User blog:Teddyfail/John Tsang vs Carrie Lam - Epic Fail Battles of History

A 2017 Hong Kong Chief Executive election battle written by the two Hong Kong users Can this be more obvious? What? It's basically Trump vs Clinton? Oh great

So if you saw Trump vs Clinton and you are in Hong Kong, you know how this will be. It's John Tsang vs Carrie Lam.

Annnnnnnnnnnd I'm late hooray. Let's pretend John Tsang still have a chance when you read this. Hey past and future me, maybe stop being depressed and be more productive ok?

Oh and thanks for the other hk fgt for all the graphics in this battle and writing John Tsang in a short period. Even tho he did choose the easiest one to write, but i don't blame him. Who wants to write for Carrie Lam or Xi Jinping, definitely not me, but I came up with this ass idea so I gotta write it.

Cast
User:Teddyfail as Carrie Lam and Xi Jinping

User:GabrielolXP as John Tsang

The battle
[Note: John Tsang is in green, Carrie Lam is in navy blue , and Xi Jinping is in white .]













The battle=

Carrie Lam: (0:21)
Cover your face with an iPad. I'm about to spit some fine rhyme.

Your platform? Fishy. Campaign? Corny. You can't put a price on mine!

I don't need my husband. This bad bitch is the modern Wu Zetian.

I'll fire this small potato and stuff you inside a Pringle can!

You spend your whole day watching football. What a lazy fuck!

How can we trust someone that even failed to run a food truck!

I'm in charge of Hong Kong, starting with the Queen's Pier,

And I achieved more than this glorified accountant in ten years!

Unlike you, Jasper, or Donald, I'll get the job done!

Starting from the age of six, I'm always number one.

And I won't start losing to a cheap skate only doing PR stunts!

I've the balls to keep this system and I'll show them up front!

I see through all your lies like Regina Ip's intestines!

Like a Jewish mother, I'll beat down all of my opponents!

Your team can't help you now to make some viral video,

While the Liaison office got my back, so let me see how you flow!

John Tsang: (1:04)
My Lord, I believe in you; please help my unbelief in

That you allow her to run, giving her the biggest a-Chief-ment!

We connect? Let's 曾 connect and hear about your thoughts.

My support is all the way to Tin Shiu Wai. The votes from Beijing are all you got!

I'm reading mean comment. Your face turn white as you see one.

But if you still wants beef, I’ll fire back right at ya with my hand gun!

You're a sour control freak, whining on questions are uneven,

And you will go down as a dickless secretary just like Stephen!

The eggs that you’ve tossed couldn’t land on my face.

You can't handle Hong Kong if you're too tired to win this race!

I devoted my whole life for the poisoned middle class.

While you're a nanny and a servant, so you should drink to that!

It'll be a shame to drink...... Just cut her mic. I can tell she is bluffing.

‘Cause my boldness will arrive when one desires nothing!

To win or not to win, it's up to you, not on me.

Just read your votes out loud, and everyone will see!

Xi Jinping: (1:47)
The result is not up to you two, committee, or the working class.

It won't get you anywhere unless you kiss my ass!

Be thankful that I took that bastard out of this election.

So don't fuck up my cash cow and drive it toward destruction!

Listen up John! You're not selling me a dream!

Stop you marketing campaign, cause you won't win over this regime.

You try to unite Hong Kong by appealing to the mass,

but end up with a mess bigger than the one on Carrie's desk!

Now hi auntie Carrie! Can't you just stay away from MTR?

You might be a fighter but you will never be the biggest star!

The problem that's up to your nose is everyone's anger.

So stop acting like you're Oprah or buying toilet paper!

I need you two to fix Hong Kong's problem, not be a CY 2.0.

And I don't want anymore trouble like protest on Harcourt Road!

There's only one child will win, and I got the answer!

Who will be the Chief Executive? Tell'em announcer! Rap meaning=

Carrie Lam:
'''Cover your face with an IPad. I'm about to spit some fine rhyme. '''

(Lam is saying that Tsang should get protection as she begin to rap. In many of Tsang's campaign videos, the interviewees first cover their face with an IPad displaying a picture of Tsang.)

'''Your platform? Fishy. Campaign? Corny. You can't put a price on mine!'''

