User blog:Joeaikman/A Rap Battle - David Cameron

First off I'd like to make sure that people are aware that none of this is to be taken seriously. It is a battle base off a news story that is solely based on the allegations of Lord Ashcroft. I am not claiming anything that he said within his book to be true.

Secondly I would like to also say that none of what is in the following should be taken as a response to the allegations by David Cameron who, as I'm writing this, is yet to respond to the allegations.

For those of you don't know, and I suspect that will be most, Lord Ashcroft is a Tory peer (Lord). He has accused the British Prime Minister of several things, including heavy smoking of cannabis in his youth, ignoring tax evasion of his close friends, and, as a youth, placing his genitalia into a pig's mouth as part of an initiation. As such I have written this battle between David Cameron, a famous pig, a famous user of cannabis and a famous tax evader. Enjoy.

David Cameron
First off, I'd like to deny all the allegations against me

Lord Ashcroft is clearly a liar who is driven by jealousy

He's a peer with no power to propose any policies

Whilst I'm the Prime Minister passing papers with authority

My name is known worldwide, he's a poser playing politics

I find his contribution taxing with his whole non-dominance

He can stop his flow of money and my party will still win

You wanna see a dead pig? Look at Labour's chances under Corbyn

Piglet
Did someone say Pig? Let me in to spit sick

And drop my lyrics on this twit like its a game of Poohsticks

If you have the people's popularity they need to see the big picture

Cause you're Christopher Robbin' the poor to make the rich richer

I'm Eton up your lyrics and I'll make a Mess of your agenda

When I call up Kang and Rabbit, you'll Roo messing with the Acres

So come out of the Cabinet, let my gang do the brainstorm

And we will serve up appealing suggestions like a plate of haycorns

The PM gets questioned on the liberal democratic benefits

Of having Osborne drop the beat worse than the deficit

I've overcome my fears, this toff Tory couldn't get sillier

Than when he's committing both beastiality and necrophilia

David Cameron
This rude cartoon needs to learn that you can't diss me

When I drop you from your stories like my names Walt Disney

I'll Heffa-lump it out, a capitalist causes an influx of money

You should be happy, your kind can now get married in my country

Bob Marley
Dude, you're Jamaican me crazy with all your right wing moves

How can I trust you when you want our human rights removed

I write for Liberty, Justice and the freedom of the citizens

Who do all your country's work but get limited education

Because you caved in to Gove who went and messed shit up

But you're just so whipped that you gave him another leg up

When I and I watch you and George try running along

I realise I smoked a less political Cheech and Chong

We talking Blues? Then you'll lose to the legend that is Labour

But Feel Alright David, you just weren't the right saviour

I'm Burnin' rich pricks who like to give little boys a fondle

You can try and live like your people, flipping burgers at McDonalds

David Cameron
I'll go toe to toe with Bob and see which parts defective

You can attempt some running, mate, you'd never get elected

I can't guarantee Survival in this wailin' confrontation

When a white man smacks a black straight to a plantation

Jeff Bezos
Now now, David, there's no need to get racist

All our nations are connected, makes us interrelated

Hence why I started a company to bridge every country

That grew into a machine designed to make me money

I'm a man of the year, went from the bottom to where I am

And proved that if I can do it so can any other working man

Grew up in Texas where we'd farm it, now I'm on the mass market

Guiding tech into space, when we get Galactic we can park it

When this innovative genius picks up lyrics and gets rapping

My lethal supply will surprise you more than extra prices for packaging

Our slippery artillery is gonna give us extra liberties

So now I'm gonna kick your ass, with next day delivery

==David Cameron

With all those tax issues I'd suggest that you stop bragging, son

Or I'll verbally chop your site down like it was the Amazon

I'm electable and dependable, the worst boss wants to face this

When I could find your stuff and more just by searching it on Craigslist

Who won? David Cameron Piglet Bob Marley Jeff Bezos