User blog:ResonX/Poison Ivy vs. Audrey II

ORIGINAL LYRICS POSTING: http://moleman9000.deviantart.com/art/Moleman9000-s-ERBs-12-Poison-Ivy-vs-Audrey-II-400967285

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES…

'''…Will not be shown tonight due to the fact that IT'S THE FREAKING APOCALYPSE! GIANT PLANTS ARE RAMPAGING ACROSS THE WORLD! IT'S LIKE THE HAPPENING, BUT LESS ABSURD. OOOOOH, THE HUMANITY AND ALL THE PEOPLE SCREAMING AND–'''

'''WAIT! WHO'S THAT? OVER THERE, RIGHT THERE! SOME STRANGE–LOOKING PERSON APPEARS TO BE APPROACHING THE LEADER OF THE PLANTS… WAIT… IS THAT… COULD IT BE… OH MY GOD, IT IS! IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GONNA BE HAVING A BATTLE AFTER ALL!'''

LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN…

(Video is fast–rewound back to start)

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!

POISON IVY…

…VS…

…AUDREY II!!!

BEGIN!!!

Poison Ivy:

The beautiful mistress of all Earthly vegetation

Is here to pluck this demonic, alien abomination!

See, I've felt a great disturbance in the forces of nature;

Plants being given a bad name by some insidious creature

That maliciously spreads death, destruction and ruin.

And that's why, just this once, I'm siding with the humans!

I have positive goals; you're truly a bad seed.

I'm a hot, thorny red rose; you're a hideous weed.

You're further from a true, natural plant than Biollante.

The only realm in which you should exist is tentacle Hentai,

Which this is not, so don't start getting grabby with those vines!

You and your brood are not, in any sense, "babies" of mine.

I'm an independent woman; you rely on stupid jerks

To make your cliched, shallow, implausible schemes work!

There's no focus group at work here; my personally sending

You to Hell will be this battle's one, true and only ending!

I don't need a deus ex machine to uproot you, Junior,

And flush you back down into a Mushroom Kingdom sewer!

My Temptations are superior; your crude tricks won't affect me,

And when I destroy you, I won't even make it sexy!

What I'll do to you won't involve any type of kiss,

But will still cause your life's total, permanent eclipse!

I'll clip your appendages, leaving them as Stubbs,

Then go straight for your stem and nip it right in the bud!

Audrey II: Good Heavens, look; it's very nearly Suppertime!

I can spare a few minutes, though, so let me bust a rhyme:

If you go by "Poison Ivy", then you can call me "Hemlock".

You say I'm a bad seed? Well, no shit, Sherlock!

Trying to dishearten me based on any moral grounds

Is like attempting the same with a certain psycho clown!

We're on a world tour; you can't even take a single city.

Say that ain't fair? Well, guess what: tough titty!

I'm a mean, green mother with a mother of a brain,

Wilting your sorry ass like my name was Bruce Wayne!

You're looking at the REAL deal, not the shitty cartoon version!

And before you reference that in a diss, remember: Uma Thurman.

Of all villainous vegetations, I'm not just in the Four Tops;

I'm THE all–time number–one pick of the crop!

You're dealing with the pinnacle of all flowering phylums,

From whose ravenousness there is no Arkham Asylum!

I've trained with Corman and Oz; you can't beat me!

You've ditched your blood for chlorophyll; you can't even FEED ME!

You'll Woodrue the day you messed with this particular plant.

"Independent"? You rely on what's in stupid jerks' pants!

You'd be nothing without your fancy pheromones and boobs.

My words were all I needed to grow bigger than hula–hoops!

I'll stick my tendrils up your nose and give you a lobotomy;

Then, you'll finally be one with the subject of your botany!

Poison Ivy:

This perverse, repugnant people–eater won't be so passionate

Once the true agents of nature render him and his inanimate!

Your kind may be immune to my usual toxicity,

But let's see how you fare when I power a whole infantry!

Unlike my namesake, I'll give you far more than just a rash

When my plant army rises up and ends yours in a flash!

(Ivy's plant minions, consisting of vegetation creatures from many different media, appear as she becomes increasingly hysterical, maniacal and "drunk" with power)

Come forth, my children, for there are monsters on our lawn,

And both your mothers, I and Mother Earth, demand that they begone!

