User blog:Joeaikman/Joe's Battles of Fiction number 10 - Terry Pratchett vs Roald Dahl

First things first, yes I know these characters aren't fictional but they are well known for creating fiction and from now on there will be one battle like this per season to make things interesting. Author of multiple children's classics (James and the Giant Peach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The BFG), Roald Dahl goes up against the creator of the Discworld series, Terry Pratchett to see whether it is better to write fantasy for children or for adults.

Cast
EpicLLOYD as Roald Dahl

Nice Peter as Terry Pratchett (denoted by orange)

Zach Sherwin as Neil Gaiman (denoted by red)

The Battle
ROALD DAHL

VS

TERRY PRATCHETT

BEGIN

You forgot the sir, I'm knighted because of my fame

And now I'm up against an author who can't even write his own name

I write fantasy books about tales on a disc

It's insulting to match me up against the real life Mr Twit

Great A'Tuin himself goes faster than your raps

A World War Two fighter pilot who's about to crash

Your books are bad, who let's a kid own a chocolate factory?

Your only current contribution is the Gremlins in Epic Mickey

You're a children's author, people of all ages enjoy my books

I'd say the odds are even but for me the Omens are Good

You do dark humour? I parody real life events

By Jingo, I know just how to crush this Fifth Elephant

Accept it Terry, your books suck even worse than your rhymes

I'm 16th out of 50, you're not present, ask the Times

Quentin may have drawn, but they call me the new Dahli

Because I create masterpieces, your work is all folly

My books are made into games, Brain Box and Top Trumps

Call me Amazing Maurice, you're my uneducated rodent

Willy Wonka to the BFG, I create characters loved by all

You have a sarcastic cop and a wizard who likes to stall

Any chance you had is over in a blink of the screen

You're not Making Money, just making the obscene

Let me help out Terry, okay Neil, Roald meet Gaiman

We can finish this book job, against a wannabe Charles Dickens

The legendary Scary Trousers has just helped to show you up

How can someone so dull be named after Amundsen

I knew it Terry, a Gaiman's your best friend

Now I'll put you both to sleep, just call me the sandman

Here's a marvelous medicine for you, it's knowing when to shut the fuck up

Because I can spit the rhymes so hot that not even Ridcully could stop

You needed two rappers to even stand a chance

You can both suck on my snozzcumber, as we finish this verbal dance

Who won? Roald Dahl Pratchett and Gaiman