Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers



Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers is the fifty-fifth installment of Epic Rap Battles of History and the tenth episode of Season 4. It features Western Philosophers: Nietzsche, Socrates, and Voltaire, rapping against Eastern Philosophers: Sun Tzu, Confucius, and Lao Tzu. It was released on July 6th, 2015.

The Western Philosophers
Nice Peter as Nietzsche

EpicLLOYD as Socrates

Zach Sherwin as Voltaire

The Eastern Philosophers
Timothy DeLaGhetto as Sun Tzu

MC Jin as Confucius

KRNFX as Lao Tzu

Lyrics
[Note: ''Socrates is in  vanilla, Nietzsche is in  dark yellow , Voltaire is in  brown , Sun Tzu is in  red , Confucius is in  gray , and Lao Tzu is in  yellow. If either group is rapping together, it will appear in regular text.'']

The Western Philosophers:
I'm coming off the Acropolis to start some pandemonium.

Don't bring limp raps to a pimp slap symposium!

The mad gadfly, philosophy was my invention!

Rolling with the flyest nihilist,   and me, their French henchman!

We've got the wisdom   and the wit that even I couldn't question!

Dropping Western medicine  on these East infections!

It's evident   you've never been our type of mental brethren!

We're better  thinkers, better  speakers, better  lovers, better men!

The Eastern Philosophers:
This type of arrogance is sure to be expected

From men who speak of wisdom with no clue of what respect is!

You Westerners are sloppy, needing discipline in life.

You lack control of yourselves and of the mic.

While we use precise strikes to disrupt your concentration,

Hand you an ass-whipping our descendants will honor for generations!

We filled a nation   with patience and the presence   for living,

And you'll never hold a candle   to the wisdom we've   written!

The Western Philosophers:
Oh, I'll give you something you can bow and kowtow to

When I squat down and squeeze out a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu!

You need to take control of the life you're given!

They call me Übermensch 'cause I'm so driven!

And I'm a freethinker, so confronting conformists like you? It's my job!

Got a sharp wit like a spit that'll skewer you like a Confu-shish kebab!

(Oh!) You flubbed the mission. I'm beating your submissive ass into submission!

Dishing out more disses than letters and pamphlets and plays I've been publishing!

Now that we've covered the two Yin and Yang twins, I can move on to Jackie Chan!

Sun Tzu, I'll be picking apart your Wu with my method, man!

The seminal general isn't so tough on the mic; all your men must be like, "Yo, what happened?"

You're pitiful lyrically. Lucky for history, you didn't author The Art of Rapping!

The Eastern Philosophers:
Bitch, I wrote The Art of War so you better get your guns out!

These white boys getting burned 'cause guess what? Now, the Sun's out!

Asians spitting sick, but no, this isn't SARS!

Laozi, kick the beat; now Confucius, drop some bars!

Let me be Candide with you, Voltaire,

French drip with the egg noodle hair.

Your ego's just so distracting.

Free speech doesn't mean just keep yapping!

And you killed God so I gotta ask:

Did he die of shame when he made your mustache?

You tried to plant a new German psyche,

But you just grew hate; me no Third Reichy!

And it all starts with you: you're the father, Socrates!

Honestly, I think you owe both of your students here an apology!

The Western Philosophers:
I wouldn't exactly call myself a student of this plebe.

Don't make Nietzsche come over and put a knee up in your chi,

'Cause I'm N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E,

And I'll end any motherfucker like my name in a spelling bee!

Plebe, bitch? I'm toxic like a hemlock sip!

Hang a sandal on the door 'cause you can suck Soc's dick!

Sacré bleu, Socrates! You're making things a little tense!

Come, let's blind these Chinese heinies with some shiny bright enlightenment!

I'll not be taught camaraderie from a frog who rigged the lottery!

You make a mockery of ethics, so keep your fat nose in your coffee!

Let me be frank: don't start beef with the Frank,

Who hangs with B. Franks, giving ladies beef franks!

The Eastern Philosophers:
I have turned them on themselves. Their chaos is our opportunity!

We must remember: a bowl is most useful when it is empty.

(Ugh!) Laozi, I don't mean no disrespect,

But you need to fill your bowl with some shit that makes some sense!

Oh, you don't wanna stand in the path of Lao Tzu today.

I'll make you move, bitch. Get out the way!

Yo, where in the tradition of rap battles is it written

That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some clucking chickens?

Man, Confucius, you always try to put something in its place.

Why don't you tell your eyebrows they need to fit better on your face?

Okay, I see. You wanna make it like that?

I'll smack that warmongering head out of your to-go box hat!

So here's the real golden rule: I'm way above you weak rookies.

Confucius say, you can all hold these fortune cookies!

Voltaire:
Sacré bleu, I'm the one you'll kowtow to,

When I squat down and drop a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu!

Sun Tzu:
In the midst of this chaos lies our opportunity!

General

 * This is the longest battle to date, at 4:20, beating the previous record set by Steven Spielberg vs Alfred Hitchcock by twenty seconds.
 * This battle features a preview of Shaka Zulu in the end slate.
 * This is the sixth battle to reveal characters of an upcoming battle in an end slate, after Rick Grimes vs Walter White, Goku vs Superman, Romeo and Juliet vs Bonnie and Clyde, Lewis and Clark vs Bill and Ted, and David Copperfield vs Harry Houdini.
 * The punchline at the end of the video is emphasized on the "Who Won? Who's Next? You Decide!" part instead of the "Epic Rap Battles of History" outro. This is the fifth battle to do so after Donald Trump vs Ebenezer Scrooge, Rick Grimes vs Walter White, Romeo and Juliet vs Bonnie and Clyde, and Oprah vs Ellen.
 * On this note, this is the first battle to have a different variation of "Who Won? Who's Next?", instead being replaced by "What is Winning? Who is Next?".
 * This is also the first battle not to feature the opponents standing side by side during the end slate, as it switches from the Western Philosophers to the Eastern Philosophers.
 * This is the third battle to have characters talking during the "Who won? Who's next?" sequence, after Batman vs Sherlock Holmes and Ghostbusters vs Mythbusters.
 * This is the first team battle to turn into a royale where each team member evidently raps against one another.
 * This is also the second battle to have three people on a team at any time, after Ghostbusters vs Mythbusters.
 * This battle features the most amount of individual rappers rapping against one another at a total of six, beating out Rasputin vs Stalin and Steven Spielberg vs Alfred Hitchcock at five.
 * This is the first battle where the locations are shown to be separated in three-dimension.
 * This is the third battle where the locations are not separated with a straight line, after John Lennon vs Bill O'Reilly and David Copperfield vs Harry Houdini.
 * This is the first team battle not to feature fictional characters.
 * This is the battle with the most non-fictional rappers, at six, beating out Rasputin vs Stalin and Steven Spielberg vs Alfred Hitchcock by one.
 * This is the first battle where a rapper (Lao Tzu) creates his own beat, which in this case, is through beatboxing.

Continuity

 * This battle stands second for the most title cards, coming up short against Artists vs TMNT by two.
 * This is also the second team battle where each team member was introduced individually, the first being Artists vs TMNT.
 * This is the first battle where Nice Peter and Zach Sherwin are on the same side.

Errors

 * During some points in the battle, MC Jin's tattoo is clearly visible on his neck.
 * At 0:18, Socrates is glitched into the ground.
 * At 2:58, Lao Tzu's arm is seen around Sun Tzu's shoulder, when, in the previous shot, it isn't.