User blog:Awesomesix/Literal Review: Jack the Ripper vs Dexter Morgan (2014)

Wow, we haven't had these in a while. You know, I hate my old battles, especially my 2014 season 2 which I just uploaded as many as I could in June. Fortunately, I learned from that. Now, time to insult my old battles by reviewing my least favorite, Jack the Ripper vs Dexter Morgan.

Link.

Review
AWESOME RAP BATTLES 2.0!

What the fuck type of title is this? What are you, Minecraft? "2.0" sounds rediculous.

DEXTER MORGAN!

Thank you.

VERSUS!

What, are you too cool for "vs"? Gotta go the extra mile?

JACK THE RIPPER!

It is. Indeed.

BEGIN!

Please don't.

Dexter:

I’ll overdose this bitch like an Etorphine needle,

This line was fortunately made better in the remake. I guess this isn't that bad of a line. It's a reference and it's not forced more than a dick into a quarter slot.

Kiss my ass, Jack, you’re not a threat, just a weasel,

Oh boy... So, you start this off with an okay line, only to tell him to flat out "kiss my ass" and saying to him he's not a threat, then you call him a weasel? Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't those things like, really vicious? And kill rabbits by biting their necks?

I’m Dexter Morgan, leaving impressions, teaching lessons,

I don't think this is the impression you want to leave, Dexter.

To Anonymous wannabes about how to be a weapon,

"Anonymous" didn't even exist back when Jack was a killer, you dipshit. And "how to be a weapon"? What, are you going around stabbing people with yourself? "Oh look at me, I'm a human knife!" Elaborate, please?

Lethal and legal, I roll with justice, and I’m not messing,

This is just filler. So was that statement. Not much to say other than Dexter hangs with Batman apparently...

You’re just a real life Scooby Doo; leaving everyone guessing,

Don't they solve the mysteries in Scooby Doo? I don't think calling a serial killer and unsolved case is that big of an insult, Dexter...

The cops got my back, when I attack, it’s with reason,

No, they don't have your back. The only one who found out tried to get you to stop. And your "reason" is you're a psychopath; Marilyn Manson has just as much as a reason as you, asshole.

If I battle, I can’t help it, I like leaving people bleeding,

Nice time to tell your fetishes. Also, "If I battle"? What, is this a playdate? Are you gonna share your knives and cut up dolls with Jack? Jesus Christ this is a mess.

I’m a dirty motherfucka with a past of cruelty and horror,

Not something to brag about. That's like saying "My parents were murdered, yeah! I'm cool!" Aren't you insulting yourself? Also, "motherfucka". Ali G would be crying from this.

You’re a lowlife little jerk, who tried to screw a country over,

Now you're just pouting. "You're a poopyhead!" Go back to the playground. Damn, this really is a playdate, isn't it?

And isn't "tried to screw a country over" a bit of an exaggeration? I don't think he intended to get Britain into a restless panic, he just wanted to kill people. You're the same as him, Dexter.

Nobody remembers this monster except a Canadian reality,

That reference was alost as obscure as the Canadian show you're referencing. Who cares about Total Drama anymore?

I run the lab, and I’m about to scar this Dee Dee with my vitality!

Big words, Morgan. And now you reference Dexter's Laboratory. Man, you must watch a lot of kid's shows in your spare time.

Wait, this verse is over. Well then.

Overall, that verse was mediocre. Hoepfully this battle doesn't get worse, or else...

Jack The Ripper:

The name’s Jack, prepare for attack, better watch your back, I’m crazy,

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK. Are you trying to rap fast here, or...? This line is what I like to call, "wat". Because it's so awkward and confusing, all you can say is "wat". We know you're Jack, so don't say your name. It was said literally right above this line. Also, don't warn him you're going to kill him. Jason Voorhees doesn't tell kids "Alright, I'm going to sneak up on you, Gerry! Now, when I count to five, I am going to stab you in the back, okay! One... two... three... four... five! Ready or not, here I come!" In fact, I don't think he says anything. Like you should do. But to be fair, you're crazy. You said that yourself, after all.

I get all the ladies, I’m spitting game, you’re just insane, don’t forget lazy,

Lazy my ass. He tried at least. Dexter went so far as to reference Total Drama of all things; you're over here saying generic "I'm fucking great" lines and then throwing generic insults back. "You're just insane". Pardon me, but didn't you call yourself crazy barely a line ago? You're sending mixed signals. And "don't forget lazy"? Ironic, considering you pretty much threw that in there last second. "Oh, and don't forget, you're lazy!" Look who's talking. I'd get better insults from god damn SM. SM, for fuck's sake.

Title for the most violent, silent, people dying, play a violin,

Okay. What. First, I'm sure there are video game developers who get that title before you do. You're nothing compared to Mortal Kombat, you know, the thing that made the ESRB? Second: Silent? Your lines are practically dictionary definitions, PLEASE be silent. Please. Third: People dying? What, is that a threat? A brag? Oh, wait, nope, Jack just got a hold of the birth and death counter thing. Fourth, why the hell should he play a violin? I don't think he's ever seen a violin in his life. These aren't threats, they're filler.

I’m cruel and cool, people have no clue who I am, I keep silent,

You're not cruel, you're not cool. You're a pathetic man who killed prostitutes. The only reason you could be "cool" is no one knows who you are. That's not you being cool, that's you being lucky enough to evade being caught. And now you're stating facts again. Jesus Christ. Didn't you just say "silent" last line? Fuck.

You’re in line to be the sixth canonical; I’m evil, diabolical,

This line was made better in the remake. You're not evil nor diabolical, you're a fucking murderer who kills prostitutes. You're the equivalent of the bum across the street who talks to himself in a cardboard box! Listen, dammit!