(Lam is claiming that Tsang's platform is not feasible, as Lam's and Tsang's is very different. Tsang's campaign focused on being emotional and sentimental which Lam said it's cliche. She then compare both of theirs and claims hers is better than Tsang's. The whole line is a reference on the time that Tsang can't states the price of "Fish Fillet in Sweet Corn Sauce", a common dish for the middle class, despite Tsang claim he is a down to earth politician.)

'''I don't need my husband. This bad bitch is the modern Wu Zetian. '''

(During Tsang's campaign, Tsang's wife, Lynn Tsang, often come along with Tsang, even featured in one of Tsang's campaign video. In contrast, Lam's husband, Lam Siu-por, never shows up during Lam's campaign other than that one letter. She then compare herself with Wu Zetian, the first and only female Emperor in Chinese history, saying she is a powerful female leader.)

I'll fire this small potato and stuff you inside a Pringle can!

(Before Tsang resigned his position, he was the Financial Secretary of Hong Kong, Lam has mentioned before if she win the election, she will not appoint the role of Financial Secretary to Tsang, making him jobless. Lam then says Tsang is a nobody as she calls Tsang a "small potato", a reference to Tsang nickname "Mr Potato Chips" and "Uncle Pringles" for his moustache looks similar to one worn by the character on Pringles' packaging.)

'''You spend your whole day watching football. What a lazy fuck!'''

(Tsang has shown support of local culture and event, posting a picture of him watching the Hong Kong football team competing with another team (idk I don't watch sport). Tsang has been criticised for being lazy as the Financial Secretary.)

How can we trust someone that even failed to run a food truck!

(Lam is telling the public that Tsang is not trustworthy and can't do his job. She gave the example of Tsang's proposal of having food truck in Hong Kong. The proposal later failed as it faces many problem including the limits of its location, the price of the food, its fee and many regulations for the food truck owners.)

I'm in charge of Hong Kong, starting with the Queen's Pier,

(Lam's first major role in Hong Kong government is the Secretary for Development. As the Secretary for Development, Lam oversaw the demolition of the landmark Edinburgh Place Ferry Pier for the Star Ferry and the Queen's Pier, which triggered occupation protests by the conservationists. Lam is claiming that starting from her first job, she has power over Hong Kong.)

And I achieved more than this glorified accountant in ten years!

(In the last ten years, Lam has been the Chief Secretary for Administration and the Secretary for Development, while Tsang has been the Financial Secretary for ten years. Lam expressed that she has more achievements than Tsang, mocking him a for only being in a position of the government's accountant.)

Unlike you, Jasper, or Donald, I'll get the job done!

(This is a reference to the other two man with the first name Tsang in government, Jasper Tsang Yok-sing, the previous President of the Legislative Council of Hong Kong, and Donald Tsang, the second Chief Executive of Hong Kong. Both have met with controversies during their career, such as Donald's recent imprisonment for his corruption claim. Lam is saying that Tsang is similar to both of them. Lam however is not like the three men, instead she can be productive as the Chief Executive. "I'll get the job done" is Donald Tsang's famous slogan for his second election.)

'''Starting from the age of six, I'm always number one. '''

(Lam has claimed that she is a competitive person and has been the first in class since primary school.)

And I won't start losing to a cheap skate only doing PR stunts!

(Lam is saying that like she in the past, she will be the winner of the election and defect Tsang. Many have criticised Tsang for being a miser and not providing more welfare to the citizens. Lam then criticise Tsang for only doing PR stunts and not doing what an actual candidate can do.)

I've the balls to keep this system and I'll show them up front!

(Lam has been very vocal about keeping the "One Country Two Systems", a somewhat controversial topic, during the election, even mentioning it in a love letter from her husband.)

I see through all your lies like Regina Ip's intestines!

(Lam is claiming that everything Tsang has promised or talked about is a lie, and she can expose all of his lies. Regina Ip, one of the losing candidate in the primary election, once posted pictures of her colonoscopy on her Facebook and accidentally showed her ID number. Again, it is mocked by the public for the stupidity of the event, as Ip was the Secretary for Security and she leaked her own ID number.)

Like a Jewish mother, I'll beat down all of these opponents!

