User blog:Jella141/Saint Valentine vs Cupid - Jella's Crap Battles of Wot

Well, this is extremely late, but fuck it. Here's another crap battle. (y) This time, it's for the holiday maliciously created to make lonely people extremely depressed Valentine's Day. Once again, I'd like to thank the users who helped out: Hawk, Bran, and Grav. Couldn't have done it without you. <3 Make sure to also check out Mind's crap battle of Saint Valentine vs Cupid.

Saint Valentine:
It's time to bone on the microphone,

For I am Saint Valentine of Rome!

But bro, what happened to the sexy hoes?

All I see is this flying baby with a bow!

I'll cum at you faster than your premature dick can handle,

Then I'll spread open your tiny legs and spank your soft ass with my sandle!

Better not throw a tantrum; I'd courtly love to hear what you have to say!

Check the date 'cause I'm the dude who's honored on Valentine's Day!

Cupid:
Hello, world~

The people of your world know me as "Cupid"!

But, the people of my world, they say my power is stupid…

All the raping and gaping and blah blah blah blah!

So taking a trip to your abode is like a sex-orgy day spa!

Everyone is consensual— wait, what, really?!

… Still better than Zeus  is! So let this Holiday be merry!

Aphrodite:
After being born in the sea, cocooned by a nutsack,

I learned a thing or two 'bout spitting jizz-inducing raps!

Don't worry; I'll make this quick before it gets too long!

You dicks are uglier than Hephaestus' schlong!

What the both of you plebes really need

Is a gigantic pair of deez:

[Aphrodite flashes her boobs.]

{Uhh… I don't believe that was in the script.}

{Who cares. She has nice tits.}

Adam & Eve:
Babe, wanna fuck? Everyone's looking, Adam.

Great, they can watch you orgasm.

No. Can you at least make me a sandwich?

You have two hands. Make it yourself, bitch.

I want a divorce. We're not even married.

WHAT?! How could this have happened?!

I think you're trippin' on the forbidden fruit from that tree.

Shake my snake. *sigh* Why the fuck did you have to make me…

Romeo & Juliet:
Romeo, O, Romeo, where is my dildo?

Did thou not keep it under the bed? I do not know.

Shit. I suppose I can rub thy clit

While thy fondle my balls and lick my dick.

Ay, that doth sound like quite the treat,

But should we not keep rapping? I'd rather admit defeat

Than wake up victorious without thou present,

Because thy love is like an antidepressant.

Bonnie & Clyde:
[''Bonnie & Clyde return from the death portrayed by their previous battle. They proceed to begin moaning incomprehensibly, for eight lines exactly.'']

Jack & Rose:
Ooh, we bring a chilling verse colder than the Atlantic Ocean,

While your dry bars lack devotion; I hope Jack remembered to bring the lotion!

SHIT! I knew I forgot something! At least I brought these flows,

But in order to spit them properly, we need to go into third-person mode:

Jack's dick rose when Rose jacked off Jack without his clothes!

Rose jacked off Jack's dick hard till it went too rose for Jack to bone!

Sink deeper than the Titanic into that vag; grip her tight as she screams, "Don't let go, Jack!"

Smash pricks into bits like an iceberg; leave 'em too shattered to ever come back!

Mr. & Mrs. Smith:
I'm going to kill you. Are you talking to me?

Of course not, honey.

I love you. I hate you.

I hate you. I love you.

I really want to fuck you. Me too.

How 'bout we get outta here and go back to our room?

Lead the way, Mr. Smith.

[Mrs. Smith pulls out a gun and shoots Mr. Smith in the dick.]

Dammit, my fucking dick!

The Joker & Harley Quinn:
Oh, so you like playing with guns, ay?

I play with Mr. J's every day!

Quiet, Harley! Why won't you love me?

I'm sick of hearing your shit every single time you get horny!

But I thought we were a team?! This is exactly what I mean!

Why don't you go fuck yourself with that bat before I lodge it in your spleen?!

Fine, I don't know why I even put up with such a guy!

[''Harley Quinn fucks herself with her baseball bat, resulting in a massive loss of blood. Her lifeless body collapses.'']

Wait, no… I didn't want you to die…

[She gets back up.]

HA, IT'S JUST A PRANK, BRO!

You stupid, bitch! I'll fucking slit your throat!

Deadpool & Domino:
I bet you chronic masturbating readers were expecting a proper verse?

What the fuck are you doing?! I thought we had this all rehearsed?

Change of plans; I'm not too fond of following instructions,

So how 'bout I start off with a little introduction:

Hi, I'm Deadpool. This is Domino.

