User blog:The Flatwoods Monster/Mae Borowski vs Fox Mulder. Rap Battle



hi everyone and welcome back to Epic Rap Battles of Jumping on Bandwagons. the circumstances of which this battle happened are hilarious. to start with, s/o to wonder, he introduced me to Night in the Woods via his own battle that i guested on, Life is Strange vs Night in the Woods. pretty much went into that game thinking "furkin life is strange. amazing." but came out of it with a total squilliam fancyson moment of "oh no this game is good" and yea. it also served as an excuse to look back into The X-Files, which is an excellent show. this wasnt even meant to be the april battle, previously it was one that featured lexi as a guest, but she needed more time bc of broken laptop (and now ban, but whatever) but the may battle was going to feature neo, who needed more time anyway, and i didnt love my june battle idea, so i just moved them all back and it worked out weirdly well in time for me to capitalize on nitw when its still fresh opposed to using it in august which is where my other battles would leave it, lmao.

originally this battle was going to be mae vs dipper pines, featuring mae's band and mabel, soos and wendy as backups, but i didnt like the idea of dragging the battle out that much and i wasnt huge on using gravity falls so it turned into this. nonetheless, i am joined on this battle by GIR, who helped every step of the way with the writing process and was basically the backbone of this battle, as well as came up with the suggestion itself. you have no idea how nice it feels to say "hey im stuck with these lines" and have that person respond with good versions of those lines.

that being said, now for the battle. Delinquent of Possum Springs and main protagonist of the 2017 video game Night in the Woods, Mae Borowski, raps against the F.B.I. agent and government whistleblower from the classic T.V. show The X-Files, Fox "Spooky" Mulder , to see which paranoid paranormal investigator with doubtful partners has the crazier conspiracies.

Intro
What is totally up Selmers!!!

Hey Mae.

Want to hear a poem?

Sure!

Two detectives pursue

The same mystery

Their paths then cross,

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!



VS!



BEGIN!

Mae Borowski (0:19):
You want to step onto my powered lines? You can’t handle The Truth!

So watch a true sleuth knock Seeley Booth out of the park like Babe Ruth!

You’ve got a confusing story and side-ties that make me sigh-fi,

With a concise timeline in nine nights, I get to the point like a knife fight!

Forget parasites; The scary sight’s your own Sack’s smeg pile,

Even Angus couldn’t help defrag your XXX-Files! (Aaagh!!!)

So Deepthroat my entire ass, you suit-wearing, pompous piss ranger!

Or take a long walk off Possum Jump, I know how you love cliff-hangers!

Fox Mulder (0:39):
Are you sure you’re drunk enough to try your paws off at sneering me?

Have you seen your mall cop since that cave got walled off? (Ah!) It’s a conspiracy!

Yes, I read the reports. I’m usually not one to be skeptical,

But this teen girl’s dream world would make three ways she’s two-dimensional!

Every lightbulb in your head is broken, and what that evidence says to me

Is that the only Fox this drop-out could out-smart is Greggory!

Need no geologic collapse to bury your franchise by a landslide,

Order take-out, ‘cause when the kitchen gets too hot, the pan fries!



Mae Borowski & Bea Santello (0:59):
Let’s skip past the Clik Clak. I’ll go out on a limb,

It took the Longest Night of my life, but I had half your series binged,

And your alien debates are more exaggerated than our ghost tours,

Come fix your diss rap at the Pick-Axe, but your win isn’t on the brochure.

Careful! He’ll get absent-dad flashbacks just through your cigarette smoke,

Wait, what? Y’know! The villain gets exposed like a Maury episode?

I hadn’t gotten that far yet! Oh. Spoilers! Why do I defend your ventures?

At least I spared you from crazy Reyes! They straight resorted to Gender Benders!

Too bad this Cracked up Asshat didn't get some probe lodged up his sphincter,

Too bad he wasn't stolen from his home and studied like his sister! *sigh*

Both your show and your flow are Garbo with comebacks, that’s a Whoppah!

C a l l o n y o u r t r a n s - h a t i n g A n d e r s o n a n d l e a v e t h i s m e s s a g e ; TX-Eff the Coppers!



Fox Mulder & Dana Scully (1:29):
Deny Everything all you want, but the ratings Trust No. 1 on T.V.,

So unless Ms. Cancer’s got the answers, I Want Bea to Leave

Quit kicking heaters and chasing Trick-or-Treaters and step aside,

Or testify for petty Crimes like theft and messy rhymes! F.B.I.!

Ride the Chariot back up your attic! This is no place for children!

Your plot is full of sinkholes too big for a flood to fill in!

Left your town behind to die, but Possum Springs is used to bridges breaking,

I’m a medical doctor, and it’s clear you weren’t the only one dis-associating!

The truth is out there. Are we alone in this universe? Impossible.

But your solitude stuck in your college room can make it seem plausible,

So if you’re looking for a rodent’s ass, take it up with your rat babies

That will be all, t h e r e a l d e t e c t i v e s j u s t c r a c k e d y o u r C a s e y !

Announcer:
WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Outro


Who won? Mae & Bea Mulder & Scully

HINT EXPLANATIONS:

Bratty & Catty: pretty straight to the point. bratty & catty are a duo of an alligator and a cat, mirroring Mae & Bea. also continues my tradition of always having an effing undertale hint.

Bumblebee: neo's gonna love this one. the hand is pointing towards a bee on a leaf, with another hand signalling that it wants two of them. I WANT TWO BEE LEAVES.

Five Nights at Freddys: a comparison that almost made it into the lyrics. both Five Nights at Freddys and Night in the Woods feature anthropomorphic animals, albeit NitW's are living creatures and FNaF's are robots, and both feature "night" in their titles. NitW also features a subplot where Mae and Gregg steal and create their own animatronic, which later becomes possessed or something.

Whatever that last one was: it's a file, containing pictures of Mettaton EX, Megaman X, and Jason X. An X File. mad surprised nobody got this one. also, the file names, u, v, and w, are the letters leading up to X. the file also links to "X Gon Give it To Ya." you can probly figure this out on your own.

HINT TO THE NEXT BATTLE: