User blog:Joeaikman/Ivan the Terrible vs Alexander the Great - Rap Battle

Welcome to my interpretation of the idea that I hope ERB do for their mid season finale. Ivan the Terrible, the legendary Tsar of Russia, battles off with Alexander the Great , conquering king of Russia. Ivan is backed up by Vlad the Impaler and Attila the Hun, whilst Alexander is aided by Rameses the Great and Constantine the Great. Hope you enjoy!

This Zeusless ruler’s ruthless hubris serves problematic to his suitors

His generals were his wooers, but I will make him first time a loser

Conquest capital became his tomb when wine proved to be his death

Hear his lyrics and prove that we should switch our wrong epithets

I’m the bruising brute of Moscovy, Conquest climates most severe

The moment you were challenged you suddenly Tyred of your career

I’ll Sack your many self named cities with a sword of faith and rock

Your descendants took my money to build churches to their gods

Whilst you died heirless none can deny my truly Great virility

Expanding Russian borders whilst still crushing my own nobility

Your empire fell with you and your descendants only took a sliver

Yet you choose to babble on, so baby can you cry me a River

Only a Basileus chosen by the Olympiad can truly rule you

Aristotle schooled me on how exactly I can school you

An overgrown failure who both audibly and godlessly

Defied my prophecy and tried to stop my Great Odyssey

I’m a lion leading lions, you’re a sheep needing sheared

Slash a sword so as to cut countless knots in your beard

The truth is you’re a nuisance to your noble class and all

Regard you as a mocked monarch and a Tsar that must fall

And he only left an heir who was incompetent in the head

Good for him, I suppose, when another son was left dead

Beaten by daddy, hence the Terrible has stuck on the end

Of this brutal tyrant who was put in the world by inbreds

I hear a massacre brewing, and Vlad is Hungary for a piece of it

A Wallachian Prince, on a crusade against this shit lyricist

Your victories are nothing, your enemies already beaten

Claimed as undefeatable but got taken down by the seasons

Cross me and watch a forest form of your fighting phalanx

I inspire loyalty in my guards, you only find dissent in your ranks

Bruising boyars and blood, bashing both Elders and Sultans

Keep Voivodes as advisors, your eunuch lover’s your consultant

Spit, Serpent, or find the wrath of the church and its might

Sharpen a new spike so as to raise you high after this Night

This is a fight you can’t win, tactics won’t prevent the fail

And when you lose to Vlad there’s only one fate; impaled

As sure as the Nile must flood, so must the cannon of Canaan

Verse a Tsar who’s wasteland even my men couldn’t campaign in

Mock a crackpot orthodox, who couldn’t match to my blocks

Walled off in his city cos I’m a Simbel to the truest gods

Ra chose me to bring a sadist down to the level he should be

Dethroned by his brother, even when backed by christianity

Betrayed by his allies, locked up in a cell for being meek

Came back to claim the throne, but would only last a week

I took many festivals in my reign, easier sed than done

You can crawl to sue for peace because Egypt has won

The Great Ancestor of rap, and we can truly say for certainty

You rest in a lost tomb, whilst I lie with kings for all eternity

Attila’s killer thriller lyrics prove to be a harsh hitter

Makes your bitter slaves worship me like your holy river

The horse lord and war lord of hordes you cannot score

Fought wars for the plunder that this Hun must enforce

I mired the entire of North Rome, you strived for a ceasefire

We go on a savage rampage that bleeds a whole empire

Charge forward, men! Launch arrows to give a slaughter

To the sons of a heathen who fucked his own daughter

Feed a horse, now lead to stampede a Greek boy

Whose Alexiad played at war like it’s a freak’s toy

Unmarked tomb maybe, but that is the mark of a ruler

Not a slave remembered for a cartoon in the future

Ave, countrymen! I hear a Hun wants to oppose mighty Rome

Yet every time he launched a conquest he was roughly sent home

No successes before his death at the hands of his wedding guests

Fought the rest, but had the Gaul to be left dead in Budapest

Reformed many parts of society, and the solidus is solidest

Changed Ecclesiastical History like my foremost novelist

Cross off all my enemies whether by noose or by Tiber

Send their heads to Carthage as evidence of my fibre

The rightful Augusti and Emperor, I started a dynasty

Revolutionised the clergy and brought forth a great city

I’m equal to the apostles, blessed with Chi and Rho

Guided my army by Christ to slay more enemies of Rome

Let the Hunnic punish! All your legions aren’t comparable

Waste your time as Greats, when the joys of life are Terrible

No Roman mogul can ogle with the most vocal and ignoble

Your fame claim dropped as its Istanbul not Constantinople

Beware the bear of Russia, let my cavalry charge cause fear

Feel the pain when my timbre tears up inside your rear

We made our mark on history with blood and guts and gore

These Greats may compensate for being the kids of whores

The tepid threats of Tepes do not scare people in General

We have large monuments, you have ephemeral burials

Stele victories, but with honour as the son of a saint

Feint right, then strike, but hit you with some restraint

We led better lives, hence why we took our sobriquets

The fear of the Pharohs, the Wonders of the ancient plains

We live on forever, always to be immortalised in song

There’s a reason that tyrants never rule for very long

Who Won? The Greats The Terribles

The Best Great? Alexander Rameses Constantine

The Best Terrible? Ivan Vlad Attila