User blog:Awesomesix/Awesome Rap Battles CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: Vanilla Ice vs Macklemore?

So, this is a special battle. Like Slenderman vs Jack, it was an old, normal battle in my original series, but when remade, it got a better story. It's inspiried, if not obvious, by Trump vs Scrooge and A Christmas Carol. So, without further ado... my second holiday special, Vanilla Ice vs Macklemore.

Note: Andre is a narrator, to clarify.

Battle
Andre 3000:

It was a late, somber, night, a cold Christmas Eve.

Vanilla Ice was asleep livin’ the Amish dream.

Little did he know, that that night, he would meet,

A man named Ben, that would awake him to a treat.

Macklemore:

Hey, Ice, get up, I got a message to deliver. It’s important.

Vanilla Ice:

Ugh, dude, couldn’t this wait until morning?

Macklemore:

I’ve seen you’re a crap rapper, so I came to pay you a visit,

I got the spirits to raise the ceiling, now listen up for a minute.

Many people call you crap, but I’ve come to be constructive,

I don’t mean to bug your sleeping career, but I need to interrupt this,

So every hour that passes by, you’ve got someone comin’,

I’m the Informer, just call me Snow, this is your first instruction:

You’re simple. You need to amp the message you’re demonstrating.

Take it from the man who gives  same love to all the population.

Leave ‘em Hooked, like I did, give a reason for recognition.

Don’t crack Under Pressure, Open Your Eyes to great composition.

Now, just do that, and you’ll be speaking my language.

I gotta go now, I think I’ve finished explaining.

Andre 3000:

And with the snap of a finger, Macklemore left the room.

And, a lost little boy, what was Robert van Winkle to do?

He was confused and annoyed, he was awoken from slumber,

Poor Vanilla thought the farm work had done him a number.

So the man asked himself

Vanilla Ice:

Man, what the hell was that about? How did he get in?

I was just trying to sleep, and… Macklemore just stepped in.

I don’t like him anyways, he’s too preachy and pompous.

He’s broke and ill fashioned, and his rapping is just toxic and noxious.

I appreciate the fact you care for me, but you didn’t have to do this.

Does my ended career matter more than your blowing of Ryan Lewis?

I’m just going to try to sleep again, that was a little weird.

What did he even mean by “lesson”? How’d he disappear?

Andre 3000:

So, all was a hush again, until about 1 o’clock or so in the morn.

When the clock rung loud, Ice looked around, and a large figure formed.

Vanilla Ice:

Is that you, Cee-Lo?

Notorious B.I.G.:

Oh fuck no, white boy, it’s Biggie! Don’t you start fucking with me!

I shot Pac to teach the lotta you, now sit down n’ start listening!

Christopher Wallace is flawless, the ghost of the past is honest!

I deal rhymes like crack, whack up a sloppy honky unconscious.

You can’t see you’re shit, you’re as phony as Milli Vanilli,

The Big Poppa will teach Parappa how to get top bitches and billing.

You’re just a whack cracka, but I’ll give you One More Chance,

Here’s a lesson: Stick to motocross, don’t dwell in dance!

You ain’t Mind Blowin’, you can’t even be dope about the Ninja Turtles!

I Roll ‘Em Up, bitches I hit, your flick flipped, let’s hope it isn’t fertile!

I wrote the ten crack commandments, you’re furnishing cabinets!

Think you’re fly? This Bizkit stepped to the wrong whore horrorcore addict!

I got a tale to tell! Slick Rick ain’t got shit on my story. Come on!

Think you can top the Notorious? Bitch, you’re dead wrong!

Vanilla Ice:

Again? Lay off the fries, man. You look like a homely MLK.

This Tupac wannabe needs to let me get sleep, okay?

You claim to Party Bullshit, but your verse made me even more tired,

Goodnight, assholes.

Andre 3000:

And like that, he went to the sleep he desired.

Until two o’ clock, oh my, when the most noisy one came.

