User blog:TP87/TP Reviews ERB: Ivan the Terrible vs Alexander the Great

Yaay, I finally decided to make a review :D

Rappers and Cameos
On one side, we have the 1st tsar of Russia, Ivan the Terrible (NicePeter) fighting Macedonian emperor Alexander The Great (Zach Sherwin). After him, Prussian emperor Frederick the Great (EpicLloyd), Roman general Pompey The Great (Mike Betette) and Russian Empress Catherine the Great (Meghan Tonjes) join in to battle Ivan. The characters are portrayed very well, especially Ivan (I think NP has a knack for playing Russian characters, it must be his Russian lineage or something). We also have a couple nice dancers portrayed by the Jay Brothers. I also liked the fact that Frederick, Pompey and Catherine got their own intros. I wish it was done for previous royales as well

Graphics
Just when I thought ERB couldn't get any better with graphics, here they come to prove me wrong. Aside from the costumes (especially Ivan's and Catherine's) the backgrounds are a pleasure for eyes (Ivan's, Frederick's and Catherine's in particular), not to mention the one with Alexander's involving all his conquers. Felt like some sort of TV program

Length
The battle lasts 3:55, which is quite good for a royale and is long enough to give equal screentime to all rappers

Beat(s)
Ivan gets a slow and dark beat (which fits his rapping style), which becomes less darker in Alexander's verse. Fredrick's one is the best, it makes me pumped and excited (and also fits his style). with Catherine's one reminding me of trap beats

Ivan the Terrible:
Look alive, crème de la Kremlin's arriving!

Try to serve Ivan: no surviving!

Ivan starts with a good pun and says you won't survive if you try to serve him (which is some sort of foreshadowing)

You're a land rover; I'm a land expander

Here to hand you your first loss, Alexander!

Now he compares himself as a leader, saying he managed not only to conquer but also to manage all his territories and wants to give Alex his 1st loss

I'll school you like Aristotle!

Smack you harder than you hit that bottle!

Then he connects to his previous line saying he wants to school him like Aristotle did (niiiice reference) and hit him harder than he hits his bottles to get drunk

You're nothing but an overrated lush; I'll crush ya!

I'm the first Tsar of all of Russia!

He keeps insisting on his drunkenness then brags he's the 1st tsar of Russia

You're an asshole with an anastole!

I'm heaven-sent, divine and holy!

Now he goes for a more generic jab and disses his...haircut then mentions that tsars of Russia were considered "sent by God"

So don't even try to approach the God,

Or you'll get a huge sack like Novgorod!

He concludes by suggesting to Alex to not approach him or he'll sack him like Novgorod (which is a disgusting pun but a cool historical reference)

Overall, Ivan's verse was good, he had a good flow but not much rap time, even though he'll make up for that later

Alexander the Great:
Hey, fella! Swell diss,

But now you got the Panhellenist from Pella hella pissed!

'''Alexander "compliments" Ivan's sack diss (eww) but says that he's kinda pissed off for that (which is ok). Also doesn't waste time in showing off his lyrical skill'''

Stepping up's foolish as well as useless,

Little Vasilyevich! Let me spell out the list:

Then he brags that stomping Ivan's not necessary because he's superior (roll to Ivan's next verse then lol) and starts listing all the countries he conquered

I brought foes to their knees in Phoenicia!

Breezed through Gaza to Giza!

Had the Balkans, Persia, Syria, Iraq,

And Pakistan in my expansion pack,

He mentions all the territories he conquered which are quite a lot...

While you died in the middle of a game of chess!

You got vodka bars: flavorless!

...while the little Vasilyevich died during a game of chess and makes a good jab to Ivan's disses, saying they're as flavorless as Vodka

And what I'm 'bout to spit will be the craziest,

So go fix me a drink so I can stay refreshed!

'''Says he's gonna spit lines so crazy he'll gonna need a drink for them. Be careful what you ask for...'''

Kudos! Greek for the glory I got

From winning every single war that I fought!

'''He keeps bragging about his conquers and victories. Nothing more'''

So this will be straightforward: I'll take up this sword that I brought

And slice you in half like the Gordian knot!

