User blog:ResonX/Winnie-the-Pooh vs. Sesame Street 3–on–3





(Regular Announcer voice is replaced by Guy Smiley for this episode)

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!

BIG BIRD…

…VS…

…WINNIE THE POOH!!!

BEGIN!

Winnie the Pooh:

Oh, it's a tale of two kids icons, from the 'hood to the Hundred Acre Wood,

and Imma beat the birdseed out of ya', understood?

I'm the favorite childhood pal of millions; just ask Christopher Robin.

I'll bring you to tears, and I'm not talking 'bout that song by Kenny Loggins!

My rhymes will buzz around, over, under and through you like Grover!

I've got every trick in the book, plus some not in the book, like Gopher.

I'm gonna rustle all your feathers, not to mention your jimmies.

I know you inside and out, almost as much as Caroll Spinney!

When I'm done with you, pinhead, you're gonna be feeling real blue.

Count von Count on my victory being recorded in the Book of Pooh!

I've made more money for Disney than the worth of Donald Trump,

Earning myself more honey than can be taken by any Heffalump!

I'm a big black rain cloud, raining on your Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.

Call me Mitt Romney, 'cause I'm giving you a major downgrade!

I'm laying down the smackdown here in the Ashdown Forest.

I've been to Skull and back, son. When'd you last walk two miles from your nest?

Big Bird:

This battle is being brought to you by the letter "B",

As in "B.B.", i.e. Big Bird, which would be me!

And just like in "Follow That Bird", I am out on a mission,

In this case: breaking you like I broke into public television!

You may be older and even more classic than me, Pooh Bear,

But I'll make your rhymes fall flat and drop dead like Mr. Hooper!

Mine will fly under your Radar, then knock you down like Eeyore's house.

I'm normally nice, but for you, I'm going full–out Oscar the Grouch!

Nonstop since 1969, I've been entertaining kids.

I spit sick words like "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz"!

I don't need help to beat your stuffing out, so Snuffaluffagus, begone.

My disses are simple, but they'll haunt you your whole life long!

I'm on the Hollywood Walk of Fame; you're a bear of very little brain.

Beating me will be more impossible than your Home Run Derby game!

If you weren't just a fluff–filled doll, I'd say I'd make you bleed.

I teach children literacy, but you can barely even read!

Leave this to me, Pooh!

Piglet:

Well, I may sound like a little girl, and be the size of a mouse,

But I'm still bringing some mad pig power into this house!

Helping my friend defeat you, feathered fiend, will be my pleasure.

Next to my blustery verses, yours are but a mild Spring zephyr!

You'll find this itsy–bitsy package to be carrying big things.

You don't scare me, and that says a lot. You don't even have wings!

What kind of bird are you even supposed to be– a canary or a lark?

Either way, I'm conquering you just like my fear of the dark.

Yes, it's true that you're eight times my size, but I'm not overwhelmed.

I'll have you know that just like you, I've got my own self–titled film!

In terms of size–to–coolness ratio, I'm ten times more fly!

The only worthy opponent for me on your street is Teeny Little Super Guy.

People have written books about how my smallness is a virtue.

Why, to beat you, I just need a few good friends and a stick or two!

''Uh–oh! He he, who wants to die?''

Elmo:

If you can call for reinforcements, then by Jim Henson, so can we!

And who better to speak for the people in our neighborhood than me?

Up until now, everyone watching has been waiting for Elmo.

Did you really think they'd make this thing without me? Hell, no!

Ever since I came along, half the show's been about me.

I've got living furniture and a drawer straight out of Bruce Almighty!

I'm cuddling backstage with hot, cold chicks like Katy Perry,

While you two are a more obvious gay couple than Bert and Ernie!

To you kids out there: can you guess what Elmo is thinking about today?

Congrats if you guessed "ways he can make these losers go away"!

I'll vandalize the felt you call your flesh with my crayons,

Then dump you in the trash and leave you stranded in Grouchland!

Or, I could call up some of my monster friends, so furry and happy,

Beat you to a pulp, then have you turned to frogs by Abby Cadabby!

And here's a threat scarier than any of your Heffalumps or Woozles:

I'll tie you up and leave you both alone with Mr. Noodle!

In any case, suffice to say: I'll do a lot more than just tickle you.

I'll let my little likeness here finish:

Talking Elmo Doll:

KILL… POOH!

(Crashingly loud "BOING!")

Tigger:

You've made a big mistake by making me show up, Fuzzy–Boy,

'Cause when it comes to rapping kids' characters, Tiggers are the real McCoy!

A matchup between me and you? How terribly uneven!

I'm about to derail your whole career even worse than Sheldon Stephens!

I'm rivaled only by Hobbes as the world's most adorable tiger.

Compared to me, you look like something out of H. R. Giger!

I'm a truly one–of–a–kind character, unlike you, little "buddy".

You're really just a random extra who happened to get lucky!

I'll warn you once, you creator's pet: swallow your pride and surrender,

Lest you incite my wrath and make me bring back the Masked Offender!

And as for you, Big Bird, while you're not nearly as much of a bully,

Your rhyming skill is as nonexistent as my biological family!

Now, back to you, Elmo: Mike Mozart tells me you love balls.

You're weak, while I can't even be restrained by the fourth wall!

So go T.T.F.E. and leave our wood for good, you Hellspawn,

Before my springy tail and I bounce you to death like Leprechaun!

Oooooooooohhh…

Cookie Monster:

…"C" is for "cookie"… and it also is for "crap",

Which the best word me can use to describe your crummy raps!

Me rounding out the quintessential Sesame Street trio,

For me am, in fact, the monster at the end of this video!

Though obesity and grammar concerns cause me to get slammed,

Me no change for that! Like Popeye, me am what me am.

You may have one advantage: Me not have own movie.

But that's it, because me am the best rapper any Muppet could be!

You see, me classically–trained. Just watch "Monsterpiece Theater",

And though me known for eating cookies, me not really picky eater.

Me have been here all along, from start of this song,

And now show meself to eat your honey like "OM NOM NOM NOM!"

I no going to eat you, though… because you taste no good!

As me friend Hoots once said, poo–poo is a never food!

Me shooting your words down like stupid "Veggie Monster" rumors!

Oh, and F.Y.I., Tigger, that not spring in your tail. It tumor.

'''OH. MY. HENSON! THAT MAY VERY WELL HAVE BEEN THE MOST EPIC RAP BATTLE OF ALL TIME! AND TO THINK SUCH A MASTERPIECE WOULD BE PERFORMED BY CHARACTERS INTENDED FOR FOUR–YEAR–OLDS!'''

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

I DECIDE!

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!

Winnie the Pooh Big Bird Piglet Elmo Tigger Cookie Monster