User blog:The Flatwoods Monster/Rick Grimes vs Buffy Summers. Epic Rap Battles of Horror Season 5 Mid-Season Finale



Hello everyone, and welcome back to Epic Rap Battles of Horror Season 5 finally. Jesus on a cheese cracker this battle took forever to get out. Beyond being a literal month since Crooked vs Follower, this battle's doc has been around since April Fool's Day. Yea. Anyways, first things first, shout-out to the plethora of guests this battle has to offer, starting with GravityMan for writing his verse within the same hour I asked him to do it, WonderPikachu12, Mystical Trixter,BackToTheFuturama86 and TKandMit for their verses. A special shout-out to Jella141 who was originally slated to write for Rick Grimes, but unfortunately due to time constraints was not able to finish. As for the battle itself, second combatant to the series to represent the AMC hit TV show based on comics, Rick Grimes raps against none other than television icon and famed Vampire slayer, Buffy Summers to see who's the better undead slayer to hail from television and comics. However, their respective occupations are backed up by others who want a say in things. A lot of other people. This battle is over eight verses long, so if you really have the patience to sit through it, it's seven minutes total, and I commend you. GG.

Just to get this out the way, yes, I totally fucked with you with the hints. Special thanks to Tkid, as I told Cave that he was in the battle just to fuck with him and Trent totally played along with it. I promise I won't do it again. maybe.

Furthermore, for future insight, I know the story is totally just an orgy of all my favorite characters from media. Yes, I do regret making Max & Chloe the main focus. No, it will not be getting any better, I have to see it through for you'll-find-out reasons. In fact, the next five battles whenever they happen will be featuring a decent population of obscure character's I'm fond of, so I'm gonna start making rap meanings and those little bio things I did for Helena vs Powell soon so it's not as easy to get lost in the obscurity. Scrapped lyrics as well, hopefully. Anyways, enough rambling, enjoy the Mid-Season Finale. I need a break.

Prologue
In the complete darkness of the room, it would be easy to forget the apocalypse currently occurring outside. Beyond the hatch, giant monsters, the walking undead and countless other miscellaneous freaks and murderers ran rampant, leveling cities and sending society back to the stone age. But in the blackness of the room, only lit by a dim lantern and a few candles, silence reigned supreme, only occasionally broken by the sound of a spoon hitting the bottom of a bowl. The darkness of the room was so prominent, in fact, that one would not be able to tell how many faces were hiding under it’s cover - but the true number was too many to count.

Max sat in this enveloping darkness, only comforted by the lamp that sat in front of her. To her left was her best friend, Chloe, whom she could barely see despite being directly in front of her, and to her right sat the main holder of the survivor group they had found. In their following of the coordinates they had received, the two came across a young group of kids who hitched a ride and delivered them directions to the secret underground safe-space. Though they had an end goal to strive for, the duo decided that sheltering would be for the best, as they had no food or water and were low on gas.

The survivor leader looked as fearsome as the apocalypse itself; dirty blonde hair and piercing black eyes, she watched the two with an unbreakable stare of concentrated distrust. She wore a long, black dress with an assortment of weird tools, like wooden stakes and stone crosses, hanging off of a thick belt. As a part of the seemingly million questions they had to go through to enter, Max had accidentally mentioned their mission to find this location the text message they received spoke of and, when further probed, admitted it’s possible ties to saving the world. While she had assumed the leader would shrug it off as nonsense, she seemed to have taken a great interest in it.

The clanking of the spoon to the bottom of the bowl marked that Max had finished with her cold tomato soup. As she raised her mouth to say thank you, the leader quickly cut her off.

“This location you mentioned. You think this is gonna save everyone?”

“Um... “ Max fumbled for words in surprise, “It’s… possible?”

“Yes or no?” The leader inquired further, leaning back and crossing her arms.

“Half-yes. But, uh, half-no.”

“Alright, here’s a better question. Is there a chance?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No. Yes. Maybe. Sure.” Max responded, changing her answer four times after seeing the responding facial expressions.

“And this place you’re trying to get to… how much further is it?”

“Not much. A full tank of gas should get us there.” Chloe chimed in, placing her bowl on the floor.

The leader let silence overtake the room again. The plentiful pairs of eyeballs all seemed to be staring back down at Max, who returned the glance to none of them as she kept herself focused on the floor to try and avoid the attention.

