Rasputin vs Stalin



Rasputin vs Stalin is the thirty-third installment of Epic Rap Battles of History and the eighteenth and final episode of Season 2. It features Rasputin, Joseph Stalin, Vladimir Lenin, Mikhail Gorbachev, and Vladimir Putin in a Russian battle royale. It was released on April 22th, 2013.

Cast
Nice Peter as Rasputin, Vladimir Lenin, and Vladimir Putin

EpicLLOYD as Joseph Stalin and Mikhail Gorbachev

PewDiePie as Mikhail Baryshnikov (cameo)

Rasputin:
Cool mustache, Wario.

Try messing with the Mad Monk, you'll be sorry, yo!

How many dictators does it take

To turn an empire into a union of ruinous states?

It's a disgrace what you did to your own people!

Your daddy beat you like a dog and now you're evil!

You're from Georgia, sweet Georgia,

And the history books unfold ya

As a messed up mutha fucka bent in the mind,

Who built a superpower, but he paid the price

With the endless destruction of Russian lives!

If you're the man of steel, I spit kryptonite!

Big dick mystic, known to hypnotize!

I could end you with a whisper to your wife.

Joseph Stalin:
Look into my eyes, you perverted witch!

See the soul of the man who made Mother Russia his bitch!

You think I give a fuck about my wife?

My own son got locked up in prison, and I didn't save his life!

You got off easy when they pickled that moose cock!

I'd leave your neck in a noose in a trench and shot!

Your whole family; shot! All your wizard friends; shot!

Anyone who sold you pierogi; shot!

Starve you for days til' you waste away!

I even crush mother fuckers when I'm laid in state!

Pride of Lenin took Trotsky out of the picture.

Drop the hammer on you harder than I bitch slapped Hitler!

Vladimir Lenin:
I have no pride for you, who ruined everything

My revolution was doing to stop the bourgeoisie!

I fought the bondage of classes. The proletariat masses

Have brought me here to spit a thesis against both of your asses!

Let me start with you there, Frankenstein!

Looking like something out of R. L. Stine!

It's hip-hop chowder, red over white,

'Cause the Tsar's wife can't do shit tonight!

And Joseph, you were supposed to be my right-hand man,

But your loyalty shriveled up like your right hand, man!

Our whole future was bright! You let your heart grow dark,

And stopped the greatest revolution since the birth of Marx!

Mikhail Gorbachev:
Knock knock knock knock.

Did somebody say birthmarks?

Yo, I'm the host with the most Glasnost!

Assholes made a mess and the war got cold!

Shook hands with both Ronalds; Reagan and McDonald's, no doubt!

If your name end with "in", time to get out!

I had the balls to let Baryshnikov dance, playa!

Torn down that wall like the Kool-Aid Man, oh yeah!

You two need yoga. (Дa!) You need a shower, (Дa!)

And you all need to learn how to handle real power!

Vladimir Putin:
Did somebody say real power?

Дa, you want to mess with me?

I spit hot borscht when I'm crushing these beats.

Blow it up like a tuba, while I'm balling in Cuba.

Doing judo moves and schooling every communist сука!

I'm a president in my prime. My enemies don't distract me.

The last man who attacked me lived a half-life so comrade, come at me!

You don't know what you're doing when you try to bust a rhyme against a mind like Putin.

You'll find that the ex-KGB is the best MC in the ex-CCCP!

Joseph Stalin:
They're calling this for Stalin, I will kick you in the rectum

You should now prepare to be my next Bolshevik-tim

What smells like a poo log? It must be rhymes from you, dawg

I got this battle locked up like I threw it in the Gulag

You're a gross and creepy scary-eyed weird wizard

Now poof, disappear and conjure up some beard scissors

I'm Stoli Gold, you're a plastic handle of Popov

You sure act like a dick for a punk with his junk chopped off

I'm majestic, you're a bit thick, I'm not impressed with your magic tricks

I'm sadistic, with a swift kick for a mystic with a missed dick

Ass-putin, you've surely lost now

You want beef? I got the whole Moscow

Rasputin:
Come on, bring it on, I'm ready to start brawlin'

I don't mean to Russia but you just seem like you're Stalin

You're just five-foot-four but your failure's epic-sized

You're doing worse in this battle than the farms you collectivized

I'll beat you past the point my magic powers can heal

Man of Steel? You fat pig, more like Man of Squeal

I'll hand your Georgian ass a true Russian defeat

You would think I'm making borscht the way I'm crushing these beats

I was poisoned, shot and beaten and I still fought back like no sweat

I'm so hard to kill, my rap name should be 50 Kopek

I was shot and poisoned, my assassin's plot: sadistic

But that couldn't stop the mystic, if you think you can, you're optimistic

Vladimir Lenin:
You used to be my right hand man

Till your loyalty shriveled up like your right hand, man

Vladimir Putin:
We're all Russians, no one's going to get their butt kicked

The way our space program's whipped NASA's ass with Sputnik

General

 * This has the third longest run time of any other ERB.
 * This is the third battle to feature five rappers.
 * This battle, however, is the first battle where each of the five rappers only had one verse each.
 * The reason behind this battle was to redeem Vladimir Putin's "quote" saying he'd kill Peter with his bare hands if Season 2 did not feature a Russian rapper.
 * This is the third battle to have a third, as well as fourth and fifth, person enter a battle as a third-party rapper.
 * This is the second battle where each rapper has one verse.
 * This is the second battle where the announcer didn't say "Who won? Who's next? You decide!" at the end.
 * However, the announcer can still be heard singing "Epic Rap Battles" at the end.
 * This is the second battle where two characters share the same name, with Vladimir Lenin and Vladimir Putin, as well as Mikhail Gorbachev and Mikhail Baryshnikov.

Production

 * This is the first rap battle to feature more than one instrumental, with three.
 * The first two were produced by the same producer, The Unbeatables.
 * This is the first battle where an actor(s) raps against themselves as a different character.
 * This is the fourth battle where an actor portrays more than one rapper.

Errors

 * During Gorbachev's verse, at 01:43, Stalin's positioning glitches, moving him to the left.