User blog:HOW DARE YOU/Atticus Finch vs Phoenix Wright

Ok, so I decided to do a kind of popular suggestion that I see around the wiki that I think is cool and take my own little spin on it: Atticus Finch vs Phoenix Wright! In it we have to ace defense attorneys Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird and Phoenix Wright from the Ace Attorney series. But of course, seeing as how this is called "IMPROBABLE rap battles", I thought I'd up the annie by...well...you'll see. Let's start this!


 * The two lawyers are on different sides of a courtroom, with a judge in the middle. One side is black and white and is your classic looking local courtrom, the other has colors but is the Turnabout courtroom*

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ATTICUS FINCH

VS

PHOENIX WRIGHT

BEGIN!

ATTICUS: To begin with, this battle should have never come to be.

This fool can't produce one iota of proof that he's worthy to battle me.

I'm AFI's #1. When I leave courtrooms, I get a standing ovation.

Even fought against prejudice long before your "trials and tribulations."

Now, I have nothing but pity in my heart for Maya. It's a tragedy.

She's a victim of ignorance brought about by your sad attempts to be her daddy.

But my pity does not extend so far to not bring up what you hope I won't discuss.

Namely that when this CHILD turns into Mia, let's just say, it's not her eyes that are your focus.

Nick, when you yell "Objection", tell me, do you know what it means? Truly?

I'll give you a hint--it doesn't mean to point out contradictions in a manner that is completely unruly!

You're not a detective, you're a lawyer! In the name of God, just DO YOUR DUTY!

Provide some reasonable doubt. That's it! You don't need to spin tales that are so damned looney.

Though the courts are our great levelers, you can't top the best lawyer in Lincoln County.

I can run circles around your Turnabouts without a single bullet of sweat on me.

I'm confident that if you review what I've presented, you'll see who's the best emcee DA is.

And if you have the false assumption that you still stand a chance,  boy you need to come to your senses!

PHOENIX: HOLD IT! Your Honor, this man's testimony is completely contradictory!

How can he claim to be the best when the only case he's known for wasn't even a victory?!

I'm an Ace Attorney, a predator to Finches,

And from actors to witches, I bring All my clients Justice!

Which I can say, unlike you. So stop acting so darn high and mighty.

I demand you provide evidence to your 'greatness', though I'd bet your only proof is tiny.

You've turned into a rerun. And your glory is gettin' outdone!

While you're sweatin' in the backwood's sun, I'm chillin' in it with my pal, Professor Layton!

Atticus, you're a mess. Your whole closing statement you needed to compress.

Who knows, maybe if you just stepped off of your soapbox you may have gotten a success!

But I will be the first to admit that I admire how you fought that corrupt system.

But I must object to covering up the murder of the man who was Boo Radley's victim!

I go against insurmountable odds, and still get my clients acquitted!

So I suggest you run back home to Scout and Gem, 'cause I defend just like I spit it.

In the court, I take no prisoners and I'm always the winner!

Yo Gumshoe, I hope you brought the confetti, because once again, I'm comin' out the victor!


 * The side doors burst open and a large black man (who I will be calling Huell) wheels in one of those old blocky early 2000's TVs that's been strapped to a cart. Huell stops it when it's in the middle of the room.*

JUDGE:Uh, what's that?

HUELL: Defense exhibit A.


 * Huell turns on the TV and we see Saul Goodman (the defense lawyer from Breaking Bad and the upcoming Better Call Saul) sitting in his office talking in one of his commercials.*

SAUL: Have you been damaged by two lawyers who have claimed to be the best?

When they ruined your case and made the state prison your new home address?

If you'd like to get some collateral, please phone the number on the screen.

And hear me shoot down these little birdies out of the sky when I intervene!

I'm a Goodman. *ding!* And it best be understood, man

That when I grip the Mike, there's not a soul at rappin' who's greater than.

While you two make chump change, I'll be cruisin' in my Lincoln.

Got stacks that lining my walls, while your income's just shrinkin'!

I don't even need to walk into the courtroom, because when it comes to law, I'm that terrific.

You two can feel free to take a seat as I bust into specifics.

Nick, I don't get it. You entered law because of a school grade incident?

You're so stuck in the past you won't even let Mia have peace in the great infinite!

As for you, Mr. Finch--YOU WILL ATONE!

For making a two hour long snore-fest with your dull monotone.

You want some tough love? You two suck at defending them all!

So if you want the best, with the right amount of dirty, then the answer's quite obvious: BETTER CALL SAUL!


 * Pan quickly over to the witness stand where we see Alan Shore (the famous defense lawyer from Boston Legal) leaning back in the chair with his feet propped up on the stand.*

ALAN: Sorry but I'm gonna have to cut you off Saul, run back to your strip mall.

And let me show you twerps how a law flamingo verbally brawls!

When it comes to defendin' bitches, I'm the best--there's no two ways about it.

'Cause I can make dirty look squeaky clean, while me and the judge go make like rabbits.

I've got the voice of Ultron, and I preach like Martin Luther.

'Make juries weepy-eyed after I put their conscience through a moral bruiser!

You'd best ask for a recess, while I got the flow of a Shore-line!

By the time I'm through, all of you will look worse than Nick's stupid looking hairline.

I'm so influencial, I stood before the Supreme Fucking Court!

You kids are in the minor leagues! You just fall short.

Hell, you fellas even look up to me when I'm smokin' my cigars!

In the balcony with Shatner, while we're baskin' in out glory and the stars.

I break unbreakable cases, I throw corporates down the shredder,

And you still want to ask the question of which lawyer is better?

If you need the best Legal defender, and you can make a drive to Boston,

Alan Shore's the man. Because after hearing these clowns, I'm your ONLY option.


 * Just then a loud bang of doors slamming open is heard in the back of the courtroom. Everyone whips around to see Jack McCoy (prosecution attorney from Law and Order) walk through the doors and to the center of the courtroom*

JACK: Sorry about being late your honor! I'm here to be your saving grace.

And to show everyone who these men really are when the prosecution makes its case!

On my suit against Mr. Shore, there's something that we all just need to see.

With his constant intercourse, one's got to wonder, the exact number of his STD's.

For Mr. Goodman or McGill, well that's an easy answer.

He sponsored meth producers whose kingpin had lung cancer!

Now with Mr. Phoenix Wrong, there's a long list I can go after.

Like how he has no true custody for those two children who almost died to the hands of bad actor.

And finally there's Mr. Finch--who was a hard one to crack to say the least.

But I think I'm gonna say his failure was that easy case he lost because he was in the deep Southeast.

When it comes to Law and Order, I'm the REAL McCoy. Ok?

I put criminals behind bars, while you just stand in the way.

You wouldn't understand real justice if it bit you in the ass!

In this battle, like if you would in court, you're all about to come in last.

The jury is excused--because everyone here knows who just won.

Serena, I'll be returning to the office shortly because the prosecution rests!


 * Cut to black and we hear the loud "DUN DUN!"*

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

I DON'T KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!

VOTE HERE Atticus Finch Phoenix Wright Saul Goodman Alan Shore Jack McCoy