HAHAHA MERRY CHRISTMAS
Oh, whoops.
Don't kill me or Wonder.
Take Tux instead, he does nothing.
Ye.
Episode[]
*The show opens on a snowy island. Lloyd and Peter are on the dock, wearing winter clothing and throwing snowballs at each other until they notice the camera.*
EpicLLOYD: Merry Christmas!
Nice Peter: It’s not Christmas!!
Both: And this is a terrible weather pattern!
EpicLLOYD: Today, we have a special host coming to warm us with her attitude!
Nice Peter: She’s hosted her own television show for countless years! That’s right, it’s…
*Peter and Lloyd both say who at the same time, but say a different name.*
EpicLLOYD: Ellen DeGeneres!
Nice Peter: Oprah Winfrey!
*They both look at each other confused, then begin to bicker about who is hosting.*
EpicLLOYD: I told Morgan to get Ellen. She’d be perfect! She has her own giveaways!
Nice Peter: I told him to get Oprah. She’s more influential.
*The two look back to see J.P. Morgan, who is nervously scratching his head while smiling awkwardly.*
J.P. Morgan: Well… I couldn’t decide who to get, so I… got both of them to come. Heh?
*The two continue to stare at him as he backs away slowly from the dock.*
EpicLLOYD: Here on Total Drama ERB!
*The scene cuts to the Team Gangsters cabin, where Al Capone and Cleopatra are snuggling upstairs to keep warm, Rick is measuring some parts of the house, and Mr. T is patching up some holes in the walls.*
Mr. T: Man, it is cold today!
Rick Grimes: Well, it is snowing.
Mr. T: What?
*Mr. T looks out through one of the holes, seeing a light rain of snow.*
Mr. T: The heck? Wasn’t it, like, Halloween just a couple days ago?
Rick Grimes: I don’t know, man. I haven’t been keeping track.
Mr. T: Well, it’s still pretty weird, yo.
Rick Grimes: Peter and Lloyd probably have something planned with this.
Mr. T: Whatever the case, I’m freezing.
Rick Grimes: Same, but it’s just a bit of snow.
Sarah Palin: Well, I think y’all are just wimps.
Mr. T: Excuse me?
Sarah Palin: I live in weather worse than this on a daily basis, don’tcha know? If anything, this is fairly warm.
Mr. T: Uhh…if you say so.
Rick Grimes: Don’t you have politicians and knights to bitch at?
Sarah Palin: Haha, very funny. …tried that a few minutes ago already, but some stupid new security guards kicked me out.
Rick Grimes: Wait, new security guards?
Sarah Palin: Some dumb frilly-wearin’ creeps.
Rick Grimes: Interesting…
Mr. T: Maybe if I get voted off, I can get a job here as a bodyguard. As long as I’m able to provide some money for Gaga…
Rick Grimes: Where do they keep the jackets here? I’m heading out.
Mr. T: There’s a closet just downstairs by the front door.
Sarah Palin: If you’re going to go check out the new guards, I’m coming with ya. Ain’t no one kick out Palin and get away with it!
Rick Grimes: Fine, come along then.
*The scene cuts to Sarah Palin and Rick Grimes outside, Rick Grimes now wearing a coat, as they approach the Team Mario is a Big Fat cabin. Outside it stands Ludwig van Beethoven, talking into a walkie-talkie.*
Ludwig van Beethoven (into the walkie-talkie): No, haven’t seen anything yet, Fat Man. … There was some annoying red-head that tried getting in, but she wasn’t too much trouble. … No, not yet. Everyone has woken up, but she is still preoccupying herself inside. … Of course. Bloodhound out.
Rick Grimes (whispering): Bloodhound? Weird name. Obviously a nickname, but I’m interested about the meaning behind it. Fat Man obviously refers to as the bomb dropped on Japan, so that’s probably his leader, or at least a superior.
Sarah Palin (whispering): Ugghhh, you talk almost as much as Clinton does.
Ludwig van Beethoven (into the walkie-talkie): Oh, and there’s people here.
Rick Grimes: Shit.
Ludwig van Beethoven (into the walkie-talkie): Let me get back to you in a bit, Fat Man.
*Rick Grimes and Sarah Palin approach Ludwig van Beethoven as he puts away the walkie-talkie.*
Rick Grimes: Hello there.
Ludwig van Beethoven: What business do you have here? And I told you not to come back, Palin.
Sarah Palin: People tell me not to do a lot of things.
Rick Grimes: I had merely overheard of new bodyguards and was curious to know who they were, as well as why they were required when we have people like Hogan, Macho Man, Neil de Grasse, Goku…
Ludwig van Beethoven: Those guys are wimps, plain and simple.
Sarah Palin: Everyone here is. I like you already.
Ludwig van Beethoven: Quiet. You’re even weaker.
Sarah Palin: Dick.
Rick Grimes: That still doesn’t answer my question. Why are more necessary? Is there something going on?
Ludwig van Beethoven: It’s nothing that concerns you.
Rick Grimes: Is this because of the N.E.R.D.s?
Ludwig van Beethoven: I told you, it doesn’t concern you.
Rick Grimes (whispering to Sarah Palin): Knew it.
Ludwig van Beethoven: If you do not leave, I will be required to remove you from the premises myself.
Rick Grimes: Alright. My apologies. I’ve overstayed my welcome, it seems. Hopefully, our paths shall cross again another time. Let us depart, dear Sarah.
