User blog:Wachowman/Wiki Tales: Borderlands Premier ep1 (Well Then)

(Screen shows 3 Men walking through a desert armed with cheap guns)

Man 1: this is a stupid idea.

Man 2: for once I agree with Steeler.

Steeler: did I say you could agree with me?

'''STEELER! TOUCHES DOWN'''

Man 2: oh, I'm sorry. Wonder, this idea is fucking amazing.

Steeler: that's not what I meant.

Wonder: Joe, Steeler, both of you shut up, we're here now.

'''WONDER! BRINGS THE THUNDER'''

(Screen shows the 3 users at a bandit camp site)

Joe: I don't see anyone.

'''JOE! SETS HIS TRAP'''

Wonder: it's not like The Resistance, they don't have guards protecting them, they know they're gunna die one day, they don't even care.

Joe: so no hostages?

Wonder: they wouldn't give a single damn.

Steeler: well, let's alert them of our presence, maybe they'll give us what they want.

Wonder:...maybe...

(Wonder shoots his gun into the sky)

Wonder: hello?!

(The screen goes black)

(Screen shows the 3 users tied to a poll surrounded by Psychos)

Joe: I'm back to agreeing with Steeler.

Wonder: I thought he'd be here.

Joe: what now?

Wonder: I already sent out the distress call before they tied us up.

Steeler: when did you have time to do that?

Wonder: before they tied us up, Patts should be here any minute now.

Joe: oh goody, Patts.

Wonder: what other choice do we have?

Joe: die.

Steeler: you actually think Patts is gunna show up?

(An explosion is heard as bandits are seen pushed into the air)

Wonder: yes.

Psycho 1: attack!

Psycho 2: Ahahahaha!

Psycho 3: Kill the prisoners!

(The 3 Psychos get closer to the users)

Joe: well, it was nice guys.

Steeler: I'd say the same but I really hate both of you.

Joe: thanks Steeler.

Wonder: fuck you both, Patts! Over here!

(A Psycho is about to swing his axe at Wonder but is then shot)

Psycho 1: Ahah!

Psycho 3: kill that one instead!

(Screen shows a man in a robe pointing his gun at the 2 Psychos)

Patts: not a chance.

'''PATTS! SAVING THE DAY...AGAIN'''

(The 2 Psychos run towards Patts)

Psycho 1: Ahahahahaha!

(The Psycho is shot in the head by Patts)

Psycho 3: My tur-

(The Psycho is shot in the stomach by Patts and falls to the ground)

Psycho: ahh, help me.

(Patts walks by the Psycho and cuts the group out of the ropes)

Steeler: why can't we do that.

Patts: cause you guys can barely shoot the side of a building.

Psycho 3: assistance? Please?

Wonder: well we're safe now.

Patts: can there be a day when I don't have to save your asses?

Steeler: the day Wonder stops being leader.

Wonder: shut it, how about the day you give us correct coordinates to Wachows location?

Psycho 3: please? anyone? I-I'm bleeding out over here.

Patts: not my fault, he's a sneaky son of a bitch.

Wonder: that's why we need you.

Patts: *calls his vehicle over* well, you've done your research, use what you've learned.

Joe: so what now?

Patts: *gets in his vehicle* well, there's a town, Legionston, not far from here, I guess go there for the night.

Wonder: then?

Patts: I don't know, I'll find a new place for you all to go.

Wonder: is that gunna be our life from now on?

Patts: listen, you guys have been doing this job for a few weeks, once you start you never stop, and you've got a difficult first mission.

Joe: couldn't we have just gotten something easier?

Patts: not for 4 billion dollars.

Psycho 3: I'm in a lot of pain...this is a little cruel.

Patts: *starts up his ride* see you guys tomorrow, probably.

Steeler: wait.

Patts: what?

Steeler: can you at least give us a ride?

Patts:...*sighs* fine, get in.

Steeler: thanks.

(Wonder, Joe and Steeler get on Patts' vehicle)

Patts: hold on.

(Patts drives away leaving the base)

Psycho 3: getting help? Right? Or you could...just shoot me in the head...

(A couple Skags walk up to the Psycho)

Psycho 3: oh fuck.

