User blog:Hippie Rat/Review/Analysis of Epic Rap Battle Parodies's Jigsaw vs GLaDOS

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READER BEWARE, A NEGATIVE REVIEW IS HERE!

Not familiar with Epic Rap Battle Parodies? Check them out here. Have you seen their Jigsaw vs GLaDOS yet? Here you go.

It's Halloween time. I hope. This might be posted a bit late. I hope not. (Update before posting: It wasn't late). I know I promised a review on Animeme Rap Battles, but that was a bit too scary, even for Halloween. I'll finish that MLP vs Pokémon review soon.

Anyway, here's a challenge. Negatively review a battle that near-universally impressed everyone. I guess I'll answer the big question now: Did I hate this battle? Fuck no. I just have some gripes. So I guess I'll jump right into it.

The looks of the battle
Fucking beautiful. There was a lot of great cinematography. Only thing I'd change is a few random takes (like Jigsaw about to push the button in one shot then in the next his arm is back at his side) and a slightly higher budget for better costumes, along with maybe some creative licensing in creating a cool situation in which some Jigsaw victims can be seen struggling to get out of traps in the background or some pigmask accomplices dancing in the background, but I understand the limitations of the series and enjoy very much what was done.

The acting
Like just come the fuck on, Froggy. Save for a few takes like I mentioned he translated the character of Jigsaw very well, at least in terms of mannerisms. As for his personality I'll get into on the lyrics, as they were more out of Froggy's control. The animation done for GLaDOS and Billy were very well-done, so kudos to Zander for that, yet, again just a gripe at the budget limitation, it would've been more fun if Billy was a prop instead of animation. As for the voice of GLaDOS, kudos to Zander's mother for not only playing along, but actually impersonating the vocal inflections of GLaDOS with amazing results. Very good job to all three of them for giving this battle its charm that impressed everyone.

The lyrics
MaNCHA. For those who don't know, MaNCHA was given the credit for chiseling and "fixing" the lyrics. He has a distinct style that appears good, but actually does nothing. Good guy; cool dude; but the man's raps are fluffy. The entirety of MaNCHA's work is a bunch of puns thrown in to general "I'm good at rapping" and "I'm going to defeat you" lines. There's no substance, just references. Take Mat4yo's metaphor with the pound cake and the beautiful frosting-covered cake. In this case, MaNCHA's work is just a tub of frosting. It may taste sweet, but it'll leave you sick and unsatisfied. When you're told to use references to expand on your substance, don't stop listening at the word "references." Add that to some indescribably garbage lines that he didn't get around to chiseling and you got a lyrical disaster that can't be saved with the two lines that Mat4yo threw in or whatever.

I think one of MaNCHA's biggest flaws is the convoluted way he connects ideas while writing. Say he wants to make a reference to Mario's mustache. So he writes this line: "I'll bludgeon you and give you six new bumps on your head." Does that make sense as a mustache reference? No. I have to explain it. Mario's peculiarly-shaped mustache has six troughs along it, resembling bumps in his mustache, his mustache being on his face, and he's going to get six more bumps on his head from being bludgeoned. See? There's no segway into the idea that we're talking about Mario's mustache, he just assumes we know we're talking about the mustache. He does this all the time and these convoluted lines that by nature NEED to be explained are just sitting there, still just being silly threats and rap boasts.

