I am Henry the Eighth! King of England, Ireland, and Wales!
(King Henry begins the battle by comparing himself to Clinton. He announces his rule over much of United Kingdom, which at the time of his reign included territory that is part of modern-day France. He also defines himself by his distinguished lineage, being the eighth.)
You are a presidential candidate in a pantsuit who fails!
(Henry devalues Clinton by calling her out both on her inferior style of dress, being a Tudor who prided himself on dressing well, and deriding her for having failed as a presidential candidate, at the time against Barack Obama, in contrast to his success as a monarch.)
Girls don't belong in politics, too much stress!
(As someone who lived in the 16th century and had an opinion on women in politics from that time period, Henry believes that women were too weak to be involved in politics, and is such mocking Clinton for her political aspirations. He is saying that she lost to Obama as she is a woman and he is a man.)
You should stay at home and wash the stains out of another lady's dress!
(Henry believes that women should stay at home and do the housework while the men are out working. Henry refers to the literal mess of Bill Clinton's sex scandal, which was created by his semen being found on the dress of Monica Lewinsky, one of the women who reportedly had sexual relations with him.)
I tend to have separation issues with women.
(Henry is famous for his issues with his wives, two of whom he had executed for adultery, two more that he divorced for different reasons and another who died. He relates the fates of these women to the fate that Clinton will suffer in the battle. This is likely also a double entendre for the manner of the executions, as they were beheadings, where the head is separated from the body.)
It's like their heads are the Pope, and their necks the Church of England!
(Henry creates an analogy between the beheading of two of his wives, and his separation with the Catholic Church, here represented solely by the Pope, and the British people, where the national religion became the Church of England, of which Henry was the head of. There is also a link created between the two executed wives, and Catherine of Aragon, whom Henry established the Church of England to divorce, as the Pope would not approve it.)
Madam Secretary, hold my calls! I'm off for a walk!
(Henry plays upon Clinton's then title of Madam Secretary by asking her to "hold his calls", as if she were an executive secretary.)
'Cause no one's beat you this bad since a swarthy man named Barack!
(Henry compares his defeat of Clinton to her former defeat at the hands of the then-President, Barack Obama, whom he defines by his skin tone as per his time period.)
(Clinton laughs, thinking she will win, and wants to "get down to it", meaning to get it over with since she wants to finish the battle already.)
You done messed with the wrong Rodham. I'm about to Tudor and boot it!
(Clinton's maiden name is Rodham, and she tells King Henry not to challenge her. The term "Tudor" refers to the English royal dynasty who ruled between 1485 and 1603, which King Henry was a member of. It may also play on the word tutor, in which case she also says she will teach him a lesson. "Toot It and Boot It" is a 2010 rap song by YG about having sex with women, and then immediately "booting" them out of your house, which is something that King Henry VIII has been guilty of many times.)
You make more false accusations than Whitewater!
(Whitewater was a political controversy investigating into the real estate investments of Bill and Hillary Clinton and their associates. In the end, neither Bill Clinton nor Hillary Clinton were ever prosecuted.)
It's not your wives' fault your balls keep making daughters!
(Clinton calls out King Henry on how he has executed multiple of his wives for only birthing female children and not any males to serve as the heir to his throne, saying that it's his fault almost none of his children were male.)
Your country's the size of Ohio. You couldn't even beat Spain!
(Ohio has been one of the most important swing states in the U.S. during the 21st century, and it is one that Clinton won in the 2008 Democratic primaries. Ohio is the 34th largest state of the 50 states of the United States of America, therefore Clinton tells King Henry that his country, England, isn't very large compared to the USA, so his leadership of it is less impressive than Clinton being a Secretary of State of the USA. Spain was a major player in European politics at the time and was ruled by Charles V who was the nephew of Henry's first wife, Catherine of Aragon. Henry had a few wars with Francis I of France and often made alliances with Spain to fight them. Spain beat France in the Battle Of Pavia in 1525 without England's involvement and captured Francis. After Henry split from the Catholic Church to divorce Catherine, the Pope urged both France and Spain to wage war with England. Henry sided with Charles again in 1544 to battle Francis, but after the sucessful capture of Boulogne, Charles betrayed Henry and negotiated a truce with Francis. Hillary may be suggesting that Henry could not beat Spain in war which is why he always allies with them instead to fight France.)
I could defeat you with the grassroots email campaign!
(A grassroots campaign is a political movement driven by a community, in this case via email. Clinton also implemented grassroots email campaigns in 2008 and 2016, the latter of which was when she became a presidential candidate. Clinton says she could easily beat Henry using this method.)
I'd eat you alive, but I'd probably never finish.
(Clinton is depicted as an independent/powerful female icon, so she says she would be able to beat King Henry with ease. To "eat someone alive" in a figurative sense means to overwhelm or defeat someone, often inexperienced, thoroughly. Clinton thinks doing so in a literal sense will cause her to be unable to eat Henry entirely.)
You're so fat, your body could feed a whole freakin' village!
(Clinton continues to jab at Henry's weight, claiming that if he were to be eaten, his body could supply enough meat for an entire village.)
King Henry VIII:
I'm big because I'm God's appointed vessel!
(Henry retorts his weight is because God chose him to be king. Henry's creation and subsequent leadership of The Church of England gave him a messiah complex.)
The only way you could beat me is if maybe we wrestled!
(Henry thinks Hillary could only beat him in a wrestling match. In his youth, wrestling was one of Henry's favorite activities.)
I mean, come on! Is it any wonder why you can't keep your man at home?
(Henry claims the ancient "divine right of kings" and insults Clinton for not having been able to keep Bill Clinton interested, Bill having famously cheated on her with Monica Lewinsky. Henry uses this as a setup for the next line.)
The only thing getting blown is Bill's saxophone!
(Bill Clinton claimed that he only received oral sex from Lewinsky, and Henry asserts that this was because when Bill was at home with Clinton, the only thing getting blown was his saxophone, rather than his penis. Clinton was known for playing the saxophone, even doing so on live television during his campaign for President.)
You couldn't even handle the goods that I'm selling!
I'm more powerful than Oprah!
(Clinton compares herself to Oprah Winfrey, a TV presenter who is one of the most influential women in show business. Clinton thinks she is even stronger and more influential than Oprah.)
King Henry VIII:
And more handsome than Ellen!
(Ellen DeGeneres is a TV presenter as well. Ellen is also a lesbian with short hair. He is saying Hillary appears to be masculine. Coincidentally, both these people will appear in a later battle.)
Don't you interrupt me, you chauvinist prick!
(Clinton angrily tells Henry not to interrupt her when she is talking and calls him a chauvinist, alluding to his sexist views once again.)
You put the needs of your country behind the whims of your dick!
(Hillary scolds Henry because of his disregard for the economy and the needs of his people at the end of his reign. By that time, his desires were to finally have a heir son, not improve the state.)
I'll banish you back to your Tower of London, baby!
(Clinton threads Henry the eight to banish him to his Tower of London. Tower of London is one of the most famous and oldest buildings in London. During its long history it managed to be a fortress, a Palace, an Arsenal, a prison and a zoo, becoming one of the UK most legendary symbols. So Hillary just saying she will panish him to his motherland. During the reign of Henry, the Tower gained a reputation for sinister deeds, such as the beheading of Anne Boleyn and her brother for treason.)
You can tell them Henry VIII got spanked by the first lady! (Ha ha ha ha ha!)
(Clinton claims she defeated Henry by comparing their rank, saying Henry was eighth while she is the first.)