After what seemed like forever, but was probably only a minute or so, the leader spoke up again. “We have the resources to get you there, if you think you can tell us how.”

As she was awaiting an inevitable “fuck no,” this response came as both a surprise and a delight to Max & Chloe, who shot a glance at one another to make sure they had heard the same statement. The crowd became slightly rustled as obvious whispers were exchanged.

“Hold it!” A grim voice called out from amongst the mass. The leader’s eyes directed straight towards the origin of the outcry. Stepping from the darkness was a grizzly bearded man, wearing a hat and a five star badge. “Who elected you leader of this outfit?”

“She’s a Slayer.” Another voice called out from behind the blonde leader, this time from a paler man dressed in all black. “I say she knows best.”

“And we’re to just abandon all our supplies then?” Spoke up another figure in the crowd, this time a man dressed in all camouflage. “You’re asking for some kinda fuckin’ suicide mission! For a cause we don’t even know if viable!”

More arguing ensued as multiple separate figures stood out of the crowd, obviously taking sides between the now-standing leader and this grizzly sheriff.

“You’ve gone too far this time, Buffy.”

“Or, you’re just boring as hell, Rick.”

“what is happening.”

Announcer:
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HORROR!



VS!



BEGIN!

Rick Grimes:
I don’t need a hand in this rap; I’ve handled Georgian Summers,

Your show’s the real Walking Dead; three seasons late down under

You got pissed in Season Six when your friends brought you back home

But when the dead come a ringing, bitch, I pick up the phone

‘Cause I know I got a job to do, protecting me and mine,

While your plotlines are so dug up, they’re gettin’ covered in Grimes

You’re no Alpha, just a Barbie with a personality as nasty as her libido

I’m a limpin’ pimpin’ badass, got the readers hooked on a fucking radio

And I’m on a praised role! The human race and the ratings I be leadin’

Your acting’s bland; Ultron’s not the first robot to be ruined by Whedon

I’m like Jesus, packing heat - spitting in the face of evil

So a Scooby Gang versus my team? You’re fucking with the wrong people.

Buffy Summers:
Now that this grimy dick is done, it's time for a Spike in quality

Because beating obnoxious, monstrous rehashes like you is my calling

It's a shame. Every season of yours is the same. Do away with the worst slayer in the game

When it comes to lame-os, I bring the pain, yo! I'm so strong, it's in my name!

Now look, usually it's against my slayer code to kill any fellow human

But there's no protection for this grotesque man who'd go and kill his own best friend!

You can't even save your own survival group, while I'm saving a whole town!

Just like you had your son do to his own mother, I'll be putting you down.

You can't defend against my disses, because my lineage is endless!

Another slayer shall take my place if you're actually able to end this!

But as I grip the mic like a stake, I'll be sending you all the way back to Georgia,

Cause I'm known for putting people with too much Faith right back into comas!



Tank Dempsey:
(FETCH ME THEIR SOULS!) Rolling onto the set to pop some caps off,

And back up the rad cop with rap talk, Dempsey’s turning this into Black Ops!

So back off! I fight puppies that are more of a toughie than Buffy and muggle boy

This weak fag and freak bag are a two-for-one! (DOUBLE POINTS!)

Can’t spar with me, my harder bars secrete a Harmony of Diss-onance,

Your vigilance against Ghosts n Goblin’s can’t just be coincidence!

Your scary fairy tale’s hairy males rarely prevail - you’re just shy and frail

While I break ranks like a Tank and dish out the burns like a (FIRE SALE!)

My BARs Pack-a-Punch to munch a rap and smash in your Jugger-Noggins

The most vile Goblin you’re callin’ a problem couldn’t even handle Richtofen!

I’ll make any trampy Vamp scram once you hear what my Ray Gun’s gotta say to ya,

(INSTA KILL!) I’ll send this whip-fetishist BD bitch back to Trans-ylvania!

Simon Belmont:
Halt! Allow the OG Vampire Killer to step in and whip up a lively rhyme

My lines so divine, you'll be speechless, then Sheriff can't shout his son's name all the time!

I'll unload into Rick and this dick quicker than they need to unload a new clip,

I don't need guns to make the dead my bitch, so just stand back and watch me whip!

