User blog:Mystical Trixter/An Explanation on Me

Hello everybody. Today I come to you with likely one of my longest and most serious blogs ever. This was something I was hoping I wouldn't have to talk about ever, due to the fact it's a topic that can hurt to think about, but it's high time I come out about some things.

If you've known me here for a while, you would know that I can be rather negative a lot of the time, and have very low self esteem, to the point of barely having any. Those of you who have known me a long while, you may recall that I used to be much more positive than I have been. Why is this? Well, get comfortable, it's time I explain.

Please, take all of this serious, don't just be one of those people that just says "K" or "TL;DR" or the like. I want this taken as serious as possible.

Regarding Self-Esteem
I may as well target the larger topic, and the one that has permeated more throughout my time here. People always have wanted me to have higher confidence in myself, and to think better of myself. But I don't think it's going to happen. There's reasons I have this self esteem, it involves something from my younger days.

You see, I wasn't always like this. Rather, I had a lot of confidence, too much confidence, to the point of arrogance I would say, when I was younger. Needless to say, this led to a lot of people not really liking me, and finding me annoying/a bitch. This also led to having bully issues, and them wanting to take me down some pegs. They spent a lot of my fifth grade harassing me, tormenting me, and even once hurting me, and it very much affected me in my life. I had been called so many names, been teased so much and picked on so oftens that I lost any confidence I once had. I have always feared that if I tried being confident in myself that it would end up with me becoming arrogant again, and then the process would repeat.

Then, it happened again, the bullying. As most of you know in terms of sexuality I identify as bisexual. When those same people had found this out about me, the bullying happened again, though focused on my sexuality now. This made me feel even worse about myself, and was a major reason that it took me so long to come out about being transgender. Again, I feared that it would happen yet again if I revealed. Eventually I did, and most were accepting, but now, something has happened.

The one bully I had, who you could say was the "leader" of sorts had moved away around my 7th grade year. I had been told that he's coming back this year, and the fact is very much frightening to me. I'm terrified to know if he will do all of this again due to me being transgender, I don't even know right now. This fact was a major reason that I'm writing this now.

And, on another note, I think this affected my sensitivity as well. Nail pointed out the other day that I tend not to be fond of having jokes directed at me, and this is true. I'm certain that I got this from all the bullying I've recieved. I just don't want it here, and this is also likely a reason I was so upset at users like CE, Llama or Jack when they were insulting me.

So yes, my confidence and self esteem, as well as my sensitivity, I believe that it all stems from this. Massive bullying issues I faced in the past and may be facing again. Now, on to topic number two.

Regarding Negativity
As I said earlier, those who have been here a long time may remember a point in time where I was much more positive than I have been, I was almost always in good spirits, and was able to lift spirits up, I hope. Lately, I've been the opposite; pessimistic, a downer, depressed, even a bit stoic at points. Now, when did this come about? I think I have the answer.

I haven't had a very good life. I've never been someone priveleged to have that much money, or a lot of the stuff a normal child/teen had. I've never really been able to live a normal life. My life wasn't horrible, but it wasn't as good as a lot of people I knew had. But lately, in this year it has significantly gotten worse and worse.

About late May, I had started experiencing a lot of stuff both in my life and here that had been really affecting me negatively. In order, it would go like this; My dog getting put down, my mother being in serious condition (She's better now), family fights, Xina leaving, getting really sick on vacation (Which could have killed me), Danica sorta using me, my girlfriend breaking up with me, my best friend being in a serious accident, being harassed by people after coming out as transgender (to the point where I had self harmed for a short period of time), my grandfather being diagnosed with cancer, the Maven thing, my grades being really bad, Thanksgiving being ruined, and more family fights. All of this, and likely more has really been getting me down in the dumps and depressing me. And, as I've said, my family isn't very good money wise, so I can't really get a therapist or psychiatrist or something to help me out.

Now, there was a lot negative before those times, but there's a difference, for most of it, I did actually have somebody to help me. They weren't the aforementioned therapist or psychiatrist, but they were a very, very close friend. In fact, you may know them. Xina was her name. Since she had joined I was able to form a very strong bond with her, and she had been a great assistance in helping me through any troubles I was having the best she could. She kept me happy, and kept me on a positive outlook. I very much appreciated her, looked up to her, and, I'll admit it, even had (and still have) feelings for her. On July 22nd she had to leave the wiki, and internet for good, which devastated me. It meant I had lost someone so close to me and the person that helped me the most when I was down. I had no idea who I could turn to after this, I didn't know of anybody willing to listen to me and my problems that would help me. I just felt lost. And because of that, I got more and more depressed every time something bad happened to me. I'm sure people were wondering why I was so fond of her, and close to her. Now you know; she had always been there to lend a hand at my worst moments. Xina, if you ever come back and see this, thank you so much, I love you.

And that about sums it up
Sorry I assaulted your eyes with such long speeches, but this has been a long time coming. I doubt many of you will care, but this needed to happen now. If you want, you can leave your thoughts, but I doubt too many will. Thanks for your time. Alexa out.