Indiana Jones:
Let's get this battle crackin', I'll leave you like your reboot: flattened!
(Indiana Jones calls on the rap battle with the word "crackin", which is also a reference to his trademark whip. In the 2013 Tomb Raider reboot, Lara is depicted younger and with a flatter chest. Jones claims he'll flatten her in this battle like the game did to her breasts.)
You used to be the queen of booby trappin', what happened?
(Jones continues to taunt Lara about her flatter chest in the reboot. He makes a pun about Lara's older breasts by calling her the "queen of booby trappin'", which also reference how both of them deal with booby traps on their adventures.)
You got too woke to be fun
("Woke" is a term used mainly by social conservatives to describe companies and individuals that they claim overzealously signal a support for progressive causes against things like sexism and racism. Jones thinks that Croft's flatter chest and changes in the reboot are a result of the developers "going woke.")
Now my Indianaconda don't want none
(Jones makes a portmanteau of his nickname and the phrase "my anaconda don't want none" from the Sir Mix-a-Lot song "Baby Got Back", which was sampled in the Nicki Minaj song "Anaconda". He is basically saying that he doesn't want to have sex with Croft.)
There's too many voices inside you.
(Unlike most video game and cartoon characters which tend to be voiced by the same voice actor/actress over a long period of time, Lara Croft has been voiced by several different voice actresses over the years (by contrast, Harrison Ford has played Indiana Jones in all five Indiana Jones films). Jones could also be saying that the fact that many women have voiced her indicates that Lara is schizophrenic, as hearing voices in one's head is also one of the symptoms and characteristics of schizophrenia.)
You burn through women quicker than I do!
(Throughout the first three Indiana Jones movies, Jones had relationships with three different women: Marion Ravenwood, Willie Scott, and Elsa Schneider. Jones claims that Croft burns faster through voice actresses than he does with his relationships, though in reality only three women voiced her in the original games. Croft also had a best friend in Samantha "Sam" Nishimura in the 2013 Tomb Raider game, who is yet to return for another game, and was also allegedly a scrapped love interest for Croft.)
I think you shoulda dropped Hollywood as an option
(Tomb Raider has been adapted into film three times. While they are more successful than other video game adaptations, the films themselves received mixed to negative reviews in contrast to the Indiana Jones films, which have been received generally positively.)
When even Angelina gave you up for adoption!
(Actress Angelina Jolie portrayed Lara Croft in two Tomb Raider films before the film series was rebooted and actress Alicia Vikander took over the role. Jolie also has three adopted children but despite this, Jones tells Croft she's so awful even Jolie didn't want to reprise the role, or, in other words, left her for "adoption".)
Let's cut to the Chase--oh wait, he died.
(Chase Carver is a character from the Tomb Raider comics. He is a fellow treasure hunter who had an on and off again relationship with Croft before he was eventually killed during one of their adventures.)
I guess you couldn't tap that X in time!
(Jones jokes about quick time events in video games, where the player has to press a button quickly during a sequence. Quick-time events have been featured frequently in the Tomb Raider series. Jones uses this analogy to joke about how Croft failed to save Chase. He also makes a pun on the X button and the word "ex", which is short for "ex-boyfriend". "To tap" is also a slang term meaning "to have sex with", giving the line two meanings.)
From the Bandicoot to your family's plane in ashes,
(Indiana is setting up his next line.)
Kid, you've got a tragic history with crashes!
(Croft's parents were killed in a plane crash in the Himalayas. Crash Bandicoot is a platforming video game series which, like Tomb Raider, was initially developed and released exclusively for the PlayStation. The Crash Bandicoot series sold so well that the character was considered the PlayStation brand's mascot in the late 90s, eclipsing Tomb Raider in popularity.)
The puzzle I'm trying to beat
(As an archaeologist, Jones regularly solves puzzles to locate artifacts. The Tomb Raider games are also filled with puzzles to solve.)
Is figuring out why you're dressed for the beach!
(Croft dresses up in nothing but a tank top and khaki shorts, which has been criticized as being wholly impractical for adventuring in the jungle.)
I've seen more class in the kids that I teach!
(When he is not adventuring, Jones works as a college professor. "Class" holds a double meaning, referring to style and learning. He could be referring to how his students have more style than Croft does.)
