Okay so I fiiiiiinally helped write one of these (if by helped you mean writing like 5 scenes).
So here it is:
Episode[]
Episode 7: Resu-Lecter
EpicLLOYD: I’m a host!
Zach Sherwin: And I’m a ghost!
Winston Zeddmore: Oh no you ain’t!
EpicLLOYD: How’d he get here?
Zach Sherwin: Where we have 21 competitors remaining after a difficult episode last time! Now, granted, things didn’t go as I wanted, but they went somewhere. Hillary saw some shocking footage, Miley beat up Bieber, Ross is racist to potatoes, and a bunch of people got beat up. In the end, Miley went home and lots of people went to the medical unit here, but we got them healthy again and ready to play.
EpicLLOYD: Peter’s busy clearing up some things, so he’ll be gone. But this episode will still be tasty. Here on…
Hannibal Lecter: Let me out of this, I won’t bite.
*The camera cuts to the Mario is a Big Fat Cabin, where all 21 players are currently living due to the Gangsters cabin burning down. Everyone except for Bob Ross, John Lennon, Mario, and Princess Peach are some what pissed.*
Bob Ross: Hey, Lennon. What do you get when you cross an eggplant and a ty-
John Lennon: Not now, I’m listening to Salt-N-Pepa.
*Bob Ross looks at his friend to see him sitting with his ear up to a static television.*
John Lennon: This has been on the radio all day, man.
Luigi: MOVE OVER, LUIGI TRYING TO WIIIIIIN!
John Lennon: Get your own radio, tart fart.
Luigi: Imma make YOU a radio!
Al Capone: Christ, this is boring…
Raphael: Are you sure you don’t want to hear my story?
Everyone (Except Ross and Lennon): NO.
Lennon (singing to himself): Ahh, push it… push it real good.
*The camera cuts to the second floor, where Joan of Arc, Donatello, Cleopatra, Sarah Palin, and Mr. T are discussing the new room situation.*
Mr. T: I lost all my stuff, so I ain’t gonna take up much room.
Joan of Arc: Well, even then, we only have 6 rooms. Four people per room would be pushing it.
Donatello: Well, they could sleep downstairs…
Joan of Arc: What about sleeping downstairs, you guys?
Sarah Palin: Are you kidding me? I need my own space, you see! I sleep in the nude, I don’t want them seeing all this!
Cleopatra: I think I speak for all of us when I say we don’t want to see “all this” anyways.
Mr. T: We ain’t sleepin’ outside, before you suggest that. It’s bad enough the snow ain’t cleared, some freaky monster is burning things! I don’t want to be barbecue!
Mikhail Gorbachev: DID SOMEBODY SAY BARBECUE!? Because that’s what’s for dinner tonight.
*Everyone looks at Gorbachev, peaking through a window, before he slowly leaves.*
Joan of Arc: How about the kitchen…?
Sarah Palin: Are you trying to insult me? Don’t be a sexist pig, Joan!
Joan of Arc: Wha-
Donatello: I don’t think you’re helping, Sarah.
*Marilyn Monroe walks past the group, and pulls Mr. T with her down into the kitchen, and shuts the door, confusing him.*
Marilyn Monroe: Happy birthday, Mister President.
Mr. T: Wha-
*Monroe grabs T and kisses him “passionately”.*
Marilyn Monroe: Forget about that loser Lady Gaga, how about I show you what a real woman can do?
Mr. T (flustered): Look, Marilyn, you’re attractive and all, I guess. But you’re just not right for me, y’know? Plus, I think I really have a shot with Gaga this time around.
Marilyn Monroe: Ha! You think she likes you? Puh-lease. She’s got the hots for Groundskeeper Willie. You’re like a, how did she put it, “gay BFF” to her.
*Mr. T looks shocked, then sad, and then furious.*
Mr. T: That Wallace punk is really gonna get it this time!
*Mr. T storms upstairs to find William Wallace. Monroe laughs and picks up an apple and takes a bite before gagging and spitting it out. Raphael, who had been watching the whole scene through the kitchen door, snarls angrily.*
(Confessional) Raphael: How could Monroe do this to me?! ...I mean, we aren’t actually dating or anything, and I don’t think she really even notices me yet, but still! How dare she kiss other men behind my back! I’m going to show that guy what for next time I see him! You know, I bet Don set this whole thing up… I just need to figure out a way to get back at him.
