User blog:ERBofSmoshery/Mary vs Joseph - Epic Rap Battles of History: 2015 Christmas Special

It's Christmas time, and Mary and Joseph are about to receive the greatest news they have ever had, and it will change their lives... forever

Cast
Josie Ahlquist as Mary

EpicLLOYD as Joseph, Aristotle, and God (actor)

Anthony Padilla as Hermes

Zach Sherwin as Monsieur Thénardier

Kimmy Gatewood as Madame Thénardier (cameo)

Nice Peter as Archimedes and Caligula

Ian Hecox as Cassius Chaerea (cameo)

George Watsky as Hippocrates

Chali 2na as God (voice)

Kurt as a man named Jesus (cameo)

Plot=

Mary has just been told that she is pregnant, and goes to tell Joseph the incredible news. Unfortunately, Joseph, thinking that Mary had been unfaithful to him, reacts in a completely unexpected way to what Mary had planned, fighting and arguing with her. After Joseph leaves the scene, Hermes appears to him, representing the Angel Gabriel, and tells him to stop being so angry about the situation. Hermes tells Joseph that Mary is pregnant with the Holy Spirit, and that she had not been unfaithful to him at all. Joseph then goes back to apologise to Mary, and she suggests that they find a place to stay, as they have to return to Bethlehem. Just at that moment, Monsieur Thénardier (as the Inkeeper) appears and offers them a place in his inn. Mary and Joseph accept the offer, and Mary soon gives birth to the baby Jesus. After hearing the news from afar, Archimedes, Hippocrates, and Aristotle visit Jesus as the Three Wise Men, and offer him their praises and gifts. Hermes then appears once again, this time to the Three Wise Men, and warns them that Caligula has tricked them into telling him where Jesus is, so they prepare to set off on another route. But just as they begin to leave, Caligula himself, representing King Herod, appears and proceeds to take control over everyone's lives with his evil intentions. Then, just as he is about to finish them off for good, the clouds open up, and God teaches the Emperor an important lesson about the spirit of Christmas

Lyrics=

Note: Mary will be in purple, Joseph will be in brown , Hermes will be in yellow , a man named Jesus will be in lime , Monsieur Thénardier will be in green , Madame Thénardier will be in teal , Archimedes will be in cream , Hippocrates will be in grey , Aristotle will be in dark khaki , Caligula will be in red , and God will be in cyan . Group rapping together will be in normal text

Prologue:
One day in the town of Nazareth, young Mary had the most amazing visitor, an Angel!

Mary:
Huh! Who are you?

Hermes:
Please don't be afraid Mary! I am Hermes! I've come to bring good news!

Mary:
News? For me?

Hermes:
God has chosen you, out of all the women in the world, to be the mother of his son!

Mary:
God has chosen me? How can this be?

Hermes:
Everything is possible with God! You will have a son, the son of God, and you will call the baby, Jesus!

Mary:
Whatever God wants, I will do!

Mary runs back to her house to tell Joseph the good news sent from the Angel

Mary:
Joseph! My dear, Joseph! I bring forth good news!

Joseph:
What may this news be?

Mary:
God sent an Angel down to greet me, I'm going to have a son!

Joseph:
What?!

Joseph:
Oh, these words of madness strike me to conceive a Conception!

I'm introducing the institutions to my Immaculate inception!

Now I'm forced to teach this child who seeks some Counsel in a petition

So try this: Navigate around your verse without putting me in Dormition!

You're a crazy toddling Virgin who's still got nothing to live by!

My statues help peoples lives, while yours just stand there and cry!

Now my verse transpires the verbal stabbing of Seven Sorrowful daggers!

I'm a carpenter, but compared to you, you couldn't call me a naggar!

Mary:
The Lord God may have blessed me, but tell me, how will this be?

That just a plain man with no fostering skills should preach to the Virgin Mary?

You're in death's abode, no road can lead the way from all your crimes

For it would truly be a miracle if I could heal you of those rhymes!

And I shall make you swallow your words like it's thine own verbal feast day!

If you'd divorced me in the public, I'd fight a less rocky fray!

