User blog:Wachowman/Wiki Tales: Borderlands ep2 (Why Even Bother)

Last Time on Wiki Tales
Wonder: is that gunna be our life from now on?

Patts: listen, you guys have been doing this job for a few weeks, once you start you never stop, and you've got a difficult first mission.

Joe: couldn't we have just gotten something easier?

Patts: not for 4 billion dollars.

Legion: Patts played a large role in this places existence, and by that I mean he once didn't kill me even though I tried robbing him, we've been friends ever since.

Joe: touching.

Legion: well don't just stand there, come in, come in.

Man 1: they are, here's the problem, Skags only like meat, human meat, and I can't just bring them a dead human, the human has to be alive.

(The Man snaps his fingers)

Lloyd: *growls*

Peter: *growls*

(Peter and Lloyd start to maul Andrew)

Legion: he was at the front gates, the guards didn't allow him to enter, they were both eaten alive by his Skags, all their weapons stolen.

Wonder: we've gotta hurry, that's our money walking away.

(Wonder, Joe and Steeler run out the office as the screen goes black)

This Time
(The screen is black as footsteps are heard)

(Wonder, Steeler and Joe's voices can be heard)

Wonder: hurry the fuck up Joe.

Joe: where the fuck is the exit.

Steeler: how'd we get lost?

Wonder: cause I can't tell the difference between this city and The Dump.

Steeler: that barely answers my question.

Wonder: the place is a mess!

Joe: guys! The exit!

Wonder: fucking finally.

(The screen shows the group running out the gates)

Wonder: let's hurry up!

Steeler: we're gunna get killed so badly.

Joe: he said Wachow went straight, let's go!

(The group starts running through the Desert away from Legionston)

(A few minutes pass)

Wonder: *huff huff* we have to catch him.

Joe: what do you think we're doing?

Steeler: *checks his pocket and looks back* shit dude! I think I left my Game Boy in the hotel!

Joe: don't expect to get that back.

Steeler: god dammit, I'm so calling the kill shot on Wachow, I was just about to beat Fawful.

Joe: or...or...anyone can get the kill shot.

Wonder: or you can both fucking focus.

Joe: I am focusing, I'm making sure we don't have to wait for Bad-Aim-Steeler to shoot Wachow before he kills us by blinking.

Steeler: Bad-Aim-Steeler? I show you fucking Bad-Ai-

(Wonder, Joe and Steeler are all knocked down by a shockwave)

Steeler: ahg!

Wonder: shit!

Joe: what the fuck was that?!

(Screen shows the same Man from the bar standing 20 feet away from them)

Wachow: were you looking for me?

Wonder: Wachow!

(Another shockwave comes from Wachow knocking the users back again)

Wonder: gah!

Steeler: what is this power?!

Wachow: power that if you did the slightest bit of research on me, you'd know I'd have.

Joe: grr. *aims his gun and starts firing*

(The bullets all curve away from Wachow)

Wachow: tsk, tsk.

(Another shockwave comes from Wachow knocking Joe and the others back)

Wachow: did you actually think that'd work?

Joe: what are you?

Steeler: guys,we have to get out of here.

Wachow: you can't leave, we aren't done talking

Steeler: we're so dead.

Wachow: well, normally I'd kill you but since you've humored me more than annoyed me, nor are you a threat to me and that guy is a Mario and Luigi fan, which I love by the way I've played them all, I won't kill you, but-

(Wachow vanishes as his voice can still be heard)

Wachow: that doesn't mean I'll let you go without a little fun...

(Screen shows 20 Skags surround the users)

Wachow: please feel free to play with the homeless pups, they need a new owner...or at least lunch, farewell, may we never cross paths again.

Wonder: wha-

Wachow: now the conversation ends.

(The atmosphere changes as the Skags get closer to the users)

Wonder: shit! *aims his gun*

Steeler: just shoot them!

(Steeler shoots a Skag in the head only to be bit in the leg by another)

Steeler: ah!

Joe: Steeler!

(Joe aims his gun at Steelers leg)

Joe: I got i-gah!

(Joe is forced to the ground by 2 Skags who start to bite at him)

Joe: ahh! Shit! Wonder!

(Wonder shoots 2 Skags that jump at him)

Wonder: busy saving my own life!

(Steeler shoots the Skag off his leg)

Steeler: god that hurts!

Joe: er-errg.

(Joe tries to hold both the Skags back)

Joe: gaaaaah! *closes his eyes*

''(One of the Skags is about to bite Joes neck until)'"'

Man 1: Fire!

(All the Remaining Skags are shot at the same time from a distance)

Joe: *opens his eyes* w-what?

Wonder: who the-

(Screen shows a man with a 30 barrel shotgun)

Ynkr: man! Good shooting Ynkr. *shakes head* Thanks Ynkr I take pride in my abilities!

