism you find and report specifically the truth, so "the truth" here is redundant. "You're fired" is a completely random non-sequitur that had no reason to be here.)

The flaws in challenging the best are more stupidly numerous than your side-quests;

(This is what happens when you take a bunch of portions of lyrics that flow greatly and put them all together and make them flow not as greatly.)

Give the charts a check; In rap, P’Sy is always out-performing West.

(Nice one.)

Frank West:

I’m sick of your Drama, stick to robbin’ snapshots for your conspiracy wall

(Why is Drama capitalized now what else could you possibly be lamedropping? And is Sy's drama not what you just told him to do?)

Obsessin’ over customers was your fall, don’t appreciate pervs in my mall

("Something something was your fall" cliché. The rest is good.)

When it comes to crushing stumbling scum, it ain’t no secret I’m the best

(Okay.)

'''So remember the name of the champ who beat you, it’s Frank. Frank West'''

(I know that's how he introduces himself for the first time in the game, but is that a relevant enough thing to end on?)

Sy:

'''Robbin’? That’s the main difference between you and me, son,'''

(This is alright save for the blatant "thing that rhymes with yes; thing that doesn't, yes!")

One of us is played by a Williams, the other wants to be one!

(I spent literally five minutes sitting here wondering what a Frank Williams is and how it's relevant until I realized you were talking about Ash Williams. Fucking hell man. Give me a couple more better clues as to what you are talking about next time.)

'''Tarnish my star pic’s with your smart lip? Stay the hell out of SavMarket!'''

(What's a star pic? Otherwise this is okay, just make it "If you tarnish my star pic’s with your smart lip then stay the hell out of SavMarket!" so the ideas connect better.)

First rule of photography: Don’t hate the art, hate the artis-

(Okay sure.)

(Sy is cut off from his final line as a gunshot is heard. The old photographer falls to the ground, a huge bullet hole in his forehead. Frank West recoils in surprise, but is caught by an arm that wraps around his throat. A syringe is quickly inserted into the back of his neck, and he begins to fade out. In his final moments of consciousness, he gets a good look at his attacker.)

(When he opens his eyes again, he is no longer in the Junkyard, but an underground barricade of sorts. Bright lights shine towards a subject strapped into a chair, a young girl. He still can't see very well, but the man he saw earlier notices that he is awake and comes nearer.)

Mark Jefferson:

'''Is there anyone here who knows their stuff? Seymour certainly hasn’t been studying;'''

(Why should Sy study? Study what exactly? Why is he the one to be killed? Wtf? Is he not studying because you killed him? CONTEXT PLEASE.)

'''You never did pay attention in class. If you had, maybe you would’ve seen this coming'''

(This makes sense in the game. This doesn't make sense when lamedropped in a completely different context. Are you trying to tell me that Frank West was in Mark Jefferson's class?)

'''So pop quiz, wise guy. What’s the definition of Chaos Theory?'''

(The idea that molecules and energy are impossible to control and observe in such a precise way and that all attempts at performing the same dynamic task in the exact same way is impossible due to slight differences in initial conditions, now why is that relevant? What does this information go to Frank? Does it come back to play later in the verse? No. So why are you saying this besides dumping references?!)

'''That’s a test you’ll ace once you wake in the Dark Room. Now the Price must be paid off severely'''

(How does being in the Dark Room affect that? Wait he's already woken up in the Dark Room, so he should already know, right? Also, somehow he must pay a price in such a way that you can..refer to it as severe? That's not how to use the word. Your rhymes are profound.)

'''I always take the shot. Too obvious? Let’s just get to the point,'''

(Yes please just get to the point; you are hitting us with way too many clauses here.)

Thinking you’re on par with me makes two bums named Frank who need to lay off the joint

(Just say "two Franks who need to..." and it would be pretty good. Also get rid of "thinking you can step to me" cliché.)

But that’s a first world problem now, seeing as how your undoing is in the works,

(Okay.)

'''You’re worth less than dirt. If you got hurt, they wouldn’t even bother filing an Amber alert'''

(Okay.)

'''True beauty is unattainable without a beat. That’s why your portfolio's ugly.'''

