Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers



Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers is the fifty-fifth installment of Epic Rap Battles of History and the tenth episode of Season 4. It features Western Philosophers, Nietzsche, Socrates, and Voltaire, rapping against Eastern Philosophers, Sun Tzu, Confucius, and Lao Tzu. It was released July 6th, 2015.

The Western Philosophers
Nice Peter as Nietzsche

EpicLLOYD as Socrates

Zach Sherwin as Voltaire

The Eastern Philosophers
Timothy DeLaGhetto as Sun Tzu

MC Jin as Confucius

KRNFX as Lao Tzu

Lyrics
[Note: ''Socrates is in vanilla, Nietzsche is in dark yellow , Voltaire is in brown , Sun Tzu is in red , Confucius is in gray , and Lao Tzu is in yellow. If the entire group is rapping together, it will appear in regular text.'']

The Western Philosophers:
I'm coming off the Acropolis to start some pandemonium,

Don't bring limp raps to a pimp slap symposium.

The mad gadfly, philosophy was my invention.

Rolling with the flyest nihilist, and me, their French henchmen.

We got the wisdom, and the wit,  that even I couldn't question!

Dropping Western medicine, on these East infections!

<p style="color:#C7A317">It's evident <span style="color:rgb(141,108,85);">you've never been  <span style="color:rgb(243,229,171);">our type of mental brethren!

We're better, <span style="color:rgb(199,163,23);">thinkers,  better, <span style="color:rgb(243,229,171);">speakers,  better, <span style="color:rgb(141,108,85);">lovers,  better men!

The Eastern Philosophers:
<p style="color:#9E9E9E">This type of arrogance is sure to be expected,

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">From men who speak of wisdom with no clue of what respect is!

<p style="color:#FDD017">You Westerners are sloppy, needing discipline in life,

<p style="color:#FDD017">You lack control of yourselves, and of the mic.

<p style="color:#F62817">While we use precise strikes, to disrupt your concentration,

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">Hand you an ass whooping our descendants will honor for generations!

<p style="color:#F62817">We filled a nation, <span style="color:rgb(253,208,23);">with patience,  and the presence, <span style="color:rgb(158,158,158);">for living!

<p style="color:#FDD017">And you'll never hold a candle <span style="color:rgb(158,158,158);">to the wisdom  we've <span style="color:rgb(213,212,212);">written!

The Western Philosophers:
<p style="color:#C7A317">Oh, I’ll give you something you can bow and kowtow to,

<p style="color:#C7A317">When I squat down and squeeze out a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu!

<p style="color:#C7A317">You need to take control of the life you’re given!

<p style="color:#C7A317">Call me Übermensch, 'cause I'm so driven!

<p style="color:#8D6C55">And I’m a freethinker so confronting conformists like you? It’s my job!

<p style="color:#8D6C55">Got a sharp wit, like a spit that’ll skewer you like a Confu-shish-kebab!

<p style="color:#8D6C55">(Oh!) You flubbed the mission. I'm beating your submissive ass into submission!

<p style="color:#8D6C55">Dishing out more disses than letters and pamphlets and plays I've been publishing!

<p style="color:#F3E5AB">Now that we’ve covered the two Yin and Yang twins, I can move on to Jackie Chan.

<p style="color:#F3E5AB">Sun Tzu, I’ll be picking apart your Wu with my method, man!

<p style="color:#F3E5AB">This seminal general isn’t so tough on the mic, all your men must be like "Yo, what happened?".

<p style="color:#F3E5AB">You’re pitiful lyrically, lucky for history you didn’t author the Art of Rapping!

The Eastern Philosophers:
<p style="color:#F62817">Bitch, I wrote The Art of War so you better get your guns out!

<p style="color:#F62817">These white boys getting burned ‘cause guess what, now the Sun’s out!

<p style="color:#F62817">Asians spitting sick, but no, this isn’t SARS,

<p style="color:#F62817">Laozi, kick the beat, now Confucius drop some bars!

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">Let me be Candide with you, Voltaire,

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">French drip with the egg noodle hair.

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">Your ego’s just so distracting,

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">Free speech doesn’t mean just keep yapping!

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">And you killed God so I gotta ask:

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">Did he die of shame when he made your mustache?

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">You tried to plant a new German psyche,

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">But you just grew hate; me no Third Reichy!

<p style="color:#F62817">And it all starts with you, you’re the father, Socrates!

<p style="color:#F62817">Honestly, I think you owe both of your students here an apology!

The Western Philosophers:
<p style="color:#C7A317">I wouldn’t exactly call myself a student of this plebe.

<p style="color:#C7A317">Don’t make Nietzsche come over and put a knee up in your chi!

<p style="color:#C7A317">Because I’m N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E!

<p style="color:#C7A317">And I’ll end any motherfucker like my name in a spelling bee!

<p style="color:#F3E5AB">Plebe? Bitch, I’m toxic like a hemlock sip!

<p style="color:#F3E5AB">Hang a sandal on the door cause you can suck Soc’s dick!

<p style="color:#8D6C55">Sacrebleu, Socrates! You’re making things a little tense!

<p style="color:#8D6C55">Come, let’s blind these Chinese heinies with some shiny bright enlightenment!

<p style="color:#F3E5AB">I'll not be taught camaraderie from a frog who rigged the lottery!

<p style="color:#F3E5AB">You make a mockery of ethics so keep your fat nose in your coffee!

<p style="color:#8D6C55">Let me be frank, don’t start beef with the Frank!

<p style="color:#8D6C55">Who hangs with B. Franks, giving ladies beef franks!

The Eastern Philosophers:
<p style="color:#F62817">I have turned them on themselves, their chaos is our opportunity!

<p style="color:#FDD017">We must remember, a bowl is most useful when it is empty.

<p style="color:#F62817">Ugh, Laozi, I don’t mean no disrespect,

<p style="color:#F62817">But you need to fill your bowl with some shit that makes some sense!

<p style="color:#FDD017">Oh, you don’t want to stand in the path of Lao Tzu today,

<p style="color:#FDD017">I’ll make you move, bitch, get out the way!

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">Yo, where in the tradition of rap battles is it written,

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some clucking chickens?

<p style="color:#F62817">Man, Confucius, you always try to put something in its place,

<p style="color:#F62817">Why don’t you tell your eyebrows they need to fit better on your face?

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">Okay, I see, you wanna make it like that?

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">I’ll smack that warmongering head out of your to-go box hat!

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">So here’s the real golden rule, I’m way above you weak rookies,

<p style="color:#9E9E9E">Confucius say you can all hold these fortune cookies!

Trivia

 * This is the longest battle to date, at 4:20, beating the previous record set by Steven Spielberg vs Alfred Hitchcock by twenty seconds.