User blog:Hippie Rat/Hippie Rat Reviews - Epic Rap Battle Parodies's M. Night Shyamalan vs Ed Wood

Hey yo hi hello

Check out ERBP altogether right here. Check out this battle specifically right here.

Happy belated birthday Justin Buckner, here's a present, since the one ERBParodies gave you wasn't a good present.

It's the director royale. And not the good one. It's the poopy one.

Alright alright, I kid. It's not a bad battle. It's actually a really fun fanmade rap battle. In fact, I still look back on this as one of my favorite ERBPs. But there are a lot of things that are trash about it.

Also, I'll be using this term a lot in this, and I think I've used it once or twice before without explaining it, so I guess I'll give you a formal definition now:

Lamedrop (n.) - a word or phrase that has no substance and mentions a person or group's work by title or by title of detail; (v.) - to mention a person or group's work by title or title of detail in a way so that it has no substance. Informal, based on the root words "lame" and "namedrop"

How did it look?
Decent. Frenzy got the Shyamalan look down. Same goes for Wood and Burton. Spielberg is almost there for the age they were going for. Imo, the older, current Spielberg is a more iconic face, but whatever, it's Spielberg, and he looks like him for the most part. Hitchcock and Jackson costumes are kinda sorta extremely ew. That Danny Elfman cameo wasn't great-looking, but isn't ERBOE's worst portrayal (his worst portrayal is easily The Rake) (and no I'm not reviewing any of his battles. The only battle that you can still kinda find online is Mario vs Link and that ones been reviewed to death so I'm just gonna leave it in the ground). Kubrick would've been fine if his beard was as much beard as his mustache was mustache, but nope it's marker. Visuals are usually alright. Backgrounds looked really amazing up to Middle Earth, then it all went down with the clip art blood splatter background on Kubrick, then was sorta revived with the bright Spielberg background but not to the standards the beginning of the battle set. Editing was on point, especially with Wood, who was walking around being his own transitions and stuff. That's some ERB-level effects right there.

Also, the entire storyboarding and planning out of this battle is pretty great at parts, disorganized at other parts. The idea of Tim Burton being a giant to M. Night and Ed Wood is clever, and had there been less distance between contributors to this video, it could've been done much better. Other random inclusions, like Stan Lee at the door (RIP DOOR) and Frankenweenie appearing to move the screen is also smart. Then most other parts are just "now go stand in front of the green screen until we have enough footage."

How were the characters characterized?
This is where the voices, acting, and general writing of character come in.


 * Shyamalan - looks perfect, sounds like Frenzy. Sure yeah it's Frenzy, but do we want "Frenzy"? Shyamalan should've been portrayed with a sort of whispery voice, and everything that he said should've been more to the point yet also trying to be symbolic. Watch some M. Night Shyamalan movies reviewed by Nostalgia Critic for a good idea on how his characters (including himself in most of his movies) are written. Also, you gotta move around a bit. Shyamalan's just standing there in his verse, save for the twerking, which doesn't fit in the video, altogether kinda boring.


 * Wood - looks stellar, sounds like a dude that the looks fit for. I haven't seen Ed Wood, his movies, or the Burton movie about him, so I'm not familiar with him as a character, but knowing that it starts off as "bad director" vs "bad director", Wood was portrayed as an overzealous flamboyant director who wants big and amazing. I was gonna complain about why Michael Bay wasn't one of the bad directors in the beginning of the battle, but I enjoy having flamboyant vs quiet, overly subtle vs presumptuous, etc. Ed Wood is probably a more fun character in place of Bay for what was trying to be accomplished. Plus it segways to Burton, who is cool.


 * Burton - looks fucking amazing, sounds like...the wrong interpretation of Burton's voice to use. Burton should have much less of a nasally voice and more of a resonating "posh" voice. Think "The Californians" from Saturday Night Live, but more ominous in a way. Watch any interview with him and you might be able to tell what I'm getting at.