(Tsss. Maybe if you began this with something explaining what makes his portfolio ugly this would hold a better punch. Also, just kinda realizing now, wouldn't it be better if he was rapping against Sy? Mark's whole thing is all about capturing the loss of innocence, which Frank lost while covering wars already but Sy got a chance to lose at the end of One Hour Photo and he learned that the perfect family he was obsessing over was an illusion. It'd just work more in terms of substance.)

'''You should thank me for at least putting on music for your final moments. Kate wasn’t as lucky.'''

(Said Frank West - "Who the fuck is Kate?")

The importance of your personal choice was an illusion; It always led to the same conclusive tie,

(Not sure what exactly this means. He says something about the choices lead to the same thing when there were two completely different endings available at the end of Life is Strange, so it doesn't really fit for that reference, and I don't think choices play that much of a role in Dead Rising anyway so..)

I can see the headlines now; “ruthless Sy loses it and shoots guy in murder-suicide”

(This is funny, but contradicts everything else involved here. Mark's murder patterns involve not letting the victims be found, not what is implied here. He even mentions missing person reports earlier. He wouldn't set it up to look like Sy killed Jefferson and himself. They're in the Dark Room currently, where would he even place the bodies to not put eyes on whoever (spoiler aversion) owns the Dark Room?)

This is what happens when you try to be an “Everyday Hero.” I am the consequence of your acts

("This is what happens when you...I am the consequence of your acts" is either the most redundant thing that you ever said redundantly, or you're implying that Mark Jefferson is the son of "Frank West" and "Trying to Be an Everyday Hero". Also, because you missed the opportunity yourself, I am the fury in your head.)

'''Every door and window closed. I’ll bury you in the junkyard, with the rest of the trash.'''

(So he isn't staging a fake murder-suicide? Well shit could've fooled me.)

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my session with Max,

(WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WAIT WHAT. You are...currently..in the middle of the Max thing? As in you walked away to kill and kidnap Sy and Frank and brought Frank back here, tied him up next to Max, and you're battle-rapping him in the middle of the events of Life is Strange? Hold on seriously wait what? What could possibly be going through Max's head?)

'''You WON'T get away with this… (Ahahaha…) Oh? I already have.'''

(APPARENTLY A DIRECT QUOTE FROM THE GAME IS GOING THROUGH HER MIND. She has been silent this whole time, and is just now making her presence known to confirm that while she's all loopy and stuff getting photographed and stuff while there might be a dead Victoria next to her, she can still understand what is happening and is unphased by the fucking rap battle she was placed next to? I HAVE SO MANY FUCKING QUESTIONS.)

SoothSaiyaman!'s Superman vs Fox McCloud
(Insert clever opener here.) "Open her? I hardly knew her!"

Fox McCloud:

I'll be spitting General Pepper to make you salty

(Pepper. Makes him salty. What. Also, he won't be spitting pepper, he'll be spitting general pepper. So, say this line out of context and it means what? Pepper in general?)

'''With a flow of FOX FIRE! to leave the League faulty'''

("To leave you [weird synonym of defeated or something]" cliché.)

I'm a Peppy player keen to turn a Man of Steel to slag

(What is slag? Okay looked it up and it's essentially melted metal. Something I'm sure Fox McCloud says all the time. Is rusting steel really just that unheard of?)

Being future I know Man of Tomorrow's a false brag

(This...wow you know what, I can't even piece these words together in a way that even comes close to making sense. What is being future? Like he is being an embodiment of future? How is being Man of Tomorrow a false brag? Explain.)

Saviour of the Lylat, I'll curdle your Milky Way

(Being savior of the lylat does absolutely nothing to assure me that he would know how to work with dairy products.)

Your jocks finally inside, they'll be staining grey

(Why? Why are his jocks staining grey? What jocks anyway? Superman's sidekicks? His underwear? Are you staining his underwear with grey? Why? And how? With what? Wtf?)

You've laughed your last as I grasp Lois fast as Joker gas

(The Joker. Number one Superman villain. Don't even come at me saying it's a relevant diss because Superman has faced Joker before, it's not relevant because there's a bunch of Superman villains to actually talk about, and Joker is primarily Batman's. Also, did you just use "as" as an alternative for "while"? Did Dragon cowrite this?)

