Story[]
Nice Peter: I’m finally fully awake!
EpicLLOYD: And I’m Frankenstein!
Nice Peter: And this is a haunting episode of Total Drama ERB!
EpicLLOYD: Haunting as in someone finally goes home!
Edgar Allan Poe: Truly scary, because the twist, is the boat ride home doesn’t exist!
Nice Peter: Shut up. So today we have a little fun with our contestants by sticking them into a haunted mansion. The catch? They have to spend one night in there without leaving. The other catch? The ghosts are real. We caught real live ghosts.
Egon Spengler: Actually, we-
Nice Peter: Here on Total Drama ERB!
Macho Man: Boo, brothers!
*The scene transitions to where the last episode left off, albeit a bit after; Mario, Cleopatra, Rick Grimes, Capone and Doctor Who are standing around Princess Peach, who is crying on a tree stump near a lake to the side of the two cabins after being carrier out of the woods*
Princess Peach: And...I was c-carried out by some thing… I do-don’t know what-t it looked like, b-but it was hairy, and ugly, with disturbing eyes…
Mario: Are we sure it-a wasn’t Bigfoot?
Princess Peach: N-no…
Al Capone: Okay, there’s something going on here. I think the hosts have something up their sleeves.
Doctor Who: This could cause some major threats to our safety. Well, unintentional threats, anyways.
Cleopatra: Are we sure this is unintentional?
Rick Grimes: She was tied up. Looks like she got scratched. To hell if this isn’t sabotage.
Mario: But-a who would do it?
*Luigi steps up to the group, carrying a vacuum*
Luigi: My-a princess, what is the problem?
Princess Peach: Who are you again?
Luigi: I am the one who-a saves you.
Al Capone: Now’s not the time, Romeo. Some serious shit happened here. We can’t treat it like a joke.
(Confessional) Luigi: I’ll-a show you treating something like a joke…
Isaac Newton: PLAY THE CRY!
*A loud battle call horn is heard as a giant, viking-esque boat pulls up to the lake as Isaac Newton is seen steering the boat, with Steve Jobs by his side, Albert Einstein in the back of the deck, writing. Also on board are Bill Gates, Bill Nye, and Carl Sagan*
Isaac Newton: Read the claim, Einstein!
Al Capone: The what?
Luigi: What-a is this a-bullshit?
Albert Einstein: As of today, the island formerly used for Total Drama ERB shall be claimed by the N.E.R.D.!
Luigi: The what-a now?
(Confessional) Doctor Who: Not these guys… oh God.
Isaac Newton: The Neerdowells Excelling in Rapscallious Doings!
Carl Sagan: Yeah!
Isaac Newton: Quiet, you.
Bill Gates: Fear the N.E.R.D.!
*Rick Grimes approaches the boat as it pulls up on shore*
Rick Grimes: I don’t know what kind of stupid challenge idea this is, but you’re all either drunk or thinking you’re getting paid. So piss off.
*William Wallace joins the competitors outside to see what the noise is*
William Wallace: What the hell is this blarney?
Isaac Newton: We have announced, we are the N.E.R.D.
Albert Einstein: We are here to claim back our rightful property!
Al Capone: Sorry, your dignity just drowned itself.
*Cleopatra giggles as Steve Jobs prepares to light a cannon before being stopped by Isaac Newton*
Isaac Newton: We shall not use force until you return what we have been beckoned to claim!
Mario: What?
Isaac Newton: I am here to take the following traitors of our loyal group: James T. Kirk and Doctor Who!
Doctor Who: Just get out already…
Rick Grimes: Looks like Who has some history.
(Confessional) Doctor Who: Ugh… the N.E.R.D. These guys follow me everywhere just to try and force me into joining. They’ve tried everything; kidnapping me, water torture, shock ‘therapy’. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure they assigned Kirk in to nab me, those dolts.
Albert Einstein: I have written a letter of the ransom nature!
Cleopatra: Oh boy.
Albert Einstein: Act 13: “No Man shall leave our club, deny entry, or escape our helpful hands, for we are not a threat.” We are to subject you all to follow this act; as of now, you are all held for entry!
*People on the island look around awkwardly as Al Capone snorts at the whole patheticness of the group*
William Wallace: I don’t want to join yer wee lil’ circle jerk!
Albert Einstein: Oh, but you shall!
Al Capone: Disgusting. We have enough people here already, if you wanted in, then you should’ve signed up when the time was available, morons. I’m tired, g’night.
Isaac Newton: This shall be your last sleep! You have been warned!
N.E.R.D.: Yeah!
*The N.E.R.D. cheer as the competitors return to the cabins, and Doctor Who stares at the ship, face skeptical.*
(Confessional) Doctor Who: As pathetic as it sounds, I fear for the others. They haven’t experienced what these guys can truly do.
*The scene transitions to the dining cafeteria in the morning, with the teams at their respective tables*
Team Mario is a Big Fat
Miley Cyrus: Here comes the plane!
*Miley Cyrus moves a spoon towards Justin Bieber’s mouth, who is twitching his head away as she stabs his cheek with the spoon*
Justin Bieber: I’m not hungry.