*Raphael suddenly walks to find Joan of Arc, passing John Lennon and Bob Ross, who are slapping each other in the face and grunting for who knows why. Walking up the stairs, he sees Joan talking with Sarah Palin next to Donatello. He walks up to her.*
Sarah Palin: What about if I brought a moose in, let it into Luigi’s room, and- oh, hi, Donatello!
Raphael: Actually, I’m Raphael. But I do have something to say about Donatello to Joan.
Joan of Arc: What?
Donatello: Don’t you-
Raphael: Donatello is attracted to you, Joan. I don’t know why, you look kind of plain, but he is. But he’s too much of a wimp to tell you.
*An awkward pause ensues, Raphael looking back and forth between a mortified Donatello and a confused Joan of Arc.*
Donatello: Dude...not cool…
Joan of Arc: ...who’s Donatello again?
Sarah Palin: I thought red dude was him, so don’t look at me.
Donatello: I...I can’t believe you, Raph. You went too far this time…
Raphael: Oh, like getting Monroe to flirt and kiss Mr. T wasn’t enough?
Donatello: What’re you talking about, dude?
Raphael: You know exactly what I’m talking about. You know I like Monroe!
Joan of Arc: Well, this got weird fast.
Donatello: Yeah, so? I think it’s dumb, but that’s not my problem. How would I even convince her and Mr. T to kiss anyways? That sounds so convoluted and stupid.
*Another awkward pause follows as Raphael thinks over everything that just happened.*
(Confessional) Raphael: Oh god… what have I done…?
*Raphael repeatedly smacks his forehead in an act of self hatred.*
I am such an asshole… Jesus fucking christ, I fucked everything up! Ohh, man… Maybe I was wrong, maybe he didn’t set that up...maybe I’m just an idiot… Oh God, I am. I am just an idiot. I have to fix this. But how? How can I make up for what I did? How can I get him to forgive me?
(Confessional) Donatello: I will NEVER forgive him for this.
(Confessional) Joan of Arc: I guess it’s flattering to know that someone has a crush on me. ...unless Raphael is making this Donatello guy up...which he probably would, actually, thinking about it. ...unless he’s not. Maybe I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
(Confessional) John Lennon: Sometimes I wish I was a Spice Girl. They just seem so free and happy, you know what I mean? If you wanna be my lover… that’s my shit, man.
(Confessional) Bob Ross: I agree with John Lennon. No idea what he said, I just followed him in here.
*The camera cuts to a few minutes later, Sarah Palin dragging in a moose on a rope. She walks past Bieber, who screams, horrified. She stops next to him and tells him to shut up.*
Sarah Palin: You’re gonna scare Betsy!
Justin Bieber: I don’t trust those things after last season!
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Ever since last season, moose have scared me. What if instead of my jacket, they eat me? Ever thought about that, huh?
Sarah Palin: Well, you can trust her! She hasn’t done anything harm! Except the kitchen carpet. It won’t smell good in there for a while, eh?
Justin Bieber: I still don’t trust them! Or you! Or Alaska, you wannabe Canada!
Marilyn Monroe: Wait, so Alaska isn’t part of Canada?
Captain Kirk: It may… seem like Canada, but it’s… only the poor man’s… Toronto.
Sarah Palin: Cram it, Luke Thighplopper! Anyhoot, I must get my moose to Lui-my room, you see? Don’t disturb me!
*Captain Kirk looks at Sarah confused and disgusted while the moose inches closer to Bieber.*
Justin Bieber: GET IT AWAY FROM ME!
Sarah Palin: Besty, get away from that! You might catch a disease!
*Betsy slowly licks Bieber’s face, covering him in moose slobber, and he begins to cry in horror.*
Sarah Palin: Look what you did, Bieber!
Justin Bieber: Help me…
John Lennon: Look, Ross, it’s a Canada Cow!
Bob Ross: I heard that if you milk one of them, you get syrup!
John Lennon: Sweet!
Bob Ross: I know what we’re gonna do tonight!
*Bob Ross pulls out a bucket and Lennon pulls out a golf club.*
Lennon and Ross: BUCKET GOLFING!
Rick Grimes: The people here…
Nice Peter (via intercom): CHALLENGE TIME, BITCHTITS!
Sarah Palin (to herself): Now, just to drop off Betsy to my-our new room, and I’m set.