(During the Umbrella Revolution, the previous Commissioner of Police Tsang Wai Hung Andy responses to the controversy of police use of force by saying the police are a caring mother towards to protesters, which of course is mocked by the public. The satisfaction rate of the police force has declined recently and after the trial of the beating of the protester Ken Tsang resulted in the seven police sentenced to two years of imprisonment, a police officer compared the Hong Kong Police Force with the Jewish in WW2, saying that they are being oppressed and hated upon, which again, get mocked by the public. Lam is saying like the Hong Kong Police Force, she will beat, or defect, and of her opponents, including Tsang and Woo. I know it sounds bad but I swear it wasn't.)

Your team can't help you now to make some viral video!

(Tsang's campaign videos usually were very successful on Facebook, often getting 500k views. Lam is stating that all of his popularity is due to his team. Without his team, he will lose immediately.)

While the Liaison office got my back, so let me see how you flow!

(Lam is comparing Tsang's team with her support from the Liaison Office, saying she has a much bigger power behind her. Liaison Office of the Central People's Government in the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region, often being criticised for being a "second government" and being a major influence over the Hong Kong politics. During the election, many has said that the Liaison Office has already decided to elect Lam.)

John Tsang:
My Lord, I believe in you; please help my unbelief in

(Tsang is a Catholic, so he quoted “I believe; help my unbelief”, a sentence from Mark 9:24 from the bible.)

That you allow her to run, giving her the biggest a-Chief-ment!

(He continues to ask God about Lam’s claim that God told her join the election and said that Lam running for the Chief Executive will be the biggest achievement in her career, meaning she won't win the race. He is also making a pun with “achievement” and “Chief [Secretary]”, Lam’s former job.)

'''We connect? Let's 曾 connect and hear about your thoughts. '''

(Lam's Campaign slogan is "We connect". Part of Tsang's campaign uses "曾 connect" as a slogan for listening to other's comments and criticisms. The slogan is a pun on Tsang's first name and "actually connects" in Cantonese.)

'''My support is all the way to Tin Shiu Wai. The votes from Beijing are all you got. '''

(Tsang reference the incident which during Lam's campaign she never went to Tin Shiu Wai, saying that Tin Shiu Wai is too far away and she is too tired to visit the residents there.  saying that he is able to get the citizen of Hong Kong's support by listening to the people's request and visiting different districts, even some place that's far away like Tin Shiu Wai. Tsang added to the point, saying that Lam's approval would not be high, stating that in the primary voting process, Lam got all her votes from the pro-establishment camp, which would most likely abide to the Central Government.)

'''I'm reading mean comment. Your face turns white as you see one. '''

(Tsang is showing the contrast between his and Lam's attitude toward comment apposing themselves. Inspired by Jimmy Kimmel Live ' s segment, in one of Tsang's campaign video, he read some of the mean comment left by the people against him, showing him that he can take a joke and accept criticism. In a debate with Tsang, Lam claimed Josephine Siao, a film star and a supporter of Lam that were interviewed in one of her campaign video, is a victim of white terror, saying that Siao received some which she misunderstood the meaning of the phrase. Tsang (in real life, not here) then taunt her by saying the government’s attempt to deny the opinions on the Internet is an example of white terror.)

But if you still wants beef, I’ll fire back right at ya with my hand gun!

(Tsang once “shot” at Albert Chan Wai Yip, a member of the political party, People Power, with his fingers, when Chan insulted CY after a Q&A session in LegCo, as in implying that he didn’t care about the insults. This is also a pun on Albert Chan Wai Yip's name, as Albert Yip in Cantonese sounds similar to the Cantonese of tripe, a cattle's stomach.)

You're a sour control freak, whining on questions are uneven

(Many former subordinate of Lam's said Lam is very controlling on every work, making her difficult to work with. “Sour grape” is an old fable, in which a hungry fox noticed a bunch of juicy grapes hanging from a vine. After several failed attempts to reach the grapes, the fox gave up and insisted that he didn't want them anyway because they were probably sour. In Hong Kong, the losing candidate in the primary election, Regina Yip, always acted sour towards other candidates, thus citizens mocked her as “Grape (葡萄撚)”. In the last debate, 19 of the question asked were asked by the pro-democracy camp while only 2 were asked by the pro-establishment camp. Lam then accused the box to pick to question from are not even and should be investigated. (Cause this whole system's rigged, and we all know the riggers!))

And you will go down as a dickless secretary just like Stephen!

