User blog:Wimpykidfan37/A bunch of terrible jokes that have nothing to do with ERB

1000 monks decided to build a monastery. It took them 1 day to build the monastery. Right when they finished the monastery, a little boy rode by on his bike and destroyed the monastery, killing exactly one half of the monks. The remaining 500 monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 2 days to build the monastery. Right when they finished the monastery, the little boy rode by on his bike and destroyed the monastery, killing exactly one half of the monks. The remaining 250 monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 4 days to build the monastery. Right when they finished the monastery, the little boy rode by on his bike and destroyed the monastery, killing exactly one half of the monks. The remaining 125 monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 1 week to build the monastery. Right when they finished the monastery, the little boy rode by on his bike and destroyed the monastery, killing exactly one half of the monks, plus half a monk. The remaining 62 monks decided to rebuild a monastery. It took them 2 weeks to build the monastery. Right when they finished the monastery, the little boy rode by on his bike and destroyed the monastery, killing exactly one half of the monks. The remaining 31 monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 1 month to build the monastery. Right when they finished the monastery, the little boy rode by on his bike and destroyed the monastery, killing exactly one half of the monks, plus half a monk. The remaining 15 monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 2 months to build the monastery. Right when they finished the monastery, the little boy rode by on his bike and destroyed the monastery, killing exactly one half of the monks, plus half a monk. The remaining 7 monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 4 months to build the monastery. Right when they finished the monastery, the little boy rode by on his bike and destroyed the monastery, killing exactly one half of the monks, plus half a monk. The remaining 3 monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 8 months to build the monastery. Right when they finished the monastery, the little boy rode by on his bike and destroyed the monastery, killing exactly one half of the monks, plus half a monk. The last monk out of all 1000 of them jumped on his bike and chased after the little boy, but fell off and suffered from a terrible head injury. And the moral of the story is, always wear a bike helmet.

A New Yorker named Kevin worked for the Central Park Zoo, the Bronx Zoo, and the Prospect Park Zoo. He caught strange and exotic animals for these zoos. The day after he officially retired, Kevin got a call from the Central Park Zoo. "We know you retired yesterday," they said, "but we need to send you to Africa to fetch us a short-necked giraffe!" When Kevin arrived in Africa, who should he see but Tarzan, the legendary king of the apes. He was painting black stripes on a white zebra. "Do you know where there are any short-necked giraffes?" asked Kevin. Tarzan pointed to his left, and there was a whole herd of short-necked giraffes. Three days later, Kevin got a call from the Bronx Zoo. "We know you retired four days ago," they said, "but we need to send you to Africa to fetch us a hornless rhino!" When Kevin arrived in Africa, who should he see but Tarzan, painting white stripes on a black zebra. "Do you know where there are any hornless rhinos?" asked Kevin. Tarzan pointed straight ahead, and there was a whole herd of hornless rhinos. Three days later, Kevin got another call, but it turned out to be the wrong number. Three days later, Kevin got a call from the Prospect Park Zoo. "We know you retired ten days ago," they said, "but we need to send you to Africa to fetch us a trunkless elephant!" When Kevin arrived in Africa, who should he see but Tarzan, painting black and white stripes on a transparent zebra. "Do you know where there are any trunkless elephants?" asked Kevin. Tarzan pointed to his right, and there was a whole herd of trunkless elephants. Three days later, Kevin cut his phone line and never got any calls from any zoos again. And the moral of the story is, Tarzan stripes forever.

Three insurance salesmen were each boasting about there service. The first one said, "Last month, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. A check was mailed to his wife the next day." "That's nothing," says the second salesman. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within forty-five minutes. That afternoon, I hand delivered a check." "Bitches, please," said the third salesman. "My office is on the twentieth floor of the building. Yesterday, one of my insured, who was washing a window on the floor above me, slipped and fell. I handed him his check just as he passed my office."

A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman. "Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex." The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves. Then another woman walks into the office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an Y-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman. "Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Yale graduate, he insists on wearing his Yale shirt when we have sex." The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves. Then another woman walks into the office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an W-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman. "Let me guess," said the doctor, "your dating a Washington graduate?" "No, she's a Michigan graduate."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves. The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly." The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the worm is as straight and stiff as a board. The old man pays his grandson fifty dollars. At dinner time, the man gives the boy another fifty dollars. "I though you already gave me my fifty bucks!" says the boy. "I did," says the grandfather. "This is from your granny."

A woman walks into a shoe store and asks one of the male employees at the store to help her try on a pair of shoes. While the man is putting on the woman's shoes, he looks up her skirt and sees that she isn't wearing any underwear. Then something slips out. "I want to fill your vagina with ice cream and lick it all out!" The woman angrily punches the man in the nose. This shocks everyone in the store and becomes headline news the next day. The woman's husband picks up a newspaper and asks the woman, "Did you punch that guy?" "Yes!" yells the woman, and tells her husband what the man had said. "My dear," said the husband, "it's wise not to mess with someone who can eat that much ice cream."

A woman is going for a walk in the park. It's a hot day, so when the woman sees a lake, she decides to take a swim. She removes her clothes and jumps naked into the lake. When she sees a man approaching, she dives to the bottom of the lake and picks up a tray, which she holds in front of her breasts. When the man walks past her, he stares seductively at her. "I know what your thinking!" says the woman. "Correction," says the man. "I know what your thinking. Your thinking the tray has a bottom."

A farmer had a pair of twin sons, George and Ted. The farmer loved them equally, but could only afford to send one of them to college. So he gave each one a duck and said, "Whoever can make the most out of this duck will go to college." So the two boys and there ducks went there separate ways. George passed a slaughterhouse. The owner of the slaughterhouse saw the duck and said, "That's a fine duck. Can I buy it for $20?" So the slaughterhouse bought the duck and George walked home $20 richer. Well, Ted was walking down the street with his duck when a woman skipped up to him. Gorgeous, blonde, six foot four, six pack abs. The woman whispered to Ted, "Wanna have a good time?" Realizing the tall woman was a prostitute, Ted said, "Yes, but all I have is this duck." So Ted gave the hooker the duck and they went into the woods and went at it. When they were done, Ted realized he needed his duck back. "Can I have my duck back?" he asked the hooker. "Your so good," said the hooker. "Only if we go at it once more." So they did. The prostitute gave Ted his duck back and said, "I have a sister whose husband hasn't been able to get it up in years. I'll call her and tell her about you." So she called her sister and sent Ted to her sister's house. Ted arrived at the hooker's sister's house with his duck. The sister had been so excited that she would have sex for the first time in years that she had let it slip out. Her husband answered the door and said, "If you don't ball my wife, I will give you my dollar." Ted accepted. While Ted was accepting the money, the duck flew away from him. A huge truck came roaring down the street and killed the duck. The truck driver gave Ted a dollar for his duck. When George and Ted arrived home, there father asked George, "How much did you make?" "Twenty dollars from the slaughterhouse," said George. "And you?" he asked Ted. And Ted responded, "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, a buck to duck a fuck, and a buck for a duck fucked up by a truck."

After giving an announcement, an airplane pilot tells his copilot, "I have to use the bathroom now, but after I'm out, I would kill to have some fine sex!" Unfortunately, neither the pilot nor the copilot has noticed that the intercom is still on. So, of course, everyone on the plane hears every word. A stewardess at the back of the plane runs up to the cockpit to tell them that the intercom is on. One passenger calls out to the stewardess, "You don't need to run that fast. He did say he had to use the bathroom."