Moses vs Santa Claus/Rap Meanings

Santa Claus:
Sweet robes, Obi-Wan-too many days in the sun?

(A jab at Moses looking a bit like Obi-Wan Kenobi from "Star Wars", as well as wearing robes in the same manner as Kenobi. Santa's also being sarcastic about Moses' tunic being worn well. Moses' skin was dark from leading the Israelites in the hot desert for years with robes on, so Santa says he's been one too many days in the sun, replacing "one" with "Wan", as in Obi-Wan.)

'''Stop preaching, homie. Teach your flock to covet some fun!'''

(A play on the Commandment, "You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor." Santa says Moses is too uptight trying to administer God's law and that he should teach the Jews to chill out and want some fun instead; maybe they'll be happier for it.)

'''I bring joy every year. Man, I represent cheer!'''

(Santa brings presents for kids once a year, and represents most kids' favorite holiday, Christmas.)

You represent sandals and a scraggly beard.

(Moses appears to symbolize the look of a homeless man according to Santa.)

'''I'm from the North Pole. That's why my rhymes are so cold.'''

(Santa Claus lives at the North Pole. The North Pole is a frosty, cold area, a reason for Santa's "cold" rhymes. A cold phrase generally refers to a phrase or rhyme that is cruel.)

I spit diamonds, but I'm serving up some fresh coal!

(Santa brings coal for naughty kids, implying that Moses is naughty. One of the legends around Santa says that he has the ability to make snow by spitting diamonds, the hardest substance on earth, so he also means that his raps hit hard. Another meaning to this is that coal, when under intense pressure, can turn into diamonds.)

'''You've been a naughty boy. You brought a plague of frogs.'''

(He backs up his claim of Moses being naughty, meaning he won't be getting any gifts this year. The second of ten plagues brought upon Egypt by God through Moses was millions of frogs emerging from the Nile.)

You'd best arrest yourself; you broke your own law!

(Because Moses broke covenant with God, Santa claims he had best turn himself in.)

Or was there something in Rule Six I didn't understand?

(A shot at the Sixth Commandment, "Thou shalt not kill." According to the Bible, Moses killed an Egyptian to protect a Hebrew. Also, because the waters of the Red Sea smothered the Egyptians after the Jews crossed it, Moses could be found to have killed them.)

My list says, "Killed Egyptian dude, buried him in sand"!

(Santa Claus keeps a "nice" and "naughty" list to keep track of who's been good and bad, as well as showing what bad things they have done. According to the naughty list, Moses killed an Egyptian and hid him in the sand where no one could find him.)

'''I read your book. You got a strict religion.'''

(Santa read about Moses's religion, Judaism, and he finds it very strict.)

'''No bacon? But mandatory circumcision?!'''

(Jews are forbidden by Scripture to eat any part of a cloven-hoofed animal that does not chew its cud (i.e. "ruminate") or any animal that is not cloven-hoofed but which chews cud, such as pork or, in this case, bacon. Men of faith are also required to have the foreskin of the penis trimmed, preferably at birth. Santa is stunned that these are even rules to follow.)

I'm a jolly bowl o' jelly, giving holiday presents.

(In the story "The Night Before Christmas", Santa is described as a jolly old elf with his tummy jiggling like jelly when he laughs, bringing gifts during the holidays to the good boys and girls. The auto-caption here displays "jolly bowl a jelly", which makes zero sense except as a recognition error.)

But all the chosen people ever get for Christmas is jealous!

(A pot-shot at the Jews, the "chosen people" who, coincidentally, observe Hanukkah, often prior to Christmas. Santa says here that because Christmas is more popular and brings more gifts, Jews get envious.)

Moses:
When I was high up on the mountain, God revealed the truths of the Earth.

(According to the Jewish religion, God revealed the Ten Commandments to Moses while he was on Mount Sinai. It could also refer to Moses being high on drugs, as he was seen smoking in this part of his verse.)

But he never mentioned a fat-ass Papa Smurf.

(Moses was never told about Santa (mostly because he was from the 1200's BC, long before the story of Santa Claus was thought of). Santa is very fat and sort of looks like Papa Smurf, as they both have white beards. There was also a Smurfs Christmas Special in which Papa Smurf was mistaken for Santa Claus.)

It takes nine reindeers to haul your fat ass.

(Santa uses nine reindeer to pull his flying sleigh; Moses is saying that this is because of his weight.)

You took the Christ out of Christmas and just added more mass.

(Christmas. or "Christ's mass", was developed to celebrate the birth of Jesus in contrast to Roman pagan festivals, according to one of several theories on its origin. With the creation of the modern-day Santa in the 20th century AD, however, the celebration became one based on marketing and buying gifts for children; thus, the true purpose of the holiday is often said to have been lost. Here, Moses may once again be jabbing at Santa's weight, but he's likely criticizing aspects of the Christmas holiday by calling them "more mass".)

You need to stop breakin' into houses and creepin' and peepin'.

(Santa enters kids' houses to give them gifts, and he watches kids when they sleep, sort of like a pedophile.)