Miley Cyrus: Here comes the plane, you little shit.
*Miley Cyrus throws the spoon at Justin Bieber’s cheek, getting food in his eye*
Justin Bieber: Dammit! What did you do that for?!
Miley Cyrus: I swear, one day, I’m going to be the end of you.
Justin Bieber: You tell yourself that.
*Raphael sits down next to the two, carrying a tray of bacon and sausage*
Raphael: So, is that thing your daughter or something?
Miley Cyrus: Like I would want to be related to this thing.
Justin Bieber: Ditto.
Raphael: Oh? Then are you a lesbian couple or someth-
*Miley Cyrus takes Raphael’s tray and smashes his face with it*
Raphael: I’ve got nothing against gays…
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Next person who calls me a girl, I will order Miley to have me run them over.
*The camera pans to Doctor Who walking in to the cafeteria, as Captain Kirk makes his way towards him*
Captain Kirk: Doctor Who, I’m sure you saw my men thi-
Doctor Who: Oh, so you called on them, not vice versa.
Captain Kirk: Well, I’m afraid we’ve got no choice but to ta-
Doctor Who: Piss off.
Captain Kirk: No. We have no choice but to-
Doctor Who: I said, piss off you stupid dolt before I make you.
Captain Kirk: Cooperation, Who. Cooperation.
Doctor Who: I am not going to cooperate with you.
Captain Kirk: I guess we’ll have to do it my way…
*Captain Kirk pulls out his phaser as Macho Man tackles him*
Macho Man: WOAH, brother. I’m going to have to take this.
*Macho Man takes Captain Kirk’s phaser and puts it in a box with “Confiscated Miscellania written on the side, with a few pirate’s revolvers, a pistol, and some Kool-aid mix in it.*
Macho Man: No guns allowed, brother. Oh, and no swords, either.
*William Wallace and Joan of Arc hesitantly turn over their swords, William Wallace wanting to spit on Macho Man, but doesn’t due to the new “rules”*
Macho Man: Anyone else want to hurt someone?
*Al Capone puts his hands up as 3 pocket knives, 4 shanks, 2 revolvers, a tommygun, and some ammunition cases fall out of his suit*
Macho Man: Figures.
*Macho Man walks up to Bob Ross and John Lennon, who are busy making dick shapes with their food and giggling. He taps them on the shoulders, and gestures with his hand to hand something over, and unhappily, they give him their pipes, weed, and other drug-related items, then sit down and mumble on about golf*
Macho Man: We can’t have this season become a mess like last time. Just setting down some ground rules. No weapons unless the challenge calls for it, okay? And no drugs. Just uncool, brothers.
*Macho Man walks out the door to the dining hall while muttering to himself*
Rick Grimes: Uh…
*Rick Grimes looks down at the obvious revolver sticking out of it’s holster on his side.*
Al Capone: Lemme have that.
Winston Zeddmore: No, let me have it.
*Al Capone and Rick Grimes turn around to see the Ghostbusters standing behind them, hands on hips in a confident pose*
Egon Spengler: We’re the Ghostbusters.
Al Capone: Oh, I thought you were the janitors.
Santa Claus: Why does no one notice me?
Ray Stantz: We’re the challenge hosts today.
William Wallace: So they’re bringing them back, eh? Fuckin’ finally.
Peter Venkman: So, go up to the mansion on the other side of the dining hall and meet us there.
*Peter Venkman points to an old, somewhat intact house on the opposite side of the dining hall, where Nice Peter and EpicLLOYD (dressed as Frankenstein) are waiting*
Hillary Clinton: Shall do.
Sarah Palin: Suck up!
Hillary Clinton: …No, I’m just following the guidelines to winning.
Sarah Palin: Sure you are!
*The scene cuts to both teams standing outside the mansion, with Edgar Allan Poe and Michael Jackson carrying some Ghostbuster ghost containment units into the house with Egon Spengler and Peter Venkman*
Nice Peter: Alright teams, time for today’s challenge!
EpicLLOYD: In the first elimination of the season, your team must successfully capture a ghost before the day is over!
Skrillex: Seems easy, dog!
Ray Stantz: Well, if you’d like to use our machines, go ahead. We won’t cover any injuries.
Bob Ross: Injuries?
Ray Stantz: Crossing beams with these is sorta...dangerous, to say the least.
Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Ray Stantz: Exactly.
John Lennon: Trippy…
EpicLLOYD: We won’t give you any tips on how to use these things, by the way.
Doctor Who: Now wouldn’t that be wise?
EpicLLOYD: Hey, we’re just doing this for the hilarity.
Doctor Who: It won’t be funny when someone sues you.
EpicLLOYD: I didn’t know dead people and fictional property could sue.
Nice Peter: Wait...but they’re all here...alive…
EpicLLOYD: Crap. What have I done?
Doctor Who: I just assume you want us to go do the challenge?
Nice Peter: Go compete.
*The two teams run into the house as Nice Peter become really confused over the state that the majority of their contestants are in. The scene cuts to the 24 contestants standing around Egon Spengler and Peter Venkman with 2 Capture Units and Proton Packs for each team.*
Peter Venkman: The guidelines are simple. You have to get one ghost. Use these walkie-talkies to communicate with your team.
