User blog:Minipop56/Literal Review: Batman vs Sherlock Holmes

Batman:

'''Nice hat, dork. You look like a duck.'''

Okay.

'''I had Alfred read your books. He told me they suck.'''

Let's all give a huge round of applause to this Alfred, for his advanced and complex word usage, and his massive bank of two words which seems to be aggrandising by the minute: "you" and "suck".

I'll crush your British nuts until they're bangers and mash.

I didn't know that nuts could have nationalities.

I've seen better detective work in Tango & Cash.

Well, that's a matter of opinion, isn't it?

You chump, I kick punks like you off the streets,

Do you really have nothing else to call him but a chump and a punk? Oh, I see. You're learning majority of your vocabulary from Alfred.

While you and Velma here are solving Scooby-Doo mysteries.

Hang on. Let's just pause. You're saying that the solution of your mysteries are "kicking punks like Sherlock off the streets"?

Nothing makes me laugh, but I bet your raps can.

You're saying that Sherlock's raps will include clever wordplay and well thought-out insults which make people laugh?

'''So bring it on, bitch... I'm Batman!'''

Your title card told the tale! I have said this for every single literal review so far!

<p style="text-align:justify;">Sherlock Holmes:

<p style="text-align:justify;">I once met a rich fellow who smelled of guano and pain.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Okay, so this guy needs to have a shower.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Dr. Watson:

<p style="text-align:justify;">Holmes, explain.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Explain this stench.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Sherlock Holmes:

<p style="text-align:justify;">I deduce this deuce stain is Bruce Wayne!

<p style="text-align:justify;">No sh*t, Sherlock. Everybody seems to know that.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Dr. Watson:

<p style="text-align:justify;">The billionaire?

<p style="text-align:justify;">Shut up; Holmes is being epic and you're just inquiring about how much money he has.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Sherlock Holmes:

<p style="text-align:justify;">Yes, his wealth would allow this adversary of ours,

<p style="text-align:justify;">Thus, Bill Gates must be Batman!

<p style="text-align:justify;">To afford the toys he needs

<p style="text-align:justify;">Toys? They're highly advanced pieces of equipment!

<p style="text-align:justify;">Dr. Watson:

<p style="text-align:justify;">Since he has no superpowers!

<p style="text-align:justify;">Agreed.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Sherlock Holmes:

<p style="text-align:justify;">'''You want a battle, bat? Bring it then!'''

<p style="text-align:justify;">He just said "bring it on". How does that not imply that he wants a battle?

<p style="text-align:justify;">Dr. Watson:

<p style="text-align:justify;">I heard he has a British butler.

<p style="text-align:justify;">So relevant, Watson. Sometimes, your ability to make random and idiotic comments astounds me.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Sherlock Holmes:

<p style="text-align:justify;">'''Good! Then he'll be used to getting served by Englishmen!'''

<p style="text-align:justify;">And that's good? Don't you want to cause as much pain as possible?

<p style="text-align:justify;">You're a wack vigilante black pantied spud with no skill.

<p style="text-align:justify;">"Wack". Such modern slang.

<p style="text-align:justify;">My sidekick's a doctor

<p style="text-align:justify;">Well, if he's your sidekick, then can you tell him to SHUT THE-!

<p style="text-align:justify;">Dr. Watson:

<p style="text-align:justify;">Because his flows are so ill!

<p style="text-align:justify;">Don't interrupt me!

<p style="text-align:justify;">Batman:

<p style="text-align:justify;">'''Shut up, nerds. I serve justice, so eat it.'''

<p style="text-align:justify;">You're telling me to swallow justice, thus you are telling me to rid justice of existence, and therefore bring injustice into play. You just told me to make humanity unjust, and as a result, you told me to make the world an anarchic place! Do you have no heart, Batman? And you're supposed to be a vigilante!

<p style="text-align:justify;">Oh ... unless I poo out justice, which in that case telling me to eat justice is perfectly fine. This is why one should never put the word justice in a metaphor.

<p style="text-align:justify;">My sidekick only comes around...

<p style="text-align:justify;">Yes? Tell me more.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Robin:

<p style="text-align:justify;">...When he's needed!

<p style="text-align:justify;">So he's needed?