*Sarah Palin watches Luigi tumble down the stairs, get up unharmed, and walk to the door to the competition, then walks upstairs with her moose, smirking.*
Nice Peter: Hello, vict-contestants! Welcome to today’s challenge! We brought a special guest.
EpicLLOYD: We debated putting him on a leash, a cage, or using a skype call, but here he is, the one, the only, Hannibal Lecter!
*Lloyd and Peter step apart as Barney rolls in Lecter on his dolly, and stops between the two hosts. Hannibal looks over at Bieber.*
Hannibal Lecter: They got you too, eh?
Justin Bieber: Yeah, they put me in this cause I didn’t want to compete again.
Hannibal Lecter: Baltimore uses these on anyone these days, eh?
*Barney shrugs as Bieber and some of the other contestants look over at Hannibal, confused.*
Justin Bieber: Did you not want to host?
Hannibal Lecter: Nope. Quite the opposite, really. I was only allowed here in this so I don’t… ahem, hurt you guys.
Lady Gaga: What do you mean?
Nice Peter: Hannibal Lecter is… how do we put this… weird in taste.
EpicLLOYD: He’s a cannibal!
*The contestants freak out, Cleo clinging to Capone, Luigi jumping into a bush, Ross confused, Wallace getting ready to fight, and Mr. T jumping into Lady Gaga’s arms.*
Bob Ross: Sick! I’ve always wanted to be a cannonball!
John Lennon: No, you dimwit! He’s a cannibal! He eats cannonballs!
Bob Ross: Oh…
Mario: I was a cannonball once.
Nice Peter: Guys, calm down, he’s restrained. He won’t hurt any of you. Maybe.
Mario: Well, a pinball, technically.
EpicLLOYD: For this challenge...wait, what’s the challenge, again?
Hannibal Lecter: For today’s challenge, both of your teams will be required to build...statues. Yes…
Nice Peter: Out of meat!
Lady Gaga: Excuse me, I am a Democrat.
Nice Peter: Cool. Now, said statue must be made from various meats-
Hannibal Lecter: And the statues must be in the shape of historical figures, of your team’s choosing.
Nice Peter: Not anyone in the competition.
Bob Ross: Dammit! I can’t make a statue of Abraham Lincoln!
EpicLLOYD: What?
*Lloyd looks to his side to see Lincoln run off into the woods and fly away on his eagle.*
Abraham Lincoln: Caw-caw, motherfuckers!
EpicLLOYD: So… that just happened…
Hannibal Lecter: Your teams now get 45 seconds to pick your historical figure, starting… now!
*The two teams huddle together and begin discussing who they plan on sculpting out of meat*
Gangsters
Cleopatra: King Tut!
Rick Grimes: Robinson Crusoe?
Queen Gorgo: Leonidas.
Mario: Tupac?
Sarah Palin: John McCain!
Al Capone: Who?
Cleopatra: Hon, we’re deciding.
Al Capone: No, I meant, who’s Joh-
Doctor Who: John F. Kennedy!
Marilyn Monroe: Oh my, yes!~
Mr. T: Eh.
Rick Grimes: Seems good, I guess.
Lady Gaga: I’ll help. Meat is my specialty.
Queen Gorgo: But what about my beefcake?
Doctor Who: Oh, you can cook it later! Right now we need the meat for the statue!
*Queen Gorgo glances annoyed at the camera.*
Al Capone: How about we use Kennedy? I’m alright with it.
Mario: Why-a not?
Al Capone: It’s settled, for the most part. Doctor Who, you are a genius.
Doctor Who: Oh, I know!
Sarah Palin: Who gives two hoots about Kennedy?
Marilyn Monroe: I do, you ugly twat!
(Confessional) Sarah Palin: So, I’ve been thinking for a while on who to set up for failure, and I’ve been thinking… Who is someone the whole team likes? Who is someone they’d keep forever? And now it hit me… Who! My answer was in the question all along! Ha! Now to activate my propaganda… er, campaign… er, plan.
Mario is a Big Fat
Hillary Clinton: Alright, who should we choose, guys?
William Wallace: Who put ya in charge?
Hillary Clinton: No one. I was just try-
Luigi: IMMA IN CHARGE!
Joan of Arc: I hope not.
Justin Bieber: How about someone Canadian?
Bob Ross: What’s that?
John Lennon: Some kind of cult, I think.
Bob Ross: Wait, I thought you said they were they guys that ate cannonballs…
John Lennon: No, those are chameleons.
Bob Ross: Oh yeah.