*Egon Spengler hands out walkie-talkies to the contestants; blue to Mario is a Big Fat, and beige to Gangsters*
Peter Venkman: We know when someone has got one, as the walkie talkies are always on for your team to communicate, and we have 2 systems to listen in, one for each team. Your colors, obviously, explain how that is kept track of. Your whole group must be present for the capture to make it count.
Hillary Clinton: Are we really only getting one of these Proton Packs? Doesn’t seem very practical if we don’t each have-
Winston Zeddemore: Yes, now shut up.
Egon Spengler: Now, you guys be careful. I don’t want to die now.
Al Capone: We’ll try.
Egon Spengler: What is that supposed to-
Peter Venkman: Start in 3...2...1!
*The teams stand around awkwardly for a moment, not necessarily sure where to go.*
Peter Venkman: …uhh, you guys go that way, and you the other way.
*The teams both just shrug and head off through two opposing doorways.*
Egon Spengler” I do hope our ghosts didn’t fly off...that would be horrifying.
Winston Zeddmore: Were there really two of the same guy? And both died?
Peter Venkman: I guess so.
*The camera cuts to an old living room, where Kanye West, Skrillex, and Mario are snooping around*
Mario: The-a princess would like this…
Skrillex: Totes, brozilla.
Mario: I hope my-a brother is doing good at this. Maybe then he’ll-a be noticed.
Kanye West: You mean that green twat with the overalls? He smells weird.
Skrillex: It can’t go well with the bros who smell...bro.
Kanye West: Bitch...who says that?
Mario: Poor princess… seeing how-a you two act, I doubt the-a other team’s a-no different.
Kanye West: Uh, what?
Mario: You’re a bunch of idiots.
Skrillex: Some bro needs to chill. I think it’s this bro.
*Donatello walks into the room, looking around lost, while Raphael follows behind him telling stories Donatello couldn’t care less about*
Raphael: ...and her tits were like, huge. Like, damn.
Donatello: Do you think I care?
Kanye West: AUGH!
Skrillex: What?
Kanye West: GHOST!
*Kanye West points at Donatello, and Skrillex looks over at him, then screams with him*
Skrillex: Should we get the team, bro?
Donatello: For fuck’s sake…
*Kanye West pulls out his walkie talkie, and orders his team over while Skrillex screams*
Kanye West: GHOST! GHOST! GHOST!
Raphael: Where?
Donatello: I’m a ghost now, apparently.
Raphael: I wanna join!
*Raphael pulls the lace cover off of the table, causing everything to fall onto the ground, and throws it on himself, then walks up to Kanye and Skrillex as Doctor Who bursts in with the Proton Pack*
Raphael: Oooh… boo!
Doctor Who: That’s not a ghost, you bloody idiots. That’s somebody under a tablecloth.
Skrillex: No, over there! Look!
*Skrillex points over where Donatello was, but is surprised to not see him*
Doctor Who: ...and that’s a doorway. *into walkie talkie* False alarm, guys. These two are morons.
*Static moans of annoyance can be heard through the walkie talkie*
Mario: I think we should look elsewhere.
*The four Team Gangster members walk down the hallway Doctor Who entered as Raphael bumps into the table and trips on the tablecloth*
Raphael: Dammit, that hurt.
*A ghost move in front of the camera, distorting the view, as the camera points down at Raphael lying down on the floor*
???: Finally… my chance has come. My return. Prepare youself, island.
Raphael: Uh…boo?
???: This time, your hero won’t be here to save you.
Raphael: Boo?
*Raphael lifts the tablecloth off his head right as the ghost lunges at him*
Raphael: B-boo? AUG-
*The ghost possesses Raphael as he flies back into a cabinet, knocking it over*
Raphael (Possessed): Oh, this is good.
Raphael: Don’t say that while in my body.
Raphael (Possessed): Oh, quiet.
*The camera cuts out, then switches to Al Capone, Cleopatra, and Rick Grimes searching a bedroom*
Al Capone: Any idea what a ghost looks like?
Rick Grimes: Uh… a person, but transparent?
Al Capone: How helpful.
Cleopatra: What if they’re in this closet?
Al Capone: We’re looking for a ghost, not Justin Bieber.
*Cleopatra opens up the closet, only for a Chuck Norris ghost to pop out*
Cleopatra: HOLY HELL!
Rick Grimes: Per usual.
Ghost Chuck Norris: HIYAH!
Al Capone: Wait, you died?
Ghost Chuck Norris: No! I am Chuck Norris’s dignity! Here to get revenge on YOU!
Al Capone: …what.
Ghost Chuck Norris: Come on, fight me!
Al Capone (into Walkie Talkie): TEAM!
Ghost Chuck Norris: Psyche! Bye!
*Chuck Norris’s “dignity” vanishes right as the rest of Team Gangsters, save for Sarah Palin, arrives*
Mr. T: It better be important, sucka.
Al Capone: Son of a bitch ran off!
