J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin/Rap Meanings

George R. R. Martin:
Brace yourself!

(Martin starts his verse by telling Tolkien to be prepared for his raps. "Brace yourself" is a popular phrase from Game of Thrones, which is followed by the statement "Winter is coming." Bracers are also a part of armor worn by medieval knights, so Martin is telling Tolkien to get himself armored up for battle.)

Gather up your trolls and your soldier elves,

(Trolls and elves are short creatures that are in the Middle-earth series, and they are used in combat throughout the stories.)

And your Ents and your orcs, and your Wargs and your Stings,

(Ents, orcs, and wargs are other mythical creatures that make an appearance in Middle-earth, and Stings are swords used for fighting in Tolkien's series. Martin continues listing beasts and items because he thinks Tolkien should get all the help he can to defeat him.)

Your dwarves and Glamdrings, 'cause there's a new literary Lord in the Ring!

(Dwarves, like trolls and elves, are small beings who inhabit Middle-earth. Glamdrings are another type of weapon that are longer and thinner than Stings. Martin finishes telling Tolkien to round up all of his characters as there is a new writing genius in their presence. He says there's a new lord, or ruler, in the ring, which is said here to describe an arena used in sports such as wrestling. This is also a play-on-words on Tolkien's most well-known work, The Lord of the Rings.)

My readers fall in love with every character I've written!

(Many characters from A Song of Ice and Fire are well-liked for their personalities and development. Martin claims that he isn't limited to creating heroes or villains, and this is why people fall in love with his characters.)

'''Then I kill 'em! (Aaaah!) And they're like, "No, he didn't!"'''

(Martin is known to kill off main and major characters in his books, leading to great disbelief for his fans.)

All your bad guys die and your good guys survive!

(Like most stories, Tolkien's books end with the enemies defeated and the heroes living, which Martin finds to be a cliché tactic compared to his more realistic one, implying that Tolkien is generic.)

We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five!

(Martin considers Tolkien's stories to be so predictable, the outcome can be seen after reading five pages of the novel, or it can be thought of by a five-year-old child. Numbered ages are also used in the Lord of the Rings universe to signify time periods, the last age Tolkien wrote about was the Fourth Age. Martin may be saying that this will be the Fifth Age, or a continuation of Tolkien's epic.)

'''Tell your all-seeing eye to find some sex in your movies! (Yeah!)'''

(The All-Seeing Eye of Sauron is the arch-villain in The Lord of the Rings series. Since it is able to see anything, Martin suggests for Tolkien to tell it to find sexual scenes in the films for The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit franchises, of which he is certain none will be found.)

Ditch the Goonie and cast a couple boobies!

(Martin suggests that Tolkien's films would be improved if Sean Astin—who portrayed Sam the Hobbit in The Lord of the Rings and Mikey Walsh in The Goonies—was replaced with female nudity, such as the kind shown on Game of Thrones, the television adaptation for A Song of Ice and Fire. This line may stem from the fact that Martin holds the belief that a lack of nudity shows a lack of realism in fantasy.)

There's edgier plots in that David the Gnome!

(The World of David the Gnome is an animated fantasy series about a gnome's adventures, to which Martin says is darker and more controversial than any of Tolkien's works. This could also be a way of taking a shot at the often mocked animated version of Tolkien's series.)

Your hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne!

(The Iron Throne from the A Song of Ice and Fire series is one which is hard to obtain, and thus diminutive heroes from literal holes in the wall couldn't get the Iron Throne, let alone hold onto it.)

J. R. R. Tolkien:
Kings, queens, dragons, dwarves,

(Tolkien begins by pointing out fantasy character archetypes, objects, places, and aspects that are present in both Tolkien's works and Martin's, suggesting the inspiration Tolkien's work had on Martin's. Kings and queens are commonly used in medieval works for members of a royal family, and dragons and dwarves are mystical creatures that make an appearance in the fantasy genre as well.)

Horses, fortresses, magic, and swords!

(Horses are used as a form of transportation in Martin and Tolkien's series, and fortresses are used for locations. Magic is also a common element in both of their books, as well as swords and other weapons that derive from the Middle Ages.)