But now he says he's gonna slash him like "the gordian knot" (yeah he's that straightforward)

And I'll soar to the top

Like the eagle whose feather I would sport

He says he's gonna win so fast he's like an eagle whose feather he would have in...

In the helmet that I wore

As I swatted my many enemies; shattered 'em like a porcelain pot,

...his helmet that he wore while he defeated his enemies so that they'll...

And they'd be praying for the torture to stop,

But I would leave 'em contorted and they'd be screaming and roaring

'''...beg him to stop but he'll refuse anyway. I really liked how Zach connected all the lines in a single sentence. By the way he's about to fast-rap'''

Until their vocals cords were torn up and shot!

And I would holler "Bucephalus!", hop on my horsey, and trot!

I win, Ivan; I vanquish! I'm an immortal; you're not!

He concludes by saying he'd hop on his horse and trot and saying that he's immortal

'''Overall, Alex's verse was good. Good flow, nice puns, disses and lyrical skills. It was a bit too long imo'''

Ivan the Terrible:
Enough! (Ugh.) I don't stand a chance against your skills!

на здоровье! A drink to your victory! Yes, I will.

Ivan surrenders and offers Alex a drink to celebrate, which he accepts (he asked for it...)

It seems no one can defeat me. I weep; it's all so easy!

(Hoo!) What's wrong? I feel a bit…queasy.

Alex's kinda weak tho, he barely sips the drink and he suddenly feels queasy lol

Ha! You've been poisoned! Oh, the pain is unbearable!

My stomach's riddled with holes! (Ugh.) I'm terrible.

There's no great who could defeat this Russian!

'''Ivan, in an evilish tone, says Alex's just been poisoned, who he's contorting and dying from pain. Ivan brags that no other great can defeat him. Someone else, however, does not agree...'''

Frederick the Great:
(Psst!) What about a flute-busting Prussian?

''Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz!''

''Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz!''

I gotta say, this was the best intro for a 3rd party EVAH!

I'm Frederick the Great! Out the gate, first servant of state!

Oblique attack tactics ain't exactly straight !

Frederick introduces himself and quickly makes a reference to his background (he's outside the Brandenburg gate) and his attack tactics

I've got creative talents and battle malice!

Hard as steel on the field, genteel in the palace!

'''He then brags how he's...versatile? He's: skilled with the flute, a skllied commander, tough on the battlefield and gentle in the palace. He's like the perfect leader'''

Russia's fucked up, but no wonder why!

With your tundras and taigas and bears! Oh my!

'''Now he disses Russia as a whole by listing his harsh environment. Can't disagree with him'''

I would pay a guy to tear out my eyes

If I had to look at your troll face every night!

Now he says he's willing to get his eyes torn out if he had to look at Ivan every night (another disgusting but neat historical reference)

Now, bring me my chair!

I'm weary from tearing you a new derrière from here to Red Square!

He's kinda tired from tearing Ivan a new one (he didn't rap as much as Alexander tho) and asks for his chair (again, be careful what you ask for...)

Fought a Seven Years' War; I ain't scared of a Tsar

'Cause beating you only took me twelve bars!

He states he's not afraid of Ivan (I'd be tho :P) cause he fought in the 7 years war (good point tho)

'''Frederick's verse was awesome. Cool beat and flow. Short verse tho compared to Alexander'''

Ivan the Terrible:
Oh, what a humiliating defeat!

I know when I am beat, so of course, take a seat!

Again, Ivan fakes defeat and offers Fred his seat

I'd keep ripping you to shreds, but I'll take a break instead

And just rest my little head. Why don't you drop dead, Fred?!

Fred says he's willing to rap some more but he's tired so he sits down while Ivan attempts to strangle him with a garrote wire (while making a movie reference)

(Hmm.) My expectations were a lot higher,

But at least I saved the rubles on the garrote wire.

'''Fred actually died when he sat so the garrote wire was not needed. But Ivan looks at the bright side: he saved the money!'''

It's another great day and another great victory

'Cause no great can beat me! What about me, Pompey? Yeah !

'''To be honest, these lines made Ivan sound like some generic Disney villain who sings about how it's "a good evil day". Pompey joins to stop him. His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, he looks ready to drop bombs, but he's decapitated. '''

[Pompey the Great is decapitated by Catherine the Great.]

