User blog:Teddyfail/Cloverfield vs Blair Witch - Epic Fail Battles of History

I don't even care how obvious the connection is, found footage horror villains. I can't think of another opponents for both of them that I like.

It's the witch haunting the forest of Burkittsville, Maryland, the Blair Witch, rapping against the mysterious sea creature, Clover (or Cloverfield, or whatever, he doesn't have a name), to see who is the true monster of the found footage films.

Oh and thanks to Flats for some of the joke idea I "borrowed". Totally didn't read your battles. For real tho read his better battle but not before mine because mine is shit

Please leave some comment on how to improve my battle. I realise read others battle doesn't reallly help.

Cast
Kimmy Gatewood as The Blair Witch

EpicLLOYD as Cloverfield (voice)

Someone to animate Cloverfield and Sharknado

The battle
EPIC FAIL BATTLES OF HISTORY

BLAIR WITCH 

VS

CLOVERFIELD

BEGIN

(Beat starts at 0:22)

The battle=

Cloverfield
Once I step into the city, I'm reeking havoc and I'm reckless.

You're a fish out of water and I've eaten bigger one for breakfast!

I'm not some boogeywoman bullshit. I'm the Cthulhu from abyss,

And I'll have you puke your guts out, make it an external oesophagus!

Started as an overrated snuff film, now you're just another horror flick.

Stealing Cannibal Holocaust gimmick to using MC Esher trick!

They scream when I Roar! Your lore is shit on you not touching floor.

Expose this witch? Why don't you check the all Razzie that you scored.

The creature rage on Seabed's Nectar. Guess who can bring the chill.

Not this hermit skeleton, the humongous kaiju will.

I live in the ocean. You're in creeks, dragging kiddies by their hand!

Your cult is flimsy and rotten. I got people worship me in Japan!

All the shitty monster from Syfy, you're the worst one I've seen.

Cara Delevingne is more interesting, and she comes with a sky beam!

You ain't sick, witch. You're a basic bitch. I'm more scared by your sequels' pitch!

You killed off your director's career. I'll go off, making JJ rich!

The Blair Witch
I'm the raging spirit, seeking revenge after I'm deceased,

While you're just trying to find your mother in your January release.

But when you face the mother of found footage, you'll vanish out of sight.

Cause I take little brads like you and draw your blood out like your parasites!

I'll plaster your face on a missing poster to make you much more realistic.

You're a CGI mess. I'm not on screen but still can make people panic!

You're a goofy Muppets Take Manhattan so when you step into The Wood,

Your mom gonna get sympathy card from her friend and neighbourhood!

You terrorise New York but you're not even close to that guerrilla,

And smack down Brooklyn Bridge again doesn't make you Godzilla!

Even ramming through buildings, recreating 9/11,

But still can't match the time I went ham and slaughtered the Burkittsville Seven!

They call you Mr. Grumpy Pants? For a villain, you need a timeout!

Your whole backstory is a joke. This supersized frog will lose this rhyme bout!

All I see from you is lens flair. I just needed branches, teeth and hair,

And I bring out all the scare, horrified the town of Blair!

Cloverfield
Your sticks and stone can't break my bone. The army will never stop my path.

So use your voodoo shit to snap my back. I'll just chomp your ass in half!

Talk about thrills, you're not even the 10th but this is Cloverfield's Lane!

While Paranormal Activity gave your legacy a pee stain!

The Blair Witch
Read a Book, know you're in the Shadow of the Blair Witch too.

You're such an atrocity the first time. In the sequel, they ditch you!

And you're never in the spotlight, from MySpace to your movie.

They vowed never to utter my name cause they're all scared of me.

Cloverfield
But the only thing people knows about you is a face full of snots,

While me spitting out the face of Liberty is my famous shot!

They say she's a game changer, but you can just change her,

To any monster chasing teenagers who got lost in the nature!

The Blair Witch
I'm the mastermind of a masterpiece. You're the fifth wheel of a rom com.

It fits you to put your trailers right before two Michael Bay bombs!

From your seabed to your death bed, I'll have your cradle and Coffin Rocked,

Cause I'm breaking more grounds than when this kid got Lost in New York.

Cloverfield
Yes, you did more damage even though I crushed an oil drill,

Cause you ruined the horror genre after you ruined Burkittsville!

So you wanna [Rec] this thick skinned beast, you must be completely backward!

I'm still alive and will ruin your good day, Elly Kedward!

The Blair Witch
This MC's HAMMERDOWN will destroy you like a Bloody Diamond!

I'm making banks with my existence. Now come down to the basement.

You're under my control. Your Rustin' fish brain is just sub Parr,

Cause I've been dropping dope bar like how you'll drop your camera!

