User blog:Teddyfail/Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Review ft. Angry Teddy

Spoilers talk. *SPOILERS WARNING*

Cause we haven't talked about this movie enough so why the hell not I review it. And to help me with my review, here's ... *drum roll* me!

Why the fuck are we doing this?

What's your problem?

Well, a shit tons of people talked about this, Munkey already made a review about this film which is much better and funnier than yours. Safe everyone's time and just keep making your shitty battles.

But...but I have so many opinions....

No one fucking cares.

I can't do everything else. I keep thinking about this.

Find someone else.

I don't have any friends.

Fucking fine. Just finish this so we can masterbate and think about killing people.

Jesus Christ.

Can you start? If not I'm gonna think about killing you.

Fine. I'll start.

The Casts:

 * Henry Cavill: He's good. I don't have problems with him in the first film. He is pretty much the same.


 * Ben Affleck: There hasn't been an old, angry Batman before. He killed it as Batfleck. He played the old and tormented Bruce Wayne pretty well.


 * Gal Gadot: She has the sexiness and badassness to play Wonder Woman. She is the best part in the final battle.

More like the only good part.

Plz. The final battle has some good parts in it.

No, it doesn't. It's a fuck fest of....

Can we just wait til we discuss the bad part?

Fine, just keep going.

The Plot:
Yeah, it makes sense that the world would be scared of Superman with that final Metropolis massacre in Man of Steel. The half of the film is focused on the world against Superman. It has this countroom drama feels to it, which is great.

Yeah, and half of the film isn't.

Can you wait?

Can you be faster?

I just have one more thing I need to say.

Fuck my life.

Action Scenes:
Zack Snyder can direct an action scene like no one...

*cough*

Fine. He can direct action scenes. Happy now?

Fuck it. I take it.

The action scenes are pretty solid. It's tense, fun, action pac....

Blah blah blah blah we get it. *pushes away* Now, let's go to the bad part of the film.

The Cast:
Wait, why is this part here? I think the performances are great.

Um. Did you forget Jesse Eisenberg?

No. I think he is great. It's new. I like a psychotic Lex Luther.

Ok fuck off you cock-sucking piece of shit. Eisenberg played Lex Luther like a rich guy that that has just escaped from an insane asylum. Remember Brad Pitt from 12 Monkey? Yeah, exactly that. His twitching and weird laugh, ugh. Why can't he just play a normal rich guy that want to destroy Superman? Lex Luther should be more like a chill villain like Hannibal Lecter. Instead we ended up with another fucking Jokers.

The plot:
Ok, this is where the fun begins. Sure, it has some good parts in it. But so many shits are happening and so many fucking plot holes.

One more thing first, can we just skip the backstory part of Bruce Wayne? We've seen it done before two times, the gun shot, daddy tried to stop the guy, the pearl necklace, lying on the floor yada yada yada. We've seen it twice now by Burton and Nolan, and both of them are much better than this slow-mo bullshit Zack Synder did. Just establish that is the Wanye's tomb and just move. I don't need that majestic floating towards the sky shit.

Ok first, the first half of this film is good, I admit that....

Wow, you like something from this film?

Shut the fuck up or I'll cut open your dick and shuff that cocktail sausage right up your fucking anus and pull that shit-filled meat right in your mouth. </span

Clam down, it's your body too.

Jesus. So as said before, the first half of the film is more like a courtroom drama. Then the second half is more like a hurry-the-fuck-up-and-set-up-everyone-in-the-Justice-fucking-League-and-just-fit-the-rest-of-this-movie's-plot-in-the-last-30-mintues drama. The last part just looks like a student writing an essay and then he realise there is only 15 minutes left and he only wrote one page. It's so rushed.

Second, so many part not explained and not needed. For example, Lex Luther made Doomsday in the spaceship without explaining how he did it or why the fuck it needed his blood to make it. Instead, they used the all mighty explainations, the "fuck you it's fictional we can do whatever we fucking want" and the "fuck you because we said so". Also, Lois Lane. She is there just so she can be in trouble. If you cut out the Lois Lane's part, the plot would be the same. During the final battle, Lois got trapped in a underwater cause why the fuck not. Superman literally stopped in the middle of fighting Doomsday and save his girlfriend. That last moment between them, I legit laughed. Batman and Wonder Woman are fighting in the background, but Sups here is trying to bone Lois one last time. I mean COME ON. Doomsday just destory half of Gothem, one of your pal is a normal human being and you are still trying to fuck? You do deserve to die.

