User blog comment:Croutonic Relationship/Decent Rap Battles of Mediocrity: Scatman John vs. Eminem/@comment-4490782-20160523121654

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Scatman John:
Hey Slim, just fill us in on what you're into

(Good beginning of a joke, but I question its worthiness as a verse/battle opener) 

''' ' Cause you drop so many hints its like, "One dick? Nah, I can fit two." '''

(Nice little bisyllabic rhyme at the end. Good mid-line flow. Fair punchline) 

But still, I'll just admit, I'm quite afraid of what you might do

(Not sure if intentional, but "admit" as a continuation flow of "fit" is cool) 

Because fair-haired aryan fairies like you just like to fight jews

(Assuming "fairies" is building off the sexuality joke in the beginning, another decent punchline. Good diss about Eminem's appearance. The use of "fight" instead of a more one-way word like "attack" makes the end sound a tad strange and it feels like the word's there more for the rhyme. Good bisyllables with might do/like you/fight Jews though. Other mid-line flow stuff is also nice) 

You're blue-eyes white draggin' like it's Yu-Gi-Oh

(Gotta say, this feels like it's labouring the Aryan joke a little and the Yu-Gi-Oh! reference doesn't feel that relevant but not a terrible line) 

I'll make you drop out like high school, Marshall Rubio

(Not 100% sure what the Rubio bit's referencing but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it's a solid reference. Nice jab at Em's personal life. Yu-Gi-Oh and Rubio is nice rhyme. Glad you weren't tempted to just rhyme "-Oh")

'''You think you're hot shit? You're not shit, you just don't Mather'''

(Sounds a little filler-y in the beginning but decent pun at the end. "Hot shit" and "not shit" sounds a little obvious as a joke) 

'''After your songs about your daughter, how the fuck do you still have her? '''

(From what I've listened to, Eminem's songs about Hailey (and Laney) tend to be some of his most heartfelt and poetic stuff so not sure this reference works. The point about being able to raise a child could work if the beginning was changed, though) 

'''Your wife left you? No shit, you misogynistic prick'''

(Quite harsh and direct, sounds quite good. Nice call-out on John's part) 

Shady just can't win a lady with his tiny baby dick

(Not sure if the tiny baby dick's referencing something or just being a small dick joke. If it is a small dick joke, then the line seems like it's basically filler done for rhyming purposes. "Dick" and "prick" are kinda stock/obvious as far as rhymes go) 

Rhymes never rest, like Everest, just take a look I'm at the top

(After a very brief Google, I couldn't find something linking Everest with John so this line comes across as more filler-for-the-purpose-of-rhyme) 

'''I'll take a scat right on your chest like Ski Ba Bop Ba Dop Bop! '''

(Not sure why the chest was the chosen recipient of John's metaphorical shit, but the scat reference is lol and good use of John's motif scatting) 

Eminem:
'''W-w-w-what was that? What the fuck, they cured cancer just to bring you back? '''

(The opening is a reference to John's stutter I'm assuming and that's pretty decent. Referencing the presence of a dead rapper by claiming they've been resurrected seems a bit strange and unnecessary) 

Newslash, this fucker stutters and just says its rap

(I don't think Scatman John ever referred to what he did as "rap" but the point's there and it's a good one) 

Now, watch me kick him in the dick and call that hackey scat

(This line's kinda funny if a little forced, not much else to say) 

You don't wanna fuck with me, I'm indestructable

(Don't think "indestructible is referencing anything. Line seems filler due to this) 

The antithesis lyricist, make money, you're raps deductible 

(Not too sure what you mean by "antithesis lyricist". Is this calling John the opposite of a lyricist or is Em calling himself an antithesis lyricist. If the latter, I'm kinda confused as to the meaning of that. The rest of the line also doesn't make a lot of sense to me. If you explain it, I might find it good) 

This shit ain't Scatman's World, but Larkin's lurking in the park

(Is this a paedophile/pervert joke? I can't really tell. Larkin/lurking is decent but a bit forced if the reference doesn't hold up. Scatman's World reference does it's job) 

'''And why's a Jew dress like that dude from Raiders of the Lost Ark? '''

(I think this is about Nazis but I haven't watched Indiana Jones so not 100% sure. But if it is a Nazi joke then cool, it works. Two Jewish references is a little iffy) 

John, I've got you stranded, you're Eight Miles out to sea

(Pun's a little forced, unless you're referencing how his ashes were scattered (heh, SCATtered) in the sea) 