 * Hitchcock - sounds fucking amazing, looks like...Froggy's Charles Darwin, it's just that the eyebrows finally fell off for good. RIP Froggy's cotton ball eyebrows. I also don't know what Froggy's mannerisms in acting as Hitchcock are. They're very "matter of fact" in a casual, almost childish way, while Hitchcock was "matter of fact" in a suuuuuuper serious way. Fix that. I guess that's just the biggest gripe: act more like Hitchcock, not a guy with a horrid Hitchcock costume. He looks like 100 lbs, Hitchcock is famously giant-gutted. Kudos to Stoff though, awesome voice work.


 * Jackson - He's the "Zander isn't taking this royale seriously" character for this royale. It's kind of a staple of ERBParodies. "We're doing a rapper royale" "okay I'll be Kid Rock." "We're doing creepypastas" "okay allow me to put some stuff on my face and move my jaw erratically." "We're doing supermarkets" "I'll be the silly-sounding one and I'll render myself poorly." "We're doing directors" "ooh I see you got some of the best directors of all time, I'm gonna throw in the fucking Lord of the Rings guy in the middle of it, what's next?" "I'm afraid to tell you..." Costume is weird but whatever, voice is idk what you're even trying to do, writing is what's happening who are you why are you here.


 * Kubrick - good portrayal. We got the perfectionist who just saw a bunch of shit and is super pissed that it was shit. Nice job save for the break in the beat that you decided to rap a line on and disjointed the beat by half a couplet for the rest of the verse. Also try not to use takes of Justin reapplying the mustache. Now send me whoever wrote the verse so I can scalp him. Why? I'll explain later.


 * Spielberg - now why is he so fucking grumpy. He sounds like a troll who took one of those naps that left him waking up in a cold sweat and realized he slept right through the three billy goats gruff crossing. Video portrayal is alright for the version of Spielberg you're going for, but the acting is pretty stiff.

Who the fuck wrote this
"This battle wrote itself."

- Mat4yo, when talking about a shitty battle

Seriously, this battle comes from such a time of disarray in ERBP's history that they didn't even follow who wrote the damn thing. If you go to the description it just says "Written by: ?" Okay yeah this isn't an uncommon occurrence in ERBP's history, but that doesn't mean it isn't stupid.

So here are every fuck lyrics

M. Night Shyamalamadingdong:

Welcome to The Village; Shyamalan's about to bring some lyrical gore,

(Titles. Movie titles galore. Don't worry, there's more movie titles to come. You're in for a fun time here. Also can I just mention "lyrical" and "verbal" in these battles? It kinda feels like a cop out in writing rap. Like "I'll figuratively kill you with words." In this case it's "Shyamalan will figuratively tear apart Wood with words." It's cliché. Notice there's like only two kinds of instances ERB would use terms like that: season 1 when their writing wasn't as developed, and later seasons when only more childish or nonviolent characters would say it (i. e. Bill and Ted and Jim Henson). In the fanmade community it's just sorta dropped anywhere. Also it's filler that has nothing to do with Shyamalan nor Wood as neither are notable for their use of gore in movies.)

You got no talent, Eddy, go back to fighting in the war.

(Kinda going off my previous line breakdown, everything in these battles are formulaic. We want battles that aren't formulaic. You ever notice how battles that stick to a very specific formula are never remembered like others? In this battle everyone has 8 lines. Everyone is limited to that. Spielberg vs Hitchcock had a strange charm in how not everyone was limited to a specific amount of lines and everyone just went off for however long they felt was necessary. Whatever. Here, we have a "stock diss." Basically, a diss that you hear anytime someone doesn't have enough material to diss them (even though he totally does, the writers are just being lazy) and they happen to fit in a demographic. It usually isn't worded cleverly and is just "Fun fact: this guy did this." Things like "go back to fighting in the war," "stop killing people, you serial killer," "why did you do this thing? Is it because you're stupid?" Also, being a war vet is something that isn't diss worthy, it's boast worthy. Like "I'd rather be back in the war than going against this douche." The wrong person mentioned war.)

Call me Oliver, because, well, I'm full of plot twists.