You can rise all you want, but I'm still out of reach!
(One of the more recent entries in Croft's series is called Rise of the Tomb Raider. Jones jokes about no matter how high Croft goes; he will always be above her.)
So go grab your relics and run, you verse me is sword verse gun.
(Jones is saying this is a one-sided battle favoring him, comparing it to his encounter with a swordsman in Cairo during Raiders of the Lost Ark, where instead of engaging the swordsman in a duel, Jones simply pulls out his revolver and shoots him dead. "So go grab your relics and run" is a reference to the Tomb Raider mobile game: Lara Croft: Relic Run. Because this is a one-sided battle, Jones tells Lara to retreat.)
Honey, just the first four notes of my theme exceed everything you've done!
("The Raiders March" is the theme song of the Indiana Jones films, composed by John Williams, and is one of the most famous musical pieces in film history. Jones says that just the opening to his theme is more famous than anything in the Tomb Raider series.)
Lara Croft:
Doctor Jones, you're no rival!
(Croft does not consider Jones as a serious threat.)
You've been getting owned since '"Give me the whip", "Throw me the idol"'!
(In the first scene of the first Indiana Jones movie, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Jones attempts to retrieve a golden idol from a booby-trapped temple in Peru. When he attempts to escape, he asks his guide, Satipo, to give him his whip, but Satipo convinces him to throw him the idol first. He does so, only to be betrayed by Satipo who attempts to run off with the idol and leave Jones to die. Croft is saying Jones has been getting owned since the start of his career.)
Indianaconda? For heaven's sake!
(Croft finds it baffling Jones would call his penis an "Indianaconda", especially considering...)
You'd shit those Dickies at a garter snake!
(...Jones has had ophidiophobia (fear of snakes) ever since he was a child and well into his adult years. Croft claims he would defecate his Dickies (a brand of pants Jones wears) if he caught a glimpse at a garter snake, which are known for being small and harmless.)
You stole your famous leather-daddy jacket and Stetson
(Croft calls Jones a ripoff saying that he "stole" his appearance from...)
From the cold, dead hands of Charlton Heston!
(...Charlton Heston because of the fact that Raiders of the Lost Ark was heavily inspired by the the 1954 adventure film, Secret of the Incas, which starred Heston as Harry Steele from whom Jones' outfit was also heavily inspired by. This is also a reference to Charlton Heston having served as the President of the National Rifle Association of America in which he popularized the gun rights slogan "I'll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands".)
Some ladies mistake you for brave and hunky,
(Jones has had several women develop a crush on him over the years, even his own students.)
But you're such a toxic date you could kill a little monkey! (Screech!)
(In Raiders of the Lost Ark, a Cairo spy used his pet monkey to follow Jones and Marion throughout the city. He later tries to kill Jones by serving him a dish of poisoned dates, but the monkey ends up eating them and dies. Croft thinks Jones is as toxic to his romantic interests as the dates were to the monkey. A monkey screeches in response.)
Marion was 15 when you raided her bones.
(Marion Ravenwood is Jones's love interest in Raiders of the Lost Ark. They started a relationship when she was 15 and he was ten years her senior. "Raided" is also a pun on Raiders of the Lost Ark, while this verse modifies the expression "to jump one's bones," meaning to have sex with a person.)
That's no time for love, Doctor Jones!
(As Jones was ten years older than Ravenwood when they started their relationship, that means he was dating a minor. Croft calls him out for seducing a minor, quoting his sidekick, Short Round, from Temple of Doom.)
This is one temple you'll never be exploring.
(Croft refers to her body as a temple and tells Jones he has no shot of getting together with her. The line may also reference Lara Croft and the Temple of Osiris, an entry from the Tomb Raider series released around 2012.)
You're not John Williams so you ain't scoring!
(John Williams is known for having composed the musical scores of some of the most popular films and franchises in history, including, Harry Potter, Superman, Dracula, Jurassic Park, Jaws, Star Wars, and of course Indiana Jones (the latter four of which were directed by Steven Spielberg). Lara makes a play on the word scoring (which can mean both composing a musical score and winning) and says that since Jones isn't Williams, he's neither, winning the battle nor sleeping with her. This is also a subtle callback to Jones' last line, as he shouldn't be taking credit for his theme song when someone else wrote it.)
