User blog:Hippie Rat/Colonel Sanders vs General Tso

Hey yo hi hello

So I've been really slow with these. Mainly because 1)I'm working on a project for the wiki, I'm like almost done and I'll edit this blog when it's done so this isn't always outdated info, and 2)I actually already had Spider-Man vs Hugh Hefner written, while this one wasn't quite done yet...was kinda expecting that one to get the vote....whoops... oh and 3)I just bought a car and I'm going through the whole "learning how it feels to drive by myself in my own car" stuff so yeah been a bit busy. Anyway this battle's finally done and it's damn tasty.

So today we got the battle between fast food and Chinese food, American cuisine vs Chinese cuisine, a history and comparison of agricultural techniques, and chicken. Lots of chicken. General Zuo Zongtang, inspiring studier of agriculture and promoter of growth of other crops in order to eliminate Chinese opium growth and namesake of General Tso's chicken, against Colonel Harland Sanders, creator and mascot of fast food chain KFC, to see who is the better representative of eating habits. And this is the color of the chicken.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy, and have a good day.



Lyrics
Announcer:

Epic Rap Battles of History! General Tso vs Colonel Sanders ! Begin!

General Tso:

Ni hao, Harley, you pink-faced redneck,

You're about to wish you never boarded the Panda Express.

Shoes off, sit down, relax, crack a cookie:

"The key to peace and stability is an educated, healthy citizenry."

You're not an accomplished chain, check the facts, chow down,

On how your competing chicken is a bunch of illiterate cows.

My crops are honest, led armies 'till I tilled all land I knew,

Your food has so much grease that John Travolta's in the drive thru!

Colonel Sanders:

Now hold up there, Nuprin, I'm the real five-buck deal,

And I'm not gonna make a critic out of the Cao Cao of the rice fields.

I'm serving up a deep-fried hater with a biscuit and mashed taters,

'Cause them busy everyman-types need their supper sooner than later.

Like a fresh chicken breast, I got myself rolling in dough,

Cash that in on a bucket and get that gravy flow!

'Cause I'm big on six continents; unless you're Mickey D's, I can't be beat,

So come and take a bite of some processed meat.

General Tso:

The only time I'd so much as nibble on your goods,

Is so the general's spitting fast, food!

This sales guy's just giving decent gas prices in an economic crisis,

Now under pressure, fried, he's so high on eleven herbs and spices.

Colonel Sanders:

Come on, you don't know the basics of American tastes; keep wokking, Bawk!

I gotta bear your thick accent like you got a.. wonton lust to keep talking. BA-KAWK!

So I'mma go and flick your noodles and the whole kit and caboodle,

Of Chino greens, rice, pork, soybeans, milk, and sauce like "toodles!"

Ain't no one enjoy authentic cuisine of the Yangtze River.

Our customers are precious as a baby and KFC delivers!

The Colonel's Spicy Chicken is grade A, while the kick your chicken gives is a little D,

A true American would eat at KFC, take it from me.

General Tso:

Is this just another commercial to you?

Hell, I almost expected you to change actors halfway through!

'Cause now you're just a mascot, a symbol of what them fat cats got,

All the corporate shit you don't agree with, they just slapped your mask on.

But that don't get you off the meat hook that easy,

This short-tempered adulterer? You're like your coleslaw, 'cause you make me queasy.

See, I became general through agricultural teaching and leadership treatments,

You're only called a colonel 'cause your cooking's halfway decent!

Colonel Sanders:

Oh, Luozi, you're stubborn as the mules I used to tend to,

You're yellow as a corn kernel and just as historically minuscule.

So I'm surprised to be hearing such cowardly talk,

From an Asian who's known to be prone to small cocks. bawk.

We got them GMOs, and you can GTFO,

Sing your silly Song as you watch the rice grow, you're too slow.

Now it's fast-ripe for the pickin'! But the general - he ain't kickin'!

The Colonel spit the skin off this chicken! Man it's finger lickin'! Good!

Announcer:

Who won? Who's next? You Decide! Epic Rap Battles of History!

Trivia

 * The first line I came up with for this battle was the ending line ("The Colonel spit the..."). The last line I came up with for this battle was the line right before that ("Now it's fast-ripe for...").
 * You may notice that some chickens cameo'd to say "Bawk!" and the like throughout the battle. They would only speak when the line they're cameoing in had an "awk" rhyme.
 * Over the course of writing this battle, KFC's "Colonel rotation" ad campaign went through three different Colonels: Jim Gaffigan, George Hamilton, and Rob Riggle, so in a way, he did "change actors halfway through."
 * This battle was hinted at on my user page with the hint: "Cock fight".

Poll
Who won? General Tso Colonel Sanders