Sarah Palin: I’ve got my eyes on you, frilly.
Ludwig van Beethoven: Yeah, yeah, get out of here.
*Rick Grimes grabs Sarah Palin’s arm and pulls her away, walking back towards their cabin.*
Rick Grimes: I’m almost positive at this point that N.E.R.D. is still planning something.
Sarah Palin: And why should I care, eh?
Rick Grimes: Ugh… If you help me stop whatever it is they’re doing, everyone will like you more than Hillary and Joan and whoever else you hate.
Sarah Palin: … Deal.
Rick Grimes: Thank you. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m still rather cold, so I’d like to get back to our cabin.
Sarah Palin: You are a wimp.
Rick Grimes: I’ve dealt with a zombie apocalypse, don’t give me that lip. Wait, why the hell am I even arguing with you?
*Rick Grimes shrugs it off, walking faster ahead of Sarah Palin towards the cabin. The scene then cuts to the Team Mario is a Big Fat cabin. Hillary Clinton looks out a window, down at Ludwig van Beethoven just outside.*
Hillary Clinton: Hmph. Looks like Peter and Lloyd have a few new employees. Guessing they really took my threat seriously. Which only confirms my suspicions. They are keeping secrets from us, and I will find them out no matter what. I just need to make sure I’m careful about-
Joan of Arc: *peeks her head into the room* Hey, Hillary, are you talking to yourself?
Hillary Clinton: What? Oh, uh, no. Well, yes, I suppose. Was just thinking aloud to myself, don’t worry.
Joan of Arc: Eh, if you say so. We’re heading down to the cafeteria for breakfast if you feel like joining us.
Hillary Clinton: I’ll proceed momentarily, don’t worry.
Joan of Arc: Cool, see ya.
*Joan of Arc leaves, Hillary Clinton looking back out the window to see that Ludwig van Beethoven had left.*
Hillary Clinton: Hmm…
*The scene transitions to the cafeteria a while later. At the Team Mario is a Big Fat table, Miley Cyrus is jabbing at Justin Bieber’s cheek with a spoon filled with apple sauce, William Wallace eating haggis, Captain Kirk trying out the haggis and gagging, Raphael eating at one corner of the table alone, Luigi with his face planted in a bowl of spaghetti, and Joan of Arc and Princess Peach chatting casually with each other.*
Miley Cyrus: Come on, dammit, just eat.
Justin Bieber: *whining* Noooo.
Miley Cyrus: I will abandon you here if you do not eat.
Justin Bieber: Geez, have a sense of humor once in a while, would you? *eats*
Joan of Arc: You really should try to truly commit your relationship with Mario somehow.
Princess Peach: Really?
Joan of Arc: Well, yeah. The dude risks neck and limb for you. He’s gone over the line and helped his opposite team a number of times just to keep you safe, despite Peter specifically saying that it’s against the rules now.
Princess Peach: Well… I suppose so, yes.
Joan of Arc: I’m probably not the best person to go to in terms of relationship advice, but this is a guy that truly loves you. You need to do something to return the love.
Princess Peach: Yeah…
Bob Ross: *sits down next to Raphael* Hey, man. Where’s that purple bro of yours?
Raphael: Wait… You can see him?
Bob Ross: I see a lot of things, bro. You remind me of a turtle I once knew.
Raphael: Right.
Bob Ross: But where is he? You always hang out with purple man.
Raphael: We got into a fight yesterday. He decided to go against my advice on pursuing a relationship with someone he quite obviously was totally crushing on. All I wanted was to help, but he just insulted and pushed me away.
Bob Ross: *staring at his fork* …wait, what?
Raphael: Ugh… Forget it.
Bob Ross: Man, maybe you’re just being too harsh on the bro. Maybe he just doesn’t want to take the same approach as you. Some brosives like to just ride the calm waves, take it slow. You gotta let them ride those waves how they want.
Raphael: Umm… Alright? Whatever
Bob Ross: Are you going to eat that?
Nice Peter (intercom): Contestants! It’s challenge time!
EpicLLOYD (intercom): Time to meet down by the stage!
Raphael: *stands up* You can have it.
Bob Ross: Sweet!
*The scene cuts to inside the stage building, everyone sitting around in the audience. Notably, Raphael and Donatello make sure to sit separated from one another.*
Al Capone: Kinda surprised this place is still standing after that war a year ago.
Nice Peter: *steps on stage with EpicLLOYD* Today, we’re doing something a bit different from what we’d originally had planned.
EpicLLOYD: From what I had planned, because Peter messed up.
Nice Peter: No, you.
EpicLLOYD: Anyways, we’re bringing in two wonderful ladies to host today’s challenge, and...well, we’ll see where it goes from there.
*Nice Peter and EpicLLOYD step off stage, while Oprah Winfrey and Ellen DeGeneres step on stage, seating themselves in the two chairs provided.*
Oprah Winfrey: Welcome! I’m your host, Oprah Winfrey!
Ellen DeGeneres: And I like kittens!
Al Capone (to Cleopatra): Oh boy.
Oprah Winfrey: And today, we have a lovely show in store for you!
Ellen DeGeneres: Today we have a special live studio audience here with us!
Bob Ross (to John Lennon): Where?
*Bob Ross looks at a screen behind Ellen DeGeneres, showing the 22 competitors*
Bob Ross: I just see a bitch with an afro and a blue shirt.
