User blog:The Flatwoods Monster/Sam & Dean vs Mulder & Scully - Epic Rap Battles of Horror Season 4

Hello everyone, and welcome to a way-too-long-in-the-making episode of Epic Rap Battles of Horror. Jumping right into it, this battle was suggested by several people including Cave and ROA as well as a few others. Paranormal inspectors Sam and Dean go toe-to-toe with extraterrestrial investigators Mulder and Scully to see who's the superior duo of investigators on the run from the law, plus religion vs science and a whole bunch of contrast, to take the case of a henious murder. It features the lovely talent of WonderPikachu12 writing as the Winchesters. You can check out his awesome newest battle here. (pls do its been like a year since he's posted). He also helped me keep the Winchesters more in character during the shitty part two of the storyline I'm working on (look at me I jumped on the story bandwagon.) Anyways, I don't have much shit to blabber on about this time so I hope you enjoy the battle and shit. Also, there was a link Wonder wanted me to include in the lyrics that I totally forgot so whoops.

Opening
A crowd was gathering around the crime scene - a young girl lays in a pool of her own blood in the middle of the streets. Questions were flying through the air as the numbers grew. However, one voice rose above the others. All were quickly interrupted as four men in suits and ties, sporting dark sunglasses broke through the crowds. “Move out of the way! FBI coming through!”

Among the members of the men in the suits was a woman with short, orange hair. She walks up to the police and medics, showing her ID.



She is Dana Scully. She walks into the crowd and begins investigating the body, first checking for a pulse, before standing back and pushing away the paramedics. She straps on some gloves and prepares to set to work, but before she can, another voice breaks through the crowd, repeating the same statement from earlier. “Move! FBI agents coming through!” Two men in black suits step up out of the crowd.

“Um. Excuse me, do I know you?” Dana begins, but is quickly interrupted as the brothers move forward and investigate the body closer.

“What is it look like to you?” The taller one says to his partner. “Well, we definitely have a murder on our hands.”

“Hmm… but does it look like a paranormal crime?”

“It could be.”

“Do you two have IDs?”

The long haired brother groaned as they both turned around to face the agent.

“Indeed I do” he says, whipping out two IDs quickly before pulling them back. Scully’s hand shot out and grabbed the ID and inspected it closer, confirming her suspicions.

“Well then, Misters… um… Dan and Bean, but I have to doubt the legitimacy of your identifications here.”

The brothers shared a glance before pulling Dana aside and whispering to her,

“You seem to not be aware of who we are. We’re Sam and Dean Winchester, investigators and hunters of the paranormal.”

“Excuse me if this comes off the wrong way, but I don’t consider “paranormal hunters” a legitimate occupation, so I’m going to have to ask you to leave while we take care of the situation professionally. Please, see yourself out.”

“Yeeeah, that’s not gonna work.”

“Hm?”

“See, what we have here is a very obvious and black and white case of… divine intervention, let’s call it. This girl seemingly fell victim to a spectre of some sort, so we’re here to investigate and find out what we can.”

“It’s not really something you guys can do. We’re kinda on another level.”

“Okay that’s not how this process works.”

“Sorry, we’re kiiinda the best at what we do. For example, Sam, determine the murder weapon with a single glance.”

“Easy, knife.”

“See?”

“Yeah, good going, detective Spencer, there’s a giant stab wound in her stomach. Anyways, my partner Agent Fox Mulder is going to be here to help me solve this crime, and we do not require your… ‘paranormal skills’ here. Either way, fake IDs are a federal crime so I could have you arrested on the spot.”

“Are we gonna have a problem here?”

“Not like it’s one you could solve anyways.”

“we'LL SEE ABOUT THAT”

Introduction
Beat: We Takin' Over

Announcer:
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HORROR!



VS!



BEGIN!

Sam and Dean :
Don't be afraid, Scully. We're here to help you.