Speaking of dying, Superman dies while fighting Doomsday, which is good, not many superhero films end with their hero dying. But here's the thing, we all know this film is actually called Batman v Superman: Set Up of Justice League. Warners are trying to get the DC cinematic universe going. They wouldn't kill off the biggest star in the whole thing. You know they would come up with some bullshit idea to revive Superman. The last ten minutes of the film, I gave zero shit about how Lois grief or how the world deal with their "God" dead. I just don't care cause I know none of this will matter. This isn't Civil War my friend. This is the start of a franchise. Of course I didn't give a fuck about Superman dying, why should I?

Also, in the end, Superman died. They buried him back in Smallville, whoop dee fucking doo. During the funeral, Clark's mom gave a diamond ring to Lois and said Clark sent it back home before his death. HOW THE FUCK DID HE KNOW THAT HE CAN'T GIVE THE RING TO LOIS. HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK LEX'S PLAN IS. THAT MOTHERFUCKER ISN'T SHERLOCK HOLMES. WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE SEND THE WEDDING RING TO HIS MOM WHEN HE DON'T KNOW HE WILL DIE?

Calm down. You don't need all cap for one small plot hole.

But that is supposed to be a "boohoo Clark was going to propose to Lois ;(" moment, but WHO THE FUCK SENT AWAY HIS WEDDING RING IF HE WANTS TO PROPOSE. JESUS FUCKING....

Calm down and just move on to the next point.

Fine. Something else, the set up for others DC movies. So fucking forced in, so boring. I saw the three icon and I can probably guess who they are (or at least someone in the internet will). I don't need them to show me how Aquaman killed someone or how Cyborg is borned. Marvel did that with the end credit scene, that way it doesn't feel so forced. But here, we stopped in a middle of the film and see three clips which are meaningless to the whole movie. I know DC is trying to play catch up with Marvel, but do it slowly, don't try to do everything at once.

Finally, the biggest problem, the final battle. First, fucking Doomsday. Using the term Ninja Turtles is not wrong. He looks like the Michael Bay's TMNT has a baby with Fan4stic's the Thing. Second, This whole scene is just a CGI fuck-fest. It turns into the actors running around in front of a green screen and a bunch of tech guy doing rest of the work. Also, they repeated the problem from the last movie: The final battle is so crazy and action pack, you know almost everyone in a 300 miles radius are dead. And you know why Doomsday went back to Gothem? Cause Batman took him back. Before the real climax started, Doomsday landed on an island in the middle of the sea. They realised they needed Kryptonite to defeat it. And then Batman was like, "Instead of take that Kryptonite spear near Doomsday, why no bring Doomsday l near the Kryptonite. Yes, the world greatest detective wants to take Doomsday, the humongous radioactive monster with laser beam, near a Kryptonite spear, Kryptonite on a stick, which is IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY. NOW WHO BRINGS THE WAR TO US?

Jesus I'm never doing reviews with you again anymore.

No way. I will force myself in everytime now. This is kinda fun.

*sign* Just conclude this shit.

Conclusion
This whole film is kinda a mess. The first half is actually a great Batman v Superman movie, with Batman and Superman are against each other, with occasion of Lex Luther joining in. The second half is actually exactly what the second half of the movie's title: Dawn of Justice. The film turns into set up movie and with everyone joining in in the last second. If it sticks to the ending with the actual Batman v Superman plot, the film might actually be quite good. But, it didn't. They tried to do so many things and with some major plot hole in it *cough*BatmanTakingDoomsdayIntoGothem*cough*, I'm gonna give this film 4.5/10.

So I think that's....

No no no you think I'm finished?

What?....

I'm gonna do a new segment. It's called:

Angry Teddy Fixing Movie
Yeah the title is self-explanatory.

