J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin. Epic Rap Battles of History. Season 5
J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin is the fifty-ninth installment of and the first episode of Epic Rap Battles of History Season 5. It features A Song of Ice and Fire author, George R. R. Martin, rapping against The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit author, J. R. R. Tolkien. It was released May 2nd, 2016.
Rappers Nice Peter as J. R. R. Tolkien
EpicLLOYD as George R. R. Martin
Ceciley Jenkins as Daenerys Targaryen
Ricky Mammone as Hodor
Rudy Fermin as Jon Snow
Joey Greer as a human warrior and an Orc
Sulai Lopez and Shaun Lewin as High Elves
Dante Cimadamore as Led Zeppelin
The Eye of Sauron (animation)
Note: George R. R. Martin is in ]
light blue, J. R. R. Tolkien is in brown, and Jon Snow is in dark gray.
George R. R. Martin: Brace yourself!
Gather up your trolls and your
, soldier elves And your Ents and your
, and your Wargs and your Stings, Orcs Your dwarves and Glamdrings, 'cause there's a new literary Lord in the Ring!
My readers fall in love with every character I've written!
Then I kill 'em! (Ahhh!) And they're like, "No, he didn't!"
All your bad guys die and your good guys survive!
We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five!
to find some sex in your movies! all-seeing eye (Yeah!) Ditch the
and cast a couple boobies! Goonie There's edgier plots in that
David the Gnome!
Your hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne!
J. R. R. Tolkien: Kings, Queens, dragons, dwarves,
Horses, fortresses, magic, and swords!
You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack!
You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq!
In book sales, you've got nothing to say!
I'm number one and two! You're under
Fifty Shades of Grey! I got the prose of a pro! Your shit's sub-par!
You're a pirate! You even stole my "R. R."!
(Oh!) We all know the world is full of chance and anarchy,
So, yes, it's true to life for characters to die randomly,
But news flash: the genre's called fantasy!
It's meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee!
George R. R. Martin: I conscientiously object to what you're doing on these beats.
I'll cut you like my teeth on
Beauty and the Beast! You went too deep, Professor Tweed-pants!
We don't need the backstory on every fucking tree branch!
J. R. R. Tolkien: I cut my teeth in the trenches of the
! Somme You LARPed your
-ass through Vietnam! Santa Claus And it's hard for me to take criticism on clothes
From a dude who sends a raven to say "hi" to his toes!
George R. R. Martin: Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke!
My show's the hottest thing on HBO!
I'm rock and roll; you're a nerdy little nebbish,
And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy-foot fetish, dog!
Even the names of your characters suck:
You got Boffers and Bofurs and Brandybucks!
I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks!
Lift up my gut and tea-Baggins my nuts!
J. R. R. Tolkien: C. S. Lewis and I were just discussing
How you and
…both know nothing! Jon Snow Because the backstory of my box office is billions!
Got my children making millions off my
Silmarillions! And I'm more rock and roll than you've ever been!
Don't believe me? Ask
! Led Zeppelin You can't reach this fellow! Shit, I'm too Towering!
(Ooh!) Every time I battle, it's
Return of the King!
George R. R. Martin: I was pushing boundaries and taking chances!
You were daydreaming, squatting in the trenches!
You should've made like
: obeyed your orders! Hodor
Spend less time on Mordor and more on the mortars!
Bilbo's a dildo; my imp's a pimp!
You're a bigger wooden stiff than
's staff! Gandalf
You gave us abstinence and Gary Gygax!
Fantasy movies need violence and boobies,
Not folk songs and washed-up kids from
J. R. R. Tolkien: You're the biggest ripoff I've seen!
You stole my plot lines, monsters, and even Sean Bean!
Many of this battle's cameos were filmed on the same day as James Bond vs Austin Powers, according to EpicLLOYD in the main behind the scenes for that battle.
The cover art for this battle is the first one to have the rappers in front of the "VS", instead of behind it.
During J. R. R. Tolkien's title card, the version of him closest to the camera is invisible for half of the sequence. When he suddenly appears, he can be seen taking a ring off his finger. This is a reference to the One Ring, the central plot element of The Lord of the Rings series, which has the power to endow the wearer with invisibility.
Ceciley Jenkins' name is misspelled in the credits of the behind the scenes video as "Cecily Jenkins".
Jon Snow can be seen on his back in the background during the line, "Your bad guys die and your good guys survive!", but disappears during the line, "Ditch the Goonie, and cast a couple boobies!", before reappearing during the line, "Your hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne!"
Multiple candle flames are seen bugging out in the Great Hall, most noticeably the middle and right flames during the line, "We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five!".
J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin - Behind the Scenes of Epic Rap Battles of History
J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin - Behind the Scenes of Epic Rap Battles of History pt. 2