On naughty kids while they sleepin' and keep your hands off my stocking.

(Santa knows if you've been "bad or good", and Moses possibly refers to "naughty" kids, meaning there's a sexual connotation to them, and Santa watches these kids in their sleep. He also wants Santa to keep away from his stocking, which is used to put presents in, but Moses doesn't want Santa putting any gifts in his stocking.)

Don't you "Ho Ho" me!

(Santa's catchphrase is "Ho Ho Ho".)

I'll split your ass in half, like I did the Red Sea.

(One well-known part of Moses' story was that God told him to raise his staff when the Egyptians were near, and The Red Sea split, allowing the Hebrews to escape. This even shows up on his background in the rap.)

You ain't a saint, you a slaver, like a pharaoh in the snow.

(Egyptian rulers, or Pharaohs, kept others as slaves. Moses is comparing Santa to the Pharaohs with his elves, and due to this, Santa is not a Saint, which comes from "St. Nicholas".)

Stop with the unpaid labor and let my little people go.

(Santa never pays the elves to our knowledge, which makes it seem like unpaid labor. The phrase "Let my people go" is in the Bible, although it's usually spoken by God, who instructs Moses to tell the Pharaoh, "Thus saith the Lord, Let my people go, that they may serve me." He says to let the little people (Santa's elves) be freed.)

Elves:
We ain't slaves!

(The elves are fighting against Moses's previous lines about them being slaves, denying they're actually being used for free labor.)

All that sand turned your brains to mush!

(Sand, common terrain in Egypt, is abrasive and might turn things into Jell-O-like mush, but the Elves think all that time in the desert has made Moses dumb.)

Santa Claus:
I think you need to stop smokin' all that burnin' bush.

(A critical part of Moses' story is that Moses saw a bush that was burning, but wasn't consumed, Curious, Moses walked over, and God spoke to him, commanding to go back to Egypt. Burning bush, in this case, is referring to drugs, like marijuana, which is "taken" by smoking it, and Santa says it may be making Moses go crazy.)

Elves:
Yeah, we're magical workers, man!

(They're Santa's magical helpers.)

We hang with reindeers.

(One of the elves' duties is to take care of Santa's reindeer.)

Yo, here's a GPS!

(As a present, an elf holds up a GPS for Moses, saying he could use it to find the Promised Land.)

Who gets lost for forty years?!

(This line is inaccurate as in the Bible, God punished the Hebrews for listening to negative speeches from scouts who were in Israel. The punishment was to wander for 40 years, but it probably would not have sounded right in the video.)

Santa Claus:
You're a glorified secretary, so write this down.

(Moses wrote down the Ten Commandments for the Hebrews, which would make him a "glorified secretary".)

Elves:
Begat deez nutz!

("To beget" means "to bring or bear", as in to bear a child, The past tense, "begat", is used frequently in the Bible. Many verses in Genesis document a family history in the form "...and X begat Y, and Y begat Z..." It also references to the Dr. Dre song "Deeez Nuuuts" on "The Chronic" album, which Snoop Dogg (the famous rapper who portrayed Moses in the battle) contributed a part to. But here, the Elf is telling Moses to suck Santa's balls. The way "Begat deez nuts" is said sounds similar to "Because this night," a phrase that normally demonstrates Santa delivering presents every Christmas Eve night.)

Santa Claus:
Santa Claus is coming to town!

("Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" is a popular Christmas carol, and here, Santa says he's making his entrance to beat Moses.) 

Moses:
So much drama in the Israe-L B.C.

(Much turmoil befell the Jews before the time of Christ. The Torah and the Old Testament of the Bible document much of this "drama". The way Moses stars this out is the same way Snoop started out his song, "Gin and Juice". He says, "With so much drama in the L-B-C," L-B-C referring to Long Beach, California. Here, he uses it to refer to Israel in the B.C. age, before Christ.)

It's kinda hard talking directly to the G-O-single-D.

(The next line is also from "Gin and Juice", in which Snoop says, "It's kinda hard being Snoop D-O-double-G." In this line, he talks about the drama making it difficult to communicate with God.)

Hand me my chisel, I got a new commandizzle for y'all.

(Moses wrote down the Ten Commandments on stone plaques with a chisel. Now he wants to write an eleventh. Snoop, playing Moses, tweaked "commandment" with his trademark "-izzle" suffix to keep rhyme with "chisel")

'Thou shalt not let your children sit on a grown man's lap at the mall.'

(Moses is referring to mall Santas, and how kids sit on their laps all day. This would imply that Santa is once again a pedophile. He says this rule in the same way the other Commandments are written, starting with "Thou shalt not".)

I'll beat you ten times before the bread can rise, you dummy,

(Moses saying he'll beat Santa ten times in rhyme before bread leavens, or rises with yeast. During Passover, Jews must eat matzo – a bread that is unleavened and which therefore has no yeast.)

And walk off into the land of my milk and honies.

(He's off to the Promised Land of Canaan, which flows with milk, honey, and apparently, drop-dead gorgeous women, or honeys, as he calls them.)