What a blast as I clear your past like an Arwing crash!

(There you go using "as" as an alternative for "while" again, twice in a row. Also "what a blast while I clear your past" is...what even.)

Superman:

'''Daily Planet exclusive! Olsen photos, byline Clark Kent'''

(Nice...journalism reference...? In a battle with...like just totally Supes. Don't really need a Clark Kent reference. Not even sure why there's a Jimmy Olsen reference when Jimmy Olsen was referenced in Goku vs Superman. This whole newspaper buildup to headline joke is so cliché and contrived anyway.)

"Superman uses Freeze Breath to cool down F-Zero reject"!

(See now calling him a reject of F-Zero in the headline makes the whole headline seem metaphorical. Have you ever seen a real headline? They don't go all silly calling people names and stuff.)

'''After he burnt it up! Cold fox shoulder roast is a must!'''

(Wait so is he continuing the headline? Is the headline just done? I don't get it. Why even with this. Cold shoulder is defined as intentional unfriendliness. Oh wow so burn he's going to be kind of a jerk. Why eat things cold? Did you write this after getting drunk and watching the scene in Megamind where he argues with Metro Man about how to serve justice? Why eat fox? I understand chicken but that's like...redneck roadkill food. This is a mess.)

If you don't stick to your 'Cube game's trashcans I'll crush

(Why mockingly call it a Cube Game? He's not some old grandpa who doesn't know the difference between a PlayStation and a tire swing, he's fucking Superman. Or are you not talking about GameCube? Because I can't find whatever else you're referencing. What is "I'll crush"? Jesus Christ tell me you didn't use only the first two fucking words in your clause on this line. Not even that, you didn't even keep it in the same couplet. Not even that, you didn't even keep it in the same four-bar phrase. You just ended the stanza with "I'll crush," planning to finish that later. Fucking hell man.)

Rocket Raccoon and the furry Guardians of the Galaxy

("Comparing someone(s) in a derogatory way by saying he will defeat the comparison being drawn rather than explicitly comparing them to the character(s)" cliché.)

I'm known to fly through McClouds, it'll be a tragedy

(Does Superman actually regularly fly through characters named McCloud? I know he flies through clouds all the time. Even if you said that he's known to fly through Clouds, taking out the Mick, it would make sense in terms of what he actually does and who he's rapping against. But I guess that doesn't matter because that line goes nowhere and is replaced with a random rhyme filler.)

Should've brought your gangster along to clear your bogies

(What even is a bogey? I looked it up and...well I mean you're Aussie so it could be swimming... "Clear your swimming"? Nah. Evil spirits? Clear his evil spirits? I mean, I've never played these games, but I'm going to make the crazy assumption that Fox doesn't openly battle his internal demons. Also, what gangster? Like I can't even make an assumption as to who it is because statistically I'd be incorrect.)

Because this SUPERhero is enough to withstand your explosives!

(....boo...gēs.............splō....sivs........fucking what is this rhyme. None of these syllables come anywhere close to rhyming. Also "withstand your attacks" cliché. Also Superman is enough to withstand explosives? No, being Superman is enough to withstand explosives.)

Fox McCloud:

'''You're a relic of the past! I could beat you in 64!'''

(64 what? Minutes? Seconds? Years? Sure yeah Nintendo 64 but is there anything else? "Beat you in 64" sounds like a length of time. Maybe "beat you in the 64" would eliminate the confusion. This line says "Superman is old; Fox had a better video game than Superman." Doesn't fit, does it?)

Put down monkey aliens thrice and now I'll end this war!

(Monkey aliens? Are you sure you're not confusing Superman with Goku? Or are you going to say that "no Superman counts as a monkey alien" even though you should know we're faster to associate Goku with monkey aliens?)

'''I'll go it alone! Kal-El won't have his way with me!'''

(He won't...have his way with him...? Are you doing this on purpose? Because there's no way the gay furry porn subtext is going over your damn head like that.)

Instead I'll break him worse than Diana for Hera-sy

(Now I'm convinced this is just some kind of scrapped lyric for a Wonder Woman battle, because this has nothing to do with Superman. Stay on topic.)

Keep this clear as Krystal: Smart bombs best spandex.

