User blog:BlueFrackle/Feral Rap Battles of the Animal Kingdom with Moth, Mole and Paddleworm

(We are inside Macaw Studios, a magical place where any animal species can live, regardless of its natural environment. Star-Nosed Mole and Rosy Maple Moth are there, waiting).

MOTH: It's already past the time.

MOLE: Yeah, we should start.

MOTH: Where's Paddleworm?

MOLE: Ha! Three guesses.

MOTH: I have no idea; seriously, do you know where she is? Has she said anything?

MOLE: She's probably spending some time with her "boyfriends".

MOTH: Boyfriends? How many?

MOLE: A lot.

MOTH: You mean, all at the same time?

MOLE: Yeah.

MOTH: That's... Ah, whatever. (Pause) But we'll have to get this started anyway.

MOLE: I'm not saying otherwise.

MOTH: People are already watching us.

MOLE: Kind of embarrassing...

MOTH: I'll just make the introduction.

MOLE: Yeah, go ahead.

MOTH: (Addressing the viewers) What's up critters? I'm Rosy Maple Moth and I pollinate flowers.

MOLE: And I'm Star-Nosed Mole. I dig. And swim. And mostly dig.

MOTH: And we're here to talk to you about Feral Rap Battles of the Animal Kingdom.

(Enters Paddleworm, quickly).

WORM: Hi there, hi there. Right in time!

MOLE: Right in time for next week's episode you mean.

WORM: Better late than never.

MOLE: (sigh) Alright, sit down Paddleworm.

MOTH: That's Paddleworm, she... Does stuff.

WORM: And we're here to talk to you about Feral Rap Battles of the Animal Kingdom.

MOTH: I already said that.

WORM: Oops. Sorry, go ahead Moth.

MOTH: As some of you may know, this is a special new series in which different animals represent their species battling against each other in rap form.

WORM: And we already had three pilot episodes, which some of you may have seen, to test how the series could come across.

MOTH: Since these have been reasonably well-received...

MOLE: ...Which we define as "not flat-out booed"...

MOTH: ...We first shall use this newscast to officially announce the FeRBotAKs as a new series.

WORM: Moth... Are we really calling them FeRBotAKs?

MOTH: I guess. Unless you come up with another abbreviation?

MOLE: How about just FeRBs?

MOTH: Whatever. FeRBs then.

WORM: (Checks a computer screen) We're receiving messages already.

MOLE: About the name "FeRBs"?

WORM: Whoa, we're getting a lot of messages!

MOTH: We'll now try to answer as many of your questions as possible.

MOLE: (Checks her own computer screen as well) Should we read them?

MOTH: No, you should eat them. Of course you read them, Mole. What does the first one say?

MOLE: It's from Sea Spider. It says "Cool, I want to be in it!".

MOTH: Well, now. The match-ups are based on suggestions we'll get in the comment sections. So if you too wants to see the Sea Spider in a rap battle, all you have to do is suggest her against someone.

WORM: Platypus says "I want to be in a battle! Choose me, please! I need an opponent!".

MOLE: Brilliant. Platypus vs. Sea Spider then. Problem solved.

MOTH: Nah, that's not how it works Mole. There should be an actual connection between them, even if it's a somewhat vague one.

WORM: Some folks already have an opponent in mind for themselves, look. Termite says "Hey Beaver, watch your furry ass! We're coming for ya!".

MOLE: Termite vs. Beaver. Confirmed?

MOTH: Only if someone else likes it and makes the suggestion.

MOLE: I see.

WORM: Pyrosome is asking: "Will every battle be based on some suggestion? Or will you dudes come up with some surprises?".

MOTH: As a matter of fact, we will have surprise battles occasionally, but they're going to be rare. Mostly, we'll take suggestions from the audience, like ERB does.

MOLE: Mantis Shrip says: "I pity the punk who goes against me!".

WORM: Ant-from-Mars says: "Me and Ghost Slug here are just waiting for the Halloween special, lol".

MOTH: Is there nobody else asking actual questions?

MOLE: Here. Pangolin says: "Will you folks need help making the battles?"

MOTH: Good question. The FeRBs are being produced by...

WORM: FeRBs is such a dumb name...

MOTH: ...Yeah, as I was saying, the guy responsible for the FeRBs is our blue-furred executive producer, the Frackle. If you wish to help out with them, leave a message to him. He'll be more than glad, as he really likes the idea of collaborating with other people to create these battles.

MOLE: Because he sucks at doing it on his own.

MOTH: I won't argue with that. Next question.

WORM: Not a question, but I'll read anyway because I found funny. Hammerhead Shark says: "I just wish to inform that if anyone dares suggest me against Sawfish, I'll tear their guts off!".

MOLE: Can we suggest him against Horseshoe Crab?

MOTH: Next question, please.

WORM: Ahuizotl asks: "Can cryptids and mythological creatures get in?".

MOTH: Sure. Mythology and cryptids are welcome. The only rule is that the contestants have to be representing a species, rather than a specific individual character. But just the same way ERB allows for fictional characters, we allow for fictional species.

WORM: Cryptids are not necessarily fictional, though.

MOLE: Some of them most certainly are, though.

MOTH: Doesn't matter because everyone understood what I meant, though.

WORM: Let's stop saying "though", though?

MOLE: You're the one who started, however.

MOTH: Read the next question, pretty please.

WORM: Sugar Glider is asking: "Since the Frackle is producing FeRBs now, does that mean he won't produce his regular fanmade battles anymore?".

MOLE: Wait, somebody actually reads Frackle's fanmades?!

WORM: I found that surprising as well.

MOTH: The answer is no.

MOLE: Oh, I knew it.