You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack!

(Tolkien states that Martin bit off of his work by plagiarizing it rather than being inspired. He also makes a pun on Tolkien's book and fictitious species, "Hobbits".)

'''You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq!'''

(Tolkien replies to Martin as he gets ready for the battle. He then uses the pun to combine the Shire, the home of the Hobbits of Middle-earth, and the Iraq War, which was started by George W. Bush; Tolkien uses a play on words with Martin as he and Bush share a first name, in addition to "Middle East" and "Middle-earth". It may also reference Tolkien's opposition to total war tactics by him mentioning a war that these tactics were employed in.)

In book sales, you've got nothing to say!

(Tolkien surpasses Martin in the number of books sold, therefore making him superior.)

'''I'm number one and two! You're under Fifty Shades of Grey!'''

(Tolkien's novels, The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, were ranked as the two top-selling single volume books of all time, at 150 million and 140.6 million copies sold, respectively. Tolkien compares his achievements to Martin, whose sales for A Song of Ice and Fire are lower than British author E. L. James' Fifty Shades of Grey, a romance novel often regarded as poorly written. Like Martin's books, the novel is notorious for containing themes of torture and a sexual nature, hence Tolkien is saying that these themes are examined better in a different novel, that is contemporary to Martin.)

'''I got the prose of a pro! Your shit's sub-par!'''

(Prose is the standard form of writing, non-metrical and antonymous to verse. Tolkien states that he is a master of said language form, and in contrast, Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire is badly composed.)

'''You're a pirate! You even stole my "R. R."!'''

(Pirates are known for stealing valuable items from people, and Tolkien compares Martin to them for his previous accusation of taking his work directly from Tolkien's. Martin's name even has the double R initials for his middle name, showing that he intentionally took from Tolkien. This is also a pun on how pirates are known for saying "Argh!", which is what it sounds like when you pronounce the two authors' middle initials.)

(Oh!) We all know the world is full of chance and anarchy!

So, yes, it's true to life for characters to die randomly,

(Tolkien remarks Martin's tendency to kill off his characters rather frequently and randomly. He agrees that random deaths do occur in the real world, but criticizes Martin's realism in the following lines.)

But newsflash: the genre's called fantasy!

(Both Tolkien and Martin wrote fantasy series, but Tolkien disapproves of Martin's realistic approach towards the genre and believes that he is unaware of its true meaning. He is countering the statement of characters being killed off in a realistic manner by pointing out they write in a deliberately unrealistic setting.)

It's meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee!

(Tolkien calls Martin out for his method of making his story appear lifelike, as it takes away the enjoyment of making it fantasy. He calls Martin myopic, which can mean nearsighted, referring to his oversized glasses, or lacking imagination, which is why his take on fantasy stories are not as creative as Tolkien's. He further insults him by saying he's a manatee, which is a marine mammal known for being round and obese like Martin.)

George R. R. Martin:
I conscientiously object to what you're doing on these beats.

(Martin says he opposes Tolkien's style of rapping, finding it horrid.)

I'll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast!

(To "cut one's teeth" is an expression meaning to "get your first experience in life by doing a certain thing". One of Martin's first writing jobs was as a writer and producer on the 1987 television series, Beauty and the Beast.)

You went too deep, Professor Tweedpants!

(Martin tells Tolkien that he has gotten too involved in the fictional universe he created. He also insults him for always wearing clothes made out of tweed, which is a rough, woollen fabric.)

We don't need the backstory on every fuckin' tree branch!

J. R. R. Tolkien:
I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme!

(Tolkien counters Martin's previous line by saying he gained experience in life from serving the United Kingdom in World War I, where he fought in the Battle of the Somme against Germany. He infers that writing for a television series does not compare to this experience.)

You lugged your Santa Claus-ass through Vietnam!

(Martin avoided being drafted to Vietnam due to his opposition of the war. Tolkien says that this was a cowardly act in contrast to him being a WWI veteran. Lugging means to drag a heavy object, so Tolkien makes fun of Martin's weight by saying he managed to be carried away from Vietnam, as well as calling him Santa Claus due to his large body and white beard.)

