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Season 4
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Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers
Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers
Battle information
Release date July 6, 2015
Number 55
Views 71M
Length 4:20
Previous Terminator vs Robocop
Next Shaka Zulu vs Julius Caesar
Beat Information
Beat(s) Ring the Alarm
BPM 75
Beat producer(s) Diamond Style Productions
Other information
Actors Nice Peter
Zach Sherwin
Tim Chantarangsu
MC Jin
Rappers Nietzsche In BattleSocrates In BattleVoltaire In Battle
Lao Tzu In BattleSun Tzu In BattleConfucius In Battle
Location(s) Western Landmarks
Ancient China

Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers is the fifty-fifth installment of Epic Rap Battles of History and the tenth episode of Season 4. It features Western Philosophers: NietzscheSocrates, and Voltaire, rapping against Eastern PhilosophersLao Tzu, Sun Tzu, and Confucius. It was released on July 6th, 2015. 


The Western Philosophers

Nice Peter as Nietzsche

EpicLLOYD as Socrates

Zach Sherwin as Voltaire

The Eastern Philosophers

KRNFX as Lao Tzu

Tim Chantarangsu as Sun Tzu

MC Jin as Confucius


[Note: Socrates is in vanilla, Nietzsche is in brown, Voltaire is in orange, Lao Tzu is in yellow, Sun Tzu is in red, and Confucius is in gray. If either group is rapping together, they will appear in regular text.]

The Western Philosophers:

I'm coming off the Acropolis to start some pandemonium.

Don't bring limp raps to a pimp slap symposium!

The mad gadfly, philosophy was my invention!

Rolling with the flyest nihilist, and me, their French henchman!

We've got the wisdom and the wit that even I couldn't question!

Dropping Western medicine on these East infections!

It's evident you've never been our type of mental brethren!

We're better thinkers, better speakers, better lovers, better men!

The Eastern Philosophers:

This type of arrogance is sure to be expected

From men who speak of wisdom with no clue of what respect is!

You Westerners are sloppy, needing discipline in life.

You lack control of yourselves and of the mic,

While we use precise strikes to disrupt your concentration!

Hand you an ass-whipping our descendants will honor for generations!

We filled a nation with patience and the presence for living,

And you'll never hold a candle to the wisdom we've written!

The Western Philosophers:

Oh, I'll give you something you can bow and kowtow to

When I squat down and squeeze out a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu!

You need to take control of the life you're given!

They call me Übermensch 'cause I'm so driven!

And I'm a freethinker, so confronting conformists like you? It's my job!

Got a sharp wit like a spit that'll skewer you like a Confu-shish kebab!

(Oh!) You flubbed the mission. I'm beating your submissive ass into submission!

Dishing out more disses than letters and pamphlets and plays I've been publishing!

Now that we've covered the two Yin and Yang twins, I can move on to Jackie Chan!

Sun Tzu, I'll be picking apart your Wu with my method, man!

The seminal general isn't so tough on the mic; all your men must be like, "Yo, what happened?"

You're pitiful lyrically. Lucky for history, you didn't author The Art of Rapping!

The Eastern Philosophers:

Bitch, I wrote The Art of War, so you better get your guns out!

These white boys getting burned 'cause guess what? Now, the Sun's out!

Asians spitting sick, but no, this isn't SARS!

Laozi, kick the beat; now Confucius, drop some bars!

Let me be Candide with you, Voltaire,

French drip with the egg noodle hair.

Your ego's just so distracting.

Free speech doesn't mean just keep yapping!

And you killed God, so I gotta ask:

Did he die of shame when he made your mustache?

You tried to plant a new German psyche,

But you just grew hate; me no Third Reichy!

And it all starts with you: you're the father, Socrates!

Honestly, I think you owe both of your students here an apology!

The Western Philosophers:

I wouldn't exactly call myself a student of this plebe.

Don't make Nietzsche come over and put a knee up in your chi!

'Cause I'm N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E,

And I'll end any motherfucker like my name in a spelling bee!

Plebe, bitch? I'm toxic like a hemlock sip!

Hang a sandal on the door 'cause you can suck Soc's dick!

Sacré bleu, Socrates! You're making things a little tense!

