User blog:Awesomesix/Story time

Hi, my name is Richard Bumkiss.

I guess I’ll skip the used introductions and get to the chase: Me and my friends, Hal, Leslie, and Jo Vicious, set off on a journey to find our missing friend, Steve Radio, a soldier who was AWOL nationwide (AWOL means Absent Without Official Leave for those non-military folks). First, we had to walk past the beach. As we head towards the beach boys would throw stuff at us, so we hid for cover. In this cover, there was a bomb, which I had to defuse. So I said, “Any idea where he could be at Leslie?” as I nearly set the off the bomb on Jo Vicious. After this weird case, we approached a monk on an ees (a place liable to flood) for monks achieving nirvana and I asked him if he saw our friend Steve Radio, and for the who, what, where, when, and why. He told us he saw Radio heading off in one direction which if he had a compass, he could tell us. He told us north, and we went there.

In the Arctic, we saw boys in the cold playing soccer with nothing but shorts, which amused us. We decided to ask them if they had seen Radio, they responded by saying they saw a man rushing by in a blurry vision, but weren’t sure if it was real or the strokes they had earlier had messed up their memory. Concerned and confused, we head in our direction towards a graveyard. At first, we were grateful dead people weren’t alive, but they all came back to life in an instance, and now, I’ve met all I can imagine. Now, we looked like a bunch of monkeys due to our fuzzy clothes and red faces, and it’s hard to imagine what in the arctic monkeys fear more than zombies. We saw a cave, which we quickly ran towards, and it was made of… velvet?

I’ve never heard of the velvet underground caves, which I’m certain that school would have taught us about for sure. It was so cold down here, that if we wore the proper amount of clothes to keep us warm, we would fit in at a gorilla zoo exhibit. In the caves were some eagles, the offspring of which were really annoying. We found our friend Radio here, having some rage against the machine of a car he used to drive here. He even brought an iron maiden for some reason, which he opened up and showed our friend Pete Zeppel encased. He must’ve led Zeppel into the Arctic to kill him, we thought! Leslie pulled out some of her pearl jam, which Radio hated, and chucked a glob at him, blinding him. He hit some stones off the cave wall on accident, and the rolling stones almost killed us, but only broke the doors on Steve’s car. Soon, the same guy we met on the monk ees came back with a giant pole, which he used to ram one side of the car into the boulders and stop them. Jo suddenly pulled out some guns he bought back in England and began to fire at Steve.

The Essex pistols didn’t do much at first, but the smiths who made them must have been great, because the bullets cleanly came out and blew off Steve’s head. This quickly made Jo sad, remembering all of the things we did with Steve: The car chases, the burnt cooking, the smashing pumpkins, the pranking Hal… Hal! Where was he? Suddenly, Hal drove in with a weird looking van covered in a giant ice cream scoop. Wait, could the van Hal entered in be the one from his job? The one he said he had last fall out boycotting the union on ice cream salesmen? Hal came out and handed Leslie some roses, and then held out a… ring? This was all too confusing for me, from the guns n’ roses to the monks n’ maidens… the last thing I heard was Leslie saying “We’ll need to work out the kinks, but it’s a yes!” and I passed out.

When I woke up, I saw some math problems, which was good, because my friends new I enjoy division as it helps when I’m tired. I was shocked by the color of my wall when I remembered I painted my walls green days ago, and was relieved to see Jo sitting beside me telling me to wake up. He put on some garden music for me, because the all the sound gardens make is lovely for me. Now, I think I should tell you, my friend Eli Young banded up with Jo and became big & rich, getting themselves some property on the Georgia Florida line before Eli fell asleep at the wheel in Thompson square last year on N. End 12th street, near the same back street boys would gamble on. Jo eventually got the pistol after winning a race against some courtyard hounds in Florida, and along his trip up here, he met Radio, who was in a fight with some beastie boys on the road before being saved. The two became a public enemy then walked up to Canada to a bomb shelter, where we’re residing now.

Jo met a girl named Jesadel, and Jo jokingly said he got Jesadel a soul because she’s a ginger, but he doesn’t know she hates that term, so it’s really awkward. Jesadel called the two some daft punks, but she couldn’t bet a band of cash to get a better lover. It got crazy when someone sent us anthrax in the mail, so we decided to slip knots of rope into our mailbox so no mail could be put in. Now, when he first did, I thought this was one of his jokes, like the slayer about entering the “pant era”, but when I saw his face I was scared. I decided to accept my fate in in their mano e mano war, which was kind of stupid, but I had to.

It felt bad being Jo’s tool in war, but he said his father needed to be avenged seven fold or whatever that means, some card term, he’s a Poker player. At one point, I had to hide, and I had the wiggles at first from being cramped in a small place, but after the help getting some unnecessary items out of the closet, I felt like queen of the place. Soon, I got shot by a flaming bullet, and I thought “As I lay dying in flames, I regret not saving up for my dream theater and hot tub combo in my house”. But Jo saved my life that day from some sick ornate death. He put me in an old cradle of filth before feeding the killers their own venom they got from some ugly scorpions, and in my  midnight wish I wished for Jo to be undisturbed for the rest of his life.

Now, I doubt you can make sense of this story, but I bet you also can’t find all of the band names. (bpf)