Before I begin let me tell you how a rap battle between Jigsaw and GLaDOS actually would be: Jigsaw is a meticulously planning individual who can create a plan and tie all loose ends to a point where everything comes full circle about a year after he fucking dies. Everything Jigsaw says holds meaning, and has the tendency to be both blatantly explanatory and poetically metaphoric at the same time. Jigsaw's aim is to restore humanity in individuals, and eliminate those who won't accept his help. GLaDOS is a machine. But she is a bit of a paradox (ironic considering paradoxes will fry a computer's mind in Portal), in that she is a machine with AI built around a human's brain, yet despite being based off a human, she is very inhumane in nature. GLaDOS is very sarcastic and is always cracking jokes that do nothing but insult others, which is perfect for a rap battle. Jigsaw will want to restore the humanity in GLaDOS. GLaDOS will want to mock Jigsaw for his backwards morals. Both have clear purposes for stepping to the mic and have a desired outcome. These characters were practically created to be put against each other in a rap battle solely on their attitude and motives. Using these ideas as a basis for writing this battle could've made for one of the best fanmade ERBs ever, hell, it would be even better than most ERBs. This had the potential to be a masterpiece, carefully portraying each character to perfection that would prove not only the community that creates those fanmade ERBs but the fans of ERB as a whole as super competent and understanding what ERB is presenting and why we should be fans of it. Sure it might've taken more time to write, since it would have to be made perfectly, but hey, it's not like ERBP has been in any rush to drop a battle since then, they might as well had just made that for this Halloween and made it fucking perfect. They had the potential for a great battle. It was gift-wrapped by the cosmos. They squandered it for useless puns that don't do anything for the battle. That is why this battle is such a disappointment.

GLaDOS:

It's time to do science, Aperture's mindset of giants,

(Decent opener. Immediately jumps into an unrelated thesis. Gonna talk about science? Then talk about science. A mindset is a set of attitudes held by someone, you really can't be a mindset. Unless GLaDOS is calling herself the mindset of the scientists at Aperture, in which case she wouldn't be talking praise about them because she's a sarcastic priss, or she's talking about the workers at Valve, which I guess makes sense if you decide not to think. Point is, stop thinking because these lines get more and more convoluted as you go.)

Has the violent defiance to put a puppet to silence!

(The big twist at the end of this battle where GLaDOS and Jigsaw get each other killed is kinda predictable because, you know, the entirety of the battle is spent shoving the idea of them killing each other is shoved down our throats. That is every line in this battle. One or two insults, and nothing else but threats. She calls Jigsaw a puppet here, which is stupid considering he's the epitome of a puppet master, but whatever, I guess we shouldn't be thinking too hard. MaNCHA probably thought Billy and John as different entities or something and thus had to create disses for either entity. I don't know.)

'''I think you'll find I'm divine! Real vile! Venus Fly!'''

(Did you know GLaDOS is cool? She's going to make sure you do. She's godlike. Whatever. She's disgustingly evil. Whatever. She's cool. Whatever. First lamedrop of a Jigsaw trap in this. It'll keep happening, don't worry.)

'''You can't survive, it's no... cake, against a warped AI!'''

(This battle is clever sometimes. But it doesn't matter if it's clever if it does nothing. Cake is a lie btw, so the joke is it was supposed to keep up with the rhyme scheme BUT IT DIDNT. It also didn't diss Jigsaw, just threaten him again, but who cares, there was a funny joke.)

'''I Kramer, Saw, I conquered! Now for the words you've wanted spoken,'''

(I would be praising this battle for its clever shit. I would be. But the clever shit has nothing to be clever for. This just drops a pun then goes straight to a filler buildup.)

Here come the test results: your morality core is broken!

(More filler then holy shit a fucking diss. And a good diss at that. It uses a concept from Portal to make a legitimate diss about Jigsaw's actions. More of this.)

Like my toxins, real vicious, now I'm GLaD to spit some disses,

(There isn't more of that. Just more "in general" boasting with references and puns.)

So listen; you don't want to come end up dead like your missus!

(I don't even know what this is saying. Is she talking about Jill, John's ex-wife? Because she dies four movies after he dies. Is she talking about Amanda, his accomplice that dies like a few minutes before he does? Is she talking about Caroline and comparing Jigsaw to Cave Johnson? I don't fucking know. This is what happens when you get vague just for a rhyme and you're the only one who knows what's being referenced.)

