User blog:Mortal5075/My confession/opening up to ones I care about and a request for life advice

It hasn't been long since I've been in this wikia. A year since I joined, but only a month since I started to come here every day. And there is only reason why I started to do that is one particular user who I fell in love with. This user could come at any time of the day, and with time it was more and more rare, so it was more and more valuable when they do. But with time, I don't come in the chat just for them, I also come for just any other person here that I can have a chat with. I care about everyone in this world and I believe there is some good in everyone, and so I want everyone to be happy. But sometimes I question myself if I'm overdoing it.

My life does not change, yet I do, and that's what makes it weird. For last week, I've had this very strong fear that the ones I love and care about will die or that I will die and I think how people would react to it. I've searched about that and it is usually caused because of the past trauma that happened, and I didnt have one, it all came out of nowhere. And so I am sad inside, for no good reason too. But outside, I am happy, and this brings me to my point.

I was always an optimist, and I still am. I appreciate every single part of my life and never whine, therefore I am happy. But I feel like this happiness is a mask that hides me. I'm being happy just so others can be happy too, and I don't know if it is worth it to do that. For the last week, I'm trying to make jokes and make others laugh, but it is not as effective as before. My happiness is more like an excuse to not be sad and less me actually being happy. I don't know wht do i need to fo so that's why I'm posting this blog. Shall I continue hiding my true emotions and be happy for the sake of other people being happy too or screw it and just be myself? As obvious the answer may sound like, I'm more for pretending to be happy. I care about others living a good life more than me living a good life, and I don't understand why do I need to be myself because I can be someone much better. I want people I talk with like me not symthasise me and create a big deal out of it.

Because, just to make it clear, this is not a big deal, and I am not suffering or have some depression. It is just my emotions are really conflicted right now and I wanted to share that in order to ask advice. I am generally happy, I don't want people to worry about me like I have suicidal thoughts, because I am alright and I live a good life, maybe a bigger one than I deserve. Thank you for paying attention.

As a sidenote, thanks to one user for talking to me about it yesterday, I appreciate it. You inspired me to write this.