User blog:Hippie Rat/Mark Twain vs Louis C.K.

In hindsight, I probably should not have written this with quite as many n-words. For those of you offended by the n-word, please do not read this one. Thanks for reading otherwise.

The stand-up comedian, Louis C.K., battles humorist and author of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain. But will there be a certain gentleman to turn the tides?

Lyrics
Announcer:

Epic Rap Battles of History! Louis C.K. vs Mark Twain! Begin!

Louis C.K.:

Now... I don't really know how to start off a show,

But I know the first thing you say is going to blow.

Why? Because you won't win. Why? Because I can't lose,

Why? Because I'm that good. Why? Because you've no clue,

What I know in the flow of mainstream today,

You're one of them cocky mothafuckas I'd kill if it was okay.

Go out of my way to murder Mark Twain,

I'll turn gay, turn you gay, then fuck you in the ass and give you incurable AIDS.

When I deploy no decoy of drollery far from coy to enjoy, you're annoyed,

Do you know how sketch it is for someone my age to be writing about little boys?

Missouri loves comedy, so it must work,

If I say that this nigger just made the shit out of this rap verse.

Mark Twain:

Louis, that was a literary nightmare, now your defeat is in my head, tangled,

Because your raps are shittier than your ankle.

Now you're choking like you got a lead-shotted frog in your throat,

I flow like the Mississippi River, so don't rock the boat.

People say my vocabulary don't belong on the shelves of schools,

But I don't scratch the surface of the profanity from a faggot cunt nigger like you.

I'm the all-American humorist, but the way your humor is,

Your main claim to the States is your fat, ugly appearance.

Louis C.K.:

Okay, I won't lie, I enjoy every meal,

Which is why it pains me to disrespect Colonel Sanders here.

You wanna talk "nigger"s like it's a normal term like jive?

You say it behind a page, I spurt it out live,

To an audience that's far from astonished an abomination can be said so casually,

When it wasn't even unspeakable in your day, and now that I think it, actually,

You said it so disrespectfully, every black rapper fittin'a cap you so they can test the,

Comets, ah, forget it, just go back to playing butt buddies with Nikola Tesla.

Mark Twain:

You got a lot of balls to be saying shit like that,

To the best author who has ever broken mold and stepped to spit a rap.

You look more lost on your thoughts than when you're high off your balls, sir,

Or gone and wander a cave like your name was Tom Sawyer.

It's over. That first-class era is gone like you said it would,

Faster than you angered all the black neighborhood,

Just for committing to submitting redneck stand-up to the track,

And from what I see from cable, guy, you ain't fox-worthy of that.

There's no innocent abroad when Lou is talking bangs,

A hack of a cracker backtracked from a crappy black flick, Pootie Tang.

Step to Mark Twain, you'll find yourself buried halfway to a mark twain,

That mothafucka C.K. ain't okay, raps worse than my nigga Lil Wayne.

Hook (Lil Wayne):

Aight, I was gonna let you off easy, it can happen with the Weezy..but y'all racist fuckers don't be messing with the best... It's the Weez!

Lil Wayne:

Yo, I'm about to mark Mark Twain's grave "Mark",

Man can't touch this so much call me a national park.

Nigga be bitching about his daughter like he got no heart, nigga,

And both y'all niggas more whitewashed than a picket fence, nigga.

Chorus (x2):

It's the Weezy,

Both of y'all are paler than mozzarella cheesy,

You chugging jizz like "damn this shit is creamy",

Steal your fame like I did to West name Yeezy.

Lil Wayne:

You think you're better than me, you're Cracker Jack shit, nigga,

I got more balls than you all with a quarter of my dick, nigga.

Don't step to me, nigga, I'm the prince and you the paupers,

So high on my throne, got a joint in my mouth like a lollipop, nigga.

Chorus (x2):

It's the Weezy,

Both of y'all are paler than mozzarella cheesy,

You chugging jizz like "damn this shit is creamy",

Steal your fame like I did to West name Yeezy.

Lil Wayne:

You're so old you ancient, ain't shit, that's what you are, nigga,

Now I'm teaching these white boys to rap without pulling the race card, nigga.

Weezy will leave you coughing and wheezing, but it ain't no Gremlin, nigga,

I'm that nigga that just destroyed y'all white-ass niggas!

Announcer:

Who won? Who's next? You Decide! Epic Rap Battles of History!

Poll
Who won? Louis C.K. Mark Twain Lil Wayne