Three decades in the game, and my fans still adore me!
(Tomb Raider debuted in 1996. Croft claims that despite going on for nearly 30 years, her series is still going strong.)
You tried alien skulls and chose poorly!
(In the fourth Indiana Jones film Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (which was the most recent at the time of the battle's release), the titular skulls turned out to belong to aliens. Compared to the first three Indiana Jones films, Crystal Skull was not as well-received. Croft points this fact out and uses it to claim that Jones' criticism of the Tomb Raider films is hypocritical since his most recent film was less well-received than the previous three (by contrast, despite mixed reviews, the most recent film in the Tomb Raider franchise, Tomb Raider (2018) was more well-received compared to the poor reception of the first two films). She is also quoting the line "He chose poorly" from The Last Crusade. In the film, Jones is in search of the Holy Grail (a chalice which Jesus Christ and his apostles supposedly drank from in the Last Supper and was subsequently used to collect Jesus' blood when he was crucified) among other fake grails. The Grail Knight, who guards the Holy Grail, says the line after Jones's adversary Walter Donovan chooses the wrong chalice as the Holy Grail, drinks from it, and decays to death. Incidentally, the final film in the Indiana Jones franchise, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (which was released eight months and five days after the battle), was the lowest reviewed of all Indiana Jones films. )
Your whole story got blown up on a sitcom:
(A criticism of Raiders of the Lost Ark that was popularized by its being mentioned by the character Amy Fowler in the sitcom The Big Bang Theory, is that Jones was irrelevant to the plot of Raiders of the Lost Ark, as the Nazis would have found the Ark of the Covenant, opened it, and been killed without his involvement anyway.)
There's a Big Bang that you can't hide in the fridge from!
(Croft follows up on her Big Bang Theory reference. In the fourth Indiana Jones film Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Jones accidentally wandered into a model town designed for an atomic bomb test. Right before the bomb went off, Jones hid in a refrigerator, which protected him from the blast. The scene was ridiculed as implausible by fans and critics alike. Picking up from the previous line, Lara says he won't be able to escape the revelation Big Bang Theory proposed as he escaped the atomic bomb blast.)
Hang up the whip before you crack a hip!
(Lara tells Jones and his actor Harrison Ford that the lackluster reception of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull means that they are both too old and should retire (Ford being 64 when said film was being shot and 66 at the time of its release). The phrase "crack a hip" is a wordplay on "crack a whip", referring to Jones's trademark whip as well as to back pain commonly associated with the elderly. )
I think even Mutt wants you to quit!
(Henry "Mutt" Williams, born Henry Jones III, is the son of Jones and Marion Ravenwood. Mutt first appeared in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, where he was introduced as a new sidekick to Jones. Croft is saying that, with Jones getting by in his elderly years, he is bound to retire so Mutt can replace him.)
Mutt Williams:
Just do it!
(A reference to a viral video in which actor Shia LaBeouf, who portrayed Mutt in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, does a rousing speech that contains the phrase, "JUST DO IT!" This memetic speech is repurposed into Mutt screaming at Jones to quit his adventuring.)
Lara Croft:
I kill dinosaurs for fun, what's another old geezer?
(In the original Tomb Raider game, Croft fought against a Tyrannosaurus rex. She claims Jones is ancient and old like the dinosaur she fought and will destroy him just the same.)
I'll lock this battle up like Winston in the freezer!
(Croft claims that she will win the battle outright, or "lock [it] up", before Jones can counterattack. Winston is the Croft family butler. In Tomb Raider II and III, players could lure him into the mansion's freezer and close the door on him.)
Indiana Jones:
Dinosaurs... belong... in a museum!
(Many museums around the world display the fossils of dinosaurs and other extinct prehistoric organisms, whether it be the real bones or just casts of them. In the opening to The Last Crusade, Jones fought a group of robbers that stole a golden crucifix that belonged to Francisco Vázquez de Coronado and repeatedly told them it belonged in a museum. Jones calls out Croft for fighting against dinosaurs for fun instead of finding ways to preserve them. This may also be a reference to Jones' actor, Harrison Ford, being an animal welfare activist.)
