Talk:J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin/@comment-25144949-20160501162057

(I'm not a huge fan of either, so some words I didn't know. Those words are italicized.)

Martin:

Brace yourselves! Gather up your trolls and your soldier elves,

And your ants and your orcs and your wars and your stings, your dwarves and panderings,

'Cause there's a new leader, every Lord in the Ring!

My readers fall in love with every character I've written.

Then I kill 'em...and they're like "???"

All your bad guys die and your good guys survive.

We can tell what's gonna happen by page in age five!

Tell your all seeing eye to find some sex in your movies.

(Yeah...)

Ditch the Goonie and cast a couple boobies!

There's edgier plots in that David the Gnome!

Your Hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my Throne!

Tolkien:

Kings, queens, dragons, dwarves,

Horses, fortresses, magic, and swords!

You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack!

You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq!

In book sales, you've got nothing to say!

I'm number one and two! You're under Fifty Shades of Grey!

I got the prose of a pro! Your shit's sub-par!

You're a pirate! You even stole my R.R.!

(Oh!)

We all know the world is full of chance and anarchy,

So, yes, it's true, no lie, for characters to die randomly!

But newsflash! This genre's called Fantasy!

It's meant to be led through your list and cue my upper manatee!

Martin:

I conscientiously objecture what you're doing on these beats.

I'll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast!

You went too deep, Professor Tweedpants!

We don't need the backstory on every fucking tree branch!

Tolkien:

I cut my teeth in the trenches of the swamp,

You locked your Santa Claus ass through Vietnam!

Man, it's hard for me to take criticism up close,

From a dude who sent The Raven to say to his Pole!

Martin:

Mans, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke!

My show's the hottest thing on HBO! (Oh!)

I'm rock and roll, you're a nerdy little Leviathan!

I may be dirty, but you got a hairy foot fetish!

Dawg, even the names of your characters suck!

We got Mauhúrs, and Bofurs, and Brandybucks!

I got a sickened breakfast for all them goofy fucks!

Lift up my gut and tea-Baggins my nuts!

Tolkien:

Yes, Lewis and I were just discussing,

How you and Jon Snow both know nothing!

Because some backstory of my box office is billions!

Got my children making millions off my still more millions!

And I'm more rock and roll than you've ever been!

Don't believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin!

You can't reach this fellow! See, I'm too towering!

(Ooh!)

Every time I battle, it's Return of the King!