You're overlooked in the books like you're a splat of blood on my door!

So tell your people, that for once, I'm not the one they should be praying for!

Joseph:
Don't make Assumptions, Mary, I'm not exactly the understudy!

And after hearing that awful verse, you're one to talk about Bloody!

I'm a Patron of the Catholic Church, you can't Passover this Saint!

But now I'm finished, and I can gather up all the crowd to hear my plaint!

Hermes:
I have come to you in swift flight, and I'll rid your insolence!

So add your stones to the pile, it's like the Massacre of Innocence!

Your soul is being conducted, you need to change any way you can

'Cause I'm the one who invented the fire to burn this flash in the Pan!

So I'll erect this like a Herma so you can't confound these!

My rage is imminent, immigrant, and you've just crossed the boundaries!

I'm stood here at the crossroads of your life and proper self

And I will turn your Genesis inside out if your burning heart doesn't melt!

But yet you still have time to protect yourself from the warnings that I break

So I suggest you turn to the magic herbs and think for Mary's sake!

For behold! She will conceive a son, put an end to all this meanness!

He will be the child of the Lord our God, and you shall call him Jesus!

A man named Jesus:
Did somebody say Jesus?

Joseph:
Oh, dear Mary! What have I done? How could I ever repair my faults?

Let us restore our ways of kindness and put away our signs of revolt!

For I have seen the true magnificence of this holy Christmas spirit!

And I shall bring my child up gracefully, break out not a single lyric!

Mary:
Our disputes have come to an end, and I must thank you for it thus

But we must return to the town of Bethlehem, for our taxes have turned upon us!

Now we shall gather up our belongings, for we are travelling day to day!

But we will have to search there high and low just to find a place to stay!

Monsieur Thénardier:
Ah! Chop chop my sweeting! We are awaiting some guests!

Let me show this Lovely Lady what a gentleman does best!

With my open palm I plead, doing good deeds is my Creed!

I'm the bon-viveur of rendezvous, a regular Candide!

You should settle down, pull out some Empty Chairs and watch the Stars!

Let me lighten out your purse and you can taste wine in my bar!

I have reasonable charges, but pay extra for the staff

Just a gent of good intent! Ha! Don't make me laugh!

Mary and Joseph:
Oh, the door to the town has opened! Come, let's lay down all our load!

For till our taxes dawn, we are safe in keeping this place as our humble abode!

So let me simply end by saying how much thanks we give to thee

We should rest here till the babe is born! What are your feelings, Mary?

Joseph (Interlude):
Mary?

Mary and Joseph:
Oh, darling Mary! Do my eyes deceive me? What a wonderful sight!

Our dearest son is finally with us, and his star is shining bright!

Bless the Father! Praise to you, for you have born a holy wonder!

And this love that God hath joined to us, let no man put asunder!

Archimedes, Hippocrates, and Aristotle:
We have found the holy child, with the bearing of our knowledge

For we observed his star at its rising, and have come to pay our homage!

We have travelled out all far and wide to see him be adored!

So may we all fall down before him, let us pray to Christ our Lord!

Oh, this sacred shining star imports the goodness of the birth

Of Jesus Christ, the Son of God! But what can I offer that is worth

The equal praise assigned to Christ when classic brains should be combined?

Ah! Eureka! I have found it! I shall offer out my mind!

For the doctrine of fostering this child is truly prospering!

So now I send out health and life in form of all my doctoring

To cleanse this body free of any sickness or diseases!

For no man here can live without the powers set by Jesus!

And now my quotes can come in third when praises are conferred

So I shall keep these presents raining down with gifts of thoughts and words!

For I dearly hope this infant child grows up to carry these teachings!

And I question, what is this Earthly life to live by but your preachings?

Hermes:
But wait, what is this? You've been foiled and tricked by word!

If you make your journey that way, all your gifts will be interred!

For when each of you were sent down and you followed the canicula

Your paths were being laid down by the plannings of Caligula!

Caligula:
I'm charging up my tactics, you're more drowned out than Poseidon

And those bars were like my army, 'cause I couldn't fucking find 'em!

