User blog:Jella141/Steve Irwin vs Hugh Jackman - Jella's Crap Battles of Wot



So, this is a little late, but in honour of Australia Day, I present to you a crap battle of essentially every notable Australian I could think of. I'd also like to thank Hawk (Heath Ledger), Kung (Banjo Paterson), Hank (Tony Abbott), Grav (Ned Kelly), and Bran (Hugh Jackman, Mel Gibson, The Hemsworths, Iggy Azalea, and Sir Donald Bradman). I did the rest. :}

Steve Irwin:
Crikey, mate! What a coincidence, don't you reckon?

A guy who jacks off to men put 'gainst a guy called Hugh Jackman!

It's something my crocodile senses can't comprehend!

I'll squirt my shrimp juice on you and you'll love it right till the end!

How 'bout we have some fun time in my zoo?

Then I'll squat down on your chest and squeeze out a poo!

Yeah, I got stabbed a hundred times by a stingray,

But I'll make you suck my dick in over a thousand ways!

{I don't believe that's physically possible, Steve.}

Can't a dead man dream?

Hugh Jackman:
Hey, my name is Wolverine…

{No it's not!}

Shut up you cunt!

{You need to take your pills!}

I'll leave you running for the hills!

{Here, I filled up the tub…}

Don't make me snikt you, bub!

{Calm down, Mr. Jackman…} YOU AIN'T WOLVERINE'S MOM!

Ned Kelly:
Ohai, I'm Ned Kelly, and I'm a blatant homosexual!

Heath Ledger:
Do you wanna see a magic trick about pencils, you boomerang bros? I got the most cash in all, so you guys should get some more euros!

Ned, I played a better you than you so go suck my dingo!

Face it Steve, after you did a die, you are more unknown than Ringo!

Mr. Jackson, the Joker could beat your shitty claws and X-Men!

Here is 10 Things I Hate About You and I won't say it again!

So even tho I died to drugs, my legend will still live on

Because before I died, I spread my cum to all yo' moms!

Mel Gibson:
Hey there motherfuckers, the name's Mel fucking Gibson!

Fuck so many bitches, they call me Male fucking Notson!

Aren't most of you dead? What the fuck are you doing here?

All these corpses in here remind me of my fucking career!

… Seriously, man. I'm fucking depressed.

Everyone hates me now. This is getting ridiculous.

I haven't done a movie since The Beaver.

What the fuck even is The Beaver?

Did anyone see it? I didn't even see it.

Shouldn't have done Passion of the Christ.

Most expensive fucking porno in years…

{Mel… you're supposed to be rapping…}

OH YEAH, I'LL BUST A SICK VERSE!

Sicker than those FUCKING JEW FAGGOTS—

{Woah, man, not cool.}

… Sorrynotsorry…

Russell Crowe:
Aight! I’m a Gladiator on the mic,

And I put up a mighty good fight!

Got A Beautiful Mind like no other!

Fuck you harder than I fucked all of yo' mothers!

'Cause when I get the pussy, I go deep Insider!

Poppin' caps in asses like an American Gangster!

I Noah lot about movies 'cause I'm white,

And if you ain't white, then you ain't right!

Black Caviar:
Nigga, did you really just go there?!

I'll whoop your pasty white ass fair and square!

There ain't no way you'd be allowed near the hood!

And who was the bitch who let you you play Robin Hood?!

I run mother fuckin' laps for a livin'!

I spit mother fuckin' raps that are killin'! For real, and

So what if I am just a horse?!

I still get a lotta intercourse!

Chris Hemsworth & Liam Hemsworth:
Hello there brother, it appears it's time for our verse.

That is good brother. Our verse will leave you in a hearse.

We're so good at rapping. We don't even rehearse.

You will be done sex, when we are done with you. That will be a first.

Can you think of anything else that rhymes with the sound of "irs"?

How about the word "burst"? That barely rhymes, brother. Darn, I must end with a rhyme. Shirts.

We are unable to think of rhymes. Death is our punishment.

My brother, your blood is what I… thirst.

Kylie Minogue:
The closest thing to Marilyn Monroe, it's Kylie Minogue!

Oh no! I've got a Fever, so I'll take this real slow!

Woah…

…

…

…

… this

…

…

…

… is

…

…

…

… real

…

…

…

… slow…

…

…

…

Nicole Kidman:
My name's Kidman, but I ain't kiddin' man!

Nicole will fist the dickhole of any man!

I'm 'gainst beastiality, but I'd fist that horse's dickhole as well!

How do I think I'm going so far? Pretty damn well.

Before I Got to Sleep, I like to touch my self erotically!

