User blog:El Alamein/Princess Peach vs. Matt Damon. Epic Rap Battles of Things That Don't Make Sense

So, I missed a week. Sorry everyone (the three of you who read this)! Hopefully this week's matchup will more than make up for it. My friend suggested this one after the rousing success of my previous two installments, and I've already got a couple more lined up in advance! I have to admit that it's a lot of fun, so I really hope that you guys are enjoying it as much as I am! And now I am pleased to unveil the latest installment of Epic Rap Battles of Things That Don't Make Sense.



Beat: Al Capone vs. Blackbeard



VS!



Begin!

Princess Peach
I come strapped with two pans and an umbrella,

Walk under the Mushroom Flag just to mess with this here fella.

Ain't no Toad in my handbag and no jewels in my crown,

I'm a pissed-off princess, here to smack you around town!

Beef with me? Please, I'm the next-gen damsel.

My accolades sit high on Nintendo's gaming mantle!

You're a chunky stupid hack packing a padded script

That no audience would watch if it were the only film to pick!

Don't start a fit with me, I'll hit you with bricks

I'll soccer-kick those shit flicks of yours into Netflix!

You spent time on Mars, I'm sure you stayed fit

If you lifted weights as often as you farmed your own shit!

Matt Damon
I'm a busy man, Princess Peach, I'll make this quick

I'm ruining princesses faster than your Daisy did.

I was in The Martian, yeah, well you're a huge bitch,

So hit that blue switch and stop driving your kingdom through a ditch!

I've got critical acclaim and fame so show restraint

Or else when Bowser comes along into his arms you'll just faint!

Winning Academy Awards back since I was 27

You ain't a tough gal, I'll rob you like it's Ocean's Eleven

I'll use that star in your brick to light up your and your buddies,

Then Jason Bourne your ass and take the kingdom's money

Then, maybe they find your games dry from sucking Nintendo like a leech

This is Damon rapping, and I'm capping this princess, ca-Peach?

Princess Peach
Argh, Saving Private Ryan brought you adulation

But I'm gonna beat you harder than the Normandy invasion,

When you're rated worse than Happy Feet Two's abomination,

So prepare to see the might of the entire Mushroom Nation!

Forty guns on Bowser's airship, your stunts can't stop it,

I'll bootleg all your films and sell 'em back at a profit!

'Cause I'm a Nintendo legend and I'm sweet as a peach,

You're a dumb shit whose films make me want to drink bleach!

Matt Damon
Come on, they tied your ass up, and dumped you in World 8!

It was a plumber, not you, who made your better games great.

I mean your boss fights  end with so many Toads,

We know not to expect you till the end of the road!

I'm an MC actor, why's it me that you're confronting?

I'm so charitable, call me Goodwill... Hunting.

Now excuse me, I'm late to get to Clooney's cruise,

Tell the Mushroom Kingdom this Peach just got bruised!

Poll
Who won? Princess Peach Matt Damon