Rap meaning=

Cloverfield
Once I step into the city, I'm reeking havoc and I'm reckless.

You're a fish out of water and I've eaten bigger one for breakfast!

("Fish out of water" comedy is a type a comedy that usually features a character in an unusual environment. Clover is claiming that the Blair Witch is unfit to fight him. The Blair Witch is from a small town, which is could be similar to a character in a fish out water comedy, while Clover completely destroyed Manhattan in his film. In the viral marketing campaign, news clips showed Clover eats whales for food. Also, fish pun. )

'''I'm not some boogeywoman bullshit. I'm the Cthulhu from abyss,'''

(Many residents in Burkittsville treats the legend of the Blair Witch as stories preventing children to go out at night. Clover's appearence bares resemblance to Cthulhu.)

And I'll have you puke your guts out, make it an external oesophagus!

(Cloverfield has caused motion sickness for the audience because of its camera movement. Clover has an "external oesophagus" between his leg. It's a pun on the phrase "puke your guts out".)

Started as an overrated snuff film, now you're just another horror flick.

(Clover is saying that The Blair Witch Project were overrated, and the sequel Blair Witch, which has received mostly negative reviews, was just like any recent found footage horror movie, losing the uniqueness of the first film.)

Stealing Cannibal Holocaust gimmick to using MC Esher trick!

(The Blair Witch Project took many inspiration from Cannibal Holocaust. In Blair Witch, one of the character keep running up the same stairs several times, similar to the Penrose Steps made by MC Escher. Now that I'm explaining it, I realise doesn't make much sense as I thought, it still kinda make sense.)

'''They scream when I Roar! Your lore is shit on you not touching floor.'''

(Roar! is the name of the end credit music in Cloverfield. In Blair Witch's lore, her feet never touch the floor.)

'''Expose this witch? Why don't you check the all Razzie that you scored.'''

(Blair Witch died by exposure after being banished out of town. The Blair Witch Project was nominated for the Worst Picture and won the Worst Actress Razzie, an award in recognition of the worst in film.)

'''The creature rage on Seabed's Nectar. Guess who can bring the chill. '''

(Seabed's Nectar is a fictional the secret ingredient in the Cloverfield universe. It is said that it need to be kept under extreme cold temperatures, and could turn the consumer aggressive. Clover consumed large amounts of Seabed's Nectar before arriving in Manhattan.)

'''Not this hermit skeleton, the humongous kaiju will. '''

'''I live in the ocean. You're in creeks, dragging kiddies by their hand!'''

(One of the Blair Witch's victim, Eileen Treacle was drowned in Tappy East Creek. The Blair Witch reach up out of the water and pull the girl under. Clover is saying that the Blair Witch is like a pedophile.)

'''Your cult is flimsy and rotten. I got people worship me in Japan!'''

(The Blair Witch Cult is a fictional book that told of the trial of Elly Kedward, her execution and supposed “rebirth,” as well as the curse on the entire town. It contained the first recorded use of the term “Blair Witch.” On the Blair Witch website, the book is shown to be old and rotten. In the Cloverfield/Kishin manga, Clover has a mysterious cult that worship him to purify Japan.)

All the shitty monster from Syfy, you're the worst one I've seen.

(The Curse of Blair Witch is a documentary on Blair Witch's lore. It aired on the Syfy channel before the release of The Blair Witch Project. Syfy has also release some bad monster movies, most notably, Sharknado. Clover is saying that even comparing Blair Witch with those purposefully bad monsters, she is still worse than them. This is where Sharknado would make his cameo appearance of this is a video.)

Cara Delevingne is more interesting, and she comes with a sky beam!

(This is referencing the film Suicide Squad ' s Enchantress played by Cara Delevingne. She is one of the most basic villain in recent history. Clover emphasis that by adding her big plan is to destroy the world with a sky beam, which is like a store bought version of villain plan. All and all, Clover is saying Blair Witch is shit and basic. Interestingly, both Suicide Squad and Blair Witch were release in 2016.#Altfact )

'''You ain't sick, witch. You're a basic bitch. I'm more scared by your sequels' pitch!'''

(Both of Blair Witch's sequels, Book of Shadow: Blair Witch 2 and Blair Witch, received bad reviews and performed poorly in the box office. Clover is saying that just the idea of cash-grab sequels of The Blair Witch Project is scarier than the Blair Witch.)

'''You killed off your director's career. I'll go off, making JJ rich!'''

(Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sánchez, the directors of 'The Blair Witch Project don't have much work after the film. J.J. Abrams, the producer (Flats is fake news) of Cloverfield.)''

The Blair Witch
I'm the raging spirit, seeking revenge after I'm deceased,

While you're just trying to find your mother in your January release.