(...................................no. Like just no. No no nonononono no. 1. You made a reference to the steam-pressed garbage that was Oliver Twist vs Richie Rich. 2. You had Shyamalan boast something that he should be dissed for. 3. You just said that it's something Shyamalan does instead of trying to cleverly incorporate it into the battle. 4. You made a reference to Richie Rich vs Oliver Twist like omg that battle was shit. I'll get to that battle some other time but wow. Remember when James Bond made a callback to Skrillex's verse in ERBP's Bond vs Powers? It's like that but it fits slightly more but still doesn't at all. Like this fits in zero, that fit in -1. Real talk, callbacks to other battles in a battle that isn't a sequel or a battle of the series' creators and stuff is a lame, kinda battle-ruining gimmick that takes away the immersion of watching this. No Oliver Twist in this pls and thank.)

Nobody likes your shit, at least I've actually made some well-known flicks.

(Troll 2, The Room, Foodfight, The Last Airbender, and even Ed Wood's own Plan 9 From Outer Space all fall under the category "well-known flicks." Yes they all suck but they're well-known. So having a well-known flick does not immediately mean bragging rights. Get less vague bro.)

Your films are just fake and dull while my films are Unbreakable.

(You're getting there with those lyrics. Sure it's a title pun but the cool rhyme scheme is cool. Unbreakable isn't quite the right word though. "You can't break my movies"? That don't make sense. "Unbreakable"? More like "uncomprehendable.")

Your name is lost among others while M. Night's just unmistakeable.

(Rhyme filler. Also what is this line saying? Ed Wood is a more generic name than M. Night Shyamalan? Or are you talking body of work? M. Night has a specific style that isn't mistakeable for someone else's while Ed Wood was just one of those guys making the same old 50's monster movies? Get less vague bro.)

My sixth sense is telling me I'm gonna leave your ass beat.

(Lamedropping titles more and more as we go on. Like literally I think the density of movie title puns rises and rises until Spielberg is nothing but movie title puns. Other than that filler cliché overused stuff blah blah blah you understand.)

Just like your dresses you should've never crossed me.

(And finally a reference to Ed Wood crossdressing. Whatever. It's not all that clever. It's just "here's the first part of the word and now I put it over there." Wood's not teased for his crossdressing, it's just pointed out. Ed Wood's crossdressing was teased more in Tim Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (I'm not kidding, look it up.).)

Woody from Toy Story:

I'll pull the string, release the buffalo herd, and banish you to Khaskhabar.

(Eh, it's alright. I find it weird that pulling a string releases an entire buffalo herd assumed to be stampeding to a point where they end up dragging M. Night with them to an Indian-sounding place (that my research has led to nothing but a Hindi news broadcasting site). I find it even weirder if those are supposed to not be connected phrases. Whatever.)

Shove your curry down your throat for more than ruining Avatar.

(And what is that? What is that "more"? Just gonna mention one mistake and hint at all the others? Okay sure, but fuck you for doing so.)

I figured with a sixth sense you would know when to stop,

(Actually, no, he only knew that he was going to beat your ass. Real talk this line is super funny for its figurative meaning and literal meaning. On one hand, M. Night would know to stop making movies because he has a sixth sense and can see the future and knows he won't make many good movies after his first couple, on the other, M. Night should've just stopped while he was ahead and had made the good movie that was Sixth Sense. Really great line here.)

Hell, you made so many flops you should seek a job at IHOP.

(This line kinda plays off the previous line, kind of an explanation. "By the way, when I said he should stop, I didn't just mean the rap battle, I meant with his entire directing career." But honestly I don't see where IHOP fits in. Sure, pancakes flop, but fuck it, ERB made a pancakes flop joke already. IHOP doesn't connect to M. Night or Ed Wood, and if it does, please tell me now so I can be happy that this line exists.)

I see dead people, and they're all of your fans.

(Granted, M. Night's fans didn't die, they just stopped being his fans. Sure "M. Night's fans died out" makes sense but the wording here just doesn't do that. Also, in a battle of two directors with entire careers, one movie by one of those guys has made up 23% of the lyrics so far.)

I have a sinister urge to kick your ass to space, that's my ninth plan!

(Nah. Like just nah. This isn't good. It's just stuffing in puns in a weird way for filler. Kindly fuck off with this.)

You criticize my work, I'll have to fight M. Shyamalan!

(Jesus Christ he turned from such a formidable foe into a pissy twit in 0.34 seconds. What the fuck just happened? Is this the characterization of Wood you figured you should be doing? Then why are you JUST NOW being that character with TWO LINES LEFT IN THE VERSE?!)