Yet I'll still manage to pack a fight and leave your one neck broken!

All you have to do is knock me, and the pits shall be opened!

No peasants can Look Down on me, for no man stands above me!

They're lower than their grovelling, the motherfuckers love me!

I'm a Crazy Horse! My Droogs make bitches cower from this goat!

Stare out blood shots on your mirror as I get graphic on your throat!

God:
You've failed to stand Before Christ, but the Father's still B-seen ya

And he's summoned to teach this mortal who shows less beef than Caesar!

When you chose to flow with a Neptune God, you sunk to the feet of Juno

If you wanted a fair-sized fight, you should've prayed to take on Pluto!

My right hand leaves you kneeling as your golden gate closes

I'll cut through the midst of your sinking bridges like my name was Moses!

Best search inside your evil heart to teach you 'bout this presage

When I told you to be holy, looks like Cassius caught the message!

Rap Meanings=

Joseph:
Oh, these words of madness strike me to conceive a Conception!

(Joseph says that Mary's mad words have really made him think and come up with a plan)

I'm introducing the institutions to my Immaculate inception!

(Joseph's plan is to finally introduce the church to his perfect life and origins, as Mary clearly doesn't deserve the attention. This also refers to the fact that this is the beginning of Joseph's verse)

Now I'm forced to teach this child who seeks some Counsel in a petition

(Joseph says that he has been forced to give Mary some advice. This is a reference to how Mary is still only young, and also a reference to another name of Mary, Our Lady of Good Counsel)

So try this: Navigate around your verse without putting me in Dormition!

(Joseph advices Mary to try and get through her verse without putting him to sleep. Here, he refers to another name of Mary, Our Lady of Navigators. This also references The Dormition of the Mother of God, a Great Feast which commemorates the death or "falling asleep" of Mary)

You're a crazy toddling Virgin who's still got nothing to live by!

(Joseph references Mary's young age once again, and calls her a crazy toddling Virgin who has no point or meaning to her life)

My statues help peoples lives, while yours just stand there and cry!

(Some people believe that having a statue of Saint Joseph in their front yard will help sell their house. Statues of the Virgin Mary have been reported around the world to suddenly start weeping. Joseph is saying that while his statues help people in their house life, Mary's just stand there and weep constantly)

Now my verse transpires the verbal stabbing of Seven Sorrowful daggers!

(This is a reference to the Seven Sorrows of Mary, an image which depicts Mary with seven daggers piercing her heart. Joseph is saying that each line of his verse is stabbing Mary individually and making her feel grief and sorrow. This is also a reference to how this is Joseph's seventh line in his verse)

I'm a carpenter, but compared to you, you couldn't call me a naggar!

(Joseph was famously known to be a carpenter. A naggar is another name for a carpenter or craftsman. This is a play on words, as a nagger is an annoying person who won't stop complaining about something. Joseph is saying that even though he is a naggar, he still isn't as much of a nagger as Mary is. Note the two different word endings)

Mary:
The Lord God may have blessed me, but tell me, how will this be?

(God blessed Mary personally and chose her out of all the women in the world to be the mother of his son. Mary is saying that if she really has been blessed by God himself, then how did she end up with someone like Joseph?)

That just a plain man with no fostering skills should preach to the Virgin Mary?

(Continuing from the previous line, Mary is asking how such a plain man with no skills in looking after a child should be talking to the Blessed Virgin Mary like he is)

You're in death's abode, no road can lead the way from all your crimes

(Mary is saying that Joseph is going to be severely punished by God for the way he treats her, and there's nothing he can do to get out of it)

For it would truly be a miracle if I could heal you of those rhymes!

(Mary has been known to perform healing miracles. She is saying that it really would be a miracle if she could get rid of Joseph's horrible rhymes)

And I shall make you swallow your words like it's thine own verbal feast day!

(Joseph is the patron saint of workers and has several feast days, which are days dedicated to a particular Saint. Mary is making a joke about the most common meaning of a feast, being a large meal. She says that she will make Joseph eat his own words, or be forced to admit that he has done wrong, like it's his own big feast day)

If you'd divorced me in the public, I'd fight a less rocky fray!

