User blog:The Flatwoods Monster/The Crooked Man vs It Follows. Epic Rap Battles of Horror Season 5

Hello once again and welcome back to another episode of Epic Rap Battles of Horror Season 5. This is a battle no one suggested. Nobody. However, both individual characters were suggested so that kinda works!!!!!!!! Anyways, I came up with this idea after watching It Follows back on Halloween. I really, really did not enjoy it. Nonetheless, I was interested in using it, aaaand that brings us up to date just about. This matchup was (sort of) suggested by the likes of Stofferex who was REALLY interested in seeing the Crooked Man, so I hope I delivered, and TKandMit, who first suggested It Follows to me. Teddy beat me to the punch for first It Follows battle so go check his out too, his match-up was much more clever than mine anyways. That being said, I’m running out of things to blabber about, so match-up time. In a spooky turn of events, the titular spiteful ghost of Duke MacGahan, The Crooked Man, crosses paths with the demonic and mysterious entity, The Follower , from the 2015 film It Follows, to see who’s the superior of two zombie-like, perpetually stalking entities who curse their protagonists for innocent acts, as well as get the total shit beaten out of them by said protagonist, but come back every time. The Crooked Man is a rather obscure RPG Horror Game, but still is one close to my heart, so I hope his obscureness doesn’t affect the battles quality (or lack thereof) for anyone.

Speaking of Stoff (earlier, that is,) it's his anniversary! (notreallybuthemadeablogforittodaysocloseenough) so consider this a present, I guess

Other then that, new remaster between now and the next battle (most likely) so uh… yay? Another misc battle coming up at some point or another.

Enjoy

Prologue
David shook awake after coming out of a deep nightmare; nothing unlike the usual ones he had experienced ever since his first run in with his accursed follower, but still unnerving all the same. The nightmare itself was not what David shook for, though - instead, it was his unusual surrounding.

He was tied down to a chair, situated in the middle of an abandoned parking garage. He looked around frantically as he tried to decipher where he was, and how he had got there. Then, out the shadows, stepped a blonde girl, her face obscured by a hood, nervously tapping her feet with her hands in her jacket pockets.

“W... Who are you?!” He shouted accusingly. She looked confused for a moment before crossing her arms.

“Have you forgotten that quickly?” She inquired. David looked at her like she was crazy, though her voice sounded familiar. “Look, it doesn’t matter. I’m not here to hurt you. I’m here to warn you, and then I’ll hopefully never see you again.”

David began sweating nervously, though he slightly relaxed when she mentioned not wanting to hurt him. The woman stepped out of the darkness, and he finally recollected his memory of the past night.

“Y-You’re that… that girl… Jay? I met you last night at the bar… we…”

“Yes, yes, I can do without the details. I know what we did and I’m not proud of it. But my life was at stake, and now yours’s is too.”

“W-What?!”

“That’s, uh, that’s why I brought you here. Overnight. Because you wouldn’t believe me if I didn’t show you.”

Jay cut David’s restraints with a small knife she carried and led him over to look outside.

“Do you see them?” She asked, pointing abysmally outside. David nodded, as he watched an older lady shuffling mindlessly, very slowly, towards the parking garage.

“I don’t know what they are, I don’t know where it came from. I can’t even see it. Only you can.”

David looked at her once again as if she were insane. “But what I do know is, it will follow you until it finds and kills you. Then it will come for me. Then for the person before me, and so on, and so on.”

“And the way to transmit it is to... “ David looked over, awkwardly making the hand motions for sex.

“Uh, yeah. It’s not ideal. Anyways… you best be running.” She asked, “It won’t come for me, but it won’t take kindly to me either.”

“Y’know what else it won’t fucking take kindly to?” He snapped back aggressively, “The other fucking monster I have chasing me!”

“...what?”

“His name is Duke… and I don’t know why, but he’s been following me for well over a month now and…”

“Well, maybe they’ll cross paths and kill each other.”

“Oh, great, two monsters fighting over who gets to tear me to pieces. Thanks a lot, asshole.”

Jay threw her hood back on and slipped into the shadows, flashing double middle fingers as she went

Announcer:
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HORROR!



VS!



BEGIN!

Crooked Man:
The Crooked Man rocks a Crooked smile with Crooked intent,

When he’s packing Crooked Stiles worth more than a Crooked Sixpence!

To walk the extra Crooked Mile, he’ll play a Crooked game of Crooked Cat and Mouse

As his Crooked fires can’t be doused, he’s bringing down the Crooked House!

His Crooked schemes will make her scream, though she cannot Feel or Think

Call this Crooked rap a swimming pool, because she’s sure to S I N K!

This nuisance forms are as inconsistent as her stupid lore and twice as much of a putrid bore,

This abusive whore is more successful than the Sandman at inducing snores!

It’s no daring taunt to scare this emo since even Tarantino mocked you!

You only talk as fast as you can walk and I’ve already...



