User blog:TKandMit/Captain Kirk vs Han Solo. Epic Rap Battles of Heroes and Villains Season 3

Yet another trend in this series, as of late, seems to be a couple Captains. welp.

Hello, and welcome to Epic Rap Battles of Heroes and Villains Season 3, this battle marking the penultimate of Act 2. Today, it's a duel between two dudes from space on the opposite sides of the law: Jabba the Hutt's smuggler, Han Solo, and the Starship Enterprise's leading captain, James Tiberius Kirk.

Using such a popular character from the Star Trek series means one thing for sure; the biggest Trekkie I know had to be in it. JPhil2.0 has been on the wiki three years today, as he mentioned earlier in this blog. I asked him a few months ago if he could write for the Captain, and he did an excellent job. Thanks for the help man!

As I said before, this is the penultimate of Act 2 in this season, but it will also be the last one for a little chunk of time. The next battle I have planned is going to be a pretty long one between two teams, and trying to write for it is difficult for me so far. However, something big that I've been working on is going to start soon, so keep your eyes out for that.

Since that's all said and done, enjoy the battle.

Cast
EpicLLOYD as Captain Kirk

Jacksfilms as Han Solo

Introduction
Epic Rap Battles of Heroes and Villains!



Versus!



Begin!

Captain Kirk:
I assure you won't be... waiting into the Next Generation,

For your smugglin' ass to be beaten, when this lyrical Force Awakens.

Kirk to Enterprise: I found no, intelligent life, to report

Only a scruffy-looking... nerf herder, father of a future Sith Lord.

I'm the savior of all Four Quadrants, you helped the Rebellion, somehow?

I've taken command of this battle, I am the Captain now!

I don't believe in 'no-win,' so I invite you... to do your worst.

I'd be afraid of being put on blast-er, but Greedo… shot first!

Han Solo:
I don’t need the Force nor a saber or lasers to clean out the Enterprise’s sergeant

A yellow Commander Shepard with a speech impediment? Who put you in charge?

I’m the right kind of mean: cold as I be, I became a trope for Sci-Fi themes

I mean, come on, your rhyme schemes are as lame as your fight scenes!

Me, Leia and Luke: taking down troops like you take out alien cutes

And I’m still making loot! So Captain, is there anything I can say to you?

And your tech is so outdated, what’re you gonna do with your flip phone?

I fought in wars, you left your whole crew as you boldly went on home.

Captain Kirk:
I conquered Khan, I can easily… overcome this cunning con, and his Bigfoot too,

I’m not doing this, by the book. Because the truth is, Solo… I loathe you!

Han Solo:
I know. Being the biggest badass bounty across the galaxies does that.

But ask Jabba the Hutt - it’s not hard beating a chunky, stuttering dumbass.

Captain Kirk:
With an angst-y teenage brat, leading to your demise, you must wanna cry,

Ask Mr. Spock, it doesn't take much... to be emotionally compromised.

Your tradition of ad-libbed lines, won't save you this time,

With those rhymes, it's almost a crime against a man... this sublime!

J.J. may have blown the minds of some fanboys, but he rebooted me first.

Property of the same... company who owns the Mouse, it's a franchise curse.

Then they saw you weren't relevant, so you were killed off... in the sequel.

I had to face The Wrath of Khan, you had to follow those prequels!

Han Solo:
It seems your phaser’s been set to stun, ‘cause I’m making moves still

Wanna talk Abrams? Made 2.1 billion, something your films never will.

Tell Scotty to beam you away, go to Spock to save the day,

You’re just one shot away from getting launched in outer space

I could disarm you in twelve parsecs, leave you in the compactor to discard

And with that in regard, you’re more trash than Captain Picard

Hell, I was blind and I still finished the second Fett in the pit!

So I’ll leave you like your chances of winning: It’s dead, Jim.

.

.

.

“Ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga

Ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga…”

Captain Kirk:
Wait, one minute, Han. Do you hear this, “Ooga-chaka” business?

Han Solo:
Yeah, Jimmy. I have a very bad feeling about this...

“I can’t stop this feeling…

Deep inside of me…”



Star-Lord:
The hardest guardian: Star-Lord, boarding this “Star” War

Against the Rocket Man and hostage far more annoying than Jar Jar

Pounding these space clowns, don’t shine a blacklight around

My ship may be filthy, but hey, we all know you’re going down.

Beam up your team, there’s nothing beating Peter Quill

Because Peter will defeat them all while singing ill

Bringing Criminal Minds to Galactica, you grandpas can’t tag along

Han couldn’t handle his son, I’d rather battle the padawan.

When it comes to solving problems, I’m the one who found the root

It’s the two of you, excluded when my dude goes “We are Groot”.

And the same goes to your crew, Spock and Chewbacca (Rrrrrrrr!)

There’s no beating me when my tape plays Blue Swede mantras

So side with me, there’s no fear in family-caused casualties

Both a thief and a chief, hell, I’m the best in the Galaxy!

While both of you are hasbeens: frozen in time.

Only difference is that I’m a man who’s still in his prime.

Who won?!

Who's next?!



Epic Rap Battles of (Rrrrrrrr!) Heroes and Villains!

Who won? Captain Kirk Han Solo Star-Lord

Hints: Decoded
Big Dipper: The Big Dipper is a constellation made up of multiple stars. This battle is a metaphorical bringing together of people known for being from stars or being named after stars - both Kirk and Solo are from series with "Star" in the name, and Star-Lord has "Star" in his name.

Star Butterfly: Another "star" hint.

Fish hook and emoji: The fish hook appears above the emoji. Emojis are often used to express emotions or feelings online. "Hooked on a Feeling" is the song that plays halfway through the battle, a piece on Star-Lord's mixtape that is focused on in Guardians of the Galaxy.

R.I.P. Chat: Whenever activity in chat is low, the emoticon "chat kill" is used to express that it is "dead". The emote itself features Captain Kirk.

Starfire: You guessed it. Another "star" hint.

Juliet Starling: Yet another fucking star hint okay I ran out of ideas