User blog:Hippie Rat/Shrek vs Gaben

Hey yo hi hello and APRIL FOOLS!!!

Brendan, it's still the first half of March.

Oh no, Kermit, you're right! FUCK! That means I have to take this one seriously! DAMMIT!

How do you take Shrek and Gaben seriously at all anymore? They're just memes.

Memes they may be, but rappers they can achieve the rank of.

Dammit, Kermit, this is no time for your Yoda impression! I wasn't prepared for this!

They were supposed to vote for Democritus vs Aristotle... It's actually history... What does this wiki have against history?! I swear it's all horror and cartoons and comic books with these guys, they had to vote for this battle to go next despite the history of the other option. They screwed up my whole plan!

But Brendan, you didn't have a plan. You were just going to take this battle kinda seriously anyway.

Well...yeah...but...I mean... Okay, you got me. This battle isn't made to be written poorly as a joke battle like I'm sure the wiki will be flooded with when April First actually comes around. I decided I'd make an April Fools special where the only joke of the battle is that it's not a joke (kinda). Or April Fools Day. So basically for this battle, I took it seriously, but not as seriously as I usually do. Oh, and no offense meant on that "this wiki doesn't care for history" rant. It was just a prank bro. Now, enjoy.

Forgetting something?

Oh right. I give 100% permission to the use of my lyrics in any audio and/or visual production, as long as credit is given where credit is due. A beat can be requested if so necessary. It would also be appreciated that, if any lyrics are used, a link to the production be sent to me. Any questions and/or links can most easily be sent in my most recent blog. Thank you very much.

Enjoy this :)

Lyrics
Announcer:

Epic Rap Battles of History! Gaben vs Shrek ! Begin!

Gabe Newell:

Once upon a time, some edgy teen had a vision,

Of infecting the Internet with a shitty fanfiction.

Well Shrek isn't love, Shrek isn't life,

And Shrek isn't going to best me in this rap fight.

You're a smelly green has-been, I'm a slick big captain,

Leading a Steamboat to a new world of game creation.

These days the only movies you're in is silly memes,

Purposely poorly made on software you can buy on Steam.

I'm a god in the gaming community,

You're a celestial rapist cut short on your lines like Farley.

Roar all you want, but those children still need a waker,

When this All-Star arcs into a stargazer.

What better to keep them active than video games?

I got Team Fortress, Portal, Half-Life, and Quake.

You dissed commercial marketing, but that's exactly what you became,

And you'll be Left 4 Dead when you face the PC Master Race.

Shrek:

Aye, for someone who makes silent heroes, you're one to talk,

Check Shrek deck a gobbly-neck, and add a counter-strike in your cock.

Step to Shrek and Steam will be experiencing a heavy load in its ass,

So you can try to kick my ass, but he'll just kick you back. Donkey!

On the first day, Gaben made Half Life. On the second, Half Life 2.

And on the third day, Gabe Newell sat on his ass and sucked Valve dry of its food!

Put my hand-stitched custom leather foot-huggers up inside yeh,

And it won't be Kitty Softpaws fishing them out of theh'!

It's your day of defeat; Windows 8 is better than Valve Corporation,

If you could stand cardio, this old-timer still runs on a Steam Engine!

I go hammer than the Three Little Pigs,

You're the man made of gingerbread who can't run from this.

I'm a sexy hunk, got the girl, you better be a believer,

When you look like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers!

You'll only live a half-life when you step to me,

Winning this was as easy as one, two, three.

Announcer:

Who won? Who's next? You Decide! Epic Rap Battles of History!

Trivia

 * The line "You can try to kick my ass but he'll just kick you back" was inspired by a handful of old lyrics for a Shrek vs Quasimodo posted on the wiki by WoodenHornets. Coincidentally, a similar line was used in Justin's battle Donkey vs Horse, which was posted on Soundcloud mere hours after this battle was finished being written (at around 3:00 PM EST on 3/8/16, as Donkey vs Horse was posted sometime between 6:00-7:00 PM EST the same day)
 * A hint to this battle was posted on my user page, the hint being "Love, Life, and Three "
 * Inspiration for this battle came from vacation, seeing the same Shrek movie over and over... Ugh...
 * The battle was almost scrapped due to previous appearances of the Team Fortress 2 characters, GLaDOS, and Shrek 4's Rumpelstiltskin, along with the memetic status of both characters rendering most material to jokes already seen online a billion times. I decided I'd just do my best to give it my razzle-dazzle until it was something unique
 * At one point in the writing process, God was going to third party
 * Strangely, despite the majestic sexiness of this battle, a low number of only 7.29 orgasms were achieved as I wrote the battle

Poll
Who won? Shrek Gaben

Who didn't win? Shrek Gaben

Who's the best writer on the wiki? Hippie Rat Brendan F.

There shouldn't be this many poll I agree suck my weewee Woah that rhymed Hippie rat best rapper n/a

Who's next? Quantum mechanics and chemistry and smart shit like that Don't worry, you'll see guys like Invisible Man and The Dude soon enough You'll also see Uncle Sam and Ronald Reagan and Hirohito You'll also see trump Bet you're excited for that