User blog:Bobdave/Bob and Loyg's Too Swaggy To Handle Rap Battles of Too Swaggy To Handlery. James Bond vs Batman

I'm violently violating your vagina

ANNOUNCER: ʎɹǝןpuɐɥ oʇ ʎƃƃɐʍs ooʇ ɟo sǝןʇʇɐq dɐɹ ǝןpuɐɥ oʇ ʎƃƃɐʍs ooʇ s,ƃʎoן puɐ qoq

BARRY:
Wtf

*Turns it right side up again*

Ye

ANNOUNCER:
BATMAN

VERSUS

BATMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN

Shit wait no

JAMES BOND!

There we go!

DO A FIGHT!

BATMAN:
Yo, it's Bruce Wayne here to- FUCK

SHIT

WHY DID I SAY THAT?

Keep it cool, Bruce…

Uh…

Ahem.

I'm the caped crusader! You take a woman and rape her!

My dick's so hot that when I shoot my spray, it turns to vapour!

I've Got-ham in my Batpants, now give me a lapdance

And watch me as I fiddle with your diddy staff, Lance!

LANCE:
Mmmmm...

BATMAN:
You've a License to Kill... my boner!

You rape a lot of women but you're still a loner!

I'm like Spider-Man, except I'm not a piece of crap!

You can't rap! Batman says so! Suck my cap!

JAMES BOND:
I'll be sucking nothing if you're consenting to the act!

Guess what I'll leave shaken not stirred: your crack!

Got many faces to my name, which is Bond! James Bond!

That sex offender from across the pond! Of clit I'm rather fond!

I hope you drop out of a helicopter and take a Skyfall!

Then crash through the glass ceiling of a shopping mall!

Look over here! There are Writings on the Wall!

They say "James Bond is going to rip off Batman's shrunken balls!"

BATMAN:
Shut up, you don't get a say, you rape women!

But I run a brothel full of willing ladies, business is booming!

I'll Ark-ham into your hiney while Alfred serves us both tea!

Except for you! The only one who'll be drinking is me!

I'm in the Justice League! I'll thrust this league inside you!

And! Then! Release! My goo!

You're a rapist from Connery to Moore and then to Brosnan!

A MAN WHO HAD SEX WITH HIS BRO'S NAN:
I just came back from having sex with my bro's nan!

BATMAN:
Nobody else in my crew is really that cool, to be fair

I mean who the hell are Vibe and Resurrection Man? They're

Shit! But at least I'm single-handedly more awesome than the Avengers!

M died and you won't avenge her!

JAMES BOND:
At least say "spoiler alert" before you tell me M died! Fuck you!

I have people lining up to suck my sack! Join the Q!

I'll give you a shock with my Thunderball!

My third favourite Oasis track? Wonderwall!

I explained the exploits of a gangsta Tank Engine!

While you're fighting a fat man who claims he's a Penguin ! Someone told me Martha's arsehole fits 24 carrots!

But when I stuck my Goldfinger up, she just wouldn't have it!

I reminded her I'm a spy with a sexy British voice

And if she didn't want to bugger then she didn't have a choice!

Why do you hang around boys all clad in mad spandex?

I'll wipe up this batshit twat: Andrex

BATMAN:
Rape intervention! No woman deserves this!

Come on, dude! You’re supposed to be in the Secret Service!

I call myself the Dark Knight when I’m white! Is this racist?

Why the hell am I asking you? You’re a rapist!

My many successful cartoons are adored

But how could anybody love you? You’re such a man-whore!

I chomp on these bars: Jaws! Excuse me, that's my phone.

Hello, Afred?

ALFRED PENNYWORTH:
Master Wayne?

BATMAN:
That was on loudspeaker, no!

JAMES BOND:
I've a View to a Kill and a goo to spill slowly!

This hot semen blast is For Your Eyes Only!

I get more action than Statham: Jason!

Octopussy is definitely not a lesbian eightsome!

You're so predictable Batman! I've been expecting you!

I have great films! Casino Royale and Spectre too!

Alongside my secret agent card: "Inspector boob"!

A License to Motorboat whomever I choose!

ETHAN HUNT:
Done with eating cunt, it's Ethan Hunt

I had some weird sex: queef and grunt!

Speaking of weird sex: I'm a fond frond-fondler!

You won't believe how many times I've had bondage in a gondola

In Honduras! Got a monstrous long rod to prod ya with!

My monolith's so prominent it takes my whole squad to lift!

