User blog:Bobdave/Bob and Loyg's Too Swaggy To Handle Rap Battles of Too Swaggy To Handlery Eurovision Song Contest Special. Australia vs The UK

Jude: Welcome, everyone, to the Eurovision Rap contest featuring Australia as our special guest!

A French Guy: Bienvenue à tous, au concours Eurovision Rap avec l'Australie en tant que notre invité spécial!

Barry: Haggis Haggis Haggis Haggis Sheep Whiskey Haggis William Wallace Independence Alex Salmond Nicola Sturgeon Fuckity-haggis

Announcer
UHFPUEGAOUFVEUOGVFOV AOGVGDVAUFGVA

AUSTRALIA

VS

THE UK

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

*pants*

EEEEEEEGINNNNUGH

Australia:
Alright mate, I'm quite late, timezones are shite, wait

I'm not in Europe, why am I here, I'm in a right state

UK:
United! (Man: Kingdom!)

United! (Woman: Kingdom!)

UNITED! (Baby: Kingdom!)

UNITED! (Dog: KINGDOM!)

Look here, Aussie cunt, we're gonna win this song contest

Cause we rap with all the colours of the wind: Pocahontas

Australia:
Well I drink Foster's from the keg

Your queen's such a German feg!

Germany:
Danke! I spank ye!

My favourite Pokémon is Ma Ma Mamamama Mankey!

But I'm not done yet!

Australia:
Oh

Germany:
I make elderly men wet!

Now it's your turn!

Even though you can't spit a burn!

Ja!

Australia:
Well, while I can't deny it, you do indeed do that

You rap? Haha, no, your chancellor's too fat!

France:
Oui oui! Your country smells of wee wee!

We've got the Eiffel Tower

And the Arc de Triomphe

And mimes, I guess

Are you gonna win?

Yes!

...wait

Australia:
Well my babes are hot, your babes are guys!

Now stare into my eyes....

LOL YOU BLINKED I WIN

Italy:
Make way for Italy! You're all shitaly!

The best European country? An easy choice

It's us! Cause we've got a sexy voice!

Spain:
Spain! Spain brings the pain!

An anagram of Spain is pains!

How appropriate!

Because we're bring the pain on you dopes!

What the fuck is rhyming?

Australia:
Oi mate, you gonna have two go's in a row? Not on!

When I bring out my shrimp, your girls' virginities, gone!

Portugal:
You talk about the virginity of my babes? No!

You only get your shrimp on the Barbie, and she's a plastic hoe!

I'll Port u' gal onto my dick! It's a big stick!

Mike Betette:
I licked a brick!

Ick!

Australia:
I'll get onto you later Mike, go prepare the bondage gear

And Portugal? You are Spain! But you're queer!

Ireland:
Potato famine?

Nah! You're a gay tho? Slammin'!

Andorra:
I'm sandwiched between Spain and Portugal: Both of my holes they're rammin'!

Australia:
Andorra? A whore, bruh! Ireland? Dire-land!

I spit fire and shit, cuz it's hot here... or something like that

Netherlands
Against the Netherlands, you'll never land a hit!

Switzerland:
Step into Bern. it burns! Lick my Swit!

Luxembourg:
Things to say about Luxembourg? Not many...

But our Grand Duke is very swell guy, his name's Henri!

Australia:
You countries, pfft, my dick, please eat!

I sure hope no one invited the Swedes

Okay cool, just checked the guestlist, nope!

Come over here Mike and give old Ozzie a grope

Sweden:
That's invitation enough for us!

Norway:
Norway Norway Norway Norway!

Denmark:
Eurovision? That shit is what I eat for breakfast!

Belgium:
Belgium Belgium Belgium-

Norway:
Norway!

Australia:
I am AUSTRALIA

You are all FAILURE

A letter I will MAIL TO YA

It's got a picture inside

OF MY MASSIVE FUCKING COCKDICK

Austria:
We sort of sound like Australia

But we're better than you, Australia!

Australia:
You're me without the Al

What's a party without Al?!

Al:
Alright mate?

Australia:
You ledge, Al *fist bump*

Greece:
Al! You traitor! We're through! You're paying lease!

As punishment for your betrayal, I'll make you lick my nut Greece!

Vatican:
Things get scary when you mess with the Vatican

The Pope will personally chase you and stuff you in his attic then

He'll release you so he can do that again

The Vatican City is the best, y'all are shitty!

Australia:
Well, you're bullying me! And a question, dear:

At least I'm Commonwealth but... why the fuck is Israel here?

Israel:
I can see where this is going...

Georgia:
You suck poo, drink water from a loo

And as well as that, you're full of Jews!

Iceland:
Whoah, man! That was too far!

I'm not close to any other land, I'm too far!

Serbia:
He is right though, there are several Jews there

And they all have like, you know, Jew hair

Hungary:
Did somebody say "though"?

Croatia:
Yeah, Serbia did, bro!

Cyprus:
Look over there!

Malta:
It's Australia!

Hungary, Croatia, Cyprus, and Malta:
No!

Australia:
I thought we were talking about the Jews here

Ain't that right, Germany, hehe?

I'll go now

Liechtenstein:
You thought Luxembourg had nothing to go off of? Darn

Then you're in for a surprise when I shit out a ball of yarn!

''*suddenly, out from the ground comes...... the almighty... United motherfucking states and umm... Canada... yeah.''

US:
Your shitty Euro-popfuck is shitty, god damn

We have Katy Perry and autotune and God, damn!

'Canada:
I don't want to insult people, it'd ruin my rep

But I guess if I have to, I make better syrup!

US:
He's right, they do indeed, trust

And that's the only reason we let you stay next to us

Russia:
Yo, fuckers! It's Russia! The plump Mother!

So huge that 2 continents I cover!

US:
Russia? You fucker! If we're talking cover

That's exactly what I did to your mother!

Bosnia and Herzegovina:
Bosnia and Herzegovina?

More like

Bossnia and Herpes Governor!

The US covered Russia's mother?

He can have her!

US:
To be honest, we have Obama so fuck you

Announcer
WHO WON

NOT THE UK, THAT'S FOR SURE

NIL POINT

EA(F{ERUAHAEHPPIFBGOAEVB FUOAEVUDFOEVUOAV EUROVISION

Which European or in fact not a fucking European won? Cuz apparently the "Euro" in "EUROvision" doesn't fucking matter anymore JESUS CHRIST Australia The entirety of Europe Israel The United States and Canada Conchita Wurst The complete lack of Finland for some reason