User blog:Dark Cyan/Cyan's Rap Battles of Literature 15: Arthur Conan Doyle vs Agatha Christie

Hello, everyone. And welcome back to Cyan's Rap Battles of Literature!

Here we are, at the penultimate battle of the season! It has been a very fun run, though not without a few snags along the way. 16 weeks ago, it was, when I wrote Jane Austen vs J.K. Rowling, at the time the first rap battle I'd written since last October. And now look where we are. Only one battle left!

Anyway, I have Hank to thanks a lot for in this battle. He wrote the part of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and thanks to him, this battle is twice as long as it would have been if I had written this on my own. So thank you, Hank!

This battle pits the mystery author behind the Sherlock Holmes novels, Arthur Conan Doyle, against the whodunnit author behind the Miss Marple novels, the Poirot novels and even more besides, Agatha Christie, to deduce who is truly the best mystery writer.

Fun fact; this is the only battle I've written (besides questionably Clippy vs Siri) which features a male and a female rapping against each other. I have no idea why this is. I'm not sexist, I promise you.

Enjoy!

Beat: ''Agatha Christie has requested that this battle be done freestyle a cappella, as she cannot stand these newfangled rap instrumentals that the kids are into. It's all just noise to her.''

Arthur Conan Doyle
The Detective's here to investigate a Murder on the Orient Express. The father of crime's about to show you his logical spitting process.

You must have lost your Marples if you dare to face me.

Even Walt Disney is scarier than you would ever be.

I leave readers enthralled to the end, your first page's a giveaway.

Resurrecting on and on again, we'll fight more than another day.

While you get washed away and forgotten, I'll still be a pillar of history.

But why you gained so much fame in your time, that's the real mystery

Agatha Christie
You want to Battle, Arthur? I'm the Whodunnit Queen!

I will prove beating A.C.D is as simple as A.B.C.

You left your fans hanging for eight years! That's just mean!

Whereas I never once stopped, like a Murder Mystery Machine!

Deduce this; I wrote 91 books over 85 years.

How many books a year? That's right. Now be a dear,

And step down. Don't talk about skill when you've got none.

How you have so much fame today, that's the Final Problem.

Arthur Conan Doyle
It doesn't take a Watson to pick out the flaws in your verse.

If you stay, prepare to be sent away a hearse.

How can you fight if your characters look up to me.

So disappear like you did before or I'll get really ugly.

The probability of you beating me would be Towards Zero.

So Murder Isn't Easy for you to beat this foe.

Hickery Dickery Dock, the mouse ran up the Mousetrap.

And a giant pipe came down and lopped off her trap

Agatha Christie
Each one of my books is meticulously crafted.

New clues woven in from the end every time it's redrafted.

So my fans feel like Sherlock when they get it before the reveal.

So let us gather in the Study as you turn Scarlett from this Ordeal.

You think mystery should be little more than footprints and smells.

I'd rather give the lecturer who inspired you a Bell.

If it weren't for Steven Moffat, your name would mean nothing today.

So walk away from this Dame and out the Postern of Fate.

Arthur Conan Doyle
You can't hurt this rampaging Hound of the Baskervilles!

Your face looks like a Study in Scarlet. Come, have some pills!

Palming this Cerberus will be like the Labours of Hercules!

Now watch me unleash the inner Holmes and go into a frenzy!

I created the world's best detective, above adored all around.

And got a BBC show!, it gives me a fucking crown!

You created a wrinkly old woman and Charlie Chaplin.

And a couple of lovebirds who -must I remind you- look up to the King!

Perhaps the reason for your bad luck was the beauty you lacked.

The mirror took one look at your faced and crack'd.

One, two this amateur doesn't have clue.

Call me the principal of this genre, here I set the rules.

Nobody touches the books, they're all covered with Spiders' Webs.

Your stories are boring and mundane, they're prime's over in a few stabs.

Now you see, who's the more ravage, savage and craftier author.

Now, Parker Pyne your ass on the 4:50 from Paddington before I get away with murder!

Agatha Christie
Ladies and gentlemen, gather round. I'm going to cut through this web of lies.

And expose the true circumstances behind Sherlock Holmes' demise!

See, he went over the edge of a waterfall, but he was dead long before.

Two years before that book came out, you wanted to settle a score.

Is it true, Arthur, that you used to play amateur football and cricket?

Perhaps writing incredibly popular stories was taking your mind off the wicket?

During the time in question you also loved two women.

So much going on it your mind, you undertook to make a decision.

Screw your fans, am I right? The only thing that mattered was you.

Never mind that simply slowing down was something you could do.

So before your hiatus, you wrote a story where he got 'killed' by his foil.

The murderer of Sherlock Holmes is none other than Arthur Conan Doyle!

*Gasp!*

See, that's how you structure a motherfucking murder mystery ending!

Not with some masturbatory autistic 'genius' nonsense clumsily penned in!

I'm the one and only best-selling novelist of all time, sales at 4 billion!

You thought Houdini was actually magic. That's just embarrassing in my opinion.

Poll
WHO WON? Arthur Conan Doyle Agatha Christie