User blog:The Flatwoods Monster/Until Dawn vs The Cabin in the Woods. Epic Rap Battles of Video Games, Horror and Villains vs History Series Finale



trick or treat

Welcome to the Epic Rap Battles of Horror Season 5  (and series) Finale. It doubles over as a special battle of Epic Rap Battles of Heroes and Villains, as well as a bonus battle for Epic Rap Battles: Video Games vs History. this was also supposed to be the next installment in Lyrically Adequate Battles of Nothing in Particular, but unfortunately due to timing issues, it didn't quite work out. nonetheless, major shout-out to Bran and Kung as they had a huge hand in the plotting and schematics of how the battle eventually turned out.

back on topic, yep, this is the finale. I dont think anyone saw this coming lol. this battle was actually originally planned to be where Frankenstein vs West is, and it wasnt gonna be nearly as big, but after we realized where we could go with it I asked if itd be cool to use it as my finale and the dudes said okay so here we are. speaking of the dudes, if you couldnt tell from the intro, Wonder and TK helped bring this together, along with Multi in our first collab since Zalgo vs Cthulhu, and they all were a huge help, so massive shoutout to them. also, special thanks to Smoshery who supplied several of the gifs in this battle. not really a shoutout, but i think this matchup was first suggested by Dark Cyan. somewhat unrelated to the battle, shoutout to Tiger. happy birthday my dude

footnote before you read this, this battle contains massive spoilers for both Until Dawn and The Cabin in the Woods, so please take caution. knowing both the video game and the movie is pretty critical to understanding what the fuck is happening in this "battle" so in the very least watch The Cabin in the Woods, it's only like an hour and it's a hilarious and very well made movie. also, the beat is extremely important for this one

enjoy, and Happy Halloween.

"Main protagonists of Until Dawn (Mike, Sam, Chris, Ash, and Jess), and main protagonists of The Cabin in the Woods (Curt, Dana, Holden, Marty, and Jules), battle it out in a match-up of two groups of teens in a cabin deep in the woods."

Cast
Hannah Hart as Sam Giddings

BroScienceLife as Mike Munroe

Ben Atha as Chris Hartley

Lauren Flans as Ash Brown

Jessi Smiles as Jess Riley

Lindsey Stirling as Dana Polk

EpicLLOYD as Curt Vaughan

Alphacat as Holden McCrea

Nice Peter as Marty Mikalski

Grace Helbig as Jules Louden

EpicLLOYD as ???

Nice Peter as ???

EpicLLOYD as ???

Neil Blan as Judah Buckner (cameo)

Sulai Lopez as Mother Buckner (cameo)

Atul Singh as Father Buckner (cameo)

Jay Houn as Matthew Buckner (cameo)

Milly Bobbie Brown as Patience Buckner (cameo)

Pinkstylist as Hannah Washington and Billy Bates (cameo)

Fair Warning: This battle contains gifs depicting violence, murder, and gore.

Announcer:
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF VIDEO GAMES, HORROR AND VILLAINS VS HISTORY!

jeez what a mouthful



VS!



BEGIN!

Until Dawn: (0:12)
Boo! Didn’t mean to make you panic; we’re making this Washington film a classic

Recite your random grasp on Latin, ‘causing manic in that Cabin

Last time was tragic, but it’ll happen again when we leave you departed

Fucking ‘em over, so let’s make like pornstars and get this party started!

Retract to the black room from this bad dude, Hashtag “There’s a Freaking Roast After You!”

Attacking in the Blackwoods won’t wrong us Until Dawn, he wouldn’t last the afternoon!

Split up your unlively cast; Ditch the whiny brat and untidy twat and then try to rap

You’d still never measure up to us! Should’ve paid more attention in climbing class

Dana rubbing up on Holden’s husband bulge? This Virgin’s pretty sleazy, eh?

Well she slept with her teacher for better grades! That must’ve given her an Easy A.

Here’s a Harbinging you’d best heed; The Great Pain Will Return at your slightest misstep,

When we rock the mic, we’ll stomp the fight like a moth to a light. Boom... Butterfly Effect.

The Cabin in the Woods: (0:47)
Shots fired! At us, or another lackluster attempt to shoot Em?

I got two middle fingers for that Evil Dead ringer! Well, he could use ‘em

After we tear through this hairy dude and his uncaring shrew, he’ll pin this scare on a bear, too

Think you can bare the fairer crew when you flee from caribou? I double dare you!