Marilyn Monroe: Just like every girl with you.
Cleopatra: Please. I’m still here.
Marilyn Monroe: Unfortunately.
Rick Grimes: How about we go back to work? Yeah, let’s do that.
Lady Gaga: I have an idea! Let’s split up!
Mr. T: Sucka, this ain’t no Scooby Doo! We gotta be all together to get a ghost!
Gorgo: He does have a point.
Marilyn Monroe: Oh, don’t listen to him.
Mr. T: As long as the whole team is there, I’m up for anything.
Kanye West: All eleven of us!
Al Capone: Wait, wasn’t there twelve per team?
Skrillex: Dude, we voted someone off, dog. Don’t you remember?
Gorgo: No we didn’t.
Lady Gaga: Say… where’s Palin?
*The camera cuts to Hillary Clinton walking down an old hallway, analyzing everything, as Sarah Palin sneaks behind her, hiding behind everything she can*
Hillary Clinton: If I were a ghost, where would I be…
*Hillary Clinton’s eyes dart onto a painting of Vladimir Lenin, which mysteriously moved*
Hillary Clinton: Aha. So that’s where you went after the helicopter explosion.
*Hillary Clinton tries to pull out her walkie talkie, but is quickly tackled by Sarah Palin*
Hillary Clinton: Your loud high heels gave you away...and you smell of moose.
Sarah Palin: But I still lost you your chance!
*Hillary Clinton looks up at the painting of Lenin, which is now just an empty portrait*
Hillary Clinton: Damn you, Sarah.
Sarah Palin: Who’s winning now, eh?
*The camera cuts to Raphael, wandering around*
Raphael (to himself): Gotta find Donatello...he can help…
Raphael (Possessed): Oh, he can? What does he know?
Raphael: Well, he’s smart, so something on exorcism I guess.
Raphael (Possessed): I have a better idea. Go to Peter and Lloyd. They could help.
Raphael: You’re right… wait… why would you want to help me get you out?
Raphael (Possessed): I just want to say hi to some friends…
Raphael: No! You’re staying right here with me.
Raphael (Possessed): Wanna bet?
*The ghost possessing Raphael zooms his body at a high speed down to the main hallway where Peter and Lloyd are talking with Michael Jackson and Edgar Allan Poe*
EpicLLOYD: So, you guys need to go over to the boat and move it off the island. Okay?
Michael Jackson: Got it!
Edgar Allan Poe: This may work, but what if we ask politely, and they say “nay” and won’t move? The solution might be…?
Nice Peter: Blow up the boat.
Santa Claus: But I don’t want to clean it up.
Michael Jackson: Can I get a hairnet first?
EpicLLOYD: Just do it.
*Michael Jackson and Edgar Allan Poe nod as they go off to find the N.E.R.D. boat*
Nice Peter: I hope those twerps don’t become a problem later on.
EpicLLOYD: You never know.
*The camera pans to Raphael peeking around the corner of an entryway for a kitchen*
Raphael (Possessed; to himself): Yes…be distracted…perfect.
Raphael: What?
Raphael (Possessed): Shit!
*The ghost pulls Raphael behind the wall as Santa Claus pokes around the corner to look at what caused the noise*
Santa Claus: Nothing here. Must’ve been a ghost.
Raphael (Possessed; to himself): Oh can it, fatass.
*Santa Claus looks around the corner again, having heard the ghost*
Santa Claus: Don’t make me get the vacuum…
*The ghost forces Raphael to run into a closet and quietly shut it*
Raphael (whispering): Why are we hiding?
*Footsteps are heard outside of the closet, the ghost getting nervous*
Captain Kirk: Is there…anybody else here?
*Raphael slams himself into the closet door, forcing it open*
Captain Kirk: Oh… hi, Rapha…el.
Raphael: Help me, Kirk, I’m posse-
*The ghost slaps Raphael with his own hand, and Captain Kirk nods to himself*
Captain Kirk: Yep…you’re, possessed…my friend.
Raphael: No shit!
Captain Kirk: Should be easy to fix.
Raphael (Possessed): Don’t touch me, you shit!
Captain Kirk: I’ll call…the team in.
*The camera cuts to Luigi, walking down a long hallway.*
Luigi: Ahh, this-a brings back memories. Walking around, sucking up-a ghosts, shitting my pants…
*Luigi enters a room William Wallace, Joan of Arc, and Princess Peach are all in and drags his nose along a lamp, snorting the dust off of it.*
Luigi: Yup, just-a like old times. I miss those days, back when I was the star and not my stupid brother. He always gets all the attention…
William Wallace: Oh, shut yer yapper.
Luigi: *jumps back* Wah!
William Wallace: All ye ever do is whine and moan about how much ye hate yer shitehole of a brother. If ye ask me, ye should just go up to him and hang, draw, and quarter him yerself! Show him who’s the boss!
Luigi: Hmm…yeah, you’re right!
*Luigi hops off, only to trip over the back of a couch and crash onto the floor.*
Luigi: Owie…
*Joan of Arc and Princess Peach walk up to William Wallace as Luigi gets up and scurries off.*
Princess Peach: Poor not Mario…
Joan of Arc: Was it really a good idea to tell him to essentially kill his own brother?
