J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin



J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin is the fifty-ninth installment of Epic Rap Battles of History and the first episode of Season 5. It features A Song of Ice and Fire author, George R. R. Martin, rapping against The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit author, J. R. R. Tolkien. It was released May 2nd, 2016.

Cast
Nice Peter as J. R. R. Tolkien

EpicLLOYD as George R. R. Martin and Mikey Walsh (cameo)

Ceciley Jenkins as Daenerys Targaryen (cameo)

Ricky Mammone as Hodor (cameo)

Rudy Fermin as Jon Snow (cameo)

Joey Greer as a human warrior and an Orc (cameos)

Sulai Lopez and Shaun Lewin as High Elves (cameos)

Dante Cimadamore as Led Zeppelin (cameos)

The Eye of Sauron (animation, cameo)

Lyrics
[Note: George R. R. Martin is in light blue, J. R. R. Tolkien is in brown , and Jon Snow is in dark gray .]

George R. R. Martin:
Brace yourself!

Gather up your trolls and your soldier elves ,

And your Ents and your Orcs, and your Wargs and your Stings,

Your dwarves and Glamdrings, 'cause there's a new literary Lord in the Ring!

My readers fall in love with every character I've written!

Then I kill 'em! (Ahhh!) And they're like, "No, he didn't!"

All your bad guys die and your good guys survive!

We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five!

Tell your all-seeing eye  to find some sex in your movies!

(Yeah!) Ditch the Goonie  and cast a couple boobies!

There's edgier plots in that David the Gnome!

Your hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne!

J. R. R. Tolkien:
Kings, Queens, dragons, dwarves,

Horses, fortresses, magic, and swords!

You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack!

You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq!

In book sales, you've got nothing to say!

I'm number one and two! You're under Fifty Shades of Grey!

I got the prose of a pro! Your shit's sub-par!

You're a pirate! You even stole my "R. R."!

(Oh!) We all know the world is full of chance and anarchy,

So, yes, it's true to life for characters to die randomly,

But news flash: the genre's called fantasy!

It's meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee!

George R. R. Martin:
I conscientiously object to what you're doing on these beats.

I'll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast!

You went too deep, Professor Tweed-pants!

We don't need the backstory on every fucking tree branch!

J. R. R. Tolkien:
I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme !

You LARPed your Santa Claus -ass through Vietnam!

And it's hard for me to take criticism on clothes

From a dude who sends a raven to say "hi" to his toes!

George R. R. Martin:
Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke!

My show's the hottest thing on HBO!

I'm rock and roll; you're a nerdy little nebbish,

And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy-foot fetish, dog!

Even the names of your characters suck:

You got Boffers and Bofurs and Brandybucks!

I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks!

Lift up my gut and tea-Baggins my nuts!

J. R. R. Tolkien:
C. S. Lewis and I were just discussing

How you and Jon Snow …both know nothing!

Because the backstory of my box office is billions!

Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions!

And I'm more rock and roll than you've ever been!

Don't believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin !

You can't reach this fellow! Shit, I'm too Towering!

(Ooh!) Every time I battle, it's Return of the King!

General

 * This battle is the first season opener where neither rapper is fictional.
 * Frederick Douglass and Gordon Ramsay can be seen in the Behind the Scenes screen in the outro.
 * During George R. R. Martin's second verse, the computer he uses is playing the game Zork 1: The Great Underground Empire.
 * This is the fifth battle to feature a video game in the background, after Einstein vs Stephen Hawking, Doc Brown vs Doctor Who, Ghostbusters vs Mythbusters, and Deadpool vs Boba Fett.

Production

 * The cover art for this battle is the first one to have the rappers in front of the "VS", not behind it.

Errors

 * Jon Snow can be seen on his back unmoving in the background during the line, "Your bad guys die and your good guys survive!", but disappears during the line, "Ditch the Goonie, and cast a couple boobies!", before reappearing during the line, "Your hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne!"
 * Ceciley Jenkins' name is misspelled in the credits of the Behind the Scenes video as "Cecily Jenkins".
 * Multiple candle flames are seen bugging out in The Great Hall. Most noticable during the line, "by page and age five", the left candle is uneffected while the middle and right flame have a weird rendering bug.