Come, let's blind these Chinese heinies with some shiny bright enlightenment!

I'll not be taught camaraderie from a frog who rigged the lottery!

You make a mockery of ethics, so keep your fat nose in your coffee!

Let me be frank: don't start beef with the Frank,

Who hangs with B. Franks, giving ladies beef franks!

The Eastern Philosophers:

I have turned them on themselves. Their chaos is our opportunity!

We must remember: a bowl is most useful when it is empty.

(Ugh!) Laozi, I don't mean no disrespect,

But you need to fill your bowl with some shit that makes some sense!

Oh, you don't wanna stand in the path of Lao Tzu today.

I'll make you move, bitch. Get out the way!

Yo, where in the tradition of rap battles is it written

That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some clucking chickens?

Man, Confucius, you always try to put something in its place.

Why don't you tell your eyebrows they need to fit better on your face?

Okay, I see. You wanna make it like that?

I'll smack that warmongering head out of your to-go box hat!

So here's the real golden rule: I'm way above you weak rookies!

Confucius say, you can all hold these fortune cookies!

Scrapped lyrics

The Western Philosophers:

I'll check in first, 'cause I'm the best Western.

Like, how did these boring geeks from the Far East get invited?

Well, I hope they can speak their minds better than they can write it!

Oh, I'm delighted by their writing; such charming little thoughts

From such charming simple little men in charming little smocks!

What a fearsome trio! Yes, but what does it all mean?

It means the fate of these ancients is about to be seen!

We got the logical means to philosophically dominate your rhetoric

And get it boiled down to its essentials till it's evident!

The Eastern Philosophers:

And you'll never hold a candle to the wisdom we've given!

The Western Philosophers:

But first I'll squat down and drop a Dao of Pooh on Lao Tzu!

And call me Übermensch 'cause I'm so driven!

I'm Voltaire; I'm fucking fabulous, bitch!


Motherfucking French, bitch!

I'm Voltaire; motherfucking French, bitch!

That covers the Yin and Yang twins; now it's on to Jackie Chan!

I'll Chang your Wu with my Method, Man!

You're supposed to be the tough one, dude, what happened?

History's lucky that you didn't write The Art of Rapping!

Wise guys from the East are supposed to be the best,

But we've seen more flavor in a Panda Express!

Our philosophy flourishes! Western culture has ascended!

While even your descendants seem a bit dis-oriented!

The Eastern Philosophers:

Hey man, I'm Lao Tzu. You ain't gotta talk like that to me.

I'll fuck you up like the Tao Te Ching, G.

You egg noodle hair, what are you doing with your egg noodle hair?

You egg noodle hair, what are you doing with your egg noodle hair?

Nietzsche, you're the one who killed God, so I gotta ask:

Do you think he died of embarrassment after he made your fucking mustache?

Tried to plant seeds of a new German psyche,

But you grew a bunch of racists, bro; me no Third Reichy!

(???) your followers stem right from the source.

Confucius say never trust a dude who Crazy Horse.

All your self-righteous Western philosophy has gotten us

Is a world full of debauchery, guillotines and fucking swastikas!

The Western Philosophers:

That's N-I-T-Z-C-H-E!

Ooh, is this going to be like one of your schoolboy lessons?

Oh, do teach the Prussian what the Greeks consider wrestling!

Why don't you keep your fat French nose in your coffee?

The most impressive thing you ever did was rip off your own lottery!

Who hangs out with B. Franks, giving the chicks beef franks!

The Eastern Philosophers:

I have turned them on ourselves. This chaos is our opportunity!

Bro, enough with the riddles; I don't mean no disrespect!

That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some fucking chickens?

Confucius, if you always wanna try to put something in its place,

Oh! You wanna make it like that?

I'll smack your warmongering ass out of your to-go box hat!

You couldn't measure my style with a Golden Ruler!

If you fucked with Confucius, you get fucked with unto ya!

The Western Philosophers:

Sacré bleu, I'm the one you'll kowtow to,

When I squat down and drop a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu!

When I squat down and drop a Tao of Pooh on who?

Lao Tzu!

You're pitiful lyrically. Lucky for history, you didn't write The Art of Rapping!