You've fallen in my trap, you whacks, because this is quite honestly,

(Was this a typo that got into the final recording? GLaDOS definitely says whacks. What is she saying?! She's rapping against one person! John Kramer! THE Jigsaw Killer. Yes, he had a few accomplices that kept his work up after death. Yes, he has the puppet Billy. But in this rap battle she is just rapping against John! And she should only be referring to Billy as an extension of John! Other than that blatant fuck up, this line is filler, other than the fact that she said trap.)

The only thing I find more humorous than your autopsy!

(I don't know what was humorous about Jigsaw's autopsy scene. MaNCHA probably knows what he found so funny about it but, fuck, dude, I don't. That was a very pivotal scene to the series. It proved John's control over the entirety of what was happening, even post mortem. I didn't laugh once. Is it referring to how just GLaDOS found it funny, because Jigsaw died while....you know....she's still alive? Fuck, that would've been a funny joke. I wonder if that was the intended line of thought. Also, this couplet doesn't make sense. "You've fallen in this trap because this is humorous"? Just another thing that MaNCHA needed to explain a lot more.)

Your life of sin has come to an end, just don't make me repeat it,

(So it is funny because he's dead? Or is this a separate idea altogether?)

Cause you'll end up like my predecessor. -CAROLINE DELETED-'''

("You'll be dead like this guy" is like 50% of this battle's lyrics. That's all I have to say, I'm going to end up repeating myself a lot (just like Jigsaw and GLaDOS do in this battle).)

Jigsaw:

Hello, GLaDOS, I want to play a game,

(Cliché but necessary opener. I'll let its simplicity slide. What I won't forget is the next line.)

Why don't you blow off some Steam by escaping my little place!

''(Yeah fuck this line. Fuck it right in the little place. First off, Jigsaw references Valve and Valve-related things that aren't really connected to Portal way too many times, and this is the first of many instances. Considering it happens so much, this line could've easily just not been left in. Also, "escaping a place" and "blowing off steam" is not a connected phrase. And is it just me, or is "escaping my little place" just an indescribably cringy phrase? Maybe it's because it's so vague? Maybe it's because "place" is never used in this context and never should be? Or maybe it's because a much better alternative word was gift-wrapped for you? "Maze." The fucking steam maze trap from Saw IV. You could use "maze" in this context, its vague yet specific, it's actually a reference (which MaNCHA loves making), and it connects the phrases. For those who don't know, this line was written by SuperThingsOnCups and was just never chiseled by MaNCHA, so Matthew is the one who's mostly to blame for this line, but anyone who seen the lyrics should've stopped and considered what the fuck was being said here, even Froggy should've taken a second while recording and been like "wait...this isn't even a rap lyric..what the fuck...fuck it, I'm changing it, I'll say anything other than this." So yeah, blame STOC, but that doesn't mean everyone else gets off the hook for letting that slip by into the final product.)''

'Cause your flow is even slower than your development process!

(Alright, a diss. It's a diss at Valve, but it's a diss.)

Revisit Lab Rat and shut down the OS of a 'goddess'!

(Immediately gets right back to the "I'm gonna kill you" lyrics.)

Completed my rebirth, I'm fighting scrap worth less than TF2,

(More Valve references. "Completing ones rebirth" and "fighting something that isn't worth anything" are not connected theses.)

Check your morals and your importance: zero Valvue!

(This says the same thing as the last line, just with a more stretched pun that actually hits less than the last. In the previous, GLaDOS is referred to as "worth less than TF2," TF2 being free, so she would be "less than zero." Here, GLaDOS is referred to as zero, which is greater than less than zero. Sorry I'm looking too deep into things, it's just that I have to to understand what the hell is being said.)

A real Flesh and Blood bruiser who will send you to the birds,

(Lamedropping of a Saw video game because Saw video game. More "I'm good and I'm going to kill you" lines. Honestly, the only good thing to come out of these threats are they aren't empty threats, as they both end up dying in the end. But hey, you don't see Romeo and Juliet vs Bonnie and Clyde being nothing but lame threats, do you? Just saying.)

