Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers



Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers is the fifty-fifth installment of Epic Rap Battles of History and the tenth episode of Season 4. It features Western Philosophers: Nietzsche, Socrates, and Voltaire, rapping against Eastern Philosophers: Lao Tzu, Sun Tzu, and Confucius. It was released on July 6th, 2015.

The Western Philosophers
Nice Peter as Nietzsche

EpicLLOYD as Socrates

Zach Sherwin as Voltaire

The Eastern Philosophers
KRNFX as Lao Tzu

Timothy DeLaGhetto as Sun Tzu

MC Jin as Confucius

Lyrics
[Note: ''Socrates is in vanilla, Nietzsche is in brown , Voltaire is in orange , Lao Tzu is in  yellow , Sun Tzu is in  red , and Confucius is in  gray. If either group is rapping together, they will appear in regular text.'']

The Western Philosophers:
I'm coming off the Acropolis to start some pandemonium.

Don't bring limp raps to a pimp slap symposium!

The mad gadfly, philosophy was my invention!

Rolling with the flyest nihilist,   and me, their French henchman!

We've got the wisdom   and the wit that even I couldn't question!

Dropping Western medicine  on these East infections!

It's evident   you've never been our type of mental brethren!

We're better  thinkers, better  speakers, better  lovers, better men!

The Eastern Philosophers:
This type of arrogance is sure to be expected

From men who speak of wisdom with no clue of what respect is!

You Westerners are sloppy, needing discipline in life.

You lack control of yourselves and of the mic.

While we use precise strikes to disrupt your concentration,

Hand you an ass-whipping our descendants will honor for generations!

We filled a nation   with patience and the presence   for living,

And you'll never hold a candle   to the wisdom we've   written!

The Western Philosophers:
Oh, I'll give you something you can bow and kowtow to

When I squat down and squeeze out a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu!

You need to take control of the life you're given!

They call me Übermensch 'cause I'm so driven!

And I'm a freethinker, so confronting conformists like you? It's my job!

Got a sharp wit like a spit that'll skewer you like a Confu-shish kebab!

(Oh!) You flubbed the mission. I'm beating your submissive ass into submission!

Dishing out more disses than letters and pamphlets and plays I've been publishing!

Now that we've covered the two Yin and Yang twins, I can move on to Jackie Chan!

Sun Tzu, I'll be picking apart your Wu with my method, man!

The seminal general isn't so tough on the mic; all your men must be like, "Yo, what happened?"

You're pitiful lyrically. Lucky for history, you didn't author The Art of Rapping!

The Eastern Philosophers:
Bitch, I wrote The Art of War, so you better get your guns out!

These white boys getting burned 'cause guess what? Now, the Sun's out!

Asians spitting sick, but no, this isn't SARS!

Laozi, kick the beat; now Confucius, drop some bars!

Let me be Candide with you, Voltaire,

French drip with the egg noodle hair.

Your ego's just so distracting.

Free speech doesn't mean just keep yapping!

And you killed God so I gotta ask:

Did he die of shame when he made your mustache?

You tried to plant a new German psyche,

But you just grew hate; me no Third Reichy!

And it all starts with you: you're the father, Socrates!

Honestly, I think you owe both of your students here an apology!

The Western Philosophers:
I wouldn't exactly call myself a student of this plebe.

Don't make Nietzsche come over and put a knee up in your chi,

'Cause I'm N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E,

And I'll end any motherfucker like my name in a spelling bee!

Plebe, bitch? I'm toxic like a hemlock sip!

Hang a sandal on the door 'cause you can suck Soc's dick!

Sacré bleu, Socrates! You're making things a little tense!

Come, let's blind these Chinese heinies with some shiny bright enlightenment!

I'll not be taught camaraderie from a frog who rigged the lottery!

You make a mockery of ethics, so keep your fat nose in your coffee!

Let me be frank: don't start beef with the Frank,

Who hangs with B. Franks, giving ladies beef franks!

The Eastern Philosophers:
I have turned them on themselves. Their chaos is our opportunity!

We must remember: a bowl is most useful when it is empty.

(Ugh!) Laozi, I don't mean no disrespect,

But you need to fill your bowl with some shit that makes some sense!

Oh, you don't wanna stand in the path of Lao Tzu today.

I'll make you move, bitch. Get out the way!

Yo, where in the tradition of rap battles is it written

That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some clucking chickens?

Man, Confucius, you always try to put something in its place.

Why don't you tell your eyebrows they need to fit better on your face?

Okay, I see. You wanna make it like that?

I'll smack that warmongering head out of your to-go box hat!

So here's the real golden rule: I'm way above you weak rookies.

Confucius say, you can all hold these fortune cookies!

The Western Philosophers
I'll check in first, 'cause I'm the best Western

...

Like, how did these boring geeks from the Far East get invited?

Well, I hope that they can speak their minds better than they can write it

Oh, I'm delighted by their writings, such charming little (?)

From such charming simple little men in charming little stocks

We're a fearsome trio! Yes, but what does it all mean?

It means the fate of these ancients is about to be seen

We've got the logical means to philosophically dominate your rhetoric

And get it boiled down to its essentials till it's evident

You've never been our type of mental brethren

We're better  thinkers, better  speakers, better  lovers, better men!

Sacré bleu, I'm the one you'll kowtow to,

When I squat down and drop a Tao of Pooh on who?

Nietzsche:
Lao Tzu!

Sun Tzu:
In the midst of this chaos lies our opportunity!

Bro, enough with the riddles, I don't mean no disrespect!

General

 * At a total time of 4:20, this is the second-longest video to date.
 * This is the longest rap battle to date, with an overall rapping time of 3:26.
 * This battle features a preview of Shaka Zulu and the Zulu Warriors in the end slate.
 * This is the sixth battle to reveal characters of an upcoming battle in an end slate.
 * The punchline at the end of the video is emphasized on the "Who Won? Who's Next? You Decide!" sequence instead of the "Epic Rap Battles of History" outro.
 * This is the fourth battle to do so.
 * On this note, this is the first battle to have a different variation of "Who Won? Who's Next?", instead being replaced by "What is Winning? Who is Next?".
 * This is the first battle to not feature the opponents standing side by side during the end slate, as it switches from the Western Philosophers to the Eastern Philosophers.
 * This is the third battle to have characters talking during the "Who won? Who's next?" sequence.
 * This is the first team battle to turn into a royale, with team members on each side turning on each other to rap against one another.
 * This is the second battle to have three people on a team at any time.
 * This battle features the most amount of individual rappers rapping against one another, at a total of six.
 * This is the first battle where the locations are shown to be separated in three-dimension.
 * This is the third battle where the locations are not separated with a straight line.
 * This is the first team battle to not feature fictional characters.
 * This battle has the most non-fictional rappers, at six.

Continuity

 * This battle stands second for the most title cards, at six.
 * This is also the second team battle where each team member was introduced individually.
 * This is the first battle where a character portrayed by Nice Peter and a character portrayed by Zach Sherwin are on the same side.

Production

 * This is the first battle where a rapper creates his own beat, which in this case, is through beatboxing.
 * This is the fifth battle to have additional music added in created by the ERB crew.

Errors

 * During some points in the battle, MC Jin's tattoo is clearly visible on his neck.
 * At 0:18, Socrates is glitched into the ground.
 * At 2:33, Voltaire says the word "sacrebleu" (which can be translated to "goddamn it" in French, though this word is no longer used very much), but it is typoed in the subtitles as "sacré bleu".
 * At 2:58, Lao Tzu's arm is seen around Sun Tzu's shoulder, when in the previous shot, it isn't.