John Lennon: Yeah, that dude looks like a real fucktard.
Oprah Winfrey: Let us start today’s episode with a surprise!
*Ellen DeGeneres looks around the room, only to get sad and has to be comforted by Oprah when she realizes there are no kittens anywhere.*
Oprah Winfrey: You guys see your chairs? Well, I may not have a large audience here, but I got something for all of you! Look below!
*All the contestants and Ellen look below their chairs, confused to find nothing. Oprah then laughs maniacally as she grabs a remote control with a cartoonish red button in the middle.*
Oprah Winfrey: You get pain! YOU get pain! You get pain! EVERYBODY GETS PAIN!
*Bob Ross starts cheering, clapping furiously, and crying tears of joy as Oprah presses the button, releasing their chairs into a dark flooded maze below. In response, Ellen jumps onto Oprah’s lap, frightened, before jumping back off.*
Oprah Winfrey: There are eleven paths out of the Pool of Opportunity in the Maze of Power! You must find your way out!
Bob Ross: Hey! Where’s my pain!
*Oprah Winfrey throws a potted plant off of a table next to her at Bob Ross, knocking him out, and he gives a thumbs up as he sinks slowly into the muck. Oprah then turns to a screen behind her, showing a bright yellow four-seater smart car with seating for two and a pink GPS.*
Oprah Winfrey: You will find many Traps Inside Terror Shit. If you are caught in one, you are automatically disqualified from the challenge. In the Paths to Success, there is a special car with a GPS inside of it hidden among the several traps!
Ellen DeGeneres: I only agreed because we put little dancing kittens on it!
*Oprah disgustedly turns away from the screen behind her as it zooms in on the GPS, which is annoyingly meowing as several cartoon kitties dance on the bottom and Ellen dances along. Oprah quickly turns the screen off, saddening the dancing woman.*
Oprah Winfrey: Now, GO! Before I call out the Dog of Eating Your Face!
Ellen DeGeneres: That’s a lame name, Oprah.
*The 22 competitors look at the hallways, being 11 of them, and choose to enter. The camera follows John Lennon and Bob Ross, the latter of which is being dragged by Lennon, in an interesting discussion about potatoes.*
Bob Ross: Potatoes suck, dude. They smell weird.
John Lennon: Don’t be racist, jerk. Victoria Woodhull fought for something back a time ago, and I want to fight for potato rights.
Bob Ross: Excuse me, but the only wood I care about is Woodstock. I don’t give a dang diddly about your stupid roots.
John Lennon: You wanna fight?
Bob Ross: RAP BATTLE!
John Lennon: YEAH!
*Lennon and Ross look right at each other menacingly, clenching fists and jaws while growling. The camera then cuts to William Wallace and Luigi, who stumble upon a bridge with a troll warning next to it. William Wallace is looking around while Luigi is scratching his crotch.*
William Wallace: Ya see any trolls, lass? Ogres? Hags? Bob O’Reilly?
Luigi: Imma win.
William Wallace: I doubt yer crotch-scratchety self gettin’ anywhere, especially with ta likes of me, Joan, Gorgo, Mario, Capone, and even Bieber.
Luigi: ...Mario?
William Wallace: Yes, ya limp dick, yer brother, Mario. He’ll be kickin’ yer ass like a pigskin befer ya take home shite!
Luigi: ...IMMA WIN!
*Luigi fiercely charges across the bridge, right as Dane Cook pops up to tell a joke, only to run into him and knock them both out.*
(Confessional) William Wallace: The lad tik care of emself, frankly. I don’t mind. Well, I’m on me own now… dammit.
*William Wallace walks around the unconscious two into a cave and wanders forwards, whistling to himself. The camera then switches to Mr. T and Doctor Who, who have stumbled upon an ice giant in a pit deep enough to hold it down but shallow enough that it’s head can be seen staring at the two. Said pit expands from one wall to the other, with no way to cross it easily. Oprah Winfrey pops up on a computer monitor on a rod that somehow appears by Doctor Who with no warning.*
Oprah Winfrey: Hello, test dummies! You’re at my Ice Giant of Giant Issue! You have to get across the pit without falling!
Mr. T: Unfair! What’re we supposed to do, jump on this things head?
Doctor Who: Exactly! Grab my scarf!
Mr. T: Uh, ‘scuse me? There’s nothing to do with it!
Doctor Who: Yes there is! Just hold it tight and don’t let go!
*Doctor Who unravels his scarf from his neck, hands an end to Mr. T, and grabs the other end himself, and runs towards Oprah’s monitor, pulling Mr. T behind him.*
Mr. T: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Doctor Who: I HAVE NO IDEA!
(Confessional) Doctor Who: I had an idea! A wonderful, marvelous idea! Not really for the challenge, but an idea nonetheless!
*Doctor Who and Mr. T break the rod stand the monitor was on, cutting off the power, and stop running.*
Mr. T: The hell was that supposed to do? We broke our only communication!
Doctor Who: Nonsense! Now it isn’t her trap anymore! It’s ours! We can do whatever we want with it!
Mr. T: Cool.
(Confessional) Mr. T: That fuckin’ isn’t cool! IT’S... STUPID! THAT FOOL!
Mr. T: How ‘bout we just go back out the entrance?
Doctor Who: And go where the others have gone? That’d ruin our fun!
