User blog:Alexschmidt711/Rap Battle Review 6 - HarryPotter2875 2-for-1

One thing I don’t see in that many rap battle reviews are reviews of battles related to history. If the battles are bad enough, they’ll review them, but they usually seem to prefer the non-historical ones. This is probably because most of the reviewers don’t care as much about history, but I do, so I say: give me more history battles! So for this quest, what better place to turn than a channel whose rap battles are always history themed, HarryPotter2875! It’s hard for me to decide which battle to review, in part because there’s a good bit of material in the early reviews (you should know what I’m talking about if you’ve seen them), yet I don’t want to just review those. So I’m going to review multiple battles in one outing for the first time! Yay?

Our first offender is the second battle: Alexander the Great vs. Richard Nixon. Out of the early battles, I chose this one because the matchup doesn’t make that much sense. What’s the connection, just “world leaders?” That’s pretty flimsy, especially for a series all about history. Admittedly, there is a contrast between them which could make for a good battle, like how Picasso vs Bob Ross took advantage of how different their personalities were, but it’s not a clear enough contrast for me to see how it’d work.

Announcer:
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY (The announcer is fine, and the beat seems good too. However, I could’ve maybe appreciated a different title, though it is appropriate given that these are historical figures. Moving on.)

RICHARD NIXON ''(Here you can see what I was talking about with the problems with the early battles on this channel. The mouths are animated using the “Syncro-Vox” technique of superimposing an actual mouth onto the faces. While this does save on animation, what’s the point of using it? It didn’t look good in the old cartoons which used it, and it doesn’t look good here! The only time it sort of worked is in Annoying Orange, and that’s only because they’re fruit! Also, the use of South Park-style figures for the characters. While I do appreciate using original assets in videos, these just don’t fit most of the time. First off, in South Park this basic body type is only used for kids, yet every single historical figure uses it in HP2875’s videos. Granted, this is a limitation of the online tool HP2875 used to create the characters, but it is really weird to have Richard Nixon in the body of a child. Second, South Park’s character style is so distinctive that it’s very distracting to watch these characters, given that all you can think about is South Park. Third, the limitations of this character creator mean that the face doesn’t really look much like Nixon, as Nixon’s most prominent features (his jowls and nose) are not included on this character.)''

VS ALEXANDER THE GREAT! (The design works a little better on Alexander, but why’d you have to use that mouth expression for this shot? I do kind of like how the announcer says his name though.)

Alexander the Great:
Alright! Here we go! Huh! Let's get it on! (Ugh, this is just filler. If all the interjections in this line had made up a coherent thought, I might’ve been kinder on it, but the first two mean pretty much the same thing as the last two. And the flow on this line isn’t even done well. Especially before he says “get it on.” And Alexander is flashing yellow for no reason.)

This silly president bout to get crushed by the King of Macedon! (At least this is an actual line, but there’s nothing good or bad I can really say about it. Except for the fact that there’s no apostrophe in “‘bout,” and that the audio gets quieter in the middle for no good reason. )

I'm the wisest of the lot, tutored by Aristotle! (Tilting Alexander left and right isn’t too bad limited animation-wise. This line isn’t terrible, though I don’t know which “lot” he is referring to.)

You could learn from me; after all, I'm the perfect role model! (Slaughtering loads of people, drinking a lot, going kind of crazy, Alexander’s a great role model. Maybe you should’ve done some more research, HP2875. Granted, I am cherry picking somewhat, but still. And if Alexander says he’s the perfect role model, wouldn’t that mean that he’s the best role model of all? That’s even worse, though to be fair it might just be Alexander’s ego here. And it’s not bad rapping in this case, but I don’t think that pause on “role model” was really necessary.)

We all know you're a crook. Stop lying and confess! (OK. This is a solid line, if bland.)

And plus, that speech was the worst thing I've heard since your inaugural address! (To rip off a joke from B-Lo and to quote a line from one of HP2875’s later rap battles, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fMMcZYJJqA Yeah, which speech is he referring to? It’s not at all clear from the line. If this line were used after Nixon had rapped, it might work, but it’s not. The speech could be the one in which he said he wasn’t a crook, but you can see why it’s not obvious. And the three Alexanders don’t really work if they’re all the same size.)

You probably feel defeated now, Dicky Boy, but just wait, (This is probably a filler line, as calling Nixon his nickname doesn’t do much unless he makes a really pun off of it, like Joan Rivers did to Richard Pryor.)

I'll ruin your rapping career like a verbal Watergate! (Good finishing line, probably the best line in this verse. But what’s with that rain effect in the end. Did HP2875 think that because Watergate had the word “water” in it he needed to add some rain?)

