Epic Rap Battles of History Wiki
George R. R. Martin
George R. R. Martin Title Card.png
EpicLLOYD as George R. R. Martin
Character information
Birth name George Raymond Martin
Nickname(s) George R. R. Martin
The American Tolkien
Born September 20, 1948 (age 73)
Bayonne, New Jersey
Physical description
Hair Gray
Eyes Blue
Based on
George R. R. Martin Based On.png
Rap battle information
Appeared in J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin
Vs J. R. R. Tolkien
Release date May 2, 2016
Official vote(s) TBA
Location(s) The Great Hall
The Somme
HBO logo
My readers fall in love with every character I've written!
— George R. R. Martin

George R. R. Martin battled J. R. R. Tolkien in J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin. He was portrayed by EpicLLOYD.

Information on the rapper

George Raymond Richard Martin, better known simply as George R. R. Martin, was born on September 20th, 1948, in Bayonne, New Jersey. He is the author of the critically acclaimed fantasy novel series A Song of Ice and Fire, the basis for the popular HBO television show Game of Thrones.


[Note: George R. R. Martin is in light blue, while Jon Snow is in regular text.]

Verse 1:

Brace yourself!

Gather up your trolls and your soldier elves,

And your Ents and your Orcs, and your Wargs and your Stings,

Your dwarves and Glamdrings, 'cause there's a new literary Lord in the Ring!

My readers fall in love with every character I've written!

Then I kill 'em! (Ahhh!) And they're like, "No, he didn't!"

All your bad guys die and your good guys survive!

We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five!

Tell your all-seeing eye to find some sex in your movies!

(Yeah!) Ditch the Goonie and cast a couple boobies!

There's edgier plots in that David the Gnome!

Your hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne!

Verse 2:

I conscientiously object to what you're doing on these beats.

I'll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast!

You went too deep, Professor Tweed-pants!

We don't need the backstory on every fucking tree branch!

Verse 3:

Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke!

My show's the hottest thing on HBO!

I'm rock and roll; you're a nerdy little nebbish,

And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy-foot fetish, dog!

Even the names of your characters suck:

You got Boffers and Bofurs and Brandybucks!

I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks!

Lift up my gut and tea-Baggins my nuts!

Scrapped lyrics

I was pushing boundaries and taking chances!

You were daydreaming, squatting in the trenches!

You should've made like Hodor: obeyed your orders!

Spend less time on Mordor and more on the mortars!

Bilbo's a dildo; my imp's a pimp!

You're a bigger wooden stiff than Gandalf's staff!

You gave us abstinence and Gary Gygax!

Fantasy movies need violence and boobies,

Not folk songs and washed-up kids from The Goonies!