User blog:LemonCore/Charlie Brown vs Holden Caulfield. Epic Rap Battles of Culture



what’s up bitchs. it’s midnight, you know what that means, i’m delirious enough to have any intention of exposing this to you.

as you can see, i’ve rebranded in the interest of not having my dopey ass name on this shit.

If you’re a fuckin yank, it is the ninth of October, this is a very important day, so please take time to honor the legendary John Lennon on his birthday. it’s also my first wikiversary or smthn who gives a shit

For real though, thank y’all for putting up with my Awkwardness™ for such a long time. Much love to all the comrades I’ve made along the way, you went and made this citrus a little less bitter. 💛

A͍͖͈̘͙̘͔͕N̢̠͈͕͇̫Y͖͓̳͜͞W̶̞̰̱̱H̛̥̳̜̯͈͍O͏̹̤̗̙͡ here’s a matchup that means a lot to me personally, because it’s about sad children. Famous sad child Charlie Brown does a rap batlels against famous(?) sad child Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in the Rye boi, here’s a basic rundown of the story if you’re unfamiliar. It is a genuinely great book though, and I did have fun writing this. I realize it’s not very good, the word “you” is used like eighty times, but I hope you can find some degree of amusement in it. Please mind the redirects to completely arbitrary sites, linking reference for literary characters is a pain in the arse.

Battle
Aw yeah dragon rap battles

CHARLie BRowN

vs

holden caulfield

commence

Holden Caulfield: (0:21)

Here comes ol’ Charlie Brown, I didn’t think I’d Come Back

Just to boil the saltiest crumb of the whole Peanut pack.

I’m the man of the hour, check the TIME if you don’t trust me,

You only make paper from reruns in the Sunday Funnies.

I’m taking shots right off the top, Big Game huntin’

This’ll be the grossest phony-squashing since the Great Pumpkin!

Try to throw down with a Catcher, but Chuck’s Little League chucks are weak!

You’ll couldn’t touch first base, Patty’s playing for the other team!

Yeah, I know my flunked my studies, but unlike yours, my sis’ has class

Hell, everywhere I go, Sally’s always a pain in the ass.

Quit trying with your kite, you’re less fly than your Woodstock!

I call that a home run. I got two birds with a rock.

Charlie Brown: (0:54)

An unreliable narrative, you’re quite the terrific liar.

Put the rye right in the toaster, your verse sure Didn’t Start the Fire.

I’ve heard schooling you’s tough, so Pencey Prepare to play ball.

I just can’t stand you, but I won’t be the one taking the fall!

Your ideas are backwards, Holden, Hold on to your huntin’ hat.

I’d talk this out, but by now, you’re used to being pimp slapped.

This sitting duck tried to flow but froze, he has nowhere to go.

J.D. applies himself too much, kids would rather just read Sparknotes.

I’m a childhood icon, your book’s banned in my alma mater.

I’m the toughest beetle in the game, but don’t go terminate another.

You’re just some gamy graffiti, ready to get rubbed out.

Find time to rehabilitate your raps when you’re in the Nut house.

Holden Caulfield: (1:26)

You’re fumbling through a field of rhyme, no one to Catch you.

You’re too pitiful for kiddy comics, are you trying to depress youth?

Your mind is missing rhythm, your local pseudo-psych couldn’t fix it,

But after so many football tricks, it’s no shock that you can’t kick it!

My brother got leukemia, could’ve used your chemo finance.

I know you’ve got dough from shilling out to dental insurance!

Your face on every goddam floss brand and bag of puppy treats!

Brown-nosing begging bitch, no dogs allowed on the beat!

Charlie Brown: (1:48)

How could you recognize a good therapist? Your old teacher’s not one!

Hard to talk about your feelings when all he wants is to cop one!

Wah-wah-walk away before you go pry into people’s business!

Ironic that you hate adults, you’re the one who’s spitting gibberish!

You fight dirty for someone who longs for human connection,

You’re not just in the doghouse, you’re rolling in the Pig Pen!

You can’t rap like Snoop, yet, blowing smoke, head in the clouds.

You’re one high Red Baron, time to shoot you down!

Of course you can’t rhyme, you can’t understand basic poetry.

You’re no Good Man, but I’m the goodest...Oh, good grief

I’m a wishy-washy loser with no sense of design or taste

And I’ve been humiliated again, on display: Glass case.

Holden Caulfield: (2:20)

Grief is a real rough thing to handle in life, kid.

I guess the old blockhead really is full of surprises.

I’ll keep an eye on you, son. Revel in childhood freely.

Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown. Sleep easy.

Who winned? Charlie Brown Holden Caulfield