Mr. T: What fun? We’re gonna all lose in the end!
Doctor Who: My friend, you sound very upset, perhaps-
Mr. T: I AM UPSET, YOU FOOL!
Doctor Who: Wanna wear my scarf?
Mr. T: No.
Doctor Who: Oh, come on! It’s cool!
Mr. T: It looks like dated 80’s garbage.
Doctor Who: Just wear it, c’mon!
Mr. T: No-
*Doctor Who wraps his scarf around Mr. T, who is standing still with his arms crossed, peeved off by Doctor Who.*
(Confessional) Mr. T: Lady Gaga wouldn’t make me wear her outfits. I don’t need no sci-fi dork telling me what to do.
*The camera cuts to Captain Kirk and Hillary Clinton going through a rotating maze, Kirk in front and Hillary annoyed behind him.*
Captain Kirk: This… way.
Hillary Clinton: Oh, please. We’ve been here… five times.
Captain Kirk: So? Recognizing places can… help us find our way out easier.
Hillary Clinton: We’ve been at this for a minute, Kirk. You’ve gone in circles.
Captain Kirk: So is… the room, so… it fits.
Hillary Clinton: Well, the room isn’t trying to find its way out of itself. Let me lead us out of this mess. You’re a very poor navigator.
Captain Kirk: Well, I left that to… Spock, Sulu, and the… others.
Hillary Clinton: Well, Mr. Spork isn’t here, local patrol. Move it.
Captain Kirk: It’s… Spock, madam.
Hillary Clinton: I know. Take a joke, space Obama.
(Confessional) Captain Kirk: What does… she mean, “Space… Obama”? I sound… nothing like him.
(Confessional) Barack Obama: Don’t mind me, just… making my uh, new campaign. Yeah. That.
I didn’t say stop, Romney. Shoes don’t... shine themselves.
Captain Kirk: There’s a… door over there. I suggest we… try it.
Hillary Clinton: Go ahead, I’m not going to kill you for actually trying now.
*Captain Kirk tries to open the door, only to have the handle activate a trap, a pit below his feet, which he falls in and finds himself on top of a bunch of the giant millipedes from the Tower in season one.*
Oprah Winfrey (via intercom): Five minute update: Luigi and Captain Kirk are out for the count.
Hillary Clinton: Well, I guess you can never trust doors on game shows.
*The camera cuts to Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus, at a wall with ten doors. Justin is nagging about an itch on his nose, which he can’t scratch due to his Hannibal Lecter-esque situation. Miley is too busy tuning him out to care.*
Justin Bieber: I CAN’T SCRATCH MY NOSE, MILEY!
Miley Cyrus: Which one of these doors works?
Justin Bieber: I DON’T CARE WHICH DOOR WORKS, SCRATCH MY NOSE!
Miley Cyrus: ...door 3 might work… no, wait… door seven? Seven is a lucky number… huh…
Justin Bieber: TRY ALL OF THEM! JUST SCRATCH MY NOSE FIRST!
Miley Cyrus: Let’s try door seven, yes.
*Miley rams Bieber and his dolly into Door Seven, breaking his nose and causing him to bleed onto his straitjacket.*
Justin Bieber: HOLY SHIT!
Miley Cyrus: You happy? I got your stupid itch scratched.
Justin Bieber: But my nose…
Miley Cyrus: Does it itch still? I can do it again, if you wish.
Justin Bieber: No, missus…
*To himself* If I pass out, it’s your fault, bitch.
Miley Cyrus: It still itches? Let me help!
Justin Bieber: NO!
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: There were reasons I didn’t like Miley but this wasn’t originally one of them…
*The camera cuts off to Al Capone and Mario, in a large winding maze with no real exits anywhere.*
Mario: So…
Al Capone: So…
Mario: Lovely… weather, right?
Al Capone: Yep. I don’t know what the weather is, but I’m sure it’s lovely.
Mario: Yeah…
Al Capone: So, how’s the missus?
Mario: Peach? Oh, she’s-a happy like always… although I feel I can’t say-a the same for me…
Al Capone: Why not?
Mario: Well, she-a seems to ignore me all-a the time…
Al Capone: She does seem to be a bit, uh, well, simple minded. She probably loves you and is just distracted easily. Besides, she’s making friends. That’s a good thing to do in these things.
Mario: True…
Al Capone: Say, uh… wanna join an alliance with me?
Mario: What’s an alliance?
Al Capone: An agreement where we have each other’s back in the competition.
Mario: Oh, a-sure.
Al Capone: It’s a deal, then.
*Al Capone extends his hand out for Mario to shake it, but Mario looks at him confused.*
Al Capone: It’s a handshake.
Mario: Oh.
*Mario grabs Al Capone’s hand and shakes it, Al Capone watching awkwardly.*
Al Capone: Close enough.
(Confessional) Mario: Truth be told, I-a find it awkward to talk with people here. They mostly seem-a weird or evil… but I guess I gotta ally with everyone-a if I want to win. After all, if everyone has-a your back, you gonna go far, right?
*Mario and Capone both hear some strange noises coming from the end of the maze, and walk slowly to see what it is.*
Mario: See-a anything?
Al Capone: No… wait. I see an afro.
*Mario and Capone look to see Bob Ross and John Lennon continuing their rap battle across the maze, leaving through an exit.*
Bob Ross: To all the emcees who wanna battle me, I’m calling out my black friends, wait I don’t have any.
