User blog:El Alamein/Count Dooku vs. Hagrid

So, yeah, a bit of a backstory is in order. About a week and a half ago I was sitting in Dairy Queen with my friends. I had just finished eating a delicious cotton candy blizzard (because, damn, I hadn't eaten a cotton candy blizzard in years, and, as it turns out, childhood nostalgia really had done a wonder for my memory of an ice cream treat that's way too sugary for its own good) and I was talking with my friends about some ERBs we'd like to see.

Very seriously, one of my friends suggests "Count Dooku vs. Hagrid."

Naturally, we all made fun of him for the rest of the night. Well, actually, we've really been making fun of him for it through to the present, which has culminated in the creation of this... eh, let's just call it an affectionate parody.



Beat: You'll quickly see why this is the beat. (Bond vs. Powers is the current favorite of my friend who suggested this, so it's only natural it's the source for this parody.)

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!



VS!



Begin!

Lyrics
Hagrid

I've beefed with Bellatrix, Wormtail, an' Voldy with no nose,

But they weren' as filthy an' tattered as yer Sith robes.

I'll go beard ter th' wall on this old dick with a glow stick,

Blast spells at yeh like an angry half-giant doin' magic tricks!

Permission from Dumbledore teh have a small shack? I've earned it.

I'm a licensed groundskeeper, you couldn' get a Muggle permit

After eight whole films I'm still a legen', a myth,

In yer third movie yeh died, that's Revenge of th' Sith.

Spell my name! The ladies wanna Hag on Rid,

Any sex appeal yeh might have is smaller than my dick!

I'm bespoke from my beard ter my pubes and yer not a wizard, fella

I only need one wand: my umbrella!

Count Dooku
You look a lot more hairy in your movies, Hagrid,

But that's all right, you still can't scare me, Hagrid! (Yeah!)

Emperor Palpatine told me this would be boring,

But Jesus man, my midichlorians are snoring!

I've never seen such a hairy wizard,

I've also never seen such a big hairy gizzard!

I mean you couldn't even bang with your French giant neighbor,

Chicks flock to the hum of my lightsaber! (Yeah!)

I'll hypnotize you with a little Force persuasion,

And then shiak stab, you're falling like the Federation! (Yeah!)

You're defenseless, the Force can't be understanded,

I'll beat you like my duel with Anakin, single-handed! (Yeah!)

People like a wizard with a little bit of grooming,

No one wants to sit near your beard while it's blooming!

Maybe Snape can brew some new plot lines

You dealt with dragons two bloody times!

I'm a Sith lord, and you really need a shave,

You can't touch me, Rubeus, behave!

Hagrid
Ugh, I can' believe I'm wastin' my time with this clown,

I should be in th' forest with some fuckin' centaurs by now!

Hatchin' dragons, too, and cleanin' up Grawp's poo,

Not rappin' against th' doctor guy from Gremlins 2!

Count Dooku
Yeah, that wasn't me!

Hagrid
I didn' say I was finished, I'm sick of yer Force gimmicks,

I'm th' best groundskeeper at Hogwarts, jus' check all Harry's visits

And I've helped Harry Potter, so I'm kinda his ally

'cuz I'm the original sidekick who fried all the bad guys!

Dobby
Dobby wouldn't exactly call you "original!"

It's the most submissive, permissive house-elf so pay homage,

Handing out free clothing, he's against real elf bondage!

Your rapping wasn't good and your flow really stank

If Dobby wanted shitty teaching on his Creature Care he'd call Grubbly-Plank.

Dobby sees your wand and saber and he'll piss on them all

He doesn't need a stick to blast your balls.

He's the elf friend of the wizard with millions of fans who are rabid

You're a fat blob of whose presence we should be rid... Hagrid.

Count Dooku
Force persuasion! You will let me get back in my rap!

Dobby
Persuade deez, you ugly old sap!

Count Dooku
Crap!

Hagrid
It's th' movie business but yeh were only in two,

It seems th' producers forgot about scrotum-y old you!

Count Dooku
Yeah, to be honest, you do look like E.T.

I mean, I don't judge, but you do look foreskin-y.

Dobby
Oh please, Dobby is a free elf, he's quite the clever guy

If they made a Mac for me they'd have to cast Bill Nye!

Hagrid
Or maybe they should cast an elf who's not CGI!

Dobby
Why Hagrid, it's too bad you didn't die!

Hagrid
As a matter o' fact I got a knack for poundin' on elves

After I beat yeh, I'll stuff yeh and put yer on th' shelf!

Dobby
Now you listen here, you're obese and lame!

Dobby kills! He's not here to injure or maim!

Poll
Who won? Hagrid Count Dooku Dobby