'''YNKR! GOOD LUCK COMMUNICATING!'''

Steeler:...is he talking to himself?

(The man walks up to the group after putting away his gun)

Ynkr: howdy there, my names Ynkr, and this is my buddy Ynkr. *shakes head* What's up, I'm Ynkr

Joe: uh...hi?

Ynkr: couldn't help but realize, well, actually Ynkr was the one who realized it, but we realized ya'll needed some help, so we waited until the dangerous fella went away before we rushed over and got rid of them Skags for you.

Wonder: well, thank you for helping us.

Ynkr: so, I'm guessing you're Bounty Hunters? *shakes head* or maybe you're journalist? *shakes head* or are you just suicidal?

Steeler: wait, what?

Ynkr: no one approaches Wachow and shoots that piece of shit gun at him without wanting to die, Yknow there's easier ways to off yerself right?

Joe: it's not a...piece of shit...

Wonder: wait, you know about Wachow?

Ynkr: who the fuck doesn't know about Wachow? He's killed more men than I can count. *shakes head* Not me though! I can count to over 50!

Steeler: wait, I thought we were alone on knowing him.

Ynkr: *shakes head* haha! nope! He's killed a friend of at least everyone in Pandora, he's killed 50 of my closest friends, I had to find another 50 close friends, half of them died while I was recruiting them, they might've already been dead when I recruited them.

Joe: so what do we do now?

Wonder: I don't know, go back to Legionston, call Patts, see what's next.

Steeler: fuck Patts, let's find Wachow ourselves for once.

Joe: you realize if he sees us again he kills us.

Steeler: not if we kill him first.

Joe: were you even paying attention to what the crazy guy was saying?

Ynkr: crazy guy? Where? *shakes head* I have a fear of crazy guys Ynkr! *shakes head* don't worry Ynkr, I'll protect you!

Wonder: false alarm Ynkr.

Ynkr: *shakes head* oh! thank god. *shakes head* good to know you're safe buddy.

Wonder: anyways, let's start heading back, Steeler you should probably get your leg checked out.

Steeler: I'll be fine.

Joe: let him bleed.

Steeler: I'll soak the blood into your mouth the next time you sleep.

Ynkr: fellas, wait wait, We have something to ask.

Wonder: what is it?

Ynkr: well, you guys said you lived in Legionston, We so happen to have once lived there *shakes head* but then We got kicked out for touching to many woman outside the strip club.

Steeler: there's a strip club?

Ynkr: *shakes head* we make powerful weapons, maybe not enough to kill Wachow, but they look cooler and aren't pieces of shit like that gun.

Joe: it's not a piece of-I got it for my 18th birthday!

Steeler: dude, you're 25.

Wonder: what're you getting to Ynkr?

Ynkr: if you can get us back into Legionston, like make us both a certified citizen again, I'll give you guys free rein to my weapons cabinet.

Steeler: weapons cabinet eh?

Joe: Wonder?

Steeler: it sounds like a pretty good trade.

Wonder: hmm.

Ynkr: so, will you help us?

Wonder: *puts his hand out* it's a deal, we'll try to get you back into Legionston.

Ynkr: *shakes Wonders hand* wow! Thanks partner! *shakes head* Ynkr, we might get back home! *shakes head* I know buddy, it's exciting!

Steeler: this is starting to get weird.

Wonder: let's just go back to Legionston, get Ynkr back to his home, get some weapons and find Wachow.

Joe: sounds good.

(Before the three start to walk back a vehicle is seen speeding towards them)

Steeler: oh geez.

Joe: is that Patts?

(The vehicle turns as Patts jumps out of the car and in front of the group)

Patts:...

Wonder: hi Patts.

Patts:...where's Wachow?

Steeler: uh...Wacwho?

Patts: *stares at Steeler*

Steeler:...we lost him.

Patts: Un-fucking-believable.

Wonder: what's Un-fucking-believable is we didn't know this guy had the super powers of Son Goku.

Patts: did you not do any research on him at all?

Joe: we weren't told we were supposed to do research!

Patts: did you shoot at him with that shitty gun?

Joe: it's not a shitty gun!

Steeler: Joe there's tape holding in the magazine.

Joe: I can't afford a repair!

Ynkr: it's still a pretty shit gun.

Wonder: shut up guys. Patts, we weren't aware of his powers, he still let us live, how do we kill him.

Patts: can you guys not do one thing correctly.

Wonder: throw us a fucking bone.

Patts: throw yourself a bone, you're the bounty hunters, not me.

Joe: then don't judge us.

Patts: *calls his car back and gets in it* ok, I can see you cant get this job done by yourselves, so by tomorrow you're getting a new member, one that's more knowledgable about Bounty Hunting.

Wonder: you're quickly assuming here.

