User blog:HOW DARE YOU/Andrew Ryan vs Cave Johnson

Hello again! (Unless you've never read anything I've done before this point, to which I say simply say Hello!) I've decided to do these whenever I can, but not to the point where they come out as EXTREMELY forced. So if there is a longer hiatus between these things: there's the reason why. Also, because I've been noticing a lot of people, once they see just the name of it, initially think it's going to be bad. And so, because of this I'm going to be calling these things that I do the "IMPROBABLE Rap Battles of Historyyyy."

Plus, after I looked at a list of combonations I wanted to do, I realized that the actual ERB group (and probably some people on this site) would probably not even bother with these because they are a bit of an odd-ball pairing. They are related, don't get me wrong! But they're just...less likely to be seen a whole lot. (For example I was thinking about Po vs Bruce Lee because they both had the word Dragon in their own subtitle. (By the way, I'm probably not gonna do that one mainly because I can't write Bruce Lee's part.))

BUT ANYWAYS, let's get down to the least improbable battle I've come up with. Andrew Ryan, the leader of Rapture whose community fell around him vs Cave Johnson, the lemon throwin' CEO of Aperture Industries whose work slowly decayed until it became the hole in the ground we see in Portal. Both men achieved great success before their empires crumbled. And now they fight. (No real story for this one except for maybe they're rapping against eachother through a portal.)

Feel free to comment below as well and tell me what you think, what I could've done better, anything! Also, I apologize for the spacing in the rap. I'll be working on a way to fix it.

BEAT: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AC0dT4tHvc

(By the way, if you're gonna be listening to the beat, you're gonna have to jump around a bit. The song changes too much to just let it play, so I put down different times next to four points in the rap. It sounds better and more consistent this way, I think. But if you just want to wing it, feel free. (Also, I realize it's more Portal like than Bioshock like, but it was the only beat that kind of fit that wasn't too small))

(0:00)

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMPROBABLE RAP BATTLES OF HISTORYYYY!

ANDREW RYAN

VS

CAVE JOHNSON

BEGIN!

(0:16) RYAN: My name Andrew Ryan, and I’m here to ask you a question.

Who the hell do you think you are to challenge me to ANY competition?

No Gods, No Kings, Just Man! That’s what I’ve always televised.

         And with that philosophy I built a Metropolis that thrived!



I’m a scholar and a genius who was ahead of his time,

        You’re just a so-called “chief”-exucutive who went insane and died!



When people doubted my beliefs, I chose to make Rapture!

          When people doubted you, you basically destroyed Aperture.



You’re the very definition of what a Parasite is,

     Using other men’s inventions to further widen your OWN business.



You disgust me. If I could I would drill a hole in you like a Big Daddy.

         So Cave, go ahead and fuck yourself...would you kindly.





<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

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<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">(1:30) CAVE: Cave Johnson here, and welcome to Aperture Science!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">        You’re here because I was told you were the best. But I’m not buying it.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">Anyways, let’s get started, the lab boys made this thing they call ‘Repulsion Gel’,

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">      I’d explain it to you, but judging by your town, I think you know repulsion well.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">I mean, don’t get me wrong, Rapture was a solid theory on paper,

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">        But you forgot that you need to treat your workers just as high as those you conceive as stronger!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">By the way, Caroline has been talking and that gem’d like an answer.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">         What kind of freakshow are you to act all pedo with those Little Sisters?!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">I’m the man who’s redefining science from basic physics to dimensional travel.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">        Talk to me again when you’ve got some invention to compare with our Portals!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">You’re a waste of Space, if you were working for me, I’d fire you on the spot

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">    But after what Jack did with that golf-club, I think I’ll just leave you there to rot.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> <p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">RYAN: You may make great inventions on the backs of your underpaid test subjects,

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">     But I expand the minds of all those who truly crave it.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">I don’t need any inventions when I’ve got the Great Chain on my side.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">      We strive for a better tomorrow for all! One free of parasites.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">And yet you are spewing insults at me, even when it’s unnecessary.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">   Because you lack in your own ingenuity Cave, you fear the visionary!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">There are times for everything: a time to live and a time to die.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">      But if you ask me, you final breath was a good 30 years past its time!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">We all make choices, but in the end our choices make us.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">       I know what that makes me, but you? I’m not thinking much.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">You put your beloved Caroline on a computer, forcing her test ‘till the end of days.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">    She might have went in with a choice, but in the end she became a slave.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">(2:44) CAVE: WHAT’D YOU JUST SAY? I’LL INCINERATE YOUR SECOND RATE ATLANTIS!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">       I’VE GOT THE BEST LAB BOYS ON THE PLANET, PUNK. JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">You’ve got a lot of nerve to start this shit-talk with me,

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">         Y’know, I think it’s high time you had another Burial at Sea!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">Rianofki, you’re the warden of an asylum down under,

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">     Containing the only survivors of a Civil War that you blundered.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">Killed by your own son and in your own office,

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">      I’d say it was tragic, but let’s be honest.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">You had that moment coming for a very long time,

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">   After you treated your poor like dogs and took out any opinion that you didn’t like!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">Just a heads-up: I’ve been droppin’ lemon bombs since I’ve appeared.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">          'Just beat ya, call me Big Daddy! I’m Cave Johnson. We’re done here.

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

VOTE WHO YOU THINK WAS THE BETTER ONE IN THE POLL THING BELOW OR COMMENT IF YOU WANT YOUR SPECIFIC VOICE HEARD. I'LL PROBABLY RESPOND TO YOU. 90% OF THE TIME. VOTE HERE Andrew Ryan Cave Johnson