User blog:Awesomesix/5 Most majestic things on earth, ever

Earth is majestic. So much life, so much air, and don't forget the food. And on Earth, there is many majestic things. So, we shall take time to admire these majestic things by looking at them forever. Or something.

#5: Flying Squirrel
Flying squirrels are majestic as fuck. Squirrels are good enough being able to walk, but flying? That is majestic. They don't even need to flap their wings, they just spread out their arms, and they're flying across the sky. We need more of these in our parks, soaring around and beating the shit out of the pigeons. Fuck off, pigeons, those are the flying squirrel's birdseed, you bastards. Sometimes, I imagine looking up into the sky, and seeing 50,000 of these flying together in one massive flock. If that isn't jaw-drop and pants-soil worthy, then I don't know what is. Just be careful to close your mouths, or you might risk getting nuts in your mouth. Not those nuts, you sick bastards. Stop thinking about that. You're nasty.

#4: Sloth
Every now and then, I feel like giving up. I feel like going outside to the nearest tree, grabbing onto a branch, and sleeping. The sloth is one majestic motherfucker. He gets to do what most of us strive to do every day, work our hardest for: Be one lazy sunnuvabitch. Their whole species revolves around sleeping, pissing, shitting, and eating. Not to mention the fact that they can probably scratch their butts easily and not get yelled at. Although I'd hate to be a sloth and scratching my butt, and have one of my claws enter my butthole. Ew. Sloths used to be like 10 feet tall or something, and eat fucking trees, but that was too majestic for Earth to handle, so we had to put up with the small ones. And let me say, that is pretty damn fine by me.

#3: Alligator Snapping Turtle
These are nature's way of saying "Fuck you, here's a turtle". And you know what? I ain't even mad. This is one majestic turtle. I mean, just look at it. Half of the pictures of it are it just sitting there with that dumb look on it's face like it's trying to yawn and sing at the same time. It looks like that face someone makes after they say a joke and are expecting a response; don't worry little guy, we fucking loved that joke. These snapping turtles also look like a tank. What's more majestic than a fucking tank? Not much, I tell you. Not much. However, don't be fooled; behind that sexy turtle lies an evil predator. This thing could bite your hand, dick, or sea cucumber straight off. Trust me when I say this, I don't think you would want to have a turtle bite off your dick. You wouldn't be able to joust with it, after all.

#2: Capybaras
These creatures are related to rat. But don't be fooled, these are not your nasty, rabid, STD infected little rats that nibble on your ass in the toilet (this has happened before). Around the size of a dog, these creatures are by far the most majestic mammal on the planet. I mean, just look at that face. He looks pretty damn happy. And that makes me happy. They live in the Amazon, with nasty snakes and fish so big they could swallow you whole. With a lot to put up with, they sure can do well. These things are known to live for 4 years, however, so their majesticness ends quickly. So, make it last, and get one of these bastards. Oh, that's right. You can have one as a pet. Ohhhh yeah.

And number 1 is...

#1: Sea Cucumber
Just kidding.

Number one is....

#1: Birds of Paradise
These things... I don't even know what to say. They're just majestic. They looks so stupid, but yet, so majestic. They do what every man yearns to do; they get laid while looking like a fucking tool. They usually have to dance for the ladies, but they always get what they want. From curly tail feathers to looking like they have no head, these things are the most god damn majestic things ever. Just imagine this, gentlemen and lady. You're walking around, when you see a guy walk up to a girl and take off all of his clothes, but he's covered in Christmas lights and vaseline underneath. Then, he pulls out a lighter and sets himself on fire, and proceeds to dance. Gentlemen, don't deny it, if he was your friend, you'd probably be saying "Dude, you just scored!" to him. Ladies, you'd probably be like "I want to fuck him". Only they are birds. And they don't cover themselves in Christmas lights. Or light themselves on fire. Because that would be fucking stupid.

Sea cucumbers

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