Lao Tzu
Lao Tzu Title Card
KRNFX as Lao Tzu
Character information
Birth name Li Er (李耳)
Nickname(s) Lao Tzu (老子)
Boyang (伯陽)
Lao Dan (老聃)
Old Sage
Born 571 BC
Henan, China
Died 531 BC (aged 40)
Physical description
Hair White
Eyes Brown
Based on
Lao Tzu Based On
Rap battle information
Appeared in Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers
Vs The Western Philosophers
Confucius (last verse)
Sun Tzu (last verse)
Release date July 6, 2015
Official vote(s) 62% (Old poll from ERB Website)
Location(s) Ancient China
We must remember: a bowl is most useful when it is empty.
— Lao Tzu

Lao Tzu, alongside Confucius and Sun Tzu, battled the Western Philosophers as a part of the Eastern Philosophers in Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers. He also turned against Confucius and Sun Tzu later on in the same battle. He was portrayed by KRNFX.

Information on the rapper

Lao Tzu was a philosopher and poet of the ancient Chinese period. He is best known as the reputed author of Tao Te Ching (道德經) and the founder of philosophical Taoism (also known as Daoism), but he is also revered as a deity in religious Taoism and traditional Chinese religions.

Although a legendary figure, Lao Tzu is usually believed to have lived around the 6th century BC and reckoned a contemporary of Confucius, but some historians contend that he actually lived during the Warring States period of the 5th or 4th century BC. A central figure in Chinese culture, Lao Tzu is claimed by both the emperors of the Tang dynasty and modern people of the Li surname as a founder of their lineage.

Throughout history, Lao Tzu's work has been embraced by various anti-authoritarian movements. He is often considered one of the most influential philosophers of all time.


[Note: Lao Tzu is in yellow, while Sun Tzu and Confucius are in regular text.]

Verse 1:

This type of arrogance is sure to be expected

From men who speak of wisdom with no clue of what respect is!

You Westerners are sloppy, needing discipline in life.

You lack control of yourselves and of the mic,

While we use precise strikes to disrupt your concentration!

Hand you an ass-whipping our descendants will honor for generations!

We filled a nation with patience and the presence for living,

And you'll never hold a candle to the wisdom we've written!

Verse 2:

Bitch, I wrote The Art of War, so you better get your guns out!

These white boys getting burned 'cause guess what? Now, the Sun's out!

Asians spitting sick, but no, this isn't SARS!

Laozi, kick the beat; now Confucius, drop some bars!

Let me be Candide with you, Voltaire,

French drip with the egg noodle hair.

Your ego's just so distracting.

Free speech doesn't mean just keep yapping!

And you killed God, so I gotta ask:

Did he die of shame when he made your mustache?

You tried to plant a new German psyche,

But you just grew hate; me no Third Reichy!

And it all starts with you: you're the father, Socrates!

Honestly, I think you owe both of your students here an apology!

Verse 3:

I have turned them on themselves. Their chaos is our opportunity!

We must remember: a bowl is most useful when it is empty.

(Ugh!) Laozi, I don't mean no disrespect,

But you need to fill your bowl with some shit that makes some sense!

Oh, you don't wanna stand in the path of Lao Tzu today.

I'll make you move, bitch. Get out the way!

Yo, where in the tradition of rap battles is it written

That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some clucking chickens?

Man, Confucius, you always try to put something in its place.

Why don't you tell your eyebrows they need to fit better on your face?

Okay, I see. You wanna make it like that?

I'll smack that warmongering head out of your to-go box hat!

So here's the real golden rule: I'm way above you weak rookies!

Confucius say, you can all hold these fortune cookies!

Scrapped lyrics

[Note: Lao Tzu is in yellow, while Confucius and Sun Tzu are in regular text, all three philosophers rapping together is in italics.]

And you'll never hold a candle to the wisdom we've given!

Hey man, I'm Lao Tzu. You ain't gotta talk like that to me.

I'll fuck you up like the Tao Te Ching, G.

You egg noodle hair, what are you doing with your egg noodle hair?

You egg noodle hair, what are you doing with your egg noodle hair?

Nietzsche, you're the one who killed God, so I gotta ask:

Do you think he died of embarrassment after he made your fucking mustache?

Tried to plant seeds of a new German psyche,

But you grew a bunch of racists, bro; me no Third Reichy!

Call yourself a (???) your followers stem right from the source.

Confucius say never trust a dude who Crazy Horse.

All your self-righteous Western philosophy has gotten us is

A world full of debauchery, guillotines and fucking swastikas!

In the midst of this chaos lies our opportunity!

But remember a bowl is useful when empty.


  • A preview of Lao Tzu was shown during the endslate of David Copperfield vs Harry Houdini.
  • He is the second rapper to create/provide a beat for their battle, after Darth Vader in Hitler vs Vader 2.
    • However, he is the first rapper to do so without the use of an artificial beat, as he produced it through beatboxing.
  • He is the third deity to rap, after Zeus and Thor.
  • He is the fourth titled team rapper to not rap at all during a verse, after Bonnie Parker, Juliet Capulet and Clyde Barrow.
  • He has the least solo lines out of all philosophers in the battle.


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