User blog:WonderPikachu12/Total Drama ERB episode 3: The Dynamic Do-Over

On the third episode of Total Drama ERB, the teams head to Gotham City in search of Robin. Which team will find Robin? Which team won't? Who is going to fuck up first, since we already know that'll happen soon enough?

Written by A6, Tux, and me.

Story
EpicLLOYD: Last time, on Total Drama ERB!

Nice Peter: In an ass monkey of a challenge, Team Epic Winners had to dodge a barrage of barrels sent in by Team Massive Failures! Some injuries were gained...on both teams alike! In the end, when Sarah Palin refused to let Joan get hit before her, she cause the loses of three of her teammates! So the one who took the barrel...took the barrel.

EpicLLOYD: Please just leave the jokes to me.

Nice Peter: Now, we're going to see who gets the boot after the most cunning episode yet!

EpicLLOYD: Most cunning because this is the third episode.

Nice Peter: Right here, on Total! Drama! ERB!

''*The scene cuts to early morning. Two cabins a couple yards apart. One houses the Epic Winners and the other holds the Massive Failures. Meanwhile, Leonidas is asleep in a pit he dug himself.*''

Leonidas: Zzzz...snrrrk...zzzzz... AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

*Leonidas wakes up in an instant with a loud scream, drawing most of the contestants out confused, disoriented, and mostly pissed off.*

William Wallace: And just what the fuck was that all about?!

Leonidas: What was what all about, you Scottish prick?

William Wallace: Yer screamin' like a bloody six year old!

Leonidas: Hah! I have a six year old son, and he never screams unless he's charging into a fight.

William Wallace: Then you better learn from him, you bloomin' pansy.

Leonidas: I didn't scream! I was...yawning. That's what a real man yawns like, not that you would know.

William Wallace: Excuse me?! Are ye really sayin' I, of all the people here, ain't a real warrior?

Leonidas: Well, you are the only wearing a skirt.

William Wallace: It's a kilt, ye uncultured piece of shite!

Leonidas: I'll culture your face with my fist!!

William Wallace: That doesn't even make any sense!

Master Chief: Their arguing doesn't make any sense.

Justin Bieber: You said it. I'm just going to head back to sleep before the challenge sta-

Nice Peter: Challenge time, everyone!

Justin Bieber: Goddamn it!!

EpicLLOYD: Thanks to your friend Leonidas here, we've decided to start the challenge earlier as punishment because we can.

William Wallace: Nice going, bedwetter.

Leonidas: I told you, it was a YAWN!

'''(Confessional) Leonidas: It really was a yawn! Honest! I didn't have any nightmares or anything! Nothing scares me! I'm motherfucking...no one's going to believe me, huh?'''

''*A black airplane flies down on a runway that was conveniently never there before. Out steps Batman.*''

Nice Peter: For today's challenge, you're going to be taking a trip with Batman here all the way to Gotham! There, you'll have about...oh, I dunno... Did we ever decide a time limit for this challenge?

EpicLLOYD: Hell if I know, I thought you were the one in charge.

Nice Peter: Well, whatever. No time limit since I'm too lazy to think of anything at this hour. Robin is hiding out somewhere in Gotham and you need to find him! Whoever finds Robin first shall be the winner of this challenge, or something.

Goku: Hey there! You're the bat, right? They guy who kicked Superman's ass? Great job, if I do say so myse-

Batman: Don't talk to me. I didn't 'kick his ass', I was doing what I had to for the good of the world. Besides, Superman is a good acquaintance of mine. Talk about beating him up again, and I'll shove your Kamehameha so far up your ass that you'll never-

EpicLLOYD: OKAY, that's enough of that. Don't want this to get too grotesque for our audience.

Nice Peter: What audience?

EpicLLOYD: Shut up.

*The contestants begin piling into the airplane one by one, Marilyn Monroe stopping by Batman before entering.*

Marilyn Monroe: You know, I must say, I always do find men in uniform to be so...dashing...

Batman: I have a son.

Marilyn Monroe: Oh? Even more entrancing... I've always wanted a son...~

Batman: Just get onboard already before I shove you in myself.

Marilyn Monroe: Aww, poo, you're no fun.

''*Marilyn Monroe enters the airplane, Batman following. Minutes later, it takes off the island.*''

Nice Peter: There they go. They grow up so fast...

EpicLLOYD: Should we really have allowed them access into a crime-ridden city filled with ruthless criminals that don't give a shit if they're famous celebrities and historical figures?

Nice Peter: ...eh, who cares?

''*The scene switches to midnight for no apparent reason as the airplane enters Gotham City somehow somewhere. The twenty-two contestants step out into the city.*''

Edgar Allan Poe: Once upon a midnight dreary, as I step into this city...