Yes, blossom, my pretties! Grow For Me! BLOOM,

And instill these beasts with seven large rooms worth of gloom!

Once I've saved the world from you, I'll make myself its queen,

Enslave mankind, and make our planet Absolutely Green!

Audrey II:

Woah, there; slow down and hold the phone, girl.

If you really think you'll do all that, you're in a different world!

I'm a monster, alright, but are you really all that different?

There's a major distinction between normal plants and mutants!

For every ten of your pea shooters, I can make a million spores.

Say you'll win this? Say you'll stop us? Well, I say UP YOURS!

Look around, and you'll see that my offspring are flourishing

While your fighting flora's falling flat, dying and perishing,

So give it up; it's all over! And by the by,

Turns out "The Meek Shall Inherit" actually was a lie!

Mwha–Ha–Ha! And if you think we're having Some Fun Now,

Just wait 'til I plow your bush with my hardwood bough!

''Heh. That's funny because your "bough" is like a penis.''

Audrey II: What the– …Who just had the gall to say that? You ain't supposed to spell out what a line like that means; if you have to explain a joke, there is no joke!

''Oh, really? I'd say there is most definitely a joke here…''

Harley Quinn:

…But I'm the one who'll deliver its punchline, Twoey!

This time, the joke's on you, 'cause when it comes to Ivy,

I'm the only one allowed to go beyond second base,

Just like offing the Bat is reserved strictly for Mr. J,

Whose apprentice doesn't need his help to help this green–thumbed chemist

Put a sound stop to this vaguely–racist alien menace!

Catwoman? Pfffft. We're the real bad Gotham Girls.

Find somewhere else to terrorize, 'cause this is our world!

I'll end you more abruptly than Aaron Eckhart's Two–Face,

Then play you off on my kazoo with "Amazing Grace".

(Plays "Amazing Grace" on a kazoo for the length of a couplet)

And once this Dark Knight's over, and I've made mulch out of you,

I'll have finally earned the cred needed to make my film debut.

Screw "Suppertime"; it's HAMMERTIME!

I may be "just" a hench–wench to the Clown Prince of Crime,

But in villain terms, that's like serving directly under GOD.

I'm about to go full–psycho–mode like Suicide Squad!

What you call your "hardwood bough", I call a very small "subpoena",

Which I'll be sure to salvage from your corpse to serve to my hyenas!

Vroom–vroom!; I'll run you through just like my name was Davidson!

But first, I'll do some dental work on your jagged, rotten grin;

So keep that trap wide open, and remember to say "Aaaahh!"

As I straighten out your big ol' smile with this here bazooka!

(Harley fires her bazooka; the rocket flies straight into Audrey II's gaping Pac–Man mouth as the monster doesn't seem to make any attempt to close it or otherwise dodge.)

Audrey II: Oh, SHIT! …Wait, why didn't I just shut– (EXPLODES)

Harley Quinn: I… I did it! I actually did it! Mr. J's gonna be so proud…

Poison Ivy: Um… I hate to burst your bubble, but there are still, like, a hundred more of those things stomping around!

Harley Quinn: Oh… right… This might take a while. Wait, we don't have to do that whole rap battle thing with every one of them, do we?

EPILOGUE: (Shown as a slideshow)

''Both Poison Ivy's plant army and Harley Quinn's breakthrough discovery of the Audrey IIs' weakness to internal explosions (which, implausibly enough, but not all that much more implausibly than the Audrey IIs' being able to rise to power in the first place) contributed greatly to the eventual destruction of all the remaining Audrey IIs. Following this, Poison Ivy turned her minions on the human population, with the intention of subjugating, rather than eating or otherwise killing, most. She ultimately conquered most of the Western Hemisphere… only to be overthrown by Batman a short time later. When asked why he was not present during the main war against the Audrey IIs, Batman simply replied "I'm Batman.", punched the reporter and disappeared with a smoke bomb.''

WELL… THAT WAS COMPLEXLY SCRIPTED TO A POSSIBLY NEEDLESS DEGREE.

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT

FOR ONCE, YOU DECIDE… SORT OF!

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who Won? Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn Audrey II