Now get the hell off my set before it's time for lights, camera, action!

(I've looked at this line from every angle. What the fuck did Mat4yo say when he was recording this? I've slowed this down and replayed it on a loop. I can't fucking hear "Now get the hell off my set." I hear something like "Now pump up the gas." Yeah it makes no sense but that's what it sounds like. Also, this line just sucks? It's bullshit filler director stuff that doesn't fit in well? Fuck off with this perhaps?)

The Clogged Nasal:

Shut the hell up, Wood, you're only known because of me.

(I guess now is a good time to address this: every rapper needs a reason to enter the battle in this. This is why limiting everyone to an eight line verse is stupid, because now one eighth of everyone's verses have to be spent explaining why what the previous dude said made them want to enter the battle, and another eighth has to be used saying something that makes someone else enter the battle. So basically, don't limit everyone to eight-line verses, and don't make everyone need a reason to be in the battle, and suddenly there's so much more room for activities.)

I'm the grittiest, darkest, demented director that you'll ever see.

(Decent line save for the lack of the word "most" in front of "demented". Sums up the character of Burton decently otherwise.)

I'll cut you up like Scissorhands and slice you like Sweeney,

(These are just lamedrop threats. But don't worry, it pays off.)

And when I'm done, there'll be no one to see you up like Frankenweenie.

(Boom, couplet saved. This actually makes the whole movie title puns worth it in this instance because it creates a run-on scenario with buildup and a punchline. It feels more like he's dedicated to actually hacking up Ed Wood and making sure he can't be stitched back up. Good one.)

Shyamalan, be quick and get gone, give us Signs you won't come back,

(The flow on this was weird. A bit too mushed up. Lamedropping.)

I'll kick your ass so fast with a Danny Elfman soundtrack!

(It's cool how we're getting references to common motifs in these directors' movies, but referencing it is all it does, it's not clever at all. Are you calling Danny Elfman's songs really fast? Are they? They're typically kinda slow and ominous in Burton's work. Sometimes it picks up like the "What's This?" song and the Oompa Loompa songs but that isn't really the Burton-Elfman norm.)

'''Willy Wonka? Dark! Pee-wee Herman? Dark! Johnny Depp is my bitch!'''

(Burton didn't make Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but whatever, he's the Johnny Depp in that one so I guess it makes sense to mention him in a Johnny Depp line. Except no? Pee-wee Herman? He's not Johnny Depp? So why mention Johnny Depp? Also, Pee-wee's Big Adventure wasn't dark in itself, just certain elements were dark (but I guess those are the only parts of the movie that matter to the edgy twelve-year-old that probably wrote that line).)

Why don't you two step out of film and suck my black-and-white dick?!

(Woah, let's not get race involved here unless it's a joke about Indians. Also, this line is "leave, THEN suck my dick." Gonna be difficult to suck your dick when they're not in the location anymore, huh?)

Michael Caine:

'''Black-and-white dick? How about you suck a Hitchcock?'''

(Obligatory "I'm entering the battle" line. Sure it's a sorta funny pun but it doesn't do anything but bring in Hitchcock.)

The Master of Suspense has come to show you what he's brought.

(As has everyone else. I've also come to show you what I've brought. So has Burton. Has anyone else come to show us what they've brought? Everyone? WELL THEN LITTLE TIMMY WHY DON'T YOU COME UP TO THE FRONT OF THE CLASS AND SHOW EVERYONE WHAT YOU BROUGHT FOR SHOW AND TELL!)

I'm a killer on the mic, might as well call me Psycho.

(Psycho =/= killer. These rhymes are fucking profound.)

Your makeup may be white but you aren't so bright though.

(GTFO. Like just get out. You obviously have nothing worthwhile to say, so, with all due respect, get the fuck out of here. Whose makeup is white? Burton's? Is that referring to how pale his characters are? Is it that one guy who needed white makeup in Burton's Ed Wood movie? What the fuck are you talking about? Not to mention, "but you aren't so bright though" is a lame-ass insult. "You're less smart than average! Hehehehe!" Fuck you.)

Ugh.

