Alexander the Great vs Ivan the Terrible/Rap Meanings

Ivan the Terrible:
Look alive, crème de la Kremlin's arriving

(The French term crème de la crème means best of the best. Ivan refers to himself as the best from the Kremlin, a Russian citadel which housed him and the successive leaders of Russia. Ivan tells Alexander that he is coming and to brighten up for their battle).

Try to serve Ivan: no surviving

(Ivan tells Alexander that if he tries to serve, or harshly beat him in this rap battle that he will fail and perish. Ivan also makes a pun on the homophones "serve Ivan" and "survivin'.")

You're a land rover, I'm a land expander

(Ivan calls Alexander a land rover, comparing him to the large form of vehicle. The lands that Ivan took over remained part of the Russian empire, whilst Alexander's empire fell apart after his death, hence him being a rover, i.e. an explorer and traveller rather than a proper expander. This may also reference the belief that Alexander sought out fights and didn't concentrate on solidifying his control over the lands he took.)

Here to hand you your first loss, Alexander

(Alexander was supposedly unbeaten during his life. Ivan says that he will be the first person to defeat Alexander, but this time in a rap battle format.)

I'll school you like Aristotle

(Alexander was tutored by the philosopher Aristotle in his youth. While schooling normally refers to teaching, it is also a slang word for applying discipline, which Ivan says he will do to Alexander.)

Smack you harder than you hit that bottle

(Hitting the bottle is a euphemism for heavy drinking, and Alexander was well-known for his bouts of drunkenness. Ivan says that he will beat Alexander so hard his alcoholic exploits will pale in comparison.)

You're nothing but an overrated lush; I'll crush ya

("Lush" is a slang term for someone who drinks excessively. Ivan tells Alexander that his achievements are glorified and are not as significant as they might seem, and goes on to say he will easily defeat Alexander.)

I'm the first Tsar of all of Russia

(Ivan the Terrible was the first person to be given the title "Tsar of all Russias" and uses this as a brag to demonstrate his power and experience.)

<p style="font-weight:normal;">You're an asshole with an anastole

<p style="font-weight:normal;">(Ivan calls Alexander an asshole, showing his view of Alex to be one of contempt. He references Alexander's hairstyle, an anastole, which is a Greek hairstyle where the hair is brushed so as to appear wreath-like. This style is particularly attributed to Alexander the Great.)

<p style="font-weight:normal;">I'm heaven sent, divine and holy

<p style="font-weight:normal;">(Tsars in Russia were considered to be deliverers of God's will, so Ivan boasts that he is considered a figure so intricately tied to God himself.)

<p style="font-weight:normal;">So don't even try to approach the God

<p style="font-weight:normal;">(Due to his mental instability, Ivan began to develop a complex in which he would consider himself some form of deity. He tells Alexander that he shouldn't come near him for reasons explains in the following line.)

<p style="font-weight:normal;">Or you'll get a huge sack like Novgarod

<p style="font-weight:normal;">(In historical contexts, to sack a particular place is to raid and pillage it. The Massacre of Novgarod is considered one of the most brutal attacks in the history of Ivan's secret police and vicious law enforcers, the Oprichnina. Using a pun on the word 'sack', meaning both to invade and steal, and also 'ballsack' or testicles, Ivan claims he will kick Alexander in his gonads so hard that they will violently swell.)

Alexander the Great:
Hey, fella, swell diss

(Alexander is sarcastically complimenting Ivan's disses against him.)

But now you got the Panhellenist from Pella hella pissed

Stepping up's foolish as well as useless

Little Vasilyevich, let me spell out the list

I brought foes to their knees in Phoenecia

Breezed through Gaza to Giza

Had the Balkans, Persia, Syria, Iraq

And Pakistan in my expansion pack

While you died in the middle of a game of chess

You got vodka bars: flavorless

And what I'm 'bout to spit will be the craziest

So go fix me a drink so I can stay refreshed!

'''Kudos! Greek for the glory I got'''

From winning every single war that I fought

So this'll be straight forward, I'll take up this sword that I brought

And slice you in half like the Gordian knot

And I'll soar to the top like the eagle whose feather I would sport

In the helmet that I wore

As I swatted my many enemies, shattered 'em like a porcelain pot

And they'd be praying for the torture to stop

But I would leave 'em contorted and they'd be screaming and roaring

Until their vocals cords were torn up and shot

And I would holler "Bucephalus!", hop up on my horsey and trot

I win, Ivan, I vanquish, I'm an immortal, you're not!

Ivan the Terrible:
'''Enough! I don't stand a chance against your skills'''

(To trick Alexander, Ivan feigns surrender, admitting defeat against Alexander.)

'''на здоровье! A drink to your victory!'''

(Ivan offers the drink Alexander demanded earlier, following his "Kudos" with "на здоровье", a Russian greeting of "to good health". But Ivan's shifty eyes imply different intentions than celebrating Alexander's victory...)

Alexander the Great:
Yes, I will

(Alexander accepts the drink.)

It seems no one can defeat me; I weep, it's all so easy

(Alexander comments on his conquests, paying homage to a quote with origins from Twilight Zone and Die Hard, "And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer." The original quote is likely based off a quotation from Psalm 146, "Alexander of Macedon, who, upon hearing that there were other worlds, wept that he had not yet conquered one." He then takes a drink and suddenly Alexander becomes visibly confused and distressed.)

Ivan the Terrible:
What's wrong?

(Ivan sarcastically asks Alexander if he's alright, despite knowing exactly what happened...)

Alexander the Great:
'''I feel a bit... queasy'''

(Alexander explains that after taking a drink he feels sick...)

Ivan the Terrible:
'''Ha! You've been poisoned!'''

