User blog:The Flatwoods Monster/The Ring vs The Grudge - Epic Rap Battles of Horror Season 1 Remastered

Here it is, the second installment in the storm of finishing up Season 1

Hello, welcome back to Epic Rap Battles of Horror Remastered. it's been well over two months since Chucky vs Tails Doll so i figured it's time for the next of these things nobody asked for. This battle was definitely set for either a remaster or a sequel or anything considering a movie came out featuring the two battling (well, their japanese equivalents anyway) so ye, here we are, back at it. The original version of this battle was fucking terrible. Samara's first verse had four lines were all jokes about mimes even though Kayako doesn't look like a fucking mime i have no idea why I did that

this battle features the demented human/demon hybrid, Samara Morgan, rapping against vengeful spirit and demon garbage disposal, Kayako Saeki , to see who's the better ghost woman who was slain by someone they love in a fit of jealousy who came back and killed those who sinned against them and now exist to torment the living even though they did nothing to deserve it. Also, the movie.

Here's the obligatory "the original was better!!!!!" joke so that you don't have to make it.

Point aside, let's get started!

Cast:
Michelle Phan as Kayako Saeki

LtCorbis as Samara Morgan (video) (Yes she fucking looks like Samara and it's all I could think of leave me alone)

someone else as audio

Beat:



Announcer:
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HORROR!

Time to be frozen in fear when I’m teleporting through you..



Your victims all have seven days,.

VS!

This redundant, summoned someone won’t be so sudden...



..you didn’t actually attack a single person!

BEGIN!

Kayako:
Wake up, Wednesday! This isn’t another one of your hellish dreamings,

I’ll set you straighter than your jacket; Stay retracted in your cell, screaming,

Before I devour you; You’re just another demon I’ve befell and eaten,

And so your chances fell fleeting faster than this well being’s well-being!

Won’t even need salt to repel Regan; That’s what woke her eternal sleeping,

You’re a face without a name; Samara doesn’t leave any bells Ring-ing!

Disturbing imagery is found within me; The baddest apparition this squirt’s seen,

Ten four’s across the Ouija Board, but your unlucky number’s PG-13!

You mumble your clumsy raps on tracks while I kill ‘em like the Williams

And no doubt kickin’ this Chicken with wisdom ‘cause she’s voiced by one of my victims!

This scheming tween believes she’ll beat me? You couldn’t win a fight with your father!

So try to stack those to Kayako’s rap flows; That shows why you’re scared of water!

Samara:
This Is Going To Hurt you worse than Kirk but you don’t need to burn to see

In lyric debating and critic’s ratings, you’re barely worth a third of me

The Seal is Solved. Use your final moments to say a prayer,

Don’t you know it’s rude to glare? I’d figure by now you’d evade stairs

Should’ve learned to shut your mouth, but keep open those bug eyes.

This morbid Lord of the Ring’s recording’s the last thing you’ll see before you’ll die

Remember That the better act is what this Slender rat will always be Behind,

‘Cause there’s nowhere you can hide once I give you a piece of my mind!

You’ll be mourning for no more, but it’s the morgue once Morgan’s done!

What my roasts invoke will leave you toast and croaking in more ways than one!

Like mother, like son; My hatred’s tidal wave will drown you,

Too late to put those spider legs to use! I Found You!

Kayako:
What took you so long? Couldn’t see me through your clumpy hair?

You’re just an unholy loli, Spooky, so stay outta my House of Jumpscares!

This idiot’s only ways to hit is looking hideous and throwing hissy fits

Give up the ghostly business shit and stick to kiddie flicks with Stitch!

Samara:
I’ll destroy the whole world! The best you did was beat Buffy,

Which you couldn’t even have managed if you hadn’t bitten off of me!

Seven Days… that’s all the time you have left, you stupid floozy,

Seven Days… that’s twice as long as people cared about your movie!

Kayako:
(Ugh!) You’re like your third sequel; Rosemary’s Baby should’ve been aborted,

But it’s been made clear before you don’t know how to hold your horses!

This unoriginal Onryō oughta know who she’s warring to,

You’re as cookie-cutter as it comes and I bet you stole your lines from Orphan, too!

Samara:
You wanna talk dead horses? Call me after your eleventh repurpose

Constant content reprocesses for profit is what your actual curse is!

In three verses yet only worsened, you’re still yet to impress me,

So that makes this the second time that you’ve struck out against me!

Kayako:
I haven't caught a word you’ve said. Which translation am I facin’?

