User blog:Istilldontknow/Edwin Hubble vs. Alexander Oparin

Hey everybody! This is my first battle, featuring the greatest observational cosmologist and namesake of the Hubble Telescope, Edwin Hubble, facing off against the Soviet biochemist and "20th century Charles Darwin", Alexander Oparin. Enjoy (it's kinda long)!

EPIC SCIENCE BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EDWIN HUBBLE

VS.

ALEXANDER OPARIN!

Edwin Hubble
In the beginning, there was a void. And then?

Everything began.

Including me, the best thing to happen to the universe

since the universe decided it needed to be observed.

I'm studying cosmic structures, you're stuck on planet Earth

But none of my work has had glaring errors.

I mean, how could you sideline the nucleus acids

When it's like the first thing you learn in your classes

I've photographed all of the extragalactic classics

While everything about you's like your plants: flaccid!

Wait, seriously? Plants for a thesis? Correct me.

Cause all of science is either physics or stamp-collecting.

And because of me, astronomy counts as physics.

Remember my campaigning in that Nobel Prize business?

That’s right; I paved the way for generations of astronomers.

While you’re just speculating about atmospheric monomers.

And you were wrong! Just ask Miller and Urey.

Now even I would be worried about your primordial slurry.

And, geez, that’s a lot hydrogen for early Earth’s air

I haven’t seen that much since we discovered it in the Sun.

But at least we have spectrometers to prove it’s there.

Maybe you think dissecting cyanobacteria is fun.

Your independent career lasted 10 measly years.

And next thing you know, you’re shilling for your peers.

Knowing that, let me summarize: you started off a botanist.

Then you sold out to Communists; way to stay autonomous.

Alexander Oparin
I see you forgot I’m the 20th century Charles Darwin

And you could say I’ve redshifted, cause I’ve gotten really far, son

So maybe we could skip all of the technical jargon

And hear me say: “I'm harming when I start sprain’!”

I’ll outdwarf that terrible-looking tuning fork of yours.

You forgot a whole type of galaxy—ask de Vaucouleurs!

I’m surprised your wife never asked you for a divorce.

Cause if you wanna know The Origin of Life, you better have some intercourse.

A coordinate transform explains everything you’ve done.

I'm sure I learned that back in Algebra I.

I also learned not to be 600 percent off.

I'm sure everybody's glad you quit practicing law!

And based on your telescope, this will be a cinch.

I could make you unfocused with a millionth of an inch

Not to mention several other of NASA’s disasters.

While I keep on going and I just get faster.

I know it organic won’t matter to you.

But I totally broke through our old worldview.

With abiogenesis! No more flies from dead meat.

You’re just a deadbeat, filling out spreadsheets!

You should throw all your work in a urinal, colonel.

The infernal pile isn’t fit for the Astrophysical Journal.

Which I remember you edited, but I swear, the Edwin before you was better

Despite being blind for a decade, he could still churn out a newsletter!

Edwin Hubble
I’ve won the Great Debate, so whatever you really say,

Just know I expanded humanity beyond the Milky Way

All your coacervates, they just aggravate

While Missouri loves me so much, I have my own highway!

See, all of your theories depend on my field

Your chemicals come from what the stars yield

And then the planets congealed

Wait half a million years, and that’s when we see your deal.

Oh, I know you think everything is biochemical

But check my telescope, it's hella dope.

Who needs glasses when you can peer into deep space

And find yourself a superbubble, where you can lease space

But leave space; I live so large, I'm gonna need space

I won't be lenient, I have the permittivity of free space.

A Hubble length couldn’t contain all the skill I have with me

I’ll kill a Russian so he can end up in Novodevichy.

Plus, the universe is homogenous, so let’s be honest.

My unqualified victory is a cosmological constant!

Alexander Oparin
I'll need more than a superbubble, Hubble.

Cause I'm about to cause a whole lot of trouble, Hubble.

Just like your wife; you never ought to have married.

Because of her, I don’t even know where you’re buried.

And how could you complain about botany when your catalog is Messier

I guess they must have forgotten how to give everything direct names!

Mount Wilson must have some really good PR guys

if you’re famous for a job I could do with my naked eye

I’m the Soviet scientist who rose above the whole Union.

While you’re so wrapped up in your work, you quit going to communion!

So I’ll leave no confusion, this evolutionist just got you ruined!

I went out with a Big Bang, but I’m uncertain ‘bout your conclusion.

Who Won?
Who won? Edwin Hubble Alexander Oparin