User blog comment:Dark Cyan/CyGIR Rap Battles 35/1: Pines Twins vs Olsen Twins/@comment-27019625-20160322051511

Hello, rumor has it that I'm Brandon Service, and, sometimes, I actually review things! What a shocker!

Ah, how I love reviewing the first episode. Like a pedophile with the luxurious white van of reviewing, I prefer to get them while they're young! You know, gives me the most opportunity for critiques that may actually affect something.

Without further ado, let me quickly present the most exciting part of a review: the rules! As I have not deeply read either of your series, and, to my knowledge, have not had much experience with your writing styles, I will be treating this as if this were your first battle. In addition, my personal opinions of either of you two will not be represented within this review, only my opinions of the work. Please keep this in mind, as you read the following. On the topic of you two as writers, I will refer to both creators under 'you', and such writings, unless otherwise specified, as this is a partnership, along with simplicity on my end.

The rest of the typical ruleset goes on. I read and review these rap battles without listening to the provided beat, assuming there is one. (I haven't checked yet!) This is due to simple personal preference. Whether the battle is improved by the beat or not, is unimportant, it's simply how I read the battle. I also review as I read, with minimal backtracking, through editing. Whether or not it will matter or not, I don't know, but, hey, may as well tell you. I mainly do this for the purpose of creating the most honest perspective: the immediate. No hindsight for me!

Now, without further ado, time to review them hoes!

Let's start with the connection. Remember how I said I wouldn't bring up you, as people? Welp, nevermind about that! While I dislike the connection-- it feels really generic, and uninteresting-- in my knowledge of GIR, it's a great choice to choose the Pines twins for a first episode. After all, it's always best to put your best foot forward, and, in this medium, the best foot wears a shoe of familiarity, in the form of the Pines twins! You guys must have been aware, since it was highlighted in the introduction. Nevertheless, while I dislike the matchup overall, it's quite original, and takes good usage of characters the writer is used to.

Though, within the introduction, there is a certain element I take issue with. In your partnership, you state that each of you worked on a set of characters, exclusively. Now, this is a bad idea, for a number of reasons. Two people working on one piece of content, seperately creating parts, and then putting them together, can make a less even feel for the battle, overall. Also, tying in with the point I made above, on the benefit of writing characters you know deeply about, it goes both ways, as rapping for them, and dissing them. GIR is the biggest GF fan I know, and would most definitely be able to diss them. Plus, one of the biggest benefits of having a partnering series, is the ability to give your peer your own hand in their work, to make it better. Without that hand, you're more likely to get a less high quality product. Peer editing and contributions are a massive benefit. Hell, it's the reason I'm even able to put my name on a rap series! My solo raps are subpar, but, Kung's help make them... better than subpar?

Wow, five body paragraphs in, and I have not read a single lyric. I need hobbies! Without further ado, let's get to the things people actually care about!

I'm not going to lie. On initial observations (otherwise known as me spending five minutes staring at the title card) I was not excited for the Olsen twins. Not a fan of the two as celebrities, but, also afraid that they would be curbstomped ala Beiber vs. Beethoven, for the purpose of mocking two acceptable targets in the internet culture. To say the least, I'm pleasantly surprised.

While I'm, shockingly enough, not an encyclopedia of knowledge on the Olsen Twins franchise, composing of a shockingly vast level of late-90's early-00's schlock, I'm aware of the feel of their franchise. Light, silly, oftentimes weird... basically, Saved by the Bell, but with prepubescent little girls. This verse perfectly embodies the feeling, with a silly, cheese-filled verse. I'm not going to lie, on my first reading, I smiled. Hell, you even referenced the beatifully bad screen transitions. The setting was a mall, for chrissake. It possessed a core point, and kept an even tone throughout, without a single swear or violent threat. I could genuinely see two tween girl characters rapping this.

That isn't to say it didn't have issues. The rapping was soft, lacking any hard disses, whatsoever, with only one (positively) memorable diss in the entire verse. The gloating, while fun, and with the delicious taste of mozzarela, had little substance. Other than the funny little It Takes Two joke, and the detective agency schtick, the references didn't contribute much, on their end. While the Gravity Falls references fared better, with a memorable ending line being the best diss in the entire verse, the Duck line was merely okay in a great verse. While the 'Northwest' reference wasn't needed, it was, at the very least, a non-nonsensical way to pad out a good line to full length. The Olsen twins had a great first verse, for entertainment value, but weren't as great in a rap battle.