(If Joseph had decided to divorce Mary in the public, then she would have ended up being stoned to death. Mary is saying that Joseph's fight is rocky, meaning not very stable. This is a play on words, as she is saying that if she was being stoned by tons off rocks, it would be less 'rocky' than Joseph's raps)

You're overlooked in the books like you're a splat of blood on my door!

(Joseph is generally unnoticed in the Bible compared to Mary. When Moses brought the Ten Plagues of Egypt, the Lord went through and killed all the firstborns in the land, yet he simply passed over the houses with lamb's blood on their doors. Mary is saying that Joseph is being ignored just like he's a splatter of lamb's blood on her door)

So tell your people, that for once, I'm not the one they should be praying for!

(Mary is making a joke about how Joseph's people don't pray to him, but to her. She is saying that due to Joseph being beaten by her, his people should probably be praying for him if they want to see him again)

Joseph:
Don't make Assumptions, Mary, I'm not exactly the understudy!

(This is a reference to the Assumption of Mary, the point when Mary's body was taken up into Heaven. Joseph is changing up the meaning of the word, as "to not make assumptions" also means to not assume something is true without any proof. This is referring to Mary saying that Joseph is overlooked, as he then goes on to say that he's not exactly been put in the Bible as an understudy, or a replacement of another person)

And after hearing that awful verse, you're one to talk about Bloody!

(This refers to Mary's line about the blood on her door. Joseph is making a joke about how Mary can certainly talk about being bloody, referring to the fact that Mary is probably on her period right now, thus making her all moody. This is also a reference to the folklore legend, Bloody Mary, though the legend is about Mary I instead of the Virgin Mary. Joseph could also once again be referring to Mary's young age, as the average age for girls to be on their period is around 12 or 13 years old)

I'm a Patron of the Catholic Church, you can't Passover this Saint!

(Joseph is the Patron of the Catholic Church. He is basically saying that Mary can never pass over him, or beat him in this battle. This is a reference to Passover, a biblical Jewish festival)

But now I'm finished, and I can gather up all the crowd to hear my plaint!

(Now that he is finished dissing Mary, Joseph is saying that he can now go and tell everyone in the town how he is divorcing her, thus making her get stoned to death)

Hermes:
I have come to you in swift flight, and I'll rid your insolence!

(In Daniel 9:21, the Bible says: "He came to him in swift flight at the time of the evening sacrifice" when talking about the Angel Gabriel. This line is a reference to this quote, as Hermes is representing the Angel Gabirel in the rap battle. Hermes says that he has come down to sort Joseph out, and will rid him of his insolent behaviour)

So add your stones to the pile, it's like the Massacre of Innocence!

(Hermes' name, in the form herma, was applied to a wayside marker pile of stones; each traveller added a stone to the pile as a sign of respect. Hermes is saying that Joseph should show some respect to him. This is also a reference to how Joseph was about to get Mary stoned to death, as Hermes is telling him to put down his stones. The Massacre of Innocents is the biblical recount of infant homicide by King Herod. Hermes uses a play on the spelling of the word innocents, and is basically saying that Joseph is killing his innocence, in other words, he is completely guilty of his crimes)

Your soul is being conducted, you need to change any way you can

(Hermes is the conductor of souls into the afterlife. He is saying that if Joseph doesn't change soon, he will be taken down to the afterlife)

'Cause I'm the one who invented the fire to burn this flash in the Pan!

(Hermes was said to have invented fire. Continuing from the previous line, Hermes warns Joseph that he will burn him down if he doesn't change. He also calls Joseph a flash in the plan, meaning that he is simply a disappointment to everyone. This line also references the Greek God, Pan)

So I'll erect this like a Herma so you can't confound these!

(A Herma is a carved sculpture with just a head, and perhaps a torso, above a plain section where the male genitals may also be carved. Hemes is saying that he will put this straight like a Herma so Joseph won't mistake what he is saying. This is also a reference to how Hermes is a phallic God, and phalluses are known to be erected)

My rage is imminent, immigrant, and you've just crossed the boundaries!