Sucker punch these bunch of punks in the unhinged brother’s fucked up lodge,

Bringing on a Rush of Blood when you see what comes from taking the stunts up a notch

The most frightening thing in your eight hour cutscene is the teen drama you make the players go through

I don’t have the Patience for time-wasting gameplay, so snail-paced you even ask that I “don’t move!”

Built their fame on other’s frames, is their lame flow from Heavy Rain or Life is Strange, though?

I’ll bind their minds with ancient logics worse than how their Jigsaw rip-off’s brain explodes

That sucker puppeteered you fucker’s fears, made the Fool of you and it was all a game show!

That’s the plot twist? Yep! The Josh kid drops his conscious and goes “It’s just a prank, bro!”

(As the two teams continue rapping, the view pans backwards to show the entire battle is being broadcasted on a large screen in a mysterious facility. Two men watch patiently.)



Hadley & Sitterson: (1:23)
Tequila is my lady! Might as well call Japan and tell them to take the day off,

Voting pool is closed! Now let’s sit back and watch them make our jobs.

Did you see who the Chemistry Department head bet on? What was her plan?

It’s the Washingtons, everybody! (Ugh!) I’m never gonna get to see a merman!



(The screen shakes and goes static momentarily, a large crash, scream, and roar is heard. When the screen returns, Jess and Jules are missing, both the two teams have confronted each other once again.)

Until Dawn: (1:43)
Good going! While you were crying dry raps, Jess got hijacked from our shy shack

Must be that psycho in the white mask, and I’m gonna fry that guy’s ass!

Don’t be so fast to typecast, Mike; from the mine shaft rises some livid friends,

I’ve seen what those fuckers can do and I don’t want to see it again.



(A wendigo sneaks up from behind, but Chris blasts it away.)

Christ! What the heck was that? Nice shooting, Tex,

No thanks yet, it takes more than a head full of lead to keep those grues dead

We fight with spider-hybrid miners and still turn the heat up in this cipher,

So first rule for any survivors, biker: the dumb blonde always dies first

The Cabin in the Woods: (2:03)
Yeah, an anorexic dead kid is what made off with your weepy whore,

Next time you and Jess want to sext, you’ll have to bust back out the Ouija board

They broke the creed of the Cree, letting man-eating demons haunting free

Leaving crazy deformed beings unleashed, all because she was out of reach

Sounds like some freaky scene featured on a season of Scream Queens

You can call for police, but some things just can’t be unseen

( Curt saddles up on his motorcycle, eyeing the large ravine in front of him.)

I’m coming back with cops, and choppers, and large fucking guns for these tools

And all these fuckin’ assholes are gonna pay. I gotta do this, for Jules.



( Curt's journey over the ravine is cut short as he slams into a mysterious force-field. Chris is caught-off guard and is attacked by a Wendigo. The screen cuts back to static at his scream. When it returns, the Until Dawn team is down in the mines, whereas Holden and Dana still stand at the ravine. Marty is nowhere to be seen.)

Until Dawn: (2:37)
You two move ahead. I’ll catch up, I’ve just been losing my breath

...how’d I get in this huge mess? ...I’m sorry for what we put you through, Beth.

(Someone save me, please!) W-Who’s there? Is that you, Jess?!

Erm… I’ll look for a few secs, and then meet up with who’s left



(Ashley separates from the group to investigate Jess's voice.)

First the whore is caught, than the airborne jock? This corny plot is looking store-bought,

But you need to listen to me. Doesn’t matter to me if you do or not,

There’s a reason you’ve been sheathed in by the same force that spawned those freaks in,

And no matter what you believe in, it’s not the first time Hemsworth got butchered by Whedon!

Elsewhere...

The Cabin in the Woods: (3:04)
(Marty is seen boarding himself in his room. He grabs a lamp to add to his growing pile.)

Undead redneck foes and wendigo’s… well, now MY mind is blown

(Noticing a strange oddity connected to the lamp, he investigates further.)

Wait, what the fuck is this?! You fucking serious?! Is this… a microphone?

Oh, you want me to do a little puppet dance! What else will I learn now?!

(Wait…) I’m on a reality TV show… my parents will think I’m such a burn-out



(As Marty turns his back, Judah Buckner comes up from behind and abducts him, dragging him off to the graves.)

Elsewhere...

Your theories won’t strike fear, retards! Then why do we keep speaking in weak bars?

“We are not who we are...” Marty could see far… uh, sweetheart?

Why don’t you check their X’d off exposition expellers journals? They’re way wrong!

