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John Wick vs John Rambo vs John McClane
John Wick vs John Rambo vs John McClane.png
Battle information
Release date December 18, 2021
Number 85
Views 3,000,000+ (as of January 7)
Length 4:25
Timeline
Previous Jeff Bezos vs Mansa Musa
Next Epic Rap Battles of History 86
Beat Information
Beat(s) Battle Cry
BPM 90
Beat producer(s) 2Deep and Nice Peter
Other information
Actors Nice Peter
EpicLLOYD
Zach Sherwin
Josh Best
Rappers John McClane in Battle.pngJohn Wick in Battle.pngJohn Rambo in Battle.png
Cameos Sam Trautman
Location(s) An under construction warehouse
Nakatomi Plaza
A Vietnamese jungle

John Wick vs John Rambo vs John McClane is the eighty-fifth installment of Epic Rap Battles of History. It is unconfirmed whether this battle is the second or third episode of Season 7. It features the titular hitman protagonist of the John Wick movie series, John Wick, rapping against the titular soldier protagonist of the Rambo movie series, John Rambo, rapping against the cop protagonist of the Die Hard movie series, John McClane. It was released on December 18th, 2021.

Cast

Rappers

Zach Sherwin as John Wick

Nice Peter as John Rambo

EpicLLOYD as John McClane

Cameos

Josh Best as Sam Trautman

Lyrics

[Note: John McClane is in blue, John Wick is in purple, John Rambo is in red and Sam Trautman is in green.]

Prologue:

All right, I guess I'll be the one to draw First Blood.

Or maybe you could draw an audience to see any of your new movies.

Come out to the coast; we'll have a few laughs. Sounds sweet!

But no, I'm stuck here with these two jerkweeds,

About to kick their ass with bare feet! Argyle, drop the beat!

John McClane:

I'll set it off like the top of Nakatomi!

Need a fire hose to swing on you; you're both so below me!

I haven't stopped killing it since Karl's brother, Tony,

And I got your detonators right here, blow me! (Oops!)

Ship your booby traps home, Rambo,

'Cause you'll never take the W without the P and O!

Does your lip hang low? Does it wobble to and fro?

Can you string that shit up on your compound bow?

And lighten up, Wick, with your brooding saga.

How about a little hakuna matata, Baba Yaga?

You got the trousers tapered and the watch, Bucherer,

But your acting falls flatter than the Hans Gruber!

Leave the underground coin game to Mario Brothers.

And John, Bubbe, what the fuck's with the chest butter?

That bandolier looks heavy as shit!

I'm like this prick's ring finger: only need one clip!

C'mon! I been sharp as shattered glass since the late '80s,

And like your late pup, I'll leave you pushing up daisies!

Less is more, boys; that's my advice!

You, less survival knife; you, more survival wife!

John Wick:

…Ooh.

I'm gonna need a dinner reservation for two.

John Wick, I'm efficient and lean.

A proficient, professional killing machine!

Underworld overachiever looking dapper as I'm bucking.

Only one of us to go three chapters without sucking.

Between your elevator and the mine where you were trapped,

You're such weiners, I should call you both John Shaft.

I craft rhymes with pencils, then jam 'em in necks,

So I'm not vexed by vets flexing 'roid-injected pecs!

Being excommunicado wasn't more than I could handle,

So I think I can withstand an excremental ex-commando!

And this sad, broken dad-joking popo is no foe

For the hurt-you-oh-so-bad virtuoso!

Ho ho ho to quivers and bows. I'm delivering blows,

And when they land, it won't help to make fists with your toes!

Bitcoin? No. Hitcoin? Certainly.

I'll put you two in tombs, call it cryptocurrency.

Obey your superior like good cops and soldiers.

Raven, Roy, you're done. Over.

John Rambo:

Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don't turn it off!

Unless... it's one of your movies. In which case… I just turn it off! Huh!

When I rip off my shirt and start swinging my stick swords,

I'm hotter than the suicide girls on your switchboards!

My headband's red, but I've got no love for commies!

And no juice was used to produce these armies!

Your High Table rules don't apply to this conflict!

I'll finish you right in the lobby! Mission accomplished!

McClane! South is where your marriage went!

The last tight thing you slid in was an air vent!

They used to say you were a handsome crusader.

Too bad your hairline couldn't be saved by Steve Urkel's neighbor. Oh!

I slip into the jungle, disappear like a ghost,

Then ding! I pop up hot behind ya like toast!

I seek peace, but I'm packing Parabellum.

I was trained to be the very best soldier boy! Tell 'em!

I'll blast an RPG through NYPD's guts!

Simon Says you can PTSDeez nuts!

John McClane:

Jesus Christ, asshole! Whattaya doing?

This is not some Saturday morning cartoon for you to ruin!

John Rambo:

The only thing getting ruined is McClane family Christmas!

All your kids still have "decent dad" on their wishlist!

John McClane:

Whoa! Rambo's droppin' bombs in his flows!

Did your pals in the Taliban help you write those?

John Wick:

Those were mujahideen; there's a difference.

The Taliban formed in the '90s, when you fell off with a vengeance.

John McClane:

Hey! Who the fuck asked you, dog pound?

Why don't you go lock your mouth in a hole in the ground?

John Rambo:

Hole! Lock!! Arghhhhgh!!!

John Wick:

You're both a funeral suit away from presentable.

I'm thinking I'm back, and I'm thinking you're expendable!

John McClane:

You wanna Die Hard? Well, today's a good day!

Let's go, motherfuckers! Yippee-ki-yay!

Scrapped lyrics

John Rambo:

You think stepping on glass hurts, McClane?

Do a few tours in 'nam, then you can't complain!

Go home, little piggy, or get butchered by my knife!

I've already dealt with enough asshole cops in my life!

None of you could fit my shoes that is the power of Rambo!

Even Arnold failed to rip my shtick when he went Commando!

I'm Rocky and roll, best soldier you've ever seen!

My rhymes destroy you faster than an M16!

Trivia

General

Continuity

References

  • John McClane's pose on the cover is a reference to a Die Hard movie poster.
  • John McClane with a lighter in a vent is a reference to him navigating through one in the first Die Hard film.
  • Behind John McClane's back near the end of the battle, he hides a pistol using Christmas-decorated tape reading "Season Greetings" as a holster, referencing the end of Die Hard where he uses this method to pull out a pistol to shoot Hans Gruber and his henchman.

Errors

  • When the announcer says "VS" for the second time, the audio clips slightly.
  • During several points in John Rambo's verse, the body prosthetic that Nice Peter is wearing can be seen wrinkling around the neck and wrist. This is especially noticeable at 2:28 and 2:43.

Related videos

Epic Rap Battles of History

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