(Hermes is saying that his rage is about to be let loose on Joseph. Some people liken Mary and Joseph to immigrants, and immigrants are known to cross the borders into a country. Hermes is the God of boundaries and border crossings. This line has a double meaning, the first being that Hermes' rage is about to come out, and Joseph has just crossed the 'boundaries', in other words, he has gone too far. The second meaning is a reference to the fact that immigrants cross the borders, or boundaries of their country, and end up being arrested for it)

I'm stood here at the crossroads of your life and proper self

(Hermes is saying that he is stood in the middle of Joseph's current life and proper self, and he is the one who will change Joseph and make him turn down the right path. This is a reference to the Hermes of the Ways quote: "I, Hermes, stand here at the cross-roads by the wind-beaten orchard, near the hoary-grey coast")

And I will turn your Genesis inside out if your burning heart doesn't melt!

(Genesis is the first book of the Bible, and is the story of the world's creation and life. Hermes is referring to this book, and says that he will turn Joseph's life inside out if his heart doesn't change soon)

But yet you still have time to protect yourself from the warnings that I break

(Hermes reminds Joseph that he still has time to change before he is punished)

So I suggest you turn to the magic herbs and think for Mary's sake!

(In Homer's Odyssey, Hermes gave Odysseus some magical herbs to protect him from Circe's magic. Hermes is saying that Jospeh should eat the herbs to protect himself from any more bad deeds, and should think about Mary before he does anything)

'''For behold! She will conceive a son, put an end to all this meanness!'''

(This is a reference to when Gabriel came down to Joseph in a dream and told him that Mary will have a baby. Hermes is saying that this baby should put an end to Joseph's meanness towards her)

He will be the child of the Lord our God, and you shall call him Jesus!

(Another reference to the same part of the Christmas Story. Hermes finally tells Joseph that Mary's son is the son of God, and shall be called Jesus)

A man named Jesus:
Did somebody say Jesus?

(A man named Jesus butts in, making a joke about how Jesus Christ has the same name as him)

Joseph:
'''Oh, dear Mary! What have I done? How could I ever repair my faults?'''

(Hermes has changed Joseph's ways. Joseph is appalled at himself, and doesn't know how he could ever forgive himself)

Let us restore our ways of kindness and put away our signs of revolt!

(He decides that the two of them should make up and put their arguments behind them)

For I have seen the true magnificence of this holy Christmas spirit!

(He reveals that due to Hermes visiting him from above, he is now a changed man)

And I shall bring my child up gracefully, break out not a single lyric!

(He then states that he shall bring Jesus up properly and break not a single lyric, in other words, will not argue or say anything bad again)

Mary:
Our disputes have come to an end, and I must thank you for it thus

(Mary is glad that the two of them have settled their differences)

But we must return to the town of Bethlehem, for our taxes have turned upon us!

(In the Christmas Story, the Roman Emperor Augustus wanted to have a list of all the people in the empire to make sure they paid their taxes. He ordered everyone to return to the town where their families originally came from. Mary says that they both need to forget about their argument and leave for Bethlehem, as they don't have much time)

Now we shall gather up our belongings, for we are travelling day to day!

(She then says that they both need to pack their bags, as they will be travelling for days on end)

But we will have to search there high and low just to find a place to stay!

(When they reach Bethlehem, they will need somewhere to stay, and Mary warns that they might have to look very hard for this)

Monsieur Thénardier:
'''Ah! Chop chop my sweeting! We are awaiting some guests!'''

(Thénardier somehow heard Mary's pleas, and appears out of a hidden door at the back of her house. He calls for his wife, Madame Thénardier, to get everything ready for their guests)

Let me show this Lovely Lady what a gentleman does best!

(He takes Mary by the hand and leads the couple into his inn. This line could be considered as a little dirty joke by Thénardier, as he occasionally slips jokes into conversations. It is also a reference to the Les Misérables song, Lovely Ladies)

With my open palm I plead, doing good deeds is my Creed!