William Wallace: Of course! Obviously, the little shite is too much of a wee lass to actually do any harm, but getting him the motivation to stand up for himself? That’s what I was goin’ for.
Joan of Arc: Hmm… Well, if you’re so sure.
William Wallace: Of course I’m sure! I’m always sure!
Joan of Arc: Heh, of course you are. I don’t doubt you for a… Peach? Peach, what’re you doing?
*Princess Peach walks up to a portrait of Vladimir Lenin.*
Princess Peach: This painting of this baldy is so interesting! He’s all red and stuff.
Joan of Arc: Just be careful. This house is full of… Peach, was he holding a gun a few seconds ago?
Princess Peach: Hmm, I’m not sure. I don’t think he-
*Suddenly, Hillary Clinton bursts into the room, tackling Princess Peach to the side as a bullet shoots out from the painting, ripping a hole in the fabric as the two girls fall to the floor.*
Hillary Clinton: There we go. We’ve got ourselves a ghost, guys!
Princess Peach: Oh, my… You saved me!
*The ghost of Vladimir Lenin slowly slips out from the painting, holding up a real gun to Princess Peach and Hillary Clinton as they scramble up off of the floor, Hillary Clinton standing in front of Princess Peach.*
Hillary Clinton: As scientifically impossible ghosts are, I really doubt death by gun isn’t.
Joan of Arc: Hold on, I’ll just call up the others and they can-
*Vladimir Lenin points the gun behind him and quickly shoots both Joan of Arc’s and William Wallace’s walkie-talkies, destroying them, before he points the gun at Hillary Clinton and Princess Peach again, slowly floating towards them.*
Hillary Clinton (whispering to Princess Peach): Alright, on my signal, I’ll create a diversion, then you make a break for it.
Princess Peach (whispering to Hillary Clinton): B-but…then he’ll shoot you.
Hillary Clinton (whispering to Princess Peach): That doesn’t matter. What matters is you getting to safety. You’re royalty, and without your guidance upon your return, your kingdom is sure to-
*Suddenly, the door bursts open again, Mario and Mikhail Gorbachev stepping in with bags of salt.*
Mikhail Gorbachev: OH YEAH!
Mario: Princess-a! I felt you were in trouble, so I’m-a here to rescue you!
Ghost Vladimir Lenin: You! You have returned as well, it seems…
Mikhail Gorbachev: I work here, now. I get decent pay and all the Kool-Aid mix I can snort!
Ghost Vladimir Lenin: Ah, so you have betrayed me, it seems. And what of Stalin and Putin? Have they turned traitorous as well? Wouldn’t surprise me if Stalin did…
Mikhail Gorbachev: Haven’t seen them since the fight last year. But that doesn’t matter! Take this! And this!
*Mario and Mikhail Gorbachev begin throwing salt at the ghost of Vladimir Lenin, quickly beginning to burn him.*
Ghost Vladimir Lenin: No! No! How is this even possible?!
Mikhail Gorbachev: I watch a LOT of TV, that’s how!
*Vladimir Lenin drops his gun and flees out through the wall, Mikhail Gorbachev chasing after him. As Mario rushes to Princess Peach’s side, Hillary Clinton sneakily pockets the gun.*
Mario: Oh, Princess! I’m-a so glad you are safe once more!
Princes Peach: Aww, you’re so sweet. *kisses Mario’s nose*
Joan of Arc: *walks up to Hillary Clinton* You were really brave there.
Hillary Clinton: It was nothing. After learning from the previous night, Mario can sense when the Princess is in danger, it was more a matter of managing to stall long enough before he arrived. If I got shot, eh, nothing much to it. As long as she got out of it safe, it would be fine.
Joan of Arc: How did you know that Lenin was here, though?
Hillary Clinton: I saw him earlier in a painting before he got away from me when Palin assaulted me. Searched after him, eventually saw him faze through the wall into this room, then chased down after him before bursting into the room. Not too complicated.
Captain Kirk (over the walkie-talkie): Calling all of Team Mario…is a Big Fat. I have…found a ghost, possessing Raphael. Meet…me by the…kitchen.
Raphael (Possessed; over the walkie-talkie): NO! Do not listen to him! I command you all, do not-
Captain Kirk (over the walkie-talkie): Over.
Joan of Arc: What do we do about our ghost?
William Wallace: The weird bald lad has that taken care of. Let him have his revenge and what not. Let’s head over to the nerd and round up the ghost he has.
Mario: As long as you-a make sure my Princess stays safe.
Joan of Arc: She’ll be fine, don’t worry. Hillary and I will keep her safe, we promise. Right?
Hillary Clinton: Of course.
*Mario kisses Princess Peach’s cheek before bouncing off out of the room.*
Hillary Clinton: How quaint. I wish I could have a relationship like that.
Joan of Arc: Aren’t you married.
Hillary Clinton: I’d prefer not talking about my marital status at the moment. Let’s continue forth, shall we?
