User blog:Joeaikman/Joe's Rap Battles of Fiction Season 4 Episode 3'- Beowulf vs Hercules

WELCOME PUNY MORTALS! This is yet another edition of Joe's series! I would like to give thanks to Grav for guesting as Beowulf today, as well as to Jude for advising the production of the Hercules verses. Both these guys are great and you should go out and check up on their content first!

So the idea for today's battle came from Grav, albeit just as a discussion in chat about Beowulf opponents who aren't Gilgamesh, so this suggestion was born. Two godlike heroes who were known for their super strength in fighting off fantastical monsters for kings or lords. Also something about fighting topless. Plus icons of ancient cultures. So we have slayer of the 'monster' Grendel, Beowulf, going up against all star Greek hero, Hercules. Let's GOOOOOOO!

The Cast
Jesse Wellens as Beowulf (denoted by orange )

EpicLLOYD as Hercules (denoted by green )

Nice Peter, Joey Greer and Edward Vilderman as Geat warriors (denoted by white)

The Battle
Attacking the protector of Royals, I better report to the Lorde, You tackle challenges one at a time, I take hordes in scores Fuck over this closet homosexual till he’s begging for more, Drop this washed up strongman till he washes up on his uncle’s shore! You actually completed thirteen trials, when you killed your wife in Labor! Who’s gonna own the slave of Hera? HUAGH! I’m a ready taker! I can have any princess I require, even Angelina Jolie took me deep, And I’ll rip through Heracles faster than his prostitutes’ disease! And you get hitched more than one of Hrothgar’s steeds, Giving the world back to Atlas was your only good deed Stick your Yellow ass back in your Pages you glorified pest control I’m sick of dealing with this Cretan, all he’s spitting is Bull

Take your baby steps, this serpents repentance won't be accepted Because whilst you're busy pushing prejudice Grendel's on the defensive I'm tremendous, try to Task me with anything that you can muster You simply slaughter little boys and then go on to kill their mothers You must be as High as Hrothgar when he summoned you into his hall I'll spit my dragon fire whilst grabbing gangs of gods by all their balls I'll rule it all, and leave Argo-naught of this little impostor Who filed the reports of his torture as an anonymous author Try to treat with this Greek, I'll add the defeat of a Geat to my feats Your bites worse than your bark, I'll put you on Cerby's leash Contact the dead, riding high, behind an Impenetrable cloak Smoke this toke like its Wulfy's corpse lying in state upon a boat I'm immortal, pack your snorkel, your burden will cause you to gurgle Whilst you're drowning in a lake I'm fiercely stealing a girdle There's no Hyding from my hiding when we go hand to hand Because this supposed hero can be beat in the air, sea and on land

The Grecian has mimicked his country and to piss poor lyrics he’s descended, So I shall knock this bitch harder than when Zeus left your mother pregnant I slay beasts with a blow and leave you out of work faster than the invention of the gun Don’t use that club to prove your manhood; quit compensating for the weaker one You wish to match my flames in flyte, no? You’re already “down,” No wonder your diaper hangs loose, all your shit is coming out your mouth! My Geats burn your lands worse than our mead does a boy’s throat, I cut through foes like my oaken boats while you’re holding down the Argo! And ever since you were a newborn you were known for grabbing snakes, You make your men grapple for gold while you make a Milky Way Roll with Beowulf and I’ll leave you more broken than your family I’d personally bury your children; but you’ve already done it for me!

Apollo's herd more godly lyrics than from this airhead who fights commando Takes on weaker enemies than himself topless, a prehistoric John Rambo You're known throughout the land for killing a monster who got his merry on My lyrics fly faster than a stag whilst you would be getting it on with Geryon I'm known for pounding hounds and sending Vikings to their burial grounds Ask this in a quiz, who'd read your shit if me or Gilgamesh were in town My rhymes are pure gold, pluck victory from this child killer And leave him having wet dreams about playing with my pillars I was forgiven for my sins and rose to a higher status than you could imagine Your ultimate fate was to be burned by both me and your nemesis, the Dragon At least your book had a happy ending, we could cheer whilst you died fighting But no one would come forward to claim the piece of shit you call writing

Who won? Hercules Beowulf