Firstly, let me apologize for my fellow, uncivilized male counterparts. It would please you to know that I, personally, would NEVER perform such an act, as to betray a friendship. Perhaps you may take solace in the fact that there are, in fact, a distinguished breed of gentlemen who, on the surface, seem nice, but once you get to know us, you will discover that we are just that and nothing else! We may lurk in the shadows, at times, seemingly inefficient at social interaction, but I assure you, once friendship is established with the right variety, you will be overrun with (non-sexual) intellectual conversation! To my way of thinking, I believe the difficulties you have experienced in the past may have been compounded by your choice of brutish men who seek gratification solely through sex. This is an erroneous line of thought that will, more oftentimes than not, lead to heartache and misery. I would like to propose to you to, next time, take another glance THROUGH the shadows and, with luck, you may discover exactly that which you seek! Godspeed, old chap.
Jolly good show, old bean. My sincerest gratitude for your utmost respectful behaviour in this desperate time of need. Such a quaint tone with much to say. Do keep in touch, so that your "rock hard pee pee" may enjoy such an esquisite activity yet again sometime soon.