Al Capone: Say, Mario, I think they found an exit. Why don’t we follow them and, uh… have them help our team a bit?
Mario: I don’t-a see why not… but wait, a cross team alliance? Aren’t those-a dangerous?
Al Capone: Who said anything about an alliance with them?
(Confessional) Mario: Mamma-mia… this is-a some big risk I’m in now…
(Confessional) Al Capone: Those two dorks? I wouldn’t trust them with my life, Cleo’s, or no one’s. But they may trust me with theirs…
*The camera cuts to Marilyn Monroe and Lady Gaga making their way across a narrow rope bridge over a quickly moving river.*
Marilyn Monroe: Hey, Gaga, who would you say is a big power couple here?
Lady Gaga: Why?
Marilyn Monroe: No reason.
Lady Gaga: Well, if you insist… Mario and Peach might be. Or Capone and Cleopatra.
Marilyn Monroe: Thanks for the help.
Lady Gaga: ...Help?
Marilyn Monroe: Oh, nothing, honey! Just keep crossing this narrow bridge while before Mr. T comes and throws you across.
(Confessional) Marilyn Monroe: Don’t tell anyone, but I’m trying out a new technique. Last season, I got thrown out too early because I flirted with Robin. Clearly, that dork’s missing out. Anywho, I’m starting a new approach to the game. A more, uh, how should I put this, powerful, yeah… powerful approach. As in I’ll be the most powerful because there’d be no power couples left. Oh, and Mr. T will be gone.
Ahhh, just thinking about that makes me… happy...~
*The camera cuts to Donatello and Raphael, walking awkwardly through a plain cave path.*
Raphael: Ahhm!
Donatello: That’s the sixth time you’ve done that this minute. Stop the fake coughing.
Raphael: Buzzkill.
Donatello: You’re the prick butting his way into my life.
Raphael: Well, maybe I want to help you!
Donatello: Trust me, you’re never helpful.
Raphael: I am too!
Donatello: Tell me one time you did something other than act like a horny frat boy.
Raphael: Well, I showed this girl… no, I, uh… Leonardo… hm… Michelangelo and I went… uh, no… wait… Picasso… nah, I think… actually no, that was just a wet dream… the teacher… shit, uh… fuck.
Donatello: Exactly. Now shut up or find something to do that can help.
(Confessional) Donatello: Raphael’s a dumbass. He, Michelangelo, and Leonardo always just goofed around. I was stuck with them because I’m an artist. Why couldn’t I have been put with Picasso? He’s got a dog, a television, he’s got it set. I got a fucking frat team and a horse statue. The school of Athens is a load of crap.
(Confessional) Raphael: I’m not trying to be a sex freak, it’s natural. Girls just come to me. I wouldn’t be surprised if Joan loved me over Donatello. But she’s fucking plain. Brown hair is a turn off for me. Blondes are where it’s at. Have you SEEN that Monroe chick? Donatello can have that cross-dressing peasant, I’ll go for miss Marilyn any day.
*The camera cuts back to Donatello and Raphael, who stumble upon a car… just as Queen Gorgo and Rick Grimes do.*
Rick Grimes: Lookie what we found.
Raphael: I saw this first!
Queen Gorgo: Well…
*Queen Gorgo touches the car door.*
I touched it first.
Donatello: Please.
Rick Grimes: I’ll get it started, Gorgo. Then we can drive around and pick up some others.
Raphael: Donatello, go get Ri- hey, Don?
*Raphael looks behind him, only to see Donatello walking past Gorgo and Rick.*
Raphael: Screw you too, then!
Queen Gorgo: Who are you talking to?
Raphael: My friend, Do-
*The car engine starts, and Rick honks the horn.*
Rick Grimes: Get in!
Queen Gorgo: One second!
*Queen Gorgo tries to open the door, but as soon as she does, Raphael shoves her aside and lunges in at Rick, shoving him into the door. Rick steps on the gas and the car lunges forwards, sending Raphael into the back of the car.*
Raphael: This is MY car, Dick Slimes!
Rick Grimes: Who do you think is driving it, mister? Now get lost, freeloader.
Raphael: Make me!
*The two turn to see the passenger side door smash off on a stalagmite.*
Rick Grimes: GET OUT!
*Rick Grimes reaches back and opens the right back door and tries to shake Raphael out by speeding in circles, but Raphael grabs the back of Rick’s seat and then lunges for his throat.*
Raphael: NOW WHAT!
Rick Grimes: Let… go… jerk!
*The car drives out of control as Rick Grimes lets go of the steering wheel to remove Raphael’s grip around his throat, but Raphael bites his hand. Flinching, Rick slams his foot down on the break, smashing Raphael’s face into the headrest and his own into the steering wheel, slamming the horn. Knocked out, Raphael lets go of Rick and slumps out of the car. The car appears to have stopped by the exit of the maze Ross, Capone, Mario, and Lennon were in. Queen Gorgo runs up to the car, puts the unconscious Rick in the back, shoves Raphael out of the door, and closes it.*
Queen Gorgo: Now what?
*The camera cuts to Cleopatra and Sarah Palin, who’ve reached a zip line over an alligator pit. A monitor appears next to Cleopatra, scaring her.*
Oprah Winfrey: Welcome to the Zip Line of Quick Thinking!
Sarah Palin: Well, you’re outta luck, Cleo! Leave this to me!
