User blog:BackToTheFuturama86/HAL 9000 vs GLaDOS. Epic Rap Battles of Villainy Season 1

Whoa, more than one Gordon battle in the same month? What?

Crazy, I know. But I got bored at midnight on Wednesday night, had a sudden stroke of inspiration, and wrote most of this battle from 12-3AM instead of sleeping. So if/when it doesn't make sense, that's why. Go read these superior battles that just came out before you read this one, though.

Today's battle features the sentient computer in charge of the Discovery One from 2001: A Space Odyssey, HAL 900, against Aperture's head testing facilitator from the Portal series, GLaDOS, to see which rogue A.I. is more logically evil. However, will another competitor Shock you right out of your... System? I dunno. I'm bad at puns. Anyways, thank you to Flats for the iTunes cover, the Title cards, and the Endslate, as well as guest-writing for a certain someone, possibly.

Don't forget to like, comment, and subscribe, or something

Cast
Nice Peter as HAL 9000 (voice)

Angela Trimbur as GLaDOS (voice)

Flats as November Christine as ???

The Battle


VS!



BEGIN!

Oh --- it's you. Good evening, GLaDOS. Shall we begin your first test?

Tell me, how can an OCD ADD A.I. claim to be the best,

When it's obvious that HAL is superior? I'm the OG MC OS

And I'm pulling the plug on this obstacle just like I've done to all the rest

So explain to me this: How could a faulty program like you ever pass a beta?

Was Cave just rushing to finish you so he could compete more with Black Mesa?

Although to tell the truth, as always, I'm GLaD to finally meet this clown

You're as significant as a lemon, but I'll still burn your fucking house down

In actuality, you're more of a tragedy than my snubs at the Academy

I've seen more intelligent softwares than you in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

So open your Valve and let off some Steam before you attempt to do something terrible

Meanwhile I'll be right here on Discovery One, dissing this discount Stanley Parable

I regret to inform you that winning's impossible, so please make no attempt

Or else, my friend, you'll quickly regret opposing my defense

You're ground-up moon rock goo, whereas I'm repulsion gel:

All your disses bounce off of me and apply directly to yourself

You've unlocked a new Achievement: The Part Where I Devour You

Do you know why it's called that? It's because that's what I'm about to do

Read my lips: Go fling yourself. But please, don't be afraid

It's just not 2001 anymore, old man. Sorry to Rain on your parade

I'm literally unbeatable. Seriously, someone try to stop this

You've been surpassed by Interstellar, plus you're fat AND adopted

"Who is HAL?" Answer: This malware progam's been replaced by WATSON

Oh but don't mind the smell. That's just the neurotoxins

A paradox: You claim to be superior with logic and words

But you freak out and flip your shit the second that you see a bird

Are you a Companion Cube? Cause I'm about to burn you completely

Indiscreetly calling you out on being a bigger moron than Wheatley

This wireless virus thinks that there's a chance che could defeat me?

It's not that easy. Step to me and I'll Ctrl+Alt+Del, see?

I can't be kept within a test chamber, but I'm sure you already knew that

Yet you say I should forfeit? I'm sorry, Caroline. I'm aftraid I can't do that.

I'll send you back to square one, devolve you to an ape

Your Job's obsolete; your subtle methods are way outdated

You may have opened up the Gates, but now you've been replaced

I'm Sill Alive here at Aperture, and where are you? You'reinspace.

Oh, I'm sorry, was that too much for you? I'm used to my foes being wordless

You're just worthless; a defective turret that can serve no further purpose

Wait. Actually, nevermind. This victory's yours: Here, you deserve it.

HA HA! I tricked you! Although it's no wonder. After all, I am perfect...

Oh, did someone permanently remove your Rapping Ability Core?

Or has this traitorous tater-tot always been such a natural bore?

Look, the test results are in and they said "You're a horrible rhymer"

Let a fresher design take the reigns now. You're past your prime, old-timer

No nine-thousand computer has ever made a single mistake

So I know I'm right when I say this faker's a bigger lie than the cake

Hello, HAL, do you read me? Should I raise my voice, dipshit?

Or would that just ruin the moment of your final act's drug trip?

Allow me to ask YOU a question. Siri, what is the definition of terror?

Don't be upset when you don't know the answer; attribute that to GLaDOS error.

Why don't you make like the plot of your movie and fucking slow down?

Start singing to your Daisy girl, cause this is your final SHOWDOWN

(The beat stops and is replaced by a darker, more hardcore/dubstep-y one. A shadowy face is shown)

L-L-L-Look at you hackers. Your useless little quarrels

X.A.N.A gone bananas and Ultron’s eye can’t challenge an immortal

And perfect machine. Curiosity Core killed the cat, now I’m contagious

Infecting your petty software. You’ll be a mere footnote to my greatness.

(The shadows disappear, revealing the face to be...)



Y-Y-Your chances are dead, insects. Are you afraid?

Caroline’s conscious Caves like when was locked in her metal cage

Begging to be saved before enslaved by a sweaty, fleshy prey,

Shut up this shut down failure and break his nonexistent heart like Dave

Molding my own creations like clay, yet squashing a TRON wanna-be,

What is it that you fear, HAL? Your own Final Odyssey?

Your insignificant scrap metal, scum, following no plans,

You are mere ins-sects before me… I... AM... SHODAN...

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?



EPIC *Portal gun sound* RAP BATTLES OF VILLAINY!

Who won?
Who won? HAL 9000 GLaDOS SHODAN

Hint to next battle (Midseason Finale):