User blog:Loygansono55/Big Macintosh vs Applejack - Epic Rap Battles of Cartoons Literal Review

Since people liked my first literal review, I decided to make more. I'm changing it up this time by reviewing a fanmade battle, Big Macintosh vs Applejack by SuperThingsOnCups. No offence is intended.

Applejack:
Yee ha! Time to face my big brother,

(I wish I could be that excited about this battle.)

I'm the best apple farmer, second to no other,

(And this is exactly why I'm not excited.)

Am I the best rapper? Eeyup! Are you the best rapper? Nope!

(Alright, let me just consult my checklist: "Extremely generic lines that a 4 year old could come up with"... check.)

I will hang you up like an apple rope!

(Ummm... what the fuck is an apple rope?)

You were raised to say two words, that don't work for shit,

(You're grammar also don't work.)

They should call you just Mac, cause you ain't that big!

(You're smaller than he is, genius.)

Count the numbers, 1, 2, 3, 4, raise this barn,

(You have enough time to raise a barn in the middle of a rap battle? Okay then.)

I kick apple trees, so get ready to get harmed!

(You better watch out, Big Mac. She kicks trees. TREES.)

Big Macintosh:
Shut the hay up, little sister, go drink your apple cider,

(Is that a euphemism for piss?)

You look new around here, let me give you a tour inside here,

(She's not new here, this is where she works and lives.)

You won't get any apple fritter, you stupid Jew!

(I did not know Applejack was a Jew. I also didn't know that ponies could have religions.)

Heck, Applebloom is a better bucker than you!

(Not sure if this is the most beautiful thing I have ever read, or if that last line was just shit.)

Oh, your name is Applejack? Well, I prefer Fruit Loops,

(Yes, her name is Applejack. Did you really not know that?)

You got second place cause there's something you can't handle to do!

(Oh. Care to enlighten us as to what this something is? No? Screw you too.)

They call me big for a reason, they should have named you Appleteeny,

(They should have called you Appleterriblerapper. Yes.)

You only eat red apples, when there's yellow and green!

(Did you seriously waste a line making fun of what colour apples she eats? Who honestly gives two shits?)

Applejack:
You're big? Sure, you make the muscle pony look like a fairy,

(Ouch, way to compliment your opponent. That'll leave a mark.)

You have a more useless character plot than R-R-Rarity!

(And now you're insulting one of your best friends. Are you sure you know how to rap?)

Big Mac? I ordered an apple pie with apple fries,

(They allow ponies into McDonald's now? That might be why the meat tasted funny the last time I was there...)

You're like an old apple pie, so you deserve to die!

(I'm sorry, I can't even.)

You look tired and sweaty, but no breaks!

(It's not his turn to rap, so he technically is taking a break.)

I'm the best apple archer, for fucking God's sake,

(Please tell me what an apple archer is. Does it go with an apple rope?)

I'm a better rapper than you, all you say is yep and nope,

(All you say is that you're better, so I think you're even.)

I would rather rap against Granny Smith cause you're fucking dope!

(Complimenting your opponent once again. Nice way to ensure victory, Applejack.)

Big Macintosh:
Nope! I won, you lost, cause I'm the best,

(Aaaaaaand we're back for more generic lines, with your host, Big Macintosh!)

You always getting apples always leads into a rest,

(She works harder than you, so that's to be expected.)

I might have not won the love of Miss Cherilee,

(You're certainly not going to win over any girls with this horrendous rapping, that's for sure.)

But you didn't get any fame from saving the apple trees!

(Yes she did.)

You don't deserve to be in the apple farm, go work with the Flim Flam Bros.,

(But they worked in the apple farm as well.)

I don't need to rap anymore, cause you just got owned!

(Finally, it's over! Hallelujah!)

I won this battle, no doubt, you need to step it up,

(It's still going? You just said you didn't need to rap anymore, so why are you continuing?)

Am I the best apple farmer?

(Well, Applejack said she was better than you a total of four times. I dunno, I think she may be better.)

...

(This will be so anti-climactic.)

Eeyup!

(Wow! I totally did not see that coming!)

And that's the end of the battle.

This was fun to make, so hopefully you enjoyed it. Not much else to say really, except thanks for reading :)