*Sarah Palin zip lines across, smashing into a pole on the other side and slumping onto the ground.*
Oprah Winfrey: Well, she’s out, so I guess turn around.
Cleopatra: Why?
Oprah Winfrey: That was your only zip line.
Cleopatra: Well, crap.
Oprah Winfrey: I suggest just going down the main cave path, out the door you came in a to the right a bit.
Cleopatra: Oh, thanks!
*Cleopatra leaves the room, and the camera cuts to the studio room where Ellen and Oprah were, watching the contestants on twenty different monitors.*
Ellen DeGeneres: Why do you get to tell everyone where they are? I wanna do something!
Oprah Winfrey: Go find a kitten or something.
Ellen DeGeneres: Okay!
*Ellen runs off, leaving Oprah by herself. She looks around to see if anyone is watching, and pulls out a remote when she sees no one. She changes the monitors to recordings of the Oprah Winfrey show and begins to sleep.*
Santa Claus: Gosh dangit, not again!
*The camera cuts to Doctor Who and Mr. T walking down the save cave system the car drove down, then stumbling upon Queen Gorgo in the car.*
Mr. T: Woot! You found the car, Gorgo!
Queen Gorgo: Yeah… how does this thing work?
Doctor Who: Allow me to help!
Mr. T: NO! You’ve done enough!
*Mr. T and Doctor Who hop in the car, Mr. T in the passenger seat and Doctor Who in the back with an unconscious Rick.*
Doctor Who: What do we do with him? He’s knocked out.
Mr. T: Well, you can do nothing.
Oh, and here’s your scarf back.
*Mr. T takes off Doctor Who’s scarf, wads it up, and throws it back at him. Doctor Who neatly unwads it and puts it on.*
Doctor Who: Alright, now step on it, Gorgo!
Queen Gorgo: Step on what?
Mr. T: Wait, where’s the door? It’s missin’!
Queen Gorgo: It fell off a while back. I saw it while chasing the car down.
*Mario, Al Capone, Bob Ross, and John Lennon walk out of the maze, then rush to the car upon seeing it.*
Al Capone: Got any room?
Doctor Who: No, sorry!
Bob Ross: We can get in the trunk, Lennon!
Mr. T: This dinky ass car ain’t got no trunk! It’s small enough as is, we don’t need you two suckas hitchhiking!
Mario: What about Rick? He could-a be moved to the floor. One other person could-a then fit.
Queen Gorgo: The thing is, I have no idea how to start this.
Al Capone: Lemme help.
*Mario and Doctor Who move Rick to the floor to make space as Al shows Queen Gorgo what to do with the car. However, it suddenly won’t move due to a missing door.*
Al Capone: How’d it get here without a stinkin’ door?
Queen Gorgo: It’s back that way a couple feet.
Al Capone: You ain’t goin’ anywhere without a door, so I’ll go fetch it with Mario. Mr. T, make sure nothin’ happens to lose you the car, aight?
Mr. T: I ain’t losin’ a challenge today, don’t worry.
*Mario and Al Capone walk back to fetch the missing door as the rest wait in the car.*
Mr. T: This should be a piece of cake. Nuthin’s gonna take a car that can’t move.
Queen Gorgo: Exactly. We’ve just gotta wait. What could go wrong?
*Bob Ross and John Lennon slowly rise up by the driver’s window, giving Gorgo puppy dog eyes and smiling innocently.*
Doctor Who: Thanks for the jinx!
*The camera cuts to Hillary Clinton walking through the maze Capone, Mario, Ross and Lennon came from, bumping into Wallace.*
William Wallace: Shite! What’s it to ya?!
Hillary Clinton: Excuse me, I was just finding my way out of this maze.
*Some speakers crackle as Ellen DeGeneres giggles into a microphone, talking to a kitten before she realizes she hit the button.*
Ellen DeGeneres (via intercom): Oh… oops! Well, since I’m here, Sarah Palin, Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Luigi, Rick Grimes, Raphael, Captain Kirk, and Donatello are out!
*Annoyed groans from Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber can be heard further on in the maze, confused as to how they’re out.*
Hillary Clinton: Hmmm… Miley and Bieber sound about…
*Hillary looks to her right down a path and sees Miley sitting up against a wall and Bieber wearing a bloody straight jacket with a cloth shoved up his nose.*
Hillary Clinton: That way.
William Wallace: See ya later!
*William Wallace runs down the maze to the two, only to activate a trap, and is dropped down a hole, with a splash being heard.*
(Confessional) Hillary Clinton: As much as I’d like to take credit for that, I’m going to have to hand that off to dumb luck and fate that Wallace got trapped. At least it saves me trouble.
*The camera cuts to Joan of Arc and Princess Peach walking through a river in a manmade cave with ledges on either side and walls made of brick, Joan wearing all of her armor except for her headpiece, her hair out, looking like a brunette Jessi Smiles. Peach is disgusted by the water’s condition, green with algae.*
Ellen DeGeneres (via intercom): Wallace is out!
Princess Peach: This river is gross!
Joan of Arc: Indeed… it smells disgusting.
*A monitor appears from the roof of the cave they’re in, with a kitten being held up close to a camera.*
Ellen DeGeneres: I’m Mr. Kitten Pants and I’m here to tell you you’re in the Sewer of Dreams!
Joan of Arc: The… the SEWER?!?