(This is Gab's favourite line, and here is why: Stephen Lam was the Chief Secretary before he was replaced by Carrie Lam. Stephen was nicknamed “林公公”. “公公” is a reference to Ancient Chinese servants, who would have their penises chopped off, meaning Stephen “does not have a dick/penis”; Carrie is regarded as a dickless, or a horrible, person due to her popularity among the public has been decreasing lately. So Carrie is in some way similar to Stephen.)

The eggs that you’ve tossed couldn’t land on my face.

(Tsang was once a target of egg-tossing during a district forum. To “have egg on one’s face” means to be embarrassed by something one has done.)

You can't handle Hong Kong if you're too tired to win this race!

(Tsang is referencing Lam's incident with Tin Shiu Wai. It were criticised by the public that despite saying that she is a hardworking, down to earth politician, she wouldn't not spend time meeting the citizens.)

I devoted my whole life for the poisoned middle class.

(Tsang is seen as a down-to-earth and friendly politician. He promise he will do anything to help the public.)

While you're a nanny and a servant, so you should drink to that!

(Lam is described as a “nanny” (奶媽) both positively and negatively. To “drink to that” means to show agreement to an idea.)

Carrie Lam:
It'll be a shame to drink-

(Lam attempted to rebut against Tsang's last line, but saying it will be a shame to agree with that claim. During the heavy metal in drinking water incident, residents of the contaminated building requested government officials to drink the contaminated water, to protest for a quicker solution to the problem. Lam then said the residents are shaming the government officials. It was criticised by the public for being too egotistic.)

John Tsang:
'''Just cut her mic. I can tell she is bluffing'''

(In one of the debate, Lam interrupted Tsang's time to speak. Tsang then told the moderator to cut off Lam's mic. Many people criticise Lam's way of answering the question in the debates is by saying divert attention to another subject. Tsang is calling out Lam that she doesn't actually answer the problem is and avoiding it, like the heavy metal in drinking water incident mentioned before.)

Cause my boldness will arrive when one desires nothing!

(Lam once quoted a famous quote from Ancient Chinese couplet, and altered it into “Boldness comes when government officials desire nothing.”, during the Lead Water Incident. It was criticised by citizens, as she claimed that the incident was just a mountain made out of a molehill by the opposing political party.)

To win or not to win, it's up to you, not on me,

(“To be or not to be” is a famous quote in the Shakespearean play, “Hamlet”. Tsang once altered the quote to “To run or not to run” when asked if he’s going to run for the Chief Executive of HK. He altered once again changing “run” to “win” and states the result depends on what Lam will do. He then explains it in the next line.)

Just read your votes out loud, and everyone will see!

(The number of Lam's nomination is 579. People then mock the number as it sounds similar to "not fucking stupid enough" in Cantonese. Moreover, the number of Lam's vote is 777, which again, mocked by the public as 7 in Cantonese sounds similar to a swear word in Cantonese that can be loosely translated as "dickhead". Tsang is saying that the chance of him winning is not up to him, instead is up to how will Lam act.)

Xi Jinping:
The result is not up to you two, committee, or the working class.

(Xi is saying that it is not Lam, Tsang, the Election Committee, or the people of Hong Kong that decide who will be the winner. He then explain it in the next line.)

It won't get you anywhere unless you kiss my ass!

(Xi is stating that he will have the final decision on the winner, so both of the candidates should fawn over Xi to win.)

Be thankful that I took that bastard out of this election.

(Xi is claiming that he did Lam and Tsang a favour for not letting CY Leung campaign for another term. CY Leung, the current Chief Executive, announced he would not run for a second term, making him the first Chief Executive not to do so. Due to his number of vote in the election and his low satisfaction rate throughout his term, he has earned the nickname of "Bastard".)

So don't fuck up my cash cow and drive it toward destruction!

(Hong Kong is one of the world's most significant financial centres, with the highest Financial Development Index score and consistently ranks as the world's most competitive and freest economic entity. During CY Leung's term, many protests and activities that were against the government. Many has said that the protests will prevent Hong Kong's economic growth. Xi is ordering both of the candidates don't ruin Hong Kong's economic growth like CY did.)

'''Listen up John! You're not selling me a dream!'''

(Tsang's campaign is mostly positive and mainly focused on how he would change Hong Kong to be a better city. Xi is states that what Tsang said is just a dream and it's not feasible.)