<p style="text-align:justify;">Boy wonder make ya wonder how your ass got killed.

<p style="text-align:justify;">What did you just say?

<p style="text-align:justify;">Bite harder than those hounds down in Baskerville.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Those hounds down in Baskerville bite people's ... things.

<p style="text-align:justify;">I'll bust you with that bat-wack-rap repellant.

<p style="text-align:justify;">I still don't know what your point is.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Rappel a building, snatch a villain, then by dinner be chillin'.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Aren't you supposed to be eating at dinner, not chilling an ice cream or whatever?

<p style="text-align:justify;">Got a secret 'bout your homegirl Irene Adler.

<p style="text-align:justify;">I'm part of the gossip fan club. Please tell.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Took her back to my nest to "bam pow kersplat" her.

<p style="text-align:justify;">You are officially a robber.

<p style="text-align:justify;">I'll shatter that fiddle with a chop of the hand!

<p style="text-align:justify;">Quite literally, that translates to "I will break that string instrument with a slice of the extremity at the end of the arm."

<p style="text-align:justify;">'''Holy Conan Doyle, let's get 'em! Aw *** damn!'''

<p style="text-align:justify;">Two blasphemies in one line! That is quite impressive!

<p style="text-align:justify;">Batman:

<p style="text-align:justify;">'''You're not smart, you're selfish. You endanger everyone's life.'''

<p style="text-align:justify;">Not you again. I was actually enjoying Robin's part.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Why don't you let your boyfriend here go home to his wife?

<p style="text-align:justify;">You're one to talk.

<p style="text-align:justify;">'''Nobody likes you. Not your brother, not your partner, not Scotland Yard!'''

<p style="text-align:justify;">Actually, I am a fan of his literature. It's very well-written.

<p style="text-align:justify;">You'll die alone with no friends except that needle in your arm!

<p style="text-align:justify;">How can a needle be one's friend?

<p style="text-align:justify;">Sherlock Holmes:

<p style="text-align:justify;">*Thinking*

<p style="text-align:justify;">Oh my. You are thinking.

<p style="text-align:justify;">This mustn't register on an emotional level...

<p style="text-align:justify;">Indeed.

<p style="text-align:justify;">'First, exploit childhood tragedy... then gesture with pipe...'

<p style="text-align:justify;">Amazing move in a rap battle: gesturing with a pipe.

<p style="text-align:justify;">'Watson finishes punchline... next, acknowledge compliment...'

<p style="text-align:justify;">Amazing move in a rap battle: acknowledging a compliment.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Conclude with killer catchphrase...

<p style="text-align:justify;">*End thought*

<p style="text-align:justify;">So you're not thinking anymore?

<p style="text-align:justify;">I believe your parents' homicide is why you mask your face.

<p style="text-align:justify;">I think it already registered on an emotional level.

<p style="text-align:justify;">You're shamed and traumatized and haunted by the vast disgrace

<p style="text-align:justify;">I'm shamed and traumatized and haunted by the vast disgrace ... of your terrible rapping! *BA-DUM CRASH!*

<p style="text-align:justify;">Of watching like a passive waste as momma died and daddy was dispatched with haste!

<p style="text-align:justify;">But seriously, this is a good verse.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Dr. Watson:

<p style="text-align:justify;">Holmes, you've cracked the case!

<p style="text-align:justify;">Sherlock Holmes:

<p style="text-align:justify;">You're a batshit crazy basket case!

<p style="text-align:justify;">Language, Sherlock. Oh, no sh*t!

<p style="text-align:justify;">Dr. Watson:

<p style="text-align:justify;">Bloody good rhymes!

<p style="text-align:justify;">Language, Sherlock. Oh, no sh*t!

<p style="text-align:justify;">Sherlock Holmes:

<p style="text-align:justify;">I've got tonnes.

<p style="text-align:justify;">Of rhymes? How can you have tonnes of an abstract noun?

<p style="text-align:justify;">Dissing these dynamic douchebags was elementary, my dear Watson.

<p style="text-align:justify;">What's next, then?

<p style="text-align:justify;">Dr. Watson:

<p style="text-align:justify;">OHHHHHHH!!! Shut up this instance!