Demp- you seem dense, You Goddamn Bathead. You don't look steady, maybe take a Breath.

You guys act like killing the undead is a big deal, wanna know something? I killed DEATH!

How can Tank kill on the mic anyhow when his younger form already pulled his lifeline?

Belmonts' been in the monster slaughtering job for ages, check my family's timeline!

Your series is the same every game, so soulless that even your zombies seem more alive,

While my franchise thrives! Your deprived hide couldn't even hope for a Quick Revive!

Your team isn't the only thing in the Fritz, I spit so sick I'll need more than a med kit,

Cuz when the dreaded redheaded shreds it you'll regret it-



-GOD DAMN IT, I GET IT!



Shaun & Ed :
‘Ello mates, fakes, and Blade. Have you all heard the buzz?

The World Ends when Shaun delivers rhymes Hotter than the Fuzz

You’re dead! Remove your head and what’s inside? Absolutely Zed!

You’ve got dread on you; don’t cross me. Yeah, fuck you, cunt! ED!

There’s no need to chime in here, this gothic Cullen clone’s harmless

Plus, I’m already breaking records ‘gainst this Fresh Prince of Darkness

I’m Dawn of the Dead, you’re worse than Dracula: Dead and Loving It

You look like BDSM CGI, and I know you’re not the dominant

Cause I’m the best in the film industry, eviscerating you viciously

Making this the worst failure this dull Blade’s suffered, besides Trinity

Cause I’m the Wright man for the job, you got Sniped by Del Toro

Clever rapping? It’s clear you’ve taken shortcuts before! (Ohh!)

Blade:
Horror-Comedy is accurate; Not your scripts, it’s your chatter on the track that invokes laughter

But your safest tactic to surpass this would be to practice acting like an actual rapper

Mid-life struggles are hardly trouble compared to when I bring you a different Crisis

You’d be safer getting bit and turning into a lifeless hivemind like your sidekick

Reach a compromise like when your Mom was zombified, I’ll be the one to pull the trigger

The iller undead killer delivers a Slice of Fried Gold because I can’t take Silver

Drop bombs on Shaun the zombie rom-com, you’re not bright enough to try killing me

Leave you looking pink in the face, you’re the Strawberry of the Cornetto trilogy

Garlic’d a sorry brit with harder spit from the United States

Sharper than the way of my namesake but you don’t know what’s at Stake

Snap your pitiful rap, cricket back and brittle back, Now you Can’t Stop Me

So much that you don’t have to ask who died to make me King of the fucking Zombies



Ash Williams:
Here comes the hell raising Helsing against the Chosen One

See, I’m not the good or the bad guy, I’m the guy with the gun.

You think that your traps and tricks will fool me?

Your moves need to come more… Groovy.

Yes, you did battle with Dracula. It’s deadite clones of me I fight!

You’ve been training all your life, I became a legend overnight!

Garlic and crosses? Try me and my shotguns and chainsaws!

You’re scared of a bat, I’m at odds with hellspawns!

You can’t be too S-Mart to start shit with Ash when it’s getting dark.

I’ll GO CRAZY! My Medieval buds will rip you apart!

Now while you stand before me, reading your boring stories,

I’ll make Krueger look more gory and tear a new one for Voorhees

Van Helsing:
Better drop the sins; The Doctor’s In, rockin’ a zombie slayer,

Since his worst perpetrators a groggy hockey player

From the darkness harks the hardest forefather of the genre,

Ready to spar wits with his target; You’ll be Dead by Dawn

You’re as good as a walking carcass if you try to get through me

Because now your legacy is tarnished by cash-grabbing movies

Your time-traveling’s like your rhyme grappling, it’s saddeningly goofy

When your better-erased-remake didn’t leave the fans saying “Groovy”

Inspire harm against your firearms like your right arm, what were you thinkin’?

Four Score on the board when I go AbraH.A.M. harder than Lincoln

Burn Ash in a flash because like his clone, he’s a finicky fraud

So now YOU, dethroned “King,” can hail to an industry’s God

...

...

...

Are you really a God?

...well, no, not rea-

Then FRY!



Ghostbusters:
( Peter, Ray , Egon , Winston )

Not even the flowers are standing after a verse from the zombie team,

But we’re coming stocked with schemes, so don’t cross our stream!

