User blog:TCalderon/Skeep Tieel's Steven Universe vs Spike - An Unbridled Rage

A barely related anecdote; I was considering writing a rap battle with Spinel, the villain from the Steven Universe Movie (either against Alice Angel or Android 21), but then I realized that I already namedropped both of her songs in that Steven vs Zim battle I did, and now two potential lyrics are scrapped. Whoops.

ANYWAY, Skeep Tieel is a member of the rap battle community known for his fantastic editing skills, and matchups that feature characters who appeal to weeaboos. But did you know that he also used to do pony battles? That was a long ass time ago, well before his channel blew up, but still a fun piece of history as his old series, the fabled "Ponies vs Anything" is what, I believe, started the trend of the "Topic vs History" series of battles that many creators around here (including myself) abide by. It was a... strange time, but an interesting nonetheless. But given that only two of these pony battles ended up getting full videos, and those videos are now deleted from his main channel, I'm pretty sure he doesn't look on at this time frame with the rose-tinted glasses, as it were.

But that won't stop me from making jokes about an old video! This matchup is Spike vs Steven Universe, one of the many battles in Steven's Rap Battle Hitlist. Such opponents include Dipper Pines, Finn the Human, Clarence, Star Butterfly, Mrs. Frizzle and Captain Planet, Penny and Gumball, Clarence again, Star Butterfly again, Finn again with Flapjack and Charlie Brown for some reason, Captain America, Ness, Kirby, sans, *ahem* Invader Zim, Bendy, and Norman Bates. Not even kidding about that last one. Jokes aside, I do quite like this matchup; both are the main boy protagonists of shows that feature a prominently female cast, both are related to gems somehow, and both have shitty fanbases! If it were, I personally would've done a rematch with these two eventually, seeing how they both have developed a lot over the years, but ah well! Let's begin.

The original battle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0c4uOO5Y1so

ANNOUNCER:

EPIC RAP BATTLES: PONIES VS ANYTHING

(Ooph. That awkward time in every fanmade rap battle creator's life where puberty didn't quite hit yet. Ooph.)

SPIKE

VS

STEVEN UNIVERSE

BEGIN!

Spyro:

'''Spike At Your Service! Serving burns against this universe'''

(Wow, that is not a good voice for Spike. I don't mind it too much, you don't always have to be one-to-one with the original voice, but he genuinely sounds like a toddler here. I know he's a baby dragon, but this is ridiculous! Also, we're on our first line, and already there's a namedrop to an episode title. Lovely.)

Who's plot is more confusing than Amethyst speaking in reverse

("Whose", not "who's". And Steven Universe's plot isn't really that confusing, just drawn out and tedious with all the filler episodes. This ain't no Kingdom Hearts we're talking about.)

It'll take more than your cheap fragile stones to get me distracted,

I'm serving raps that would attract better Stevens just like a magnet!

(I like the idea of referencing Steven Magnet in this context, but that's a weird way to put it. What, is Spike trying to seduce ol' SM here? Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I mean...)

Destablize unstable creatures and I'll do more than a mild shock

("I'll do more than just a small amount of damage!". That's basically what you said there.)

Who would believe in this big flabby sad-sack of a laughing stock?

(Just had to get the fat joke out of the way early, huh?)

Gems are not your expertise, bet I know about them more than you!

(Well. He didn't know about them much in the two or seasons that were airing while this battle was written. This is why ya wait for a series to be longer and more fleshed out before doing a rap battle, friends.)

'''I don't dig this crystal, it's artificial! Like the ones your Homeworld grew!'''

(What's artificial? Steven's gem? Like, it's got artificial flavoring? Is that a way of referencing how Spike eats gems? I dunno.)

Verbally cracking a fresh gem and mixing it in with the batter

(Oop, nevermind, there's the eating gems reference. Damn, that's kinda barbaric when you think about it. If these shows had a crossover and Spike unknowingly ate a Crystal Gem, a fellow living being? That would be traumatic.)

Flattery has no effect on me, and like your mirror you'll be shattered!

(...Well, which is it, Spike?! Are you gonna eat him or shatter him? I'm getting mixed messages here! And what does flattery have to do with this?)

This dragon-fire's blazing, your gem power's quite feeble

You're so naive in rap techniques you'd need a guide on dissing people!

