User blog:Jella141/George Washington vs Washing Machine - Historical Epic Rap Battles Off-Season (4th of July Special)



George Washington vs Washing Machine is the second installment of Historical Epic Rap Battles - Off-Season. It features the first President of the United States, George Washington, rapping against mechanical appliance used to clean laundry, a washing machine, to see who truly deserves the title of "washing" in their name. It was released on July 4th, 2016.

Cast
Nice Peter as George Washington,  Thomas Jefferson , and  Abe Lincoln

EpicLLOYD as a washing machine (voice only) and Theodore Roosevelt

Mike Betette as a bald eagle (voice only)

Intro










George Washington:
(Beat starts at 0:14)

It's me, George W, about to put you in a spin.

Rapping against a washing machine? You gotta be joking.

I was in office before you were born.

I'm so dark, just like Ozzy Osborne.

Get the black socks out of you, just like my country.

I chop you down like a cherry tree.

I'm coming in to destroy you from the top.

Loading up, just waiting for you to go pop.

Washing Machine:
(0:29)

I'll deter-gent your rebuttal! I don't give a sheet how long you were in office!

I'm a lean, mean washing machine; your wrinkly cunt should still be in a coffin!

I usually keep things pristine and clean, but on the mic, I'm simply dirty!

You couldn't even impregnate your own wife; I guess her ex was just more worthy!

Women love it when I unload! I'm flowing more fluently than any cleaning fluid!

Why the stone-cold face? Salty 'cause I'm wetting more panties than you ever could?

Cheer up, and go eat a plump dick with those rickety, rotting sheep teeth!

I'm an epic, electric, appliance, bitch! Your defeat's just rinse, diss, and repeat!

George Washington:
(0:58)

I'm coming back bigger, but I better not drop the soap.

This rap would be better if I was rapping against a telescope.

Washington here, climbing the Rushmore mountain.

I could destroy you and make you into a water fountain.

OG George, who is the father of the states.

Anyone can operate you, including those dumb primates.

You won't believe what I have done:

Just destroyed a washing machine with a water gun!

Washing Machine:
(1:12)

That's all you got? I expected a Washing-ton more from the Father of His Country!

You best be Del-aware, I ain't given in till I've torn down your entire nation's economy!

Indecisively led your troops into battle, and managed to triumphantly come out an even bigger douche!

I mean, you're an actual dick with all that power; almost gettin' to the point of abuse!

Not to mention your slavery, and your other faults! I wish I had hands so I could slit my wrists!

I feel like my cousin, the toilet, 'cause you're starting to literally give me the shits!

I'm lyrically peaked at the top of this mountain! I'd diss you some more, but I really gotta Rush!

Come back when you've recuperated from this loss! This Frowning Father looks like he's endured enough!

Wait… what the fuck is that?

[Suddenly, the faces of three familiar figures appear and come to life on Mount Rushmore.]



Thomas Jefferson:
(1:56)

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect flow union,

Establish justices on your asses, and come forth in defense of our dude foolin'

With the Father of Our Country, but I'm the Father of my slave's Cuntry!

By the way, you Liberal bitches, she begged not to be set free by my liberty tree!

She was my wife's half-sister; man, that shit is as hot as my raps,

But thanks to washing machine, I have no more use for her black ass,

Aside from cummin' in it, so open up for my red, white, and blue semen-stained jeans!

I love the black people! That's why my mac and cheese is sold cheap!



Theodore Roosevelt:
(2:17)

What's up, bitches? Heard my fellow American was getting heckled!

I hope you're ready to be dazzled by Roosevelt; my career's star-spangled!

I'll deliver another speech to Congress just to bust your company!

I speak softly, but if you don't agree, that'll be the end of diplomacy!

You're useless! You cause thousands of injuries and use up so much power!

If you would work, I'd tell you to put those filthy lines in you for a good whir!

To ensure no teddy bear's ever going in there, I'll just place some coins inside!

You'll go apeshit crazy and break down, and that'll be your end: tossed aside!



Abe Lincoln:
(2:39)

It takes four score and seven hours to put you into my house!

I could have been quicker with the Civil War versus the South!

It's just faster to use the slaves than your laundromat!

50 cents and you can't even wash the blood off my Abra-hat!

Because I was shot at a theater; you were just made by unpaid labor!

Washing machine should probably be called the "Please Do My Wife a Favor"!

Yeah, you know, I'm Lincoln, so don't be thinkin' that you can Bosch me! I'm OG!

You're LG! I'm President of the United States; you're the President of Hitachi!

Washing Machince:
(3:00)

Damn, George. I thought you fought your own battles; none of this intervenin'.

Had to bring your pitiful party to help you out, while I'm independently spittin' steam and,

Fuck off, Jefferson! You're not in it for justice; you're just in it for the greed,

But congrats on composing your own verse instead of gettin' your black minions to do the deed!

Roosevelt's gonna loose his pelt after I've scalded his skin to the bone!

I understand you got a hard on for wildlife, but keep that shit to when your wife ain't home!

I respect the work you did Lincoln, but freeing the slaves didn't fix your primate face!

You're all in denial of my acclaim to fame; must be the maggots rotting your brains from the grave!

CAWWWWW!

Huh?



Bald Eagle:
(3:47)

Now, listen up, everyone: the bald eagle is coming at ya!

No one likes you, white boy! I'm the face of America!

We got two slave owners and one toy maker!

Everyone loves me 'cause I'm 'Murica! Fuck yeah!

I shoot disses right at ya like I'm on the John Wilkes Booth!

I'm timeless and iconic, while you're forgotten by the youth!

You got that valvety three-piece suit! Your wears ain't that special!

From head to claw I'm supreme, and I'm not wearing any clothes!

So I don't need this machine! I don't find you very useful!

You were made in China when I got my SEAL of approval!

I rap faster than you breaking down, you humongous, loud junk,

But now everyone calm the fuck down, and it's time to get drunk!

'Cause I represent the USA, and I got something to say:

It's the 4th of July, the day we said "fuck you" to UK!

It's the day of our freedom, celebrated in the American way!

Join the gun show and get some fireworks display!

We can be more 'merican than Michael fucking Bay !

'Cause we have an eagle, four presidents; we ain't no KKK!

So put down the mic 'cause right now you ain't my prey!

Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!

Outro












Poll
Who Won? George Washington Washing Machine Thomas Jefferson Theodore Roosevelt Abe Lincoln Bald Eagle

Credits
Segamad66 as George Washington

Jella141 as the washing machine

GravityMan as Thomas Jefferson

AttackEyebrows12 as Theodore Roosevelt

RapperRapRapp as Abe Lincoln

Teddyfail as the bald eagle