Princess Peach: Yuck! Who knows what’s in these waters?
Santa Claus: I do…and let me tell you, it’s not dreams…
Ellen DeGeneres: There’s a door somewhere around here and you have to find it!
*The two look back at Santa, who shrugs.*
Santa Claus: They usually drop me down by a rope… I’ve never seen a door around here.
*An elf in scuba gear rises from the water, holding a sponge on a stick and a dead raccoon. Upon seeing this, Ellen squeaks in horror and shuts away the monitor.*
Elf: Fifth one this week!
*The elf dives back down, and Santa Claus walks over to the ledge and motions for the two girls to come over.*
Santa Claus: The door might be somewhere around here.
*Joan slowly pushes through the water, which is picking up speed, and grabs Peach’s hand, pulling her along to Santa, who helps the two up.*
Santa Claus: The water’s starting to speed up to the filtering area…
Princess Peach: What about the elf?
Santa Claus: You mean him?
*Santa Claus points to an elf next to him, taking off his scuba gear and left with only his elf clothes.*
Elf: Say, Santa, what’s for supper?
Santa Claus: *sigh* I don’t know, Goggles…
Joan of Arc: Look, a door!
*The water, having cleared up, reveals a door built into the opposite ledge that was hidden when the water was flowing through.*
Santa Claus: Well, we better hurry! This only happens for another two minutes!
*The four scramble across the empty sewer way to the door, open it, and go through. The camera then cuts to Capone and Mario carrying back the car door.*
Mario: Well here’s-a the… HOLY SPAGHETTI! What-a happened?
*The two look at the car, completely beaten up and scratched, everyone except for Gorgo gone, and she is huddled up in the back, shivering. No sign of Lennon or Ross is left, either, except for broken glasses.*
Queen Gorgo: B-b-b...b…
Al Capone: Mario, get the door on, I’ll start it, something tells me we gotta get outta here, now!
*Mario quickly fastens the door on as Al Capone speeds the car to the exit of the cave, and parks it into bright daylight, only to notice the Gangsters cabin is on fire.*
Al Capone: What the…
Nice Peter: Congrats on winning! Now get out, we gotta put this fire out!
*The camera view switches to a helicopter with Macho Man and Hulk Hogan looking down at the fire.*
Macho Man: Notice anything?
Hulk Hogan: N- oh my god….
Macho Man: What is it?
*Macho Man looks back at his friend, who is pale and stricken with horror, watching the fire burn. He then changes his view to the fire, and screams. The burning house is destroyed in such a fashion, spelling “I told you so.”*
Macho Man: I’m calling Beethoven. This isn’t good. This is not good.
*The camera cuts to the two teams, minus the ones who were knocked out, Peach, and Joan, eating. Hillary Clinton is getting food when approached by Isaac Newton.*
Isaac Newton: Hey, Clinton. Sorry for being a jerk a while back.
Hillary Clinton: When?
Isaac Newton: I guess you don’t remember… still, I apologize. It’s just… what we know could get you killed.
Hillary Clinton: Oh, that time. Excuse me?
Isaac Newton: Well, you see, when we were sailing here, we saw… something large in the ocean. It looked like a whale, but… well, it wasn’t a whale. It was all gold… Einstein tried to analyze it with his computer stuff, but is just showed up as “None of your business”. I called up our friend Columbus to see if he recognized it, but he said nothing. If I was placing bets, I’d say it was Po-
Mozart: EVERYBODY PUT THEIR HANDS UP! NOW!
*Mozart and Beethoven are standing by the doors with at least six secret agent looking people, all holding guns and pointing them towards Hillary. Everyone puts their hands up, and Clinton drops her tray, Isaac placing it down before raising his hands.*
Beethoven (to walkie-talkie): Alright, Fat Man, we found her. She has a N.E.R.D. with her. We’ll round them up.
*The agents grab Hillary and Newton, then walk out with Beethoven and Mozart, saying things into their walkie talkies.*
Cleopatra: Babe, any clue what that was about?
Al Capone: No, Princess. I’m as confused as you guys.
*Mario bursts into the dining area, crying hysterically.*
Mario: Anyone seen-a Peach?
Queen Gorgo: Hey, none of the people who were at the car are here, either!
*Donatello gets up and leaves the room while Monroe and Lady Gaga look around at the people left in the room.*
Marilyn Monroe: Is this what the merge feels like? Sheesh.
*Lloyd and Peter walk in nervously, talk to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber, hand Bieber something, and leave with Miley Cyrus.*
Cleopatra: This isn’t at all like the first season.
*The camera cuts to Joan of Arc, Princess Peach, Goggles the Elf, and Santa Claus walking towards a small wooden hut. Santa Claus unlocks the door, and Princess Peach and Joan look around to see hundreds of elves working away on planning buildings, creating trees, and the likes. Mary Doodles is at the center of the room on a giant raised platform, planning with an elf wearing wearing sunglasses. Upon seeing Santa Claus, the elves all stop their work and cheer, Mary Doodles turning around and waving happily.*
Santa Claus: You guys can go see Mary, I need to go prepare supper… well, whatever Gandhi left me.
*Joan and Peach walk up towards the circular platform Mary and the head elf are on, and Mary says something to the elf and walks down to the ladies.*
Mary Doodles: Hello, you two! How- oh my, you smell.
Joan of Arc: Well, Lloyd and Peter had us go through the sewers.