Eve: Yeesh, this place is filthy. It could certainly use a woman's touch. ...or two...or ten. Ten touches seem appropriate.

Cleopatra: Or my servant's touch. They'd promptly get this place fixed right or I'd see to their execution in no time.

Bob Ross: Man, so many clowns, haha.

Goku: *Goku elbows Eve* I certainly wouldn't mind if I got a woman's ten touches, if you know what I mean.

Eve: Oh, my...

Adam: Grrr...

'''(Confessional) Adam: Who does that douche think he is, taking to Eve like that? He needs to learn to treat women with more respect.'''

'''(Confessional) Eve: Who does that douche think he is, taking to me like that? He needs to learn to treat women with more respect.'''

'''(Confessional) Goku: Hey, don't think I actually care about her. I'm just doing this to find her weakness, to surpass her. She may be my teammate, but we'll be at a merge before you know it, and Eve seems to be that strong-willed type of girl that'll make it pass the merge. I'll be making sure to flirt with Cleopatra and Joan as well. Cleo may be a bit easier as I just have to do her bidding, but Joan...hmm...crossdressing? She's into that, right? Women are stupid...'''

Batman: Alright, punks, listen up. I'm not here to babysit you.

Justin Bieber: We're not babies either.

Muhammad Ali: Says the guy with the song titled "Baby"...

Justin Bieber: Oh, shut up!

Batman: I'm not getting paid enough for this shit... Anyways, I'm not going to repeat myself again.

Al Capone: Sorry, what was that? I wasn't paying attention.

Batman: I said, I'm not going to repeat mys- ... Your mission is to find Robin, who has hidden himself somewhere within this city. We are located in a torn off section known as Arkham City.

Miley Cyrus: Oh, I loved that game! Spider-Man was the best.

Batman: ...it's currently abandoned. ...sort of. I don't think I need to warn you about how dangerous this city is. There are still criminals, solely goons, that are still lingering about. Be careful and watch out for them, as apparently Peter and Lloyd or not liable for any injuries you sustain here.

Adolf Hitler: Wait, what?

Michael Jordan: Hah, I don't care. I'm better with the flu!

Master Chief: He said you'll get hurt, not sick.

Michael Jordan: Oh, whatever. Either way, I'll dominate this challenge!

Muhammad Ali: Are you kidding? You wouldn't last two seconds. I'm definitely going to own this!

Michael Jordan: We're on the same team, it doesn't matter. ...but I'll still kick your ass!

William Wallace: I'll knock both you mates the fuck out if ye don't shut yer whiny little traps.

Leonidas: Hah, you're one to talk about whining.

William Wallace: Oh, for the love of...

Bob Ross: Guys, guys, stop the fighting. The clowns are saying everything will be right as rain.

Edgar Allan Poe: This hallucinating druggy, is the only clown that I see.

Justin Bieber: Ohhhhh, snaaap, dude! Burn!

Batman: FOCUS! For fuck's sake... Despite Peter and Lloyd not giving you any sort of time limit, I'm assigning you until daybreak to find Robin. Otherwise, you all lose.

Eve: Pretty sure that isn't how this works.

Mr. T: You really questioning the possibility with hosts like ours?

Eve: ...point taken.

Kanye West: Hey, guys, that enigma guy is gone again...

Mr. T: Neil? I don't mind. That fool was giving me the creeps since we stepped on this island.

Kanye West: Hey! Don't talk about others behind their backs like that!! He's doing his Kanye Best to help us out!

Joan of Arc: Oh, forgive me Lord, but shut up with the stupid puns already!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of...

Adolf Hitler: Guys, ze Batman is gone.

Master Chief: Well, this whole ordeal has just been a colossal waste of our time. Shall we get going already?

'''(Confessional) Master Chief: Really, I feel like the only one in this whole game that has remotely any common sense. ...besides maybe Eve or Darth Vader.'''

*The two teams split up, Epic Winners heading up north and Massive Failures heading down south.*

 Epic Winners 

Bob Ross: So many happy little buildings.

Darth Vader: I would hardly say any of them are happy. Or little.

Kanye West: So, if we're all going this way together, does this mean we're all Kanye Abreast?

Cleopatra: What's that about breasts?

Darth Vader: It's a word that means "alongside each other, facing on the same direction". Basically, he's just scrounging for puns to use off of his name.

Kanye West: Okay, okay. I don't mean to be a Kanye Pest, so I'll give it a Kanye Rest. That's the last one for a while, I swear.

William Wallace: So help me...

Joan of Arc: I find it best just to ignore him.

Adolf Hitler: I find it best to just murder everyone here, but apparently that'll be a major lawsuit so whatever.

Darth Vader: I swear, if you even try that, I will personally see to your head myself... I'm not letting you ruin my chances like that.