MOTH: I mean the answer to Sugar Glider's question. The Frackle won't stop his regular series.

MOLE: Oh. Well.

MOTH: Next question?

WORM: Flatworm... Oh, a worm like me, cool. Flatworm asks: "Can we get previews or hints for the next battles? And a schedule?".

MOLE: (laughs) Damn, poor worm. She thinks we can have a schedule.

MOTH: No schedules, unfortunately. Hints are a possibility.

WORM: I don't see why we can't have a schedule.

MOLE: You don't see why? This very newscast is coming late. We were planning to make this on Saturday, remember?

WORM: Things happen.

MOLE: Yeah, and you arrived late today as well.

WORM: If I remember right, Mole, you were the reason we couldn't get here on Saturday.

MOTH: Now, we're really deviating from what we're supposed to...

MOLE: I wasn't here because I was working on my tunnels. That's important. I was working, not snuggling with a dozen male worms at the same time.

WORM: Why don't you start working on hiding that hideous thing in your face that you call a nose?

MOLE: What?!

WORM: You could cover your face with a paper bag or something.

MOTH: *Ahem* Shall we go on?

MOLE: She insulted my nose!

MOTH: Paddleworm, apologize to Mole's nose, please.

WORM: I won't!

MOTH: Fine, then just read the next message, please.

WORM: Hm. Pancake Slug says: "Will you participate in battles or are you just the hosts?".

MOTH: We can participate, sure.

MOLE: Can we suggest? I suggest Paddleworm vs. Rabbit.

WORM: And the connection would be?

MOLE: Nymphomaniacs.

WORM: Oh, I see, how about Proboscis Monkey vs. Star-Nosed Mole? It's: nose that gets you laid vs. nose that doesn't.

MOTH: Girls, please, don't start bickering, let's keep this newscast professional.

MOLE: Sure, Moth is right. (whispers) Paddleworm vs. Bonobo.

WORM: Shut up Mole!

MOTH: Read the next message, damn it.

MOLE: Fine, fine. Pistol Shrimp and Goby are asking: "Can we have team battles?".

MOTH: Sure we can. Next question.

MOLE: Eh... Paramecium asks: "Is is necessary that the participants belong to the animal kingdom?".

MOTH: For now, I'll have to say yes. We're willing to be flexible, but I think using non-animals would be deviating too much from the point.

WORM: Human is asking: "What about me? Can I participate in?".

MOTH: Humans are animals, so, yes. But again, I'll stress that: it's not a specific human, it's a generic representative of humanity that's going to rap. Next question.

MOLE: Lyre Bird asks: "What about me? Can I participate in?".

MOTH: Sure, why not?

WORM: She's just mimicking what the human said. She does that kind of thing.

MOTH: Oh. Fine, next one.

MOLE: Here. Mimic Octopus asks: "What about me? Can I participate in?". Oh, fuck.

WORM: Speaking of fuck. Here's an anonymous question that will make you facepalm.

MOLE: Bring it on.

WORM: Anonymous: "Can I suggest Atretochoana against some kind of bivalve or something?".

MOTH: (facepalms) My god...

MOLE: No. Just no.

MOTH: Can we please have some decent questions to answer?

MOLE: Skip the anonymous ones.

WORM: OK. Slow Loris asks: "How often will new battles be uploaded?".

MOTH: Now that's a good question. We don't really have a schedule, that was already covered. But to make an estimate guess, you can expect at least one new battle per month.

MOLE: That's slow.

MOTH: Maybe, if things turn out good, it could become more like one every two weeks.

WORM: Still slow.

MOLE: But when they do get uploaded, which day of the week can we expect them?

MOTH: For now, I'll say Wednesdays. This might change.

WORM: Cool, it's Wednesday! Do we get one today?

MOTH: Today... Is not Wednesday, Paddleworm.

WORM: It is in some parts of the world. I think.

MOLE: I'm sure some people will be reading this on a Wednesday.

WORM: Are you?

MOLE: No, not really.

WORM: Well, Moth, do we get a battle this Wednesday or not?

MOTH: Yes. The fourth episode of the series is due for tomorrow, Wednesday, July 22nd, 2015. If it's finished in time, of course.

MOLE: And if it isn't?

MOTH: Then we get it on Thursday. No need to wait until the next Wednesday. As I said, we don't operate on strict schedules.

MOLE: Or any schedule at all.

WORM: We're kind of disorganized, but we get the work done.

MOTH: Speaking of which, we still have time to read one more message before we end this.

WORM: Here's a good one to close the newscast. Sea Angel says: "I wish fun and good luck to all participants, and hope we can all have some good time with this!".

MOLE: Aw, that's nice.

WORM: Sweet words.

MOTH: Indeed.

WORM: And I'd like to say some more.

MOLE: Oh, my...

WORM: No, no, I mean it. I want to thank our audience: everyone who read the first three episodes of this series and commented, giving suggestions and support, which lead to our decision to officially announce it today. Thanks so much for enjoying this and allowing us so much fun in creating this pet project. The battles themselves are fun to do, but knowing that you liked something we made is what makes it worth it. The time and effort put into trying to make them nice and enjoyable couldn't be best rewarded. So thanks, to each and all of you.

MOTH: Thank you as well.

MOLE: Yeah, thanks you fgts.

MOTH: Mole...

MOLE: I'm joking. Seriously, thank you people. A very special thanks to Mr. Legion for making our awesome Navbar, and thanks to everybody for reading, and for suggesting.

MOTH: Speaking of which, leave your suggestions there in the comments if you have any. We'll be with you tomorrow for the first official episode of Feral Rap Battles of the Animal Kingdom.

MOLE: ...Probably.