Two decades too late; Didn't make any base that wasn’t covered by Jason

My verses are sick as Ju-On but it’s clear you’re very ill

Your doom by lyrical entombing’s the closest you came to a proper burial

Samara:
Turn back! I’ll leave you Death Rattle’d when I get repugnant,

So don’t try to cheat me in this battle like you did to your own husband!

You’d’ve been better off a Single Lady. I’m Protected by God, it’s

No surprise because if he liked your life, he wouldn't've put the Ring on it

Announcer:
WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HORROR!

Rap Meanings
{{Hidden |header = Rap Meanings|content= Kayako:

'''Wake up, Wednesday! This isn’t another one of your hellish dreamings,'''

(Kayako begins by referring to Samara as "Wednesday," one of the main characters of The Addams Family television show. The parallel being made here is based on the gothic appearance of Samara, as well as the fact that she's always frowning. Samara's strange powers first came to life when she was alive, appearing in her dreams with vivid nightmares and such. Kayako tells her to "wake up," or "come back to reality" because Kayako isn't just a figment of her imagination, but a real nightmare.)

I’ll set you straighter than your jacket; Stay retracted in your cell, screaming,

(As she lived in an asylum for a portion of her life, one could infer that Samara would wear a straight-jacket as most mentally ill inmates would. Kayako intends to "set her straight," or correct her. She then continues with a fragment sentence, telling Samara to "stay retracted" in her asylum cell, screaming like any ordinary inmate would, though in this case it's in reference to her nigthmares.)

Before I devour you; You’re just another demon I’ve befell and eaten,

(Following up on the previous line, Kayako tells Samara to try screaming before she eats her alive. When Kayako was alive, and younger, her mother, an exorcist, would capture demons and then feed them to Saeki as a sort of devil garbage dump. This is what later led to Kayako becoming the ghost she is. Since she has eaten so many demons in the past thanks to her mom, Kayako infers she'll have no trouble "eating" Samara, or destroying her.)

And so your chances fell fleeting faster than this well being’s well-being!

(Samara suffered a serious drop in health in the later years of her short life, before her mother killed her and dropped her body in a well. Kayako uses wordplay here, referring to the "well being," or health, of Samara, who is a "well-being" in that she lives in a well where her corpse was found.)

Won’t even need salt to repel Regan; That’s what woke her eternal sleeping,

(Salt is a mineral that supposedly has use for warding off demons and ghosts, but Kayako says she won't need it to scare off Samara. She relates Morgan to another demonic child from horror filmography, Regan MacNeil, who third partied in the original Ring vs Grudge for some reason. Samara came back from death for revenge on humanity over the actions of her parents, so Kayako refers to it as "salt," or bitterness at what someone else did.)

You’re a face without a name; Samara doesn’t leave any bells Ring-ing!

(Samara's cursed form is recognizable, and her "seven days" sequence is definitely more famous than her actual character is. Kayako makes a pun on "ring a bell," and the title of "The Ring.")

Disturbing imagery is found within me; The baddest apparition this squirt’s seen,

(Of the several parental advisories regarding the original The Grudge, one of them is "disturbing imagery." Kayako boasts about having this scare to be proud of, while claiming she's the evilest villain Samara has seen.)

Ten four’s across the Ouija Board, but your unlucky number’s PG-13!

(4444444444 is the name of a Grudge related film. The number 4 for some reason means "death" or "bad luck" in Japanese culture, which Kayako comes from, whereas in Western culture, the unlucky number is 13. Samara hails from the United States, so this would be the number she associates with bad luck. Kayako strikes out at Samara, claiming that, while Kayako has "disturbing imagery" enough to give her the R rating, Samara is soft enough to still be PG-13 in rating, which the Ring series continues to be.)

You mumble your clumsy raps on tracks while I kill ‘em like the Williams

(Kayako refers to Samara's way of speech as "mumbling" due to the quiet, raspiness of her voice. Meanwhile, Kayako claims she "kills" tracks in the same way she literally kills her victims, this time referring to the Williams family, the subject of the first Grudge movie.)

And no doubt kickin’ this Chicken with wisdom ‘cause she’s voiced by one of my victims!

(Samara Morgan was parodied by Robot Chicken, in which she was voiced by Sarah Michelle Gellar, who played Karen Davis in The Grudge, and The Grudge 2 where Kayako kills her.)

'''This scheming tween believes she’ll beat me? You couldn’t win a fight with your father!'''

