User blog:CamTheWoot/Team CKC's Rap Battles 01: J R.R Tolkien vs George R.R Martin Rewrite

Yo, this is the first rap battle done by Team CKC (YEAAAH BOOOIII). The team is comprised of Myself, KatieTheAndreaFan, and Caulk. After the new battle came out, we three heroes decided to try our hands at re-writing it. We decided to use as little of the original comment as we could.

Not to say the original is bad, but with the three of us being fans of both Tolkien and Martin, we thought it would be a laugh. Anyway; on with the battle and that jazz. Also, this may become a regular thing, idk. Hope you lot enjoy.

(Note: We wrote this in a couple of hours)

Beat: the original

J. R. R. Tolkien:
I lived eighty one years, but through all of that

I never thought I’d be ripped off by Forlong the Fat.

You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired twit!

You dumped professional prose to fit in a skit of tits.

Just like your wolves, your chances here are gettin' dire,

'Cause I'm the lord of this ring, while you write like a whackfyre.

You’re a liar, you know not when your next book will be.

Now your fans’ve GOTta settle for bored games with D & D

George R. R. Martin:
Bitch, you’ve unleashed the beast like Khaleesi with the dragons

Setting Martin free, man, so I’ve got this win in the Baggins

You think you’re a threat, but you Ent, John, your talent’s spent,

I’m the king of high fantasy, you front the cunt in country gent.

You mock tits and cocks and knock nudity as filler,

Hypocrisy en bloc! Note the fiery vagina on a pillar.

My story holds weight, mains dying in every scene,

But you can’t kill off your heroes; well, except for Sean Bean.

J. R. R. Tolkien:
When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die,

But when your watch is ended, it’ll be from too much pie.

If this battle’s a test then YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Because my pen is my sword! And my bow! And my axe!

George R. R. Martin:
Then let me axe you a question, for all the flack you’ve been sending:

The hell was the point of all those never-ending endings?

You lost your Steph in your Twilight years, like a shank Meyer.

Call me Jaime Lannister, cos I’m the Tol-kein slayer.

J. R. R. Tolkien:
I’m just a-Frey’d you’ll be slayed yourself, before we finish this tourney.

Moving across to your DOS would be an Unexpected Journey.

Everything you write about has always been a farce,

So I know you’ll get it when I say you’re Tolkien’ from your Rs (arse).

You wish you were master of wood, water, and hill,

But you’ll bomb and fit the bill of Tom Bombadil.

My quill commands Middle Earth while you’re still slavin’,

So, time to surrender, Maester up the courage to send a raven.

George R. R. Martin:
All this macho behaviour is giving me an Inkling

That you long to feel the healing handy of the king

For Gandalf’s palms to caress your Glamdring.

That’s why you wrote three books about destroying a ring.

You’ve got Somme good ideas, but your style’s weaker than the Shire

Writin’, nails a biting’ in the trenches, singing Songs of Lice and Fire

The war’s over now, bend the knee before my powers,

Or you’ll see a bloodbath when I destroy your two towers.

WHO WON AND ALL THAT George R. R. Martin J. R. R. Martin

Yeah man.