User blog:WonderPikachu12/Total Drama ERB episode 5: You Might Pass

Nice Peter: Hi there! I'm Nice Peter, and welcome Total Drama ERB!

EpicLLOYD: And my name is EpicLLO-

Nice Peter: Last time on Total Drama ERB, things got a little weird when we got our friend Rick Grimes to bring in robot zombies equipped with paintball guns to chase after our campers. Then the episode got boring fast. But, when both teams were nearly tied, Neil deGrasse Tyson showed some remarkable control over the cosmos that resulted in numerous knock-outs and a win for the Massive Failures. In the end, the constantly constipated William Wallace was booted off.

EpicLLOYD: Now, we're moving the contestants to a massive gorge somewhere.

Nice Peter: A massive throat?

EpicLLOYD: A massive valley.

Nice Peter: Ah.

EpicLLOYD: "Why?", you never actually asked? Stay tuned to find out!

*The scene cuts to the dock, where Lady Gaga is sitting and staring off into the ocean.*

Mr. T: Hey there, little lady. What's wrong?

Lady Gaga: Oh, hey, Mr. T. It's just...ohh, I miss Wallace so much...

Mr. T: Really? The sucka was a bit weird in the head, if ya ask me.

Lady Gaga: Hey! Don't be mean! The guy had a heart of gold. *swoon*

Mr. T: If you say so.

Leonidas: What the hell are you guys doing all the way out here?

Mr. T: Lady over here is reminiscing over the loss of William Wallace.

Leonidas: Okay, one, reminiscing is too big of a word for a meathead like you to know.

Mr. T: Hey!

Leonidas: Two, Wallace was a moron and I'm way glad to know he's gone, as now there's nothing in my way of winning that cash.

Lady Gaga: Hey!

Leonidas: And three...shut up. Anyways, suck it up. The game was way better off without him and I'm feeling SO pumped now!

Mr. T: You better watch yourself, punk. Dissing on your own team? You do remember that Sarah Palin got kicked off when she tried starting something with Joan, right?

Leonidas: I hardly remember half the people on this island as it is. Besides, it's William Wallace I'm mocking. He was a chump, I'm better, nothing else to it.

Lady Gaga: STOP it! You monster!

*Lady Gaga goes running off, crying.*

Leonidas: Geez, what's her problem?

Mr. T: You.

Nice Peter: Challenge time, everyone!

''*Both teams are gathered up and head towards the back of the island, where a massive gorge in the ground is being blasted by Goku's Kamehameha. He lands down with his team, the Epic Winners.*''

Goku: Ahh...hahh... Haha! I...I should just be...given the million dollars...right now!

'''(Confessional) Goku: Holy shit, that took a lot out of me... If any of you knew anything about my series, when I perform a Kamehameha, I grow ti-'''

 Justin Bieber: *outside* Nobody cares!

 Goku: That little bitch...

'''(Confessional) Justin Bieber: ...what? Oh, please, like you were wanting to sit through a lecture on  Dragon Ball anyways.'''

Kanye West: Wait, we're gettin' a million bucks for dis game?

Goku: I don't know, I was just bullshitting it there.

Justin Bieber: Meh. That wasn't impressive. I've seen bigger.

Goku: Grrr...

Edgar Allan Poe: Yes, but I doth guess, that it wasn't a ravine of which he's seen the biggest.

Justin Bieber: Seriously? A gay joke? Really?

Eve: Eh, don't listen to him, Goku. He's just trying to get you riled up.

Justin Bieber: Bet it isn't the first time you get all pissed off, though!

Adam: Okay, even I don't like the team jock, and I still think you're being an idiot, Bieber. That wasn't even an insult.

Goku: Can it, pine-needle crotch! I don't need you sticking up for me.

Adam: Oh, for the love of God...

Justin Bieber: Geez, Goku, calm down. He's only trying to help.

Goku: Calm down? Calm down?! Oh, I'll show you calm!!

'''(Confessional) Goku: Justin Bieber?! He's such a bitch...'''

(Confessional) Al Capone: ...and I won't be mad taking him down...

(Confessional) Adolf Hitler: ...throwing him into the dirt and watching him struggle...

(Confessional) Darth Vader: ...overthrowing him will be great, and...

'''(Confessional) Kanye West: Sometimes when I'm asleep, I think of a fat person chasing me with a sharp dildo. I wake up screaming.'''

