User blog:The Flatwoods Monster/L v A. Epic Rap Battles of Horror Season 5

Hello everyone, and welcome back to Epic Rap Battles of Horror Season 5. This battle took for-fucking-ever to code. It's longer than fucking SHODAN vs ImScared which don't ask me why the sixth battle of a season is longer than the fucking finale of the last one but it is. Anyways, I really don't feel like making this introduction super long considering I've been in this editor for long enough so here's basically everything you need to know; This battle wasn't going to be released yet, I was going to wait until I got BTTF's guest verses for the next battle but decided I had probably put this off too long and really wanted to get it out here since it features a great number of guests. So, special thanks to Iamthelegion, Joeaikman, NightFalcon9004, and TKandMit for their contributions to the battle, which will be listed at the bottom - I only wrote one verse. A special shoutout to both members of MunKitteh, as Munkee gave me slight insight to the Death Note story and Tigger was originally going to write for one of the characters, but scheduling didn't work out in our favor unfortunately. I dedicate this battle to Cave since he wanted the fuck out of it, even if he's a dirty avatar stealer. Anyways, rambling on for hours, todays battle features the "greatest detective to not be Batman, L from Death Note, taking the case of the anonymous criminal A from Pretty Little Liars, in a battle of "faceless" incognito detective vs criminal who use singular letters as their alias. But will L's conversaiton with A turn into a case following another criminal? Probably. Anyways, enjoy the battle, another thanks to my guests.

Story
"I believe I can assist you in catching your Kira killer" A parchment reads, signed in blood red with one single letter;

"- A"

L gripped the letter in his hand, sitting in front of a table. On the table sits a laptop, with a shadowy figure displayed on the screen. The figure turns around, their face covered by a mask, and obscured further by the darkness permeating from their room.

"I imagine you're going to speak exclusively in riddles?" L asked, with a sigh.

"Do you want my help, or not?"

"I don't, but I have to."

"Let us begin, then."

Introduction










L:
May I ask you a question? Do omnipresent stalkers love apples?

I'm more a peach, like strawberries, but enough with the trap-port.

I've seen better put together letters left by Kira defectors

Seek shelter Miss setter, you're a creditor like my successors

A letter without a name and a symbol without a face?

Why, it would seem Gossip Girl came back as this disgrace.

A Wammy House divided didn’t stand, so I’ll solo these burns.

No matter how sick you are, you alone cannot change the world.

A:
This is my dollhouse, where I mould Liars until they Fitz

To extraordinary stories that I could pose to a detective

Who couldn't crack the case of a Dexter Morgan murderer

Despite using the uneven strategies of a first class perjurer

I am justice! My enemies did evil and they will be punished

When I'm done you will be wishing for a place in my dungeon

Open your mouth back at me and it will be you that will pay

But stay on my good side and I'll be lenient. XOXO --A

L:
Firstly, I recommend that you change your sitting posture.

You lose fifty percent of your rap skill, and look like an impostor.

You're not justice. You're a childish killer playing at divine make.

But you do intrigue me, let's see if you really take the cake.

 * L puts down his plate of cake*

A:
I'm back, bitch! Oink Oink, you need to learn to drop sweets

Like Marion dropped from Radley, or Charles drops a beat

I go swiftly from giving burns, to cold flow, getting Icy

So chilled I coulda killed daddy at my own birthday party

Little bro knocked unconscious, mommy turning in a grave

Good job you're not family, they all end the same way --A

L:
I burn calories from intelligence, clear that's not your specialty.

But I suppose I'll take the Bate, man, even if it's from Mr T.

Elsewhere...










Light Yagami:
Well, isn't this exciting? A top detective is fighting

A killer who kidnaps then goes hiding while I can kill you from my writing.

I created a new world while you caused fear in Miami,

Leaving murderers dead like the members of your family.

One by one you get them screaming, then you're cleaning and hardly scheming.

I wiped out the names and faces of millions; surpassing Light is darkly dreaming.

And on top of being sinister, you got the hots for your sister.

You'll be shut down in this battle like the day you finished her.

Dexter Morgan:
I suppose mom was right: don’t squabble with the unqualified

That is why I’ve got to fight, knot you up and commit a horrid homicide

In the dark of night, dies a mortified child who confided with gods of death

Welcome to Dexter’s Lab, guess who’s next? You oughta hold your breath

Horrifying, torturing this forlorn author when he comes to glorious Bay Harbor

Born for dying, the name is Dexter Morgan, the gory notorious martyr

Wasn’t bright of Light to spark a fight, now I’ve caught him like a spider

Thought that he was in the right, well now I’ve blocked this drop-dead writer

Light Yagami:
I'd surely be facing a smarter Dexter if I was against the cartoon.

I don't have Shinigami eyes, but I see your lifespan expiring soon.

You'll wish you made amends with your friends before meeting your end,

But now you'll quickly die at my hands at the stroke of a pen.

( Light Yagami scribbles something down in his notebook, as Dexter approaches. Unexpectedly, Dexter clutches his heart and falls to the ground, dead from a heart attack.)

L:
Kira seems to have graduated to hypocrisy, killing like minds

The clues all fit in the puzzle, all’s left is this pie.

*  L bites into his pie, phone tracker is seen under plate*

A:
N and M could solve this 'mystery', it's really Child's Play

The clue to your Kira killer lies in your own letter --A

L:
With that in mind, let me think back a moment, I won't blame ya

Rule one, I'm always right. The next target is John Kramer.

