User blog:Hippie Rat/Jay Gatsby vs Christian Grey

No, this is not the actual ERBParodies, in case you think I'm leaking anything. This is basically my "prediction" for the upcoming Seven Deadly Sins battle in production by them. Of course, most of the characters have been confirmed (mostly by Zander, so yeah, you know, blame Zander), but pride hasn't been confirmed, nor has any eighth characters. Hopefully my guess is a good one. Once the actual battle comes out, let's see how close my prediction, lyrics and all, is.

To update otherwise, don't y'all worry. Progress is still being made on my Super Smash Bros battle royale. In the mean time, I decided I'd disown my battle Nova vs Kootra (since I've lost interest in the Creatures), put Guardians vs Guardians as my season 2 premiere. And this is just going to be one of my battles which I had so much fun writing for some reason.

Lyrics
Announcer:

Epic Rap Battle Parodies! Jay Gatsby vs Christian Grey! Begin!

Christian Grey:

How nice of you to stop by for this interview,

Note my wealth, anything you like? Take a look around you,

Built from the ground up, a life of old woes and new pleasures,

My gameroom is oozing with my most prized treasures.

I have a cold, dominant stare, watching over Gatsby,

Mind the tie, I'm prestige! There's no higher to be!

By day, got class so bright no one can hold a candle!

And by night, the same can be said about my door handle.

You want a peace treaty? Fuck the paperwork,

I don't make love, I'll fuck you to six feet under the earth.

Like a bullet in the water, and a damsel my contract caught her,

Should I be found out, bail myself off of rape and manslaughter.

Jay Gatsby:

I heard a tad about a wealthy playboy with some..emphasis on "play",

Your own sub sold you out, told you're "Fifty Shades of Gay".

A direct invitation to see your condominium of condoms turn to sodom,

Think you're on top? I'll beat your bottom till you are and at the bottom. How's that for "so dom"?

For me to cramp your style, you can keep it, doggy-o,

Your whole fanbase is a bunch of middle-aged chicks, you're like those books with Fabio.

You're a joke, and a fake, getting those teenage girls raped,

You can't just treat them like your little toys; but I guess boys will be boys.

I'm a self-made man, catch me if you can, while you're wasting your money on dildos and whips,

Even if you could match this enigma of a man, I'll make another fortune off of raiding your fridge.

Started from the bottom, now I'm hosting extravagant celebrations,

Of how much money I made before the Great Depression.

Cruising down the street in my two-two, Rolls Royce and zooming every green light,

Fancy living and throwing more than fifty shade, keeping my aura bright.

Ana quit you on the shaft, now you're alone, probably strangle yourself to death,

Godspeed, Gatsby's rhymes just butchered you like Macbeth.

Macbeth:

Here's the thing: the play's the thing!

Bow down to the prophesied invulnerable king.

Three witches summon a vision of you two drowning in your sorrows,

And I'll be greater than both of you tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow!

I got no fear, your pants have the only "Great Birnam Wood" amongst us,

'Cause that's the fault in our stars, you're lusting more than Augustus.

And when the text in italics, brackets underneath is read:

[Jay and Grey collapse in death]

Augustus Gloop:

Augustus Gloop, Augustus Gloop,

Man, I'm making a fool out of you nincompoops.

Representing gluttony, northwest of Hungary,

A main course of victory, I'm feeling a bit hungry.

If you wanted cold-ass raps, you should've just brought some,

I'm hitting that pipe before Christian ever knows the date rape drug he's on.

I'm mean, envy-green, and you can call me Gene,

Because there's no motherfucker Wilder than me.

Carrie White:

It's Carrie! Wouldn't Hit a Girl? I'll tele-Kick your Ass!

Weigh down on you like the fat that you Carrie on your back!

I brought the King to power, I can bring one down too,

And by the end of this battle, they're all going to laugh at you.

I butcher, cut and suture fatty meat just like your father,

And I'll bath in your blood, this little piggy is a shower.

Thou shalt all suffer, this witch to live!

You're feeling Carrie White's wrath and I win, period!

Tom Sawyer:

I don't know about that, I can be mighty persuasive,

You'd probably give over your win for a chance to handle my "paint stick".

I'll sit back while you make me Carrie-Whitewash all over your face,

Then maybe bring your ma's bible verses over for the ticket trade. Haha!

I "saw yer" high horse, up there, you're getting light-headed,

Why don't you join a simple life lacking anger and jealous lesson?

And watch me climb the ladder, enjoy all of your spoils for,

I can buy your asses off for half an apple core.

Rumpelstiltskin:

Buy you off? Please, I do that in my free time,

Nobody smart but the little hip hopper with the nursery rhymes.

Your straw hat raps are just that, every record I spin, it turns gold,

I'm old but bold, and magic, fucking awesome this gnome.

I'm like a fucking poltergeist, with these rhymes spit over the fire,

Haunting everybody at night, infant and higher.

And I just, owned you all like the first of kin,

Tell your friends the name, it's Rumpelstiltskin!

Dante Ahligieri:

Dante coming spitting to the sinning, welcome to Purgatory!

Judging to punish greed, lust, wrath, glutton, sloth, pride, and envy.

See pages in the bindings on the shelves, rocking King to Dahl to Paradiso,

You eat so many candy bars a day, you're disgusting... grosso!

Christian? You fall far from it. The first love story to be worse than Twilight,

And I wouldn't wanna be the dude to be dating a menstruating Carrie White.

Don't reach for what others have or you'll be more cursed than the play is,

And you're too lazy to run, so Huck Finn won the "races".

You're too tiny for your ego, either halves of your hubris,

Beauty only woken your bent, lonely soul into avarice.

You best take notes, Dante took the win,

Because your horrible rapping is the eighth deadly sin!

Announcer:

Who won? Who's next? You Decide! Epic Rap Battle Parodies!

Poll
Who won? Christian Grey Jay Gatsby Macbeth Augustus Gloop Carrie White Tom Sawyer Rumpelstiltskin Dante Alighieri