(Clover's backstory is that he is lost and scared when arrived at Manhattan. Cloverfield is released in January which is usually the shitty movie dumping season.)

But when you face the mother of found footage, you'll vanish out of sight.

(In Blair Witch, her victims immediately disappeared when they look her in the eye.)

Cause I take little brads like you and draw your blood out like your parasites!

(The Blair Witch was accused of take blood from children in the town of Blair, thus sentenced to death and become the Blair Witch. On Clover's body, there is parasites that their bite can cause its victim to explode, causing major blood lost.)

I'll plaster your face on a missing poster to make you much more realistic.

(The three actors from The Blair Witch Project were printed on missing poster to make the film more convincing. The Blair Witch is also implying that she will kill Clover like the three characters from her film.)

'''You're a CGI mess. I'm not on screen but still can make people panic!'''

(Continued from the last line, the Blair Witch is still dissing Clover that he looks fake. The Blair Witch was never on screen in The Blair Witch Project.)

You're a goofy Muppets Take Manhattan so when you step into The Wood,

(The Blair Witch is referencing this. She is saying Clover is not scary and he is more goofy than Muppets Take Manhattan. The Wood is the faux title for Blair Witch.)

Your mom gonna get sympathy card from her friend and neighbourhood!

(This. The Blair Witch is saying Clover will end up like Heather.)

You terrorise New York but you're not even close to that guerrilla,

(This is referencing King Kong, an ape (close enough to a gorilla). It is a pun on Guerrilla filmmaking is a term use to describe film like The Blair Witch Project that has low budgets, skeleton crews, and simple props.)

And smack down Brooklyn Bridge again doesn't make you Godzilla!

(J.J. Abrams said that the inspiration for Cloverfield is that America don't have a monster character like Godzilla. The Blair Witch is saying Clover failed that task as he is way too similar to most monster movies like destroying Brooklyn Bridge.)

Even ramming through buildings, recreating 9/11,

(The scene where Clover destroyed the Woolworth Building and it collapsed, it resembled 9/11.)

But still can't match the time I went ham and slaughtered the Burkittsville Seven!

(The Burkittsville 7 was another faux documentary that examined the seven children that Rustin Parr murdered.)

'''They call you Mr. Grumpy Pants? For a villain, you need a timeout!'''

(Since Clover never has a official name in Cloverfield, part of the fans use the name Mr. Grumpy Pants. In Blair Witch, Blair Witch would have her victim faces the corner when she starts her murdering. Timeout is when parents have their children punished by putting them in a corner. The Blair Witch, an adult, is saying that Clover, a kid, being the villain of his movie but still has such a laughable name, needs to be punished, and showing her superiority over Clover.)

'''Your whole backstory is a joke. This supersized frog will lose this rhyme bout!'''

(Clover is an amphibian, and can jump up into the air like a frog.)

'''All I see from you is lens flair. I just needed branches, teeth and hair,'''

(Abrams' signature look in his film is lens flair. Two scenes from The Blair Witch Project and Blair Witch (the back breaking scene in the trailer) uses those simple items to create the scare.)

And I bring out all the scare, horrified the town of Blair!

(The year after the exile of the Blair Witch, all of her accusers and half the town's children vanished without a trace. The townspeople immediately feared that a curse fled the town of Blair.

Cloverfield
'''Your sticks and stone can't break my bone. The army will never stop my path.'''

(Blair Witch's totem is made from sticks and stones. In Cloverfield, the army faces Clover in the street. The army uses many weapons to stop him but Clover still walks through the street without stopping.)

'''So use your voodoo shit to snap my back. I'll just chomp your ass in half!'''

(In the back breaking scene in Blair Witch, the Blair Witch uses voodoo. In Cloverfield Hud is bitten in half by Clover. He is saying that he will use brutal force to finish the job, unlike the Blair Witch using difficult method.)

Talk about thrills, you're not even the 10th but this is Cloverfield's Lane!

(A pun on sequel of Cloverfield, 10 Cloverfield Lane. Clover is saying that Blair Witch can't bring the thrills while it is where Clover exceeds in.)

While Paranormal Activity gave your legacy a pee stain!

(Paranormal Activity, like The Blair Project, has a low budge, quite, found footage horror film. Its sequels, however, didn't receive much good reviews like the first film. Clover is saying Blair Witch's reputation, the found footage genre, is ruined by other cheaply made horror films.)

The Blair Witch
'Read a Book, know you're in the Shadow of the Blair Witch too''. '''

(A pun on the sequel of The Blair Witch Project, Book of Shadow: Blair Witch 2. Blair Witch is responding Clover's last line, saying that Cloverfield was also influenced by The Blair Witch Project. )

'''You're such an atrocity the first time. In the sequel, they ditch you!'''