Justin Bieber: Oh, please.
William Wallace: Mel Gibson, ye shiteheads.
Luigi: ME!
Captain Kirk: How about… Neil… Armst-
Luigi: ME!
Raphael: No!
Luigi: IMMA WIN!
William Wallace: And I’ll rip yer head off, lassie!
Hillary Clinton: Nice to see we could accomplish something.
Princess Peach: Queen Elizabeth? Michelle Obama?
Hillary Clinton: Eugh…
Peach: That a no?
Bob Ross: Jesus?
John Lennon: Nah, I’m bigger than him...
Hillary Clinton: By Jones, Bob Ross, you actually said something that makes sense… for once.
Hannibal Lecter: Your time is up! Team Gangsters, what historical figure did you choose?
Al Capone: We picked John F. Kennedy, Doctor Lecter.
Hannibal Lecter: Ah yes, excellent choice Mr. Capone. Team… *sigh* Mario Is A Big Fat, who did you pick?
Hillary Clinton: We chose Jesus Chri---
Bob Ross: Quintana! Jesus Quintana! From that bowling movie!
Hillary Clinton: No, we chose Jesus Christ…
Hannibal Lecter: Too late, it seems Afroman here chose for your team. Better luck next time, Mrs. Clinton…
Hillary Clinton (to herself): Son of a Republican!
(Confessional) Bob Ross: I like bowls.
Hannibal Lecter: Well, then it’s settled. Your supplies will be raw meatloaf, pepperoni sticks, and pretty much every meat known to man.
Rick Grimes: Please tell me none o’ these are someone we may know…
Hannibal Lecter: Please, mister Grimy, I would never give my food out like so.
Nice Peter: Let’s get back to the competition. You guys will have 6 hours to make your statue. Bieber, remember that paper I gave you yesterday?
Justin Bieber: You mean the one you shoved in my mouth?
Nice Peter: Yep. You’ve got immunity. You’re no use either way in that dumb dolly.
Justin Bieber: THEN TAKE ME OUT ALREADY!
EpicLLOYD: As Peter said, you have six hours. Your stations are to my left and my right.
*Lloyd points behind him, showing two identical stations with mountains of raw meat and ovens.*
William Wallace: Anyone else gettin’ hungry?
EpicLLOYD: Gangsters to my left and Fats to my right… your time begins… now!
*The teams run to their corresponding stations to start.*
Gangsters
Al Capone: So, who wants to start this off?
Marilyn Monroe: Ooh, me! I’m very familiar with Johnny’s body, if you catch my drift. *winks* (whispering) I slept with him.
Rick Grimes: Oh… kay then. That wasn’t subtle at all…
Mr. T: I think Lady Gaga should do it. She knows how to handle this much meat.
Marilyn Monroe: Heh heh…
Mr. T: What? You got a problem?
Marilyn Monroe: You could call it that…
Al Capone: I may be a big guy, but I ain’t used to handlin’ this much meat… none’ ya got any ideas on how to start?
Marilyn Monroe: I know where to start on Kennedy… rrr~…
Rick Grimes: Can we go one second without this sexual urge o’ yours takin’ over?
Mario: I’ll punch it!
Queen Gorgo: Well, what exactly does Mr. Kennedy look like?
Marilyn Monroe: One hell of a hunk… a dreamy hunk…~
Cleopatra: So we just get a big hunk of meat? Perfect! Thanks, Monroe, you’ve saved the team!
Marilyn Monroe: Cram it, sand clit.
Doctor Who: Let’s not get too involved in the competition… say, where’s Palin?
Mr. T: Dammit, she musta run off!
*The camera cuts to Palin, leaning on a tree, looking through a notepad about notes she takes on other contestants.*
Sarah Palin: Let’s see… most of the team likes him… he’s rather cheerful… too cheerful. Mr. T hates idiotic behavior, and over the top cheer could be seen as idiocy… AHA! I know exactly how to turn the team against him!
*Palin suddenly runs off back to her team, hiding her notes. She runs up to Doctor Who, who is poking raw meatloaf and looking at the selection of pork, beef, and other meat they have.*
Sarah Palin: So, how do you think Mr. T is doing?
Doctor Who: I think he’s doing alr-
Sarah Palin: I think he may be a bit sad. I dunno, just look at him…
*Sarah and Who look to see Mr. T, happily whistling and carrying a pile of raw meatloaf to a podium where Rick and Gorgo discuss what to do.*
Doctor Who: He seems pretty happy, actually. Unless he’s just really good at hiding emotions… which, from yesterday, I doubt.