I've been served a full course meal of chilled Indian voodoo,
(In Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Jones and his gang were served a dinner which (unknowingly) included snakes, beetles, and chilled monkey brains by an evil Indian death cult. The cult also practiced voodoo tranquilism like when they made a voodoo doll of Jones. Jones is thus calling Lara's verse as terrible as the dinner that the death cult served him.)
And they don't even kill as many animals as you do!
(Picking up from the previous line, Jones says even the Thuggee kills less than Croft, even though they eat all sorts of animals in their meals.)
You're corrupting the youth. They should be outside,
(From the moment of their inception, many parents have complained that video games corrupt their children's minds and make them refuse to perform physical activity outdoors. This may also be a reference to the physical appearance of Lara's body, which Jones explains in the next line.)
Not trying to unload the barrels on your thighs!
(Continuing from the previous line, Jones suggests that youths are spending too much time firing Lara's signature pistols, stored in holsters on her thighs, and also masturbating, or "unloading their barrels," to her thighs.)
You might've ditched those pistols, akimbo,
(Croft was known for her dual-wielding pistols in the original series, but they were not featured in the 2013 reboot. Jones also calls her an akimbo which has two meanings that apply to her. One is that it references dual wielding, like Croft did with her pistols he just mentioned. Akimbo also refers to someone placing their hands on their hips and pointing their elbows outwards, a pose Croft frequently does in promotional material.)
But you're still the same rich back-flipping bimbo,
(Jones says that even with the changes made to Croft over the years, she's still a rich, dumb athletic woman.)
A brat with a treasure map to catastrophe,
(Jones calls Croft a young spoiled girl and claims that every time she goes on adventure, disaster follows her and the people close to her.)
Stuffing your knapsack with innocent casualties!
(Jones claims that many innocent lives have been lost as a result of Croft's adventures. Croft has been known to carry her sundry inventories in a knapsack, otherwise known as a backpack. Adventure and role-playing games like Tomb Raider typically dedicate a buffer of memory to any items that the player can collect for future use.)
Square Enix didn't want you anymore!
(In 2009, Eidos Interactive, the publisher of Tomb Raider and then-owner of Crystal Dynamics, was bought by Japanese role-playing game developer Square Enix (known for Final Fantasy, Dragon Quest, Octopath Traveler, and other story-driven games) for US$96 million, with the studio merging into what is now Square Enix Europe. In May 2022 (the year the battle was released), Square Enix sold off Crystal Dynamics and other parts of their European department for US$300 million to media company Embracer Group (owners of THQ Nordic, Dark Horse Comics, and Middle-earth Enterprises), which was finalized on August of that year.)
That's why they dropped you like a J in the floor!
(In The Last Crusade, Jones had to solve a word puzzle on one of the three traps to make it to the Holy Grail. He had to step on a series of letters that spelled out God's name, "Jehovah". However, since in the original Latin alphabet the letter J did not exist and it was originally derived from the letter I, the name Jehovah would have begun with an I in the original Latin alphabet, so when Jones attempts to step on the J, it crumbles, and he nearly falls to his death. Jones claims that Square Enix dropped Croft's franchise like the J in the puzzle he solved. Square Enix is reported to have sold Tomb Raider and other smaller properties in order to shore up its core franchises as well as to focus on its mobile assets.)
When they designed your core, you ripped my style,
(Indiana Jones claims to Lara Croft that she is a rip-off of him due to them being adventurers/archaeologists (which Lucasfilm had also believed, as a Lego crossover game between the two was canceled due to this). "Core" refers to Core Design, the creators and first developer of the Tomb Raider series, up until Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness. Jones and Croft are both rather muscular, so "core" might also refer to their strong abs.)
And jiggled in a bit of Girls Polygone Wild!
(Girls Gone Wild is a pornographic entertainment franchise created in the 90s. Tomb Raider debuted on the Playstation, which was known for its 3D, polygonal graphics. Jones claims that Croft's series is just like his but with more sex appeal and jiggle physics.
You took 3D to uncharted territory,
(Jones discusses how Croft's series was very influential for 3D games at the time; however...)