(Samara is a devious little shit, always finding new ways to hurt people. Her father had obvious disassociation problems with her because of this, and despite how many times she argued with him, she couldn't get her father to love her or pay any decent attention to her. Kayako refers to this struggle as a fight in the same way their rap battle is a fight, but saying that Kayako is a much tougher opponent then Mr. Morgan who Samara couldn't beat.)

So try to stack those to Kayako’s rap flows; That shows why you’re scared of water!

(Samara has a deathly fear of water, even as a ghost, due to how she died. Kayako exploits that, claiming that her rap flows are like water and are the real reason that Samara is afraid of it.) Samara:

This Is Going To Hurt you worse than Kirk but you don’t need to burn to see

(Samara begins by referencing the title of one of the main scores used in The Ring, “This Is Going To Hurt.” Peter Kirk was the name of the man Kayako fell in love with which later lead to her death at the hands of her own jealous husband. Samara claims that Kayako doesn’t need to burn, or suffer, just to see the following blatant facts.)

In lyric debating and critic’s ratings, you’re barely worth a third of me

(On Rotten Tomatoes, The Ring has a 72% wheras The Grudge has a 39%. Samara uses some weird fractions to say that Kayako is "not worth a third of her" in both rapping or ratings, since The Ring is 7/10ths of a perfect 100%, only missing the 3/10ths that the Grudge was rated.)

'''The Seal is Solved. Use your final moments to say a prayer,'''

("The Seal is Now Solved" was the title of an episode in the multiple-part TV series of the Japanese adaptation of the Ring. Samara warns that Kayako should say a prayer, despite being a demon, because what Samara will do next will leave Kayako needing God's help.)

'''Don’t you know it’s rude to glare? I’d figure by now you’d evade stairs'''

(In most cultures, prolonged staring is considered rude. Kayako is rarely seen blinking, so she'd be "glaring" at Samara the entirety of her verse. However, Samara says that this gesture surprises her, as she assumed Kayako would avoid the homophone stairs/stares. This is because Kayako's death was brought about by being kicked down a flight of stairs.)

Should’ve learned to shut your mouth, but keep open those bug eyes.

(Samara says that Kayako should've shut up when she had the chance, but, since she cannot blink, should keep her eyes open for the following reason. She refers to Kayako's eyes as "bug eyes," due to being always wide open and unblinking.)

This morbid Lord of the Ring’s recording’s the last thing you’ll see before you’ll die

(Samara refers to herself as "the morbid Lord of the Ring," referencing the famed Tolkein novel of the same name. Though The Ring does not focus on a physical ring, the parallel can still be made. Samara spreads her curse through VHS tapes, which is what "recordings" alludes to. "Before you die, you see The Ring" was the tagline for the first Ring film, so Samara tells Kayako to keep her eyes open because soon, they'll be closed forever.)

Remember That the better act is what this Slender rat will always be Behind,

("I'm always behind you. Remember that." is a quote from The Grudge, but Samara repurposes it to tell Kayako she'll always be behind Samara in influence and ratings, which is somewhat true. She refers to Kayako as "Slender" referencing Slender Man, who shares a similar set of powers with Kayako.)

‘Cause there’s nowhere you can hide once I give you a piece of my mind!

(Samara's powers are widespread by VHS tapes that she records her dreams on. literally thats the plot. She somehow transfers her horrific dreams onto a tape, which is what created The Ring video. Therefore, the Ring video can be considered "a piece of Samara's mind." To give someone a piece of your mind is to tell them your real thoughts on them, usually negative, so Samara makes the wordplay here.)

You’ll be mourning for no more, but it’s the morgue once Morgan’s done!

(In rather violent terms, Samara tells Kayako she'll be crying for the pain to stop, but Samara won't be finished until she's dead.)

What my roasts invoke will leave you toast and croaking in more ways than one!

(To "croak" is to die. However, Kayako's throat was split open apon death, so her ghost emits a noise referred to in the film as "croaking." Furthermore, a popular theme in Japanese culture regarding Ornyo's is that their souls can be captured in lesser beings such as frogs. So Samara says that her roasts will kill Kayako so bad, it will leave her 1. croaking from death, 2. croaking from her natural neck deformity, and 3. croaking literally as a frog.)

Like mother, like son; My hatred’s tidal wave will drown you,

(After she was killed by her husband, Kayako's father drowned her son, Toshio in a bathtub. Samara repurposes the phrase "like father, like son" to say that Kayako will die the same way her son did metaphorically speaking, as her son died in a bathtub but she will die in Samara's "flow" of hatred.)

'''Too late to put those spider legs to use! I Found You!'''