The Eastern Philosophers:

(Uh!) Cute verse. Now watch the masters rebut.

Lao Tzu, drop a beat; Confucius, show these fools what's up!

Free speech don't mean that you must keep yapping.

The Western Philosophers:

You make a mockery of ethics, so keep your nose inside your coffee!

The Eastern Philosophers:

In the midst of this chaos lies our opportunity!

But remember a bowl is useful when empty.

See, I have turned them on themselves. Their chaos' our opportunity!

(Yo!) Lao Tzu, I don't mean to show you disrespect,




  • On the music streaming platforms, the battle is titled "Philosophers East vs West".
  • At a total time of 4:20, this is the sixth-longest video to date, and the fourth-longest rap battle, with an overall rapping time of 3:26.
  • This battle features a preview of Shaka Zulu and the Zulu Warriors in the end slate.
    • This is the sixth battle to reveal characters of an upcoming battle in an end slate.
  • The punchline at the end of the video is emphasized on the "Who Won? Who's Next? You Decide!" sequence instead of the regular outro.
    • This is the fourth battle to do so.
      • On this note, this is the first battle to have a different variation of "Who Won? Who's Next?", instead being replaced by "What is Winning? Who is Next?".
  • This is the first battle to not feature the opponents standing side by side during the end slate, as it switches from the Western Philosophers to the Eastern Philosophers.
    • However, the opponents are standing side by side when the announcer says, "Epic—", before shouting, "Quiet!"
  • This battle features the most amount of individual rappers rapping against one another, at a total of six.
  • This is the first battle where the locations are shown to be separated in three-dimension.
    • This is the third battle where the locations are not separated with a straight line.
  • This is the first battle where a team disbands partway through.
  • This is the first team battle to not feature fictional characters.
  • This battle has the most non-fictional rappers, at six.
  • On August 22, 2016, Confucius' quote, "It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop," was written in the description, followed by the sentence "Season 5.5 will be with you shortly."
    • After the release of Donald Trump vs Hillary Clinton, the quote was changed to, "It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop. A new ERB will be with you shortly."
  • This is the first battle where a character portrayed by Nice Peter and a character portrayed by Zach Sherwin are on the same team.
  • This is Nice Peter's favorite battle, as mentioned in a video uploaded on February 16th, 2019 on the ERB2 channel.[1]


  • A demo of the battle can be accessed on the ERB Patreon.[2]
  • This is the first battle where a rapper creates his own beat, which in this case, is through beatboxing.
    • This is the fifth battle to have additional music added in created by the ERB crew.


  • After Artists vs TMNT with eight cards, this battle has the second most number of title cards at six.
    • This is also the second team battle where each team member was introduced individually.
  • This is the second battle to feature two guests (excluding pairs of guests who are already established duos) who had previously appeared in the same battle, as Zach Sherwin and KRNFX both appeared in Ghostbusters vs Mythbusters.


  • In Voltaire's title card, he is seen doing the "West Side" hand gesture, in reference to Western Philosophy and West Coast "gangsters" in the U.S., who largely helped spread the influence of rap.


  • During some points in the battle—Most notably at during 3:18, MC Jin's tattoo is clearly visible on his neck.
  • Confucius has a ponytail, which is incorrect, as only the Chinese in the Qing Dynasty would have them, while Confucius was from the Zhou Dynasty.
  • At 0:18, Socrates is glitched into the ground.
    • During this timestamp, Socrates briefly has has clothing on his right-arm despite it not being there in the shots before and after this.
  • During the line, "…our type of mental brethren," Nietzsche's mouth is not moving despite being heard in the audio.
  • At 2:58, Lao Tzu's arm is seen around Sun Tzu's shoulder, but in the previous shot, it isn't.
  • Sun Tzu mispronounces "Laozi" as lao-zee, when the correct pronunciation is lao-zer, due to discrepancies between Korean/Japanese and Mandarin.
  • During the "What is winning? Who is next? You decide!" sequence, the audio of the Western Philosophers' argument is focused in the right speaker, while the audio of the Eastern Philosophers' argument is focused in the left speaker, despite the Western Philosophers being shown on the left side of the screen and the Eastern Philosophers being shown on the right side of the screen.

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