First, choose a tone, either serious or non-serious. One thing Marvel did is they choose the non-serious route and stick to it. They started the whole thing with Tony Stark building a glowing nuclear reactor in a cave with scraps of metal. Then it's ok to be weird and crazy. A man shriking into a size of an ant and end up in quantum realm? No problem. A group of weirdos include a human, two aliens, a raccoon and a tree saving the galaxy? It's ok. A God drop by once in a while to save the world. Sure. But DC choose the serious route, both of their first two film have the heros' parents dying and a bunch of people dying. Then you're on this dark and gritty and makes everything so realistic. Great. Then a Kryptonite gorilla just appears and you use the "Fictional so it's fine" trump card. How can you not explain that major plot points when you explain anythng else?

Second, keep the tie-in subtle. Again, Marvel put the Nick Fury parts at the end of the film. That way we don't have to stop the action to see the them setting up MCU. But you have to let Diane Prince watches three 20 seconds clips that has nothing to do with the plot of the whole film. It slows the whole film down. Tied-in's should be more like an Easter egg, and Easter egg shouldn't be so obvious. Honestly, not opening those files would be better.

Third, take Lois Lane off the final battle. She threw away the Kryptonite spear, then try to get back the spear, then drown in the pool and here comes Superman to save her girl instead of the world. She is literally a damsel in distress in the whole film. Her job is to get in trouble so Superman can save her, not a reporter. The final moment Lois and Superman have is so forced. It's just trying to tie up the lose end and it just feel so out of place.

Fourth, you killed Superman. Great, I appreciate you killed off your big hero. Risky, I like that. But we all know you won't do it. Who kills off their superhero at the start of the franchise? I know this is supposed to be the Civil War of DC but Marvel did it at the end of the "franchise". No one is safe from the film. but here, everyone knows none of the characters will die cause money and again, WHO THE FUCK KILLS THE MAIN CHARACTER AT THE START OF THE FRANCHISE. Kill him at the end and maybe I might give a little bit shit about the grief and aftermath of Superman's death

Fifth, *sign* the fucking trailers. In one trailer, they spoil two major plot point of the film, Doomsday and Wonder Woman joining the battle. No. No. That's not how you hype up the fans. Force Awaken did it perfectly and they didn't even give us any ploys about the film. They give us enough footage to be excited, not showing anything major, and in the end, have Han comes out and hype everyone. You don't see them showing Kylo Ren shoving the lightsaber into Han.

Umm, spoiler alert?

Oh yeah. Umm, whoops sorry. Anyway. My point is the Star Wars fanbase are probably the hardest fan base to be pleased. I think DC's isn't that hard to please. Is it that hard to not show us any spoilers in a trailer? From all the trailers, we know General Zod will be in it, Lex will do something to make them fight, Wonder Woman will fight, Doomsday will be in it. The only thing that isn't in it is the courtroom explosion. And I know you might say, "But they didn't spoil Superman's death." But again, it won't matter in the end. It wasn't any huge plot point. That is like saying "They didn't spoil that part that Lex kidnapped Superman's mom." to defend it.

Finally, please, fire Zack Snyder. Sure, he might be a good director to direct action scenes, but he uses too many IGC. This creates the previous mentioned Doomsturtle and the whole shock wave shit Doomsday create. The whole scene is so fake. Also, his fucking sudden slow-mo effect. Sometimes it's good but most of the time it just doesn't with the scene. For example, one time the Batmobile crashed into something and it was stuck in the middle of it. Synder used slow-mo. It's cool and all, but I don't even understand that it was stuck. The slow motion isn't needed. It would be just fine if there wasn't a slow mo effect. Finally, I get it helps in the action scenes but just cut the shakey cam. When they are running around and punching people and shit, shakey cam would help. But do a scene between Bruce and Alfred talking about going to Lex's party really need shakey cam? Oh god the dialogue between them are so exciting and action packed, I need the sense of a actual people operating the camera. COME ON. HE CAN'T DIRECT A BIG FILM LIKE THIS.

Ok calm down. Just wrap this up. Don't you wanna go fap?

Oh yeah. Well do this quick. I feel real horny right now.

*sign* So, this is my review of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Anything left you wanna say?

Oh yeah... Umm... Yeah come on...

Oh god. Just go go go. Bye