(*snickers* Alright, that was funny.)

Send you down deep in the mines, and there won't be a second jailbreak

(Okay, these little subtitle effects in the video? They might've been cute at first, but now they're getting annoying. It's one thing to have Spike's subtitles in the My Little Pony, and the same thing for Steven's, but when you're actively making it hard to read (like having the word "down" actually go DOWN!), and other such effects, it gets on my nerves.)

My rap attacks enlarge in stacks for every victory I take!

(Yeah, you went on a mindless rampage when that happened, ya dope! But please, turn into a giant monster again so that you can win against Steven! Besides, is the implication here that Spike has been in multiple battles before this one or something? How deep is the lore of Skeep Tieel's Rap Battle Cinematic Universe, exactly?)

Pierce you with fierce rhymes which are sharper than Spikes!

(...*cough*...)

'''Then I'll kick this egghead out of his nest, then I'll apologize... psyche!'''

(Geez Spike, why ya gotta be a jerk though?)

Stevie Wonder:

Didn't expect much from this sneeple, but they just kept dragging on!

(I agree with ya there, Steven. Also, yeesh! I take back what I said about SPIKE sounding like a toddler.)

You're softer than your flabby bronies; I'm dropping straight Steven Bombs!

(Dear Rap Battle Creators who use Steven Universe; please stop referencing the "Steven Bomb"! It's not a thing in the actual show, it's Cartoon Network's weird method of airing the show on TV wherein they air a whole bunch of episodes back-to-back at random, go on hiatus, and then drop another one! And inbetween is just a bunch of Teen Titans GO! reruns! Not even fans of the show like this method to my understanding, so when you reference it in your rap battles, you're just reminding me why I stopped watching TV and went onto pirating these shows on other websites! Same thing for anime! Screw off, Crunchyroll, I'm not paying for your shitty site! Kissanime for life, ya filthy animals!... Geez, I dunno what came over me. Sorry, guys.)

With my political power, I'll be serving you justice!

(...Wha?! What political power? Did Skeep just predict that Steven is actually Pink Diamond?!)

Your Peewee responsibility ain't enough to be trusted!

(Oh yeah. Spike's pet bird. Did that thing ever come back? I dunno, I'm WAY behind on MLP these days.)

Humiliate you with T-shirt cannons, and then buck you with my gunman!

(I... got nothin', that just flat out made no sense.)

I'll munch ya like the breakfast friends and chop odd beings like an onion!

(Freakin' Onion. Never understood the point of that character.)

Crush you more than Rarity, you can't display generosity!

(Ah dude, you didn't have to go there! And why can't he display generosity? Because dragons are inherently greedy assholes in the MLP universe? Because I'm pretty sure it's been well established that Spike is different from most of them. Probably because he's a baby.)

You're an exaggerated fake worse than the play of our town's history!

(I know that's supposed to be a reference to an actual episode, but I can't help but think that Steven just dissed his own show with it's tendencies to focus more on Beach City and it's people more than the Crystal Gems and their backstories. Y'know, the thing that most fans are actually interested in.)

I got this battle chained up, like all your pony friends!

When you failed to protect them from those sickening goblins!

(So, like I said, it's been a long time since I've seen MLP, so I looked up what exactly this was referring to, and apparently there are no goblins in MLP. This show had a weird tendency to chain up or restrain these female ponies in many occasions, but none featured a goblin to my understanding. Maybe it was in an IDW comic.)

You lack more points than when Tambelon vanished

(Whoa, a G1 reference? Alright. Wasn't expecting that.)

My rhymes are sharper than the blade my bae Connie brandishes!

(Uh... no. Please don't call her that, Steven.)

I regulate my chill and cold flow so you can call me Sapphire!

(Okay, can we have at least more than just two words on screen, please?! At this point, I'd accept it more if you instead just had the full lines on screen! Jesus!)

But I still spit eternal flame fusion, like I'm Ruby in dire-

(...dire what?!)

Need of her other!

(Oh, okay. Never do that again, please.)

My show gets the feels rising!

And once your fans hit five, your ratings take a diving!

(More like once the show itself hit five seasons, the ratings took a diving! HEYO!)

