User blog:Awesomesix/8 "Itsy Bitsy" Spiders That Crawled Back Out of the Drains of Hell

'''DISCLAIMER: This is a blog made entirely out of boredom with feedback from Lexi. Also contains graphic violence towards bananas, a poor bird and cricket, and of course, ugly spiders. You have been advised.'''



Spiders. Our friends. they help us with pests. They keep our gardens insect-free. They help us maintain a clean household. They send shivers down our spine, make nasty webs, run across the floor like a satanic nightmare, infect us with venom, rot our hands, frighten our children, kidnap our souls, eat our dreams, and ruin Australia.

Spiders.

Our friends.

Ornate Horned Weaver – Pretty Little Spiders
A Hot Topic shopper's wet dream.

To kick off this list we have a rather weird looking but otherwise normal spider, the Ornate Horned Weaver, Horned Orb Weaver, Spiny-Orb Weaver, or if you're basic, horned weavers. They do the usual catch flies, make webs, maybe eat their mate kinda thing. But good God are these things weird. What's even better is they come in many different shapes- the horns we see over there, ladybug red, Doom villain head, pure black angst, spikey butt, and rainbow spots. Don't believe me? Just look it up. These guys are relatively small and harmless, basically garden spiders still in the scene phase. Forever. Tragic. They're scattered across the continents, so it won't be too hard to find them, but they're not interesting to watch. That is, until they stab you in the eyes with those horns for getting too close. Just kidding, the spikes are probably flimsy and harmless, just there for show to scare off wannabe predators and tell dad, "It's not just a phase".

Hunstman Spider – Only in Australia
Because fuck you, that's why.

When you think of Australia, you probably think of koalas, kangaroos, and wombats (oh my). But I think of spiders, and when I think of spiders, I cry a lot. But besides from that, when I think Australia and spiders, I think the huntsman spider. These guys aren't just huge, they're some of the biggest non-tarantula spiders on the planet. They're around 10-12 inches legspan wise, which is about enough to cover your entire face. Not only this, but they can stick to walls -sorta- with claw-like growths on their feet. When they don't stick to walls and steal your soul while you sleep (just kidding, Australians don't have one), they bite, which, while not considered lethal, can surely traumatize you. Other than this, they're just your typical loving house spider, hunting the pests like moths to keep your home clean. A lovely trade for your endless nightmares.

Mothercare Spider – Motherly Love
A single mom trying to make a living in the world.

When you think of your mother, what do you think of? Love, kindness, cherished childhood memories? A dark past that I've just triggered unintentionally and now you wish to kill me for being insensitive? Well, most spiders would say nothing, because aside from the fact they're fucking spiders you dipshit, they're usually abandoned by their mothers. But not these kids. These spiders better be god damn grateful. Not only does she teach the kids to hunt, she waits for their lazy asses to hatch with a full course meal made of corpses stuck on the web. I wish my mother did that for me. These spiders are relatively small, so you'll probably miss one if you see them, but rest assured that her army of ararchnid offspring are being well raised in the way of the spider warrior to kill all insects to feed their future families and give milk. Did I mention the mothers feed the babies some sort of milk? Despite her size, a mother in a fortress who can prepare a lovely meal for her future armada of trained spider warriors to overtake the planet is not one to mess with. Also they're venomous, there's that. I guess.

Bolas Spider – Watch me Whip
You must whip it.

Now we get to the weird ones. Okay, get past the fact that this thing has evolved to literally look like bird shit (it's a survival thing, I guess?), this spider would seem at place in a Western Movie. Living in regions around Australia (go figure), the Americas, and Africa, they're small (go figure again), but they've adapted to catch a very specific prey. The butterfly on crack, also known as moths. In fact, this whip-like mechanism is where they get their name from - a bolas is a weapon used to capture an animal by tangling around its legs. Only here, the legs are the moth's body, and the tangling is sticking to, more or less. They whip the moth in question and draw it in, to presumably acidify it's organs, like a typical spider. While one of the more advanced spiders on the list, there's not much else to them. So here's a gif of them in action to make this worth it.



Net Casting Spider/Ogre Faced Spider – World Wide Web
It's all Ogre Now.

