Ted "Theodore" Logan

"I've heard better insults drop from Socrates' anus!"

- Ted "Theodore" Logan

Ted "Theodore" Logan appeared in Lewis and Clark vs Bill and Ted alongside Bill S. Preston as a part of Bill & Ted against Lewis & Clark. He was portrayed by Nice Peter.

Information on the rapper
Theodore "Ted" Logan is a high school student and native of San Dimas, California. He is one of the two central characters in the Bill & Ted film franchise. He was portrayed by American actor Keanu Reeves.

Ted is the son of working-class police officer Capt. John Logan and the older brother of Deacon Logan. Like his best friend and bandmate Bill Preston, he would rather focus on his music than his studies. Disappointed by his son's lackadaisical ways, Capt. Logan plans to ship Ted off to Oates Military Academy in Alaska if he does not improve his grades.

Unbeknownst to him and Bill, Rufus, an observer from the future San Dimas, perceives a serious threat to the culture of his era, as the small garage band holds a godlike status in his time. Due to them nearly flunking History, the two must make a presentation and get a passing grade in order to stay together and therefore continue their band, so Rufus lends them his phone-booth time-machine, similar in appearance to the TARDIS in the Doctor Who franchise.

The pair makes a wild run across history in search of help for their presentation, bringing Napoleon Bonaparte, Billy the Kid, Socrates, Sigmund Freud, Beethoven, Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Abe Lincoln to the present to give their report in a "show-and-tell" format.

Lyrics
[Note: Bill's solo lines are in  blue, Ted's solo lines are in dark red , and both of them rapping at the same time is  in regular text.]

Verse 1:
Bill's mom is hot, but that joke was most heinous.

I've heard better insults drop from Socrates' anus!

That's my stepmom, Ted! Let's keep it excellent between us,

And show these Boy Scouts how it goes in San Dimas!

We're quick when we spit like Billy the Kid with his guns,

And you'll be verbally kicked in the nut-Sacagawea puns!

A teen mom carried you and your troops?

They should have let the baby lead, and put you in the papoose,

And if those native dudes knew what white dudes were gonna do,

They woulda stopped you in Dakota! They should totally Sioux!

Why don't you go back to exploring Napoleon's old swamps?

Or you'll discover your Corps most triumphantly stomped!

Verse 2:
Man, they totally burned us. I feel like such a doofus.

What do we do? I don't know.

Rufus:
Be excellent.

Bill & Ted:
Rufus!

He's right, dude! We don't have to take this kind of abuse

From some Paul Bunyan dudes in potato sack shoes!

You rode a river one direction; we travel four dimensions,

Rescue bodacious babes, and get back for detention!

I've seen your future, Mr. Lewis, and I don't want to be rude,

But spoiler alert: You totally kill yourself, dude!

So we offer you peace with these resplendent medallions,

And we claim this battle for the Wyld Stallyns!

Trivia

 * He is the fourth/fifth fictional rapper commonly associated with time-travel, with the first three being Captain Kirk, The Doctor, Doc Brown, and alongside Bill S. Preston.
 * Ted can be seen wearing a shirt featuring the Wright Brothers and the Mario Brothers, referencing how Bill and Ted's opponents, Lewis and Clark, were portrayed by Rhett & Link, who also portrayed the Wright Brothers in Mario Bros vs Wright Bros.