(He states with an open palm that all he wants is to do good deeds for everyone. This is a reference to the Creed, a formal statement by Christians)

I'm the bon-viveur of rendezvous, a regular Candide!

(Bon-viveur describes someone who lives well, so he is saying that he has a good social life with his customers. In the song, Master of the House, Madame Thénardier describes him as a "Regular Voltaire". Voltaire is a French philosopher who wrote the novel, Candide. Candide is a play on the word candid, which means truthful. Thénardier is saying that he is regularly a very truthful man)

You should settle down, pull out some Empty Chairs and watch the Stars!

(Thénardier suggests that Mary and Joseph settle down in his inn and look out into the night sky. This line has references to more songs from Les Misérables: Empty Chairs at Empty Tables and Stars)

Let me lighten out your purse and you can taste wine in my bar!

(Thénardier makes a joke about how they have a lot to carry, so he should lighten out their purse, in other words, take their money. He then states that they should go to his bar and, unsurprisingly, spend more money. This is a reference to a lyric in the song, I Dreamed a Dream: "No wine untasted", and also Master of the House: "But here we strive to lighten your purse")

I have reasonable charges, but pay extra for the staff

(Thénardier states that he charges reasonable prices. He then quietly says that they should pay him extra for better staff service)

'''Just a gent of good intent! Ha! Don't make me laugh!'''

(This is a reference to the quotes in Master of the House: "A gent of good intent who's content to be", and also: "Don't make me laugh!", which is said by Madame Thénardier in response to her husband saying that he's a "Comforter" and "philosopher". Here, he is saying that he has good intentions. His wife then appears and laughs at this statement, as she can't believe what he is saying about himself)

Mary and Joseph:
'''Oh, the door to the town has opened! Come, let's lay down all our load!'''

(This is a reference to the fact that Thénardier walked out of a hidden door at the back of Mary's house. She is saying that they are in Bethlehem already, and should put down all their belongings)

For till our taxes dawn, we are safe in keeping this place as our humble abode!

(She then says that they can stay here safely until they pay their taxes)

So let me simply end by saying how much thanks we give to thee

(Joseph then takes the time to thank the Thénardiers for the loan of their inn )

'''We should rest here till the babe is born! What are your feelings, Mary?'''

(He suggests that Mary rests before she soon has her baby, before asking Mary how she feels about everything)

Joseph (Interlude):
Mary?

(Mary doesn't answer, so Joseph says her name again)

Mary and Joseph:
'''Oh, darling Mary! Do my eyes deceive me? What a wonderful sight!'''

(Joseph can't believe his eyes, Mary has finally had the baby Jesus)

Our dearest son is finally with us, and his star is shining bright!

(Mary is happy that her son is finally in her arms. She then notices a bright star outside)

'''Bless the Father! Praise to you, for you have born a holy wonder!'''

(She blesses God for this holy sight, then Joseph praises Mary, as she has gone through a lot and has finally become a mother)

And this love that God hath joined to us, let no man put asunder!

(This is a reference to the Bible quote: "Those whom God hath put together, let no man put asunder". Mary is saying that no man could break the love between this happy family)

Archimedes, Hippocrates, and Aristotle:
We have found the holy child, with the bearing of our knowledge

(Archimedes, Hippocrates, and Aristotle have finally found the baby Jesus)

For we observed his star at its rising, and have come to pay our homage!

(They have followed the bright star in the distance, and state that they have come to praise the child. This is a reference to the Bible quote: "For we observed his star at its rising, and have come to pay him homage")

We have travelled out all far and wide to see him be adored!

(They have travelled for a long time just to see this child be loved by the world)

So may we all fall down before him, let us pray to Christ our Lord!

(Now that they are here, they shall all kneel in front of Jesus and praise him individually)

Oh, this sacred shining star imports the goodness of the birth

(Archimedes goes first, saying that the star has brought the birth...)

'''Of Jesus Christ, the Son of God! But what can I offer that is worth'''

(...of the one Son of God. He doesn't know what he can offer to this holy child that is worth the same as...)

The equal praise assigned to Christ when classic brains should be combined?