(No no no you're supposed to compare armor to armor and weapon to weapon. Because when you say this all we're left to think is "Superman laser vision bests spaceship." Also, "writer sees writing a rap battle as a competition to stuff as many unrelated phrases together with forced puns as the justification for doing so" cliché.)

I'll be spitting twin plasma beams, now you should panic

(Now you should panic is a filler rhyme, but it don't fucking rhyme with spandex.)

Hand-to-hand, flight, marksmanship, I'm well rounded

(Melee. Hand-to-hand is melee. And what is this line really saying? "I'm pretty decent at fighting." Like..."well-rounded." That's gotta be the most anticlimactic way to end this line.)

With one barrel roll I'll leave Superman: Grounded.

(No no he'll leave Superman grounded, not he'll leave Superman: Grounded. What you said was he was going to leave Superman and now he's grounded. Also did he say he was going to ultimately defeat Superman by twirling in the air?)

Superman:

You really did drop out of the academy, damn.

(You really did just state that fact, damn. Also, everyone knows that if your line don't end with damn you can just say damn. That's not lazy at all.)

Here's what you don't understand: I am the SUPERMAN.

(Is this a reference to your own name? Well, your old name? I looked it up and I am the Superman isn't a thing. I am Superman is a thing but not the thing you said. It's filler. This is Superman. There is shit to talk about. You don't need to go complete filler in a 32-line battle.)

I could walk through an Arwing - in the middle of space

(That is...exactly where I imagined an Arwing would be why would you include that?)

Push Planet Venom into another galaxy at an incredible pace

(He said something really intimidating and impressive and ruined it with something childishly extraneous. "I will actually remove the planet from this galaxy and move it to another fucking galaxy....in a way that is pretty fast.")

In seconds I could solve any problem beating Slippy

(He could solve any problem beating Slippy? Is beating Skippy literally every single one of the problems he needs to solve?)

I flew through a red sun, what could you throw at me?

(Kryptonite. I know it's a rhetorical question, but we might as well have something of substance coming from said filler rhetorical question.)

You repel heat vision, but I punch at superlight!

(Okay 1)what the fuck is superlight 2)what does repelling heat vision have to do with punching superlight?)

You're an ant to me, now someone bring along a real fight.

(This was... man I'm not even sure what this was. It wasn't good, I can tell you that. "I'm done with you now, roll with the next foe, Steven!")

Segamad66's Willy Wonka vs Milton Hershey
Oh boy oh yes here it is the crown jewel the guy you are all here to see, here's Sega!!

Willy Wonka

Welcome to my chocolate factory Milton, prepare to be seated.

(This is genius, the integration of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory is used so perfectly yet so simply with a very nice introduction. He then deflects all anticipation for a reference to the many dangers in the chocolate factory and instead goes for a much more generic "prepare to be seated.")

I got Almond Joy on my face as my sweets cannot be defeated.

(The pun Almond Joy is really great here, because he manages to use every single syllable to create a pun on "I got all my joy on my face". The use of "as" instead of "because" is a great way to keep us from getting tired of the word because in rap battles. The internal rhyme of sweets and defeat makes up entirely for using the debatably overused "defeated" in rap battles in the first place.)

Willy Wonka walking up to this wanker with my swaggy cane.

(Alliteration rarely is used in a decent way and you just go ahead and perfect it.)

You're nutrageous, your candy gives kids terrible chest pain.

(Nutrageous is so good, all he had to do was change one letter. So economical. He also leaves the full extent of Hershey's impact ambiguous by just citing the angina children will face, very clever. Not to mention usually old people get angina, but here Hershey is so bad that even children get it. Avant-garde and successful for it.)

I've got a wonderful chocolate river running through my factory.

(Great buildup, the flow of the river could take us literally anywhere, so no matter what context the next line is in it works.)

'''You created mister goodbar, HA! More like mister unsatisfactory.'''

(Oh shit now that is a fucking burn. I love how you rhymed factory with factory. Triple rhymes ftw.)

You failed twice before you could become a huge success.

(Yeah! As soon as he remembers his failures Hershey won't even care about his huge success, and Wonka is so confident about that that he reminds Hershey of his success himself. Fuck. Yes.)