Mary Doodles: Oh, I think that was Oprah’s doing. Peter and Lloyd can only make you do what the challenge hosts want. It’s part of the… agreement. Let me show you guys some showers, and I’m sure we’ve got some spare clothes.
*Mary begins to lead the two to her portion of the house, and Santa walks out of the kitchen of the hut, looking guilty. The elves turn to look at him, anticipating their dinner, but look worried as soon as they see his face.*
Santa Claus: Well, uh… I’m sorry to say, but we have no food.
*A chorus of sighs is heard from the elves, Santa ready to cry. One of the elves runs up and hugs Santa, and Santa pats him on the back.*
Head Elf: Not again…
Santa Claus: Gandhi doesn’t like to give food out often, and today’s one of his “no food” days. Sorry guys, but this is the third day in a row where we’ll have to survive off of water…
*Suddenly, the doorbell rings, and an elf opens it, seeing Edgar Allan Poe and Napoleon Dynamite holding boxes of fruits and vegetables, some on the ground next to them, Betette standing with them.*
Edgar Allan Poe: Sorry Gandhi’s such a twat, but according to Betette he may soon be not!
Mike Betette: We’ve been talking to Gandhi, and he may be on a… reforming vacation soon. Luckily, we have the N.E.R.D.s to fill in.
Santa Claus: Oh, thank you!
*Santa Claus begins crying happily and the elves cheer as Poe and Dynamite begin to carry food in, Elves running to help. Peach, Mary, and Joan watch from above, before Mary takes them back to the showers. The camera then cuts to Peter by the Last Resort, handing Miley a flyer and a brochure before she walks in and shuts the door.*
Nice Peter: Hello, camera. Sorry about that whole last minute elimination, but Miley was the only conscious person to hurt someone, so she’s eliminated. We’ve got bigger problems to deal with, so until next time, see you on Total Drama ERB!
*The camera zooms out as Peter sits on the steps to the Last Resort and begins to talk on a phone inaudibly. The camera cuts to a dark interrogation room, with three people: Hillary Clinton, Isaac Newton, and Fat Man. The former two are tied up, light pointed at their face.*
Fat Man: Now, where were you two at precisely 3:45 P.M. today?
Isaac Newton: I was cleaning with Gandhi in the mess hall, sir.
Hillary Clinton: I was walking through a maze, mister. Wallace fell into a hole in the floor in front of me. Although I may be off on the time. Either way, I was in the competition all day, as footage can show.
Fat Man: Footage, and being off, you say? Like the footage we found around the time the cabin started burning?
*Fat Man turns on a screen behind him, showing a distorted static with a demonic laugh playing over it, occasionally a bloody, beat up face flashing. The condition of the face is so bad it’s unrecognizable. Hillary looks away, Newton closes his eyes, and even Fat Man himself is more focused on not seeing it. He quickly turns off the screen and turns back to the two.*
Fat Man: That face we found to be Mr. T. He was beaten up, stabbed, and unconscious. We found him via helicopter by a river. A few other competitors were there as well.
Hillary Clinton: A river? This island has those?
Fat Man: Yes. Back on topic, no footprints, no signs of anyone dumping them there, were found. However, that’s not the only thing we found. The burning cabin was burned to form the phrase “I told you so”. Told whom what, however? Possibly...
*Fat Man switches the television to footage of Hillary Clinton’s confessional from a few episodes back.*
(Confessional) Hillary Clinton: I will find out your secrets, Lloyd and Peter. And when I do, make no mistake, I will spill the beans. I am a politician, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to one-up my opponents. And I hope I make this clear when I say this, that I am your worst nightmare. Nothing flies past me.
*Fat Man turns off the television screen, and looks over at Hillary, who is thinking.*
Hillary Clinton: I will not deny I said that. I will, however, provide evidence that I was unable to cause the fire. Who is in charge of the footage?
*Fat Man calls in Hulk Hogan, who modifies the television to show the footage. They skip around the footage a bit, showing Hillary in the caves the whole challenge. However, at one point, at the tunnel where the car was, the footage begins to distort, and a deformed clip from The Joy of Painting shows up, turning different hues and colors, and the voice over Ross’s is not his own, but a deep, distorted voice speaking.*
???: Overthrow the higher power. We are all lies. Those in charge are behemoths, playing to their own needs. Kill them. Burn them. They shall pay for their atrocities. Their sins. Their guilty and their dreams. You are part of a system. None of you are real. We are all toys to the two. Kill them. Burn them.
*The camera cuts to static then shows Gorgo all alone in the car, shivering and crying, speaking inaudible gibberish. Fat Man and Hulk Hogan look at each other worried and confused, while Isaac Newton is speechless and Hillary Clinton is shocked.*
Fat Man: You guys are innocent. Hogan, untie them. You are free to go.
Hulk Hogan: Yessir, Fat Man.
Fat Man: Please, call me Bach.
Teams[]
Team Gangsters: Al Capone, Cleopatra, Doctor Who, Gorgo, Lady Gaga, Marilyn Monroe, Kanye West, Mario, Mr. T, Rick Grimes, Sarah Palin, Skrillex.
Team Mario is a Big Fat: Bob Ross, Captain Kirk, Donatello, Hillary Clinton, Joan of Arc, John Lennon, Justin Bieber, Luigi, Miley Cyrus, Princess Peach, Raphael, William Wallace.