(Ivan cheers for the murder of his enemy.)

Alexander the Great:
'''Oh! The pain is unbearable!'''

(The poison Ivan served Alexander starts painfully killing him.)

My stomach's riddled with holes!

(Alexander drops dead as the poison eats away at his insides.)

Ivan the Terrible:
(Ugh) I'm terrible

(Ivan commends himself, calling himself terrible, in a similar way someone would call themselves "bad" or "horrible," after killing his foe. This, of course, is a pun on his epithet, Ivan the Terrible.)

There's no great who could defeat this Russian

(Ivan shouts his successes and challenges that no "Great" could defeat him, noting his Russian nationality as he does so.)

Frederick the Great:
(Psst) What about a flute-busting Prussian?

(Frederick the Great enters, a shadow at first, to offer that perhaps he could defeat Ivan. Frederick the Great was a "Great" leader of Prussia who was prolific with the flute.)

(Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz!)

(Frederick builds up his verse with a flute solo as a series of voices chant his nickname, Old Fritz.)

'''I'm Frederick the Great! Out the gate, first servant of state!'''

Oblique attack tactics ain't exactly straight

(He was frequently leading his soldiers into battle, and also reportedly having homosexual affairs, that he admitted in a previous line making a pun)

I've got creative talents and battle malice

(He was a very talented general, and often lead his armies personally in the field.)

Hard as steel on the field, genteel in the palace!

(He was famed for his tactics in the field, with bold strong attacks that many describe as a precursor to Blitzkrieg, but he was also famed for being very cultured.)

Russia's fucked up but no wonder why!

'''With your tundras and taigas and bears! Oh my!'''

I would pay a guy to tear out my eyes

If I had to look at your troll face every night!

(This is an insult to Ivan's appearance, where Frederick says that he would pay to have his eyes torn out just so that he does not have to look at Ivan's face)

Now bring me my chair!

I'm weary from tearing you a new derrière from here to Red Square

Fought a Seven Years' War; I ain't scared of a Tsar!

(He led Prussia in the Seven Years War, pitting the small kingdom against not just Russia, but Sweden, Austria, France and others, and won. So he isn't afraid of just one Tsar when he already beat one long with so many others)

Cause beating you only took me twelve bars!

(He is saying that he has won the rap while also comparing the duration of his verses to the aformentioned war. He is saying that Ivan is not putting up a fight the same way the other's fought in the Seven Years' War.)

Ivan the Terrible:
Oh, what a humiliating defeat!

(Ivan sarcastically admits that he has had a bad defeat.)

I know when I am beat, so, of course, take a seat

Frederick the Great:
I'd keep ripping you to shreds, but I'll take a break instead

And just rest my little head.

Ivan the Terrible:
Why don't you drop dead, Fred!

(Ivan prepares to kill Frederick by beheading him with a garrote wire. "Drop Dead Fred" is also a comedic movie made in 1991)

(Hmm) My expectations were a lot higher

(Frederick suddenly dies on his own in the armchair just as he did in real life. Ivan is disappointed that a ruler and opponent as great as Frederick died in an non-notable way.)

But at least I saved the rubles on the garrote wire

(Ivan is pleased that he can save his garrote wire for another time.)

It's another great day and another great victory

'Cause no great can beat me

(Ivan had successfully murdered two leaders with the title "the Great", so he loudly proclaims his power.)

Pompey the Great:
'''What about me, Pompey? Yeah!'''

(Pompey attempts to enter the battle but is interrupted and beheaded by Catherine the Great. This is a reference to Pompey the Great's death wherein he was assassinated and beheaded before he could enter Egypt to give a speech.)

Catherine the Great:
Macedonians, Prussians and Romans; those aren't worthy opponents.

(The previous three rappers, Alexander, Frederick and Pompey were Macedonian, Prussian and Roman respectively, and Catherine believes that they cannot defeat Ivan for a reason which she expains in the next line)

'''It takes a Russian to take down a Russian! I'm Cat. I'm a cat, you're a rodent!'''

(She is saying that other nationalities, cannot win this rap, and only a true blooded Russian (as she is) can. Cat is a shortened version of her name Catherine. A cat would normally chase, kill and eat mice which is another comparison uses to say she'll beat Ivan)

How are you the head of our state when the state of your head was such a crazy one?

(Ivan suffered from several severe mental and psycological problems, thus the state of his head was crazy 'making him unfit to lead a country.)

'''Such sick shit going through your brain that you stuck a spike through your own son! (Oooh!)'''

(Ivan once struck his son in the head with a staff, killing him.)

You're unbalanced, like I unbalanced the European powers with the wars I waged.

I brought the Russian empire straight out the olden days and right into the golden age!

I'm the boss bitch that you just can't meddle with!

This whole battle's like Alaska 'cause I settled it!

Ivan the Terrible:
(Mmm) What a beautiful queen to beat me in a battle

(Ivan states Catherine is a 'beautiful' queen to go against him in the battle.)

Accept this gift, Your Highness, I hear you enjoy the saddle

(Ivan tells Catherine to accept a gift from him which is a horse. Ivan then tells Catherine that she enjoys the saddle. This is a reference to a rumor that Catherine died making a sex act to an animal, which is believed to be the horse, on the saddle.)

Catherine the Great:
That horse story is a pile of shit,

(Catherine states that the rumor is not true, and is shit, because it wasn't true, as Catherine died from a stroke on her bed.)

Though I do keep 'em chomping at the bit!

But you're never gonna get it, nyet,

Couldn't spin in my chamber if this were Russian roulette!

I'm picking up where Peter the Great left off!

Bringing sexy back to House Romanov!

So don't call me Queen, I'm far more Great!

'''Empress to Tsar 8, bitch! Checkmate.'''