Now you're just in Uncharted's territory
(...the Uncharted series developed by Naughty Dog (who has also developed the early Crash Bandicoot games) and published by Sony Interactive Entertainment, which features a similar premise to the Tomb Raider games, have since eclipsed Tomb Raider in popularity.)
Overshadowed by Drake like Lil Wayne!
(Nathan Drake is the protagonist of the aforementioned Uncharted games. Jones compares Drake's overshadowing of Croft to the rapper, Drake, overshadowing fellow rapper Lil Wayne specifically during the 2014 rap battle tour of "Drake vs. Lil Wayne" in which Drake won 15-10 battles against Wayne.)
Somebody needs to make a tomb for your whole game!
(Taking another dig at Croft's franchise Tomb Raider, Jones says her game series is dead and irrelevant and that it should be buried.)
Lara Croft:
If you wanna talk games, stick to Sorry
(Sorry!, initially marketed by Parker Brothers, is a board game derived from Parchisi in which players race from start to finish. If two opposing players meet on the same space, the player bumped must move back to start, with the bumping player calling "Sorry!". Croft is once again calling Jones too old to battle her, saying board games like Sorry! would be more his style. This could also be a reference to how, in the first, second, and fourth Indiana Jones movies, Jones spends significant time apologizing to women for leaving them, which would give the line two meanings.)
That verse was worse than your crap on Atari
(In 1982, a game adaptation for Raiders of the Lost Ark was released on the Atari 2600 game console. The game was poorly received. Taken together with the numerous bad adaptations and lower-quality titles as proliferated in the Atari era, Raiders may have been among the catalysts of the market crash that nearly shuttered the entire video game industry by 1983.)
Aww, Fedora the Explorer thinks he's tough
("Fedora the Explorer" is a wordplay reference to both Jones's fedora hat and Dora the Explorer, a childrens' cartoon focusing on the titular 7-year old adventurer. Croft downplays Jones by comparing him to a character marketed to small children like Dora.)
You must've gotten dragged behind too many trucks
(In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Jones fights over the Ark of the Covenant with a group of Nazi soldiers on a moving truck. One soldier throws Jones off the truck and Jones, in an attempt to not lose the Ark, ties his whip to the truck's tail, getting dragged behind.)
So strap some blocks on Short Round and pump the brakes
(Short Round is the name of Indiana's child sidekick in the second Indiana Jones movie. At the start of the movie, Short Round drives a car to save Jones and Willie Scott from mobsters in Shanghai. Because of his height, he had to strap blocks to the bottom of his feet to reach the brake pedal.)
The only overshadowed thing is that face
(Croft takes a jab at Jones' previous comment about how Nathan Drake overshadows her and applies it towards his 5 o'clock shadow and/or how Jones' hat casts a shadow over his face.)
I'm whipping you so bad I should get flagged for cheating
(Croft claims she is winning by such a wide margin that she may as well be cheating. In online gaming, activity that could be seen as giving the player an unfair advantage may result in a flag on their screen name/profile; if the questionable behavior continues, the cheater may be expelled from the game. "Whipping" is a pun on Jones's iconic whip.)
Like Mola Ram with a heart, Indy's taking a beating!
(Mola Ram is the head priest of an Indian death cult and the main villain of the second Indiana Jones film "Temple of Doom". The cult practices human sacrifices, during which Mola Ram would rip out the hearts of the sacrifice victims with his bare hands. The phrase "taking a beating" refers to taking a beating heart like Mola Ram and Indiana Jones being beaten by Lara in the rap battle.)
I'm the first wet dream gamers ever had
(Croft acknowledges that many young gamers thought she was attractive and developed crushes on her.)
You're a Halloween costume for out-of-shape dads
(With Jones' franchise being older, Croft makes fun of his status of being primarily appreciated by older, unattractive film nerds.)
Oop! My bad, your dad was never present
(Jones had a distant relationship with his father, Henry Jones Sr. Croft is sarcastically apologizing for comparing Jones to "out-of-shape dads" in the previous line.)
At best, the affection you got was sloppy seconds (ew)
(Throughout The Last Crusade, Indiana Jones had a romance with Elsa Schneider including sleeping with her later in the film. When he finds Henry Jones Sr. however, he reveals that he also had an affair with Elsa beforehand. “Sloppy seconds” is a sexual slang term for a man having sex with a woman after another man has already ejaculated inside her. Croft points out that the closest to love he'll get is "sloppy seconds" being second to Elsa who was with Sr. and therefore second love to him as well then Croft reveals her disgust to this.)