'''I got it right first time, Bitch! While you are a big fucking mess.'''

(Hell yeah Wonka fucking burn.)

Milton Hershey

Take 5 guesses why I don't want to talk to you.

(Changing the normal 3 guess structure to 5 makes an arbitrary idea integrate with the perfect pun and sets up for the five children joke to come. Great job.)

Firstly you created gum, that no-one wants to chew.

(Substituting the transitional first with the adverb firstly is a great middle finger to the normal rap battle conventions. And ignoring the one person did chew it for Wonka to remember the mistake himself is a great way to make Wonka internally diss himself.)

Next, you force people on a wacky boat trip, didn't let anyone off.

(That scene was such a good one that I can't help but like this line just because of how good the scene was.)

Just like your glass elevator, I push your buttons till you blast off.

(Fucking burn.)

You force small little dwarfs to work, waiting for danger to strike,

(Small and little bring synonyms emphasize how vastly tiny the Oompa Loompas are. Great one.)

Then they start to sing to children called Violet, Veruca and Mike.

(It's simple, but simple is great.)

I have my chocolate in the hands of people, 60 countries worldwide.

(Yeah boom global recognition. That's the shiznit.)

You are a fiction character who frames kids for their own suicides.

(Saying fiction instead of fictional is another great way to break conventions. Kudos. Also you play with the viewer's mind by saying that Wonka framed the kids for their suicides, when the natural criteria for suicides include the kids having to be the culprit for the act, implying the higher manipulation in framing Wonka has. Fucking brilliant.)

Willy Wonka

Looks like I've a golden ticket to rap a second time.

(Subverting the normal lamedrop by contracting "I" and "have" is clever. Also the implication that one needs a ticket to be given a second verse in a genre where second verses are common is a very nice twist.)

My Wonka bars are cheap, kids buy them for a dime.

(Bragging about resourcefulness is something I don't see enough people do. Good one.)

Don't call me Dahl, I'm the greatest chocolate entrepreneur!

(Wonka's insistence that he not be given the name of his author tells so much of the character's more sinister nature to hold a greater power. So interesting.)

'''This rap battle is over, you get nothing, you lose! Good day sir!'''

(And integration of iconic quote is perfect.)

Milton Hershey

Is that all you got against the founder of Hershey's kisses.

(The phrasing of this as a question is a great way to imply that he does not got much against the founder of Hershey kisses without explicitly stating it.)

But when I step up to the mic, I'm the one making disses.

(Using the word "but" when the previous statement had nothing it was stating against is once again a great way to break conventions. And making a completely filler line is good here because the founder of Hershey's kisses line was so strong we needed a buffer to recover from it.)

'''I'm in the big bucks, It's my Payday, so listen up, wait. Fuck it,'''

(Presenting an internal rhyme with a specific flow and completely cutting it for a random profanity is another great way to break conventions.)

Forget my Health bar, you're about to kick the Charlie Bucket.

(Mistaking the Heath bar for Health bar is, contrary to popular belief, not an idiotic move, rather it's the smartest pun ever. And let's be honest here, if Uber Rap Battles of Fiction can use the kick the Charlie Bucket joke, it must be good.)

(So it's settled. Sega is better than all of you.)

Conclusion
Hoooo wheee that was a good one. What did you think about it? I think it was great. Hooo wheee. How is Hippie's relationship with the people on this wiki going to mend? Find out in the next Hippie Rat Review in like..a year and a haaalllfff hooooooo wheeeeee

Yeah I am not sure if I'll ever do this again. This took like months. Whatever I am not sure.

So like, yeah, a lot of this was being a dick. You'll notice I like get more responsive in waves. That's because I literally would start off super descriptive, then actually start completely trailing off as I get more and more exhausted, then I would not touch this for another week, then wash rinse repeat. So at some points I go on for days about what was wrong, others I'm just like "fucking". Sorry if I was a bit more dismissive with yours or more hard on yours than others. It's nothing personal. And sometimes you might've just legitimately had less things to talk about. Also I'm like, naturally cynical during these, partially because that's just the tone of the series, partially because I'm exhausted af. Again, nothing personal.

Hope you guys enjoyed. Have a great day. :)