*Enter Gandalf, levitating a long, massive bridge over the ravine.*

Gandalf: As I know you all know, I am Gandalf.

Miley Cyrus: From Edward Cullen and the Sorceror's Stone, right?

Gandalf: Land sakes, no! Anyhoot, I have been assigned as the task master of this challenge. You see before you a bridge. As expected, you must cross them.

Leonidas: HAH! It's like you're trying to let me win.

Adolf Hitler: Sounds easy enough.

Darth Vader: Hmm...too easy...

Gandalf: Well, if you'd let me finish, you damn kids today... Monsters will appear scattered along the bridge, acting as barriers to the finish line. Whichever team gets at least one member over first wins.

Al Capone: Ehhh...what kinda monsters?

Gandalf: Fantasy monsters! Dagnabbit...

Miley Cyrus: Wait, shouldn't we be worried about Goku just flying over the bridge? He can just get up and fly on over, right?

Goku: I can only do that when I'm in my Super Saiyan form, which I would need to charge up into first, and obviously doing so would get me disqualified. I'm not an idiot. Otherwise, I can only fly over with the use of my Nimbus Cloud, which isn't even-

Justin Bieber: Ohhhmygooood, can we just start this already?

Muhammad Ali: Honestly, if there's anyone we should be watching out in terms of cheating, it's Tyson! He scary!

*Everyone turns towards him, confused.*

Muhammad Ali: ...what? In the last challenge, that guy began levitating rocks and bushes and trees and told me all of the cosmos hated me!!

Michael Jordan: You're being an idiot.

Muhammad Ali: It's true!! After Goku blasted me with his Kam-ham wave-

Goku: Are you fucking serious?

Muhammad Ali: -I was blasted through this robot that Tyson was riding. Then Tyson lifted up just about everything around me. I only barely survived when he started flinging everything everywhere! Oh! Oh! I think Bieber was there! He's a witness! Ask him!

Justin Bieber: Yeah, I was there, but he's totally nuts. Ali crashed through a robot that was about to hit me and Tyson and got totally knocked clean out. Probably hit his head a little too hard.

'''(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Hey, I'm just trying to not let my team go crazy thinking Tyson is psychic. Definitely not trying to turn everyone against Ali. Nope. Not at all.'''

Muhammad Ali: Say, where is Tyson? ...oh man, he probably has something sinister planned for all of us.

Michael Jordan: Oh, yes, I bet he's planning with the cosmos right now.

Muhammad Ali: What?! You really think so!? Oh man, oh man, oh man...

Gandalf: That's enough rambling! Your goal is to reach the other end. Remember. Whichever team gets at least one member over to the otherside first is the winner of this battle. And...shit, where's my whistle?

Master Chief: A whistle? Really?

Edgar Allan Poe: Does thou truly need a whistle for the show, and is not simply able to tell us to go?

Gandalf: Hold on, hold on, geez... You kids today are so impatient these days! "Oh, my fancy-pants high-tech compooter is taking a full two seconds to load!" Back in my day, we didn't even have- Oh, here's that whistle. Aaand...

''*Gandalf blows into his whistle. All nineteen contestants take off past Gandalf, hurrying along the bridge.*''

Justin Bieber: Well, that was pointless.

Darth Vader: Isn't everything on this show?

Justin Bieber: Ehh, true.

Kanye West: Maaan, I HATE running!

Bob Ross: The turtles are always running, though. Have to be like the turtles.

Kanye West: ...why are you talking to me?

Cleopatra: Oh, Joan, do be a dear and carry me this time, will you?

Joan of Arc: What part of "No" did you not understand last time?

Cleopatra: If you're going to be transgender, at least act the part and try to act chivalrous.

Joan of Arc: Goddammit, I told you, I'm not-

Leonidas: Make way, coming through!

*Leonidas charges past both, knocking both girls to the side.*

'''(Confessional) Joan of Arc: Geez, I get that this is a competition, but he doesn't need to be so rude. He's not that great, just because he's big, and strong...and handsome...and charming...and... Wait, what was I saying?'''

Justin Bieber: Hah, even he can run faster than you.

Goku: You wanna bet, kid?!