God dammit Australia. First you give us the Hunstman, now this ogre-looking motherfucker? That face could kill a mother, not to mention stone Medusa. Aside from the not so charming appearance, these ugly sons of bitches do what they're named for to catch food. That's right, they shoot them mercilessly with an assault rifle- no, they use their nets. Made of, what else, webs, these long, lanky, and creepy Aussies hold the net between their front legs to await an innocent child or prey to walk below unsuspectingly. Then, these nightmares will stretch the web and drop it down on the poor thing, and entangle it. They live in Africa and the Americas as well, and all look the same. Beside from their net and their face, they're not dangerous to humans, unless you consider your peaceful sleep something easily damaged. Which I do.



Brazilian Wandering Spider – Highly Unapeeling
When spiders enter the picture, nothing is safe, not even your bananas.

These stowaway spiders, found in Brazil, or your kitchen, for the most part, look like your typical house spider- that is, ugly, brown, and hairy. But what makes them notorious is two things- the first thing being their desire to live on your bananas. Not just on, but in- there have been cases where bananas have been infected with the babies of these things, far from safe for consumption. Aside from attacking our precious yellow fruits, what harm could these guys bring? Four hour doom erections. You heard me right. These highly deadly spiders, when they bite you, can give you a four-hour erection, which, trust me, is not a good thing (not from experience, but... fuck it). Along with this, they hold the record of most venomous spider, and are also highly aggressive. So, to recap, they love bananas, hate humans, and wish to destroy any man's sex life. Why, again, haven't we burned them all?



Golden Orb Weaver – A Woman's World
He's only big where it counts- in his spirit.

Of all the things that can be wrong, this spider surely does have a lot down. Large size? Check. Body too small for it's legs? Check. Eating things too big for it? Check. Slender? Check. Weird dominant/submissive relationships? Check...?

First things first, they're HUGE. They can range from a bit bigger than your thumb to covering your face and then some. Take the Hunstman spider and let it spend a night in Tim Burton's workshop, and you'll get these ugly ladies. With their disproportionate bodies, this would truly be a sight to behold. They have large webs meant for bugs, but they won't shy from eating birds or bats stuck in their webs, and letting someone film it, much to everyone's horror. Named for their webs, these things drawf the spider. Just by looking at photos, they're a good 5-6 feet tall and wide, and not one web to casually walk into. As for the weird BDSM thing I mentioned above, allow me to explain: the males are super tiny. The ones you're seeing here are females. The little red one up in the corner? The male. Lots of males can be with up to one female. As for the use of their silk, well, apparently people have made capes from them. Huh.

But most interesting of all, fuck you.



Honorable mentions
These ones didn't make it because of reasons.

Fishing spider- it fishes, about it.

Raft spider- he can stand on water.

Jumping spider- too cute.

Water spider- live underwater, not scary, just cool.

Sea spider- not even a spider.

Spiderman- Terrible joke out of the way.

#1
There are spiders on here that catches birds, live on bananas, use human weapons, and want to live in Australia. Yes, there is a spider that is more evil than all of these things. So, how, you might ask, does one top this list? Does it fly? Shoot venom? Live in the sea? First of all, jumping spiders are cute, fuck you. Secondly, sea spiders aren’t actually spiders. Thirdly, almost any species with venom has something that can spit it. But only one creature comes to mind that has a day job scaring the shit out of anything walking past it. You’re not safe on any continent except the frozen Hell that is Antarctica (true fact, I wikipedia’d that) from the Satan incarnate that is… well, I’ll let the gif do the talking.



Trapdoor Spider – Peek-a-boo
It's a trap!

Okay, yell at me. At first, this may not seem worse off than anti-Viagra or Shrek-net. But look at it this way... it's a spider. A tarantula, in fact. That hides underground, all day, waiting for an innocent animal to walk by. You can't even see it. With the net-casting-spider, you have the potential to look up, scream, and run, but live, but this is just unavoidable unless you fly at all times. In case you're wondering how this thing even gets prey, it first makes the hole, setting up a web in the process. Not a huge one, just a tripwire-like web to sense anything moving by. Then, it waits underground, feeling for the food wandering by, then BAM! No more cricket. It's life of 4 days just flashed before its eyes. They can range from tiny to mediocre sized, and are no threat to humans. And hey, some have a pretty cool butt.



Conclusion
So, what do you think of this list? Was it good? Boring? Scary? Should I continue this series again? The last two are in my nav, they're about 5 Weird Sea Creatures and 5 Majestic Animals. If you want to see where I started and if I improved (big "if" there), they're under the "misc." section. As always, goodbye. Just kidding, I don't have an outro.

But I do have sea cucumbers.