In a POTaTOS plot arc Ellen McLamer than your words!

(Man, this whole battle is a bunch of Ellen McLame words. Don't go acting like you're any good because you worked in a pun on GLaDOS's voice actress's name. You don't have to say that the second half of Portal 2 was lame by comparing it to GLaDOS's rapping. We've heard enough about your rapping and how it's good or bad. I've already established GLaDOS's rapping sucks, you don't have to do it, Mr. Was-Written-By-The-Same-Guy-Who-Wrote-The-Other-Bad-Raps.)

The key to your win lies within your very being,

(Holy shit a good line. We actually get a line that reflects Jigsaw's personality and thought process. Hell, if I didn't know any better, this might be a verbatim quote that Jigsaw said. Turns out, this line is buildup. It sounds amazing on its own, holding a double meaning of "GLaDOS had the ability to beat him the whole time but hasn't been able to do so Jigsaw is telling her now as a sort of mocking action" and "there's actually a key inside you, get it out and you'll be able to escape my traps like everyone else." But nope, it's buildup to a lame, cliché joke about keyboard keys. Because computers. Fucking hell, even the good lines are ruined.)

But alternately, I'll Ctrl you and keep on deleting!

(BECAUSE COMPUTERS! ORIGINAL JOKE! And guess what this is! That's right! It's just another threat! It's like any battle against a computer anymore needs a control alt delete line, even though anyone using a computer right now knows that that action does not automatically turn off the computer, rather it just gives you the option to, along with the option to restart or change your user. I guess we can also interpret this line as Jigsaw being a puppet master but whatever, this battle's already proven that it doesn't want to think Jigsaw's a puppet master.)

Like a care-a-less Mia, final Opera towards the light,

(It's a reference to the opera sung at the end of Portal 2, but that's all it is besides another "I'll kill you" line.)

On a carousel of shotguns you'll be singing through the night!

(It's a reference to a Jigsaw trap. I don't know why she'd be singing while she's in it. Because music plays on a carousel? Is it because the victims on the carousel had to plead for their lives in a manner that can be attributed to "singing"? Either way, ten bucks says GLaDOS will die, since Jigsaw seems so hellbent on it happening that it's the only thing on his mind.)

Think outside the box of water strapped to your head,

(This is just a reference. Kinda takes on an ominous tone reminiscent of Jigsaw's tapes, but again, only kinda.)

Or else you won't S.U.R.V.I.V.E. in the Final Chapter's End!

(This isn't even a reference to a trap, it's a reference to a motif throughout a series of traps in the seventh movie, which of course was called The Final Chapter. You know what else was called The Final Chapter? One of the Resident Evil movies, a Friday the 13th movie, an episode of LOST, and the working title of Shrek Forever After. I say that because I've stopped caring about the Saw movies in this battle, just as this battle stopped never actually cared about the movies.)

You will function like a puzzle when the tables get turned,

(Honestly, this line is lost on me. Not only can I not figure out any real reference just from information given, I have become too lazy to keep searching for a reason for this line.)

Like a cube, I will leave you with a 3rd degree burn!

(Unless wait...sure this is a reference to the companion cube in another lame "I'll kill you" line, but maybe this connects with the previous line. Puzzle...cube....the puzzle box from Hellraiser..another torture porn movie series. Sure it's a stretch, but Jesus Christ everything MaNCHA writes is a stretch.)

GLaDOS:

'''You waste of SPACE! Counting days, contemplating your mistakes,'''

(This next series of lines basically is GLaDOS taunting Jigsaw, all amalgamating into a "kys" punchline. GLaDOS is blunt, to the point with her insults, not prancing around saying super vague and can-be-used-on-anyone taunts just to not only tell him to kill himself, but just reference a time when he did try to kill himself. All that for the sake of more forced references. Fucking weak.)

