Moses vs Santa Claus



Moses vs Santa Claus is the twenty-seventh installment of Epic Rap Battles of History and the twelfth episode of Season 2. It features the Jewish prophet, Moses, rapping against the magical figure of Christmas, Santa Claus, and his elves. It was released on December 10th, 2012.

Cast
Nice Peter as Santa Claus

Snoop Dogg as Moses

EpicLLOYD as the elves

Monica Weitzel and Elena Diaz as Moses' Honeys (cameos)

Lyrics
[Note: Santa Claus is in red, Moses is in dark yellow , and the elves are in green .]

Santa Claus:
Sweet robes, Obi, Wan-too-many days in the sun?

Stop preaching, homie. Teach your flock to covet some fun!

I bring joy every year. Man, I represent cheer!

You represent sandals and a scraggly beard!

I'm from the North Pole! That's why my rhymes are so cold!

I spit diamonds, but I'm serving up some fresh coal!

You been a naughty boy. You brought a plague of frogs.

You best arrest yourself, you broke your own law!

Or was there something in rule six I didn't understand?

My list says, "Killed Egyptian dude, buried him in sand."

I read your book. You got a strict religion.

No bacon? But mandatory circumcision?

I'm a jolly bowl a jelly, giving holiday presents.

But all the chosen people ever get for Christmas is jealous!

Moses:
When I was high upon the mountain, God revealed the truths of the Earth.

But he never mentioned a fat-ass Papa Smurf.

It takes nine reindeers to haul your fat ass.

You took the Christ outta Christmas and just added more mass.

You need to stop breakin' into houses and creepin' and peepin'

On naughty kids while they sleepin' and keep your hands off my stocking.

Don't you Ho-Ho me.

I'll split your ass in half like I did the Red Sea.

You ain't a saint, you a slaver, like a pharaoh in the snow.

Stop with the unpaid labor and let my little people go.

Santa Claus and the elves:
We ain't slaves! All that sand turned your brain to mush!

I think you need to stop smoking all that burning bush.

Yeah, we're magical workers, man! We hang with reindeers.

Yo, here's a GPS! Who gets lost for 40 years?

You're a glorified secretary, so write this down!

Begat deez nutz! Santa Claus is coming to town!

Moses:
So much drama in the Israe-L B.C.

It's kinda hard talking directly to the G O single D.

Hand me my chisel, I got a new commandizzle for y'all.

Thou shalt not let children sit on a grown man's lap at the mall.

I'll beat you ten times before the bread can rise, you dummy,

And walk of into the land of my milk and honeys.

Moses:
I crossed deserts and scaled mountains with my staff

How else do you think I got these two golden calves?

This mofo ain't got mojo like Moses

Mo' money is yo' motivation and you know this

I'm the prophet's prophet fo' sho' yo

You're a prostitute for profit so ho ho ho

You're a UPS man who doesn't get paid

Watch out Santa cuz you're about to get sleighed

You hang with elves and deer whose noses glow

When I'm finished with my crew you'll be screaming, let my little people go

I'm a prophet you're a fat saint named Nick

I took my folks and led them out of Egyptian evil

I'm talking Exodus, movement for Jew(ish?) people

I'm a prophet who stayed on a mountain for 40 nights before I came off it

You're a puppet for profit hungry rich motherfuckers stuffing their pockets

Lay off the sweets fat man, you're hella chubby

They should call your hood the land of way too much milk and honey

Stay away from my chimney with your candy canes and peppermints

Where I'm from that's called breaking and entering

I'll sick my snake cane on you

Without me there'd be no you

Santa Claus:
You sleigh me? It took you forty years to make your people happy

Christmas is the promised land so get the fuck out

Have fun with Chanukah

I'll deck your balls

General

 * This is the first battle to involve a religious figure rapping.
 * This is the second battle to include an Egyptian character.
 * This is the third battle to feature holiday-themed figures.
 * Santa Claus' naughty list reads the following:
 * Master Chief - Has Guns, Repeated acts of violence
 * Mister Rogers - Creepy. Rascist? (sic)
 * Moses - Killed Egyptian Dude, Buried him in sand
 * Mozart - Too Loud
 * All of these characters had been in an ERB before apart from Mozart who appeared in a future battle.
 * This is the third battle in which the characters do not dance during the "Who won? Who's next? You decide!" sequence.
 * It is the first battle to not show the rappers on the iTunes cover.

Continuity

 * If you look closely at the stone tablet Moses carries in his second verse, "ERB" is written on the fifth line down.

Production

 * This is the first rap battle to have an A-list rapper portray a character.
 * This is the first battle to not show the two rappers side-by-side.

Errors

 * Although the iTunes cover shows Santa's hand wearing a white glove, he does not wear any gloves during the battle.
 * During the line, "I'm from the North Pole", the lyrics are shown incorrectly as, "I'm from North Pole".
 * The word "racist" is spelled as "rascist" on Santa's naughty list.
 * Moses can be seen with sweatpants and socks during almost every scene with him in it.