User blog:Joeaikman/The Night King vs Santa Claus

Welcome, welcome, welcome one and all to an incredibly festive (sort of) rap battle by me, Josef Aikman. I realise that this is coming too late for both Christmas and the Premiere of Season 8 of Game of Thrones, but I'm a lazy fuck so deal with it. This has actually been written since before the premiere but I just didn't publish rip. That means that this battle doesn't contain spoilers for the final season of GoT (who would have thought that Hodor came back to life to murder Cersei?), though it does have spoilers from Seasons 1 through 7. You have been warned. Remember, the Night is Dark and full of Spoilers.

So in this battle we have one cold motherfucker, the Night King, an icy necromancer with immense power, going up a jolly bowl of jelly, Santa Claus, to see who comes down from the North better, I guess. The connection doesn't sound good, but it is there! Unlike our polar icecaps. Don't make Santa homeless folks. I hope you enjoy this battle, and peace out.

Night King
You’d need a Long Night to deliver all your gifts presently Winter is Coming! On target flows because I throw like Zelezny I can bring Snow to his knees, and make the great Wall fall Kill tree gods on their thrones in their very own cave halls I’m ice cold! King of a Land where Winter is the gist Watch kids all night, and find yourself on a naughty list I drop Royces and boys and dragons whilst they’re mid-flight You’re breaking and entering for an entire Christmas night Getting pulled over for speeding and driving drunk in the sky Take away Dancer and Prancer and this guy wouldn’t be very fly So fall from the rooftops because a fat man couldn’t go nimbly Christmas is cancelled because Santa’s stuck in a chimney

Santa Claus
Watch your flows, foe, for some giftwrapped knowledge is coming An actually memorable villain gets off their ass to do something It takes me a single night to dispense presents by the piles Your snow cone ass takes a year just to wander a few miles I can sleigh any Elsa wannabes ripping off on Frozone You’re like the Walking Dead but trapped inside a snow globe I’m the bushy bearded daddy bring joy to the planet I hear your queen's like the common cold; everybody's had it You’re frozen and frigid, whilst I plant my North Pole in some hoes You’re getting throned and owned by some white boys out in the snow So hurry off home, Frosty, before I feel the need to beat ya Your everlasting winter peters out against a fucking heater

Night King
Ice bars, bro, but I think Rudolph has got the hump You’re flowing red everywhere at your time of the month December 25 is buried deep within my chilling winter This lone wolf’s howl wil transform into a weak ass whimper

Santa Claus
Your verses drag on, and your game’s getting boring Better get to the action scenes quickly cos my patience is thawing And for good reason! You're wandering whilst killing and teasing You're not even the biggest villain who made it to the final season

Night King
That was Bad, Santa, maybe you should have tried a bit harder More time writing rhymes and less time spent in the larder Get your overeating arse out of those pies, or I'll mince you till your bleeding And leave little pieces of you under trees as my own seasons greetings

Santa Claus
By the Lord I can Command any stock baddy bullies thrown forth You wage war on some kids, whilst I bring my fully grown force I give gifts like I'm Baelish with the cold heart of Tywin You'll be crying frozen tears because my list says that I win

Who Won? Night King Santa Claus