(The screen goes dark as The Psychos screaming can be heard followed by the growls of a Skag)

Psycho 3: No! noooo! Ahhhhg!



''(Screen shows a big city as Patts' vehicle drives up to it.

Patts: my buddy, Legion, is Mayor of this place, tell him you know me and he'll let you in, now get outta my ride.

(Wonder, Joe and Steeler get off of Patts' vehicle)

Wonder: alright, thanks for the help.

Patts: those words are becoming a daily thing with you guys.

(Patts drives off as Wonder, Steeler and Joe walk up to the Legionston gates)

Guard 1: halt! You may not enter without Lord Legions permission.

Joe: the guy actually named the town after himself?

Wonder: shut up. go fetch your lord, he'll let us in.

Guard 2: we will do no such thing.

Guard 1: you must schedule ahead of time.

Wonder: I'll pay you 100$ each.

Guard 1: Lord Legion shall be brought to the gate.

Guard 2: I'll collect the self-depreciating bribe.

(The Guard walks up to Wonder and is given 200$)

Guard 2: pleasure.

Wonder: uh-huh.

Guard 2: please wait for our Lord, he shouldn't be far right now, he was just here.

Wonder: just make sure we get to talk to him.

(The other guard appears with a Man behind him)

Legion: why was I summoned? I don't know you!

'''LEGION! BOW DOWN!'''

Wonder: we wanted permission to enter.

Legion: rejected! Now go away!

Wonder: we're friends of Patts, Patts Nine.

Legion: Patts?...why didn't you say so! *presses a button*

(The giant gates to Legionston open up)

Legion: Patts played a large role in this places existence, and by that I mean he once didn't kill me even though I tried robing him, we've been friends ever since.

Joe: touching.

Legion: well don't just stand there, come in, come in.

Wonder: thank you.

Legion: anything for a friend of Patts, I will have our best room set for you at once, Thatch, bring them to THAT room.

Thatch: didn't that old couple just move into there for a while?

Legion: they'll be taken care of.

''(Screen shows Thatch followed by Wonder, Joe and Steeler on the 20th floor of a building.

Thatch: here's your roo-...god dammit Josh, you aren't done yet.

(Screen shows a Man carrying the corpse of an elderly lady)

Josh: the man was heavy.

Wonder:...what?

Josh: I told them they had to leave, they refused, what else was I supposed to do.

Thatch: I don't care that you killed them, but now that room will smell like dead-sex for the next few hours.

Josh: whatever, enjoy your stay, I wouldn't recommend using the shower.

(Josh walks down the stairs with the corpse)

Thatch: can't believe he gets payed more than me...anyways, here's a key for all of you, you will see 3 beds in the room.

(Thatch give a key to the room to Wonder, Joe and Steeler)

Steeler: why'd an elderly couple need 3 beds?

Thatch: we never ask questions to our guest, it ends in most of our staffs deaths, I must return to my post at the gate, I'm part timing there, enjoy your stay...or at least try to.

(Thatch heads down the stairs)

Joe:...I fucking hate this planet.

Wonder: I hate people.

Steeler: I'll hate both of you if you don't get outta my way so I can get into the room, I gotta piss.

Joe: *stays in Steelers way* I thought you already hated us.

Steeler: funny.

(Steeler pushes through Joe and Wonder and goes into the room)

Joe: don't know about you, but I'm getting some shut-eye.

Wonder: I wonder if there's room service.

Joe: I wouldn't order it if I were you.

(Joe and Wonder walk into the room)

(A Man is seen in a bar with multiple dead people on the ground)

(The man is seen holding up the bartender by gunpoint)

Man 1: *finishes the beer* c'mon Andrew, keep em comin'

Andrew: ye-yessir.

(Andrew gives the man another beer)

Man 1: *finishes the beer* man! I'd drunk as fuck right now if there wasn't such a long line earlier, good thing that lines gone now.

Andrew: *looks at the corpses* ye-yes, very good.

Man 1: I really like this bar, in the middle of no where, but very useful for a man who needs a drink or rest up.

Andrew: t-th-that's what it w-was made for.

Man 1: yes yes...would you like to meet my friends?

Andrew: f-friends?

Man 1: *whistles*

(Screen shows 2 overly-sized Skags bash the Bar doors open)

Man 1: this is Peter and Lloyd.