''*Goku charges off after Leonidas, running right past him before a massive orc appears out of nowhere right in front of him. Goku is knocked down onto his back, the entire group stopping as more sorts of monsters begin to appear.*''

Adolf Hitler: When he said monsters, I wasn't expecting them to be bigger than a goddamn building.

Miley Cyrus: Oooh! They're my favorite race on War of Worldcraft!

Darth Vader: ...are you even trying anymore?

Al Capone:  Come on, if ya played the game, then ya should at least know the names of the characters, sweetheart.

Miley Cyrus: I just get confused easily, okay?

Al Capone: Clearly...

Michael Jordan: So, how are most of us going to even fight these things anyways? I mean, most of the people with weapons are on the other team.

Muhammad Ali: Heh, well watch and learn as I bring the pain, Mikey.

Michael Jordan: I'm trying to be realistic here, Ally.

Bob Ross: Are you guys talking about my turtle friends?

Adolf Hitler: Vadah! Incoming!

*An orc swings a club down at Darth Vader, who immediately pulls out his lightsaber and cuts through the wooden slab.*

Michael Jordan: Seriously, how're half of us even supposed to fight these things?

Al Capone: Well, I sure know one way. Time to cap these beasts off one by one.

*Al Capone pulls out his tommy gun and begins to shoot right before the scene switches to Nice Peter and EpicLLOYD.*

Nice Peter: We here at Total Drama ERB would like to take the time to assure you that we do not condone violence against these weird mythical monster things.

EpicLLOYD: We're here to promote our newest donation organization, the Friends Against Grimacing Gorifications of the Trumped-up. That's F.A.G.G.O.-

Nice Peter: If you have a mythical friend you feel is being bullied or wishes to hurt himself as a result of being outcast-

EpicLLOYD: -and we don't mean that ugly fat kid in the corner of your class-

Nice Peter: -please call the number at the bottom of the screen.

EpicLLOYD: And we promise that no mythical beasts were actually harmed during the making of this episode.

*A bloodied orc head rolls past them.*

Nice Peter: Cut! CUT! I said CUT!!

''*The scene switches back to the teams. Only Darth Vader, Master Chief, Al Capone, Joan of Arc, Goku, Leonidas, Mr. T, and Muhammad Ali are doing any fighting, the rest just standing back while watching the bloodshed.*''

Muhammad Ali: I kinda do wish that Tyson freak was here now. He'd be able to help stop these guys...unless he was the one who brought them here, oh man...

Michael Jordan: You still going on about that shit, man? I thought we left that joke back at the start of the challenge.

Muhammad Ali: It's no joke!! Neil deGrasse Tyson is a psychic psycho!

Michael Jordan: You're the psycho here if you keep goin' on 'bout a teammate of ours like that.

Muhammad Ali: Don't say I didn't warn ya!

Michael Jordan: Oooh, so scary! What's he gonna do, threaten me with a rock and then disappear for the whole challenge like he always does?

Joan of Arc: Feels like two show up for every one that we kill.

Leonidas: You aren't slowing down, are you?

Joan of Arc: No, no! I just...don't mind me. I can keep my own.

Leonidas: Heh, good. You're a good opponent.

(Confessional) Joan of Arc: Swoon~

Bob Ross: Man, why all the fighting? Why can't we all just be happy little people in this happy little world?

Kanye West: Why do you gotta be so high all da time?

Bob Ross: I like trees, man. And turtles.

(Confessional) Kanye West: This freak is pissing me off more and more!!

Adam: So, uhh, Eve, how about you stay back here with me where you won't get hurt? I'll protect you if anything comes your way.

Eve: That's sweet, but we're on opposite teams.

Adam: I know, I'm just sick of seeing that douchebag always trying to get with you.

Eve: Just ignore him, he's-

Goku: Eve, what're you doing talking to this dweeb?

Eve: Well, he's kinda my friend?

Goku: Him? Your friend? After everything we've had together?!

Eve: What exactly have we had together?

Goku: Seriously?! I'm, like, always there for you! I protect you whenever you need it! I'm the strongest guy here!!

Justin Bieber: Really? Because you're doing just as good of a job as everyone else that isn't fighting right now, even while you're fighting.

Goku: Oh yeah!? I'll show you!! I'll show you ALL!! KAME...

Adam: Really? Was that really necessary?

Justin Bieber: What? Going against the other team is what we're supposed to be doing!

Adam: Do you even realize what he's doing?