CAUGHT YOU!

My Crooked ways invade this fake, and there’s no chance to escape

Hoover should’ve warned this loser but no one’s coming to her AIDs!

My Crooked raps attack festering lesser beings when my wrath’s shedding

Your story excluded any conclusion but losing this feud is your...



Bad Ending!

Watch a diss swallow this bitch wallowing in her script’s sorrow,

What happens when a bad idea gets away? ShIt Follows.

It Follows:
Better catch some Z’s while you can still breathe, I’m about to creep in,

Trim this freak’s limbs like sheepskin that no one even believes in

Bring the hurt to me? But you can’t hit what you sure can’t see,

Nor can you try serving me - Only rhymes you bring are from the nursery!

I’m stalking a sobbing zombie who flopped harder than his job dreams

Your lyrics wouldn’t be any more sloppy if they were written in coffee!

I could hear this child from a mile away; and now you’ve been found,

But you’re more fit to spit versus a different It based on how you’re clowning around!

It’s a fact; You’re only biding time ‘til you’re fried by the raps I invoke,

I’ll out rhyme this slimy mite with skills to put him back on the ropes!

Fire off every shot you’ve got but it’s for naught, I can only be stalled, bitch

No one will care when you fall, kid. Even your mother won’t recall it.

Crooked Man:
Forget me as if I was your premise? This faceless rapist has got a screw loose,

Promised you’d produce a better rhyme but I’m still Waiting For You to

Rap more lacking than your back-story; Turn the track gory, you’re cornered!

This stalking boar’s a walking disorder who only puts the “whore” into “horror”!

Devouring a coward with rhymes more awkward than her Crooked sex scenes

Wretched schemes found in this Crooked nightmare, you’re just a wet dream

I'm the embodiment of your own hopelessness, all you are is an infection

And so the Crooked rap package wracked havoc and your facts lacked Protection

It Follows:
I see your lies through gouged out eyes and yet you’re blinder than me

To think that I’m the one who’s screwed when your teachers keep giving you the D

So if you thought David’s burns were painful, then wait until I turn the tables,

Better Cry Wolf while you’re still able, all that’ll be left of you is a Fable

Should’ve avoided the fight with the Follower as you’ve already lost enough

But leaving your mangled corpse on the shore won’t make you any more washed up

I shake your disses off like bullets and overshadow you like Witches and Art

Call me a coward all you want, that makes me the second Sissy who broke your heart

I’ll squash any Fluffy mummy like a bug, leave you broken, scarred and damned

‘Cause botching to spar my rants isn’t the first time you’ve failed a Bar Exam

This Duke’s been cornered by the King and it looks like it's Checkmate

The entity bent this venomous enemy; the Crooked Man got set straight.

Announcer:
WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

(The logo is seen very far away)

EPIC...

(The logo reappears, way too close to the screen.)

BATTLESOFHORRORRRRR!!!

Epilogue
Max and Chloe looked on in horror as the entire town around them began to decay. Never before seen monsters crawled their way out of the hole in the sky, shuffling along the skyline as if it was ground. A hellish, black humanoid with large wings flew downwards towards the two of them. Chloe</span. blocked it’s attack and punched it in the face. It flew away in pain.

Still in slight disbelief at what she just saw, Max only barely noticed the vibrating of her phone coming from her pocket. She quickly pulled it out, expecting to see a text from one of her friends detailing their current situation. Instead, it was from an anonymous number.

“Is now really the time to be texting?!” Chloe frantically questioned, kicking away a scaly, gray humanoid.

“J-Just give me a minute, this is important!” Max snapped back, checking the message frantically.



“Get in the truck!” She demanded. Chloe looked over at her rusted four wheeler, before turning back to see a gigantic, hairy arm erupt from behind the building closest to them. “Yeah, good idea, let’s do that.”

The two scrambled inside the vehicle, clicking in their seat belts. “Give me your GPS.” She demanded, Chloe nonchalantly throwing it over to her as she started the car.

Quickly inputting the coordinates, Max repositioned the navigational device to where Chloe could see it, and then returned to her phone.



“Where is this taking us, exactly?”

“I don’t know, but wherever it is… I hope it’s safer than this.” Max responded, eyeing three enormous monsters tearing at each other in the rear view window.

“Honestly, works for me.” Chloe responded, turning on her windshield wipers as a metric ton of marshmallows splattered the ground in front of them.

Outro


Who won? The Crooked Man The Follower

HINT DEDUCTION:

Warren Graham Outside Your Window: Stalkers, basically.

Pennywise's Twitter Account: Pennywise is the main villain of Stephen King's It. He's referred as such quite often in the media. If he were to subscribe to you on Twitter, or follow you, as the saying goes, then It Follows.

Hillary & Trump: Like I said, this hint fucking sucked. Trump's nickname for Hillary is "Crooked Hillary." You can figure the rest out from there.

Viruses: STDs. It Follows. Figure it out.