Catherine the Great:
Macedonians, Prussians, and Romans; those aren't worthy opponents.

It takes a Russian to take down a Russian. I'm Cat; I'm a cat; you're a rodent!

Catherine coldly introduces herself that the previous opponents were unworthy due to their nationalities (don't you dare insult my pal Fred tho) and saying it takes another Russian to take down another Russian as Ivan (she's right tho)

How are you the head of our state when the state of your head was such a crazy one?

Such sick shit going through your brain that you stuck a spike through your own son!

She wonders how Ivan can be the leader of Russia while he's so crazy he impaled his own son (ewww)

(Oooh!) You're unbalanced like I unbalanced the European powers with the wars I waged!

I brought the Russian empire straight out the olden days and right into the golden age!

She brags how he unbalanced the Europe with her wars (the background kinda unbalances during these lines) and brought the Russian empire in his golden age 

I'm the boss bitch that you just can't meddle with!

This whole battle's like Alaska 'cause I settled it!

'''More like "I'm the boss biiiiiitch" tho. She says that she settled the battle like she's settled Alaska (another cool reference)'''

Oh yeah, the cold-blooded, Pompey-slayer Catherine had some nice disses and good flow (Meghan's a pretty talented singer)

Ivan the Terrible:

(Mmm.) What a beautiful Queen to beat me in a battle.

Accept this gift, Your Highness. I hear you enjoy the saddle!

'''Ivan fakes another defeat and offers her a horse (reference to the legend surrounding Cath's death). His real plan is to dispatch her '''

Catherine the Great:
That horse story is a pile of shit,

Though I do keep 'em chomping at the bit,

But Catherine is a russian smartass so she sees through Ivan's plan and refuses the gift.

But you're never gonna get it, nyet!

Couldn't spin in my chamber if this were Russian roulette!

Now she says Ivan'll never have sex with here while making a pun with the Russian Roulette

I'm picking up where Peter the Great left off!

Bringing sexy back to House Romanov!

Now she says that she continued Peter the Great left off while also bringing the "sexy" factor to the Romanovs

So don't call me Queen, I'm far more great!

Empress to Tsar 8, bitch! Checkmate!

'''She doesn't want to be called Queen because she's greater; she's an empress. Then she makes a chess reference which symbolizes Ivan's death. Smart moves Cath, smart moves'''

'''And this is a cool conclusion to the battle. Cath's so smart she doesn't only fall for Ivan's tricks, but she even get a cool second verse which while didn't flow as well as in the 1st verse, it was ok'''

Winners and Best lines
Since this was a royal, I'll list the rappers from best to "worst" (even tho there was no worst)


 * 1) Frederick
 * 2) Catherine
 * 3) Alexander/Ivan

Ivan's best lines:

Look alive, crème de la Kremlin's arriving!

Try to serve Ivan: no surviving!

You're a land rover; I'm a land expander

Smack you harder than you hit that bottle!

You're nothing but an overrated lush; I'll crush ya!

I'm the first Tsar of all of Russia!

You're an asshole with an anastole!

на здоровье! A drink to your victory!

Ha! You've been poisoned!

(Hmm.) My expectations were a lot higher,

But at least I saved the rubles on the garrote wire.

Alexander's best lines:

Hey, fella! Swell diss,

But now you got the Panhellenist from Pella hella pissed!

Stepping up's foolish as well as useless,

Little Vasilyevich! Let me spell out the list:

I brought foes to their knees in Phoenicia!

Breezed through Gaza to Giza!

Had the Balkans, Persia, Syria, Iraq,

And Pakistan in my expansion pack,

So this will be straightforward: I'll take up this sword that I brought

And slice you in half like the Gordian knot!

All of Frederick and Catherine's lines

What I liked:

 * The Graphics
 * The sick beats
 * Awesome flows
 * Full of historical references
 * The characters' portrayals
 * 3rd parties getting intros

What I didn't like

 * Catherine and Alexander's verses were too long than the others

Score
9.5/10. A great mid-season finale. Nothing else to say

Da End
Yup, it's over. Took me a while to write it but I hope you'll enjoy it :D