Check out my new movie. It's better than getting blown.

Dammit, Deadpool. Can you ever do anything right?

Onto a more serious matter:



Shrek & Fiona:
Oi, Fiona! You wanna bump some uglies?

I'm not really in the mood for your ogre dick cheese.

I thought you were my wife?

I am. Then be committed to Shrek's love; sustain Shrek's life.

What? I'll stick a Boot into that Puss until you scream, "DONKEY!"

{Shrek, are you feeling okay?}

Get the fuck out of my swamp!

{Could you maybe focus on the battle?}

I said fuck off, you interrupting twat!

Glenn & Maggie:
Oh, herro! My wife, Mrs. Rhee, and me fuck a lot in the apocalypse!

Dropping morning shits on pricks as Grime-y as our leader, Rick !

Glenn, enough with the sex. WAT?! Don't you like the spring roll in your mouth?

Of course I do, but I mean, you could really use a timeout

'Cause you always want to fuck me rough like next to the walkers  in Season 3.

Here, eat a Snickers before your dick gets too stiff and creamy for me.

[''Maggie hands Glenn a Snickers bar. He takes a bite.'']

Better?

Kim Jong-un:
Better.

Kanye West & Kim Kardashian:
YEEZUS JUST ROSE AGAIN!

YO' GIRLS ALL WANT CHOCOLATE, MEN!

BLACK DICK ALL IN MY SPOUSE AGAIN!

BLACK DICK ALL IN Y'ALL RAPS AGAIN!

LOVE ALL UP IN Y'ALL MINDS AGAIN!

HEARTS 'BOUT TO FEEL LOVE AGAIN!

DID I MENTION I'M NIGGA JESUS?!

KIM K 'BOUT TO SPREAD LOVE WITH YEEZUS!

Kanye's capacity for love is bigger than my ass…

Call him Iggy Azalea, because he's cumming in fass'…

OH SHIT NIGGA, THAT WAS AN INNUENDOOOO!

BUST A HOMER UP IN THAT MARGE; WHEN I CUM I SCREAM, "D'OHHHHH"!

Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner:
Think of love, like my car… it rams straight into you.

Or, like the miracles modern science can do!

It's fine, it's fun, it can fulfill your best wishes!

… But be careful, sometimes you'll regret your switches.

I mean, not me, no. I much prefer being a woman.

Those tabloids lied! Like when they said I killed a man!

So, go out, swim to success!

Just remember… some people are just wanting to cross-dress.

High school relationship:
Yo, girl I wanna touch your tits!

Ew, fuck off creep, that's sick!

Fine, I guess I'm dumping you, bitch!

… WHAT? YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH ME?????

FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU IN THE DICK WITH A NEEDLE!

Holy shit, calm down!

Wait… holy shit is that a fucking gun?!

Oh shit… calm down, baby CALM DO-

* BLAM*

* BLAM*

Fetus:
She was pregnant!

Hugh Hefner:
Well, that was most certainly odd.

Now look at all of the hot babes on my bod!

I'm a rich pimp with a big dick!

Got bitches sittin' on it whenever my fingers click!

Come take dip in my hot tub; I'll give you a nice foot rub,

Then dislocate it, chop it up, and hide it under my fur rug!

Yes, it does sounds a bit like something from Edgar Allan Poe ,

But yo, I've made better magazines than that shit he wrote about a crow!

{It was actually a raven, Hugh.}

Whatever.

[Hugh Hefner walks off after receiving a blow job from a porn star.]

Porn star:
Ey bitches, the one and only hottie is here to fuck, and I really wanna fuck!

Did I say fuck? I meant battle, unless you wanna fuck so I can make a buck!

Check my categories: Asian, three-way, milf, big tits, and teens!

In one quick blowjob, I can make you all wet in your jeans!

All you couples make me sick! Fuck you and your coupleness!

You all are bad at sex, I think, so watch me undress!

[The porn star gets naked as fuck.]

Truth be told, I have daddy issues, I hate my life, and have a ton of STDs,

But like, if you want, I can teach your sons about the birds and bees!

'''Broken condom:
Yo, I may have slipped up, but here I come to pop!

No barrier to stop me; now a baby you got!

Disease and skeet squeeze right through me!

You kept me in your wallet, now I'm overheating!

STDs:
I don't mean to be rash, but I'm itching to burst!

Anal ain't the only thing that'll make your dick hurt!

I was upgraded by God  to make the homosexual population thinner!

If your girl puts your cock in her mouth, she just had crabs for dinner!

Female rapist:
Yo, Bill Cosby is my daddy and I look like him too,

But I lack the meat between my legs that would make me a dude!