*William Wallace, Joan of Arc, Hillary Clinton, and Princess Peach make their way out of the room. Soon, the entirety of Team Mario is a Big Fat, aside from Luigi and Donatello, arrives at the closet, Raphael tied up and muffled. Captain Kirk has the Proton Pack and the Capture Unit, setting both up.*
Captain Kirk: Is…everyone present?
Princess Peach: Yes, everyone who matters is here.
Hillary Clinton: Wait, I am suspecting that we have a couple that are not-
Justin Bieber: Just get this damn thing over with already! It doesn’t matter if some aren’t here. Not like they’ll know anyways.
William Wallace: The little lass is right.
Justin Bieber: …Miley?
Miley Cyrus: Yeah, yeah, I’m on it…
*Miley Cyrus jams Justin Bieber’s dolly over William Wallace’s foot.*
William Wallace: OWW!! Why ye little…
*William Wallace tackles Justin Bieber to the ground, proceeding to beat him up.*
Justin Bieber: Ack!! Miley, save me!!
Miley Cyrus: You’re on your own, kid.
Justin Bieber: I’m only two years younger than you!!
Captain Kirk: Quiet! This requires…concentration…
Raphael (Possessed; muffled): Mmmff!! Mmmm-mhmmpfff!!
*Captain Kirk double-fist punches Raphael, somehow managing to knock the ghost out from inside of him.*
Captain Kirk: That was easier…than I thought.
Joan of Arc: Wait a minute…
Miley Cyrus: No way.
Justin Bieber: You bitch- OW!
William Wallace: Quiet, you.
Hillary Clinton: Interesting… Everyone that’s died here truly never left and were instead turned to this intangible specter state.
Ghost Adolf Hitler: Yes! It is I, Adolf Hitlah! After my death a year ago, I’ve been biding my time, waiting for the moment to strike…
Miley Cyrus: You still haven’t changed, it seems.
Ghost Adolf Hitler: You! You’re that bratty, dim-witted girlfriend of that obnoxious nerd who somehow caused me my loss in this stupid show!
Miley Cyrus: Dim-witted?!
Bob Ross: Not cool, man…
Ghost Adolf Hitler: Oh, quiet, turtle-man. Go back to your aluminum foil hats. Weren’t you traumatized last I saw you, anyways?
William Wallace: We beat yer scrawny little arse last we saw ye, and we can do it again!
Joan of Arc: You’re nothing but a weak man that hid behind a powerful suit. No one supports you anymore.
Ghost Adolf Hitler: You went out fourth, and you’re a shitty cook. Next.
Justin Bieber: I-
Ghost Adolf Hitler: Fuck you.
Hillary Clinton: What I don’t understand is how you are a ghost in the first place. Technically, you already died when you committed suicide so many years ago.
Ghost Adolf Hitler: Suicide? I never-
Hillary Clinton: Then you returned to life again, deciding the perfect opportunity to use this second chance at humanity by joining a reality TV show, only to die. Considering you died once and never turned into this illogical ghost state, how is it that you are now? It makes no sense. This entire challenge makes no sense. This whole game show makes no sense! None of this should be even remotely possible!
Ghost Adolf Hitler: Quiet, you!! I’ve waited too long for this moment! An entire year, in fact…and I’m not going to let you, nor anyone else, ruin this for me!
Hillary Clinton: You let yourself get captured.
Ghost Adolf Hitler: I AM ADOLF HIT-
*Click. In an instant, Captain Kirk turned on the Proton Pack, a strange ray of electricity shooting and holding the ghost in place as he’s slowly lowered down into the Capture Unit.*
Ghost Adolf Hitler: -LAAAAAAAAaaaahhh…
John Lennon: …how anti-climactic.
Raphael: Oww… why is my head pounding so badly?
Captain Kirk: We…captured the ghost that…possessed you.
Raphael: And I missed it? Dammit! Where’s Donny? He always helps comfort me in times like this.
Joan of Arc: Who?
Raphael: Eh, nevermind. So, we gonna take this baby to Peter and Lloyd or what?
Captain Kirk: Indeed we… shall.
*Team Mario Is A Big Fat then proceeds to do so, carrying the Capture Unit and Proton Pack back with them. As they do, the scene switches to Team Gangsters, excluding Kanye West and Skrillex and Sarah Palin exploring a bedroom.*
Lady Gaga: Is it really so wise for all of us to be in here at the same time? Feels really cramped.
Mr. T: Just stay close to me, Lady. I’ll, uhh…keep you safe.
Marilyn Monroe: Sheesh, and they filed me for sexual harassment?
Lady Gaga: What’s that supposed to mean?
Rick Grimes: Can you guys stop arguing for five seconds?
Mario: I-a hate to be a bore, but he’s running away.
Mr. T: Who?
*Mario points out to the doorway, where the Ghost Chuck Norris flips them off then runs down the hall.*
Lady Gaga: Quick, everyone! Get him!
Gorgo: I suggest we corner him by Lloyd and Peter while I go look for Palin.
Al Capone: Whatever suits you.
Doctor Who (into walkie-talkie): Kanye, Skrillex, we need you meet us down by Peter and Lloyd. We’re on pursuit after a ghost and-
Kanye West (over the walkie-talkie): No need, dude, I’ve already got us a ghost.