(I felt it worthwhile to include this, as whoever mixed the audio found it worthwhile to include this break in the beat in the final cut that Stoff decided not to fill with empty silence. Kudos to Stoff for not making it awkward, fuck the audio mixer for giving him the option to make it awkward.)

I'm suffering from my vertigo and the fact that you're all employed.

(Worst kind of lamedrop: not giving context to the term from the title you're lamedropping so it seems like you don't know what it is. It seems like you looked at the first few words of the definition of vertigo (a sensation of whirling or loss of balance) and didn't even notice the rest of the definition (associated mainly with looking down from a great height), and so he just has random "standing there doing nothing" vertigo. Spielberg did it right by making a scenario where the great height giving him vertigo is him being on top of his game. This doesn't do that. Also, "the fact that you're all employed," rhymezone much?)

Alfred Hitchcock Presents: Three Amateurs Get Destroyed.

(This is the most generic title to a hypothetical film of the other characters getting defeated ever. "HC DP's ET and Puts it on IMDb" was a better idea.)

Wood, I'll eat you like The Birds, you're a failure since birth.

(This could've been directed (lol) at anyone besides Wood, didn't have to mention his name here. Also, and Stoff you could've fixed this in recording so don't act like you're innocent here, the correct grammatical phrase is "you've been a failure since birth.")

And Shyamalan, your rhyming is worse than your movie After Earth.

("It's also worse than Last Airbender, Lady in the Water, The Village, and all the rest of your bad movies, so I don't know why I focused so much on this one, but who cares, here comes Peter Jackson for some reason.")

Because Lord of the Rings:

'''After Earth? Please, I'm the god of Middle Earth.'''

(This is where the forced entrances become really annoying. Who the fuck goes from "After" to "Middle"? "Birth of Marx" to "birthmarks" was endearing because it actually was super funny and wasn't a weird stretch. This is not funny and was a weird stretch. Also, why the Peter Jackson? He's not a "notable" director compared to many other characters. You guys left out Martin Scorsese, Quentin Tarantino, I would've even found Clint Eastwood, Wes Anderson, George Lucas, Francis Ford Coppola, or Woody Allen more fit to be in this battle than the guy who directed Lord of the Rings and that King Kong movie.)

And my movies make more money than all four of you are worth.

(Is this why? Is this why Peter Jackson is in this? Because geez if you're looking for "director with high-grossing movies," James Cameron would've also worked. Also, why does everyone address how many people they're going against? "Why don't you two..." "Three Amateurs..." "..than all four of you..." Why is this a thing?)

If you think that you could stand a chance against me, you're terribly wrong,

(For the next few sentences I will be saying nothing. It's not going to accomplish anything in your life except waste your time. If you're wondering why I'm doing it, I'm afraid you will not be given an answer here, mainly because I'm too lazy to give you one, just as I was too lazy to put anything of substance in this paragraph.)

Because in not too long, I'll make you fall harder than King Kong.

(This is just a reference. There's no joke.)

I've seen all of your works and it makes me Braindead.

(There are two, count 'em, two grammatical mistakes in this line. If you introduce yourself as having already seen their works, then THEY! MADE! you braindead. Or are you actually fucking braindead and you can't understand elementary school English anymore? Also, lamedrop.)

I might just die of renal failure like Alfred.

(This might be the most mundane, pointless, unimportant piece of trivia I have ever learned. Fastest way to kill a party is pop out the fun facts and drop the "Alfred Hitchcock was killed by renal failure" bomb. Seriously, who mentions a specific cause of death in a rap battle unless it's actually really notable, like Frederick the Great or Rasputin? Is Peter Jackson a doctor? I know he has a fair idea about human anatomy on accounts of thems Dead Alive guts but is it okay for him to be going around making these diagnosis and stuffs? Just fucking say kidney failure if you're going to say this bullshit you Wikipedia-scrolling putz.)

'''You shall not pass. I've already gained my victory.'''

(Does victory = passing? Or are these just separate topics? If that's the case, fuck you for not giving a shit about the writing of the penultimate line in the verse that didn't belong here.)

Hell, I make nerds wet their pants more than Stan Lee.