(Kayako has wall-crawling abilities that Samara likens to Spider-Man. She tells Kayako that she doesn't have time to run away anymore, because Samara has "found her." In The Ring Two, Samara emerges from a bodybag and attacks the main character, proclaiming that she's "found her" in the exact words used here. In this case, Samara's saying that she's locked on to Kayako, who no longer has the ability to flee from her.)

Kayako:
'''What took you so long? Couldn’t see me through your clumpy hair?'''

(Mocking Samara's last line, Kayako jokingly asks what took Samara so long to find her, indicating that it may have been that she just could not see her through her long, black and clump hair, which, in Samara's cursed form, completely obscures her face.)

You’re just an unholy loli, Spooky, so stay outta my House of Jumpscares!

("Lolita" culture is a creepy-ass Japanese-originating fetish for grown women who are dressed or drawn to look like little girls. People will defend it as if it's not a fetish but it's totally a fetish and they're pedophiles. Regardless, Kayako says that Samara is an "unholy loli" due to being, obviously, a demon as well as a little girl. She references the indie game "Spooky's House of Jumpscares," referring to Samara as the titular antagonist of the game, a young ghostly cartoon girl, while referring to her own house as the "House of Jumpscares." Kayako only attacks those who trespass onto her property, and jumpscares are a commonly exploited tactic in the Grudge films.)

This idiot’s only ways to hit is looking hideous and throwing hissy fits

(When Samara takes up her cursed form, her face distorts into that of an old, prune-faced lady that to some might detract from her fear factor. Kayako claims Samara can only hurt people through making herself ugly and pitching fits, like any small child would.)

Give up the ghostly business shit and stick to kiddie flicks with Stitch!

(Samara's actress, Daveigh Chase, also voiced Lilo from the popular Disney film, Lilo & Stitch. Kayako insults her over this, saying her actress should have stayed out of the horror realm and only played characters in child's films such as the previously mentioned Disney film.)

Samara:
'''I’ll destroy the whole world! The best you did was beat Buffy,'''

(In The Ring vs The Grudge, The Ring tape itself is uploaded onto a video-sharing site, spreading Samara's curse all over the world. Anyone who watched it was prone to die, making Samara a super effective monster, which she brags about when compared to Kayako. Kayako kills the main character from The Grudge in The Grudge 2, who is portrayed by Sarah Michelle Gellar, the actress for Buffy the Vampire Slayer.)

Which you couldn’t even have managed if you hadn’t bitten off of me!

(Kayako kills Gellar's character by appearing inside a photograph, popping out and attacking her. This tactic is incredibly similar to Samara's abilities to appear in photographs, camera screens, and even reflections in water, so Samara claims that Kayako's only real achievement couldn't have been accomplished if she didn't steal Samara's moves.)

Seven Days… that’s all the time you have left, you stupid floozy,

(Mimicing the iconic scene from The Ring, Samara chants "seven days," first implying that it's all the time Kayako has left to live before Samara kills her. A "floozy" is a gentle term for whore, which Samara calls Kayako on account of her falling in love with several other men even while already married; though she never took action on these crushes, Samara is basically audibly siding with Kayako's murderous husband.)

Seven Days… that’s twice as long as people cared about your movie!

(Chanting "seven days" again, Samara now claims that a week's time is twice as long as people paid attention to The Grudge series.)

Kayako:
(Ugh!) You’re like your third sequel; Rosemary’s Baby should’ve been aborted,

(Kayako expresses disinterest in the third installment in the Ring series, claiming that the film should have been shut down or aborted in development hell. She likens this to Samara, who she also thinks should've been aborted since her parents wanted no custody over her. In doing so, she refers to Samara as "Rosemary's Baby," a film about a child who's father is the Devil, similar to Samara who has demon heritage as well.)

But it’s been made clear before you don’t know how to hold your horses!

(Samara has a deep hatred of horses, something reoccuringly brought up in The Ring. This is due to her father ignoring her and devoting all his time to his equestrians. In order to make him pay attention to her, in a fit of jealousy, she transferred her nightmares to the horses minds, driving them all mad and leading the entire hoard off a cliff. Later in the film, Samara's presence can be detected by horses getting spooked, one of which falls off a boat and into the water. Due to the large amount of horse deaths connected to Samara, Kayako makes the pun on the phrase "hold your horses" which means "don't be hasty." Kayako's basically saying, it's unsurprising that they'd make a third film for Samara without seeing that nobody wants one since her history with "holding horses" has been a bad one.)