So don’t go crazy on me, lady, above all else, we just have to stay calm



(As Holden has his back turned, Father Buckner sneaks up from behind and impales him by the throat. The screen shakes and flashes between several of the previous scenes, including Ashley's decapitated head, before stabilizing again on the scene of Dana, alone by the dock of the lake, and Mike and Sam , the burning Washington Estate behind them.)

Sam & Mike : (3:59)
Geez, you look like hell. Two on one, the mountain’s kids got you surrounded,

Better wisely pick which diss we’re allowed to spit before she chickens out of it

Buckners fucked up wiping your allies out with underground science

Frightened? Find the totems 'round the mountain for some Guidance

You’ll take a Loss ‘gainst hot lines that we Flamethrower Guys are torching

‘Cause your movie lacked the stars to make itself a better Fortune

Fucking with nature brought the Danger and the Virgin surely suffered dear,

O’ Death, your accomplices consequence spared us over ‘Til Another Year

Dana : (4:29)
Understand the palm of my hand when I'm pressing to Purge your rigged choice System badly

I look like hell? Drag your motion-capture disasters back to uncanny valley

For one who spent half the chapters naked, think by now you’d throw in the towel

Instead of splattering saddening raps on the track like they got disemboweled with a trowel

( Dana spins around to see Marty hidden behind her, still as alive as ever.)

Uh, oh my God, Marty? Oh, yeah… what’ve you been up to?

Marty, the others… nobody else, huh? Just them, and us two?

Look, I’ve got a crazy idea, and you’re really not gonna like it,

But if five kids have to die to keep society in stride, then I quit

Sam & Mike : (4:58)
I have to doubt this, kid. But what he’s spouting is, the world won’t amount to shit

...how do you rate our chances of survival? I’m trying not to think about it.

Marty : (5:05)
Come to see things my way; We light up a joint, and the world will burn

But if these fuckers thrive off of my friends lives, then it’s time we give someone else a turn

(As the two groups reach an agreement, Marty passes a blunt around between the four of them. The scene pans away from this shot, showing every member of the Facility going wild.)

Hadley & Sitterson: (5:16)
Turn the fucking music off! What? No, every quota was satisfied,

...what?! Which one?! The fucking stoner’s still alive?!

But it was all prepped! Oh, being prepped isn’t the same as being prepared!

We need to cap that kid quick, or the world’s in for an Army of Nightmares!

(The screen suddenly and violently changes from the four kids to two white, glowing eyes, which are soon joined by three other pairs.)



The Ancient Ones: (5:25)
 You failed to appease your greater beings, now comes the time to Ragnarock scripts 

''' Doomsday’s been sealed when we’re revealed, your 2012 Apocalypse! '''

 Puppeteering puppeteers, pulling the strings for many years 

 And make infidels disappear if following tradition causes fears 

 No wonder we bring death, warriors of war spitting multisyllabic pestilence 

 You've flattened stomachs from famine, the audience seeks to reap its punishments 

 We have reached the absolute: We’ll torch this world to flames and cinders, 

''' This is how your story ends; Not with a bang, but with a whimper. '''



Announcer:
WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

...

...

...





Doctor Hill : (6:16)
Before I begin, I need to make sure you understand the facts

The choices you've made have determined your fate, and one of you won't last.

Tell me, what puts the feeling of fear into your dark, twisted hearts?

Scarecrows and clowns? Or something a bit more… torn apart?

I’ll pick your brains. Zombies and monsters brought us such a slaughter,

Only for you to say it was entertaining, or not enough and faltered.

Why this morbid… torture porn?! All this petty gore, what is it for?

Some wounds don’t heal! Am I even real? Can you tell the difference anymore?

Or is it your conscience, yelling, telling you that what you’ve done is evil?

These aren’t toys you’re playing with! These are real, tortured people.

So what gives you the right to play God in these innocent beings lives?!

A well-needed lesson best saved for next session, but for you, I’m all out of time.



Outro
IT'S OVER.

IT'S DONE.

Who won? Until Dawn The Cabin in the Woods

Closing Words
ayo, the series is finally over. it started in April of fucking 2014. two years of writing battles between obscure horror characters. lmao thanks for pretending to know them for this long

for real tho, thanks for sticking with the series as long as you guys have and big thanks to anyone who guested over the years. been fun.

if anyone cares, im probably not fully finished writing rap battles for good. i am going to take a break for a while, and definitely wont be reviving this series, but i am fine with guesting still so hmu if you have a role you want for me i guess.

thanks again, and happy halloween.