User blog:Amontgomery1432/Amont: The Memetic Music Critic - Episode 1: Big Shaq - Man's Not Hot

Yeah, yeah, I know I posted a blog a couple days ago. Do April Fool's blogs really count as content, though? I would argue that, no, they do not.

Greetings, my fellow Wikians. Welcome to the very first episode of Amont: The Memetic Music Critic! In this series, I'll be taking a listen to songs that have spawned some sort of a meme and riffing the shit out of them while passing it off as a review. Yeet. Our first song comes to us straight from Neo.



Thanks, Neo! When he made this comment, I immediately knew that it was perfect for the first episode. And, so, here we are. We'll be listening to a weird song, known as "Man's Not Hot". The song started out as a May 2017 Instagram post by English comedian Michael Dapaah that was eventually turned into a September 2017 music video. It quickly gained meme status, meaning that Grandayy milked it for all it was worth and continues to do so even to this day. For this episode, I will be using the video that is most associated with the song. Below is said video, so that you can watch it either before or while you read the review.



The song lyrics are written in bold, and my commentary is written in italics. Enjoy!

Let's Get Into It!
(Firstly, before the song starts, I wanna point out that the title refers to the artist as "Roadman Shaq", but the artist himself calls himself "Big Shaq". Well, which is it? I haven't even heard the man speak yet and I'm already confused)

'''Okeh. Uh, boom. Big Shaq!'''

(Okay. I'm gonna call him "Big Shaq")

Hold tight, asnee!

("Asnee"? Did you just have a stroke? Are you okay, man?)

Scoopnum, ratnum, oosna!

(What in the actual hell are you saying? Is this your Fantastic Beasts 3 audition?)

Hold them together, as well

(Okay, I should probably clarify that I don't know what Big Shaq is saying half the time. Because of that, I'm having to type out the lyrics as I interpret them. I apologize beforehand for any lyrics I get wrong during this)

'''Boom! 2 plus 2 is 4. Minus 1? That's 3! Quik mafs!'''

(Yes, Mr. Shaq, I did indeed pass Kindergarten. I know basic mathematics. It's when you start throwing numbers into the mix, that's when my brain shuts down)

Everyday, Man's on the bloCK *awkward pause* Smoke trees

(I don't what you did to make the word "block" sound like that at the end, but, whatever it was, I'm gonna need you to never do it again. Especially not that close to the microphone. Also, I'm pretty sure "trees" doesn't rhyme with "mafs". Also also, "smoke trees"? Smokey the Bear is gonna wanna have a word with you after this)

'''See your girl in the park. That girl is a uckers!'''

(How dare you speak to my girl like that, whatever the hell that means?)

When the ting went "quack, quack, quack", you, Man, were ducking!

(Ooh! Soooo close! You almost rhymed! Also, I'll assume that "ting" is slang for a firearm of some sort? Well, yeah, if a gun walked up to me and starting making duck noises, I'd probably find a place to hide, as well)

'''Hold tight, asnee! He got a pumpy!'''

(There you go with that "asnee" shit again. What is that?)

'''Hold tight, my man. He's got a frisbee!'''

(Um, I think I'd be more afraid of a man shooting a gun at me than I would be of somebody angrily tossing a circle at me)

'''I trap, trap, trap on a rom. Movin' that Corn Flakes'''

(I prefer Cookie Crisps, honestly, but to each their own. Not sure what that trap bit is all about, but it doesn't matter now that you've pledged your allegiance to an inferior cereal brand. Cookie Crisp, Cereal Overlord. SUBMIT)

Rice Krispie

(One, singular grain of Rice Krispie)

Old-timer girl, Whitney (Perfect!)

(I'm not even gonna bother questioning that. Compared to the rest of the wacky shit in this song, that was normal)

Under road to a ten toes

(I have absolutely no idea what he said here. I'm sorry)

Llama toes

(Please use your words)

You man fought I frost

(S P E A K C L E A R L Y)

If I see a pen girl, I pose

(If any normal human person saw a sentient pen with tits walking down the sidewalk, posing for it/her would be the last thing on their minds. I'd call the fucking Men in Black before I even considered boning that pen)

If she's not on it, I ghost

(Oh, I didn't know that Danny Phantom had a rap career)

'''Ha! Look at yuh nose'''

(Alright, what about it?)