Doctor Who (into walkie-talkie): I don’t believe you, as you’re an idiot, you don’t have the Proton Pack, and we need to all be together when we catch this ghost.
Kanye West (over the walkie-talkie): Well, obviously I haven’t caught it yet, man. We’re still chasing it down!
Doctor Who (into walkie-talkie): But you said...oh, forget it. Just chase it down to where Peter and Lloyd are. Maybe we’ll get extra points for two ghosts.
*Team Gangsters begin chasing down the hallway, splitting up so half of them will manage to cut Ghost Chuck Norris off on both sides.*
Rick Grimes: We better hurry and find the three nutjobs before the other team finds Peter and Lloyd.
Al Capone: Three? Who else besides Kanye and Skrillex?
Gorgo: I thought we established this.
Al Capone: Whatever helps us.
*The scene cuts to team Mario is a Big Fat, sans Luigi and Donatello, walking towards Lloyd, with a happy grin across their face.*
EpicLLOYD: And what may you have there?
Captain Kirk: We have… a ghost.
Nice Peter: That’s nice and all, but… do you have your team?
Hillary Clinton: What did I tell you as we walked here?
Raphael: Oh yeah, we never found Don.
Rest of the team: Who?
*Donatello walks up to the group, rather pissed off, as Kanye West and Skrillex jump around him screaming like imbeciles. Other than Raphael, Donatello’s team is confused as to who he is, but then shrug as they are closer to winning.*
Donatello: …somebody kill them.
Kanye West: THE GHOST SPEAKS!
Skrillex (into walkie talkie): GET HERE NOW, BRO DOGS!
*Ghost Chuck Norris jogs past on the balcony, as Team Gangsters races after him*
Kanye West: What are they doing?
Hillary Clinton: Winning for you two, you im-
*Sarah Palin knocks out Hillary Clinton*
Sarah Palin: Take that!
*Team Mario is a Big Fat turns and glares at Sarah Palin, who is smack talking the unconscious Hillary Clinton*
Nice Peter: So… you guys are still missing somebody.
*Ghost Chuck Norris jumps over the railing as Al Capone, Cleopatra, Mr. T, and Rick Grimes corner him in the doorway he tries to enter*
Mr. T: Nice try, sucka!
*Team Gangster comes running down the stairs, right as Luigi bursts through the floor, chasing Clone Hitler’s ghost*
Luigi: GET HERE AND HELP-A ME KILL MARIO!
Ghost Clone Hitler: But I feel free!
Mario: Now, Who!
*Doctor Who tries to activate the Proton Pack, but Luigi beats him, trapping Clone Hitler quickly*
Luigi: IMMA WIN!
*Luigi spits in a vase, breaking it, and a bat flies out, attacking his face*
Luigi: OW OW OW!
Peach (to Joan of Arc): Something’s up with not Mario’s mustache…
Al Capone: God dammit!
Nice Peter: Well, it looks like team Mario is a Big Fat won.
Marilyn Monroe: Aw, pooey.
*Capone throws his hat on the ground, then twists his foot on it*
Cleopatra: It’s alright, we’ve got next time.
Al Capone: I think we all know who’s going home.
Kanye West: I think it’s one of these nig-
*Al Capone grabs Skrillex and Kanye West, then hoists them off the ground, scaring them*
Al Capone: You two Scrooges ain’t getting off clean, you hear?
Skrillex: Not cool, b-bro…
Al Capone: What “ghost” were you chasing when we were actually doing work? Or are you two so dumb you chased your own shadows for an hour?
Kanye West: He’s right over there.
*Kanye West points to Donatello, who flips them off quickly*
Al Capone: You dipshits, that’s Donatello.
Skrillex: You’re cool with the ghost, homie?
Al Capone: Why do I try.
Cleopatra (to Rick Grimes): Al is so charming when he’s assertive~
Rick Grimes: Well, he does match you right now.
Cleopatra: Are you implying something?
Rick Grimes: I’m implying you’re both hot headed.
Cleopatra: What?!
Rick Grimes: I mean… you’re the perfect match. Or something.
Mr. T: So, we know who’s off?
EpicLLOYD: Well you should. You have until the ceremony to choose.
*The scene cuts to Donatello and Raphael standing outside their cabin, conversing.*
Raphael: I feel gross.
Donatello: Can’t be worse than two meatheads following you because they’re dumb enough to think you’re a ghost.
Raphael: Try to beat being possessed by Hitler.
Donatello: At least you got noticed. Well, most likely by people trying to help you. So, somewhat positively.
Raphael: True. Say… what is that boat doing here?
*The scene transitions to Edgar Allan Poe and Michael Jackson eavesdropping on the N.E.R.D.*
Isaac Newton: So, is it ready?
Steve Jobs: Yep.
Bill Gates: So, how shall we do this?
Albert Einstein: I have the remotes ready.
Captain Kirk: I have the… lockdown code.
