User blog:HOW DARE YOU/Piper Chapman vs Andy Dufresne

Riiiight....never done this before...but I got bored one night and wrote this after I saw the suggestion somewhere so....aw, to hell with it, might as well see if people like it.

It's essentially a battle of the prisoners: Piper Chapman from Orange is the New Black vs Andy Dufresne from The Shawshank Redemption. They're both tragic figures in their own rights (and both have a smuggler best friend by the name of Red...go figure) and here we decide who the better inmate is!...in rap form...Hope you like it, and please tell me what you think about it! Positive, Negative, whatever. Judging by whether or not people like it, I may make it a thing or not. Like I said, I just wrote it one night and---Anyways thanks in advance!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORYYYYYYY

PIPER CHAPMAN

VS

ANDY DUFRESNE

BEGIN!

PIPER:  Chapman here, from the ladies version of Alcatraz,

             Up against this tall glass of water with a stick up his ass.

 Let’s talk about Andy, with his pick-axe in the “good book”,

 And how he went in an honest man and came out a dirty crook.

 You wanted to kill your wife for cheating and that’s understandable,

             But how’d you get beaten to the punch by the Sesame Street animal?

 They say your movie’s the best, honestly I don’t believe ‘em.

             What’s so great about a man being broken by the system?

 I bring audiences laughter and joy, so just bring it!

             I can handle anything you can throw at me—TRUST ME, I’ve seen it.

 I’ll beat you down just like I did Pensatucky!

             And if you come back like her, you’d be considered lucky!



 ANDY: I’m sorry little girl, but no one can save you here.

 You’re in Shawshank now! So go ahead, burst into tears.

 How many times have you cried on your show over pointless shit?

             Let’s see…over love problems, and that’s about it.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> I’m a true tragic story--framed for a crime I didn’t even do!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             I’ve been through a hell of a lot worse than being locked in the shu!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> Piper, I don’t think you don’t know with whom exactly you’ve been messin’.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             I’ve got Brooks and Haywood in my corner and Morgan freakin’ Freeman!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> I’ve made millions while sittin’ in prison,

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             While you, on the other hand, just flat-out lost your husband.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> I went through miles of shit and came out clean on the other side.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             But by the time you get out, you’ll look just like a pig stye!

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<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> PIPER: You think I’m scared of the daddy of those kids from Zathura?

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             Just ‘cause you went to jail once doesn’t really make you Oprah!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> So stop your preaching and try acting like an actual human being.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             Maybe if you do then you’ll look less like this horror show I’m seeing!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> Complaining that you’re so much better when I’m twice the tragic figure than you!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             I know this simply because my story’s events were actually true!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> I’m stain’ you down to your soul with my Crazy Eyes,

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             And I can tell that you won’t be able to stop my stride!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> You can try your best, but you won’t top me now!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             But I’ll be fair and at least just hear you out.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> So come on, the sun is out and the day is new;

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             And everybody is waiting, waiting on you!

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<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> ANDY: Orange may be the new Black, but blue is Oscar gold!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             Taking every award possible since my movie was sold.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> By the way, you forgot one thing about your show that I should really harp on.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             Namely that OITNB is a very LOOSE adaptation.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> You were brought about by Weeds, while I was made by the King!

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             It’s because of me that prisoner stories are even a thing.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> And smuggler named Red? Now that sounds oddly familiar, but from where?

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             Face it Chapman, without me you’d be approximately nowhere.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> I’m going to put this in words you’ll comprehend, or at least I can try:

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             You’re nothing more than just a little chicken who thinks she can fly.

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> Now fear can hold you prisoner and hope may set you free,

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">             But you were in a hopeless situation when you fought against me!

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<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> WHO WON?

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> WHO'S NEXT?

<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> I DON'T KNOW, IT'LL HONESTLY DEPEND ON WHETHER OR NOT I GET ANY SUGGESTIONS FROM THIS OR IF IT IS WELL RECIEVED!

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<p class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle"> ...yeah, that's how it goes...