(Because verse transitions. Peter Jackson was told before he started rapping that he would have to prepare a finisher that would introduce Stanley Kubrick to the battle, and he just couldn't come up with anything good so he was like "uh..stan...lee..." Seriously there's no reason to mention Stan Lee. He's not a director, he's not even a book writer that could in any way relate him to J. R. R. Tolkien and by extension Peter Jackson.)

The Artist Who Better Fucking not be Known as Prince:

'''Stanley? Haha! No.'''

(What? Like, okay, kudos for not wasting an actual rapping line on your reason for entering the battle, but what even is this? Are you asking if Peter was calling out Stan Lee to be in this battle but was like "no no no, there's a different Stanley who's out to get you"? I don't get it.)

'''Here's Stanley! Gonna hit you harder than a Kubrick!'''

(Get it? Because his name has "brick" in it? And also because The Shining was THE ONLY KUBRICK MOVIE THAT ANYONE INVOLVED IN WRITING THIS BATTLE HAS SEEN?! Also I just want to point out the subtitle says "Cubric." Special thanks to DHFilms for having Stanley Kubrick hit everyone harder than a Cardiff University Brain Research Imaging Centre, you bastard. "Grrr herpederp it's just another way to spell it," well don't and just spell it correctly.)

Alfred, you can't do shit, and Burton, you just make me sick!

(Great insight on these gentlemen's movies, Mr. Kubrick, now if I might add one little thing, YOU HAVEN'T ACTUALLY SAID ANYTHING OF SUBSTANCE YET.)

Beating me will be Clockwork because I'm always Shining!

(Reminder: actual line from the battle. The definition of the phrase "clockwork" goes as follows: "very smooth, easy, and regular." Kubrick just said that it'll be easy to beat him. And so far, he ain't wrong. These rhymes suck. And also, a reference to Shining. Get used to it, it's the only material they chose to have for this battle.)

Call me the prince because I based my work off of the King!

(Fuck you. I'm sorry. No actually, I'm not sorry, fuck you. It was one fucking movie. Out of a bunch. You just unironically told me that the only thing Kubrick has amounted to is The Shining. Fuck you. Either that, or you mistakenly thought that all other Stephen King movies are works of Kubrick's, in which case, that's a common misconception that excuses you for making such a bad line I'm kidding fuck you.)

Jackson, your movies are clearly of Bad Taste.

(This is that break in the beat that Justin rapped on and threw off the beat. Remember PewDiePie vs Tobuscus 2 where this same beat was used but Nathan was smart enough to make sure to finish a couplet before the break ends? Yeah, you either do that, don't rap there at all, or you edit it out. There was plenty more of that beat where that break doesn't appear, you didn't have to deal with it at all. Also, this line is super short, so now you're making this break in the beat and your subsequent fuck up with keeping on the normal beat pacing much more apparent. Also, why the "clearly"? Space filler? Just reword it so it comes more natural instead of seeming formulaic like it is. Make it conversational. "Jackson, those bloody B-movies? Yeah, they're kinda in Bad Taste." It may sound a bit too casual but that's what would've helped make the line more humorous.)

But not as disturbing as the sight of M. Night's face!

(Eh, I would've preferred the bad taste line to be the punchline.)

I'm The Shining star of the directors, listen to what I've said!

(More Shining. Did you know Shining? Because Shining Shining Shining. SHINING SHINING SHINING SHINING!)

I'll track this mission like my name was HAL 9000 and leave you for dead!

(Wait, there must be some mistake, you just made a reference that wasn't Shining. Was that intentional? Did you mistake 2001 to be based off a Stephen King book? Is your brain in the good?)

Angry Jewish Guy:

I'm sorry, Stan, but I'm afraid I can't let you do that.

(Ohhhhhhh okay. That was just there because it's the transition to Spielberg. It could also be the transition to Michael Bay, who knows? We don't have any references to Spielberg in this transition? It might be someone else. Also, did you have to copy-paste the line from Gates vs Jobs? I know it's based off an existing quote from 2001 but that quote doesn't have the "let you," just the ERB quote. So yeah, that's just blatantly stealing a line from ERB.)

The God of Filmmaking has come to show up you wannabes!

(Kind of a blasphemous title there, Mr. Spielberg, also is that the tone you're going to stick with? Because you're sounding less like a Jewish moviemaker and more like an angry drunkard.)

