User blog:Dark Cyan/CyGIR Rap Battles 3: John Oliver vs Stephen Colbert

Hello, everyone. And welcome to CyGIR Rap Battles!

Battle three! The fanmade rap equivalent of that difficult third album. No, no I hope not.

This battle pits the American topical discussion show hosts (The shows, that is, not the hosts. I know Oliver's British. Get off my case, mum) John Oliver of "Last Week Tonight with John Oliver" against Stephen Colbert of "The Colbert Report" against each other to see who reigns supreme.

This is pretty much 90% GIR's battle. He came up with the suggestion alone, wrote the entirety of John Oliver with very little input from me and is responsible for well over half of Colbert's material here too. Hey, he had to keep busy while I was away working somehow.

No links this time because ain't nobody got time for that (except possibly me later when people can't understand this without them. I'm sure you'll be fine, though.)

Enjoy!

(Last week's hints explained: "I must report that I used the wrong hints last week. Tonight, however, things have been corrected." Read it again carefully. "I must REPORT that I used the wrong hints LAST WEEK TONIGHT however, things have been corrected.")

Beat: Fight For Our Lives

John Oliver
(starts at 0:39)

Welcome to Last Week Tonight, Stephen! I want you to listen

To the disses I’m giving this man of religion! He’s #Notmychristian

Tonight’s topic’s YOU, Colbert. A man they think about so little;

That no one realized *points to screen* that’s not him! That’s fucking Kimmel!

This Bugle gives a rude awakening! Now Mock the Weak is back on air!

Just so this Political Animal can lyrically TEAR apart Stephen Colbert!

It’s evident and prevalent: I know U.S politics better than a fucking resident

And it’s depressing that Monsters vs Aliens was your closest shot at President

I’m excellent! Evidence states you replaced a better man. *coughLettermancough*

And this excrements so foul, I’ve seen better sent to Our Lady of Perpetual Excellence

Now I respect your father, to diss his death would be crass

But your television ratings? Now THAT was a tragic crash

Stephen Colbert
(starts at 1:09)

Hello Nation! It’s the Late Night sensation, here with a Report:

British twat John Oliver replaced my good Friend Stewart

My take? Me not Likey. Just a correspondent; A side kick!

So your Fighting Talks null! While I’m the Viewers Hot Pick!

Time for Just the Tip: In the Late Show Game, You’re Hungry for Power,

But it ain’t Good News you're less known in Britain than Russell Howard!

I’m off the Road to the White House? You’re even farther from it, limey!

Newsflash: You aren’t even eligible! Man, I sting like the wasp named after me!

*Colbert high fives guy under the desk*

I’m squeaky clean! Pristine! While….let’s face it, you're neither

More dirty then a sweep! And weren’t you the nerd in ’Betweeners?

Oh wait….apparently not. Well my bad, I apologize

Maybe you should say sorry too, for being in The Smurfs three times!

John Oliver
(starts at 1:38)

Holy Shit! Somehow, not even Jeff could spit such cancerous raps!

It’s truly the John Oliver effect! I’m giving attention to this no-name brat!

These are Terrifying Times! You’re Americone Dream is going to shit!

Cause spit mad wits with a Brit and get Duncan’d! And Now: Diss

Stephen Colbert
(starts at 1:48)

C’mon John, Stay Human! Anymore nonsense and I’ll have to get Drumpf,

To build a wall round this Grump. It goes Viral! That’s the Colbert Bump!

No Steve Carell shenanigans, I’m Acing this! Rap duel’s I’m ruling!

I’m used to lecturing brats, actually, so call this your Sunday Schooling!

John Oliver
(starts at 1:58)

Those raps, Much like your Hot Picks, were shitty and uneducated.

You had to have me on twice! That's how low you're fucking rated!

And I give so little fucks, Janice from accounting's blown out the water!

Your may be Mr. USA but guess what Stephen? I am your Father!

Hungry For Power Games Stephen Colbert
(starts at 2:08)

Haha, yes! Welcome to the Hungry For Power Games!

This poor, poor man tried to compete with mine and Conan's fame

Alas! Yet another tribute has fallen in this dog-eat-dog race!

Though not unexpected, given he owes ALL of his fame here to Ricky Gervais!

WHO WON? John Oliver Stephen Colbert

Hints For The Next CRB:
Why, I oughtta go get a coke and some bacon!