Adolf Hitler: ...uhh, aheh... Whatever you say, triangle mouth.

Darth Vader: ...right. Just know your place on this team. I've still got my eye on you.

Al Capone: You're even more strict than any copper I've encountered, big guy. What are ya, anyways, some sort of space cop?

Darth Vader: I'm a Sith Lord, master of the Force. Soon-to-be ruler of all the known galaxies. I could stop your heart in seconds without even touching you and you wouldn't be able to do shit about it. I can even fucking control your mind if I so pleased. But I'm not letting that ruin my chances of winning this game.

Al Capone: Yeesh...if you could do that, why not just confront Peter and Lloyd and force them to give you the money.

Darth Vader: That's none of your concern.

Al Capone: Whatever you say, tough guy.

Master Chief: You don't really have much reason not to use the Force to encounter them, unless you're really scared of two mediocre rappers.

Darth Vader: ...I just have my own reasons. I see no reason in ruining my chances to win the cash fairly.

Master Chief: Tell that to the planets you were willing to blow up to get your way.

Bob Ross: The clowns are so funny.

Eve: Whatever you say, afro.

Goku: Hey, toots, wanna split off from these losers? They're way giving me the creeps.

Eve: ...yeah, I suppose so. It'll give us more ground to cover, anyways.

(Confessional) Eve: Still don't trust this guy.

 Massive Failures 

Miley Cyrus: So, there's that, what, Penguin guy that lives here, right? Isn't he a total rip-off of that Al Capone guy on the other team or what?

Leonidas: I've never read a comic in my life.

Michael Jordan: Was too busy playing sports in school to care. Basketball, golf, baseball, the works.

Muhammad Ali: I wasn't a total flip-flop on the other hand. I knew I was actually good at what I do instead of being mediocre at a bunch of sports.

Michael Jordan: You wanna say that to my face.

Muhammad Ali: I just did.

Marilyn Monroe: Boys, boys, settle down. Who needs sports or comics anyways, when you could settle for something that can love you back?

*Michael Jordan and Muhammad Ali pause, looking at Marilyn Monroe, then back at each other, before suddenly bursting out laughing and moving on ahead.*

Marilyn Monroe: Hmph! Some boys have absolutely no manners at all.

Lady Gaga: Don't mind them. They're just meatheads. I prefer meatsuits, anyways.

Marilyn Monroe: ...wait, what?

Lady Gaga: Suits made up of various animal meats. I've worn some before.

Mr. T: Don't worry, Miss Monroe. If ya ever need someone there for you, I'll be right here.

Marilyn Monroe: Thanks, but no thanks. After nearly getting me kicked off in the first challenge, I'm going to go do this myself. See ya, boys.

''*Marilyn Monroe walks off in another direction. After looking back at Lady Gaga for a bit and stopping, Mr. T decideds to go on after her.*''

Justin Bieber: Well, there goes those two. Two less members on the team to help search for Robin. ...and two less members to get in my way of winning... Would be so sad if they got mauled by bad guys or something...

'''(Confessional) Justin Bieber: What? I totally would be sad...'''

Miley Cyrus: All this because I brought up Batman. Geez, I thought everyone loved Marvel...

Adam: If you're going to fake loving nerd-stuff, at least try to get it right.

Miley Cyrus: Excuse me?

Adam: It's kinda obvious you're only pretending to like all this stuff. Every time you bring up something, it's so obviously wrong it isn't even funny.

'''(Confessional) Miley Cyrus: I don't fake liking it! I actually do! I just...I'm having a hard time getting every detail right. Give me a break, geez.'''

*Marilyn Monroe wanders off alone through an alley, looking around.*

Marilyn Monroe: Gee... I'm all alone... It would be just absolutely terrible if someone wanted to hurt me...

Mr. T: Monroe! Don't worry. I'm here and I'll protect you. Momma would chew my ear off to no end if she knew I let anything bad happen to a pretty lady like yourself.

Marilyn Monroe: Oh, don't touch me! Seriously, you've been nothing but a pest since I got here, doing everything I tell you not to do.

Mr. T: I've only been trying to help you! What's wrong with that?

Marilyn Monroe: I don't want your help! I've never wanted your help! All I wanted this entire time was to find someone to get in-

''*In an instant, someone behind Mr. T kicks him square in the side, to which he is tossed into a wall and collapses rather pathetically. A rather massive mugger stands before Monroe now, holding a knife up to her.*''

Mugger: Now, be a nice lady and hand over anything valuable you may have on you.

Marilyn Monroe: Oh...well, I don't have anything that I can give you...besides maybe my body.

Mugger: Eh? Look, lady, I'm here to rob you.

Marilyn Monroe: You could rob me off my innocence.

