User blog:Avatar XIII/Battle Raps of Epic History 1: Ivan the Terrible vs Alexander the Great

Hey guys, AXIII here with a new series. I got this idea from a video created by ERB Mother Fucker on youtube. He does all kind of weird things to ERB videos including playing some ERB's backwards. This has some humorous results. Anyways, onto the battle.

Link to his battle

Catherine the Great:
Checkmate! Empress to Tsar 8 bitch

I'm far more great, so don't call me Queen

Bringing sexy back to House Romanov

Peter the Great left off, I'm picking up where

If this were Russian roulette, couldn't spin in my chamber, nyet

But you're never gonna get it

Though I do keep 'em chomping at the bit

That horse story is a pile of shit

Ivan the Terrible:
I hear you enjoy the saddle, accept this gift Your Highness

To beat me in a battle, what a beautiful Queen!

Catherine the Great:
Cause I settled it. This whole battle's like Alaska

That you just can't meddle with, I'm a boss bitch

And right into the golden age, straight out the olden days

I brought the Russian Empire, the European powers with the wars I waged

You're unbalanced like I unbalanced, through your own son, that you stuck a spike

Such sick shit going through your brain, was a crazy one

When the state of your head, how are you the head of our state?

You're a rodent, I'm a cat. I'm cat. It takes a Russian to take down a Russian

Those aren't worthy opponents. Macedonians, Prussians, and Romans

Ivan the Terrible:
Pompey! What about me? Cause no great can beat me

And another great victory, it's another great day

On the garrote wire, but at least I saved the rubles

My expectations were a lot higher

Why don't you drop dead Fred?! And just rest my little head

But I'll take a break instead, I'd keep ripping you to shreds

So of course take a seat, I know when I am beat

Oh what a humiliating defeat!

Frederick the Great:
Cause beating you only took me twelve bars!

I ain't scared of a Tsar, fought a Seven Years War!

From here to Red Square, I'm weary from tearing you a new derrière

Now bring me my chair

Troll face every night, if I had to look at your

I would pay a guy to tear out my eyes. Oh my!

With your tundras and tigers and bears

Russia's fucked up but no wonder why

Genteel in the palace, hard as steel on the field

And battle malice, I've got creative talents

Oblique attack tactics ain't exactly straight

Out the gate, first servant of state, Frederick the Great!

''Fritz Old! Fritz Old! Fritz Old! Fritz Old!''

''Fritz Old! Fritz Old! Fritz Old! Fritz Old!''

What about a flute busting Prussian?

Ivan the Terrible:
Who could defeat this Russian? There's no great

I'm terrible. My stomach's riddled with holes

Oh, the pain is unbearable. Ha! You've been poisoned

I feel a bit queasy. What's wrong? I weep it's all so easy

It seems no one can defeat me, yes I will

A drink to your victory, на здоровье

I don't stand a chance against your skills

Enough!

Alexander the Great:
I'm an immortal you're not! I win Ivan I vanquish

Hop on my horsey and trot, and I would holler Bucephalus!

Were torn up and shot, until their vocal chords

And they'd be screaming and roaring, but I would leave 'em contorted

And they'd be praying for the torture to stop

Shattered 'em like a porcelain pot

As I swatted my many enemies, in the helmet I wore

Like the eagle who's feather I would sport

And I'll soar to the top, and slice you in half like the Gordian knot

I'll take up this sword that I brought, so this will be straight forward

From winning every single war that I fought, Greek for the glory I got

Kudos!

So I can stay refreshed, so go fix me a drink, will be the craziest

And what I'm about to spit, flavorless

You got vodka bars of a game of chess

While you died in the middle in my expansion pack

Iraq and Pakistan, Syria, Persia, had the Balkans

Breezed through Gaza to Giza

I brought foes to their knees in Phoenicia

Little Vasilyevich let me spell out the list, as well as useless

Stepping up's foolish, from Pella hella pissed, but now you got the Panhellenist

Hey fella, swell diss

Ivan the Terrible:
Or you'll get a huge sack like Novgorod

So don't even try to approach the God

Divine and holy, I'm heaven sent

You're an asshole with an anastole

I'm the first Tsar of all of Russia!

I'll crush ya! You're nothing but an overrated lush

Smack you harder than you hit that bottle

I'll school you like Aristotle

Alexander, here to hand you your first loss

I'm a land expander. You're a land rover

No surviving, try to serve Ivan

Crème de la Kremlin's arriving

Look alive...