User blog:Amontgomery1432/Amont's Amateurish Analytics: Episode 2 - Cole Phelps vs Dipper Pines by SuperTingsOnCups Rap Battles

First of all, I wanna give a huge shout out to Mortal for supplying me with the official name of this series. It kicks ass, and so do you! Definitely give him and his antics a watch over on his page. Best of luck in the tourney! Also, special thanks to TrixticalMyster for supplying that absolute masterpiece you see for the Cole Phelps headshot over there. I'm not gonna have pleasent dreams tonight, and you all will share my pain. Anyway, welcome to another rap battle review! This time, under the new name: Amont's Amateurish Analytics. That name is gonna be a little weird when I do a battle that I feel is actually good, but fuck it lol. It's too cool of a name to not use. Besides, the battle for today's review is not good. It's Cole Phelps, the main character of L.A. Noir, going up against Dipper Pines, one of the main characters of Gravity Falls. This battle was made by Matthew Thomas for his SuperThingsOnCups Rap Battles series, which just one of the many rap battle serieses he has done over the years. Seriously, there's been so fuckin many. Too many, if you ask me. But, whatever lol.

Later on, this series would be given a new name: Rap Duel. Still a pretty weak title, but it's better than just slapping his username in front of "Rap Battles" like a lot of people including myself but don't tell anybody  do. Speaking of renaming things, this battle would also be given a name change eventually: Going from "Cole Phelps vs Dipper Pines. SuperThingsOnCups Rap Battles" to "I beat my wife". If you want my opinion, "I beat my wife" is a much better name. It perfectly captures the spirit of this battle in four simple words. It's brilliant, truly. I made a poll in the comments of the previous review asking what episode of Epic Rap Battles of Cartoons you all wanted me to do for the third review, and the most voted went to Bugs Bunny vs Mickey Mouse, so that will be the subject of the next episode of this series. And I have something planned for the fourth one, so there's that, so what should the fifth one be? Leave a comment down below. No royales for a little bit, tho lol. The first one took a lot out of me. I also wanna avoid doing too many battles that both B-Lo and Die-Hearts reviewed so I can avoid being accused of copying. Until then, let's get into this one. Here's STOC's Cole Phelps vs Dipper Pines. Battle text is in bold, and my commentary is in italics.



Announcer:
SuperThingsOnCups Rap Battles!

(What a dumb name, honestly. Like, yeah, "Rap Duel" isn't any better, as I mentioned before, but it's better than this)

Cole Phelps

(Hey, announcer, can you please try to sound interested? Also hi Justin, I didn't expect to be seeing you again so soon. This isn't a bad costume at all, if I'm being completely honest. It resembles the original character quite nicely, the only issue is that Justin's camera and green screen quality is way too poor for us to properly admire it. Also, these poses look awfully familiar. Where have I seen this before?)

vs

(Dat beat doe!!!!1 Also, I like the police tape in the background. It's a nice touch)

Dipperrrr Piiiiiiines!

(Okay, I gotta props here. That's a pretty sweet Dipper costume! Matthew doesn't exactly resemble him facially, but I'm willing to look past that cause that costume is excellent! And his camera/green screen quality are pretty good, too. Not bad, Matthew. Not bad)

Begin!

(This is off to a good start so far)

Cole Phelps:
'''What's up, Dipper Pines? I'm an L.A. Noire'''

''(Okay, and it's fucked. It's fucked almost immediately. A couple things here. 1: "Rap battle starts with one of the characters saying 'hello'" cliche. 2: How tall is Cole Phelps expected to be here? He's a fuckin Kaiju from this angle. Is he gonna rap or fuckin destroy New York? 3: Do you recognize that body acting? That's because it's archive footage from ERBP's Vault Boy vs Cole Phelos 2. Justin couldn't be fucked to put his costume back on for this video, as confirmed in the description, so he sent his green screen cuts and hoped we wouldn't notice. We noticed, Justin. If you can't tell, I'm not a fan of battles that reuse green screen footage from other battles for one of their rapping characters. The only way it works is if the character in the reused footage doesn't show his/her face. That is the only time in which this practice works. Get ready for even more fucked lip-syncing than Tony Montana vs Al Capone, y'all. The "L.A. Noire" line is the only time it looks natural. I should review that battle some time, lemme write that down)''

So that means, in this battle, you'll never make it far

(A filler line, already? Jeez. Alright then. Get ready for some, how you say, "STOC" humor, ladies and gentlemen. Heh heh heh i wanna die)

I'm a damn good detective

(Call you Bruce Poirot?)

