User blog:Alanomaly/Alanomaly Rap Battles - Alexander Hamilton vs Andrew Jackson

This has easily been the most taxing (hehe taxes political joke) battle in terms of trying to keep it un-biased. I don't consider Hamilton a saint or anything but it was fairly difficult to not just make him win. The more I read about Jackson the more he just seemed like a piece of shit. That made it "easy" to write Hamilton's disses against him. I put easy in quotations because writing Hamilton in a way that is meant to mimic the motifs of the musical was pretty difficult.

For the twenty-fifth Alanomaly Rap Battle, we have the founder of the US financial system and New York post, Alexander Hamilton, battling the seventh president of the United States, Andrew Jackson.

The guy who made the banks vs the guy who hated the banks. The ten dollar vs the twenty dollar. ...sort of a piece of shit vs a real piece of shit.

Lyrics
(NOTE: Alexander Hamilton's lyrics are in green, Andrew Jackson's are in tan , Captain America's line is in blue , and the backup chorus is in regular text.)

Alexander Hamilton
How does a common man, lawman, seventh president

Of the United States, born in an unknown Carolina residence,

Grow up to instate a law removing, relocating Native citizens

Just to take away the lands that they've been living in?

I'll call you Eliza's letters cause you'll be getting Burned, sir,

I'll beat you politically, lyrically like you were Aaron Burr, sir!

You contributed to the system of inexcusable racism,

Offering up fifty dollars to continue the country's enslavism!

Well now they've got the honor to not be your Obedient Servants,

Now they only gotta serve ya if they freely choose to be merchants!

I play fair when I duel against writers, lawyering horse riders,

Even when differences in ideas acted as our dividers,

While your snowflake ass got offended by a marksman's quill,

And drew Jackson's gun with the intent of a petty kill!

Andrew Jackson
It's no wonder you were never president, your loyalty was in question:

The moment your wife left, you gave Mariah your erection!

You tried to safe face but that ended up in your life thrown away,

And then on a whim you wrote and published Fifty Shades of Rey!

It all could've been avoided had you simply said "No, ma'am,"

But I guess it's thanks to you that men are called pigs, A. Ham!

You wanna talk flawed systems? Let's discuss your banks:

A system that supports the wealthy and whoever sits in your rank!

But I took down your straw house quick like the wolf that blew hard,

And it's ironic: your Monopoly made me the green to your blue card!

I manifested our country's destiny with some real estate density,

And I funded study of the ocean, I got political immensity!

I've got Crockett in my pocket, saving me from insane Dicks,

You've got your son to your side who got shot across the River Styx!

Alexander Hamilton
(One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine!)

I've got ten points you can't deny!

(Number one!)  You were on Burr's side till he shot me in the side and I died,

I already tarnished your career 'fore the announcer declared "You Decide!"

(Number two!)  Taking down the banks of the rich proved to be a poor decision,

In 1837, a Panic set in because of your mission!

(Number three!)  You ruled New Orleans with a clenched iron fist,

And imprisoned anyone who suggested there was something amiss!

(Number four!)  Ten percent of government employees purged during your reign,

They got replaced by your friends, I thought anti-corruption was your campaign!

(Number five!)  "They deserve to atone for this wicked attempt with their lives?"

I fought to bring freedom, but you only want the white man to survive!

(Number six!)  You're a Supreme Court case of deplorable contradiction,

You can't just decide to not listen when you disagree with their decisions!

(Number seven!)  Electing presidents each time is a gamble, especially with you,

You race horsed around till you lost all your grandfather's inheritance in your youth!

(Number eight!)  Try not to have a White House party when you inaugurate,

Supporters costing fifty grand from Congress just so you could redecorate!

(Number nine!)  The only thing worse than having slaves is using them to thrive,

You should take advice from our nation's Captain: We don't trade lives!

(Number ten!)  People joke about Florida today, but if only they knew

That it got annexed from the Spanish when a fort of slaves was attacked by you!

Andrew Jackson
Thriving off of slaves? You were shipping them out everyday,

Till you got enough money to ship yourself to the the U.S.A.!

Some credit where it's due: Your troops left Yorktown like a Hurricane,

But you did the same to your relationship by sweet talking like sugar cane!

I brought victory against the Britains down in New Orleans,

The people would be happier with monarchy? You can call me king!

Raise a glass to freedom, indeed! But not for people like you, Alex!

Immigrant, whore's son, abolitionist, and John Laurens on your phallus!

Speaking of Laurens, I wish I could've been the one to pull the trigger,

The fool brought a troop filled with nothing but ni- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Interrupting your opponent? I can't say I'm surprised,

With all the power you've acclaimed, it's clear your ego's over sized!

Alexander Hypocrite! You can't call me out for shit!

But I'd bet you'd try your damnedest in a New York Post-it!

You slandered Aaron Burr unprovoked, almost took out Charles Lee,

Just because of your views and beliefs which with they didn't agree!

You threw away your shot when you got kicked out The Room Where It Happens,

And you spent the rest of your life with less of a job than John Adams!

Your shit gets sugarcoated, biographies of me are the real deal,

If people knew the real you, you'd have no political appeal!

A two-hour stage play with wrong race is your claim to fame,

If it weren't for Lin-Manuel, history wouldn't remember your name!

Alexander Hamilton
Alexander Hamilton, my name is Alexander Hamilton,

I'll kill you from your abdomen: Alexander Pathogen!

At least you have beliefs, but it's rather unfortunate,

That your mindset may as well make you insubordinate!

Andrew Jackson
It seems as though my prayers weren't met with indifference,

Since we never got to see your sorry ass rise to presidence!

I read through all you've written, by God, could you be more boring?

It's a shock anyone living didn't die trying to tell your story!



Poll
Who Won? Alexander Hamilton Andrew Jackson

Hints Explained

 * Ben 10: A green ten. Alexander Hamilton is on the ten dollar which is green.
 * A tear: The tear is trailing down the person's face. A reference to the Trail of Tears.