User blog:Loygansono55/Donald Trump vs Ebenezer Scrooge - Literal Review

So, as I'm sure you've seen, there have been a lot of literal reviews floating around the Wiki recently, and because of this, I decided to make one just to see how it turns out. Not that I expect anybody to read this, but I hope you like it, so please sit comfortably over there with those trousers in the corner and enjoy :P

Donald Trump:
Wake up, Scrooge! I'm about to take a Dickens of a dump,

(Scrooge is already awake, Trump, couldn't you see his misspelled title card?)

On this lonely, homely, little miserable grump!

(By taking a "Dickens of a dump" on him after calling him a miserable grump, don't you think that's just a tad hypocritical?)

I'm like the star on a Christmas tree, you're like the stump,

(Your skin's certainly bright enough here to resemble a star.)

I'm not known for my heart, but you're still getting Trumped!

(You're insulting an old man, so no, you aren't known for your heart.)

You remind me of my ex-wife in a bikini, cause you disgust me,

(If my wife was an old man in a bikini, I'd be disgusted as well.)

Keep your TB from Tiny Timmy away from me, don't even touch me,

(If you don't want to be near him, I wouldn't recommend shitting on him.)

I don't shake hands, I don't make fans, I ruin rappers faster than Scottish lands,

(No, you don't assemble fans, Captain Obvious. How can the Scottish Highlands ruin rappers? Do they get lost?)

Even Jay-Z knows what a pimp I am, I've got my name on the front of the business, man!

(A 67 year old who defectates on old men is not what I would call a "pimp". And yes, you do. I can read.)

My raps will haunt you, make you think you're going insane,

(Your raps aren't that bad, are they? And did I just spot a bad ghost pun? For shame, Trump. For shame.)

You're about to get whooped by three emcees of the ethereal plane,

(You can predict the future all of a sudden?)

So when the clock strikes, prepare to enter a world of Christmas pain,

(Listening to Kanye West is pretty painful, and definitely not my ideal way to spend Christmas.)

Cause I'm out! I've got my own f***ing problems, call me 2 Chainz!

(The only f***ing problem here is that you're leaving without making a "You're fired!" joke. I am disappointed. I will not be calling you 2 Chainz after that, thank you very much.)

Ebenezer Scrooge:
How dare you disturb me when I'm napping in my chair?

(Like I said, you were already awake.)

You're a crappy rap-spitting apparition, I ain't scared,

(If Donald Trump appeared before me and began insulting me, I'd be pretty damn terrified.)

Of this random phantom, haunt all you want, I don't care,

(You cared enough to insult him.)

I do not believe in ghosts, and I don't believe that hair!

(If you don't believe in ghosts, then who are you rapping against? Are you having an argument with yourself? If so, I don't really like your hair either.)

J.P. Morgan:
Don't panic, Scrooge! But you're about to crash!

(That's right, don't panic! A dead man just showed up and is now rap battling you, that's all.)

I'm J.P. Morgan, the ghost of rich dude's past,

(Oh, it's only J.P. Morgan. It's all good.)

Who's properly rocking the Monopoly moustache,

(Alright, not gonna lie, that is a pretty impressive moustache.)

Yo, I own the railroad, I run these tracks!

(You're not on the railroad, you're in Scrooge's living room. I'm pretty sure Scrooge runs things in his own home.)

You got dumped on a bench, now you're pissed at the world,

(It looks like J.P. Morgan is spying on your sex life. I would call the police if I were you.)

You should have made like Sebastian, and kissed the girl,

(Sebastian never kissed the girl, that would be bestiality. Wait, do mermaids even count as animals? Eh, who am I to question this man's logic? That moustache is godly. I shall never doubt you again, Morgan'.)

Cause your greed is the curse that's gonna tear you apart,

(He's right. Damn, I want a moustache like that...)

What good is your purse when you're poor in your heart?

(Can I touch your moustache?)

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Bah humbug! Your raps don't unnerve me, they're atrocious!

(You sound unnerved, I mean, you're still rapping.)

What frightens me the most is your gross ghost proboscis,

(As long as J.P. Morgan has that moustache, you are not fit to insult his face.)

Business and success, that's the life I've selected,

(Being hated by everybody you know = success. That seems right.)

So enough with your pictures from the past, I'm not affected!

(If you're asking him to stop, then that kind of implies that you're affected.)

Kanye West:
Well, you're about to be right now,

(If he has to listen to you rap, then yes, he'll be affected.)

I'm the ghost of what's right now!

(You're the ghost of what's wrong now. That's all I got, sorry.)

Just take a lesson from Yeezy,

(You're the one who needs a music lesson. Anybody seen Beethoven around here?)

You're missing the point, Ebeneezy,

(Says the worst rapper in this battle.)

There's more to life than your work, take it easy,

(Just because you have a slutty wife, that doesn't give you the right

Even I can make time for Azizy!

(Good for Azizy.)

Best put some friends on your wish list,

(Scrooge despises Christmas, he doesn't have a wishlist.)

Cause you don't know the spirit of Christmas,

(Yes he does, he's talking to one right now.)

If you did, then you would at this moment,

(But he already does!)

Be sharing your money with some of the homeless!

(Dude, you've got to teach me how to make little children come out of my crotch!)

Ebenezer Scrooge:
No! This isn't happening! Oh, this is maddening, agony! Wait!

(Yep, it is happening.)

Actually, harkening back to the dead Donald's lecture,

(So now death threats are equivalent to lectures.)

I still am expecting a final specter!

(Then you better clean up, and quickly. You don't want your house a mess when this specter gets here.)

The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come:
Boo!

(Oh, hello there, Death. Make yourself at home. Can I get you a cup of coffee?)

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Aaah!

(You said you were expecting this ghost, so you shouldn't be frightened.)

The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come:
You're gonna die!

(Subtle.)

With no one to love you, and no one to cry,

(I'm pretty sure Scrooge would be crying. Think about how he feels for once. You don't have to be so grim all the time. Pun not intended.)

Alone by yourself on the bed of your death,

(Whoah, alone and by himself?)

With the stench of regret on your last dying breath!

(What does regret smell like?)

You've chosen the path of a selfish man,

(If he's so selfish and hated, then why are you telling him all this, and allowing him to escape his sad fate?)

With Tiny Tim's innocent blood on your hands,

(Caught red-handed! I'm sorry, I had to.)

The penance you pay for the way you behave,

(Four years of community service! Ha, just joking, you'll die alone.)

Is written as plain as the name on this grave!

(What grave? That's not very clear, considering there's nothing to read.)

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Are these the shadows of things that will be, or things that may be?

(I don't know, Google it.)

Only if I depart from my course can they change? Say it is thus with what you show me!

(Who are you talking to? The ghost just left. You're getting senile.)

I promise to mend my ways, a friend to all men is what I will become,

(All men? What about women? No wonder people don't like you, you sexist douchebag.)

It's Christmas! I haven't missed my chance to be different, God bless us, every-

(Nope, it's the middle of January. Oh, you're having a moment? Sorry, I'll just be over here then...)

And that's my literal review, please give me feedback, it would be appreciated. If you have any requests, official ERB or fanmades, even YouTube battles like ERBP and whatnot, feel free to suggest those as well, and I can make some if you want.

Thanks for reading :P