Too bad your lungs are so fucked up you didn't notice you can't breathe

(Damn, I like this line. Harsh and fairly good punchline. Thumbs up) 

I'm a legend, your discography's shit, ain't worth scat

(Fair comparison line. Not a fan of two scat jokes in one battle) 

You'll never touch me, but then again, I guess I'm too old for that

(Was Scatman John ever linked to being a paedophile? If so, then this is a funny line and a good diss. If not then it's like 6/10) 

Scatman John:
'''"Oh, boo hoo, when I was young I wasn't rich!" '''

(Nice reference and diss. Not much to say otherwise) 

Man, "Eminem" is right, you're just a candy-coated bitch

(Nice, quite harsh. Good line) 

I Love the Way You Lie, battered and beaten on the ground

(Fairly decent pun. Could maybe fit a second song reference into the latter part of the line. Maybe Till I Collapse?) 

Must be hard to win your battles when there's no women around

(Not sure of the reference here, but I think it's referring to his various songs about killing/maiming Kim/his mother. If so, then ye, decent line. Feels a little flat as a verse ender) 

Eminem:
'''I've got 15 fucking Grammies, what do you have, a paperweight? '''

(Fair enough. I think the latter part could have some revision but ye) 

'''I'm just hanging in my mansion, you're more fucked than Sharon Tate! '''

(Googled Sharon Tate. A young lady who was murdered at 26? I don't think there's a reference here. And lines with two points tend to be comparative, with similarities between the brag and the insult, whereas here the points seem separate) 

'''Welcome to the Eminem Show, our first guest, a stuttering corpse! '''

(Yeah, sure, why not) 

'''Who'd be more understandable if he recorded his songs in Morse! '''

(This punchline falls a bit flat, but I can see the joke) 

Scatman John:
'''What's with all the hate, you pasty fish-eyed fuck? '''

(First half is eh, second half is decent if unnecessarily profane) 

'''Can't you understand it's just one world, with one love? '''

(If John was a known preacher of this philosophy, then the reference is good. If he wasn't, then this line's meh) 

Man, chill the fuck out, no one cares about what your name is

(Not much to say, decent line. The profanity still feels unnecessary though) 

'''Without Dr. Dre you'd have never been famous! '''

(Great finisher in theory but the execution is rather vanilla. Working wordplay or a more clever wording would make this a lovely conclusion) 

Eminem:
'''I'm a living legend, hear the "living"? That's important! '''

(Not sure insulting someone based on whether they're dead or not seems a bit redundant, especially since you implied he was resurrected earlier on) 

'''You're a 40-plus turtle-looking fucker, I'm getting bored, man! '''

(I will agree that John looks a little turtle-esque but the end feels shoved in for the rhyme rather than to complete the line) 

One rapper, one hippy, one Evil, one good

(Good lead-up to a punchline but calling John "good" doesn't sound like much of an insult) 

'''Two throats, hole in one, like its Tiger Woods! ' (Gotta say, this isn't a preferable finisher. I get that it's a reference to John's lung cancer but I'd consider the fact that a cancer joke was made earlier. The Tiger Woods reference feels like it's there for the pun/rhyme without holding much relevance to the battle. Similarly, "two throats" sounds a bit weird and clunky and only there to lead into the "hole in one" which leads into "Tiger Woods". Not a brilliant finisher but hey, it works to some extent) ''

Now, as far as the matchup goes, I think it's fast talkers? Fair enough, but I wouldn't label Eminem as the token fast rapper just because he goes fast in one or two recent songs. That title would go more quickly to Busta Rhymes or to Tech N9ne. Nevertheless, it works well enough for a rap battle.

I see that you made Eminem swear a whole lot, which is good, but Eminem's swearing is used with a little more gravity. I'd moderate it a little more and make sure when a swear word's being used it has a purpose and effect on the lyrics. Scatman John also swore more than I'd have expected, which made him a little out of character. The occasional/one-off "fuck" to throw the reader off would work but I felt he was a little aggressive.

Your flow is good. No rhyming sins I could spot. I mentioned it a few times, but throwing in words that don't make much sense or make for a weak finish just for the purpose of rhyme is not a habit you want to get into. It's much better to have a simple rhyme and a strong line than a confusing line with dope-ass flow. But overall, mid-line flow, multi-syllabics, etc. pretty strong, keep it up.

Yeah, this was my first line-by-line review I've ever done so if I repeated words like "decent" and "fair" then oops but ye. I'd say this is a pretty hot battle overall, hindered only by a few consistent problems which shouldn't be too hard to iron out. Well done :) }}