User blog:Kungfuguy27/Rod Serling vs R.L. Stine - Lyrically Adequate Battles of Nothing in Particular

A Man and a Fish
Happy Pumpkin Time.

Merry Candy Day.

This battle’s writing has been literally hell. Literally.

Because it features Dante and Satan!?

Because writing is hard, and GravityMaster has been literally whipping us until it was finished. Delaying the battle? More like delaying my chance at happiness and freedom.

Man, that’s 2deep4me.

Deeper than my home, which I will never see again, Blub.

You know what else you’ll probably never see again!? The release of a decent Goosebumps book :^)

Oooh, sizzity snapple.

…

You guys can read the title. You know who both these fuckers are. I’M OUT TO MAKE MY ESCAPE GOODBYYYYYYYYYYE

Bran had a Halloween party to go to and left me to finish the battle on my own :(

Shit, I just realized I haven’t made the iTunes cover yet…

Welp.

Guess I better get back to work. That’s my own dime I’m wasting.

The Battle
LYRICALLY ADEQUATE RAP BATTLES OF NOTHING IN PARTICULAR...

R.L. STINE…

[An old man fitted in a black turtleneck under an old trench coat, R.L. Stine,, stands upon the top of a hill. The hill, grassy and dry, looks upon a normal suburban small town. Children play all around, but what Stine pays attention to is his foe, staring back toward him. In his hand, he grips a suitcase… much tighter than he would most other things, as this one contains a great evil, that may spread if it even cracks open. You wouldn’t think that upon looking at him… you’d merely see what looks like a jovial uncle, or possibly a spry, youthful grandfather.]

VERSUS…

ROD… SERLIIIIIIIIIIIING!

[Within the fifth dimension stands the stupendously dressed Rod Serling. Behind him, floating through space, can be seen a giant floating eyeball, clock, and a door in a doorframe. He steps through the doorway into an endless desert which appears to stretch on infinitely, the only landmarks being the occasional dotting of a jagged rock structure. Either Rod doesn’t notice, or he doesn’t care, as his face is completely clear of any sort of emotion… he simply stares through the barrier between himself and his opponent, clearing his throat to speak.]

 Rod Serling: 

There is a realm of imagination, quite unlike the world you’d recognize

A dimension of impossibility, where something decent comes from Stine

You find yourself wandering, wondering if you’re alone

Then, you step to your better, prepare to enter.. The Twilight Zone.

I stand out like that mole on your head, I’ll break your face like I do the mould

You should take pride in your work, not in spooking twelve year olds

Spend some more time on your craft, and less invested in besting me

The only thing that ever died in your books was your sense of artistic integrity.

 R.L. Stine: 

Kafka Called, Creep, he wants back his blandness

You’re in for a ride, Rod, welcome to Horrorland, bitch!

Rap Lessons Can Be Murder; you’re getting Scream School’d

Learn To Serve, Man! The proud King of kid’s lit rules

Best-sellers, World Records, some time you should try it

You’re displayed on cheap cable while Gulliver makes me giant

Duller than your color scheme, you’re making people snore

It’s Serling’s turn.. Viewers abhor, you’re in for a bore!

 Rod Serling: 

This is a rap battle, Jovial Bob, not a joke magazine

You’re as Bananas as your protagonists to step up to battle me

Your dummy series is cheesier than Little Caesar’s pizza

We’re crossing dimensions, I’ve got a pal just itching to meet’cha

[A bizarre occurrence befalls our two rappers. The world appears to dissolve around them, becoming an endless black eternity. While Serling barely acknowledges the change, Stine appears more annoyed than distraught or frightened. A dim light switches on, and they find themselves in a very finite area-- the home of the Crypt Keeper .]

 Crypt Keeper: 

GOOD EVENING BITCHES AND GHOULS!

Keeper’s creeping out the Crypt to come cripple some fools!

You turned our genre to such shit, my magazines went MAD!

Your success were birthed from I, don’t need a paternity test to know I’m the Dad!

Serling and I spill Dragon’s Blood, your Monsters will be next

I was itching to scratch you, so nice to meet you in the flesh!

[Stine opens the suitcase. Resting on a bed of Goosebumps manuscripts is the maniacal puppet, Slappy the Dummy!]

 Stine   and  Slappy  :

Karru Marri Odonna Loma Karrano!

What can I say?! Slappy is more than just a cameo!

It’s pretty tough to out-cheese the Emcee of EC

Punt and punish your overuse of puns, beating you easily

You’re broken, Rod, I’ll smoke you like those choking fits and starts

I’ll novelize you dying, title it “Attack of the Heart!”

I’ll shut you down, Keeper, call me the Comics Code!

Your series is on ice, it’s a ‘Comic A La Mode’!

R.L.’s better than verminous veterans at bringing pain

I’ll spill this killer’s Monster Blood like it was Red Rain!

I heard your verses, Serling, gotta say, not diggin’ it

Try this on for size: “Night of the Living Idiots!”

[The rappers attention is diverted to the sound of an odd whirring. They both glance in the direction of the noise’s origin, and come to witness a UFO hovering over a wheatfield outside the Keeper’s window. None of them are too surprised. A beam shoots down on to the ground, and a mysterious figure is beamed down… he begins rapping.]

 ???: 

May the audience at home take solace in this…

The Earth has turned, it's Night's time to shine...

What a twist!

[Emerging from the wheatfield and kicking open the door… M. Night Shymalan !]

 Shymalan: 

Zone had its run, now it’s only known for its theme

I’ll doo-doo-doo-doo-do-to-you-what Airbender did to me

All your petty twist endings are far too placid to surpass me

There’s a scarier Canadian craft than Crypt called Degrassi!

You’ll find that only 90’s kids remember Stine, and that’s just fine

‘Cause Rod’s demographic has been on decline since ‘69

Nostalgia’s the only reason any of you are even relevant

Your derivative plotlines, against the genius I invent!

Can the midget-fister grip the mic with that splinter in his hands?

Can the pedo dead wood dummy keep his toothpick in his pants?

(Don’t call me a du-) What?! Is that offensive to you?!

I’ll try something more accurate-- A fucking Chucky lawsuit!

I’ve seen spookier shit on the Simpsons-- The Shinning!

Call these bitches Bruce Willis ‘cause they were dead from the beginning

Poll
''Who Won? You Decide!'' Serling/Keeper Stine/Slappy Shymalan

''Who's Next? Leave a comment!''