User blog:ResonX/Michael Rosen vs. Jim Dale



Intro title text says "MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAPE BATTLES"

MOLEMAN'S EPIC R– WAIT, WHAT?

MICHAEL ROSEN…

…VS…

…JIM DALE!!!!!

BEGIN!

Michael Rosen:

A hip, hop, a hip–hop hippie

To the hip hip hop, and you don't stop

A rock it to the plum–plum boogie say up jumped

the boogie to the rhythm of the Michael Rosen Rap–rap–rap–rap!

When I was one, I had tons of fun

With my parents, going around shooting people with guns,

And since then, I've only grown even more outrageous, so

Don't even try to fight me; that's really dangerous, y'know!

I was crazier than you when I was in my mother's womb;

I'll drop you like *KABOOM, KABOOM, KABOOM*!

I am THE FIERCEST STORYTELLER IN THE WORLD!

Your drivel is for stupid eleven–year–old girls.

I'm funnier, more popular, and sexier, too;

I love the poopers, but can't say the same about you!

I've got loads of lines from all throughout my Big Book of Bad Things.

I bet your strategy against me is to be so boring,

Michael will get so fed up, he'll smash his head against the wall

Before he has the chance to string you up from there by your balls!

Ha! I'd sooner lose to a drunk two year old, faggot;

I'll beat you faster than an electronic rabbit!

I am the very model of a modern major cool guy,

But you're the definition of the ultimate fool guy,

And when it comes to your readings, I prefer Stephen Fry's,

So why don't you just KEEL OVER AND DIE?

Jim Dale:

And, for some strange reason, I came suddenly into the class

To show how I in every way imaginable surpass

This smelly and very pathetic excuse for a narrator

Than whose skills mine are hundreds and hundreds of times greater!

I'm Jim Mother–Fucking, Penis–Sucking, Pube–Plucking Dale!

Trying to beat me is an automatic EPIC FAIL.

When it comes to dirty stories, I'm the undisputed king.

PENIS! PENIS! DICK! PENIS! BLINGA–BLING–BLING!

I'll cover you in my feces, so foamy and brown,

Then ejaculate into your fucking ear; TOUCHDOWN!

Stick my wrinkled–old–man boner in your ass, just like Neville's,

Until it gapes so wide, that out drops the Devil,

Who will join me in raping you until the sheer hypertension

Explodes and ass–blasts you into another fucking dimension!

I'm about to murder you just like Snape murdered Dumbledore,

Cutting you into strips with my ginormous ninja sword.

Or, I could deposit a massive anus baby

In your face, crushing you until you're Pushing Daisies!

Fuck the Skyfoogle, I'm a truly terrifying creature

Who will finish the job started by your super–strict teacher

By making you suffocate from the smell of my asshole.

Keep your stupid nigger plums, I've got fucking pineapple!

And regarding your retarded, out–of–print bullshit,

I have to say, Michael: I really didn't like it. (Yeah!)

Michael Rosen:

That was one sloppy, cheesy verse coming from you.

Cut the recycled bullshit and try something new!

Anyway, it's time for the moment you dread

When Michael gets so fed up, he turns furiously red!

Yeah, that's right; I'm going out on a Jim Dale hunt;

Gonna stuff great big bombs up his horrible mouth–cunt!

I'm a Children's Laureate; that means I'm really good,

And unless we're counting fools with internet made of wood,

Nobody at all wants to hear you! Your penis is tiny,

While my long cock and big butt will leave you going "BLIMEY!"

When I fuck you for three hours with a "fiddle riddle diddle";

You've got as much of a chance as a burger on the griddle!

Jim Dale:

Fuck you so much, you stupid retard.

You know nothing 'bout my penis, so suck it long and hard!

My massive cock is the drill that will pierce the Heavens;

It's sent more people to their deaths than September Eleventh!

He-he-he; that's right! I've got big, gigantic purple nipples,

And testicles too enormous even for Drew Pickles!

This is your final warning, Michael: you better retreat

Before I start jerking off, going SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET,


 * Poickoickoickoickoickoickoickoick* OH! And drown you in my cum,

Then cum again on your corpse, like I did to my mom!

I'll shove you head–first up J. K. Rowling's moldy, smelly cunt,

Which you'll find is certainly nothing like HAMBURGER RESTAURANTS!

Then, she, Voldemort and I will gang–bang you like Harry,

Whereupon you'll find my ass–boulders particularly scary!

Did somebody say "scary"?

George S. Irving:

Ooooooooooooh, I'm the host with the most old sacks,

And you two are just stupid faggot Nazi hacks.

Shook hands with both scarecrows: Dr. Crane and Harold, no doubt;

If your name has an "L", time to get out!

Okay, now I'll stop ripping off Gorbachev's rhymes,

And rip you both new assholes with some original lines!

I'm ten years older than either of you, and that much wiser.

It's about to get hot; you're dealing with the Heat Miser!

I've been performing for the world since 1943;

That's about as long a career as Christopher Lee,

And just like him, long as I'm alive, I ain't gonna retire;

I don't need Thomas and Alfred to throw you in the fire!

You're drunk, Michael; go home and tidy your room!

You, too, Jim; flee before I make this place your tomb!

I'll tie you to my meat pole, take you both hostage,

Bring you to Samuel Blunt and make some wonderful sausage!

I've got cows aplenty, and a Big Slithery Dee,

Not to mention mad dance moves to rival Aaron Kelly,

Plus more swag than the size of Martin the cat.

I'll chop your dicks clean off and feed them to Sam's sewer rat!

AAaAaAuAAuUuUUuGgGHhh! I'll make you scream

Until you're pale as that ugly motherfucker from "The Dream".

I've got passion in my sacks, and I ain't afraid to show it.

You're both already dead; you're just too stupid to know it!

'''…WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WAS THAT?!?! WELL, WHATEVER IT WAS, IT WAS AWESOME! …I THINK… NOT QUITE SURE…'''

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

I DECIDE!!!!

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!