User blog:WonderPikachu12/Ridley vs Ron Jeremy. Epic Rap Battles: Video Games vs History Off-Season



This is a silly battle I've been wanting to do for a while now, main antagonist Ridley of Metroid against famous porn star Ron Jeremy, two bad dudes associated with sexy women (I just know Flats is going to love this bit) who are known for being "big". A very joke-ish match-up that I had fallen in love with quickly, and I had too much fun writing it. It's a giant space pirate dragon against a porn star, what's not to love? Hopefully you enjoy it as much as I did writing it. Wanted to do a real villain off-season during the span of Season 3, and hoping to do a couple more before the season is done, too, namely Polybius vs Polybius and Kaos vs Dr. Evil.

Anyways, enjoy!

PROLOGUE:

Bowser tapped impatiently on his throne's armrest. It had been too long since another two below suddenly broke out into a fight and the Koopa King was getting restless. He was ready to speak up, slamming a fist down onto his throne, when suddenly a screech was heard.

"HEEEYYY, GUYS!" In comes Ridley, struggling as he pulls himself through the portal the Magikoopa had opened. Both of them were knocked to the side as Ridley finished emerging, his tail whacking into them and knocking them onto their back, the portal dispating as a result. "Sorry I'm late! Apparently, my invitation got lost in the mail, but no worries I'm here now!" Ridley announced as he stepped into the main throne room everyone was gathered in, having to really duck down to avoid the hallway ceiling before standing up to his full height. He was massive, towering high above everyone in the room. He waved a piece of parchment, easily recognizable to everyone in the room as one of the letters Bowser had sent out.

Bowser was in absolute shock, before uttering a low groan as he facepalmed. "Fucking... Ridley, look. There's...there's been a misunderstanding. You..."

"I know, I know," Ridley assured as he approached Bowser. The castle room quaked with every step the space pirate took, the crowd of guests growing uncomfortable. "But it's alright, everything is alright! I have my letter, and we can-"

"No. I mean... I didn't send you a letter!" Bowser had intended for that to be a low grumble under his breath, but his aggrivation forced it out as practically a shout.

Ridley paused, blinking a bit in shock. That couldn't be right, could it? Of course Bowser had sent him a letter! "...I'm not following."

"I never sent you a letter. You must have received that by mistake. I didn't invite you. You aren't supposed to be here. Please leave."

"B-but why? Why the FUCK not?!" Ridley snarled, stomping a foot on the ground and shaking the castle further.

"TH-THAT'S WHY!" barked the king, trying to keep himself steady. "You are a massive beast who doesn't realize the damage he causes. You're powerful, but you're reckless and I can't have that."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying..." Bowser inhaled sharply, before exhaling, calming himself. "...you're too big, Ridley."

Ridley was taken aback incredibly by this. It certainly wasn't the first time he'd been told this, and it certainly wasn't the first time he wasn't allowed to enter a massive tournament of fighters from all different sorts of universes, but to hear it from Bowser himself?

"Magikoopas, open the portal please. And, try to make it a bit bigger to accomidate for our...guest, here," Bowser ordered down the hall.

Ridley didn't even say anything thereafter. He simply turned and stormed off back towards the Magikoopa. He ducked down, and pushed himself through the portal, stumbling through and...finding himself in a bedroom. The sound of a woman screaming was the first thing he'd hear, and Ridley was taken by surprise. He jolted upwards, hitting his head on a ceiling directly above him. "Well fuck, that hurt," Ridley groaned, rubbing the top of his head as he looked down to see a naked hairy man lying in bed before him, the woman that accompanied him having already fled out of the room. "...oh, uh, hey there."

"...I must say, you're...big."

Ridley blinked, glancing the man over, his eyes finding themselves set on the man's waist before wincing. "...uh...you, too."

(Starts at 0:00)

EPIC RAP BATTLES: VIDEO GAMES VS HISTORY

RON JEREMY

VS

RIDLEEEYYYYY

BEGIN!

 Ron Jeremy: 

(0:12)

Well alright, then, let's-a go. I'm ready to get rid of Ridley quickly!

I can get really down and dirty, but I don't make it gritty; I make it sticky.

Spitting sickly and leaving hickeys, I've got women all up in my bed.

I'll be leaving the Meta deader than your fanbase after Other M.

You keep on getting so many enhancements, but just not the ones a real man downs.

I don't condone the way you beat up women; the space pirate Chris Brown!

I'd let you trade blows with a pro, but I'm not into doing sixty-nines with queers!

The biggest joke of a villain who still can't make it into Smash Bros. after over fifteen years!

 Ridley: 

(0:38)

(ROOAAAR!) Flying in and breathing hotter than the deepest depths of Zebes,

It's Ridley, believe it or not! Here to prove who's truly the biggest and the best!

I couldn't bother watching your videos. Just the sight of you makes me sick.

"Big Daddy"? Don't make me laugh. You're fucking five-foot-six.

You went from Broadway, to a broad's legs. I only got bigger each time I came back!

You're getting old, and man, it shows! I've seen more spry over in Playboy's gramps!

A documentary? I'll dock you mentally, because now you're mine.

Grab you and snap you in half; I'll leave you broken a second time.

Ron Jeremy:

(1:04)

I ain't in no hurry. A little birdie told me you're just a grown-up Furby.

I wanna meet that Samus chick always kicking your ass. I really like my women curvy,

And badass. You know that she's the only thing keeping your series afloat.

You just make women cry. They smile when I put my ace in their hole! (Oh!)

 Ridley: 

(1:17)

We can both make Samus cry, I can assure you, but she'd cry at how ugly you are!

You aren't sexy, and you know it! For a straight porn star, you sure blow hard!

Roll the fuck off, hedgehog. No one wants to watch you waggle your balcony.

Had to drop your last name because you're just an embarrassment to your family.

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!



Who won?

Ridley

Ron Jeremy