User blog:Minipop56/Literal Review: Columbus vs Captain Kirk

Christopher Columbus:

Arrivederci, Imma leave before this battle begins,

The battle's already begun. Didn't you hear the announcer saying "BEGIN!"?

'Cause we both know in the end which captain's gonna win!

So you're bragging that you're a fortune teller? I see your logic.

I'll show you how a real explorer handles a situation,

Do show me.

I'll beat you so bad they'll feel it in the next generation!

So that's how you handle a situation? Yell "I'll beat you so bad they'll feel it in the next generation!"? Well, that's a very aggressive way to handle a situation, Columbus.

So bring it on, I'll whip you like Klingon,

You know, just 'cause it rhymes doesn't mean that you can whip someone like Klingon.

My rhymes will burrow in your ears like the wrath of Khan!

How much is Genghis Khan paying you? Jokes, I know what you're takling ab ... Hang on, how much is Star Trek paying you?

I've got a neck chop for Spock, I'll put my sword through Sulu,

JON F***ING NA!

Check into a Priceline hotel and watch your fat ass on Hulu!

Who checks into a Priceline hotel to watch someone's fat ass?

Captain Kirk:

I'm the enterprising Captain James Tiberius Kirk,

You know, I really don't think it's necessary to spend an entire line telling someon who you are. It's in the title card!

'''Representing Riverside Iowa, planet... Earth.'''

Poor Riverside Iowa must be sad that they had to resort to this representative.

I hear you call yourself an explorer but I'm just not having it, you...

Yes? Please go on! Why would you even end a line like that?!

Discovered a new world that was already inhabited!

Apparently alien planets are most definitely not already inhabited.

Why don't you boldly go somewhere you've never gone before like India?

Because I'm dead. That's why. KIRK.

Or any destination you've actually set sail for,

Because I'm dead. That's why. KIRK.

You spaghetti eating ****, how's your spice-rack doing?

Did you just call me a ... ?

I'll be chilling in my spaceship, have fun canoeing.

Futuristic spoilt brat.

Christopher Columbus:

You know, rapping against you- it's not even fun,

At least you're not canoeing.

It's like somebody's set your brains on stun!

Indeed.

I am the fabric of history, you're a fictional stain!

Actually, I'm from the future. (Spoiler alert: In the future the poll says that you win.)

I'll stick a flag up your ass and claim you for Spain!

Spain doesn't really keep a collection of asses in its Parliament. Plus, won't the flag get extermely dirty?

Captain Kirk

Mr. Spock, beam me back to 1492,

Okay ...

So I can beat this man like it's my job,

Aah, I see. So what were you doing before? Rapping against a statue of Columbus?

We'll see how Isabella likes my captain's log.

You seem to be going back to 1492 for a lot of things.

It's Kobayashi for you, there's no way you could win,

Remember the polls.

When your weak crew sees me approaching, they'll be like "Dammit, it's Jim!"

They don't even know who the heck Jim is, so why would they say that?

I'll double-fist punch you, you slave-making b*tch,

No, he made other people his b*tch, so he's not a b*tch.

Now, take your genocidal ass off of my bridge.

Again with the asses.