Epic Rap Battles of History Wiki
J. R. R. Tolkien
J. R. R. Tolkien Title Card.png
Nice Peter as J. R. R. Tolkien
Character information
Birth name John Ronald Reuel Tolkien
Nickname(s) J. R. R. Tolkien
Born January 3, 1892
Bloemfontein, South Africa
Died September 2, 1973 (aged 81)
Bournemouth, United Kingdom
Physical description
Hair Gray
Eyes Blue
Based on
J. R. R. Tolkien Based On.png
Rap battle information
Appeared in J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin
Vs George R. R. Martin
Release date May 2, 2016
Official vote(s) N/A
Location(s) The Black Gate of Mordor
The Somme
A black background
Every time I battle, it's Return of the King!
— J. R. R. Tolkien

J. R. R. Tolkien battled George R. R. Martin in J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin. He was portrayed by Nice Peter.

Information on the rapper

John Ronald Reuel Tolkien CBE FRSL, better known simply as J. R. R. Tolkien, was born on January 3rd, 1892, in Bloemfontein, South Africa. He was an English writer, poet, philologist, and university professor who was the author of several books taking place in the world of Middle-earth, most famously in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. His works are widely regarded as some of the most well-known amongst the fantasy genre and has led him to be considered to be the father of modern fantasy literature, or high fantasy. He died at the age of 81 on September 2nd, 1973, in Bournemouth, United Kingdom.


Verse 1:

Kings, Queens, dragons, dwarves,

Horses, fortresses, magic, and swords!

You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack!

You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq!

In book sales, you've got nothing to say!

I'm number one and two! You're under Fifty Shades of Grey!

I got the prose of a pro! Your shit's sub-par!

You're a pirate! You even stole my "R. R."!

(Oh!) We all know the world is full of chance and anarchy,

So, yes, it's true to life for characters to die randomly,

But news flash: the genre's called fantasy!

It's meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee!

Verse 2:

I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme!

You LARPed your Santa Claus-ass through Vietnam!

And it's hard for me to take criticism on clothes

From a dude who sends a raven to say "hi" to his toes!

Verse 3:

C. S. Lewis and I were just discussing

How you and Jon Snow…both know nothing!

Because the backstory of my box office is billions!

Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions!

And I'm more rock and roll than you've ever been!

Don't believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin!

You can't reach this fellow! Shit, I'm too Towering!

(Ooh!) Every time I battle, it's Return of the King!

Scrapped lyrics

You're the biggest ripoff I've seen!

You stole my plot lines, monsters, and even Sean Bean!


  • Tolkien is the third rapper whose work is portrayed in another ERB, after William Shakespeare and Stanley Kubrick.
    • He is the second rapper to have their work appear before them, after Kubrick.
  • He is the fourth rapper whose head is not turned towards the camera in their respective cover art, after Alfred Hitchcock, the Terminator, and RoboCop.
  • During his title card, Tolkien was seen invisible for half of the sequence. Upon his sudden appearance, he can be seen taking a ring off his finger. This references the One Ring, the central plot element of The Lord of the Rings series, which has the power to endow the wearer with invisibility.