User blog:JaphethMario/AVGN vs Kirito. Japheth's Fictional Rap Battles

I actually have an alternate idea for Kirito, Kirito in a gauntlet battle against other Isekai protagonists. But when I write “ASS-una” I knew that I have to write this battle. Plus I like out of field matchups sometimes. And if I were to do a Nostalgia Critic battle, I’d probably have him against Jay Sherman from The Critic.

In this battle of modern gamer vs retro gamer, black coat vs white coat, shit getting bashed by reviewers vs reviewer bashing on shit, we have, The Blackswordsman, Kirito against Cinemasscare sensation, Angry Video Game Nerd.

Battle
(Note: Kirito is in cyan,  AVGN is in white, Super Mecha Death Christ is in  blue )

Kirito Verse:


I’ve heard all the insults from past critics, there’s no longer any harsher jabs to diss me

It’s like beating a dead horse or hedgehog in this case when you just did 06

Link Start! And I don’t mean that pansy fairy boy who can’t say a line

Cause unlike him I rock the mic harder than Mike or his micro mike

I’ve reached the highest level of Aincard, while you flake out on that Turtles game

‘Cause the only highest level you ever achievedis your alcohol intake

<span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:cyan">And what you got to rival my two swords? Crappy effects and a potty mouth?

<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:cyan">Once in Sword Art Online there’s no such thing as continues when all of your lives are out

AVGN Verse:


I need a Rolling Rock or two after this matchup, comparing you to me is off the page

It’s like off brand beer vs fine wine, cause unlike you, I’m better with age

I’m sick looking at this virtual boy, but I’m used on leaving red on black coats

I’ll be your dog walker after I’ll owned this nostalgia Kirito

Saying your name horrified anime fans, Dracula would rather drink holy water than watch your crap

You’d wish that you were sent back to your past before your franchise sucked ass

What kind of masochist would want to be sedated with the Nervegear that almost got him killed!?

I’d smack reality back to you, but I don’t want to be called a misogynist when I beat this bitch

Calling you Jesus-kun is using Super Mecha Death Christ name in vain <span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:blue">(fuckers!)

When you couldn’t revive Sachi back when all it takes is A-B-B-A

So shut up Shit-rito, come back when you think something witty and abridge your shit lines

And didn’t you hear from Indiana Jones? Don’t bring a sword to a fucking gun fight

Kirito Verse:
<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:cyan">Cussing and dooky jokes, geez really, you’re making me bored, James

<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:cyan">Even those kiddies in Gun Gale Fortnite could step up in their game

<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:cyan">Your stale formula inspired other Game Dudes to go autistic in front of their webcam

<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:cyan">From Chris to Sammy Robbing your style, you never learn that your actions have consequences, man

<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%">

<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%">

AVGN Verse:
Looking back at the future of the genre, all of them took an Ise-diarrhea all over your Aincrap shit

And a little girl came in to fix all of your series’ shortcomings

I mean WHAT WERE YOUTHINKING when you almost do Action 69 to your cous!?

Guess Game Genie was use for cheating, man, when you’re having an affair behind AAASSSS-una

Kirito Verse:
<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:cyan">I’d watch my language if I were you, you don’t want demonetization to give you a call

<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:cyan">Screw your attacks, they’re softer than Yui that even a bunny could easily kick your wrinkly balls

<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:cyan">I’m hip; you’re outdated, looking like an aging Nobuyuki who’s still giving cartages blow

<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:cyan">So tell me Rolfey boy, where did the hair go?

<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:cyan">They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but I never see you use yours to write

<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:cyan">I’ll slice you in half with my Elucidator, like your personality ripping off Jekyll and Hyde

<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:cyan">Always surrounded by shitty video games, I’ve pity your childhood if it that tense

<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:바탕;color:cyan">But it’s not as sad as people only coming to Cinemasscre to watch you holler at Simon's Quest

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<p class="ParaAttribute0" style="line-height:130%">

AVGN Verse:
You got no guts to be the next black swordsman, you’re just Beta badass, and not the good shit

I’ll defend LJN for once; at least they express more color than this wannabe edgy bitch

You’ve replaced Kamen Rider for Japan icon!? That’s fucking bullshit, you’ve crossed the line

So let me bust this waste of space til he’s a ghost, no one has to suffer watching Sword Anal Online!

WHO WON:
Who won? AVGN Kirito

PREVIEWS: (NOT IN PARTICULAR ORDER)
Battle # 1: (Hint: Girls being rejected and deleted)

??? Verse:

Got a day dedicated to me, you're just another flavor of the month indie game

I may have my existence erased, but fads like you will be forgotten down the memory lane

Battle # 2: (Hint: Portable Games)

??? Verse:

Don't cross me, I'm more golden than ???, and fought alongside ???

While you are stuck Five Nights by a freaking Panda Express mascot

Battle # 3: (Hint: Battle Royale between lords)

??? Verse:

You're just a boy, ???, who deploys his army like toy soldiers