User blog:Amontgomery1432/Amont's Amateurish Analytics: Episode 4 - Greg Heffley vs Anne Frank by Lazy Polar Bear

First off, I wanna give a huge shout out to Lemon for making the iTunes cover you see over there in the template. There wasn't one with the actual video actors in it that I could find, so he made one. It looks great, and I greatly appreciate your services, Lemon <3 You do God's work. Also, hi everyone. Welcome back to Amont's Amateurish Analytics. Today's battle is Greg Heffley vs Anne Frank by Lazy Polar Bear. You might know him as the guy that did Castiel vs Helena a few years ago, but Greg vs Anne was his first attempt at a rap batle. It's also his most infamous attempt at a rap battle, and I refuse to let it be lost to time. It is my duty as the resident Rap Ranter Netflix adaptation to review this battle.

I guess LPB's channel was purged off of YouTube or some shit, cause I can't find it anywhere. That would normally mean that this battle would've been lost to time, but I was able to find a reupload via a YouTuber called "IReuploadVideos". So, thank you to him/her/them for digging up this lost piece of gold for our entertainment. And, holy Turkish Charles Manson do I mean "entertainment" This isn't a rap battle, this is a religious experience. If you watch this and you don't come out of it feeling closer to some sort of higher power, then there's truly no hope for your soul.

As far as a connection goes, it isn't bad. I personally prefer Heffley vs Big Nate, but I can't deny that Greg vs Anne Frank peaks my interest. Mostly cause, like, you know going into it that it's gonna piss you off in some way. I already know I'm gonna hate this, but maybe there'll be something to genuinely admire about it on top of the Holocaust jokes. Probably not, though, if I'm being real about this lol. Anywho, here's Greg Heffley vs Anne Frank. As usual, battle dialogue is written in bold and my commentary is written in italics. Strap on your cringe boots, boys and girls. This one's a doozy. Greg's face in the thumbnail sums it up perfectly lmao



Announcer:
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORYYYYY

(Couldn't come up with an original name, eh? Not gonna lie, I'm kinda curious as to how ERB would handle this matchup lmao. Nice piss yellow background, by the way. Is this foreshadowing?)

GREG HEFFLEY

(Eyy, that's not a bad costume. LPB has the look of the book version of Heffley down very well, even down to resembling him facially. The only complaint I have is the hair, although I will concede that that'd be a pretty difficult hairstyle to pull off. It gets a pass)

VS

(Oh, fuck. That was a jumpscare and a half, I'll tell you what)

AAANNE FRAAANK

(Not a bad costume, but it doesn't really scream "I am Anne Frank" to me. I see what Lunokii was going for, though. A for effors, B- for results. Now, please, stop staring at me like that)

BEGIN

(Jesus, can you stop jumping out at me like that? I'm watching a rap battle, not playing Outlast)

Greg Heffley:
Oh, gross!

(What's gross? This matchup?)

Battling you is worse than being around Fregley

(Shit, dude. That's just mean)

But, just like your face, this match is gettin' ugly

(Firstly, "Fregley" and "ugly", although synonymous, do not rhyme. Secondly, you have no idea how right you are in saying that. Just wait a little bit, buddy)

Spit attacks so fast, you will Nazi them coming

(Funee)

Anne Frankly, I got you cornered, so you can't hit the ground running

(Good pun, and I always appreciate a good pun, but it would work better, personally speaking, if you add a comma in front of the word "Anne". So it's like, "Anne, Frankly, I got you cornered". Just looks better, y'know? Would've made this a better line. Also, not wanting the second part of the battle to be filler, I Google'd "Anne Frank hit the ground running" and this popped up, so have fun with that)

It's a good thing you never grew up-

(Holy fuck, Greg is a savage)

-weinerschnitzel eater!