{Note for future reference: I plugged this battle twice at the time of this writing, only for the gold of this verse.}

The Pines, meanwhile, seem to be on the attack! Focusing nearly entirely on disses, the two start on a very valid criticism, that gives me a smile: Mabel having ''no fucking clue who they are, or why their content is so... cheesy. ''It's a smart, fun way to introduce a great diss on the Olsens, and is moved on from, without much dawdling. A great way to introduce Mabel, and, with the following explanation, Dipper, while presenting a brief characterization, and outline of their dynamic.

Though, this verse does contain a number of flaws, that needs to be addressed. The references fitted did not flow well, sort of just being there to say you're referencing something. The best example is the 'Gleeful' line being claimed as a reference to Gideon. It does not fit as a reference, nor does it add to the rap, whatsoever. This isn't the only case of such a line. It is not clever wordplay, it distracts from the battle's flow. In addition, while the disses are more plentiful, and the lines are meatier, there is little to no focused point to the verse, despite one being present in the first half-- the Olsen Twins' irrelevance and outdatedness. When that's abandoned, structure is abandoned. Culminating in an awkwardly phrased, but sort-of funny line, the Pines' verse is summarized well: hit-or-miss. The building blocks are good, with the Pines being in-character, and good concepts being present, but they were assembled in an odd way, leading to bad references, awkwardly phrased closer, and abandoned concepts.

Meanwhile, the Rap God shone upon this Earth, and bestowed upon the simple mortals a blessed gift, allowing their survival: ''motherfucking fire. ''I overexaggerate, of course, but, man, do the Olsen Twins come back strong. Through the corrupting process known as puberty, they are transformed, ala Michael Jackson. The raps take a massive hit in accessibility, which hinders the enjoyment to those unaware of the Gravity Falls franchise, but, damn if they don't entertain the fuck out of me.

Impressively, in sheer concept, the first and second verses fit the same mold. They represent an age in both the lives of the Olsens, and an age in media. The Olsens are, in the first verse, idealistic, but cheesy, representations of 90's media, and tween stereotypes. In the second verse, however, they act as the antithesis to this, being symbols of the mid-00's child celebrity corruption (of which Britney Spears and the Olsens are famous victims) and oversexualization. While the commercialism and franchising elements of the Olsens are present in both verses, they're stressed much more in this verse, as they're riding off royalties. Though the phrasing is stiff in certain lines,  'but it is your home that is ghastly' coming to immediate mind, the disses I remember are excellent, those mainly concentrated in the first half of the verse, with a fucking amazing eating disorder joke, which summarizes the adult Olsen twins well, and their tirade on Dipper's immaturity. Unfortunately, all that was not raved about here, stands to be  fairly forgettable, within the second verse.

As I'm burnt out from writing who-knows-how-many paragraphs thus far, and at least three more to do, I have little to say on the Pines' final verse. Unable to match the Olsen's, there's little evolution within the Pines' overarching verse. While the Pines' don't necessarily have a bad verse, some of the flaws in the first are accentuated. As I scroll down to type this paragraph, I can't really remember any disses, or even the core point of the verse, if there was one.

The references are lacking, and require too much prior knowledge on Gravity Falls and the Olsen Twins, without providing the context. The prime example is the Armstrong line, which I couldn't even provide a reasonable guess what the meaning is. While I understand that you're a big fan of Gravity Falls, not everyone is. Also, not everyone is willing to research to understand the lines-- in fact, most aren't. Accessibility is crucial for any rap battle. It could be the best diss in the world, but, if someone doesn't understand what it means, it's pointless.

Before I go into my overall thoughts, there's something I must address, as I see it every time I scroll down from the rap, to write my review: the Nav. If you're going to bring CyGIR as the official continuation of Cyan Rap Battles, it doesn't flow well for people backreading to suddenly rebrand while a season is underway. Titling the Nav CyGIR Rap Battles is a misnomer, as the majority of the battles under the listing are Cyan Rap Battles, and none of GIR's solo rap battles are present. Honestly, I'd suggest simply making this into its own new series. Throw off the baggage of continuing Cyan Rap Battle, make this the series premiere, as it's rather suitable for such a title, and make a new Nav for it, for the sake of better series flow.

Now, on to my final thoughts. Though the Pines were formidable, with in-character rapping and a higher number of disses, their verses suffered from over-familiarity by the writers with Gravity Falls source material, to the point of oftentimes containing nonsensical or overly obscure references, hindering the experience. Though their verses contained good concepts and good lines, the less high quality lines were in higher abundance. While the Olsens did not have many differing traits from each other, their verses were very constantly entertaining, with some biting disses, and great tone. While they started off slow, they were still entertaining in their softer verse, and came in strong to catch the win.