You’re just a petty police officer; your violent method’s ironical,

No, he's a detective. But that's not my main concern; is "ironical" even a word? Or are you pulling more stuff out of your ass? Keep it in there, please.

I spit Spitalfields, you bathe in blood, I’m sick and twisted, you’re a nut,

More generic insults and fact stating. Now, "spit Spitalfields" is kind of clever, but you really waste it's potential trying to insult someone by calling them crazy after you praise yourself for being the exact same thing for the second time in like, not even six lines. Pull it together.

I’m about to bust you, fuck you over, guess being reborn just wasn’t enough,

What? "Bust you"? "Fuck you over"? Wait... are you going to have sex with him? If so, please don't. Just don't. Also, this makes that last bit even more awful... gross.

I’m a murderous pimp, I walk with a limp, you walk with a prettyboy amusement,

Now you've lost me. You think you're a pimp by murdering prostitutes, you try to make a half assed reference to DRFH and say you're  cool by being crippled, and call someone pretty. You're sending all kinds of signals, and I don't want to recieve them anymore.

'''You forgot how to be human? I never was. Your rubber gloves have other uses,'''

Thanks for confirming who you are. Ladies and gentleman, Jack the Ripper is Bigfoot. He's been cast away for so long, he doesn't insult basic insults. Also "your rubber gloves have other uses". What the fuck? Keep it in your pants... er, uh, nonexistant Bigfoot pants... please.

What’s happening, your abdomen, give you gut feelings like they’re spilling out,

I want too want to know as to exactly what's happening. "Your abdomen". So his abdomen is happening? Did he rupture his appendix or something? Are you a doctor now? This is more half-assed than a person with no legs. No, it's more half assed than what I just said. This is full assed.

Your show was a bore, snore fest, goreless, so is this battle, I’m out.

Thank god damn everything he leaves. It's about time. You make no sense, have terrible insults and even worse brags. Good riddance.

    That verse was a disaster. Hopefully it gets better from here.

Dexter Morgan:

I was wrong.

With your attitude and cockiness, I’m not surprised you got tired,

Do those things correlate at all? He's so full of himself, he's worn out? Isn't it the opposite?

It’ll take time to heal those metaphorical bullet holes with my line of fire,

Where do guns come into play anywhere? And "metaphorical bullet holes" Well no shit. Neither of you use guns, and people call their rhymes bullets all of the time, so it's pretty safe to assume we know it's a metaphor, dipshit. Does anyone here understand how rap battles work?

Go back to London, George Yard, with your words that never hit hard,

Yeah, you tell him! Call his insults weak by making a weak insult! Wait...

You still couldn’t be found if I sliced you up, and tied you to the back of my car,

No, I'm pretty sure he'd be found then. If not by the several flies or crows flying around him, if not the smell, if not by the shape of the bag, then by the fact you're Dexter fucking Morgan. And you have an abnormally large bag on the back of your car. How stupid are you?

I butchered you, so eat my heart out, Dahmer, I’m not affected,

Note to self: Dexter has weird fetishes. Not only does he like blood, the thought of a serial killer devouring his heart by "eating it out" is his best diss. And all this after you "butchered" him. Pick a story and stick to it, geez!

Just a shame you walked out half alive, I wasn’t finished dissecting.

Wait... so you just said you butchered him, but now you aren't done? And now you want him back after telling him off? I'm confused.

Things can only go downhill from here.


 * chainsaw noises*

Genius coding. Didn't know nowiki existed yet, did you?

Dexter Morgan:

The fuck?

This is my reaction to the whole battle.

Jason Voorhees:

Oh, great.

I’m going Black Friday in this bi-yatch, cause I’ll trample this buffoon,

There are so many things I could say here, but, "bi-yatch"? What? Is this a reference to something, or....? Black Friday I understand, but "bi-yatch"? Did you mean to say "bi yacht"? I'd rather see that than this right now, that's for sure.

My dominance is Crystal Clear, cause faking smiles is all he can do.

So, you're dominating the battle with one line because... he fakes his smiles? This battle has beyond lost me now.

Leatherface:

Goodie.

I massacre, I chop emcees, my flow is clean, slick and greasy,

I agree, your flow is disgusting.

It’s time to face it, hiding corpses in obvious places isn’t that sneaky,

Can we just take a moment to marvel at this line. Are we sure Jack didn't return? "Hiding stuff in obvious places is obvious!" Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Jeez, that's three "obvious" in a row. Sorry for that.

Jason Voorhees:

For our boy Jack, we’ll hack this sack, until he’s finally cracked,

So, you're friends with the Ripper now? But, you're fictional, and he's dead. I guess that's somewhat possible seeing as he's technically nonexistant now too, but... time periods, man.

Leatherface:

Shouldn’t mess with guys out of you league, and expect to come back.

Is Letherface just saying things we all know? I think he is. He is. Shut the fuck up. You too, Jason. And Dexter as well. Hell, even Jack. None of you are good rappers, none of you understand what an insult is, and Jack doesn't even understand common logic.

WHO WON?

Nobody.

WHO'S NEXT?

Nobody.

TUNE IN TO FIND OUT!

No thanks.

'''AWESOME RAP BATTLES, 2.0! '''

Get that pretencious title out of here.

In review
This battle is awful. An attrocity. Pathetic and confusing. So many lines were either average, stupid, redundant, and/or confusing. Jack was a mess, Dexter was boring, Jason wasn't needed, and Leatherface especially was not needed. There's a reason I remade this, and the entirety of the above is why.

Thanks for reading.

 Should I do more? Yes (your battles) Yes (Anything) Yes (Both) No