User blog:The Flatwoods Monster/Wonder Woman vs Xena



been a while.

in light of the upcoming wonder woman movie (which is apparently good and im mad excited for) i realized i sorta wanted to write a battle with WW and at the same time ive been wanting to get into Xena and boom a way to kill two birds with one stone. so yea here's my take on a suggestion i wanted erb to do a while back.

The princess of Themyscira (Or Paradise Island, depending on who you ask), one of the original founders of the Justice League of America, and iconic Amazonian superheroine from the big three of DC, Diana Prince aka Wonder Woman, does battle with the destroyer of nations, reformed warlord, and seeker of the greater good from the classic 1990's television show, Xena of Amphipolis , to see which of these two sword-and-shield-boomerang-like-weapon-wielding women warrior princesses truly pave the path of empathy, as well as clash their universes of ancient Greek mythos together, all the while promoting a theme of feminist and LGTBQ icons. theres also further connections im too tired to think of rn.

or, y'know, people with wonder in their names. same same really.

full disclosure, i wrote this entirely for the fun of it and it's not meant to be impressive lyrically or anything. making battles has not been v fun lately and idk how many more ill do but this one was actually pretty enjoyable to write.

enjoy, and wonder woman comes out tomorrow, go see it.

Cast
this isnt a part of my not-actually-a-series series so i figured id do this.

Verona Blue as Xena

Josie Ahlquist as Wonder Woman

Lilly Singh as ???

Lauren Francesca as Gabrielle (Cameo)

Nice Peter as Batman (Cameo)

EpicLLOYD as Superman (Cameo)

Xena : (0:19)
Power! Passion! Danger! In the ancient age,

Warriors had to pave their way, they weren’t made with clay,

Nor were their weapons gave away, so in Prince vs Princess,

The day is saved with a diss and discus dished from Olympus!

My every target made a carcass, you’re a car wreck, Diana

You came first, but still look up to me like Giganta!

Preach pride in your comics, but it takes no detective

To see your outfit’s too tight to even fit your self-respect in!

You do battle with fascists, and then teach blatant hypocrisy,

By flying home to a throne after talking up democracy!

While I leave heads spinning like how this loser twirls,

I’m one of a kind - If you can’t do it, they’ll just call Supergirl!

Wonder Woman : (0:47)
Great Hera! You’re in need of further script revisions.

With super-speed, I can counter raps before you even spit them!

And serve up Saturday morning cheese with a slice of Kiwi,

No need for the Invisible Jet, ‘cause Xena can’t see me!

You’ve got some backbone, riding into battle half-clothed,

That time spent closeted wasn’t on your wardrobe! Suffering Sappho!

I keep up with Cheetah, beating Xena is a cinch

And no edited death grip will get you out of this pinch!

Let’s face it; You took my basis and barely changed it,

This is Diana; But you’re the one who’s a lamely renamed twin!

And so your raps reflect back, though I haven’t raised the bracelets!

Call Gabrielle for another kiss so you can exchange spit!

Xena : (1:16)
Xena! Wait, no no no that wasn’t a dare, Gabe.

Forget that! I am afraid your rage will unleash something grave,

And stray from the trail you’ve blazed by having your opponent slayed!

But is it murder if she’s retconned back the next page? Well, um… okay???

Your Feminum’s prevalent in S&M fetishes,

Renting out all your crevices to your Super Friends with benefits! (Oh!)

You used to mean something; Now you’re just a corrupt love script,

Your worst villain are writers who do your character Injustice!

They made you an Amazon ‘cause all you’re good for are dumb ships!

A 2D plot device, waiting for the next Supe’s kiss,

‘Till you hitch Bruce next issue like I thought she was with you?

Hear the whip’s truth; You’re just the next misuse in the DC-Eew!





Wonder Woman : (1:54)
Usually one to defend the peace, but I will reach for a Friend in Need.

You still call yourself a hero? Your killings created your worst enemy,

You were the worst of blood thirsting persons in your first version,

Then Herc gave you a hurting and forced you into conversion,

So you set out with a virgin to keep you on your path,

But redeeming your soul will not bring your brother back.

You have a flaming temper that blasted innocent masses

And so your honor is gone with Akemi; Ashes to ashes.

You are one to talk about lives, after how many times you died,

Twice crucified, then revived and ended with a knife

But Xena was permanently harmed in the making of this movie,

In the name of all that is good, I brought the law down on Lucy.

Outro
Who won? Xena Wonder Woman