(...the praise that each of the Wise Men shall give him. Archimedes is speaking in what is similar to one big problematic equation, as he is looking for an answer, using words such as equal and combined to help work out the problem. This is a reference to how Archimedes was a genius mathematician)

'''Ah! Eureka! I have found it! I shall offer out my mind!'''

(He finally finds the answer, and offers Jesus the gift of a great mind, another reference to his genius. After discovering the law of hydrostatics, Archimedes ran through the streets naked, screaming "Eureka!". This is referred to in this line)

For the doctrine of fostering this child is truly prospering!

(Now, it is Hippocrates' turn to praise the child. He says that the belief of fostering the baby Jesus is truly a huge success for Joseph)

So now I send out health and life in form of all my doctoring

(To make sure he gets the most out of his life, Hippocrates sends out the gift of good health and life into the baby Jesus. He is speaking in a similar way to how a doctor would, as it seems like he is giving out medicine to cure any diseases, as explained in the next line. This is a reference to how Hippocrates is known as the Father of Western Medicine)

To cleanse this body free of any sickness or diseases!

(Hippocrates is giving this gift to make sure Jesus doesn't end up with any sickness or diseases)

For no man here can live without the powers set by Jesus!

(He then explains that no man could ever live without Jesus, thus why he needs to be completely healthy)

And now my quotes can come in third when praises are conferred

(Finally, Aristotle comes in after the two other Wise Men give out their gifts)

So I shall keep these presents raining down with gifts of thoughts and words!

(He decides to complete the trio's ways and give out the gift of powerful thoughts and words to Jesus)

For I dearly hope this infant child grows up to carry these teachings!

(He hopes that with this gift, Jesus will grow up and teach the world using his thoughts and speech)

And I question, what is this Earthly life to live by but your preachings?

(Aristotle questions what Earth and life would be like if Jesus doesn't teach people the right way. This is a reference to how Aristotle is a philosopher, and philosophers always ask deep questions)

Hermes:
'''But wait, what is this? You've been foiled and tricked by word!'''

(Hermes appears once again and warns the Three Wise Men that they have been tricked)

If you make your journey that way, all your gifts will be interred!

(He says that if they continue to leave the way they came, their gifts will be made useless, or will die, as explained in the last line of his verse)

For when each of you were sent down and you followed the canicula

(Hermes states that when the Three Wise Men were sent down to follow the canicula, which is a bright light, basically like a star...)

Your paths were being laid down by the plannings of Caligula!

(...they were being followed by the evil plannings of the Emperor Caligula. Caligula was planning to kill Jesus, and tried to get the Three Wise Men to tell him where the baby was)

Caligula:
I'm charging up my tactics, you're more drowned out than Poseidon

(Caligula is all ready, and is preparing his battle tactics. Poseidon is the God of the Sea, and Caligula is calling everyone 'drowned out' like Poseidon is, as he lives underwater. This could also be a reference to how Caligula came to war with Poseidon, and he is basically saying that he drowned him out and won the war)

And those bars were like my army, 'cause I couldn't fucking find 'em!

(When he finally got to war with the God of the Sea, Caligula had forgotten to tell his army about the war, then got confused because nobody was there. He is saying that the decent bars of the rest of the people in this battle were more hidden than his own army was)

Yet I'll still manage to pack a fight and leave your one neck broken!

(He then states that like his war with Poseidon, he'll still manage to pack a good fight by himself, and doesn't need his army. He then refers to one of his quotes: "Would that the Roman people had but one neck!")

All you have to do is knock me, and the pits shall be opened!

(This is a reference to a quote from the Bible: "Knock and the door shall be opened". Caligula is saying that if anyone knocks him about or irritates him, they will be thrown into a pit of lions. Caligula was known to throw spectators into an arena of lions for his own entertainment)

No peasants can Look Down on me, for no man stands above me!

(This refers to another song from Les Misérables: Look Down. Caligula says that no one is above him, and he looks down on everyone. This also has another literal meaning: Caligula was very sensitive about his bald head, and made it a punishable crime for anyone to look down on it)

They're lower than their grovelling, the motherfuckers love me!