A:
I'm enjoying your struggle, but for the next target I cannot say

Prioritise saving lives over Jenna blind guesswork though --A

Elsewhere...
( Light 's vision is blurry as he opens his eyes, unaware of where he is. A small television sits in front of him, as he notices the chain attached to his leg.)







I want to play a game.



Jigsaw:
It’s lights out for Light when he finds himself chained in the slayer’s basement

And play him a tape that makes him awake in the state of anxious containment

The reason? He always thinks about himself, sending others down to Hell

So go and judge me, touch the bells. Let my chorus of shotguns yell!

As you may know, I am sick. But not just of any cancer or fever,

But rather of any arrogant embarrassment form of falsified preacher,

Yes, I am sick of YOU. You’re ungrateful, and so my rhymes have slayed you,

Your raps snapped like a bear trap, because you’re just a game. And I have played you.

Light Yagami:
The jig's up, Jigsaw. I'll kill you off like yesterday's news

As the sharpest disses you ever Saw cut through you like your films' reviews!

You remind me of Darth Sidious with cancer and Guy Fieri's hair.

Your verse Conjuring wasn't Insidious; mine can send you back to medical care!

Any test you have for me, I'll ace it if you think I can't face it.

I'm afraid you'd be mistaken. Even Near makes your puzzles look basic.

You couldn't save your wife or pitiful life, so use this knife for your last labor.

It's time for your dead unborn son to meet his dad, John Kramer.

( Light smirks maliciously as he pulls out his Death Note again, scribbling Jigsaw's real identity into the book. Jigsaw turns the television off, knowing he is defeated. )

L:
A Jigsaw's last piece of the puzzle, how ironic.

Now to wring out information like bell chain sonics.

What was it you were saying, Allie, ahem, ally?

You said something about you knowing a gaspipe?

A:
I guess Mona isn't the only killer who likes to play with puppets

Your plummet had begun before any muppet kicked the bucket

But it's a simple solution really, you must have been betrayed

Now quite Var-jacking off in the theatre and solve the case --A

L:
Pretty frank there, Observer. It's no fun when the mood’s no good.

Currently I'm on another mystery, and I’ve Chucked the rule book.

A:
I've got something for you! Glimpses of the future Light the way

Get to work on your job, or else find someone new in a box --A

Elsewhere...










Light Yagami:
After two real criminals, I get a stalking brat with a psycho phone

Who's less intimidating and easier to kill on the microphone.

You gave up power to your wimp boyfriend, but I'll show you how to rule the world.

Class is in session, and I'm teaching a lesson to this yandere schoolgirl.

Plus, your outfit makes me think you came from hentai

'cause I See you in my god's eyes as a fucked up person, Gasai.

With all that bad blood from your lover and cheating on a game,

I got a blank space for this baby, and I'll write your name.

Yuno Gasai:
Oh, dear, it seems Kira has come to make another carcass,

He’ll get tarnished, he’s chosen the wrong target to start with

Only unpredictable because the diaries can’t detect the heartless,

I'm taking out this weeb garbage, because in Light, there is darkness

But regardless, here he comes, thinking he’s justice incarnate

God only by claim wanting to spar with a goddess

Karmic when he buys the farm, no mercy for he nor his whore,

I’ve seen it all before; the pen was mightier than the sword

Your jokes hold no one captured, it’s your diary that invokes laughter

Wanting to see you with Lawliet as if your last name was backwards

So scribble my name in your Handy Dandy Notebook, but I know the truth

The future’s clear, and when it’s through, there will be no happy end for you

Light Yagami:
You know, Yuno, you're no savage when it comes to disses,

But I'll lock this animal back in her cage and show her what a bitch is.

Go back in time with better rhymes and I'll still beat you in every parallel.

I dominated your Mirai Nikki. See you in neither heaven nor hell.

( Light begins to laugh maniacally as he once again opens his notebook, writing Yuno 's name and sealing her fate. No one is surprised.)

A:
Ding dong, do you hear the bells, it seems a bitch has died

Maybe if you'd ignored your pie then Gasai would still be alive

I hear Gods of Death at your door, L, I've enjoyed our repartee

And I hope you see the day that you find your enemy --A

L:
I took a peek over your Vander-Wall, and I saw the Light.

Soichiro was shown wrong about the last word of his life.

In some ways you were my friend, know that I meant this.

Checkmate. Justice is served, Charlotte DiLaurentis.

*  L clicks off his microphone as sirens are heard*

Announcer:








Story
We deduced two different God's and neither of them were the ones we needed.

Who's this "creator" person, then?

I don't think we can figure that out with our current clues. We'll have to dig more.

lame.

Outro


Who won? L A

Who won? Light Yagami Dexter Morgan/Jigsaw/Yuno Gasai

Special thanks to:

- Iamthelegion for writing as L

- Joeaikman for writing as A

- NightFalcon9004 for writing as Light Yagami

- TKandMit for writing as Dexter Morgan and half of Jigsaw 's verse

I wrote half of Jigsaw 's verse and for Yuno Gasai.

HINT DECODING:

Letter - The letter is a suicide letter. Herego, a Death Note

Pinnochio - Pinnochio is famed for his nose that grows when he lies, herego Pretty Little Liars. He could also be seen as foreshadowing SAW, but to each their own.

Night light - You should be able to figure this one out on your own

Greg Heffley - Greg Heffley is the main protagonist of Diary of a Wimpy Kid, which mirrors Future Diary

Story mention - Light Yagami calls himself the God of Death, which is similar to Asriel's title, "God of Hyperdeath."