Mugger: You're flirting with someone who is willing to kill you. That's not innocent.

Marilyn Monroe: I'm all for a little S&M.

Mugger: And now you're really creeping me out.

Marilyn Monroe: Oh, come on. Just take me already!

Mugger: I am not having sex you. I have a wife and kids.

Marilyn Monroe: What they don't know won't hurt them!

Mugger: Wow, this is way too awkward for me. I'm just going to go find someone else to rob now.

*As the mugger turns around to leave, he's suddenly punched square in the face and collapses before Marilyn Monroe.*

Robin: POW! How ya like me now?

Marilyn Monroe: Oh, my...

Robin: Hi, there! I'm here to save you, miss. You're not hurt, are you?

Marilyn Monroe: Oh, no, no, I'm fine. ...say, you sure are quite the strong man for such a young boy.

Robin: Uhh, well...yeah, I guess.

Marilyn Monroe: I always like strong, young men, especially ones in uniform.

Robin: Wait, what?

Marilyn Monroe: Your name is Robin, correct? How about I take you back to my nest?

Robin: I am growing uncomfortable with where this is going...

Marilyn Monroe: Maybe you could show me your moves. Always wanted to see you "bam", "pow", "kersplat" someone up close.

Robin: I need an adult...

Marilyn Monroe: Oh, just get in bed with me already!

*Marilyn Monroe grabs hold of Robin's arm, before he pulls away and runs off crying hysterically.*

Marilyn Monroe: ...damn.


 * Several minutes later, everyone has been rounded back up together, everyone absolutely confused, aside from Marilyn Monroe who just stands there nervously.*

Batman: So, Massive Failures is technically the winner of this rather fucked-up challenge.

Adam: Seriously?

Justin Beiber: Yes!

Edgar Allan Poe: Hark, for we are victorious! Another solid win, it marks us glorious!

Cleopatra: Well, this has been just an absolute complete waste of my time.

Bob Ross: Ouch, man. Not cool...

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Technically implies that there is a twist to what Batman has said.

Batman: Correct. Marilyn Monroe was the one to find Robin. However, upon finding him, she attempted to lure him into having sex with her, and he ran off crying and frightened. Therefore, after contacting Peter and Lloyd, we have decided that instead, Massive Failures failed, with Epic Winners winning. And as a result, Marilyn Monroe has been disqualified from the game.

*The Massive Failures all turn to glare at Marilyn Monroe, who just waves at them rather awkwardly.*

Cleopatra: Well, I'm fine with just being handed the win. Less work on my part.

Joan of Arc: That implies you did anything to begin with, but alright.

Goku: Bullshit! This is an unjust victory! I'm not sastified until I've proven myself the strongest and win a challenge myself!!

Kanye West: Shut the fuck up!! All you did was run off and flirt with Eve over there!!!

Adam: Wait, what?

Goku: Oh, shut up. At least I've got a girl over here.

Eve: Actually, no you don't. All you've done today is creep me out, and I'd prefer you just leave me alone for a while.

Goku: Fine, whatever, see if I care! You'll regret rejecting me when the time comes later on, anyways.

Eve: Whatever, I don't need you anyways.

Kanye West: Maaan, that dude is cold. I guess you could call him...Heartless.

Muhammad Ali: I don't get it.

Kanye West: Heartless. ...it's a song. ...by me.

Edgar Allan Poe: This bipolar fools seems to insinuate, that anyone actually listens to the music he makes.

Justin Bieber: Buuuurrrrn!

Edgar Allan Poe: That goes for you, too, cracker box. Ye acting so cocky with your head full of rocks.

Batman: For the love of the Joker, just get in the goddamn airplane.

''*And so everyone piles in for an incredibly awkward flight back to the island. The scene then cuts to the docks as Hulk Hogan drops Marilyn Monroe into a barrel.*''

Marilyn Monroe: Don't handle me so roughly, you brute! ...actually, no, wait, do it again~

EpicLLOYD: Well, this was one hell of an awkward episode. Hopefully the next challenge won't be so innuendo-filled, especially when it's got something we all love: lots and lots and lots of death.

Nice Peter: Oh, but no one's dying, don't worry. We'd get sued way too much for that.

EpicLLOYD: Especially since half the contestants are technically dead anyways.

Nice Peter: Will William Wallace and Leonidas settle their sudden hatred for one another? Will Miley Cyrus ever know what she's talking about? Will Goku ever stop being such an absolute douche?

EpicLLOYD: Find out next time on Total! DRAMA! ERB!! ...also, someone kick Marilyn Monroe's barrel into the water already?

Hulk Hogan: Can do, boss.

Marilyn Monroe: No, wait, wait, wait, no!

*Splash!*

Remaining
Team Epic Winners