So I strap on my spiky neon strap on and I go to the pub,

Looking for a drunk young hottie that I can pick up!

I put a roofie in his cup in case he ain't drunk enough,

And I drag him to my trunk so my vag can get stuffed!

Wake up next morning, he freaks out and tells the police I raped him,

But since women can't rape men, he got arrested instead!

Taylor Swift:
I sing about missing my exes and, I'm like, so not over Harry Styles,

But you want to break up with me? WHAT?! That gets me riled!

There's like, nothing wrong with me; I'm obviously not flawed,

And if you point out my failed relationships, I'll Shake Off your fucking jaw,

Stick my black cock up your ass, and eat your fucking brain!

I had a Blank Space on my wall; now I got your penis framed!

In Germany, I'm known as Doctor Hannibal Lecter!

Your testicles and your dick are Never Ever Getting Back Together!

Boobs:
I'M THE RIGHT BOOB! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

I'M THE LEFT BOOB! LOOK AT US BOUNCING!

HUMAN MALE, LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

WE'RE BIGGER THAN YOUR GIRL'S EVER COULD BE:

ROUND AND PERKY, WHILE YOURS ARE HAIRY AND SAGGY!

BOOBS ARE IN YOUR HEAD DAILY; IF NOT, YOU'RE FAGGY!

PUSH US TOGETHER; WE WILL FORM A SUPER BOOB!

WE CONVINCED BILL CLINTON TO GIVE HIS REPUTATION A NUKE!

YOU'RE GONNA FAP TO ME AFTER YOU MURDER YOUR WIFE FOR ME!

I'M YOUR DAUGHTER'S BREASTS!

Vagina:
Oh hi, I look welcoming, don't I? All warm and soft,

Smelling like a dead fetus and your step-daddy's cock!

You can find me easily: just look between Legion 's legs!

I'm sweet, but once a month I turn into A PORTAL TO HELL!

[Boba Fett comes tumbling out the vagina, gasping for air.]

Boba Fett:
Somebody help me, I've been trapped in there since the seventies!

Oh god, it's eating me! He—

[A tiny shriveled arm darts out of the vagina and grabs Boba Fett, dragging him back in.]

* Wilhelm scream*

Penis:
YOU GUYS ARE ALL STIFF. HA. PUNS!

[The penis ejaculates out another contestant.]

Sperm:
WHITE SUPREMACY!

[Suddenly, a larger threat appears.]

AIDS:
FUCK THE GAYS! FUCK THE GAYS! I INFECT THEM!

FUCK THE GAYS! FUCK THE GAYS IN THE RECTUM!

FUCK THE GAYS! FUCK THE GAYS! I ALSO HATE YOU, VAGINA!

FUCK THE GAYS! FUCK THE GAYS! TELL YOUR CRABS I SAID, "HIYA!"

FUCK THE GAYS! FUCK THE GAYS! SPERM AND FETUS SUCK MORE THAN THAT RANDOM ASS PORN STAR!

FUCK THE GAYS! FUCK THE GAYS! HUGH HEFNER GETS MORE GRABBY THAN A KID FINDIN' A COOKIE JAR!

FUCK THE GAYS! FUCK THE GAYS! TAY TAY AND KIM JONG, WHY ARE YOU HERE, YOU QUEERS?!

FUCK THE GAYS! FUCK THE GAYS! YOU'RE ALL GAY, NOW HAVE AIDS, AND WILL DIE IN A YEAR!

Who won? Saint Valentine Cupid Aphrodite Adam & Eve Romeo & Juliet Bonnie & Clyde Jack & Rose Mr. & Mrs. Smith The Joker & Harley Quinn Deadpool & Domino Shrek & Fiona Glenn & Maggie Kim Jong-un Kanye West & Kim Kardashian Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner High school relationship Fetus Hugh Hefner Porn star Broken condom STDs Female rapist Taylor Swift Boobs Vagina Boba Fett Penis Sperm AIDS

Jella141:
Saint Valentine, Aphrodite, Adam & Eve, Romeo & Juliet, Jack & Rose, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, The Joker & Harley Quinn, Deadpool & Domino, Shrek & Fiona, Glenn & Maggie, Kim Jong-un, Hugh Hefner, and sperm.

Hawkeye bowman 13:
Porn star and AIDS.

Brandon Service DF:
Cupid, Bonnie & Clyde, Kanye West & Kim Kardashian, Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner, and penis.

GravityMan:
High school relationship, fetus, broken condom, STDs, female rapist, Taylor Swift, boobs, vagina, and Boba Fett.