You're a wannabe Shaggy!

(Oh. Well, to be fair, he is the most powerful being in the universe. I think we all secretly strive to be more like him)

I could beat you anytime, even when I'm laggy

(I like the lag effects on him, but FUCK can we not use close-up shots for our maskless green screen cut rappers? It's like you're just shoving your incompetence in my face and saying "Hey, look at my dick!")

My chances of winning are pretty (Herschel) Bigg!

(Haha, I see what you did there. Were the brackets really necessary tho? I think not)

I bet you came up with your nickname after your small dick

(Is "Dipper Pines" not his name? I don't watch the show, so I wouldn't know. Also, way to steal a line from ERB, you fucktoaster)

'''The first person you kissed was a merman? Are you gay?'''

(THAT'S VERY GAY! Another battle I really need to review some time lol. Also fuck you, Aquaman is hot)

So prepare to die by this detective in L.A.!

("You're gonna die" cliche)

Dipper Pines:
If I can take on Gideon, then I can take on your dumbass

(Ohhh fuck, that flow is not okay)

Yes, I might listen to BABBA, but at least I'm more manly; You're just trash

(Fuckin hell, Matthew. Don't you think that line may be a bit too long? Also, what is God's name is a "BABBA"? Is one of their songs called "Dancing King", cause I kinda wanna hear that)

I'll slap you with The Hand that Rocks the Mabel to see how you like it

(LMAO WHAT THE FUCK! Matthew, who the hell is that? Cause it's not Mabel, for damn sure)

In the end, I'll Sparta Kick you into the Bottomless Pit

(What is it with fanmades involving Justin and 300 references? It wasn't funny then, and it isn't funny now)

You winning this should be on the "Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained"

("Unexplained" implies it happened and no one can figure out why, so good job admitting defeat already lol. The merman line was just too powerful. Also good job fuckin up your sentence structure and your flow with that unneeded first "the". Very nice)

Compared to you, in this battle, I'm the real man

(That didn't even come close to rhyming. Nice muscles btw)

Seriously, Cole, your ego is bigger than the Gobblewonker

(That fucking editing lmao. I don't think I've ever seen a behind the shoulder edit done in a wide-shot, so you get points for being interesting. Everything else about this shot can gobble on my wonker, though)

So prepare to get your head hunted by this 12-year-old, motherfucker!

(Gravity Falls! Swearing, graphic violence, cross-dressing. Fun for the whole family!)

Cole Phelps:
I'm from the L.A.P.D, you're just from the Mystery Shack!

(Flexing your Wikipedia skills, I see. Very nice, very nice)

So you better Galloway from me, Earley, cause it's a fact

(Excuse me, uh, the fuck did you just say? If I didn't know Gallaway was a character in Cole's game, I would assume Justin tried to say "get away" and failed, so the subtitles decided to toll him. What the fuck is going on lmao)

That you have no brain for you say you won so, before this battle's done,

You better keep your little mouth shut while you're getting arrested by Ralph Dunn!

(Oh ew. That was gross, holy shit. Was that supposed to be a fast rap, cause it wasn't. It felt like he did the first line normally and then remembered "Oh shit this is a fast rap" at the last minute. That was so off-flow, good God. Also nice subtitle error)

I might died at age 27, but what makes you think you can do better?

(Cause he isn't dead, you fool. He's doing better than you by default)

I'm a police officer, you're like Sherlock Holmes' baby brother

(You just complimented him, you kind-hearted asshole. Also, fuck that didn't rhyme)

I was made from Rockstar, which means I'll rock your world

(Made "from" Rockstar? That implies you put a bunch of musicians into a blender and and made Cole into a rock and roll slushie. Axl Rose's hair, Steven Tyler's fingernails, Mick Jagger's saliva, Jack White's dickcheese. That sounds fucking delicious)

'''So go ahead and spit your next verse. I'm out, goodbye Dipper!'''