'''Wuh? You dickHEAD! Look at yuh nose!'''

(Kinda hard without a mirror. Also, I do not appreciate that kind of language, sir. This is a Christian establishment)

Nose long like garden hose

(I'm not a nose expert, but I'm pretty sure that's fucking impossible)

'''Shhhhhhhhh. Ya get me?'''

(Absolutely)

'''Boom! Man's on a comba kin (Yeh, yeh, yeh)'''

(Google Translate doesn't have a Gibberish setting to my knowledge, so Idk what he just said)

*a bunch of random shit happens that I'm not gonna bother typing out*

(Okay, now who's this fat bastard here tryna mess up Big Shaq's vibe? He's supposed to be shaking? Is that what I heard? "Shaking"? Shaking from cringe, prolly)

'''Alright, boom. Let's go. Boom!'''

(Is this song almost over yet?)

Hop on the four-door with the 4:40, that's one, two, free, and four

(With a four-wheel-drive, at the age of fourteen, and 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything)

Chilling in the corridor

(It's the best)

Your Dad is 44

(Wait a minute, my Dad actually is 44. How in the Amish hell did you know that?)

And he's still calling Man for a drawer

(No thanks. We got plenty of those)

Let him know, when I see him, I'm gonna split his jaw

(What did my Dad ever do to you to deserve this kind of mistreatment?)

Take my tricks by force, Sandman shock by force

(He'll get to you after he's finished killing Uncle Ben)

Ya dun know I’ve got the sauce

(Ohh, good. We’re actually running out. You got any Ketchup?)

'''No Ketchup. Just sauce'''

(Oh, okay. Fuck you, then)

Raw sauce

(We get it, you don’t have to rub it in)

'''Boom! Yo! Gah!'''

(Boom Yoga? Is that Shaun T’s new workout program?)

The ting goes SKRRRRRAH!

(It does what, now?)

'''Pa! Pa! Ka! Ka! Ka!'''

(That is the closest you’ve come to making an actual gunshot sound during this entire song. I don’t know whether I’m proud or embarrassed)

Skibikip pa pop!

(Okay, you’re not the fucking Scatman. Calm down)

And a poom-poom, doo-doo-doo-doom!

(And a ramma-lamma-lamma, ka-dingingy-ding-de-dong to you, too, mutha fucka)

SKYAH!

(Your audition to play Link in the live-action Legend of Zelda movie has been received, and subsequently rejected)

Doon-doon-coon-coo-doon-coo!

(GET OFF THE STAGE!)

Poom poom!

(You are ruining the good name of Scatman John. Constant use of his name is making me want to cover one of his songs on this series. Maybe)

'''Ya dun know. Big Shaq! Hyah. Yo. Yuh-yuh'''

(Do you know where you are right now? Have you lost your mommy?)

'''Aright. Fi-fi-fiyah inda boomph'''

(Jesus, dude, you stutter worse than me)

'''Ya get me? Man’s not hot. I say “Man’s not hot”'''

(Alright, everybody, he said it! We can go home now!)

'''Ha. Coh. I tell her “Man’s not hot”'''

(Who is the “her” that you’re referring to? Whitney?)

The girl told me “Take off your jacket”

(How dare she!?)

I tell her “Babes, Man’s not hot!”

(Good on ya! Tell it like it is!)

'''Yo! Man can never be hot!'''

(I beg to differ. Have you seen Tom Hiddleston? I would fuck him without a second thought)

Perspiration King: Lynx Effect!

(what)

'''Yo. Ya dun know'''

(i dun know that my brain just broke)

Conclusion:
Is...Is it over? I survived? Alright, good. Well, that was...That was something.

In all seriousness, this song is highly entertaining, even if it is solely from how dumb it is. I totally see why this was meme'd and I'm glad it was. That does not make it a good song, though. At all. Like, my IQ has dropped 25 points after listening to that. It was already at 25, though, so I guess I'm fucked.

After this blatant slaughtering of the English language, I feel like listening to something that is not in this language. So, you have options for what Episode 2 is. All of these will be covered eventually, but this is just for the time being. The one with the most votes after two weeks will be given series time. Yee

What should Episode 2 be? That Weird Russian Singer - Chum Drum Bedrum O-Zone - Dragostea Din Tei Daler Mehndi - Tunak Tunak Tun None of These (Leave an Alternative Below)