Sarah Palin: Oh, eh? What happened yesterday?
Doctor Who: Well, besides the attacks, he didn’t like it when I gave him my scarf. He yelled at me, when I was just trying to be kind! Maybe I’m too nice?
Sarah Palin: No, nonsense! Mr. T loves wearing weird scarves! Why else would he have the hots for Gaga? Weird fashion, duh!
Doctor Who: I think I’ll just go apologize.
Sarah Palin: Probably. Just go over there and apologize by taking some meat from him!
Doctor Who: That’d be kinda ru-
*Sarah Palin shoves Doctor Who right into Mr. T’s large hunk of meatloaf, smooshing it and falling to the ground into raw meat. Mr. T steps back angrily, and Palin kicks a rock around near Who’s foot.*
Sarah Palin: Watch out, you klutz!
Mr. T: What the FUCK, Doctor Who?!?!
Doctor Who: I-I’m sorry, I-
Mr. T: You got a bunch of raw meat all over the ground! Now there’s dirt and shit in it!
Marilyn Monroe: Nobody wants dirty meat, Who.
Doctor Who: Mr. T, I said, I’m-
Mr. T: Watch where you’re going, dumbass!
Doctor Who: Sarah Palin shoved me!
Sarah Palin: There’s a rock by your foot, Who. Talking and walking’s not a good choice…
Mr. T: I swear, you fool, you’re getting on my nerves…
Rick Grimes: Now, now, what’s going on here?
Mr. T: Who here’s trippin’ and ruining my meat load!
Marilyn Monroe: Am I the only one loving the jokes we can make from this?
Rick Grimes: Now, T, just help Who here up and salvage what ya can… we got six hours t’ spare and no time for fooling.
*Mr. T yanks Doctor Who up by his shirt collar and pulls him up to his face.*
Mr. T: You ain’t gettin’ away with this, sucka.
(Confessional) Sarah Palin: Wow, this worked! Since this is going somewhere, maybe I should try harder… who on this team would be the last you want to piss off… Capone!
Mario is a Big Fat
*The camera shows Bob Ross playfully molding their meatloaf into a giant bowling ball, while Hillary Clinton looks at photos of Jesus Quintana, and the rest of the team put meatloaf into various shapes, confused.*
Bob Ross: Don’t you guys worry none, I’m gonna make the best Jesus.
Hillary Clinton: Well, we’re stuck with an obscure character no one gives a rat’s ass about… and Bob Ross is playing with his food.
Bob Ross: It’s not food, it’s a lifestyle, mom!
William Wallace: We’re the messeh team here! We got a buncha braindeads on our hands an’ a giggly turtle girl with a fat lover on the other team. How’re we gonna do shite?
Joan of Arc: Don’t be so hard on Peach, Wallace…
*The camera pans to Raphael, standing next to Donatello, who is angrily molding the meatloaf into something.*
Raphael: Look, Donatello, I’m sorry…
Donatello: Please.
Raphael: You understand, bro, right? The love of my life just kissed another man and I was angry, I wasn’t thinking straight. You were the first guy I saw, so I took it out on you. I didn’t purposefully try to screw things up.
Donatello: Sure… and Bob Ross is stable.
*The camera pans quickly to Bob Ross smashing an anthill with a rock, then back to Raphael and Donatello.*
Raphael: I’m really sorry, Donatello! Is there any way I can make it up?
Donatello: Yeah. Stand still.
*Donatello shoves a lump of meatloaf in Raphael’s face.*
Raphael: Is this enough?
Donatello: No. Shove some down your pants.
(Confessional) Raphael: I swear, Donatello can be kind of a dick. But I need to make this right.
*Raphael scoops up a small pile of raw meatloaf and shoves it down his pants, right as William Wallace walks up to the two.*
William Wallace: I’ve heard of experimentation, but this is ridiculous, lad.
Raphael: Oh god… it’s cold… and squishy…
Hillary Clinton: For pete’s sake, Raphael, what are you doing?!
*Hillary, Joan, and Peach walk from a sculpture of Jesus Quintana over to Raphael.*
Raphael: Donatello told me to do it so he’d forgive me…
Hillary Clinton: I don’t care who said what, this is precious material here we need to succeed! Don’t put meatloaf in your pants!