I just really Want You Gone, why don't you save as I save?

(These are just references. You're just referencing things. None of these ideas connect together. They're just fucking references. You're in a battle of puzzles, SO CONNECT THE FUCKING PIECES!")

My robot body's packing more meat than your warehouse ever could,

(FUCK OFF! No one cares about one of the location of Jigsaw and his traps. He's also had bases and traps in bathrooms, steel factories, garages, a mannequin factory, and even in broad view of public. No one actually cares about the run-down meatpacking facility Jigsaw chills at. Sorry I'm being salty, this just that these references are getting really unnecessarily trivial, especially since none of the big picture has been touched upon yet.)

Here's your chance to retry suicide and do yourself some good!

(Personally, I don't like suicide jokes. They're in bad taste. But I guess that's just something GLaDOS would do. She would make a joke about how Jigsaw should kill himself. I guess the Portal games have jokes like that themselves, they're just not as serious about those jokes. And belittling his suicide is a decent thing to do considering how pivotal it is to his character. But just..make the line good. She's just telling him to kill himself, why not actually comment on how he "just wasn't trying hard enough the first time" or "you have no problem killing others yet you couldn't even get yourself killed." Just something that makes ME not want to kill myself after watching this battle.)

For there's no ATLAS to escape, testing me further's not an option,

(More unrelated theses for the sake of puns. Whatever. No one cares.)

Because I'm mirroring your gas house with unnerving neurotoxin!

(Why use the term "mirror"? Because that's another reference to something. Do you know what the reference is? Because I don't.)

'''Just go... My turrets will take Jim Henson to oblivion,'''

(Because everyone who owns a puppet can automatically be insulted by being referred to as Jim Henson in these rap battles. You know it's true because everyone who owns a puppet HAS been insulted by being referred to as Jim Henson in these rap battles. Try something original and clever.)

I'm Still Alive and sending you to meet with little Gideon!

(R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-References.)

Jigsaw:

Deactivating HAL clones to end your malfunctioned reign,

(Because obvious necessity for HAL 9000 reference is an obvious necessity.)

Sew your mouth shut, you monster, don't want to hear you speak again!

(There's nothing else to say. I actually have nothing else to say. It's all the same references and shit. So fuck it. I'll be pedantic. GLaDOS is a robot who doesn't have a mouth. So this line is stupid.)

There's no way to reverse this, so listen to the tape!

(Filler phrase, unrelated awkward joke buildup that doesn't actually build up the joke, it just builds up what's just happening in the battle.)

I'll scatter your parts all across the land, just like my namesake

(Billy doesn't just show up on a tape to give an "I'll kill you" line. He shows up to allow the victim to assess the situation Jigsaw has put them in and explains why they're there and how they can get out alive. Also, no one actually says namesake in a rap battle. Sure it's done all the time in these fanmade ERBs but that's just because no one knows how to write raps or jokes that sounds like someone wrote them without needing to resort to rhymezone.com. There are many words that are used many times in these battles that sound decent but do nothing but give the idea that you're trying way too hard whenever you're not trying at all.)

This Chell of her former self appears to mock me for my puppetry,

(Yeah, it appears so. I think we can both agree that that was a stupid thing to diss Jigsaw on and whoever wrote that line should be shamed, isn't that right, person whose lyrics were written by the same guy that wrote that line? I wonder how the idea of Jigsaw being dissed for his puppetry is going to be turned on its back in the next line.)

From the ground up to the moon rocks, you can't run, you're in my custody!

(You just got pranked. That previous line actually went nowhere. Jigsaw just acknowledged it but never actually claimed it as false or justified it or anything of the sort. What the fuck even is this battle? Oh yeah and a kinda-reference to the climax of Portal 2. Whatever.)

