Talk:Theodore Roosevelt vs Winston Churchill/@comment-5453208-20170109130305

Loved the battle, one of their best, especially for someone like me who's interested in political and military history. Had some of the best lines they've ever written. Not sure what Dan Bull's obsession is with opening his verses by asking people to pass him things, though. Overall, it was top, 8.5/10.

My only real problem with the battle was the structure of Winston's early lines, a lot of them were simply too long: 15 syllables each, while the average seems to be 10-12. This wouldn't be too bad for me if they couldn't be rectified so easily.

Take "I was saving the planet from an axis of darkness" (14 syllables) "while you were back home opening national parks, yes!" (13 syllables)

and simply change it to "I saved the word from an axis of darkness" (11 syllables) "You just stayed home opening national parks, yes!" (12 syllables)

That not only cuts down on the syllable count, keeping consistency with the rhyme scheme, but also fixed the lines historical inaccuracy. Using "While you were back home" implies that World War 2 and Roosevelt's term in office took place simultaneously, when in reality Roosevelt never even lived to see World War 2.

Not a big fan of the EpicLlyod line either, even when compared to the "what's up bitches!" line. I think it goes too far with the fourth wall breaking. Referencing Roosevelt's ERB motto is one thing (that comes expected), but Churchill's line full on acknowledges that they're characters played by actors. Plus, it makes absolutely no sense to an average viewer who knows nothing about ERB. I think it would have made more sense to use the line to compare Roosevelt to another politician, perhaps Taft, whom Roosevelt personally chose as his successor.

I'd chance the line from "I'm the rhymes minister fresh in a hat and dinner jacket" (15 syllables) "You look like a mix of EpicLloyd and a pringles packet." (15 syllables)

to "I'm the rhymes minister, timeless in a tweed jacket" (13 syllables) "You're just a dafter Will Taft mixed with a pringles packet" (14 syllables)

This change cuts down the syllable count, removes the confusing line, and mocks Roosevelt's renowned egotism by claiming him to be worse than his protege; while also rebuffing Churchill to be timeless with his appearance. Either way; I'm no expert, those are just some of the changes I'd personally make. Still a top battle