User blog:Awesomesix/Awesomesix does: Literal review

Since I'm bored, I decided to make a new blog series thing. This is where I will make a blog about me doing something you suggest. This means just review things. So. Let's get going on this, with the first thing, the oh so overdone, literal review.

Intro
So, welcome everyone. For my review, I decided to honor Mini and his time here and review one of his battles. Mini, if you see this somehow, no harm is meant from this, you were a nice guy and I miss you. Since he loves Carl Gauss, I decided to review his Gauss battle, Carl Gauss vs Archimedes.

Battle
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

CARL GAUSS!

VS!

ARCHIMEDES!

Carl Gauss:

'''I am the Prince of Mathematics! You just have one useful law!'''

Prince of Mathematics is as threatening as Queen of Tommy Wiseau Movies. You don't sound very threatening or powerful.

'''Eureka! I'll crush you with your own stupid claw!'''

A) how is this a genius idea, thus requiring a eureka, and B) I think crushing someone with a giant boat lift thing is overreacting, don't you think?

My polynomial lemma says that you're primitive, son!

Well my polynomial lemma says that you're really confusing me right now.

So much of a simpleton that you're made out of ones!

Gauss was a mathematician, and as seen here, not an expert at anatomy. Clearly Archimedes is made out of bones, flesh, and other body parts, not numbers.

You can't be great- you're just the people's servant!

Just because he was a slave doesn't mean he can't be great. All I hope is he knows anatomy.

You're not smart, but the other Greeks sure were unobservant!

So the Greeks were all dumb, except for Archimedes? No wonder their economy's failing.

After battling this prodigy, you'll want to become my worshiper!

You're as much as a prodigy as I am. I think one Gauss worshiper is enough.

And your pride will truly become of negative curvature!

His pride will become what now? I prefer to deal with math in school, not out of it, thank you.

Archimedes:

Call this the Third Punic War when I come out with the win,

Teehee, Punic sounds like Pubic. Imagine a pubic war...on second thought...don't. I'm pretty sure that's a more accurate description of what this battle will look like at the end.

your mathematics aren't even math so they belong in the bin,

If they're not math, how're they not mathematics? Are they ematics? Apparently those are things.

I'll send you on a boat Friedrich, my rhymes are my Heat Rays,

So you'll put him on a boat and...I'm lost.

harness the power of our sun and set you on fire in a blaze,

Oh. I think the Mythbusters proved the whole setting shit on fire with mirrors or whatever wrong, so good luck.

they preserved your brain for science but really, who does that?

Walt Disney.

quit messing around you old fool, this is real lyrical combat,

This isn't exciting like combat, it's as exciting as...well...math. But what should you expect from 2 mathematicians battling?

you're the method of exhaustion, you did nothing, I approximated Pi,

To reach exhaustion, one must Gauss. How does that work? Oh, and thanks for the number pi, Archimedes. Thanks for that super long number. Like, reaaaaaaaallllyyy long.

you took 3rd place in greatest scientist but I bleieve that it's a lie

I thought Gauss was a mathematician, not a scientist. I'm with Archimedes on this one, I think it's a lie.

Carl Gauss:

You discovered that water took up space - are you kidding me?

I think you should be yelling at everyone else. How did they not discover this?

I rediscovered the world of maths in university!

That didn't rhyme, or not good enough, at least. The "world" of maths. Sounds like something a teacher would say to get students interested in math.

You're not a mathematician- you're an idiotic handyman!

Well, at least he's handy. I don't think half of the world knows you or your stuff exists.

'''The canetoid to my helicoid! You'll never beat me, man!'''

Is that first part a cheesy pickup line? "Oh baby, you're the canetoid to my helicoid." Don't see that winning any girl over. And what to bad pickup lines have to do with beating you? Wait...did you rhyme man with man? Really?

'''You? Mathematics? Stick to raising water for your people!'''

Well, they clearly do need his help, considering they didn't know it took up space.

And trying to figure out what an irrational value equals!

No one wants to do that.

I'll enlighten you with my heliotrope about the things I did!

That sounds really perverted. If you're babbling on about anatomy again, I think you really should learn it. Seriously. No one is made up of ones and heliotropes.

'Cause your genius is equal to that of my kids'!

Well, you're a nice parent. Calling either your kids stupid, or really smart, depending on how you look at that. And on the note of your children, Wilhelm and Wilhelmina? Really?

When I beat you viciously, you won't even see it coming, bitch!

First you threaten to crush him violently, now to beat him up? What is it with you? I don't think Mini should be looking up to you. I think he'd be better off looking up to Eminem, or even Hulk Hogan.

'Cause you know for sure it's the Gauss gun I'll be gunning with!

Gauss gun...Half life?

No one knows what you are except for an idiotic prick,

At least people know who he is...

Who ran aroud town naked showing everyone his dick!

Okay, that's nice. Thanks for the imagery. Ladies and gentleman, Gauss, the guy with a gun who wants to beat and crush a naked man to death. Who's also a mathematician. Or not.

Archimedes:

You had son issues and it could have been avoided if you let them,

Let his sons what? And what were the issues? The fact one of them shared a ripoff name with their sister? I can think of worse reasons.

but you had fear of lowering the family name be soiled cause of 'em,

What. No, what. What does that mean. Reword please.

your first wife died and then more came and left cause you are a Urkel,

...or don't reword, your choice. And what does being Urkel have to do with someone dying? And I thought Gauss was being a dick.

no one knows about you Carl, straight as the Measurement of a Circle,

This line is pretty good. I'll give you that.

I'll have to wrap you up in Gauss when I'm through with you, man,

Wrapping him up in himself cause a rap battle ended? That's not the ideal ending.

καλέσουμε τους στρατιώτες από τη Ρώμη για να κόψουν το χέρι σας,

What. I'm not even going to try and read this.

you wanna mess with me but you can't possibly make this mathematician fall,

He could if he pushes you.

people will hear this tale of how Archimedes beat Gauss, once and for all,

So this is an on going feud...

but I ain't done right there, you made the system of mathematics harder for people,

Didn't Gauss make geometry? If so, yes, he did. Fuck you, proofs suck dick.

I fight between me and you is a landslide, you're a fail, there is no equal,

Again with the weird wording...

I'm celebrated through history, you're only known by a 11 year-old,

Not even going to try and explain the last line?

I've ended this battle, battle, this has been the greatest story ever told!

This is pretty lame for the "greatest story ever told'', and why'd you say battle twice?

Results
Well, this battle is actually pretty good. Mini, you did well here. Anyways, the end.