Raphael: But Donatello said-
Hillary Clinton: Go get it out of your pants! You might get e. coli or something!
*Raphael walks away to the cabin as Justin Bieber giggles at the odd lumps in his pants produced by the meatloaf, before Raphael punches him in the gut, unable to cover his “injury” due to his straitjacket.*
(Confessional) Joan of Arc: Why would you put meatloaf in your pants? Why would anyone want meat in their pants? This Donatello guy seems weird.
Gangsters
*Around 3 hours has passed. A body of John. F. Kennedy is constructed now, Marilyn Monroe carefully constructing the head while Mr. T supplies her with meatloaf, and the others fashion up a bacon suit.*
Marilyn Monroe: Needs more… charm.
Mr. T: What’s so charming about meatloaf?
Al Capone: It’s literally bread made of meat.
Rick Grimes: I don’t think that’s what it’s supposed to be used for.
Al Capone: Don’t judge me.
Rick Grimes: Whatever, man.
Marilyn Monroe: Don’t question my Kennedy.
*Abraham Lincoln swoops in on his eagle out of nowhere, landing next to Mr. T.*
Abraham Lincoln: Hello, Cleo.
Cleopatra: Do I know you?
Abraham Lincoln: What is this you’re making? Is this… John F. Kennedy?
Marilyn Monroe: Oh, yes, yes it is.
Al Capone: Whaddya want?
Abraham Lincoln: Nothing, just patrolling the island.
*Lincoln takes off on his eagle, confusing the contestants.*
Rick Grimes: Just move on.
Sarah Palin: Say, Doctor Who, sorry about causing that scene earlier.
Doctor Who: No you’re not.
Sarah Palin: You’re right. How about I try making up for it anyways?
Doctor Who: How about I go over there, and you leave?
Sarah Palin: How about you stop saying that crap about Cleopatra?
Doctor Who: ...what?
Al Capone: Say what now?
Doctor Who: I said nothi-
Sarah Palin: Doctor Who, I don’t care if Cleopatra is hot, you can’t do that!
Al Capone: Sarah, what’re you going on about?
Doctor Who: Ignore her, she’s just blabbering on and on.
Al Capone: Sarah, I don’t know what you’re doing but it ain’t funny.
Sarah Palin: Want to know what else isn’t funny? Doctor Who is planning to steal Cleo from you!
Doctor Who: Oh please, I’m not an asshole!
Mr. T: Then why’d you ruin our meatloaf?
Doctor Who: Sarah Palin pushed me!
Sarah Palin: Doctor Who, why would I do that? I may be a politician, but I’m not liar, eh!
Mr. T: Miss Palin here would never push anyone!
Marilyn Monroe: Cat fight!
Lady Gaga: Now, what’s going on?
Doctor Who: Sarah Palin said I wanted to have sex with Cleopatra, which is a lie!
Sarah Palin: Who, I never said that.
Doctor Who: I swear I heard you say that.
(Confessional) Sarah Palin: In politics, it’s not if your story is true, it’s how your opponent squirms. It doesn’t need to sound right as long as they overreact. Overreaction is the biggest giveaway when someone tries to hide something, and people overreact when someone lies about them. So if you play your cards right, you’ll get away with even the most flabbergasting lies!
Rick Grimes: Doctor Who, Sarah Palin may be a stuck up cunt-
Sarah Palin: Hey!
Rick Grimes: -But I don’t think she’s the type of person to lie! Now, someone get some more meatloaf, we need to make Kennedy’s arm.
Mr. T: We’re all out, because Who ruined some by falling on me!
Cleopatra: What’s going on…
Mario: We ran-a out of meatloaf?
Queen Gorgo: I don’t think a one-armed Kennedy is going to satisfy the judge.
Marilyn Monroe: Oh, but he’ll satisfy me…~
Sarah Palin: Capone, how would you feel if I told you Doctor Who was using you to get closer to Cleopatra?
Doctor Who: That makes no sense.
Al Capone: I’d be pretty pissed. But it’s not like it’ll ever happen.
Sarah Palin: Well, what would you say about this photo?
*Sarah Palin pulls out a photo of Doctor Who over Cleopatra’s bed, looking as if he’s reaching towards her face due to the angle of the photo.*
Sarah Palin: What do you think the context of this photo is?
Doctor Who: I was waking them up, we were running late for breakfast.