Man, it's hard for me to take criticism on clothes

(Tolkien mentions Martin's earlier diss on him always wearing clothes made from tweed, but he counters it by saying he shouldn't pay attention to him due to the way Martin looks, which is explained in the following line.)

From a dude who sends a raven to say "hi" to his toes!

George R. R. Martin:
Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke!

(Tolkien has taken a few jabs at Martin's size throughout the battle so far, so Martin says that these insults are weak, calling them worse than the smoke coming out of Tolkien's pipe. Smoking is known to worsen your health condition, and Martin believes making fun of his weight is a low blow for Tolkien due to his frequent smoking.)

My show's the hottest thing on HBO!

(Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire was developed into the HBO drama series Game of Thrones, now entering its sixth season as one of the most popular shows on modern television. Martin also refers to the show being the "hottest" on the television network, meaning the most popular, and the most sexually attractive at the same time, as Game of Thrones is known for its frequent use of nudity.)

I'm rock 'n' roll; you're a nerdy little nebbish,

(Rock 'n' roll is a popular genre of music, of which many of the greatest musicians of all time originated. Martin says that he is prominent in his career by calling himself a rockstar because he can produce hits and rock out. However, he thinks Tolkien is nothing more than a weakling and a nerd.)

And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy-foot fetish, dog!

(Even though Martin assumes Tolkien finds him filthy due to his appearance, he retaliates by pointing out that Tolkien likes to make characters with hairy feet so much that he possibly has a sexual attraction to them.)

Even the names of your characters suck:

(Martin thinks the names Tolkien came up for Middle-earth characters are absurd and ridiculous.)

You got Buffers and Bofur and Brandybucks!

(Martin lists some of the characters whose names he finds uncreative, such as Bifur and Bofur. The Brandybuck is a powerful Hobbit family in the series.)

I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks!

Lift up my gut, and tea-Baggins my nuts!

(Martin will move his stomach out of the way just to teabag Tolkien's characters, meaning he will put his genitals over their face. This is also a pun on Baggins, the name of the two most famous Hobbits from Middle-earth: Frodo and Bilbo.)

J. R. R. Tolkien:
C. S. Lewis and I were just discussing

(C.S. Lewis, the author of The Chronicles of Narnia books, which is also a series of fantasy fiction, was a good friend of Tolkien. Both had a common love for mythical tales and wanting to bring those stories into the mainstream reading public.)

How you and Jon Snow…both know nothing!

("You know nothing, Jon Snow" is a quote from Game of Thrones, which is said by Ygritte to Jon Snow. Tolkien says that Martin knows nothing like Jon Snow, meaning he is unknowledgeable towards fantasy unlike Tolkien.)

Because the backstory of my box office is billions!

(The Middle-earth fantasies have had several film adaptations, most recently by director Peter Jackson in the 2000s and 2010s. Combined, the Jackson series have grossed well over 1 billion USD worldwide.)

Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions!

(Tolkien's children received the fortune left behind by their father. The Silmarillion is a collection of Tolkien's works which were published posthumously following the success of The Hobbit.)

And I'm more rock 'n' roll than you've ever been!

(Tolkien says that Martin is not nearly big of a star as he is. Although Martin claimed he is rock 'n' roll in comparison, Tolkien proves in the next line how he directly became an influence for a few rock 'n' roll songs.)

'''Don't believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin!'''

(Some Led Zeppelin songs are based off pivotal events in The Lord of the Rings, such as "Ramble On", "The Battle of Evermore", "Misty Mountain Hop", and "Over the Hills and Far Away". Tolkien is countering Martin's suggestion that he is more rock 'n' roll by citing how he inspired rock music for a famous band.)

'''You can't reach this fellow! Shit, I'm Two Tower-ing!'''

(Tolkien says that Martin cannot ever imagine to be on the same level of influence in the fantasy genre as he is. He also references the first and second volume of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers.)

(Ooh!) Every time I battle, it's Return of the King!

(Tolkien proclaims himself as the king of the fantasy genre, and in every battle he participates in, he will always remain victorious. He finally references the third and final volume, The Return of the King.)