Andrew: o-oh.

(Peter and Lloyd jump over the bar table and start to growl at Andrew)

Man 1: raised em since they were pups, Bandits killed their parents, killed the Bandits and they instantly took a liking to me.

(Peter and Lloyd start to get closer to Andrew)

Man 1: don't know why they didn't kill me, they're usually hostile to everything, even each other, but not these 2, they bring me beers, weapons, even ammo that they happen to find.

Andrew: they s-seem very useful.

Man 1: they are, here's the problem, Skags only like meat, human meat, and I can't just bring them a dead human, the human has to be alive.

(The Man snaps his fingers)

Lloyd: *growls*

Peter: *growls*

(Peter and Lloyd start to maul Andrew)

Andrew: ah-Ahhhg! No! Ahhhhh!

Man 1: and that's where you come in. *finishes his beer*

Andrew: A-ach-ck!

(The Man gets up and walks to the door)

Man 1: I might come back some time, keep the beers in my tab would ya?

Andrew: Ahhhh!

Man 1: thanks sport.

(The man leaves as Andrews screaming stops as rips of flesh is the only thing that can be heard)

(Screen shows time pass as Joe, Steeler and Wonder are sleeping in their respective beds)

(A loud bang on the door is heard)

Wonder: *wakes up* gah!

Steeler: *wakes up* who the hell!

Joe: *continues to sleep*

Steeler: fuck, Wonder, get the door.

Wonder: your bed is closest to the door.

Steeler: if you didn't say that, you'd be at the door by now!

Wonder: gah! Fucking fine!

(Wonder gets out of his bed and walks to the door)

Wonder: who the fuck is it.

Josh: is that really how you answer doors?

(Wonder opens the door)

Wonder: what?

Josh: Lord Legion has called for your presence.

Steeler: tell him to fuck off.

Josh: now, or else you'll be removed from Legionston...in a body bag...and that's just the law speaking,

Wonder:...let us get ready first.

(Wonder throws his gun at Joe and hits him in the head)

Joe: *wakes up* ow! What the fuck!

Wonder: *turns to Josh* we're ready.

(Screen shows Wonder, Joe and Steeler walk into a giant office)

Legion: ah! Gentlemen, gentlemen, sorry to wake you all at this time, but this discussion is a must.

Steeler: this better be go-

Wonder: what happened Mayor Legion?

Legion: Patts informed me of your...mission, you kill That Psycho Wachow, well he was here very recently.

Joe: what?

Steeler: here?!

Legion: he was at the front gates, the guards didn't allow him to enter, they were both eaten alive by his Skags, all their weapons stolen.

Wonder: how do you know it was him?

Legion: myself and other guards rushed to see what the noise was about,we saw him walking away, my men tried to shoot him but every shot seemed to miss, he kept walking, I didn't allow my men to chance him, it'd be certain death, but I just knew it was him.

Wonder: we have to go guys.

Steeler: now?

Joe: woah woah, some armed guards couldn't kill this man, I wasn't aware he had fucking Skags.

Wonder: who were the men who were killed?

Legion: the guards haven't switched out since you last saw them, so Thatch and I believe the other ones name was Jack.

Wonder: Thatch wasn't even a guard, we can take him.

Joe: I don't think that's how it works.

Wonder: we have no other option, I'd rather die than be left with you 2 for the rest of my life,

Steeler: fine, fine, let's go get killed.

Joe:...fuck man!

Legion: best of luck to you, I'd give you a vehicle but we are at the low end of a trade with another city.

Steeler: in no way was that helpful.

Wonder: we've gotta hurry, that's our money walking away.

(Wonder, Joe and Steeler run out the office as the screen goes black)

Next Time on Wiki Tales
(The group is seen running out the gates)

Wonder: let's hurry up!

Steeler: we're gunna get killed so badly.

Joe: shit, how'd he just disappear like that?!

Wonder: we've got bigger problems.

(Screen shows 10 Skags surrounding the trio)

Man 1: the man you're looking for has killed 50 of my closest friends, I had to get another 50 close friends, do you know how hard that is? what do you need?

Patts: I'm still waiting for you guys to do one thing right....One thing!