(He says that the people of Rome are all lower, or stupider/worse, than he is. He states that apparently everyone loves him)

'''I'm a Crazy Horse! My Droogs make bitches cower from this goat!'''

(Crazy Horse was a Native American War Leader. This has a double meaning, as Caligula is crazy, and is devoted to his horse, Incitatus. He then references the Droogs from the Stanley Kubrick film, A Clockwork Orange. The main actor, Malcolm McDowell, played Caligula in his 1979 banned film. In this case, Droogs refer to Caligula's men. He says that his men make everyone rightfully scared of Caligula. He then calls himself a goat, meaning a lecherous man. This could also refer to Caligula's hatred of goats, as he says "cower from this goat")

Stare out blood shots on your mirror as I get graphic on your throat!

(Caligula often practised his evil stare in a mirror. In this case, he says that he'll stare at the blood splattering onto the mirror as he slits the throats of his enemies. This also lightly references the fact that the film, Caligula, was banned for extremely graphic content, though instead, it was graphic sexual content)

God:
You've failed to stand Before Christ, but the Father's still B-seen ya

(God appears in the clouds to Caligula, and says that he has failed to devote his praises to Christ. He references 'Before Christ', meaning in front of Christ, but also referencing BC, the time Before Christ. He then makes a joke with a double meaning. The first meaning is referring to the fact that even though he didn't see or praise Jesus, God was still watching him from above. It is also a pun on the letters BC, as even though he didn't stand 'Before Christ', God has still, in this case, B-seen him)

And he's summoned to teach this mortal who shows less beef than Caesar!

(God states that he has been summoned to teach Caligula a lesson. He then refers to another Roman Emperor, Julius Caesar. This joke actually focuses on a salad called the Caesar Salad, which shares it's name with Julius. God is saying that Caligula has no beef against him, meaning he can't fight him. This is a joke, as a Caesar Salad doesn't contain any beef, only vegetables and cheese mainly)

When you chose to flow with a Neptune God, you sunk to the feet of Juno

''(This is another reference to how Caligula started a war with Neptune. This has a double meaning: 1) When Caligula tried to 'flow' with Neptune in the sea, he probably drowned because he can't swim. He then would've literally sunk to the bottom of the sea, and 2) When he tried to flow in a rap battle against God, he sunk down in fright and prayed at the feet of Juno, the Queen of the Gods. Here, God is called a Neptune God due to his amazing flow, as Neptune is God of the Sea)''

If you wanted a fair-sized fight, you should've prayed to take on Pluto!

(God says that if Caligula really wanted a fair fight, he should've fought Pluto instead. Pluto is a dwarf planet, so God is basically saying that Caligula's chances of winning are literally tiny)

My right hand leaves you kneeling as your golden gate closes

(God's right hand is mentioned many times in the Bible as a figure of speech that represents his ultimate power and authority, and where the exalted Jesus Christ now sits. Here, he says that he will use his powerful hand to shut the gates of Heaven in Caligula's face, and even though Caligula will pray to be let through, he will be sent down to Hell)

I'll cut through the midst of your sinking bridges like my name was Moses!

(Caligula once constructed a temporary floating bridge across the Bay of Baiae just so he could ride triumphantly from one end to the other. Moses was famously known for parting the Red Sea. God says that he will part the seas like Moses, thus parting the bridge as well, as it is going through the middle)

Best search inside your evil heart to teach you 'bout this presage

(Romans would seek to read the future by examining the entrails of sacrificial animals. God says that Caligula should examine his own evil heart if he wants to know his fate)

When I told you to be holy, looks like Cassius caught the message!

(God states that he has told Caligula to be holy, but he has ignored him. He then says that Cassius caught the message, referring to Cassius Chaerea, the person who planned and carried out the assassination of Caligula. This is a play on words, as God told Caligula to be holy, but then Cassius literally made him holy, by stabbing 30 holes in him)

Poll
Who was your favourite character? Mary Joseph Hermes Monsieur Thénardier Archimedes, Hippocrates, and Aristotle Caligula God