User blog:Dark Cyan/Cyan's Rap Battles of Literature 6: Mary Shelley vs Stephenie Meyer

Hello, everyone. And welcome back to Cyan's Rap Battles of Literature!

Yes, this battle is a day late. I'm sorry I wasn't able to post it before now, but I was at my mom's with nothing but a crappy tablet, so I literally wrote this whole battle today.

Further apologies for changing my series at the last minute. This battle was supposed to feature Oscar Wilde, but I could never decide on a good opponent for him. Guy de Maupassant, Henry James, Samuel Beckett, and James Joyce were all considered. In the end, I decided to scrap it and do something much more fun. After all, that's the point of this series.

And this was indeed fun. It was a blast to write. This is the most fun I've had writing a battle since Advice Dog vs Doge.

Anyway, this battle features the author of the hugely popular Twilight series, Stephenie Meyer, and the long-deceased author of Frankenstein, Mary Shelley, to settle once and for all who is the Governess of Gothic, the The First Lady of Romantic Fiction, and the Dame of Darkness.

Enjoy!

Beat: Gothic

Stephenie Meyer
Stephenie is standing over the remains of Mary Shelley, laid out on the table in front of her.

(starts at 0:20)

Allow me to be The Host of this gothic rap battle,

And chase this overrated hussy back to her castle.

I wrote the fantasy of a hundred million tweens. You're just a bore.

I'm dragging you back from the dead today, to settle the score.

I mean, who even knows your name anymore? You've got no chance!

I'm going to prove to the world that I 'm the true queen of dark romance!

You're just a one-hit wonder, and a mediocre poet's wife.

Now I'll re-animate you and give you a Short Second Life!

Mary Shelley
Stephenie turns on the machine, and Mary's body comes to life.

(starts at 0:41)

Stephenie Meyer, or the life and adventures of a sellout.

You will wish you hadn't revived me when you hear what I Shell out.

A Mormon by faith, but certainly no Latter-Day Saint.

When you present girls with abusive 'ships, their minds you taint.

Do you not think of the damage? O, how insensitive!

Can you even write worth a damn? That's a mortifying negative!

I wrote a book in which volume one, the male lead kicks the bucket.

And it's still a better love story than Twilight, so suck it.

Stephenie Meyer
(starts at 1:02)

My work's more wholesome than a granola bar! I'm not dangerous!

The Twilight Saga was written to be safe, pure, chaste, innocent and gracious!

Not a pointlessly death filled mess that was half-written by your other half.

The fact you even got hitched looking like that just makes me laugh.

I mean, just look at your portrait! You're uglier than your death mask!

Whereas I'm a MILF, so kiss my sculpted, incandescent ass!

$50 million a year. You can't argue with those figures.

You're a glorified editor, so stick to travel books. It's clear that I'm the winner.

Mary Shelley
(starts at 1:22)

How dare you! I shall smack that silly smirk right off your face!

You're in love with your own character! Don't talk to me about grace!

I should fetch Lord Byron to teach you how to be a real romantic.

Scratch that, I will get Clement Moore to teach you fundamental semantics.

I am filled with hatred and revenge that this bitch has resurrected me!

When I was twenty, my talent was greater than yours will ever be!

Bram Stoker would be spinning in his grave if he saw your 'vampires'.

Your books don't belong on a shore shelf. They belong on a campfire.

Poll
WHO WON? Mary Shelley Stephenie Meyer