If the undead's at your doorstep and you wanna brawl,

(Ghostbusters!) The freaks ain’t Who You Gonna Call!

Let’s heat ‘em up! I’m sweepin’ up a revivalist

My lines are sick; but back off, doc, I’m a scientist

This stupid boomstick-suiting lunatic’s time’s up

But you necronomican’t match the way my rhymes Bust!

You’ve got no sense of humor so I’m the one who’ll laugh at ya,

With wits sharper than a Blade to stab back at Blacula!

Your brain can only be used as food whereas I’m a prodigy,

Just think of it like a Twinkie from a better zombie comedy

Unlike sequels of C-o-D, you can’t get enough of me,

We put down Zuul while this bitch brags about beating Fluffy!

Belmont befell the invisible but it’s him that’s see-through,

Since he’s about as manly as our 2016 reboot!

I’ve heard stories on why Lori left Sheriff Rick;

But they’re true… this man has no dick.

Raining on Summer’s parade and leaving no survivors,

‘Cause your Scooby-Doo gang couldn’t even beat Slimer!

These dimwits still may think that there’s a chance they can win it,

But I won’t believe that ‘less there’s a steady paycheck in it

W e C a m e, W e S a w , W e K i c k e d A s s w h e n w e f l o w e d ,

(Ghostbusters!) I ain’t afraid of no roast

Announcer:
WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

'''EPIC RAP-

I ain't afraid of no ghost.

...BATTLES OF HORROR!'''

Epilogue
The entire room had grown a lot livelier with the huge mass of slayers, hunters and busters arguing left and right with no clear ending to the nonsense in sight. Voices from all across the bunker shouted out differing opinions such as “Following two teenagers to an unclear destination with all our supplies is stupid!” to “We have to take the chance if it means saving the world!” to “Where the fuck is Frank?”

However, even amidst the seemingly endless debate, silence quickly took back over as Buffy slammed her hand down on a table, glaring at the equally peeved Rick on the other side. The entire room fell back to the same state it was in, and the entire population of the underground seemed to be holding their breath.

“If you won’t come with us, then we’ll compromise.” She offered, “I’ll go with them alone. You guys can stay down here with as many supplies as we still have.” Rick remained silent in response, only nodding his head and backing up. “We’re taking enough supplies to last the three of us, though.”

Rick slid the keys to the hatch across the table. “Fair enough. Stay safe out there, though. The world needs more ‘Slayers’ than corpses.”

Outro


Who won? Zombie Slayers Vampire Hunters Ghostbusters

Special thanks to:

- GravityMAn and TKandMit partially for writing for Rick Grimes

- WonderPikachu12 for writing as Buffy Summers

- Mystical Trixter for writing as Simon Belmont

- BackToTheFuturama86 for writing as Shaun

- TKandMit for writing as Ash Williams

I wrote for Tank Dempsey, Blade , Van Helsing and The Ghostbusters.

HINT DECODING

Lucille Ball - References Lucille, the main weapon of Negan, a main character from the Walking Dead tied to Rick Grimes. Originally, I was going to feature a joke with Negan starting the rap and Rick killing him, but Wonder beat me to it, so uh???

Daphne - Not only does Daphne share an actor with Buffy in the live action Scooby-Doo films, but Buffy's gang is called the "Scooby Gang." The picture mimics the "DON'T OPEN, DEAD INSIDE" shot from The Walking Dead, as well as the movie the screen is taken from being a zombie-based feature.

Dog chasing a heart - The heart is actually a Soul from Undertale. The dog chasing after it mimics the phrase FETCH ME THEIR SOULS from Call of Duty, marking Tank Dempsey.

Star Lord and Shadow the Hedgehog - Pun on the title of a Castlevania game, "Lord of Shadows," the main series that features Simon Belmont.

Don't Stop Me Now - In reference to a famous scene from Shaun of the Dead. Probably the most blatant hint I've ever done.

Blacula - Blade is a black vampire. I'm terrible.

Ash Williams - Ash Williams.

Abraham Lincoln - In reference not only to the famous book and movie, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, but also shares a first name with Abraham Van Helsing.

What was the best battle of this set? L vs A Helena vs Reverend Harry Powell Insane Clown Posse vs Marilyn Manson The Crooked Man vs It Follows Rick Grimes vs Buffy Summers

Which set was better? Set 1 Set 2