*Michael Jackson and Edgar Allan Poe look at each other, confused as to what that is. The scene transitions to the elimination ceremony, taking place back at the end of the valley of hills, just outside of the woods. Team Gangsters sit around a campfire, each sitting on a large rock or log.*
Nice Peter: I assume you all know why I called you here.
Al Capone: ...because we lost?
Nice Peter: Because you suck.
Al Capone: Ass.
Nice Peter: Unsurprisingly, most of you got off with no votes.
Rick Grimes, Al Capone, Doctor Who, Gorgo, Lady Gaga, Marilyn Monroe, Cleopatra…
Cleopatra: Easy enough.
Nice Peter: Mr. T, Mario. Each of you getting one vote, but still safe. Unsurprisingly, considering Mario ran off on his team to save his princess on the other team. Again.
Mario: What-a can I say? I have a duty to protect-a the Princess.
Nice Peter: Sarah Palin, you abandoned your team simply so you could continue to assault Hillary Clinton. Your team needed you present and you left them.
Sarah Palin: I regret nothing.
Nice Peter: Well, you’re safe. That just leaves it down to Kanye West and Skrillex.
Skrillex: Shit, dawg… I can’t stay here without my homie!
Nice Peter: You both not only deliberately abandoned your team, but chased down a fellow contestant that you mistook for a ghost.
Gorgo: Fellow contestant?
Nice Peter: While you’re in the same boat as Sarah Palin, you caused more of a nuisance.
And tonight, the first of you to go home is…
*Kanye West and Skrillex look at one another nervously, while the rest of the team sits, impatiently waiting.
Nice Peter: …Kanye West.
Kanye West: FUCK!
Skrillex: Damn! You can’t go yet, homie!
Kanye West: I can’t spend another several months trapped in a barrel!
Nice Peter: Oh, no, don’t worry. We’ve learned from last season. Tonight, you’re going to a five-star resort, called “Last Resort”, on island not too far away. Al Capone might remember it after he crashed into it last season.
Al Capone: Oh, yeah, during that boat race.
Nice Peter: You’ll be staying there for the rest of the season, just relaxing it up and waiting for everything to blow over.
Kanye West: Sweet, bro. Guess it ain’t so bad after all!
Skrillex: But what about me? I can’t just sit around without my special bro, bro! We got a connection and all!
Kanye West: No, we don’t. See ya, losers! Your God is OUT!
*A giant hand points down from the heavens, shooting a lightning bolt down at Kanye West and shocking him violently.*
God: Fuck you.
Kanye West: Damn… *coughs out smoke*
*Hulk Hogan and Macho Man carry Kanye West down to the dock, shoving him onto a boat, waiting.*
Hulk Hogan: Yeah! First elimination of the season!
Macho Man: And more to come, brother.
Nice Peter: Oh yeah, before you leave, Kanye. We thought that you needed a friend over there to keep you company.
Skrillex: Please be me… please be me…
Nice Peter: So…
*Nice Peter opens a crate, and a young German man steps out*
Orion: KANYE!
*Orion hugs Kanye West, much to Kanye’s disgust*
Nice Peter: You two play safe now.
*Goku drives the boat to the Last Resort as everyone watches awkwardly*
Rick Grimes: So, that is truly something.
*the scene cuts to Lloyd on the old ending dock, with Goku asleep on some barrels, snoring*
EpicLLOYD: Well, we had our first elimination today. And the introduction to the far superior boat. The driver, on the other hand…
*Goku rolls off the barrels, slamming face-first into the dock, wakes up quickly, shocked, then goes back to sleep*
EpicLLOYD: So, what shall happen tomorrow? What are the nerds planning? What are the people who showed up on the boat planning? Why haven’t Poe and Jackson told me anything yet? Find out on the next Total Drama-
Goku: ERB! Ha! Got it!
EpicLLOYD: You know, it wasn’t funny the first time.
*The scene switches to a view of the upper deck of the boat, with Isaac Newton taking inventory, Albert Einstein mapping the path, and the rest setting up the army.*
Isaac Newton: You know, this is kind of expected of us.
Steve Jobs: It better be worth it. You want to know how long it took me to get these, let alone befriend them?
Bill Gates: Ah, whatever. All I know is when we release these, the whole island will join us.
Bill Nye: I’m not so sure about that. Fear us, maybe, but not join us.
Isaac Newton: What is it with you guys and “joining” and “fearing”? We’re not five year olds, here. This isn’t some petty after school tree house club. We have real weapons. And the power to destroy an island. And you’re concerned about enrolling our foe? Preposterous.
Bill Nye: Well, why else would we attack Doctor Who?
Isaac Newton: He’s left a stain on our reputation… these here babies will be the wash rag to dab it off. The end of the Who.
Dalek: EXTERMINATE!
Teams[]
Team Gangsters: Rick Grimes, Al Capone, Cleopatra, Kanye West, Doctor Who, Skrillex, Gorgo, Mario, Mr. T, Lady Gaga, Marilyn Monroe, Sarah Palin.
Team Mario is a Big Fat: Luigi, Hillary Clinton, Peach, Joan of Arc, Bob Ross, John Lennon, Raphael, Donatello, Captain Kirk, William Wallace, Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber.