Patts: this is the first time you've seen Wachow in weeks, ever since you've started, and you couldn't do anything.

Joe: wait wait, a new member?

Steeler: c'mon Patts, that's just splitting the money even more than we have to.

Patts: I still get at least a Billion, 3 billion is split between you 4.

Wonder: woah woah woah.

Joe: how does that work?

Patts: cause I said so. *starts up car*

Steeler: wait.

Patts: what?

Steeler: give us a ride?

Patts:...*drives away*

Steeler:...k.

Wonder: god dammit, whatever, let's go.

Ynkr: remember our deal.

Wonder: yeah yeah.

(Wonder, Joe and Steeler start walking back to Legionston)

(Screen shows Wonder, Joe and Steeler at the Legionston gates)

(2 new guards are seen at the gate)

Guard 1: halt!

Guard 2: thow shall not pass thy gates without permission.

Guard 1: Gizzy, do you know how retarded you sound right now.

Gizzy: you have-ith no permission to make fun of me.

Guard 1: just, shut up!

Joe: hey, let us in, we literally left like 30 minutes ago!

Guard 1: we've heard that one before.

Steeler: get your leader, he's helping us with a Bounty.

Gizzy: we will not disturb Lord Legion, he is-

Legion: wait wait wait!

(Legion appears from behind the guard)

Legion: I saw you guys coming from the cameras, I forgot to tell the Guards about you.

Gizzy: Lord Legion!

Legion: Gizzy, Box, let them in, let them in!

Box: yes sir!

Gizzy: yes m'lord.

(The gates to Legionston open)

Legion: men, please meet me in my office.

(Screen shows Wonder, Joe and Steeler in Legions office)

Legion: I see.

Joe: we need assistance with learning about Wachow.

Wonder: we have no way of finding out.

Legion: yes, yes, I see, well, sadly Legionston doesn't have the technology to find out anything about Wachow, it's very sacred information.

Wonder: I see, guys, I guess we're on our own-

Legion: but, I do know a place where you can find the technology, but it's a little risky.

Steeler: what is it?

Wonder: we'll take anything at this point.

Legion: Scribbleland, they have some of the most advanced technology in all of Pandora, but we aren't allied with them, in fact, they've been sending threats to our community wanted money for new discoveries, Discoveries we want no part of, they've said that if we don't send 3 million dollars they'll start harming our community.

Joe: so what do you want us to do?

Legion: their Leader, Scraw, has basically brainwashed this whole town, especially it's military, if he's dead you should be able to get what we need inside his memory bank.

Steeler: his what?

Legion: a small USB he has in his giant ass computer, it should be all we need to find out whatever you need about Wachow, bring that here and our Tech-Leader, TK, will find whatever you need to know.

Wonder: is that it?

Legion: well, It's a very, very heavily armed base, but seeing you all have shitty lives anyways I'm sure the sacrifice won't be so bad.

Steeler: guys?

Joe: do we have any other choice?

Wonder: no, not really, and since we're getting a new guy tomorrow we'll at least have some help.

Legion: is that a yes?

Wonder: I suppose it is.

Steeler: maybe that Ynkr guy cold help us, he was a pretty good shot.

Legion: Ynkr? I've heard that name before...is that that guy who ran off to never be seen again?

Joe: ran off? He said you guys kicked him out.

Legion: kicked him out? The last time I saw him he was yelling at himself, talking about how he wanted to be alone, then not be alone, then he just ran off.

Steeler:...let's not get Ynkr to help us.

Wonder: he's a good shot and we need the help with this, again, no other choice,

Joe: whatever, whatever, Legion, we'll accept your stupid mission.

Legion: perfect! Please, stay the remainder of the day and rest up, I'll see about getting you transportation tomorrow.

Joe: I thought you said you couldn't afford any vehicles.

Legion: we'll see.

Joe: what does that even mean?

Wonder: thank you Legion, guys let's go.

Steeler: yeah.

Joe:...fine.

(Wonder, Steeler and Joe start to walk out of Legions office)

Legion: good luck with your mission tomorrow.

(The group walks out the door as it closes behind them)

Legion: you really are going to need it.

(The screen goes black)

Next Time on Wiki Tales
(Screen shows a man standing over a sleeping Steeler)

Steeler: *wakes up* w-wha...What the fuck?!

Man 1: hi there!

(Screen shows Steeler and Joe falling from the sky)

Joe: deploy the parachute!

Steeler: what parachute?

Joe: are you fucking kidding me?!

Guard 1: Lord Scraw, intruders have been spotted.

Scraw: ok?

Guard 1: they've killed many of our men.

Scraw: yeah?

Guard 1: they're coming for your office.

Scraw: and?

Guard 1: I heard they called you gay.

Scraw: *stands up* I'm going to kill these mother fuckers!