(What do you have against schnitzels, man? Fuck you)

With all of those guests, you couldn't have Van Daan anything with Peter

(Oooh, that's good. That a fuckin bar, right there)

Analyze these fatal words, and you'll die from concentration

(Oh FUCK DUDE LMAO NOOOO)

Come out and meet the fate of your tiny little nation!

(Greg, calm down. It's not that serious)

Anne Frank
How typical of you to treat ladies this way

(I know he's a bit of a hopeless romantic, but I don't remember Greg ever wishing Holocaust-esque tragedy upon Holly)

But you're a chicken who won't get a chick, and that's all I have to say

(Funee. Also, you're done already? There's still a minute left in the battle. Tf are you on?)

You're no good at pimpin', as any girl can see

(I don't remember that part of the books. Although, the image of Greg Heffley walking around in a pimp outfit with his own set of hoes is pretty fuckin' great)

Right now, you must feel awkward just talking to me

(Oof lol. That's pretty funny, no lie. Probably the best line in the whole battle so far)

A disgrace to all people, a wannabe weirdo

(Boy, am I glad shoulder shots in fanmades stopped. Also, holy fuck what are these faces the shots froze on? Lunokii is very pretty, but these are not flattering stills)

And, just to be here, you'd have an Amster-damn large ego

(Good pun, but Greg is the last person in the world I'd expect to be full of himself. Have you read/seen anything he's been in? We'll be lucky if the kid is still alive by the age of 20)

Loser, you're less cool than your fat friend Rowley

(Watch your tongue, you shit. Rowley is THICC and you know it)

I'll shoot this wuss blankly, you can call me Annie Oakley!

(The term is "point blank", for future reference. Unless you're referring to your facial expressions, that is. In which case, the wording checks out)

Greg Heffley:
'''You don't scare me! I can face anyone without panic'''

(Yeah, aside from Rodrick. Oops)

You hide from your problems by living in an attic

(Oh Christ! Dude, fuckin Greg has no absolutely chill right now lmfao)

'''You're such a Rodrick! You're so frickin' over hyper!'''

(What? I don't remember Rodrick being especially hyper in the movies or the books. He had his moments where he had energy, sure, but that dude as asleep more often than a cat)

I've heard better crap from Manny while he had a Loaded Diper

(Funee. Also gross. Also, damn. Another good line. Not bad)

After this battle, your family won't be the only thing you've lost

(What, you're gonna break into her house and steal all her shit as well? You're a monster)

Cause your raps are worse than the entire Holocaust!

(WHAT IN UNHOLY NAME OF MY DOG'S COCK DID YOU JUST SAY!? Duuuude, what the fuh-huck lmaooo, no! Oh, my God, there is so much edge in this battle that my body is in physical pain from in)

Anne Frank:
You Wimpy Kid, you're the sole definition of a dork

(Wait, we're back to Anne already? Greg got a six-line second verse? Three stanzas instead or two or four? That's unnatural, but okay. It's good we got off of Greg before he started singing "Pumped Up Kicks" at us. Anyway, pretty fun way of referencing the name of the books. Nice job there)

I would slap the crap outta pigs like you, but I'm not allowed to touch pork

(Not gonna lie, this is a pretty fire line. I like-a dis. What I don't-a like is Anne's horrifically off-beat flow in her second verse. That's what happens when you don't even up your bars, you foolish mortal)

You try to get rich and popular, but you'll never beat my posthumous fame

(You died a hero amidst one of the worst tragedies in human history, Grag is just a dorky tween in high school. I feel like this comparison isn't really fair)

Like the rest of your stick figure family, I guess you were just born lame

(Decent line, I guess. Not good for a finisher, but it isn't bad)

Announcer 2: Freddy's Revenge
WHO WON?

(Idk, man, this felt like a tie)

WHO'S NEXT?

(Well, let's just say that I felt I was /summoned/ to review this next one)

YOU DECIDE!

(Is that a screenshot from the Wiki? Nice, dude. Maybe you'll see this review lol. Also, waaaait, what does that say?)