=== Richard Nixon:===

What do you think you're doing, challenging a man like me? (And Nixon starts his verse off with a filler line too. Splendid. The voice is obviously too young to be Nixon, but it does get a little bit right.) 

Call me whatcha want, but you're the one who's dicky! (Why though? Apart from maybe saying he’s the perfect role model, nothing he’s done really makes him deserving of that title without an explanation. And the way Nixon says “dicky” is weird.)

Trying to beat me is like solving the Gordian Knot; you can't do it, (Umm… the story usually goes that Alexander did solve the Gordian Knot, even if he had to cheat. Nice job bungling your historical references there.) 

You even got on Deadliest Warrior but guess what? You blew it! (Deadliest Warrior should totally be brought up here, it’s not irrelevant at all. Yeah. Guess that just triple confirms that HP2875 didn’t do any real research. And Alexander being on Deadliest Warrior isn’t really surprising considering his achievements. Also, that second Nixon had no reason to show up there.)

The ladies all love 'ya, or so I've been told. (Is this an attempt to diss Alexander for possibly being gay or bisexual? If so, it’d be in character for Nixon to do so, but it doesn’t work, because the “or so I’ve been told” makes it seem more like Alexander doesn’t want Nixon to hear that the ladies love him. )

But so do the mosquitoes and you died when you were 30 years old! (Malaria is a possible cause of Alexander’s death, so this line works, and for such a long line the flow is done well. But what the heck is up with this weird thing in the foreground like a wallpaper of Nixons? Are those supposed to be the mosquitoes?)

I'm not sure who had it worse; you or Mao Zedong! (Nixon never really did anything bad to Mao; both sides gained something from their meeting. So this line doesn’t make sense historically.)

This is a rap battle, not diplomacy, but I'll serve your ass like it's ping pong! (This line actually is way too long. This is a clumsy reference to the “ping-pong diplomacy” which proceeded Nixon’s visit to China. I admittedly can’t find the results to the matches, but I doubt that we really beat China at ping-pong that hard.)

Mouth in the sky (talking):
You think you're so good? (This is just embarrassing. At least do a silhouette or something, not a freaky disembodied mouth.)

Richard Nixon (talking):
Who are you?

Mouth in the sky (talking):
I thought you would've known!

Richard Nixon (talking):
Well, we don't. (You’re speaking for all of us, buddy.)

John F. Kennedy (talking):
I've got three letters for 'ya, J. F. K! (That sliding into frame thing did not work at all. Admittedly, the weird mouth thing made this reveal hard to do, but you could’ve had Kennedy talking off-screen, with the camera only cutting back once he says his name. And is he in the sky supposed to mean he’s in heaven because he’s dead? The other two rappers are also dead, shouldn’t they also be rapping from heaven or hell?) 

John F. Kennedy:
That's right! It's me, John F. Kennedy, back from the dead! (Umm, you already told them who you are. Nice job repeating yourself.)  I could be hanging out in heaven but I'm dealing with you guys instead! (So my reasoning was right, and the background choice is dumb. Why are you dealing with, these guys then anyway? Nobody summoned you here. And the flow broke down on the last part of that line.) Now Alex, I'm a sucker for young guys, I must admit (TMI, JFK! Who wrote this battle, ? I assume JFK just thought he could relate to Alexander because they were both young when they became leaders, but that’s close to the worst possible way to say it! Well, JFK was our only Catholic president after all.) But if you cry because you died in battle, that's just tough s**t! (How could you cry after you died? I assume this must’ve been a reference to something else Alexander did, but it got garbled, especially considering how Alexander didn’t die in battle. The last part of this line should’ve been done differently as well.) And Dicky Boy, as your friends likes to call 'ya, I thought you'd done well (Why’d you have to call back to that? It’s not as bad as when ERBP’s James Bond referenced ERBP’s Skrillex, but it’s not far. And why did JFK think Nixon “would do well?” He beat Nixon in the 1960 presidential election!) But you and all your stupid friends can travel straight to hell! (Ahhh, the ‘“go to hell” line, B-Lo’s “favorite” filler. It makes a little more sense here, considering Nixon might’ve had a reason to go to hell, but it’s still dumb.) Alexander was a fail and Nixon's just bizarre (These are some of the most generic insults ever! I think this was a thing with royales back in the day, to include this succinct insults that didn’t make much sense, such as when Mario was called a furry in ERBOExtreme’s Mario vs. Link. How exactly is Alexander a “fail” and Nixon “just bizarre?”) So from me and all the good rappers, au revoir! (Does this line imply that who gets into heaven or hell is determined by how good at rapping you are? That’s an interesting thought. Maybe Eminem really will become a Rap God. But why does JFK say “Au revoir?” I don’t think he spoke French much.  And JFK didn’t reference anything about himself at all, besides being young and dead.)

