User blog:Dark Cyan/Cyan's Rap Battles of Literature 16: George R.R. Martin vs J.R.R. Tolkien

Hello, everyone. And welcome back to Cyan's Rap Battles of Literature!

This is it. The finale of Cyan's Rap Battles in Literature. And oh, boy is this a big one! I couldn't have done it without all of you. I mean it. Thank you all.

This mega-royale would not have been finished today without some excellent guest writers; We have Joe writing the part of George R.R. Martin, Legion Writing the parts of both C.S. Lewis and Neil Gaiman, and Brendan writing the part of L. Frank Baum. Thank you all for making this happen!

This battle pits the Fantasy author behind the incredibly popular Song of Ice and Fire series, George R.R. Martin, against the Fantasy author of the legendary Lord of the Rings series, but they'll both have plenty of company, in this Epic Battle Of Many Armies to once and for all decide the true King of High Fantasy.

Cyan's Rap Battles will return in September. Until then,

Enjoy!

Beat: Struggle For Honor Continuous Loop

George R.R. Martin:
I've got the Fury and the Roar, to Sow disses on this amateur.

Growing Strong from the start, with the Wit and Wisdom of a Lannister.

I'll remain Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken when you step at the Crossroad.

And feed you to Wolves and Lions, let Joffrey loose with his crossbow.

My Honour's High, I'll build a lyrical Wall you just can't climb.

You'll be isolated like Pyke when your head adorns my spikes.

So with Fire and Blood I'll tell you that Winter is Coming.

Yet Here I Stand, Above the Rest, whilst you're simply nothing.

j.R.R. Tolkien:
All that is gold goes not glitter.

And all that is good does not take six years to make.

And O this fat pervert will get his just deserts.

Or he would if his plots didn't move at a snail's pace.

I'm the High Lord of Fantasy, George. You Know Nothing. Be silent.

I don't resort to war glorifying, graphic sex or violence.

Just stick to writing Sci-Fi Novellas with Lisa Tuttle.

Or I'll slay this sleazy, greasy mall Santa body double!

Robert Jordan:
Okay, this is just embarrassing, reading these overrated fools rhyme.

Two losers are about to get flattened by The Wheel of Time!

Martin, it’s Eyrie how similar your story is to the Wars of the Roses.

I’m glad I don’t have a show, seeing what an utter mess yours is!

As for you, don’t go Tolkien these childish Riddles in the Dark.

Only way your verse could be worse would be with a Tom Bombadil part!

Unlike you two, I can write both adventure and politics without making either boring!

This warrior sent straight from ‘Nam isn’t the motherfucker you want to war with!

C.S. Lewis:
(appears beside Tolkien as opposed to by himself)

Here's one Irishman known to come out on top in rapping like Boxen.

You have a Great Divorce from skill, your works are literary toxins.

Run back to Conan, Jordan, or perhaps bring out Mister Sanderson.

Because this duo is something no hypocrite could ever handle, son.

Martin’s works? Mere Profanity, and Jordan? We are far out of his class.

Victory as easy as walking into a field and finding a blade of grass.

This Lion more than enough to put you in the Wardrobe, retched Witch!

I hoped quality novels would last, but it seems to be a Discarded Image.

David Eddings:
So these four Pawns of Prophecy have gathered before The Shining One.

We’ve got the fatty, the prune, the talentless hack and the whining one.

George, Winds of Winter should be renamed Duke Nukem Forever: Half Life 3

J.R. R. Aren’t you sick of getting splinters from hugging all those threes?

Robert, the best word to describe you is rhyming slang for your second novel.

And are you still in the Closet with Tolkien, Lewis? You brown-nosing old fossil.

I’m a Ruby Knight sat on my Diamond throne. This rap battle is no contest.

This was barely a test. You just didn’t impress the best Guardian of the West.

Terry Godkind:
The time for bragging is over. Now is the time for action!

David, you’re showing Tolkien’s works less respect than Peter Jackson!

He practically invented the genre that made us famous!

This is High Fantasy so screw your flights of fancy, you Ignoramus!

It should be a Wizard’s First Rule to give props to the forefather.

You should bow down and cast aside the pride you harbour!

Hell, your wife writes half your books for you, so Leigh off!

Go back to working in your grocery store. You’re not the best. That’s way off.

Terry Brooks:
God ain’t Kind to the one who faces the creator of Shannara, so just bow.

Not even Tolkien’s Deus Ex Eagles can save your ass now!

I was the first ever Fantasy author to top the bestseller lists with my books.

There’s only one Terry in Fantasy people care about and his surname is Brooks!

It’s all Landover for you, bitch. You put my ideas AND name to shame!