Sarah Palin: Who is this “we”? Perhaps, you and Cleo?
Doctor Who: No, the whole team. How did you even get that?
*Doctor Who tries to snatch the photo as Palin hands it to Rick Grimes.*
Sarah Palin: Quit trying to hide it, Who.
Doctor Who: I’m not trying to hide anything!
Sarah Palin: Then why are you panicking, Who?
Doctor Who: Because you’re being a twat!
Rick Grimes: Now, this looks like anything could be taking place here, but my bigger concern is why you took this pho-
Sarah Palin: If he’s waking her up, why is he reaching towards her face?
Rick Grimes: Why are you trying too hard?
Sarah Palin: Me? Trying too hard? Like Doctor Who did by putting his scarf on Mr. T?
Rick Grimes: What?
Mr. T: Doctor Who put his ugly scarf on me yesterday after he broke a computer monitor and cut off our communication with Oprah!
Rick Grimes: Why would you cut off the communication?
Doctor Who: We could do whatever we want! Without Oprah watching, we could turn around, go through a wall, anything!
Rick Grimes: Wouldn’t going through a wall be cheating?
Marilyn Monroe: Oh for crying out loud, can we finish my Kennedy? I don’t give a shit if Doctor Who tries to cheat and ruins the challenge for Mr. T! I just want my meaty hunk!
(Confessional) Sarah Palin: So, this is going kind of bad… I gotta think fast.
Mario Is a Big Fat
*Hillary Clinton, Joan of Arc, and Captain Kirk are trying, unsuccessfully, to build their statue. All they have managed is a small pile that somewhat resembles bowling shoes.*
Captain Kirk: Why… won’t this… chicken… stick to the… meatloaf?
Hillary Clinton: Look, we don’t know, okay? We’re trying just as hard as you are!
Bob Ross: Hey, Lennon. I bet you eleventy-billion dollars that I can stand on my head longer than you can!
John Lennon: Deal!
*John Lennon runs off into the distance, screaming loudly. Bob Ross continues to sculpt with his meatloaf.*
Hillary Clinton (to Joan): Look, I’m gonna go get Lennon back here. Make sure Ross doesn’t, I don’t know, set the meat on fire while I‘m gone, okay?
Joan of Arc: But… how would he even-
Hillary Clinton: Thanks!
*Hillary Clinton runs in the direction that John Lennon ran. Joan of Arc looks around at everyone, confused. Bob Ross has fallen asleep in the meat.*
Joan of Arc: Umm… everyone, listen up! Hillary had to go do… something… and she put me in charge while she’s gone. Bob Ross, wake up!
Bob Ross: No, mom!
Joan of Arc: Okay then… um… Kirk! Wallace! You two are in charge of making this guy’s legs! Luigi and Peach, you’ll be making the torso. Bieber can’t do anything… Bob and Raphael, you guys make the head. When Lennon comes back, he’ll join you guys. Hillary and I will do the arms and make sure everyone stays on task. Now get to work!
*Everyone starts working on their assigned jobs. Donatello looks around sadly.*
Donatello: Wow… am I actually invisible to her??
Bob Ross: AUGH! A FAIRY!
*Bob Ross kicks Donatello in the nuts, causing him to fall to the ground, then sprays him with a bottle of water.*
Bob Ross: Die, fairy!
Princess Peach: What are you doing?
Bob Ross: I’m protecting us from the fairy monster! The tooth fairy tried attacking us!
*Ross chucks the spray bottle down at the ground, hitting Donatello’s face.*
Donatello: I’ll need the tooth fairy after this…
*Raphael helps Donatello up.*
Raphael: Come on, you can help me work on the head.
Donatello: …
Raphael: Alright, fine, don’t answer me. But you know it’d be what Joan would want.
Donatello: ...fine. But don’t think this means I forgive you.
Raphael: Well, it’s better than nothing.
William Wallace: Whoa, whoa, wait a sec, lass! Why do you get to be in charge?
Captain Kirk: Wallace… can you just help… me with the torso first?
William Wallace: One sec, nerdy lad.
Captain Kirk: Fine… I’ll do it… myself.
Joan of Arc: Because...Hillary put me in charge?
William Wallace: But why? Yer just a wee lass. I’ve led a whole army before! I have real experience leading, more than you can say, I’m sure.
Joan of Arc: Does this really matter- ...wait, are you saying I can’t lead because I’m a girl?