Announcer:
Who Won? (Wait? That’s the end of the battle? Only 3 verses? At least that makes this a shorter review.)  You Decide! (So I guess HP2875 didn’t expect any battles to come after this, with the lack of a “who’s next?”)

So that was Alexander the Great vs. Richard Nixon. And this definitely falls into the realm of bad rap battles. The visuals, while probably better than bad green screen or an ERB10 style slideshow, were not interesting and the Synchro-Vox mouths were just bad. And even though this series ostensibly focused on history, this battle only scratched the surface on the figures they used, with loads of filler lines and bungled references. At least the rapping, while not that great, could’ve been a lot worse. In my ranking of reviewed battles, this is above Tolkien vs Martin but below VGRB’s Mario vs Ash. But hopefully they got better later on.

Given that there are 99 battles in this series, I'm going to just hit shuffle on the playlist and go from there. And I got Cortés vs. Montezuma, so let's do that. It is a very sensible matchup- one did conquer the other- but real-life or in-fiction rivalries can be a problem given that it somewhat limits the creativity and surprise of the battle if the rappers can directly refer to real things they did. And given that Montezuma lost, that gives Cortés quite the advantage starting out.

Announcer:
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY

(So you still haven't come up with a better title? The announcer isn't that bad though. The beat is also good and feels OK for the characters.)

HERNAN CORTÉS

(Not a bad depiction, disregarding the use of the South Park kid template, though Cortés's hats were not quite that flamboyant. A map is a good choice for his background, but I can tell that it's of the future USA and not of Mexico.)

VS. MONTEZUMA!

(Not 100% accurate but pretty good considering that it was made in a limited character creator. However, while him sliding down the pyramid is kind of cute, Montezuma was Aztec, and this is a Mayan pyramid! Granted, there aren't many Aztec structures left to photograph, but it would've been nice if his background was more Aztec. Also, what's with this smug look on Montezuma's face, as if he's chewing something?)

BEGIN!

(HP2875 left the tag in.) 

Montezuma II:
Let the mighty Aztec ruler show you the meaning of true pain,

(This voice is pretty good for Montezuma, so that's a plus. However, this line is kind of generic for a first line. Pretty much any rap battler could say a verse like this is what I'm saying.)

After this battle is done, you'll be fleeing back to Spain!

(Nice graphics, and I do like that it's actually a map of Spain Montezuma sends him too.)

Stay away from Mexico, and just let me lead my people,

(Nothing to say about this line.)

You're not a great fighter, Hernando, you're 100% evil!

(First, the flow on the word "Hernando" was a little off. (Cortés did call himself Hernando so it's OK.) Second, while dissing Cortés for being evil is fine, how does that make him any worse of a fighter?)

You're the epitome of immorality from every aspect,

(OK, so the archives of the Fanmade Rap Battle Database had this line as "immortality from aspect," so when I started writing this before looking at the battle I was quite confused. However, the actual line makes sense as Montezuma is saying Cortés is bad no matter how you look at it, but the awkward wording makes it obvious it's just going for a rhyme. Also, Montezuma says "e-pi-toam" instead of "e-pi-to-me." Granted, I'm pretty sure the rapper for Montezuma is Dutch so he probably didn't know the word, but HP2875 should've caught it.)

You held no position of power, but I ruled over the Aztecs!

(Umm… Cortés became governor of New Spain after taking over. So this isn't correct. You should really do your research, Montezuma. Or HP2875. And can someone please tell me why it zooms in on Montezuma's crotch?)

Aw, you ran away from home because you're too poor? How sad!

(This might be sort of true, but Cortés went to the new world with his family's permission so he didn't really run away. And the way this line is delivered is kind of monotone, so it doesn't really work.)

But you won't die peacefully this time, I can guarantee that!

Hernan Cortés:
Fighting technology with spears will never attain you a win,

(I am glad HP2875 attempted an accent, but it doesn't quite sound great. And this line is way too wordy! "When you fight with spears, you don't have a chance against me" or something like that would work a little better.)

I'm just gonna sit back and watch history repeat itself again!

(OK line, and I appreciate how the rappers are actually looking at each other here.)

You think you can harm me? Come at me, ese,

(Seems to be an OK use of Spanish (apparently in Mexico it means "guy"), though it should have an accent on the first e.)

Poor thing, you built your empire then I took it away!

(Nice use of maps to illustrate the point, but I don't think that map shows Montezuma's empire getting taken over.)

You think sacrificial offerings are true displays of force?

How'd you expect to beat us when you'd never seen a horse?

(OK point, and I like the South Park horse for Cortés. But Cortés says "never even seen," yet there's no "even" in the subtitles.)

