User blog:HOW DARE YOU/Django vs Sheriff Bart

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

That is if you noticed I was gone. If you didn't, well then ignore that.

I got bored again, and with the reemergence of erb, I decided to once again make another one of these things. This time, we have a battle of the westerns. Or, more specifically, the westerns with African American main protagonists. Django Freeman (from Tarantino's Spahgetti "Southern": Django Unchained) and Sheriff Bart (from Mel Brook's comedic classic: Blazing Saddles)! I'm not going to go into much detail on both of these characters because, trust me, YOU NEED TO SEE THOSE MOVIES. THEY ARE SOME OF THE BEST FILMS EVER MADE. YES, EVEN DJANGO IN MY OPINION.

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

Anyways, let's get down to business. In the rap itself, there is some music online that I found last minute that works for it, so if you want to hear it and read along feel free. I also added a bit of an intro to the rap itself, which you can connect to the intro in the music too until the beat comes in, but I digress. Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYn0QdBmtfM And here we go.


 * Open on a wide desert setting. Mountains in the back. Dune hills. Etc. Two horses with men on their backs enter from opposite sides. The two get off, and we don't focus on their faces, just their clothes. They walk toward eachother, hand waving over their gun holsters until they're a couple feet apart when they stop.*

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMPROBABLE RAP BATLES OF HISTORYYYY!


 * pan up on one of the men to reveal...*

DJANGO FREEMAN!

VS


 * cut to the other man and pan up to reveal...*

SHERIFF BART!

BEGIN!

DJ: I'm gonna come in hard, now that I'm off the chain!

'Bout to blow you up like Tarantino, 'cause I can't be tamed!

Sorry there Bart, but a fight against me is a losing battle.

Got a draw so fast, that the only thing left'll be a blazing saddle!

As a dispatcher of the law, compared to me, you're nothing!

I take criminals ou of the equation while you sit in your office rotting.

You're a bad joke Bart, with your frilly outfit.

Thinkin' you're a hero when you've only had to outwit complete idiots!

I took Candieland head on, and I managed to beat 'em!

I burnt the place to the ground. Didn't leave a single cracker livin'!

I went to hell and back to save Broomhilde from her mountain,

You can't even come close, because unlike you, I'm one in ten-thousand.

I hope you brought some extra bags so you can hide your face,

'Cause when we're done, people will see you as a comedic disgrace!

You best remember my name, and the correct ay to spell it.

'Cause like your acting career, the D is silent.

BART: If that's a showcase of your skills then, as of now, I'm not impressed.

Take a seat and listen to how we do it in the west!

'Bart's the name. The best little town sheriff!

Redeemin' racists left n' right while upholdin' sweet justice.

I fought against a backwards system. You think you can take me?

You've got as much of a chance as Hedy Lamarr!

(possible cameo) LAMARR: THAT'S HEDLEY!

BART: Also a ladies man. Lily an' Broomhilda are both swoonin'.

I'm examin' their scars up close while 'Crash is on your schnitzengruben!

But that's enough of my talents, let's talk about the "fastest gun in the south"

Which isn't much of a compliment. It's like you're the "Englishman with the cleanest mouth."

You have no competition against the slow "people of the land".

'Take a ride to Rock Ridge and we'll see how well you stand.

You slaughtered hundreds under the excuse of "They were bad or racist"

Makin' cold hard cash over cold corpss. Brother, let's just face it:

You're a pissed off vigilante with a vendetta against everyone,

With a path that'll lead to your death by a man with a restless gun!

DJ: I've had enough with your second rate insults.

I think it's high time you met my mentor: Dr. King Shultz!

KING: Good cold evening gentlemen. I take it you must be the sheriff.

Whose actions, if I recall, deserve very little merit.

You could only beat the bad guy when you broke the fourth wall,

Because if you did it in your state you'd be breaking the law.

And as such, that would mean there is a price on your head--

Which I checked, by the way, and it isn't worth the waste of lead.

But much like your TV show, you're still gonna die.

But I'm doing it lyrically though I don't even need to try.

I think it'd be best if you return to Rock Ridge with all those Johnsons you keep saving,

And those 15 uber-sausages. Gee, I wonder if that symbolizes something?

You had neither my curiosity nor had my attention.

You're nothing but a punchline that got old after your first bad pun.

DJ: Get back in your stagecoach wagon you came from and ride off into the sunset,


 * they cock their guns*

KING: Before you make us mad and do something that you're going to regret.


 * gunshot is heard behind Bart, who wipes his forehead as someone on a horse comes in close from behind him*

BART: I tried to warn you. Now look what you did.

You just brought on the wrath of the Waco Kid.


 * the rider (Waco Kid/Jim), now next to Bart, gets off his horse*

JIM: Most people call me Jim, but you can call me Calvin.

Seeing as how I'm about to tear through you both and leave your wills broken!

Fastest in the south, meet the best in all the west.

Taking out second rate spaghetti western morons isn't even a test!

You whine about us killing Lamarr when you paint walls with blood!

From the Candies to the Bacall Gang. And you want to drag OUR names through the mud?!

And what was even your plan to save Hilde? Hoping you weren't found?

There were so many ways it could have gone wrong that the idea should never have left the ground!

Boys, I ain't above steppin' on Ray Charles and a Nazi!

Escpecially when they Waltz right in and pretend like they act so Foxxy!

You aren't antiheros, you're murderous crooks.

I say piss on you! I work for Mel Brooks!

BART: To throw your own burn back at you, go back into your dentist cart.

JIM: Because we just out served an ex-slave and tore both of you apart!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

VOTE IN THAT POLL THINGY BELOW ABOUT THE FIRST THING, AND IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE A SUGGESTION FEEL FREE, BUT I'M GOING TO TAKE A STAB IN THE DARK AND SAY THAT NO ONE WILL ACTUALLY DO THAT BECAUSE THIS ISN'T THE REAL ERB PEOPLE THIS IS JUST SOME GUY WHO GOT REALLY BORED AND WROTE THIS THING ON THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE. BUT SERIOUSLY, WATCH DJANGO UNCHAINED AND BLAZING SADDLES. 99% OF THESE JOKES WILL FLY OVER YOUR HEAD IF YOU DON'T SEE THEM. OR MAYBE 80%. I DUNNO. I'M BAD AT MATH.

HEY BOYS! LOOK WHERE YOU CAN VOTE HEYUH! Django/Dr. King Shultz Sheriff Bart/Jim