Because taking down creeps like you two is what we always do.

Just like Castiel, we blow minds when we rhyme!

We've been saving people and hunting things our whole lives!

And we've been through heaven and hell, but it's your show that kills us.

Lamer conspiracies than the Illuminati, with constant mistrust.

Watching your show is a bore. No wonder you got disbanded so many times.

We'll eat you up easily. I do love me some pie.

We've been beating ghosts and demons and Death and fallen angels.

Always in it together, while Mulder drags Scully into danger.

But even then, you're just always trying to Deep Throat this guy.

You can try to beat us, but just like our show, we never die.

I'm like the Prophet of the Lord, for I foresee your loss.

We can can a Dana and then hunt down a Fox.

We can take this case. We don't even need fake aliases.

Why don't the both of you just go back to hunting brainless aliens?

Mulder and Scully :
(Phone rings)

Mulder, it’s me, and I’m on the case of a gory crime,

Of identity fraud, murder, trespassing, and incomplete storylines

I’m on my way. Just wait until you’ve heard the testament that they’ve pled

They’ve Crossed Roads with the rap Demon and this time, they'll stay dead

So according to your guilty pleas, you say you’ve been through hell and heaven,

But the former must look tame compared to sitting through your season seven

I assume you’ll try to convince me you’re “special” and “magical”

But there’s nothing about these incestous besties that is “Super” or “Natural”

Now I’m on the scene of Sam and Dean, for my time, you should be grateful

My colleague has handled Dipper so I’ll aim Cannons at Mabel

Sam’s more unstable than his raps, as crazy as his fables about angels

Fox has been rocking mics before Azazel rocked your cradle

Surely they’re coming to SOME conclusion, I would guess not

Because Agent Scully is skeptical that your show ever had a plot

These Sherlock jerk-offs sure locked on their loss

It’s a conspiracy! The clues deduce you douches a Twin Peaks rip-off!

Sam and Dean :
We'd go get our supplies, but you both have plenty of salt in the back.

We're the rip-offs? Yeah, coming from the Man and Woman in Black.

You ought to give some praise. We always do things by the book.

I'm sure that your good disses are there. ''You just have to know where to look. ''

We'll send Mulder back into hiding once we snap this man like a toothpick.

They can't understand that the government tried to hide everything that they ever did.

Deny Everything, even our win. These paranoid idjits ''Trust No One. ''

The biggest mystery of all is why they're coming back for another season.

Mulder and Scully :
I Want To Believe that we aren’t what these abstract cash grabs are inspired by,

But The Truth Is Out There, that hurts my pride. No wonder the laws no longer on our side

So then let’s set it straight - Investigate how your bogus stories are fake,

Your biblical blabbering of ghosts and wraiths only makes me further doubt my faith

I’d give you a proper schooling, but you couldn’t attend one long enough to learn

Winchesters overturned - Followed in their mother's footsteps and got burned

How’s their flow so awful? I’m a medical doctor, and the answer is

Their show and fan base follow with their creator - Diagnosed as cancerous

Announcer:
WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HORROR!

Ending
The case had wrapped up and the two duos had set their own paths to find out who had committed the crime. The Winchesters took a more paranormal route whereas Mulder and Scully are attempting to find a scientific explanation and deduce a proper murderer. Mulder and Scully had the advantage, being actual FBI agents, as they were able to bring the evidence straight to a crime-scene investigation. After passing on the corpse and blood samples to proper forensic anthropologist, Temperance Brennan and her assistant Seely Booth got straight to work.

They eventually deduced the corpse's identity to be Alice Liddell.

Outro


Who Won? Sam & Dean Mulder & Scully

Hint Decoding:

Roman Numeral I - I

Ignorance and Want - Ignorance has a lightbulb over his head, making him no longer ignorant, therefore leaving Want

Roman Numeral II - To

Wasp - Be

Leaf - Lieve

I WANT TO BELIEVE