User blog:TKandMit/Captain America vs Ulysses S. Grant. Epic Rap Battles of Heroes and Villains Off-Season



First thing’s first: fuck fireworks.

Second matter of business: welcome to the fourth installment of Epic Rap Battles of Heroes and Villains off-season. The last one of these we had was back in December for Christmas, and damn was it sucky. Over an entire half-year later, we finally return to one that will hopefully make up for that mess. As most of you know, today is an important day for America, blah blah blah, history history history, no one cares, let’s get on with the battle. Two “Civil War” fighting, blue-cladded leaders engage in battle as the Avengers’ Captain America - military conditioned super soldier - takes on Union general and the 18th President of the United States, Ulysses S. Grant.

Originally, I was going to have Trixter write for Cap for old time’s sake, but she had to drop out of it due to creative complications. #TKandMystical one day. Luckily, I was able to gather Flats to write for him on very, very short notice, and was able to provide a really good verse for him. I really resort to Flats in this series a lot, don’t I? That might be foreshadowing to something.

Anyway, enough drabble. If you’re American, enjoy yourself and have a great day - if not, still enjoy yourself and have a great day. Oh and also enjoy the battle, yeah.

Cast
Travis Ahlquist as Captain America

EpicLLOYD as Ulysses S. Grant

Nice Peter as Union soldiers (speaking cameos)

Introduction
Epic Rap Battles of Heroes and Villains!



Versus!



Begin!

Captain America:
Attention! You’ll be regretting stepping to me like history to your presidency,

Dreamt by Lee, you’re no friend of Steve’s; I won’t make this Point Pleasantly.

You called your own brothers your enemy to set the colored men free,

Despite your empathy, natives still got wrecked by your white supremacy!

I’m flyer than a Falcon, dropping these disses down on you in bulk,

Compare our forces: you’ve got rusty dolts and dusty Colts. We have a Hulk.

The Avengers Assembled the hit franchise that’s looking hopeful

To break the box office harder than what you did to the Oval!

Ulysses S. Grant:
Letter to Abraham: I need to confront the runt who wants to squabble with me

So the real war’s put on hold; I’ve already beaten Robert E. Lee.

Now you started storming into Red Skull’s bases: shooting up,

But you never could have done it if weren’t for shooting up,

Became the military’s baby: their flag posing posterchild

Meanwhile, I’m keeping the country together since the Union riled!

So you want to see a Civil War in a hit of a motion picture?

Then I’ll bitch slap the Uncle Sam who couldn’t finish Adolf Hitler.

Captain America:
Yes, I’m ‘roided up - but that makes me a far better soldier than this Federal

Meddling with degenerate confederates. Or should I say liberals in general?

You want to talk errors of judgement; warring with me is just another failure.

Just like quashing the Ku Klux Klan; you can’t be everyone’s savior.

Yes, you freed some slaves. Yes, you beat the South.

And yes, you made your grave. Will you please shut your drunken mouth?

I fight with Iron, siccing Ants onto Spiders - I can handle this private fighter.

But you won’t be striving to survive this one, Hiram...



Ulysses S. Grant:
Double crosses, sleeper agents and spies on my battlegrounds?

I don’t think so. Every Yank knows that we don’t fuck around!

(Oh!) Ten-hut! (Sir, yes sir!) See my men, saluting me? There at no ease, son!

In fact, men, raise your rifles! (Sir, yes sir!) Fire at Steve for committing treason!

Can’t hide behind your shield! I won’t let you back in the sequel!

I succeeded from seceding! You couldn’t get Bucky past your own people!

And of course I side with Tony, your style’s the one that truly Stank!

So you can call yourself Captain, but your morals are really rank.

Who won?!

Who's next?!



Who won? Captain America Ulysses S. Grant

Hints: Decoded
Grant Imahara: Name hint, refers to Ulysses S. Grant.

Steve Jobs: Name hint, refers to Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America.

Hiro Hamada vs Tony Stark: Hiro is crossed out, signifying Tony Stark's lack of opponent. In Captain America: Civil War, Stark's main antagonist is Captain America himself.