(I guess we've just given up on trying to rhyme. That's cool. What a weak finishing line, probably the weakest ending line I've heard in years. Fuck, you might as well have said "I don't think you're relevant anymore", that would've been better. Also, he starts the battle by saying hello and he ends the battle by saying goodbye. That's pretty cute, gotta say)

Dipper Pines:
I might sneeze like a cat, but you're the real pussy!

(You fuckin what? How does one sneeze like a cat? I mean, that's probably the most effective line in the whole battle, but it's still absolutely mind-boggling to think about)

It's a mystery on why you think you're better than me

(He has you beat in terms of flow, Jesus Christmas)

Cole Phelps, listen to me

(He is! He's been talking to you for the past fuckin minute and a half!)

You need to get a different hobby

(Well, he's dead, so he kinda can't. Oops)

Because your personality as a mystery solver is worse than Robbie's

(Jeez, that line felt so demo-esque, know what I mean? That's how you pronounce your lines in the flow test)

You better BEWARB my rhymes

(Huehuehue)

Cause I'm gonna bring the heat

(Oh, my God, the filler is about to make me lose my marbles)

And they call me Dipper Pines because I'm tougher than pine trees!

(Oh, is that why? I thought it was cause you get all them bitches)

This battle is over, so I'll see you in Hell

(Well, fuck. That took a turn)

I'll send you three letters back, because you Gravity Fell!

(Decent finisher, but holy fuck the sight of Justin getting yeeted out of this plane of existence by a tiny-ass book is the funniest thing I've ever seen. Whoever edited that deserves a Nobel Peace Prize, holy hell)

Announcer 2: The Desolation of Smaug
Who won?

(Dipper, I guess)

You decide!

(Ah, you're too important for a "who's next", I see)

'''Super. Things. On. Cups. Rap. Battles!'''

(Did I just have a seizure?)

Conclusion:
Okay, that was something. That certainly was a thing. A super thing. On a cup. In a rap battle. I don't know where I'm going with this joke, but this battle was pretty not good all things considered. It isn't the worst thing STOC has ever posted, not by a longshot. That distingtion goes to Bob Army vs Google+. I'll get to that one eventually, trust me. I really don't feel like killing myself just yet. Anyway, this battle had some good parts in it, but it was mostly just plain bad. Let's go over the positives first, though, cause I feel bad for shitting on STOC this hard. Firstly, the beat is pretty catchy. Matthew made it himself, and he did a good job with it. I'll admit, it kinda doesn't fit this matchup, but I do think it's a good beat. And, as I said before, the costumes are quite nice. Cole's is good from what I can see of it, and Dipper's is excellent. No complaints there. The audio quality for both Justin and Matthew are pretty good. Matthew's camera quality is good, as is his green screen quality, the backgrounds are quite nice, and, yeah I'll bite. The name change is pretty funny. It's not half bad. It's competently made in some regards, and then you peel the lid off and see the mushy, goopy interior. The lyrics are absolute trash aside from two lines, the re-usage of ERBP Cole Phelps footage is just fuckin insane, the visual quality of said footage is pretty lackluster, and the vocal performances are just awful. Justin's rapping was tolerable. He had good moments, and he had bad moments. Matthew's, on the other hand, was just bad across the border. I'll give him props for improving over the years and becoming a genuinely good rapper recently, but this was definitely the dark ages for him. So, yeh. Not a very good battle. It had more pros than cons, granted, but the cons hold a lot more weight when you put them on the scale. I give this battle a 4. Why not?

Another review in the books, hell yea! As I said above, the next review is gonna be on Bugs Bunny vs Mickey Mouse by Epic Rap Battles of Cartoons. I haven't seen it in a while, but I remember it being quite good, so we'll see. And I know what I'm gonna do for episode 4 I'm not telling it's a secret you fucks, so I wanna know what you all want for episode 5. Below is a list of four battles, all of which I will get to eventually, with varying degrees of quality. Which one of these do you want to see sooner rather than later? I don't know how many of these "Who's next" polls are gonna be done in the future, to be honest, cause I've got a solid list of ideas in my head. Not sure how many of these I plan on doing at this point in time, so let's just get to 50 and see where it goes from there. So, yee. Vote on the poll pl0x. More rap battles coming soon, I had to push back the release date of the album due to one of the guests not pulling their weight, and fuck Carlos Mencia. See y'all next time!

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