User blog:Hippie Rat/Silicon Valley vs The Last Man on Earth

Hey yo hi hello, Hippie Rat back again.

I'm making a mistake I don't think I'm going to regret. I'm starting writing for my season 4 finale. As in the finale to the next season. Oh boy this one will be long. Possibly longer than Mario vs Link... It's hard to say for certain yet but right now I have 70 rappers in consideration to be in the battle and will likely gain even more considerations as time goes until it's finally done. Let's just say I have a few lines in mind including "....I hit hard like rugby, Invictus/See if Polynesia can hack up better team chants with a haka/I ended segregation, this time for Africa!" and "Like Rosa Parks, I can't stand these white-ass raps!" and "Who was the first around the globe? Not you/You died halfway through and ripped the fame from your crew!"

Let's just say I really want to have more historical-themed rap battles.

Anyway, on to this battle. Today we have my current two favorite shows, Fox's The Last Man on Earth against HBO's Silicon Valley. Representing The Last Man on Earth we have the naïve "always-makes-matters-worse" Will Forte character Phillip Tandy Miller, and representing Silicon Valley we have CEO and creator of Pied Piper, Richard Hendricks, with some chime-ins from business advisor Donald "Jared" Dunn and roommate Jian-Yang.

Here's to the continuation of The Last Man on Earth next week and the third season of Silicon Valley in April! I'm very excited!

Enjoy :)

(Oh and spoiler alert for both shows! You have been warned!)



Key
The Last Man on Earth:

Phillip Tandy Miller

Silicon Valley:

Richard Hendricks

Jared

Jian-Yang

Lyrics
Announcer:

Epic Rap Battles of History! Richard Hendricks vs Phil Miller ! Begin!

Phil Miller:

Hey, my name is Phil Miller, and I'm the last man on earth,

You're a string bean supported by big beard of great girth.

So keep your tight lips smacked shut, I see your tell,

You got slapped by a little kid and had to get momma bird to help.

If your doors open normally, I mow through any old car,

You guys can't get funding? Man, I play Jenga with gold bars!

I'll flatten you with a steamroller, that'll knock the air outta you,

I'm on cloud nine that your nerdy ass can't figure out the code to.

All this crew you got is about as well put together as Nucleus,

Dinesh may be nuts from Pakistan but don't see him getting dates.

See if you can make a lossless file the size of your phallus,

When you compress this dick into your silly database.

Richard Hendricks:

Oh please, this the balling, programming, go-doer,

From the man who made Office Space against the dude who played MacGruber.

Up in the clouds is how it works in the valley, we getting higher,

And now, Tandy, it's time to pay the Piper.

You deserve to be alone, cryin' solo night or day,

I got friends to chill with, guess that's not your Forte!

Good Phil meant good will and good fill in your on-and-off's pussy,

Everyone bursting for him like his appendix while you couldn't get a floozie.

Ask Jared, he's got the organized approach to flow this deceiver through hell:

I made a SWOT chart detailing exactly how pivotal it would be to have you canceled.

Special occasion!

This scraggly caterpillar getting kicked out the space station!

Reverse-engineer your verse and expose all your data flaws,

That got Will Ferrell dropping dead faster than he did as Mustafa.

I got the best compression program in the market, hope you heard,

I wouldn't watch this shit if it was the last show on earth!

Phil Miller:

Ha! You can hear them crickets, ring-a-ding, time for chow,

I'll tear out your intestines, how's that for middle-out?

Now, I know, different opinions, you're not a fan, I get that,

But hey, I mean, you gotta admit, my show's not "New Girl bad". Is it?

Richard Hendricks:

You're a failure of a human, screw natural selection,

You'll be dead like Peter Greg, and fuck Gavin Belson!

You're a Son of a Tucson, what, you didn't know?

You should bask now 'til you're off Sunday line-up like all Fox TV shows.

Announcer:

Who won? Who's next? You Decide! Epic Rap Battles of History!

Trivia

 * Lots of consideration was posthumously put into the idea of scrapping this battle and instead making Silicon Valley vs The Big Bang Theory, but I just decided "nah" because this was already almost done at the time and I don't watch BBT. I would love if someone made Silicon Valley vs The Big Bang Theory though! Please someone make it and link it to me in the comments please please pleaaaase!
 * I've wanted to try my hand at an A-B-A-B rhyme scheme in a battle for a while, and this battle marks my first attempt at it (seen in the last four lines of Phil Miller's first verse). Personally I think it came out with some of the funniest lines in the battle like "nuts from Pakistan but ain't got no dates" and the clever genital size comparison using Hendricks's file compression software.
 * The use of "Special occasion!" in this battle is actually an inside-joke in the family. It comes from a scene in season 2 of Silicon Valley where Jian Yang and Erlich Bachman pitch an app to a strict anti-smoker that tracks the location of any people smoking in the area to avoid them. It goes well but is followed by a scene where Jian Yang is caught smoking in the next room over, explaining that this was a special occasion (as he only smokes on "special occasions"). This scene was a favorite in my family and became a family catchphrase whenever there's a holiday or any other celebration. I wanted to give it due justice by including it in this battle.
 * A reference to Gilfoyle was planned, but after careful consideration I decided I'd stray away from it, as Gilfoyle isn't the type of character to be hurt by an insult in a rap battle. Besides, ERB already did Gilfoyle justice by alluding to his apathetic personality in Terminator vs RoboCop.
 * Gavin Belson was going to have a cameo, but decided he that because he wasn't friends with Hendricks it just wouldn't work. Peter Gregory was also considered for a cameo but thought he would be too awkward of a character.
 * Scrapped lyrics! vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Scrapped Lyrics
Phil Miller:

Your rapping's so bland and boring, Gilfoyle must've wrote your verses for you!

Beat you black and always blue! Always blue! Always blue!

Richard Hendricks:

The one person who gave a fuck to save you was that crusty nasally-voiced bitch.

You had the last handful of attractive girls in the world and went for the female Gilbert Gottfried!

You should bask now till you're canceled like all of Fox's TV shows.

Gavin Belson:

Fuck!

Polls
Who won? Silicon Valley The Last Man on Earth

Who's next? Jesse James vs Billy the Kid Inception vs Assassin's Creed