User blog:El Alamein/Donkey Kong vs. Cranky Kong. Epic Rap Battles of Things That Don't Make Sense

So... um, yeah. It's been a while. A month, in fact, so, sorry about that. Life got busy with my next year of college and all that, but I've thankfully gotten a hold of things and I had the time and inspiration to take another crack at the next installment of the series (which has been a long time in the making). I really hope that you guys are having as much fun with these rap battles as I am! Also, as a side note, I am indeed taking suggestions for future battles, and have a couple written down that I intend to try out later. So, without further ado, I present the newest episode of Epic Rap Battles of Things That Don't Make Sense.



Beat: Steven Spielberg vs. Alfred Hitchcock



VS!



Begin!

Lyrics
Donkey Kong

Picture a Kong sitting next to arcades,

Learning from your games how icons are made.

Now picture a nine-million copy industry,

That saved Nintendo with the treasure DKC!

Try to duel with me, Cranky, you must be kidding me,

I'll ride Enguarde and have him stab your kidney!

I'm always so on top of the ropes, I go bananas,

My ground-pound is slamming you up and down, Grampa!

I rock the NES and the Wii!

You rock as many games as your chair in DKC!

Next time you're tossing barrels and you think you're looking so fine,

Check the skies, see me pass you in six seconds on a vine!

I produce merchandise and all kinds of franchises,

You produce shitty brews at even shittier prices!

Maybe next time I visit you'll be a bit more gracious,

Now kiss my bongos and just bask in my greatness!

Cranky Kong
That was a close encounter of the Kong kind,

But there won't be a life balloon this time!

It's sad your Donkey dong can't beat my Wrinkly schlong,

So keep roidin' up so you can still say you're strong!

I'm the master of the games so insane,

No defense against Cranky and his big cane!

My skill's fantastic, your raps are just bombastic,

You're more horrible than Lanky Kong's arms of elastic! (C'mon!)

Bird flashlights and trash sprites to keep your games fun!

I toss barrels and I'm loved by everyone!

I'm the best geriatric ever starred in a classic,

Damage lazy Kongs and haunt you like my wife's ghost in the attic!

Diddy Kong
Woah, gimme a banana, Kong, stop rhyming so Lanky long!

Cranky, you got no style dog, I'm the king of all the Kongs!

There's only one game I know you from,

And I've seen more pixels on screen when I wipe my shit on one!

You tried to be in Smash Bros games but couldn't get sold,

Nintendo wouldn't let you in 'cause you were too old!

Look it up, I just made it up, yeah I'm still that bold!

Now allow me to scold DK the trolled!

Due to the King of Swing a failure's what I'd label you.

It looked like some sellout bullshit Lanky Kong would do.

Ask anybody, "What's your favorite DK game?"

No one's gonna say, "What's that one with the drums that's lame?"

Karts that I race take the ... shortcut!

When I smack foes it's in ... the butt!

Diddy fucking Kong's got that ... funk strut!

A bad motherfucker from the Popgun to the Peanuts!

Funky Kong
Funky is a powerful word,

But there's no reason to get spunky

'Less you're talkin' 'bout this monkey,

Then you know I'm fuckin' hunky!

Everything I do is radical,

Every single beat a chill flow made exactly just as dope as I am!

Hop into my plane and up we'll soar!

I fuckin' fly on my surfboard!

I'll make you learn to love life, I'm the bomb!

Drop ultra-funky rhymes!

Like hang-ten! See you all then!

Beat Donkey Kong and still feel all zen!

Reach my arms out more than Lanky Kong's whack-ass stretch regimen!

Lanky Kong
That's enough! I've heard enough crap from all of you!

Why don't I come down there and show you what a real Kong can do?

I swoop wide with my swingin' arms,

No barrel-toss, I've just got charm!

If there's one thing you'll learn, bitch, it's that I'm motherfuckin' Lanky!

I got that red nose, man, motherfuckin' Lanky!

Even make Chunky look like he's motherfuckin' Swanky!

I sit holed up and get rescued 'cause I'm Aztec Lanky!

Blow the trombone and chill your bones Lanky!

I-don't-give-a-shit Lanky, 'cause I don't give a fuck!

I shoot them grapes in the game 'cause they're based right off my nuts!

Give the gamers what they love while the Kremlings say I'm evil,

Got no time to read reviews 'cause I'm not in major sequels!

Got a gift from my arms and the reach of an eagle!

When it comes to slapping bitches, no gorilla is my equal!

Poll
Who won? Donkey Kong Cranky Kong Diddy Kong Funky Kong Lanky Kong

Hint for next battle (whenever I get around to making it)
Oh hi, Mark!