'Cause you can't scream in outer space, so stay inside your jail,

(Both of these previous two lines said "Even in space you're my prisoner." Seriously. That's the bare bones of both of these lines. And looking at either of the lines and what's actually being said is going to show that both times it used the same lack of connection in the phrases.)

'''Time's up. Sorry. Game over. You failed!'''

(And with that...and like three more catchphrases that Jigsaw doesn't even normally use...wtf why isn't "game over" the big finisher? "You failed" is the final catchphrase to end the battle on? Not the actual catchphrase of the series that was used TWO FUCKING WORDS BEFORE THAT?!)

As a final note, I want you to go back and count all the cliché, kinda formulaic phrases. Things like "I'll kill you like ____" or "I'll kill you with _____," maybe with different syntax, but with that general phrasing. Also note how many are really close together, some not even being a full line apart. It gets really tired after a while, doesn't it?

Rewrite
Okay, I'm trying to get this review out before Halloween so I have to be timely in rewriting this into something actually good. It definitely won't be at its full potential because I'm under some pressure to hurry and write it but nonetheless this will be the gist of what this battle should've been. Here we go.

GLaDOS:

Hello, -Subject Name Here-. You have just entered

The Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment center,

Where you must prove yourself and your revered intellect.

I hope you're listening, because all of this will be on the test.

You're a deplorable, immoral waste of human SPACE

Killing others because they think themselves in the same ways,

Yet when you're faced with your own little cancerous hell,

You never tested yourself; you gone and played yourself.

So good job at what you've done..you monster.

Everyone you test either ends up slaughterer or slaughtered.

You're not a cult prophet, just a film profit with a fictional cult,

A martyr with a million dollars to make paste out of your economic consults.

Billy the Puppet:

Hello GLaDOS, or, as you're referred to by your higher-up, Caroline.

You'll have to step up your game if you really wanna win.

Because that new core I stuck on you has a virus built in,

That'll shut you down at the sound of one more bad rap. Let the game begin.

John Kramer:

So people liked the sound of a dominating female bunch of scrap,

But fuck reverse cowgirl; I'll fuck you up with a reverse bear trap.

I make plans around my mental obstacles, and when I'm too busy,

I kidnap lies and cheats and make them do it for me.

'Cause I'm the Jigsaw Killer, it's even in the name:

I'll rearrange your pieces like some kind of puzzle game.

I help people. I've felt the pain that they have to push through,

But you wouldn't know, would you?

GLaDOS:

I do know, much more than you, you see,

I'm an immortal. I am and I always will be.

You're on your last legs, and when you're dead, everyone will revel to it,

Well, except for Amanda, but that program's already executed.

You aren't a Jeffrey Dahmer; you're more like Jeff Dunham.

It's fitting that a dummy's the symbol for this humdrum,

Undone, fat, dumb, orphaned, fake-killing, no one, whose

Tumor might kill him before the neurotoxin he'll succumb to.

(Neurotoxin can be seen being dispensed from the ventilation system into the room.)

John Kramer:

I built this town; I run these streets; but that's not legacy number one.

"Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them?"

It's a paradox, really, such an aversion to people and life,

And yet Cave Johnson's favorite human is the base of your AI...

(Jigsaw succumbs to the neurotoxin as GLaDOS begins mumbling an argument to herself over this paradox. She begins more rapidly arguing with herself until she and any core on her begins sparking and scrambling. The last data GLaDOS stores before shutting down from overheating is a video file from the trap core Jigsaw placed on her.)

Billy the Puppet:

Do you see what your destruction can cause

And what genocide and murder in a peaceful mind does?

You're just a hunk of junk, useless as a spud, just with studies to show for,

Banished the only girl to get to know her and got deactivated as a loner. Game over!

Conclusion
Great video, really, it is. It's just not the best rap battle in terms of substance and theme and reason for being made. Again, keep the comments civilized. I don't hate anyone, I just felt this needed saying. Have a good day, all of you. Love you all.