(Clover is not in 10 Cloverfield Lane.)

And you're never in the spotlight, from MySpace to your movie.

(The internet marketing campaign of Cloverfield was focused on Tagruato and T.I.D.O. Wave, rarely on Clover. MySpace was used as part of the internet marketing campaign. The movie Cloverfield were mostly focused on its human characters and not Clover.)

They vowed never to utter my name cause they're all scared of me.

(The people of Blair were scared of the Blair Witch after half the town's children vanished without a trace. They immediately feared that a curse fled Blair, vowing never to utter the name "Elly Kedward" again. (Yes I just copy the wiki cause I'm lazy))

Cloverfield
But the only thing people knows about you is a face full of snots,

(Referencing the famous scene in The Blair Witch Project.)

While me spitting out the face of Liberty is my famous shot!

(I think this is the most famous scene in Cloverfield?)

They say she's a game changer, but you can just change her,

(Many people said that The Blair Witch Project is a game changer for horror movies.)

To any monster chasing teenagers who got lost in the nature!

(Continuing from the last line, Clover said that even though her film is so unique, her role in the film is very redundant and basic that any other monster can be her role.)

The Blair Witch
'''I'm the mastermind of a masterpiece. You're the fifth wheel of a rom com.'''

(The Blair Witch is claiming that she is the mastermind of The Blair Witch Project, while Clover is just a side character in a below average film.)

It fits you to put your trailers right before two Michael Bay bombs!

(The first trailer from Cloverfield is released before Transformer. A trailer for 10 Cloverfield Lane in released before 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi. Both of the film were directed by Michael Bay. The Blair Witch is saying that Clover is fit for a movie made by a trashy director like Michael Bay.)

From your seabed to your death bed, I'll have your cradle and Coffin Rocked,

(Again, Clover is a small kid. Cradle would be a place for Clover to sleep in. Since Clover comes from the sea, his cradle would be a seabed (a pun haha). Coffin Rock is a location in the Blair Witch universe.)

'Cause I'm breaking more grounds than when this kid got Lost in New York''. '''

(The Blair Witch is saying that her film is more revolutionary, or ground breaking, than Clover literally destroy the ground of Manhattan. The Blair Witch is comparing his movie with Home Alone 2: Lost in New York and saying Cloverfield is childish.)

Cloverfield
Yes, you did more damage even though I crushed an oil drill,

(When Clover was first awaken from his "hibernation", he immediately destroyed that oil drill on top of him. Usually an oil drill disaster leads to severe damage to the nature.)

Cause you ruined the horror genre after you ruined Burkittsville!

(Clover claims that the found footage, popularised by The Blair Witch Project, has ruined the horror genre. The Blair Witch Project ' s fans stormed Burkittsville to found out if the film is real and stole signs when the film was first released.)

'''So you wanna [Rec] this thick skinned beast? You must be completely backward!'''

([Rec] is another found footage horror movie. It's a pun on its name. Clover is saying that if she want to wreck Clover, she would get wrecked by Clover instead.)

I'm still alive and will ruin your good day, Elly Kedward!

(In the end of the end credit of Cloverfield, a voice that if played in reverse, it says "It's still alive". The last line in Cloverfield is "I had a good day." And Clover's last line is referencing that. Rlly Kedward is the Blair Witch's real name.)

The Blair Witch
This MC's HAMMER-DOWN will destroy you like a Bloody Diamond!

(In the end of Cloverfield, the military executed the HAMMER-DOWN Protocol. This is a pun of MC Hammer's name. In the film, Marlena Diamond got bitten by one of Clover's parasites. She end up having her body bursted and splattering blood across a curtain. This is a reference to the film Blood Diamond''. (Why did I do reference a film that has nothing to do with them? Idfk. I just think it's funny.))''

'''I'm making banks with my existence. Now come down to the basement. '''

(This film was in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Top Budget: Box Office Ratio" (for a mainstream feature film). The film cost $60,000 to make and made back $248 million, a ratio of $1 spent for every $10,931 made. Many of the Blair Witch's murders happened in the basement.)

'''You're under my control. Your Rustin' fish brain is just sub Parr,'''

(Rustin Parr, the murderer of the Burkittsville seven, claims he is controlled by the Blair Witch during the killing. It's a pun on his name.)

Cause I've been dropping dope bar like how you'll drop your camera!

(The Blair Witch Project, ends with Heather then screams as she and her camera drop to the floor. The Blair Witch is saying she will kill Clover in the basement like how she did to Heather.)

WHO WON?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC ugh....*vomits*

(The camera is shaking, making it hard to see the logo.)

Fail battles of history.....

WHO WON? Cloverfield Blair Witch