User blog:The Flatwoods Monster/Epic Rap Battles of Horror Season 4 Investigation w/ The X-Files

Possible suspects. MetalFire, Stofferex, ProbablyNoah. Let’s get down to business.



JackBurton… acclaimed “body builder”... arms and legs broken in two places, face squished in as if smashed with a large hammer.

MC Johnny LA… small time rapper… serious third degree burns in several parts of the body, mouth taped shut and arms held together by a rope. Presumably knocked out before the events of the murder. Torture techniques were possibly involved.



My name is detective Fox Mulder, federal investigator of the paranormal and extraterrestrial. When I’m not researching into aliens or ghosts, I instead help the agency solve cases such as murder, with my assistant, Dana Scully. Unfortunately she cannot be here to help with this case. Anyways, allow me to get back to my work.



Newspaper headlines report a recent upcoming in Alien sightings. Hmm, wonder if this could mean anything. Hmm… Aha!

According to this new finding, a photo was found by the murder of Johnny. It depicts… a tiger, devouring the remains of a small monkey. The words “PREDATOR AND PREY” were written next to it. No further evidence.



Let’s see… Bigfoot caught on tape… rapping. Sounds to be insulting Frosty the Snowman. Possibly the Himalayan Yeti? No, that’s ridiculous. Anyways, unrelated, nearby the murder of JackBurton, the words “EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HORROR” were splattered across the walls, written in gore. Possibly connected to the rapping Bigfoot, I suppose. Is Bigfoot the murderer?... Wait, that makes no sense. Is Bill Cipher related? Always safe to slip in the Illuminati somewhere.



Let’s google search this real fast, like any respectable detective would. Hmm… Epic Rap Battles of Horror… Freddy, Jason… Slender Man, Jeff the Killer… Frankenst- I’m getting off topic.

(A phone rings)

Hello? Yes, this is Agent Mulder.

Mulder? This is Scully. We found something.

What’s this? A new finding?

The killer was chased into an alley, and happened to drop a notepad.

Sloppy. What’s it say?

A bunch of names… WonderPikachu12, GIR 5 Life, Andrew2018, Joeaikman, Tkid115, Bobdave, TKandMit …

New victims? A hit list?

Assistants, it seems.

Weird. Keep me posted, Scully.

Will do.



Wait a minute… it makes perfect sense! ProbablyNoah hated Jack Burton and MC Johnny LA! He would have had all the reason to kill those sexist sacks of shi- I mean to commit murder. Hmm… that would conclude his next victim to most likely be Silent Mocker. Maybe we could prolong stopping him. That all being said, let’s tie up all loose ends. So Noah hates Johnny and Burton…



And plus, his weird involvement with Cryptozoology and Gravity Falls…

Oh wait. He RUNS Epic Rap Battles of Horror. Duh.



So by that, we can conclude… Noah committed the murders!



And with the final hints, I want to believe that Noahs first battle will be Alien v-

Mulder, we got something!

Scully? What is it?

(Phone rings)

Two whacky teenagers with some crazy involvement in the paranormal. Say they’ve fought with Death and fallen angels. Gone on for waaay too many seasons.

I’ll be right there. Let’s teach them a lesson.

Oh, I almost forgot. We found a functioning flash drive inside Jack Burtons still beating heart. Go ahead and take a look at the few photos we were able to recover. But for now, I must go

The truth is out there.

...

...

...

(The screen goes static)

'And PLEASE, be sure to comment a list of any suggestions you've liked, whether you came up with them or not! Seriously, do it! Digging through previous battles to find suggestions is a BITCH.'

'''no really. do it. do it now.'''



or else Male Robin gets it.