I'm a hotshot top rogue agent with a lot of balls!

Now I'll fuck Rick Grimes' squeeze: Michonne Impossible

And to further enhance the vivid sexual imagery

I will dangle from the ceiling from my phallus! (Give it to me!)

When I took her on the Cruise, well, I popped her in her funnel

I don't give up the chase, I just 'copter in your tunnel!

BATMAN:
Freeze, Mister! That was terrible, can I redo?

No?

ALFRED PENNYWORTH:
Take off your mask so I can see you.

BATMAN:
Alfred, stop. Are you trying to get me noticed?

ALFRED PENNYWORTH:
If I unzip right here, will you take a moment to blow this?

JAMES BOND:
I'll film it with this pen while you suck on his crotch!

Then upload it all to Vimeo with my SmartWatch!

You have five movies, Hunt, meanwhile I have dozens!

How does Batman's mum call him for dinner?

She doesn't!

ETHAN HUNT:
I'm really sorry your backstory was that nasty

How did you get out of that well? Did you call for Bat-Lassie?

JAMES BOND:
I'm trained to shoot you in the head, and this time I can't fake this

Just one round and that's another off Craigslist!

'*Batman is nowhere to be seen. Bruce Wayne appears in his place.*'

BRUCE WAYNE:
Running this game from atop Wayne Enterprises

Give him a babe and Wayne enters, prises!

My company is massive as fuck! We do all kinds of shit!

We even have Wayne Records, through which I sell the rhymes I spit!

I employ Superman too! Hey, Clark Cunt, you're fired!

I probably made your fucking rake, your tweezers, and your pliers!

Your snow shoes, your O2, your gross nudes and YouTube!

I even made the goddamn condoms that broke to make you two!

ALFRED PENNYWORTH:
Another thing to blow your mind, check out his comics

When the city needs Batman, his suit: he'll don it!

BRUCE WAYNE:
We need to talk, Alfred. This is serious business. The game you're playing, what exactly is this?

ALFRED PENNYWORTH:
Sorry Master Wayne... I mean Batman... I mean Bruce

I'm just trying to spread awareness of the good things you produce!

BRUCE WAYNE:
But my identity has been revealed like five times now! Yeesh!

I really hope Wayne Enterprises makes bleach...

ETHAN HUNT:
I'm leaving. Bye.

*Ethan Hunt leaves.*

'*Indiana Jones swings in on his whip, performing a quadruple backflip and landing on his feet, causing the ground around him to crack from the impact. He is awarded a perfect score by the panel of judges.*'

INDIANA JONES:
I'm getting too old for this so I'd better keep it terse

Harrison Ford will soon be in a Harrison hearse

JAMES BOND:
He just insulted himself, I think he's getting senile

INDIANA JONES:
Short Round is what I call something penile!

*Indiana Jones is escorted off the premises.*

THE BLACK SPY:
Your whacks rhymes can't stack right up to the Black Spy!

I destroyed the government while you tried to make a bat cry!

THE WHITE SPY:
These claims are not true, my ethnic minority counterpart!

Now step on this red 'X', you sure are bound to shart!

*The Black Spy steps on the X and is catapulted into a Wayne Manure factory*

*A bit of shart is left on the floor behind him*

BATMAN:
My secret's out now so I went to the brothel to get it hard

But I didn't pay them, I just put it on my Bat-credit card

JASON BOURNE:
I was Bourne to give you dicks a kicking up the rectum!

I go for 24 hours! You last 23 seconds!

I like meat and dairy! Sausages and cottage cheese!

If I'm clothed and in public, give me some frottage, please!

SPY (TEAM FORTRESS 2):
My cock is Heavy! All you have is a mini gun!

You dumbshits' dicks are limp, while I have a stiff and spinny one!

I had to kill a guy, but he wasn't home! I cut the guy's wife

When I penetrated her with my butterfly knife!

I'm French! Did you know? Je veux que vous mourez!

If you're wondering what that means, I just called you super gay!

My slut talks back and I slap her in the groin!

When I dominate the clit, I call it capturing the point!

A GOOD PERSON:
The battle is now over.

ANNOUNCER
WHO WON?

WAS IT BATWAYNE?

BRUCE WAYNE
FUCKING STOP

Who Lost? Bruceman Lance James Bond A man who had sex with his bro's nan Ethan Hunt Alfred Pennyworth Indiana Jones The Black Spy The White Spy Jason Bourne The Spy from Team Fortress 2 These battles coming back after 8 months Frottage

And for those who were confused: