The Western Philosophers
The Western Philosophers In Battle
Nice Peter (Nietzsche), EpicLLOYD (Socrates), and Zach Sherwin (Voltaire) as the Western Philosophers
Character information
Birth name Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
François-Marie Arouet
Born Nietzsche:
October 15, 1844
Röcken bei Lützen, Germany
c. 470/469 BC
Athens, Greece
November 21, 1694
Paris, France
Died Nietzsche:
August 25, 1900 (aged 55)
Weimar, Germany
c. 399 BC (aged 70–71)
Athens, Greece
May 30, 1778 (aged 83)
Paris, France
Physical description
Hair Brown (Nietzsche)
White (Socrates)
Gray (Voltaire)
Eyes Blue (Nietzsche)
Brown (Socrates and Voltaire)
Based on
The Western Philosophers Based On
Rap battle information
Appeared in Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers
Vs The Eastern Philosophers
Their teammates (last verse)
Release date July 6, 2015
Official vote(s) 38% (Old poll from ERB Website)
Location(s) Western landmarks
Cameo appearance
Socrates Cameo
Cameo information
Appeared in Lewis and Clark vs Bill and Ted
During Bill & Ted's first verse
Location(s) The Circle K

We're better thinkers, better speakers, better lovers, better men!
— The Western Philosophers

The Western Philosophers battled the Eastern Philosophers in Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers. They also later turned against each other in the same battle. They are a team consisting of Nietzsche, Socrates, and Voltaire; they were portrayed by Nice Peter, EpicLLOYD, and Zach Sherwin, respectively.

Information on the rappers

Nietzsche, Socrates, and Voltaire were Western Philosophers from Europe. Nietzsche was an author and philosopher, Socrates was an Ancient Greek teacher and philosopher, and Voltaire was a French poet, author, and philosopher. They were born in the 19th Century, Ancient Greece, and the 17th Century respectively. Each of their works have been passed down and are still remembered to this day, such as Nietzsche's "God is Dead" quote and his nihilism, Socrates' teachings on ethics, and Voltaire's Candide.


[Note: Socrates is in vanilla, Nietzsche is in brown, and Voltaire is in orange. All philosophers rapping together is in regular text.]

Verse 1:

I'm coming off the Acropolis to start some pandemonium.

Don't bring limp raps to a pimp slap symposium!

The mad gadfly, philosophy was my invention!

Rolling with the flyest nihilist, and me, their French henchman!

We've got the wisdom and the wit that even I couldn't question!

Dropping Western medicine on these East infections!

It's evident you've never been our type of mental brethren!

We're better thinkers, better speakers, better lovers, better men!

Verse 2:

Oh, I'll give you something you can bow and kowtow to

When I squat down and squeeze out a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu!

You need to take control of the life you're given!

They call me Übermensch 'cause I'm so driven!

And I'm a freethinker, so confronting conformists like you? It's my job!

Got a sharp wit like a spit that'll skewer you like a Confu-shish kebab!

(Oh!) You flubbed the mission. I'm beating your submissive ass into submission!

Dishing out more disses than letters and pamphlets and plays I've been publishing!

Now that we've covered the two Yin and Yang twins, I can move on to Jackie Chan!

Sun Tzu, I'll be picking apart your Wu with my method, man!

The seminal general isn't so tough on the mic; all your men must be like, "Yo, what happened?"

You're pitiful lyrically. Lucky for history, you didn't author The Art of Rapping!

Verse 3:

I wouldn't exactly call myself a student of this plebe.

Don't make Nietzsche come over and put a knee up in your chi!

'Cause I'm N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E,

And I'll end any mother fucker like my name in a spelling bee!

Plebe, bitch? I'm toxic like a hemlock sip!

Hang a sandal on the door 'cause you can suck Soc's dick!

Sacré bleu, Socrates! You're making things a little tense!

Come, let's blind these Chinese heinies with some shiny bright enlightenment!

I'll not be taught camaraderie from a frog who rigged the lottery!

You make a mockery of ethics, so keep your fat nose in your coffee!

Let me be frank: don't start beef with the Frank,

Who hangs with B. Franks, giving ladies beef franks!

Scrapped lyrics

I'll check in first, 'cause I'm the best Western.

Like, how did these boring geeks from the Far East get invited?

Well, I hope they can speak their minds better than they can write it!

Oh, I'm delighted by their writing; such charming little thoughts

From such charming simple little men in charming little smocks!

What a fearsome trio! Yes, but what does it all mean?

It means the fate of these ancients is about to be seen!

We got the logical means to philosophically dominate your rhetoric

And get it boiled down to its essentials till it's evident!

But first I'll squat down and drop a Dao of Pooh on Lao Tzu!

And call me Übermensch 'cause I'm so driven!

I'm Voltaire; I'm fucking fabulous, bitch!


Motherfucking French, bitch!

I'm Voltaire; motherfucking French, bitch!

That covers the Yin and Yang twins; now it's on to Jackie Chan!

I'll Chang your Wu with my Method, Man!

You're supposed to be the tough one, dude, what happened?

History's lucky that you didn't write The Art of Rapping!

Wise guys from the East are supposed to be the best,

But we've seen more flavor in a Panda Express!

Our philosophy flourishes! Western culture has ascended!

While even your descendants seem a bit disoriented!

That's N-I-T-Z-C-H-E!

Ooh, is this going to be like one of your schoolboy lessons?

Oh, do teach the Prussian what the Greeks consider wrestling!

Why don't you keep your fat French nose in your coffee?

The most impressive thing you ever did was rip off your own lottery!

Who hangs out with B. Franks, giving the chicks beef franks!

Sacré bleu, I'm the one you'll kowtow to,

When I squat down and drop a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu!

When I squat down and drop a Tao of Pooh on who?

Lao Tzu!

You're pitiful lyrically. Lucky for history, you didn't write The Art of Rapping!

You make a mockery of ethics, so keep your nose inside your coffee!


  • The Western Philosophers are the third, fourth and fifth characters to say something during the "Who Won? Who's Next? You Decide" sequence.


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