Miley Cyrus: Oh! Oh! That's his trademark Hadouken, right?

Goku: HAME...

Adam: No, and you're an idiot.

Miley Cyrus: What? But that's exactly what he does in those games where he's wearing that white outfit.

Master Chief: That's Street Fighter. He's from Dragon Ball.

Miley Cyrus: Oh! Like my song, Wrecking Ball!

Master Chief: What? No. That's not at all like-

Goku: HA!!!

''*Goku unleashes a massive Kamehameha Wave along the bridge, which everyone that was in the midst of the fray just barely manages to dodge. However, while it also tore through the monsters fighting, it also blew a hole straight through the bridge, tearing it in two.*''

Goku: Oh shit.

*Both teams go screaming as all nineteen contestants go screaming as they plummet down towards the jaggedy rocks below...before suddenly stopping right above, floating mysteriously.*

Kanye West: What the fuuuuck?

Cleopatra: Why in Ra's name are we floating?

Mr. T: Oh, praise the lord, I'm not dead yet, momma...!

Muhammad Ali: HAH! I told you! Tyson did this! He just saved our asses with his magical cosmos stuff.

Gandalf: Hold your horses, you whippersnappers! I gotcha, oooone second.

*Gandalf lifts the teams up using his magic, placing them all down on the other side of the ravine.*

Michael Jordan: You were saying?

Muhammad Ali: What? No, no... I could've sworn... I felt something like what Tyson had been doing...

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Well, I AM right here, at the finish line, waiting for you all to finish.

*Everyone turns to see Neil deGrasse Tyson standing at the edge where the bridge was, along with Nice Peter and EpicLLOYD.*

Nice Peter: He showed up right after the challenge began, so it was pretty much an automatic win for the Epic Winners. We would've told you, but then it would've been a boring episode and it's fun to watch you guys bicker and struggle.

EpicLLOYD: Also, we decided that considering Goku destroyed the entire goddamn bridge that we spent all night making-

Nice Peter: You mean Hulk Hogan spent all ni-

EpicLLOYD: We decided that considering Goku destroyed the entire goddamn bridge that we spent all night making, Goku will be disqualified.

Goku: WHAT?!? You can't do that!! I totally destroyed this challenge!!

EpicLLOYD: Yes, you did. Shot a beam through it, in fact.

Goku: NO! That's not fair! I've been following the rules!

Nice Peter: Was that before or after you blew up the bridge and the challenge?

Goku:  Grrrr...

Nice Peter: To the docks. Now. REALLY disappointed, too, as we've had two eliminations already that were resulted in two members being disqualified.

EpicLLOYD: Well, what can we do? They're teens. They're bound to screw up like idiots.

Adolf Hitler: Teens?

Darth Vader: Idiots?

Kanye West: ...wait, I kinda spaced out for a minute. How did we get out of the gorge again?

Nice Peter: Let's just make sure not to disqualify any more contestants after this.

EpicLLOYD: Fair enough. We'll just let the contestants decide who screwed up the most. Less work for us.

Goku: Or- or, you could not disqualify me at all.

Nice Peter: Well, you'll be getting the boot regardless.

Goku: I-I could've won!

Nice Peter: Well, it didn't matter who on the bridge made it over first, considering Tyson here already made it to the end first.

EpicLLOYD: And really, after destroying the bridge, you really think that your team wouldn't vote you off?

*Goku looks back at his team, who just look away and whistle innocently.*

Goku: Even you, Eve?

Eve: Yeah, I'd probably vote you off.

Goku: But...but...fine! Whatever! Just take me took the docks, dammit.

*The scene cuts to the docks, where Hulk Hogan is shoving Goku down into a barrel.*

Nice Peter: With another loss for the Epic Winners and another disqualified member being shoved off to sea, we can only wonder what more unexpected twists will occur on this very, very strange show.

Goku: Hey! Not so hard, asshole!

Hulk Hogan: Sorry.

Goku: No, you aren't- AHH!

*Hulk Hogan kicks the barrel into the water before walking off.*

Nice Peter: Who will be voted off next? Who will Justin Bieber taunt now that Goku is gone? Will Muhammad Ali still be a paranoid fuck? What the hell is wrong with Bob Ross? And who DID let the dogs out? Find out the answer to at least one of these questions next time on Total! DRAMA! ERB!

Remaining
Team Epic Winners