(And now, I guess because the instrumental had a break in it and Skeep didn't know how to edit it out, we're treated with some fog in front of a black screen, followed by random clips of the characters. I'm not sure why. Maybe this is the rap battle equivalent of a loading screen. Maybe it's an intermission. It's ONE OF NATURE'S MYSTERIES!... back to the video.)

Spike Spiegel:

'''Attacking with feminine weapons? This sidekick will teach you a lesson!'''

(Just because his shield is pink, that doesn't mean it's inherently feminine. Besides, one of your friends is pink, Spike! Learn to think outside of your comfort zone, ya biggot. Also, I know it's another Episode Title Namedrop, but don't call yourself a sidekick, bro. At least the other guy is the protagonist of his show.)

And I don't mean about your species, so no need to summon your weapons

(You just dissed his weapons! Now he's gonna want to kick your ass even more! Go home, Spike! You're drunk!)

I vision your death in the future, because this cat got curious

(That's a weird-ass way to reference Future Vision. I guess it beats being on the nose about it, but still.)

Firing malicious limericks that'd make Disney villains dilerious!

(Again... I got nothin'. I guess this is a reference to Maleficent? Because she turned into a dragon? Also, the subtitles are shakin'! Don't worry guys, we're almost done!)

I'm the one winning this space race against this Lunar Loner!

(This feels more like a diss toward Luna.)

Who's rhymes failed even worse than his wrestling persona!

(This battle has about 48 lines in total, and it feels like most of them are either filler or referencing the more "Townie" episodes of Steven Universe. This is why ya wait, friends.)

You illustrate ridiculousness like when your dad taught guitar!

You remind me of my second gen form because I forgot who you are!

(Normally I scoff at lines that are more of a "self-diss", but I'll let this slide. Who the hell even remembers G2? That shit didn't even have it's own cartoon!)

Steve Urkel:

Enough of Humdrum's conundrum, 'cause your claims are a bit stretchin'!

(Most of these disses are stretching it a bit, so ya got me there.)

You'll suffocate when I pocket ya, but you're used to travelling dimensions!

(Uh, he's travelled the one Equestria Girls dimension. And even then, the original Spike and Twilight just kinda vanish from that spinoff after the third movie, so it's not like he's "used to it" really.)

You're just a weak bitch, but I'm tough like a diamond dog!

(WHOA! Watch your goddamn language, young man! And what's this nonsense about being tough? You haven't been in that many fights, and most of your conflicts are resolved by talking things anyway! Freakin' pansy.)

I'll rip the limbs off of this clod, just like as if he were a Peridot!

(Ooh, never mind then. Steven sure turned violent in that one line! And needlessly wordy. Never say "Just like as if". That legitimately sounds like a child wrote it. Well, I guess Skeep WAS a child at this time, so...)

You come from jerky heritage, I'm not Lion, it's not a rumor

(Dear Rap Battle Creators who use Steven Universe; stop using "Lion" in the place of "Lying"... it's overdone.)

So escape with your Equestrian Apes, or I'll crush ya like The Purple Puma!

("Equestrian Apes"? Is that a reference to Equestria Girls? Because... they turn human. Not into monkeys. And we already referenced the wrestling episode! Stop it!)

The Secret of Your Excess; Unorganized Rhymes, you'll need a shelving day!

(Again, needlessy wordy.)

You haven't had a worse day than when there was Too Many Birthdays!

(Rhyming "Day"... with "Day"... Yeesh.)

Who Won?!

(I did!)

Who's Next?!

(No one, because this series was cancelled)

'''EPIC RAP BATTLES! *a belch of fire burns the logo* PONIES VS ANYTHING!'''

(I'll just assume that was a fart, and we'll move on.)

So that was Spike vs Steven Universe. Not a bad battle, just kind of an underwhelming one considering how good the matchup is. Again, I would suggest a rematch or a straight up remaster of this that woud keep in mind how both characters have developed over the course of both shows. I'd do it myself, but PSSH! I just used Steven in a battle, and I have him planned to appear again! And the only guy doing another pony themed rap battle series around here already had Spike. And I'm pretty sure Epic Rap Battles of Cartoons would like to steer clear of Ponies and Steven for the time being. And CMRB... well, they're just weird nowadays, so yeah.

Next review will be a doozy! Let's just say we got a mole in the building. ;)