My rapping's out of this world, I'm like an M.C. E.T.

(from DC in the ex-CCCP.)

Hear my roar, I'll kick you out of the park, jurassically.

(What park? Are we in a park? I thought this was a movie set? Are we at the Oscars? Did I win? No? K? Also what is a jurassically and how does one kick someone out of a park in such a way that it can be referred to as jurassically?)

I'll be adventuring like Tintin and massacring you drastically.

(I mean I didn't go and watch Tintin myself but if it's worth being compared side by side to a drastic massacre of which the likes of mine have never seen because no one has ever referred to massacres as in the sense of the action being done drastically before then I'm sure it might need to be graced upon my eyes also wtf is this rap)

I'll show some JAWS when I'm murdering with these words.

("I'll do this thing that lamedrops one of my movies while also killing you guys in ways that fill a rhyme." Seriously, that's the exact same line as the last one.)

This battle's like Private Ryan except nobody's saving you nerds!

(So the battle is like Private Ryan, the titular character that needed saving, yet it's the other directors that needed saving? Is someone going to save this battle? Because it needs it right now.)

You'll never experience this honor again so Catch Me If You Can!

(These phrases are so disjointed I'm actually having trouble figuring it out. Spielberg is challenging the others to try and catch him because they'll never experience the honor of being defeated by Spielberg again? What?)

None of you had a chance before this battle began!

(And like that, with one more filler line, it's done.)

It was bad. Like really really bad. It was not good. It was bad. Bad writing.

Bad.

Bad.

Rewrite
Now for this rewrite I'm going to fix these verses up, they really need it, but I'm also going to arbitrarily add another verse, just because I wanted to have some extra fun with this. That verse is Martin Scorsese, with Robert De Niro as his hype man. Of course, while fixing the lyrics I took out the silly verse transition requirement along with a requirement to limit how many lines could be in a verse, just so the quality isn't stinted by a necessity for everyone to enter the battle based off things other guys said and have an equal amount of raps. That doesn't mean there won't be any eight-line verses or any introduction lines, I'm just smoothing it all out and making it more natural and less formulaic. Anyway, sit back, relax, and enjoy my rewrite of ERBParodies's M. Night Shyamalan vs Ed Wood.

Announcer:

Epic Rap Battle Parodies! Ed Wood vs M. Night Shyamalan! And..action!

M. Night Shyamalan:

Good, zoom in tight on the thrill king that's Rappening,

Against the almost-dude who moved from the drive-in to the stick-it-ins.

You're weird, unusual, strange, and distant...

..Are you sure I didn't write you into existence?

I mean, I am prolific, I've written

Enough scripts to leave you shifting when you drop your toast in the kitchen.

Maybe for breakfast, you should've stuck to your strong suit,

And made some pancakes, I know you got a few more flops in you!

Your mother wanted me to tell you that she saw you dancing,

Alone in your room in her clothes, said she never heard a man sing

In such a womanlike tone, thought she raised a son, not a daughter,

But no. It isn't Glen nor Glenda. Ed Wood is actually..some kind of monster.

Ed Wood:

Oh my gosh, bitch, I didn't think it could be accomplished,

You actually outdid The Village for "M. Night's worst plot twist!"

Acts of cinematic brilliance? Please! You ain't even on par,

Maybe try to be a good director before you flaunt how good of a director you are!

Now, I'm not saying that you actually plagiarized those movie scripts,

I'm just saying they're cliché, overdone, and can all be skipped.

You can go on and brag about your big hits,

But have you seen Signs? If you keep swinging, you'll never hit big.

I'm a staple in the film industry,

You're more like Scotch tape that's stuck on the Razzies!

I'm a genius! I mean, who else can fit

Zombies, aliens, and vampires into one little flick?

Tim Burton:

Literally anyone can do it, but that doesn't mean they should be,

It's a simple concept, Eddie: quality over quantity.

What do you want from me? Some big flashy parade, Ed?

Or how about an entire movie about how much you're hated?

And don't think you're off the hook that easy, M. Night,

Ever since you slipped up, both your films and the jokes about them became trite.

The name's Tim Burton, bitches, ain't no way you can diss this,

You want a fairy tale to adapt, Shyamalan? Get back to me Before Christmas.

