User blog:BlueFrackle/Fanmade: Confucius vs. Socrates

Since we still have a whole week to wait for the real one, I decided to try writing my own version. Hope you enjoy it!

Cast as I've imagined it:
 * EpicLLOYD as Socrates
 * MC Jin as Confucius
 * Zach Sherwin as Plato
 * KRNFX as Lao Tzu
 * Nice Peter as Aristotle
 * Timothy DeLaGhetto as Sun Tzu
 * Xin Wuku as Han Fei (cameo)

Socrates's background: streets in Athens Confucius's background: a Chinese temple Plato's background: Platonic Academy Lao Tzu's background: Yin-Yang Aristotle's background: the Lyceum Sun Tzu's background: a battlefield

Battle
FANMADE RAP BATTLES OF WHATEVER!!! CONFUCIUS VS. SOCRATES!!! BEGIN!!!

Socrates:

So you call yourself a rapper, tell me: what is rap?

While you think, let me show how Athens got in the map!

I delve in irony but this one is just the best

This time the sun has risen in the West

You're getting beat like in Time Squad, but this time for a reason!

This war will end with more blood than the Peloponnesian

I'm Greek, you're geek, just a lowly ranch cowherd

I got the Method to win and I school you for no charge, nerd

Leave you outclassed and trapped as I just pretend I'm dumber

While spitting fresh rhymes hotter than a Greek summer!

You resigned, embarrassed, after your boss fell to temptation

Imagine the journey you'll go into after your humiliation!

The wise man knows he knows nothing but I do know one thing

This time you're gonna weep on the same day you sing

Confucius:

Rapping king Kong Qiu is coming to stomp hard

This bucolical, historical, rhetorical retard!

A hobo pederastic gadfly who hates books: what an example!

Quit making shoes for the fleas, go meditate in my temple

Straight from Shandong, the Great Sage got the Analects

Keep the tradition and the high morals that you better respect

Your rap sucks! Confucius say: should be ashamed of that shit

Exert some self-discipline and admit your defeat

Shouldn't do to others that which you don't wish upon yourself

You're like a bug-eyed gnome, I got the grace of an elf

You married a girl forty years younger and you still complain?

Create a paradox and taunt folks about things they can't explain?

I'm a beloved teacher, your neighbors served you poison from a flower

You're just a veteran stonecutter in desperate need of a shower

Nobody can stand you nearby, you got no reason to be proud

But I'm the K'ung-fu-tzu and I can kick you to The Clouds

Plato:

By Zeus, you were right, Socrates, this guy needs some education!

Allow me to join and drop him to the ground like pankration!

I'll sink you like Atlantis! With Plato you don't meddle

This is like my Cave Parable: you see nothing but my shadow!

Your rap's more flawed than Athenian democracy

And your victory sounds as likely as your fucking meritocracy!

You're in my Republic now, and it ain't no Greek spa

I punch this paper bag hat and send this freak back to Dagobah!

Within my Academy the rules are strictly clear

Let none who hadn't learned battle rapping enter here

I've seen more coherence from a drunken Alcibiades!

And you still haven't been able to explain what rap is!

Lao Tzu:

The rap which has to be explained is not a true rap at all

Time has passed for these sophists, so accept your downfall

I got the Tao to get this done, besting me is a delirium

I'm the Yin and the Yang, off to bring some equilibrium

Taught Buddha and many others who became iconic

What's going on between you two is far more than platonic

My homeboy Zhuang dreamed he was a butterfly

As Kong says, I'm a dragon rising up to the sky

My mother wished upon a falling star so here I am to stay

Rapping's natural to me, it just flows like wu wei

I'm the Keeper of Archives, 13 times reborn

But the less you speak the better, I'll just ignore your scorn

Then win this battle so swiftly you won't even be aware

Try to hold it but you already lost it beyond repair

But don't worry, you can still enjoy the beauty of all things

And learn to not mess with the author of the Tao Te Ching

Aristotle:

Shut up, you hippie mystic! This is a battle so be stricter

Aristotle arrives to complete the Raphael picture

My rhymes flow like aether; you can't compete with my Poetics

You're just a Laozi soup drinker with no notion of aesthetics

Hiking the stars with Yinxi like an Asian Dr. Who

I got the antithesis to cook you like bird's nest stew!

Your verse was even more laughable than The Tao of Pooh!

When I asked about your fate the Oracle said "Lao who?"

I got the empirical evidence to back my facts

Get mounted on your buffalo and out of here, you quack!

I'm the acropolis OG, invented literary criticism

And when it comes to logic people still use my system

Your Spring and Autumn will be over so prepare for the winter

As I smash you like a rat, call you Master Splinter!

I spit a river of gold, ask Cicero if you can't grasp it

Like a ninja, I can smack a samurai master!

Sun Tzu:

Samurai are from Japan, you Greek asshole!

Prepare to face the ace general from the times of Zhou

I got the superior tactics to bring some lyrical violence

You're nothing but a sexist fuck who knows no shit of art or science!

You love to criticize others but you yourself ain't quite poetic

Playing Obi-wan to Alex but you're just peri-pathetic!

My teachings have been applied to war, sports and economy

You're doing worse in this battle than in animal taxonomy!

You spit more bullshit than your four elements theory so beware

I craft a verbal trap and strike you when you're unprepared!

I put the Army on the March as I Attack by Fire!

I make warriors out of concubines while you play with a lyre!

When it comes to punishment I'm harsher than Han Fei

For if my commands are clear, I off those who disobey!

A good general has five virtues, you three have nothing but dickery

While for the three of us this battle was sure to result in victory

WHO WON?!! YOU DECIDE!!! FANMADE RAP BATTLES OF WHATEVER!!!