You ditched your sidekick, never met your own kid
(Croft calls Jones out for leaving Short Round and not knowing he had a son until Mutt was nearly an adult.)
Cause his mum cut you off like a rope bridge
(In the final battle of Temple of Doom, Jones is on a rope bridge surrounded by his enemies trying to kill him. As a last resort, he cuts the rope bridge with a sword. Croft calls Jones out Jones for previously not knowing about his son because Mutt's mother, Marion, cut Jones out of her life.)
You're a dog, Indiana, that's facts
(Due to his distant relationship with Henry Sr. and not wanting to be associated with him, Jones adopted the alias "Indiana" from his beloved childhood dog and used it for most of his adult life. Out-of-universe, he is also named after George Lucas' dog. His son is nicknamed "Mutt", which is another term for dog. A dog, in slang, is someone who is not loyal to romantic partners; this line calls back to prior ones about Indiana's many partners whom he abandons quickly.)
The only thing you're loyal to's a hat, no cap!
(Continuing from the last line, Croft continues the dog analogy with Jones by claiming him to be loyal, as dogs often are. In the films, Jones's most prized possession is his hat, and he is frequently shown saving his hat among others in scenes. She ends the verse by saying, "No cap", a slang term for "no lie", and making a pun about caps being a type of hat.)
Your face straight melted and you lost that smolder
(The first movie's climax involved the Nazis, especially Toht, having their faced melted by the Ark of the Covenant. Croft claims that as Jones got older, he lost the looks that made him popular with the ladies.)
So make like a boulder and roll your arse over!
(Croft alludes to the iconic boulder scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark, where Jones is pursued by a boulder in order to escape an ancient temple. Rolling over is a common dog trick, continuing her dog analogy.)
Cause Junior the baby boomer beating me at rapping?
(Jones' real name is Henry Walton Jones, Jr. (Jr. indicating that he shared his name with his father). Baby boomer refers to the older generation born between 1946 to 1964 (though ironically, Jones was born much earlier in 1899, and his actor, Harrison Ford was born in 1942). Croft claims she won't lose to an old geezer like him.)
That's like my nude codes: never gonna happen!
(There was a rumor (that has since been proven false) about there being a cheat code to play as Lara naked. Croft declares that Indiana will never defeat her just as gamers can't access the nude codes.)
Scrapped lyrics
Indiana Jones:
There's one thing in your series I could never understand.
(Jones appears to be scratching his head over an observation he has made regarding the Tomb Raider series. His question follows.)
Why do you use dual pistols, when your fans only play with one hand?
(He wonders how Croft can use two pistols when her most avid fans might control her with one hand, implying that said fans might masturbate with their free hand. A similar joke was used by Leonidas in Master Chief vs Leonidas.)
Nathan Drake:
Erm... what's up Doc?
(Drake, the protagonist of Sony's Uncharted franchise, would have interrupted Jones at some point. He introduces himself similarly to Warner Bros' cartoon rabbit Bugs Bunny, whose intro is frequently, "Ehhh, what's up, Doc?" Jones has a Ph.D as a professor and thus uses the title of Dr. as a civilian.)
I gotta cut you off like one of Croft's tank tops
(Drake then states that for whatever reason, he had to interrupt Jones, or "cut [him] off." Croft's wardrobe includes cut-off tank tops.)
You're among thieves, let's get to brass tacks.
(A reference to Uncharted 2: Among Thieves, the second game in Drake's saga. He wants to "get down to brass tacks", or succinctly explain why he came into the battle. He also knows that Jones has a history of thievery within his franchise. )
I'm here to... oh no, no, ah crap!
(Despite the fact that Drake was modeled on a number of action-adventure heroes including both Jones and Croft, he was also designed with flaws in his character to make him more relatable to players. Among said flaws is that Drake can be a klutz and will sometimes not think things through; and so, just as Drake was about to rap, he makes an abrupt exit on account of some thorny situation he has gotten himself into. He typically says, "Oh, crap!" when he finds himself in a sticky situation.)