Stop you marketing campaign, cause you won't win over this regime.

(Xi is calling Tsang's campaign just a marketing ploy, and tell him to stop, because he will not get the like of the Communist Party of China.)

You try to unite Hong Kong by appealing to the mass,

(Tsang's campaign focuses toward the general public, instead of the Election Committee, and the message of the campaign is to unite Hong Kong as in recent years, Hong Kong has become divided with many different political views.)

But end up with a mess bigger than the one on Carrie's desk!

(While Tsang has many supporters from both side of the political view, he also has many opposers for various reason. Xi is saying that despite Tsang's purpose is to unite Hong Kong, he ended up doing the opposite. During the last debate, Lam mentioned that Tsang's desk is very clean, compared to hers which is covered with files. She wants to demonstrate that she is a hard worker and needed to constantly check the files on different subject, while Tsang is lazy. Then people found out that Xi has previously talked about the importance of a clean desk for one's working quality.)

'''Now hi auntie Carrie! Can't you just stay away from MTR?'''

''(Xi's introduction toward Lam by first calling her "auntie Carrie". "Hi auntie" is an internet slang, meaning "fuck your mother". This is a reference from a Facebook post from Joshua Wong during the government and the HKFS the first round of talks in a televised open debate in the umbrella revolution. He started the post by saying "Hi auntie Carrie", dissatisfied with the government during the debate. Xi then references Lam's two incidents with MTR: Lam once trying to appeal to the general by taking the MTR, but ended up making a fool of herself as she doesn't know how to use an Octopus card. The other incident happened when Lam was the Chief Secretary for Administration. Hong Kong Palace Museum was a controversial subject, including when the government took out one of the most expensive advertising space in Central MTR (I think? Two giant billboard in one of the busiest stations must be expensive) with a display of Tiananmen Square, which caused controversy as many think the billboards is wasting a large amount of money that can spend on welfare and the government.)''

You might be a fighter but you will never be the biggest star!

(Lam often said she is very fightable, showing that she is a strong female and a powerful leader. On the flag of China, the larger star symbolizes the Communist Party of China, while the four smaller stars that surround the big star symbolize the four social classes. Xi claims that despite Lam's effort, she will never have any position in the Communist Party of China.)

'''The problem that's up to your nose is everyone's anger. '''

(During one of the debate, Tsang states on the Facebook live broadcast of the debate, the amount of angry Emoji is so large that it reaches up to Lam's nose, proofing her low satisfaction rate within the public.)

So stop acting like you're Oprah or buying toilet paper!

(Due to her low satisfaction rate and having an reputation of being in an ivory tower, Lam often visit residential districts, or releasing statement that talk about she is down to earth, but many of her plan backfired. The first incident referenced in the line is when Lam gave $500 to a homeless person from the mainland, and nothing to others. Xi is calling out that Lam is just acting like Oprah Winfrey and be generous. The other incident referenced is when Lam once went to a 7-11 to buy toilet paper soon after her resignation, only to find out that convenience stores do not sell toilet paper, instead they sell tissues. This was criticised by the public as unaware of real life.) 

I need you two to fix Hong Kong's problem, not be a CY 2.0.

(Many problems in Hong Kong, including protests and civil unrest during CY's term, policy concerning the future of Hong Kong and the relationship between HK and china, were focus point of this election Due to CY and Lam's low approval rate, many citizens uses "CY 2.0" to describe Lam.)

And I don't want anymore trouble like protest on Harcourt Road!

(Xi is telling the two candidates that he doesn't want more problem like the one during CY's term by referencing the Umbrella Revolution, which the main camp of the protest is on Harcourt Road outside of the Central Government Offices and Legislative Council Complex.)

There's only one child will win, and I got the answer!

(A reference to China's "One Child Policy". Xi is saying that he has the result of the election.)

'''Who will be the Chief Executive? Tell'em announcer!'''

(Xi command the announcer to announce the result of the 2017 Chief Executive election. Instead of saying "You decide", the announcer said "Xi decide", showing Xi's power over the election and the battle.)

WHO WON?

XI DECIDE!

EPIC

(Xi hops on a tank, flipping them off and rides off.)

FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!

FAIL BATTLES OF HISTORY

WHO WON? Carrie Lam John Tsang Xi Jinping