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Christopher Columbus vs Captain Kirk is the fourteenth installment of Epic Rap Battles of History and the fourteenth episode of Season 1. It features the Italian explorer who allegedly discovered America, Christopher Columbus, rapping against captain of the USS Enterprise from Star TrekCaptain Kirk. It was released on October 10th, 2011.


Nice Peter as Christopher Columbus

EpicLLOYD as Captain Kirk

Omar Gharaibeh as Spock (cameo)

Jon Na as Hikaru Sulu (cameo)

Mary Doodles as a hot alien (cameo)


Christopher Columbus:

Arrivederci, I'mma leave before this battle begins…

…'Cause we both know in the end which of these captains gonna win!

I'll show you how a real explorer handles a situation!

I'll beat you so bad, they'll feel it in the next generation.

So bring it on! I'll whip you like a Klingon!

My rhymes will burrow in your ears like The Wrath of Khan!

I've got a neck chop for Spock! I'll put my sword through Sulu!

Check into a Priceline hotel and watch your fat ass on Hulu!

Captain Kirk:

I'm the…enterprising captain, James…Tiberius Kirk,

Representing Riverside Iowa, planet…Earth.

I…hear you call yourself an explorer, but I'm just not having it.

You…discovered a new world that was already inhabited!

Why don't you…boldly go someplace you've never gone before?

Like India, or…any destination you've actually set sail for.

You spaghetti-eating fuck! How's your spice rack doing?

I'll be…chilling in my spaceship. Have fun canoeing.

Christopher Columbus:

You know, rapping against you, it's not even fun.

It's like somebody set your brains on stun!

I am the fabric of history! You are a fictional stain!

I'll stick a flag up your ass and claim you for Spain!

Captain Kirk:

Mr. Spock, beam me back to 1492 so I can beat this man like it's my…job.

We'll see how Isabella likes my…captain's log.

It's…Kobayashi for you. There's no way you could win.

When your…weak crew sees me approaching, they'll be like, "Dammit, it's Jim!"

I'll double-fist punch you, you slave-making bitch!

Now…take your genocidal ass off of my bridge.

Scrapped lyrics

Captain Kirk:

Keep my crew's name out of your mouth or you'll get hurt.

I'll Leif Ericson your ass and predate your best work.

Yeoman Rand and Marlena gave you too many favors.

Bones diagnosed, you got sores on your phaser!




  • Footage of Nice Peter and EpicLLOYD doing a live performance of this battle was leaked on YouTube several days before the official battle was released.[1]
  • On August 22nd, 2016, "Beaming up Season 5.5 videos as soon as we can!" was written in the description of the video.
  • This battle was originally titled "Columbus vs Captain Kirk", before being changed to include Columbus' first name.


  • This battle was originally going to be Christopher Columbus vs Neil Armstrong; however, it was later switched to Columbus vs Captain Kirk. This is because, during research, Nice Peter thought Neil was "unflappable", and that there wouldn't be anything bad to diss him for.
  • Nice Peter showed two hints as to who the battle was between on his channel NicePeterToo. One was in the Monday Show episode "Monday is for New Rules", which showed them performing without costumes. The other was in the episode "Monday Shows Continue Despite", which showed them in costumes.[2][3]
  • The sunrise in the sequence before the announcer introduces the battle may be a reference to the opening of the 1968 film 2001: A Space Oddysey.
    • Incidentally, HAL 9000, the primary antagonist of the film, appeared in a later battle.
      • The director of the film, Stanley Kubrick also appeared in a later battle.
        • This is the second battle where the ERB logo is not shown in the first scene, with the first being Napoleon vs Napoleon.
  • This battle has the longest intro of any ERB, at 25 seconds (not counting Hitler vs Vader 2 and Hitler vs Vader 3, as their instrumentals were not playing for the entirety of their intros).



  • In Columbus' title card, "Columbus" is misspelled as "Colombus".
  • During the line "You know, rapping against you, it's not even fun", "against" is misspelled as "agaisnt".
  • During the "Who won? Who's next? You decide!" sequence at the end, Columbus' background is entirely black.

Related videos


Epic Rap Battles of History
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