Stop sucking Tolkien’s pipe. The High Fantasy rap Throne ain’t no Game!

You’re idolizing the wrong guy! Sure, Tolkien’s got all the fame,

But you’d know who the real forefather was, if you only had a brain!

L. Frank Baum:
Call this mic a Master Key because I’m electric on it!

I’m ahead of my time, in rhyme you’ll come up short as a Hobbit.

You dicks should click your heels thrice and leave Oz quick, you queer visitors.

Cause I bring a Storm of Truths, bitch, wicked the way I spit hit lore.

My cowardly lion could make Lewis’ Aslan look toothless.

Trying to get yourself burned, the scarecrow would call you a doofus.

There’s less heart in Martin than in a man of tin, he’s ruthless.

Jordan’s useless, even with help his main story ended fruitless.

Phillip Pullman:
Oh! So Judy Garland’s career driver wants to kick off?

Helped by a cheat who’s first book was a blatant Tolkien ripoff?

Even Sally Lockhart can’t suss out the stupid shit you holler,

So watch me subtly knife two flying monkeys in glorious technicolor!

People know my name. I’m beloved and read all over the world!

My Compass points North. Don’t need a Spyglass to see the lack of girls.

This royale is a sausage fest, so rather than kick Brooks in the Elfstones,

I’ll let Ms. Ogden hang you two like munchkins. Don’t know about you but I’m [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magic_Kingdom_for_Sale_%E2%80%94_SOLD! SOLD!]

Robin Hobb:
Damn right, Phil! I’m about to kick Lyman out of his drug trip.

Baum and Brooks in bed like Brokeback? Now that’s a Mad Ship!

L. Frank made all his books about Oz with the exact same theme!

I could be the only person who’s read the sequels. I sure wish that was all just a dream!

And Terry Brooks, I can’t help but be impressed by the number of books you’re penned,

But how many end with the token girl turning into a macguffin and dying again?

So we have two one-trick ponies trying to hamper this Assassin’s Quest.

It was a Fool’s Errand. I can’t look at your verses as anything except words in jest.

Raymond E. Feist:
Feisty, are we? It is truly epic to see so many legendary authors collide!

Although it pains me not to remove these Silverthorns from my side.

About to shut down a Y.A author who writes for kids.

And a woman with more pen names than she has relatives.

I’ll tear Mr. P.G. and his girlfriend apart and start a Riftwar.

Being as brutal as an honest review of the ‘His Dark Materials’ lore.

I’ll pull down Pullman and end Lindholm like it’s my solemn duty.

But at least your books aren’t nearly as bad as The Golden Compass movie.

Neil Gaiman:
I Dreamt of some competition, but it seems my disappointment is Endless

Bet I'll hear gay man this edition, no Pendragon could prevent this tempest

Robbing Hobb of a verbal award this time, an American God, but you're bores

In this Graveyard Book at my Core-Aligned to bring out Moore and more

Win battles like a lawsuit - twice! You're Awful Creatures, that's so true

I'm a Marvel man, but you guys? Half your works belong in Sixteen-oh-two.

You four started this but went Neverwhere, so know I won't bury the hatchet

Your Death and Destruction what I now bear, I'm in no Delirium, ask Pratchett!

Stephen R. Donaldson
For a man in no Delirium, you rant like you’re high with fever.

I penned The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant. About to diss an Unbeliever.

I’ll crush your chances into Stardust. You shouldn’t have tried to play with the big boys.

You think you’re the star, but I’m about to destroy a decoy!

You write for little children, and You’re challenging the fantasy greats! That’s just Comic.

This is about High Fantasy purity! Screw awards, fame or economics!

You’re a disgrace. You shouldn’t even be on the same list as Tolkien or Martin.

Just go back to writing Doctor Who before my mood further darkens.

Garth Nix
STOP! You’re just charging off Into Battle forgetting the reason why we write!

All of you! There is literally no reason on this earth to argue or fight!

We write for the fans!. We aim to please the people who read our stories!

This is supposed to be fun! The looks on faces at book signings; isn’t that then true glory?

We don’t write Monday through Sunday just to prove we’re better than each other.

We’re all doing the same thing when you think about it. We should be acting like brothers.

So, I propose a truce between all High fantasy authors out there, past and present.

We write together, as friends, and help to make Fantasy live on forever!

Poll
WHO WON? George R.R. Martin J.R.R. Tolkien Robert Jordan C.S. Lewis David Eddings Terry Godkind Terry Brooks L. Frank Baum Phillip Pullman Robin Hobb Raymond E. Feist Neil Gaiman Stephen R. Donaldson Garth Nix