User blog:Dark Cyan/Cyan's Rap Battles of Literature 18: Lemony Snicket vs Eoin Colfer

Hello, everyone. And welcome back to Cyan's Rap Battles of Literature!

Yeah, I was going to do alternating weeks, but I've been very busy/tired recently, so my non-literature series is on hiatus until Feb 11th, my one year anniversary, and CRBoL will fun fortnightly until then. After that, the alternating weeks will return (and next year, I won't have a weekly schedule at all)

This battle pits the author of the "A Series of Unfortunate Events" YA book series, Lemony Snicket, against the author of the "Artemis Fowl" YA book series, Eoin Colfer, to see which widely popular author of YA dark fantasy is superior

Enjoy!

Beat: Mischievous

Lemony Snicket
(starts at 0:13)

This is a Slippery Slope, so prepare for your descent.

Facing me is facing a whole Series of Unfortunate Events

Get those fairies out your head. You can’t match my appeal!

I’m the first name kids see when they want something surreal!

A leprechaun police force called ‘LEPrecon’? What were you thinking?

You should have spent more time on the jokes and less time on people winking!

This is my field of fiction, bitch, and Snicket’s on the prowl

Your post-millennial series is just plain Fowl

Eoin Colfer
(starts at 0:38)

That was a Bad Beginning. You’ll have to try harder than that, chump

You can’t talk like that when your series is the poor man’s Goosebumps!

Presenting Harry Potter; Directed by Tim Burton

When you put your life on the line against this kind of mind, it’s curtains!

Your works pale in comparison to your successors at present,

To the point where going back and reading yours isn’t Skullduggery Pleasant

Don’t be sour, Lemony, but your series got stale. You should have cancelled

Could Handler not handle anything but using a handle, Daniel?

Lemony Snicket
(starts at 1:02)

You’re asking All The Wrong Questions. Your lines were a Basic Eight

So I ask you this; Why does your series’ latter half get so much hate?

You retconned Minerva, shipped interspecies and the anti-hero sacrificed himself

Your series just turned into a bad fanfiction of itself!

While you’re forgotten, I’m still attracting fans like The Magnetic Fields!

My audiobooks are music to their ears! You should give up, wield,

And just admit you fucked up like the later season of Heroes

I may be the king of dark fantasy kid’s books, but you’re the weirdo

Eoin Colfer
(starts at 1:25)

Wow, you can play the accordion...I was a motherfucking teacher!

How fitting “The Reptile Room” was written by such a slimy creature!

Teens read dystopian novels now. your relevance is already waning

Not even Jim Carrey could make your shit entertaining!

So don’t grossly underestimate my fans’ adoration

I’m showing my skill from ‘Airman’ to ‘Half Moon Investigations’!

I provide magic, adventure and excitement to which you cannot contend!

And Another Thing; sorry “We Are Pirates” flopped. The End.

WHO WON? Lemony Snicket Eoin Colfer