User blog:Gliscor Fan/Fantastic Four Review: What the f*** did I do. (Spoilers)

First of all, if you want to spend your money on this, don’t.

Just don’t. This isn’t Fantastic Four. This is 4 teenagers with similar powers and other bullshit.

So what’s the thing that was most disappointing about the movie?

Practically everything about it. The plot was practically nonexistent. The entire time I was sitting there, wondering what the fuck was going on. I never even got an answer. At one point, they were at Area 57 or some shit, and then it just says “1 year later”.

Thing says something and then it just skips a full year. I don’t even remember what was said. But that happened twice. NOTHING in this movie was even remotely interesting to watch happen at all.

Now that all that is out of the way, let's go into some deeper reviews of specific things.

The Plot
As I already stated, the plotline was hard to follow and practically did not exist in the first place. There was so much jumping around between Area 57, The Baxter Building, and Planet Zero. Each time they did a year transition, it happened in such a way that it became hard to understand why they even did it in the first place. They had a montage and took 5 days, but then they just skip a year entirely without explaining how Reed got anywhere, but suddenly he appears about 3-5 countries away from where ever he was in the first place, without any explanation at all. They don't explain why he even went to the country in the first place.

The Continuity
There are some terrible, terrible things within the continuity of this film. Let me start with some of the simpler ones I've noticed.

1. Johnny Storm's flames: During most of the movie, Johnny's flames come on by him pressing buttons on his suit. after about 30 minutes, he can turn off the flames at will without any explanation at all.

2. Captain Nemo: Basically Reed shows Sue "20,000 leagues under the sea" and says the name "Captain Nemo" and explains why he likes the character. after the 1 year later transition, a codename appears on the screen: "cpn_n3m0". There was no reference at all to why Reed, one of the smartest people in marvel, would use such an obvious codename and just replace letters with numbers. Unless this was a reference to homestuck, which in that case, wow, that's just stupid.

3. Doom's Abilities: There's just no definition or explanation as to why Planet Zero makes Doom stronger, or what his abilities even are. The green substance was never defined as anything at all, and there was no explanation to why Doom fused with a suit, which Sue built during the time she apparently didn't have at all, and gained the powers.

4. Thing: Thing's character was literally all over the place with no definitive personality. At some moments, he was helpless. At other moments, he wasn't scared of jackshit. MAKE UP YOUR MIND, DAMN IT.

The Acting
This is where most of my problems (if not, practically all of them) lie. The acting from everyone except for a single person was so bad, that the one person who was good seemed terrible.

Miles Teller
Miles plays Reed Richards, who, despite being the smartest hero in Marvel (or one of them), turns into a bumbling idiot most of the time. The acting from Miles in this movie is on par with his acting in Project X, during which he was also a bumbling idiot and had almost no emotion showcased at all. Miles was such a poor example of who Reed Richards is.

Jamie Bell
If Jamie Bell always acts like a character with basically no set personality at all, then I guess nothing has changed at all. Like I stated in continuity, Thing had practically no personality, or emotion except for the one time he says "It's Clobbering Time!"

Bruce Willis was almost cast as thing. I would've taken Bruce Willis over ANYONE in this movie.  File:Bruce_WillThing.png|Bruce Willis's face on The Thing. 

Kate Mara
Half the time I don't want to believe she was actually acting. For most of the movie, she pretty much acted like she was off camera and just laughing at the movie itself. In fact, at one part of the movie, she just said something and started laughing hysterically.

Tony Kebbell
Do you remember Doom? No you don't. This isn't Doom. This is a guy who shares Doom's name. The acting from Tony is disappointing and really, really stupid. He doesn't act like what doom is or what he's actually supposed to be playing (a genius level hacker), he just acts like a dick.

Reg E. Cathey
Dr. Storm. The only time he broke out of a monotone voice this entire movie, his voice cracked. and they kept it in the movie. He was probably the blandest, most boring character out of every single person casted, and that says a lot.

Michael B. Jordan
I saved Michael for last, because his acting was the best out of everyone. Every time he spoke, it was like he was actually Johnny Storm, plus his character was actually consistent enough to get some enjoyment of the film. However, he was the only person who actually got any good lines at all, or said them correctly.

The Script
Speaking of lines, the script was atrocious. There was only a few good jokes (almost all of them said by Johnny, and the kid at the very beginning of the movie that said Reed was a dick), and a whole lot of boring, dead "serious" bullshit.

Aside from the dialogue, the action was also really, really stupid. The best example of this is from the very end of the movie, in which Doom is killed via a portal HE FUCKING CREATED IN THE FIRST PLACE that disintegrates everything. Basically, that portion was just a straight up "fuck you" to every single Doom that has ever been in any FF movies, comics, or TV shows that has ever been even slightly intelligent, since Doom is one of the, if not THE smartest villain in all of the Marvel universe, and turned his brain into the hunk of shit I found in the toilet of the last FF movie.

The Music
I decided to give this movie a bit of faith if the music was good, but as much as I wanted to believe they could do it right, no. They didn't.

Each musical score in almost every scene was stopped abruptly right before it got to the climax, then switched to the next scene with a new musical score. You cannot watch this movie without noticing at least once that the music is stopped abruptly. The music itself is decent and listenable, but you can't get any enjoyment out of it.

The Final Score
This movie was almost as boring as listening to an episode of TED Talks that is talking about any kind of religion, mixed with a large helping hand of actors worse than Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and topped off with a secondary helping of a plotline similar to that of cartoons that have basically no plot to them at all, except with all the ridiculousness and things that made them good removed.

I give Fantastic Fuckme a 1/10, only because they called Miles Teller a dick.