User blog:Dark Cyan/Cyan's Rap Battles of Literature Valentine's Special: 50 Shades Of Grey vs My Immortal

Hello, everyone. And welcome back to the Cyan's Rap Battles of Literature Valentine's Special!

I've never tried a crap battle before. It's a whole different kind of skill to make something funny using cleverness, wordplay and harsh disses, and to make something funny by deliberately crafting something to be so bad it's good without actually making it properly bad.

Anyway, this battle pits E.L. James, author of the 50 Shades series, against Tara Gilesbie, author of My Immortal. Twilight Fanfiction vs Harry Potter fanfiction, to truly determine the most obscene and poorly written piece of fiction ever made!

Enjoy!

Beat: Beat Called Edgy

E.L. James
(starts at 0:15)

This mediocre dunce is facing the bestselling romance! Near Valentine’s Day!

My inner goddess dances the samba while yours gently sways to Gerard Way

No wrist-cutting, because my racy novels really get ladies’ hearts pumping!

Your works are like Marilyn Manson lyrics being texted….or something

I’m so chic, you’re a goth chick. I’m ‘Ann Summers’, you’re ‘Hot Topic’!

Worship Satan? You’re diet pagan! A weak wiccan! Just stop it!

You going to use a spell on me? Why not try using spellcheck?

Your grammar makes my eyebrows widen! This is why you’ve got a bad rep!

Tara Gilesbie
(starts at 0:39)

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKER!

Stop flaming! Ur a posr!!!111 Just anuther bloodsucker

Draining the monys of sheep. Ur succes is Xtremely scray

Wut da fuk!11 You ludacris fool! Bitch, u B cray cray!!

Carry on flaming, my bf Justin will bet you up, and yud like it!

Makin yor self-insert anatsasai doin teh bondage

SHIT!!!1 That didn’t rhyme! Well, who cares? Im kawaii!

Next update will b in a wile cuz I’m holidayin 2 Hawaii!

E.L. James
(starts at 1:03)

It’s honestly a wonder fanfiction.net never banned you!

You’re such a bitch, not even your best friend Raven could stand you!

I’m legit embarrassed for you, and that’s the most charity I can bestow,

Blushing so much I must be the color of the communist manifesto!

Do I afraid you? Do you feel small face to face with a real success?

A hit film producer, award winner, Time 100! I’m no damsel in distress!

These are the peaks that even I know you can’t reach with mere fanfics

(beat stops)

And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: Your writing is shit!

Tara Gilesbie
(resumes at 1:27)

STOP GLORIFYING ABUSE AND RAPE NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETON!

How can u even juge me when your yourself statred with Twilight fanfiction?

4get it! Your gonna regret it! I’ll leave with bloodyrists (geddit?)

Your book was only gud when Giblet Gottfried read it!

You sed urself that the series wuz a midlife crisis, writ large

Stuff that wud never happen 2 u cuz your the size of a barge!

Enoby gets hate, but eeven shes more interesting than you’re characters

I’m rapping fifty shades barker than yo ever will, Erika

WHO WON? E.L. James Tara Gilesbie