I put the "dark" in Dark Shadows, and the rest of my movies,

I even out-darked Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!

I'll enjoy the meat pies that Sweeney's got on you,

And I'll top it with your own cheesy plot fondue!

Say that three times fast and I'll blast your ass

With a cartoony jack whose schtick got stole in The Mask.

I'm the star of the wRap party, you ain't with me,

I been making kids uneasy since I worked for Disney.

Alfred Hitchcock:

What a laugh. You could show your work at a penny gaff and still wouldn't make cents,

Think you're eerie? Give heebie jeebies? I'll show you real suspense...

.....'Cause I'm the master! Degree of a real HC!

Beloved rotund rap machine like I'm Notorious B.I.G.

Tore "M" out the phone book, I'm leaving you lost in the slaughter,

I would've stabbed Ed Wood in the shower if I wanted to see Lady in the Water.

I'm the only director that'll scare ya when you hear a seagull squawk,

I'm sure all you wannabes wanna be hitching a ride on this-

Peter Jackson:

Cut! Hitch, buddy, you put the "auteur" in "amateur,"

Wrongfully accused of spitting fire: Saboteur!

It ain't no monkey business insisting I'm the King,

I been beating Al since the twenties, I'm the Lord of The Ring!

I have a knack for throwing a heavy bloodbath, and I got a feelin',

I'm the most beautiful thing to hail from New Zealand since New Zealand.

I'm a fantasy token, Tolkien's prodigy, with DVDs on everyone's shelf,

Banging my chest at the top of the box office, woah I'm getting Verti-go fuck yourself.

Stanley Kubrick:

And I thought Shelley Duvall was a bitch and a half to work with,

I shine! Shut your eyes! Feel the heat of a wordsmith!

Now stand at attention, maggots! Inform me how you got so bad,

Behind a clapperboard! Because all I see from you pieces of shit is lip flap!

Listen, filmmaking is a lot like chess, just..not as black-and-white,

Every single movement, every single thought, it has to be played out right.

If you don't, you get some sellout bullshit that means nothing!

Made me glad Jack D. pushed the button! Worried? No, I'm loving!

I stacked a new vision on the industry and people are still looking for the meaning,

That's where Kubrick stays away from public speaking.

Martin Scorsese:

You talking to me?...You talking to me?

Fine, it's time to settle the score.

Robert De Niro:

Says who? Says he!

Martin Scorsese:

Scorsese!

Jesus, you guys are more fucked than my protagonists,

Mofos rappin' this will end up looking like an accident.

My films are a glimpse of the past, and with that, the guilt,

I'm so influential I almost got Ronald Reagan killed!

Sorry about that one by the way,

But wasn't the rest of that movie pretty damn great?

Slow it down a bit, about to gang up on these novices with

De Niro and DiCaprio and deez nuts depressed up on your monoliths.

Got you choking with that laughter like I'm a "funny like a fuckin' clown" kind of guy,

And I'll fuck up Kubrick like his best friend did to A.I.

Steven Spielberg:

Now, Martin, you know darn well that was what Stanny envisioned,

He just doesn't do emotion and feeling, and that script should've just been written,

By someone who knows how to tell a tale of good and be personal,

Lucky for you, I got a directing bug. And it's terminal.

I made great franchises and a household name,

In showing the world how everyone's struggles brought it to what it became.

I'm inspirational, sensational, one for history to archive,

And, just 'cause I want to show we can do it, I'll make dinosaurs come alive!

That kind of thing is why we're here, any less effort than that is disgusting,

We want the audience to leave fulfilled, like they just felt something.

Now, you all have merit in your own way, so I don't want you to feel hurt,

But, and I'm going to be frank here, none of you are the next Spielberg.

Announcer:

Who won? Who's next? You Decide! Epi-! Cut! That's a wrap! Battle Parodies!

Conclusion
Yeah, again, it's not bad. You know what was a bad ERBP? L vs Light. That was actually horrid. Yeah sure I'll do a review of it. Probably won't rewrite that one though because I'm lazy and never actually watched Death Note. I just know how the battle sucked. So I'll get to that one after Dragon and Lorbes. Maybe some Justin soon too. Maybe. Anyway, see you later, have a good day.