User blog:The Flatwoods Monster/The Yeti vs Bigfoot - Epic Rap Battles of Horror Season 3 Finale

Hello everybody and welcome to the finale of Season 3. Yes. This season is finally fucking ending jesus christ it went on forever. Anyways, a good amount of people knew something like this was coming, and it's been suggested more times then I thought it had in the past, by Stoff, TK and BTTF just to name a few. It's a battle I've also been wanting to do for a long time since I love love love cryptozoology, but I digress. It's the allusive apeman of the forest, Bigfoot aka Sasquatch, facing off with none other than his himalayan relative, The Yeti aka the Abominable Snowman. This battle was originally planned as an off-season but I got the idea to extend it into something bigger and make it a really cool season finale so thats what you're seeing her. While I usually like to have a bunch of guest writers for finales, nobody instantly came to mind on who to ask to help for the certain characters, so I wrote this one myself. Anyways, all that blabbering aside, enjoy the closing of Season 3 and hopefully the news blog will be out sometime soon.

Cast
EpicLLOYD as Yeti (audio)

EpicMealTime as Bigfoot (audio)

Taylor Cu as Bigfoot and Yeti (video)

Instrumental -



Intro
Announcer: (0:10)

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HORROR!



VS!



BEGIN!

The Battle
The Yeti: (0:20)

Yo! It’s the big show! And I’m about to [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Let_It_Snow!_Let_It_Snow!_Let_It_Snow! let it snow!]

Roast this foe like a heatstroke and prove your flow a hoax!

I’m unstoppable! Abominable! It’s impossible to escape,

I’ll crash-squash a Sasquatch! You stink worse than a Skunk Ape

Of standing gorilla description? Your existence is fiction,

Only evidence shot fifty years ago by Patterson and Gimlin,

This frozen sprintman couldn’t be caught by Edmund’s mission!

While this faker troll takes a stroll as he walks like an egyptian!

You swampy freak! I’m Finding Bigfoot to be a shoddy creep!

Who fought with me and got to see himself get launched to Boggy Creek!

But honestly, I’m topping free, you aren’t possibly stopping me!

And as far as lyrics and appearance go, you’re just a lukewarm copy of me!

Bigfoot: (0:52)

You’ve dug yourself a snowy grave and I’ll be the one to tramp you in,

Think you can top me, Frosty? I’m the Hide and Seek world champion!

I’m the original cryptid principle, this mountain-dweller is just envious,

And I’ll send the Yeti dead deep six feet below Celsius!

Go blow off a snow cock, but don’t scoff or I’ll rip your nose off!

Your lyrics can go freeze like Otzi but you’re no iceman, Olaf!

Shave your coat off, I’ll send the scientists new bone and scalp samples

Leave you trampled, Bigfoots big flow is too much for you to handle!

You’re Batsquatch crazy to think you’re some kind of spooky dude,

I’m roaming Gravity Falls while you’re being disproved by [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chill_Out,_Scooby-Doo! Scooby Doo!]

It’s not Saturday, your life is a Secret that I'll steal

Or in the very least I WOULD because you're not even real

(A camera interface pops up on the screen as the camera zooms in, to spot a grasily looking dog in the distance. A title card reveals it to be...

El Chupacabra!)

Chupacabra: (1:22)

Principio? I think this fat furred slob is in denial!

I’ll beat you any day, whether I’m a bat, bird, dog or reptile

You’ve been shedding your hair around the world, and I’m here to stop ya!

But ¡ay! Now you’re trapped and facing the Chupacabra!

Silencio, I’m slamming ya, drop the hammer as I’m no fan of ya

Been slaughtering livestock like you from Puerto Rico to Canada!

You’re both bigger fakers than Surgeon’s with a large aversion, too

But I’ll destroy Donkey Kong's abortion and his albino version, too!

You two screwy noobies who blew can’t get through me,

Think you’re spooky, you floozie? I’m more vicious than El Cucuy!

You two belong in Disco Zoo, but you won’t SkiFree from this game

Because my appearances may be different, but my legends remains the same

(Chupacabra finishes his verse as the screen fades away. Several scenes of atomic bombs and other disasters are shown, each with a dark figure brooding somewhere out of focus. The beat starts back as another opponent enters,



Mothman!)

Mothman: (2:10)

A warning to the populace, it’s the start of an apocalypse

The toxic comic bombs I spit are making things ominous,

It’s obvious, there’s no stopping this, the Mothman's the dominant,

This bottomless prophet of atomics is eerily hominid

These red eyes will see you sink before your beady ones can blink,

While this shrink and his stink got him kicked out of Monsters Inc

Leaving a Chupacabra lifeless is priceless if he tries to fight this,

An alien or dog looking virus suffering an identity crisis

This hairball better hit the hay, Bigfoots not feeling big today,

Because this gray will leave you a souffle like this is GTA

Acid like Chernobyl, hopeful you’ll heed this warning from Vietnam

This Ahool’s more than a ghoul and much more than three photobombs

(As Mothman is finishing up, a silhouette can be seen jumping in front of the moon. It lands with a harsh bang, cracking the London cement. It reveals...

THE JERSEY DEVIL!)

Jersey Devil: (2:41)

This omen warning poser will need to be warned 'fore this is over!

It’s the demon with the most claws gleaming to not come from Dover!

I’ve got a bloodcurling battle cry but it’ll be you begging for help,

So hide on out of this battle and Wendi-go FUCK yourselves!

Crushing a bugger and these two hairy fuckers, make SURE they’re losing

And proving this stupid cuban is much-more-than-a-goat sucker!

Drench this fly in butter! Crunch you before you can take your fairy flight,

And for being attracted to light, you know, you aren’t very bright!

You rodents aren’t on my level! To challenge me, you’re MENTAL!

Got you beat with three rows of sharp teeth if you want to wrestle,

And when the dust settles, let me let you in on something special,

You lost the minute you stared into the eyes, OF A DEVIL.

(As the Devil finishes rapping, a large shadow casts over him. The background changes to a bridge above a small lake. Jersey Devil nervously turns around to see...



THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!)

Loch Ness Monster: (3:30)

Better make a greater wish, because now this hateful strangers PISSED.

In my midst you’ll be dismissed, lucky to land on the endangered list!

You pussies want to know who’s stronger, now you’ve found a REAL monster!

I’ll blow you out my fresh waters into Davy Jones's Locker!

A gigantic croc is in the Loch, and from ‘33 to 2015 it’s been tampering,

With Scotland, it’s man and kins, screw the Vermon-ster, I’M the Champion!

You think YOUR whack raps sicker? I’m Jack the Ripper! And I’m here to hate ya!

Legends are ridiculous as your flow, snow faux! I’ll send you back to the Himalayas!

I’m a Legend of the Deep, wrecking freaks, you’re all seconds leaving me asleep

Resist this monsters force? I’ve slaughtered worse! Fall prey to the Water Horse!

Messing with me is dangerous! Devil's raps and looks are equally outrageous

Chomp a mothman like a small can with this beatdown from the Cretaceous!

This Plesiosaur would eat you four, minus the ridiculous mexican midget,

These furry dimwits are nutritious but no Chupacabra would taste delicious

I’M VICIOUS! Leave NO witnesses when I stomp out this pack of bitches!

MESS WITH THE LOCH NESS, and you’ll be SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES!

Outro


Who won? Yeti Bigfoot Chupacabra Mothman Jersey Devil Loch Ness Monster