User blog:TKandMit/Negan vs Jesus Christ. Epic Rap Battles of Heroes and Villains Off-Season

...yeah, this happened.

Happy holidays, everyone! To celebrate the joyous final days of the year, I have decided to do a battle in celebration of Christmas; its namesake, our lord and savior Jesus Christ, battling someone... not particularly known for being a festive person.

'Some spoilers for The Walking Dead'' below. This battle references material in both the television and comic series.'''

Negan, main antagonist of the zombie apocalypse series The Walking Dead, takes up arms at the Son of God in a match of two "Saviors" with massive followings who were eventually betrayed.

You can probably guess who came up with this idea. And he's guest-writing! As, of course, everyone's favorite leather-cladded, bat-wielding, oddly sexually appealing psychopath.

This is certainly a first for the series, as it is the last. I'm not a big fan of using religious figures in battles, but with no better ideas for a Christmas installment, I decided to go with this funny match-up. This will probably be seen as sacrilegious but uh

please don't hate me

Happy holidays. Enjoy.

Cast
EpicLLOYD as Negan

Nice Peter as Jesus Christ

Zach Sherwin as Judas (story cameo)

Dante Cimadamore as Peter (speaking cameo)

Beat
[*Negan starts at 0:12*]

Introduction
“You ready to meet the man?” Judas asked to the group of twelve, lined up before the RV on their knees.

They shiver in the cold Christmas Eve air, but keep silent. Judas shrugs and knocks on the RV’s door before stepping aside, allowing Negan to step out, a huge grin on his face and a huge bulge in his pants.

“We pissing our pants yet?” he asks, stepping forward, the dying sun reflecting off the barbed wire wrapped around the baseball bat slung over his shoulder.

“‘Cause oh boy, do I have a feeling we’re getting close,” he remarks, staring hard at the kneeling thirteen. They were known as the Disciples of Jesus, a group that had been threatening rebellion against his oppressive rule. “Pee pee pants city here real soon.”

His disappointment in them was outweighed by uncontrollable giddiness at the thought of bathing his beloved bat Lucille in the blood again. There was something beautiful about it, the way blood perfectly curved around her barbs and dripped softly on the ground, pulling off brain matter and hair with it. Simply beautiful.

“Which one of you pricks is the leader?”

“This one...he’s the guy,” Judas says, pointing at the one dressed in all white.

Negan walks over to him with his classic grin, reveling in the presence of his most recent prey. “Hi...Jesus, is it?”

Jesus Christ looks up, into the face of his enemy.

“Welcome to your last day on earth, you stupid fuck.”

Epic Rap Battles of Heroes and Villains!



Versus!



Begin!

Negan:
Bring this holy fuck on up; he’s already kneeling for a God,

Whose people fuck with more boys than I did in my garage

Fuck, that sounded wrong, like the way your fucking name’s pronounced

Pussies coming against my big dick empire? I’ll shut that shit down!

Jesus Christ:
Hold yourself for a moment, give me a chance to speak,

You call us cowardly, yet thou the one who’ll beat me on my knees! Preach!

But please, let me reason with you, my child. There’s no need for all of this,

I can teach you the way, as unlike I, you cannot altar this.

With some love you could turn your prison cell into a palace

But instead you stick to pulling splinters off your splinter of a phallus

When you rubbed it on a stick that broke harder than your heart inside

I know you want to kill the Faith, so you’ll go to Hell and meet your wife

Negan:
Fucking shit, I’m not racist, but you’re literally a cracker

Got your name from the Mexicans; prepare to handle a whacker

You fuck none? I fuck nuns! You got nailed, I’m fucking hung!

Ezekiel got some head, so bitch, here’s your fucking Kingdom Cum!

I rock the pool you walk across, I’d fucking love to play but it’s time,

You can pray, you can preach, you can commit genocide...

….Fucking hell, you’re all gonna be doing that… KRAKK

 * Jesus is knocked to the ground, Lucille slamming into his skull*

Whoa! Taking it like a champ! Right off the bat! KRAKK

 * Jesus pulls himself up, blood dripping down his face*

Look everybody! He’s still around despite his life getting debunked!

Your fucking blood is wine right? Lucille’s literally getting drunk! KRAKK

M-m-m-my ch-ch-child...

Jesus Jesus, you in there? It seems like you’re trying to speak,

But you’re looking like Mary’s fuckhole on an unholy week! KRAKK

 * Jesus collapses and Negan proceeds to continue bashing in his skull*

Look at this! Look at my dirty girl! Fucking hell, look at what she’s done!

To her carnage I spank the monkey you blind fucks evolved from!

Fuck shit, you’re all bigots! If you all met the Jesus on my streets,

You’d either suck his gay cock or give him conversion therapy!

But you’re still people I wanna know, ‘cause- “HELP US, GOD ABOVE”

See? That fucking shit means you got some serious drugs!

It’s Christmas kids! Lighten the fuck up, this is a birthday bash!

We’re gonna be fucking Ho after Ho, so suck my sacrilegious sack!

So welcome to a brand new fucking world, you sorry ass shits,

I’ll be taking half your shit, like your fucked beliefs took half your dicks!

 * Suddenly the ground shakes as Jesus’s shattered skull magically pieces itself together and golden light fills the night*

Jesus Christ:
Rejoice, my brethren! I hath arisen again!

To smite thine sin until he is in remission!

No need to wait through the weekend, you already failed by Sunday

You try to keep it fresh next week but it’ll be spoiled by Monday

The second coming back from the dead to break your bat

It left an impact -- on your ratings, you own the axe

But you can still change, when they put you in chains

And so I serve you now, I’m known for helping the lame!

On the second cursed verse, the Lord said unto you

You’re pegged now, my child. Now what you gonna do?

Pick your battles wisely, before I have you wiped off the earth

It’s A New Beginning, the Light reborn on the day of his birth!

Who won?!

Who's next?!



Epic Rap Battles of Heroes and Villains!

Who won? Negan Jesus Christ

Hints: Decoded
"Jesus Christ, it's Jason Bourne" meme: take a guess

Scary Lucille Ball statue: Negan carries around a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire that he calls Lucille. It's scary.