This unoriginal Onryō oughta know who she’s warring to,

(Onryō is the term for Japanese ghost who come back to enact vengeance, which is a term that applies to both Kayako and Samara. Kayako says that Samara is unoriginal, for a line that is explained afterwards.)

You’re as cookie-cutter as it comes and I bet you stole your lines from Orphan, too!

(Kayako calls Samara unoriginal, saying she probably "stole her lines" from Orphan. Orphan and The Ring share similarities with the characters Esther and Samara, since both are evil, black-haired sociopathic little girls who both refer to their stalked main protagonist as "mommy." The ending sequence for the Ring uses the quote "I'm not your fucking mommy!" which is, word for word, an exact replica of the ending scene of Orphan.)

Samara:
'''You wanna talk dead horses? Call me after your eleventh repurpose'''

(Making a pun on the "hold your horses" line Kayako delivered, Samara refers to Kayako as a "dead horse," not meaning literal deceased equestrian but implying a franchise that has been milked past it's welcome. The Japanese version of The Grudge series has gotten eleven films and spin-offs in total, including sequels, remakes and other products, so Samara finds it hypocritical that Kayako judges her third film.)

Constant content reprocesses for profit is what your actual curse is!

(The Grudge is considered a curse in the film's lore, but Samara implies that the actual curse Kayako suffers from is greedy corporate property owners who milk her franchise for money.)

In three verses yet only worsened, you’re still yet to impress me,

(Building up to the next line, Samara points out that she believes over three verses time, Kayako was already bad but has only gotten progressively worse.)

So that makes this the second time that you’ve struck out against me!

(Part of the advertising gimmick for the Ring vs the Grudge was a baseball game featuring Sadako pitching the ball to Kayako. In baseball, it takes the batter three misses to get "struck out," so Samara claims that Kayako "struck out" with three verses against her as if it was a baseball game.)

Kayako:
'''I haven't caught a word you’ve said. Which translation am I facin’?'''

(Kayako says that she can't understand a word Samara has said, as in none of it makes sense and she's hard to understand due to her raspy voice. Kayako asks if she's facing Sadako, the Japanese version of Samara, which would explain why her rapping sounds so "foreign.")

Two decades too late; Didn't make any base that wasn’t covered by Jason

(Kayako claims that Samara didn't meet anything that Friday the 13th didn't cover, with Samara and Jason both being bullied, troublesome teens with troublesome parents that met their end through water but come back from the dead to avenge themselves. The Ring came out in the early 2000's whereas Friday the 13th came out in the early 1980's.)

My verses are sick as Ju-On but it’s clear you’re very ill

(Ju-On is the title of the Japanese version of The Grudge, it's title meaning "grudge" but it's referred to in the films as an illness. Ergo, Kayako refers to her lines as "sick" in the same way actual sickness works you know these lines damn well by now, but claims that she better stop spitting sick as Samara is clearly "very ill," meaning mentally sick.)

Your doom by lyrical entombing’s the closest you came to a proper burial

(Samara's body was left in a well, not being officially found until way later on by authorities. As a result, her body was never given a "proper burial" like a funeral surrounded by any loved ones she might have had. Kayako sympathizes for her somewhat, saying she at least got a "proper burial" by Kayako shutting her down with better raps.)

Samara:
'''Turn back! I’ll leave you Death Rattle’d when I get repugnant,'''

(Samara yells at Kayako to "turn back" because what lies up ahead will leave her traumatized, making a pun on "death rattle," which is the sound that Kayako makes due to her broken voice box.)

So don’t try to cheat me in this battle like you did to your own husband!

(Striking out against Kayako's marriage again, Samara tells Kayako to not "cheat her" in the battle in the same way she cheated on her husband. You really dont need an indepth explanation for this one i think you can get it yourself.)

'''You’d’ve been better off a Single Lady. I’m Protected by God, it’s'''

(Samara tells Kayako she should have stayed single, as marrying her husband only led to her untimely death, making a reference to the Beyonce song "Single Ladies" which will become relevant in a second. The name "Samara" means "protected by God," which will also become relevant in a second.)

No surprise because if he liked your life, he wouldn't've put the Ring on it

(Samara claims that it's not surprising that Kayako died in such a brutal way, because if God, as mentioned earlier, liked Kayako's life or was fond of her existence, he wouldn't have set Samara lose on her. This is another reference to the Beyonce song mentioned earlier, "if you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it," obviously also parodying the title of Samara's movie.)

}}

Outro


Who won? The Grudge The Ring