The Lil Jon on crack, Bam! Smack! Vanilla wasn’t slow to wake.

Busta Rhymes:

OH. MY. LORD! I’m the ghost here to represent the rap game now!

I break necks and drop jaws, I fire off whirlwind rhymes! POW!

Labeled by a public enemy, you don’t wanna be near when I get angry!

When disaster comes you’ll see me, I lead the twista and hurricanes, see?

My speed is needed to succeed in an industry with Yeezus,

And Weezy, leave you wheezing, freeze! I need to teach ya.

So sit down! WOW! Perhaps some culinary classes should be added,

I’ll give ya an Eazy E for effort, your raps are shit, mine are the baddest,

There’s a difference, it’s the simplest, but the biggest, can’t miss it,

If you skip it, you end up with this shit:

Vanilla Ice (Audio, “Play That Funky Music”):

Yo, Vanilla, kick it one time, boiiiiii!

Busta Rhymes:

You’re a sloppy wannabe, I’m a ghost, but you’re haunting me,

Fix the hairdo, and maybe I’d compare you to Bieber if he was 23.

Even Snow did time, you’re dumb and oh so lazy, you live a dull life.

You’re worse than Em on drugs, living in your Amish paradise.

Vanilla Ice:

Holy shit! You sound like chalkboard mixed with a megaphone and drunk Kanye!

You’re the one who needs to Calm Down. I just got a House of Pain!

Bust your ass out the door, you got your beat ripped by Watsky.

Half of the time you’re inaudible, so when it comes to shit, you shouldn’t be talking.

Andre 3000:

Once again, our main hero tried to catch some zees, you see.

But upon waking up he met something more scary than any of his CDs.

Slim Shady:

Hi, Robert! Do you like violence?

Want me to melt you or drive ice picks through your eyelids?

I’m here to warn you, Vanilla, don’t be shy, bitch!

I’m just a ghost, I don’t bite! Well, that’s a lie, shit.

You’re like Marky Mark, your career as a rapper was dark,

But you got even more shitty when your acting career got a start.

I can move Christopher Reeves, by kicking him, don’t say I ain’t powerful.

Vanilla Ice on DIY? Who let the douche in with his fellow power tools?

I slapped my wife, I ain’t afraid to hurt women. Get over here, let me show you!

Hell, I can share my mushrooms with you! Introduce you to dope, too!

You seem to be following my lead, I can even write a song for you, look:

“My name’s Vanilla Ice! I wrote a piece of ass then I gave up and became a cook!”

You make me look black. You’re a vegetarian? Are you trying to be killed?

I’ll leave you like Dre; in my basement!

Dr. Dre:

Help me!

Slim Shady:

Shut up, Dre! You need to chill!

Vanilla Ice:

What a mess. Were you trying to teach me not to see you as a Role Model?

Because if so, congrats. You’re the first person to convince me in this whole kebabble.

Is something supposed to come from this? I’m confused, even baffled.

This wasn’t even a battle, you guys just shat and skedaddled.

So, I guess that’s all. Thank goodness. Now I can rest in peace, at last.

Andre 3000:

I wouldn’t be so sure about that!

Vanilla Ice:

Oh, come on!

Andre 3000:

And so our spiky haired Guido could rest with what little dignity he had.

So to all a good night, and to Vanilla Ice, a good nap.

Vanilla Ice:

I hope so.

Snow:

I was informed of the battle taking on this pathetic clown!

I’ll kick this dumb fool down!

Vanilla Ice:

Snow, where the hell did you come from?

…

No, seriously, are you part of the ghosts, or what?

Snow:

I came in through the window…

John Schalabach:

What was that noise I heard, Rob?

Vanilla Ice:

Nothing.

WHO WON…

WHO’S NEXT…

TUNE IN TO FIND OUT.

AWESOME RAP BATTLES 2.0.

Who won? Vanilla Ice The Ghosts of Rap

Hint: It's fucking Peewee Herman vs Steve from Blues Clue, okay?

My finale is continental.