(Night wrote this shit!? Well, damn. On the one hand, I gotta give him props for writing good lyrics, and, on the other hand, this battle becomes worse with the knowledge that he was involved. Ah, well. Leave it to Night to write about kids, am I right? Haha, gottum)

Conclusion:
Greg Heffley vs Anne Frank was an interesting beast. In some respects, I have to admire it. Most of the lyrics are really good, Greg's costume is nice, the beat is catchy, and I have to give it props for going all out when dissing Anne. Some of this shit was ballsy as hell. They turned Greg into an absolute fucking monster. Not in character, sure, but it's entertaining enough to warrant a pass this one time. This battle is fun, but that doesn't necessarily make it good. Anne's costume needs work, the backgrounds are kinda boring, neither of the rappers sound confident in what they're saying, and, good heavenly turtle boner, Anne's second verse was awful. It was okay lyrically, but what the fuck was that flow? Not that I think about it, the flow on both sides was a little wonky. With LPB, it was tolerable, but you could tell that Lunokii didn't have much rapping experience. Overall, I give this a solid 5. It would've been a six, but Night was involved with it lol. Which gives me an idea. You know how Hippie Rat would sometimes rewrite battles he'd review? Well, I thought I should do that for this battle, given who initially wrote it. I promise, I'm not problematic lol. Not too much.

I couldn't find the original beat, so this one will have to do lol

Rewrite:
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF FUCK YOU

'I guess lol. Not really sure why I'm doing this, to be honest'

GREG HEFFLEY

VERSUS

AAAANE FRAAAAAAANK

BEGIN

Greg: (Starts at 0:21)
I read about you in history class. Your name is one I know,

Aren't you the girl that took credit for something that her father wrote?

I got a sharp wit, and I'll use it to chop off that "mess of curls"

Get back behind that bookshelf, your face makes me wanna hurl

Let's take A Critical Approach: You're a loser in an attic

Praying for the day that the Americans came to reek havoc

Frankly, Anne, what happened to you was awful. There's no denying it,

But, if you think you've passed the gas, then you're a lying twit!

Anne: (Starts at 0:42)
With that vegetable on your head, you're one to talk about hair

I'd send you crying to your parents, but I know they wouldn't care

You dweeb. Why are you here? You knew I'd leave you in the muck

Dating is a fantasy, so talking to me's gotta suck!

The closest you'll ever get to pussy is me writing about mine

And I'll be Amster-damned if I'm to let this pansy win this fight

Your social life's in shambles. Coming from me, that's a shame

I've just played you so hard, your maker had to put you in his game!

Greg: (Starts at 1:04)
Alright, that's The Last Straw! You wanna put my love life on blast?

Considering your time with Peter, your D-Day's already came and passed

The only journalist here is me. You're daydreaming harder than I do

I would've thought concentration would be easy for you!

Anne: (Starts at 1:15)
Your books are God-awful, and your movies are a bore

I thought I knew broken families, until I saw yours

After I've given you more scars than your brother ever did,

They'll change the name of your franchise to Death of a Wimpy Kid!

WHO WON?

WHO CARES?

I'M NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF FUCK YOU!

Which version was better? The one I wrote The one I reviewed MAKE I HATE MARS BARS

God, I felt awful writing that lol. That's probably the worst thing I've ever written, but maybe it was a fun read. Idk lmao, I'm probably just an asshole. It's possible. Oh, well lol. I have a few battles in the works that I'm excited for you to see, as well as a few out-of-Wiki projects. Yee. I'm interested in collaborating with my fellow Wiki friends for some songs, one of which is already planned. And I have 50 of these reviews fully planned out now, taking a look at 20 different serieses. Where the reviews go from there is uncertain, but at least the path is clear now. Yee. Rather than asking for suggestions, I will either give you hints or just outright say what the next battle is. Next up, we'll be taking a look at a series run by someone here on the Wiki. Yee, see you beautiful people next time!