By the time I arrive to Mexico, you were already doomed,

(This is a good line and it makes sense for Cortés to say given his earlier point about technological superiority.)

Feeling butthurt, Monty? Well, it's just a flesh wound!

(I can tell what this line was going for, but is Cortés implying he violently sodomized Montezuma here? Maybe I shouldn't have watched Guy Fawkes vs. the Joker first.)

Montezuma II:
Treated unjustly by the Spanish Crown? That's bulls**t, man!

(This should be a good line, but I'm not exactly sure what he's actually saying. Who was treated unjustly, you or Cortés? Probably you, but the wording makes this unclear, especially since the Spanish Crown isn't exactly Cortés, and even if it is that means he's referring to his opponent in the third person for no reason.)

I'll sacrifice you to the gods, right in the middle of Tenochtitlan!

(OK thing to say, but the wording's a little bland. "You'll be the next one I'm gonna sacrifice to the gods" would've worked better.)

You died from dysentery? What is this, the Oregon Trail?

(This is a solid and somewhat funny diss, even if the Oregon Trail came after Cortés thus making it not that weird that Cortés also got it. And "dysentery" is mispronounced again, so the same points I made earlier about "epitome" apply here. And what's with Montezuma's lightning powers here? I don't think the Spanish would've stood a chance if he actually had those.)

And congrats on being lucky, your previous voyages were fails!

(I'm not quite sure what this is referring to; there's only one other previous voyage Cortés made and that only sort of failed. And the subtitles are inconsistent; the spoken lines are "getting lucky" and the ungrammatical "were a fail.")

Why can't you leave us alone? We did nothing to you!

Fuck Spain, fuck your army, and oh yeah, fuck you too!

(Montezuma's anger is understandable, but he does sound a little whiny here. Yeah, he got hurt pretty bad by Spain, but what kind of rapper begs his opponent to stop like this? However, I like these visuals, with a rear shot of Cortez, Montezuma's list, and him turning back at the camera in the end.)

I'll make you suffer like the disease you brought to make us die,

''(Good thing to brag about (even though the disease which felled the Aztecs might not've been brought by the Spanish), but this is a missed opportunity for a pun along the lines of "You may have brought disease, but I've got the sicker flow," or something along those lines.) In general, there aren't enough rapping-related boasts or puns in these battles. Sure, it feels more historically accurate that way, but there's plenty of great places for rap-related puns to stick in!)''

You're a worse man than Edison and Hitler combined!

(Ehhh, you sure about that? First off, while Cortés could get pretty bloodthirsty at times, calling him worse than Hitler seems like a stretch. Second, while Edison was a very ruthless businessman, he wasn't anywhere near as evil as Cortés or Hitler. The Tesla fans make Edison look a lot worse than he actually was. Maybe he actually meant the average of Edison and Hitler? That'd be more accurate. I do like that we actually see Edison and Hitler, though.)

Hernan Cortés:
Half a century's passed, and I'm still killing your people in masses,

(Doesn't that fact that there are still people around for Cortés to kill 50 years later show that the Aztecs were putting up a good fight? I think you should've thought that through a little better. Also, Cortés would be dead by then so the line doesn't make much sense.)

I think someone's just mad that I slaughtered his ass!

(Good line, but it doesn't rhyme that well with the previous one. Maybe "in masses" was supposed to be "en masse?" That would've worked better in there original line and as a rhyme.)

A man with nineteen children has got to be insane,

(Why? Cortés had 11 children by many different women, so he shouldn't find it all that weird, much less "insane.")

You got the same amount of children as different spellings of your name!

(There's another subtitle inconsistency here: Cortés says "kids" instead, which I'm fine with as it sounds less redundant. However, the line is fine given that there are indeed multiple ways to spell Montezuma, though I doubt there are as many as 19.)

And Jesus, man! What the fuck are you wearing?

It's like I'm facing a vibrant, homosexual canary!

(This line also works, though I think there should've been a better way to show off Montezuma's clothes than zooming in on his crotch.)

I'll stab you in the face as my crew shouts "ole!"

You're rhymes are far from gold, but I'll rob you anyway!

(Oh, so HP2875 does let his rappers reference the fact that they're rapping. That's nice. And this a good finisher, so points on that front too.)

So that's HP2875's 39th battle, Cortés vs. Montezuma. He's clearly improved since his earlier battles, ditching the lips and in general writing more relevant disses. The visuals and writing could definitely be a lot better, but I feel fine labelling this the best battle I've reviewed on this blog.

Originally, I was going to do 3 battles, but I'm not sure what I should've picked for the 3rd battle given that I chose this one at random. Also, this review is long enough as it is. So that's it. See you next time!