I was married to Tom Cruise, but The Hours without sex were killing me!

Now my pussy's so good that it never fails to feed my new husband when he's hungry!

Keith Urban:
I sing country.

Iggy Azalea:
EH YO, I BUST A THICK RHYME, THICKER THAN MY ASS!

MY SKILL IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN REACH MY ASS MASS!

EH YO, I CATCH RHYMES LIKE FISH; MY ASS MASS BRINGS BASS!

CALL ME IGGY STEAL YO GURL; MY ASS MASS BRINGS BASS AND YO' LASS!

TIME FOR A RAPPIN' CHALLENGE: CAN YOU SAY ASS MASS BASS LASS FASS'?

IF Y'ALL DON'T HAVE THE TALENT, SAYIN' ASS MASS BASS LASS FASS' WILL LEAVE YOU AGHAS',

AND AFTA' YOU GETTIN' AGHAS' BY THE FASS' ASS MASS BASS LASS, THE MIC YOU WILL PASS!

'CAUSE WHEN YOU GET AGHAS' RAPPIN' FASS' THE ASS MASS BASS LASS AND HAVE TO PASS, THAT LINE WILL BE YO LASS'…

… T.

Sir Donald Bradman:
Who are you? Where am I?

I think I'm losing sight in my eye…

I can't even hold the bat anymore…

Living life is a chore…

Look at the ladies these days! All cheap whores!

… I have no fans anymore… my life is like dried shores…

Why am I still alive? Why are half of us? I heard most of you died…

I just wanna say goodbye… I'm about to cry…

Banjo Paterson:
Once a jolly swagman rapped by a billabong.

I've been along in Binalong; never heard such shit as Iggy's songs.

The Bush poet will push Crowe until he's left with scars,

And Kidman proves I'm gazing upon neverlasting stars.

The Don best not Test me; the rest best not try me.

Gibson's a drunk and no one gives a shit about Kylie.

So I'll just strum my banjo; you can sing along too.

I Mar-might even teach you to blow my didgeridoo.

Tony Abbott:
My raps are what they are, hotter than that sauce they print my name on

And global warming. Wait, SHIT! I forgot it doesn't exist; it's no phenomenon.

Doesn't matter! You're all gay! Yeah, that's an insult, right?

Choppergate you all up, then feed you to the Aborigines; maybe it'll relieve their plight.

Iggy, watch your ass; I'm coming to rape your butt because I'm a pervert.

Then when I climax, I'll talk about how great the Liberals are, then finally I'll squirt.

I was Donald Trump  before he was cool; an expert at causing discomfort.

Fuckn plz, actors, at least pretend that you're slightly butthurt.

Malcolm Turnbull:
You're a failure, Tony; I kicked you outta office 'fore your time was even up!

Why don't you sit down and learn to keep that cunt-flapped mouth shut!

I have two words for you: budgie smuggler.

Guess what? I got yo' mom's phone number!

Tony Abbott:
SIKE, THAT'S THE WRONG NUMBER!

===Steve Irwin, Hugh Jackman, Ned Kelly, Heath Ledger, Mel Gibson, Russell Crowe, Black Caviar, Chris Hemsworth, Liam Hemsworth, Kylie Minogue, Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban, Iggy Azalea, Sir Donald Bradman, & Banjo Paterson:=== OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Malcolm Turnbull:
WHAT?! NO, THAT CAN'T BE THE RESULT!

THIS IS ALL THE BRITISH'S FAULT!

Arthur Phillip:
WELL SHIT, I'M BRITISH, BUT I COULDN'T GIVE TWO SHITS 'BOUT WHAT ANY OF YOU HAVE TO SAY,

'CAUSE I ERECTED A FUCKING FLAG ON THIS PIECE OF LAND AND DECLARED IT AS AUSTRALIA DAY!

THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID ERECTED! YOU WOULDN'T BE CELEBRATIN' TODAY WITHOUT ME!

DO I HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN?! I CLAIMED THIS ENTIRE FUCKIN' COUNTRY!

MY NAME IS ARTHUR FUCKIN' PHILLIP! I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO RAP ABOUT,

SO I'LL JUST KEEP USING CAPS AND SPEAK FOR THE REST OF THIS VERSE IN SHOUTS!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

AUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Who won? Steve Irwin Hugh Jackman Ned Kelly Heath Ledger Mel Gibson Russell Crowe Black Caviar Chris Hemsworth & Liam Hemsworth Kylie Minogue Nicole Kidman Keith Urban Iggy Azalea Sir Donald Bradman Banjo Paterson Tony Abbott Malcolm Turnbull Arthur Phillip