User blog:Hippie Rat/Mortal Kombat vs Saw - Hippie Rat Battle Raps

Hey yo hi hello

I had a lot of fun with this one

Chances are you guys are going to fucking hate it

But I don't care because, like I said, I had a lot of fun with this one.

Here's a drinking game: take a shot every time the words "blood," "gore," "play," and "game" show up.

And that includes the drinking game itself.

It may be full of some of the most blatant lyrics that could possibly be thought up for this idea, but put it next to some of the legitimately clever jokes and this is some good shit.

So, what I want you to do, as the reader, is imagine the most cinematically interesting rap battle ever. In the Mortal Kombat verses, a bunch of fatalities are performed on Saw victims while, during the Saw verses, some Mortal Kombat characters are killed off by different traps in a visually stunning array of death and execution to illustrate the visuals of either side in a fun way.

Seriously, if I had the time, resources, and willpower, this would be fucking awesome.

But I have none of those and would rather complain about how no other rap battle series has the same lust for creativity in these productions so instead of actually seeing that stuff, here is the lyrics for the song that would essentially be playing in the background of my torture porn.

Ooh and maybe during Jigsaw's first verse we could have Amanda, Hoffman, and Dr. Gordon show up to play in a rock band behind Jigsaw like Rushmore in Roosevelt vs Churchill. And maybe when Scorpion mentions Cube we could have the slap-chop scene from the beginning of the movie reenacted in the background. And when Jigsaw mentions the furnace, it could show a seemingly normal guy in a striped sweater getting stuck in a furnace like Obi in Saw II only for a claw-glove to be seen reaching out of the door after he burns alive and that's when Jigsaw realizes it's Krueger. Aw, that would be so awesome if I gave a fuck.

Mortal Kombat vs Saw, everybody!

Lyrics
Announcer:

Epic Rap Battles of History! Scorpion and Sub-Zero vs Jigsaw ! FIGHT!

Scorpion and Sub-Zero :

Cute puppet. What's it, some kind of Jiggy Stardust?

What's an old-ass cancer patient to the big topic martial artists?

And that robe! Shit, you look like the body horror Hefner,

You've been a comedy riot the instant that tricycle entered.

Look, the point is, Jimmy, that you're laughably vile,

You made a not-so-living off viewers that are half-asleep, while,

We made a name for "18+" arcade games!

You's just a play off Cube in all but the name.

In a battle of gratuitous blood and gore,

We're flinging chains and whips at a sadomasochist, so go and beg for more.

You ripped some jits limb from limb but the thing that's really spooky

Is that your reign died in the third, then they made five more movies!

Jigsaw:

Ugh, that verse woulda given me cancer..had I not already been fighting,

Keep it up and you'll be finding

Yourselves on the wrong end of a furnace.

If it's worthwhile to fight to death, I'll teach you to find a real purpose.

So hello Ghost Rider, and hello Mr. Freeze,

Wanna play a game? Pop a quarter.

Wanna play by my name? Follow my orders.

Get on your knees, you're getting warmer, suck on deez.

When I said that killing was distasteful, man, I fucking meant it,

I'll use pain to help you fix your lifestyles like a fucking dentist.

Let me start with Sub-Zero. After Mortal Kombat II,

You went from one of seven subbed heroes to a total Noob.

Betcha Hanzo's getting cold feet, so shoot what Donnie Wahlberg do,

This will be the second time that the ice crushed you.

I'd meet you Midway on — Wait, Krueger's on your team?

I thought not conforming to violent norms was kind of a main theme.

Scorpion and Sub-Zero :

You're one to talk with that posse of pigs,

This dude set Cary Elwes up to go do "as you wish." Haha!

Now who's put at top billing? Doesn't ring a Bell.

So face your fears with the freezer. It writes itself.

And I'm just saying, dude, that hand you took in marriage,

Has acting bad enough to drive me off a cliff. Bet you miss that carriage.

Your silly steampunk fatalities aren't enough to goad me,

I crawled out of netherrealm to spit it straight toasty!

I'm the later movies' Zepps the way I'm on-the-rocking ya,

Get a freezeframe on that messed-up face - Baraka!

Your shit's on quaaludes. Face dudes like Liu Kang, you

Wish you were in Street Fighter, regretting your moral rules.

With cancer, you still ain't iller than me. You're the weakest being in eighteen realities!

If you like playing with fears, then get over here!

* Scorpion grapples Jigsaw by the neck, slashing it open, and pulls him over, holding him up by his slit throat*

FINISH HIM!

* Scorpion punches Jigsaw in the chest with a force that impales Jigsaw. Jigsaw remains expressionless during this, simply glancing at a camera positioned on the ceiling*

FATALITY!

* as Jigsaw goes limp, Scorpion and Sub-Zero celebrate their victory. We see that the camera Jigsaw looked at feeds to a strange room with a few computer monitors. One monitor appears to be tracking Jigsaw's heart rate*

* as it flatlines, a program on the computer activates. Two sets of mechanical arms reach from the ground, both right where Scorpion and Sub-Zero are standing. The arms "grab" the two by the necks. Amanda, Hoffman, and Dr. Gordon, revealed to have been viewing the last few moments in the security room the heart monitor was being shown in, see this as a cue to prepare for the finale*

Mark Hoffman:

It's showtime.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon:

I got the tape.

Amanda Young:

Don't drop it.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon:

As you wish.

* as you inevitably groaned at me milking that Princess Bride joke, Amanda, Hoffman, and Dr. Gordon enter the room that Scorpion and Sub-Zero are trapped in. They put the tape into an old television set as Scorpion and Sub-Zero struggle with their deadly restraints. Suddenly, Scorpion's and Sub-Zero's attentions are drawn to the sound of television static before a prerecorded image of Billy the Puppet appears on said television. Amanda, Hoffman, and Dr. Gordon are seen getting a few simple cleaning supplies*

Jigsaw *via Billy video*:

Hey, yo, you wack-ass bags of catshit, backed into a corner, two halves of a wit,

Lack reason to revel in your successes since the fact of the matter is,

You failed. This was a test to see if you could play a good game - you failed,

Coulda told your friends you prevailed but dead men tell no tales. You failed.

This ain't just mindless murder, it's a mercy killin',

I ain't trollin' for the next controversy; I'm an anti-villain.

With every new Mortal Kombat I'm treated to more mindless blood and gore,

Than the creative minds behind anything past Saw IV.

You don't care for story, you don't care for characters,

Just fictional fighting with pieced-together drama; man, you're glorified wrestlers.

* suddenly the mechanical arms begin pulling down on Scorpion and Sub-Zero, tearing at their shoulders*

So now the fighters with a chip on their shoulders are getting chips on their shoulders.

If you could only make a game for the torture porn, then I guess it's game over.

* the mechanical arms tear apart Scorpion and Sub-Zero. Their gimped torsos fall to the ground, separated from their arms and legs, as their intestines spill out beneath them. The battle concludes with Amanda, Hoffman, and Dr. Gordon cleaning up the mess*

Announcer:

Who won? Who's next? You Decide! Epic Rap Battles of History!

Poll
Who won? Scorpion and Sub-Zero Jigsaw

Yes of course the sequence with Amanda, Hoffman, and Dr. Gordon is a reference to the prep scenes in Nice Peter vs EpicLLOYD 2.

Yes of course the text color randomly switches to purple when it says "toasty" because it's Dan Forden saying it at the bottom of the screen.

Yes of course I got myself off to how smart I am to have made that Princess Bride joke.