William Wallace: Nay, nay, I didn’t say it was because ye was a lass. ...I said it was because yer a wee lass. What’re you, 18?
Joan of Arc: 19…
William Wallace: Close enuff. Eithe’ way, yer not a good leader. Let me lead this team, or me nation’l animal ain’t a unicorn!
Joan of Arc: What?
William Wallace: Ye heard me!
Joan of Arc: Okay, this is stupid. You’re stupid. Obviously, you aren’t fit to lead this team.
William Wallace: Ye take that back! I will hang, draw, n’ quarter ye, missy!
Joan of Arc: I feel like that’s your threat for everything…
*Hillary Clinton returns, with John Lennon carrying a bunny.*
Hillary Clinton: Okay, guys, get to work!
John Lennon: Fluffy bunny. I’m gonna name him Frank.
Joan of Arc: Finally, maybe we can get some actual work done around here…
Gangsters
*The team scrapes off some of the meatloaf from several body parts of John F. Kennedy, aside from Sarah Palin, who continues to berate Doctor Who.*
Sarah Palin: Who, you can’t just up and confront me about your secret desires for Cleopatra and then try to deny it all!
Doctor Who: At this point, I’m just going to ignore you.
Sarah Palin: I knew you were trouble from the start. Season 1 finale, I remember seeing you making googly eyes at Cleo, but I just ignored it. I didn’t think it meant anything. Now here you are!
Doctor Who: Not listening.
(Confessional) Sarah Palin: Well, this is turning sour fast. Think, Sarah, think…
Rick Grimes: Alright, so, we’ll need to even out some of the meatloaf from the rest of the body if we’re going to make this work.
Cleopatra: I’m not sure if a skinny JFK is going to satisfy the judge.
Rick Grimes: He’s a cannibal. As long as there is meat, we’re good.
Cleopatra: I don’t know. I think maybe if we-
*Doctor Who suddenly falls down on top of Cleopatra. Doctor Who pauses, awkwardly looking up at everyone staring down at him in shock, Sarah Palin included, before quickly scrambling to his feet. Al Capone helps Cleopatra up and dusts her off.*
Doctor Who: Well, that was...rather embarrassing.
Al Capone: What the heck, Who?! I thought we were cool!
Doctor Who: I swear, I tripped.
Al Capone: And just happened to land on Cleopatra? After everything Palin just said, too?
Rick Grimes: I have to admit, it does seem a bit...suspicious.
Doctor Who: Come on, weren’t any of you watching that? One of you had to see me trip.
Gorgo: Ehh...it did look pretty conspicuous, Who.
Doctor Who: Oh, come now, you can’t be serious…
Mario: Sorry, Who, but I have-a to side with them on this one.
John Lennon: BURN THE WITCH!
Gorgo: John, you’re not even on our team.
John Lennon: ...whoops.
Bob Ross: Yeah, dickweed, get your own team!
(Confessional) Sarah Palin: Hah! I’m brilliant. I don’t need to do much. Just one wrong move and they turn on each other faster than a pack of moose!
Hannibal Lecter: TIME!
Bob Ross: I THINK IT’S THREE THIRTY!
*Both teams look at their sculptures, suddenly worried at their sloppy state.*
Hannibal Lecter: Barney, roll me.
*Barney rolls Lecter to the Gangsters statue, which is missing an arm and lopsided.*
Hannibal Lecter: What is this?
Marilyn Monroe: It’s John F. Kennedy.
Hannibal Lecter: Looks like Genghis Khan.
Captain Kirk: KHAN!
Marilyn Monroe: It does not! See, look at the head!
Hannibal Lecter: You put no detail into this sculpture, there is absolutely no way that I would be able to tell what this was supposed to be a sculpture of. C+ for effort. ROLL ME, BARNEY!
*Barney rolls Lecter to the Mario is a Big Fat “sculpture”. Everyone save for Bob Ross is standing around it.*
Hannibal Lecter: And what in God’s holy name is this monstrosity?
Hillary Clinton: I’m sorry, sir. One of our teammates ran off and I had to go get him, so they didn’t have much of a proper leader. No offense, Joan.
Joan of Arc: Most of the time I was arguing with Wallace anyways, so none taken.
(Confessional) Joan of Arc: If we lose, I know who I’m voting off...
Hannibal Lecter: And who, might I ask, put you in charge, missy?
Hillary Clinton: I… uhh… nobody, technically, sir.
Hannibal Lecter: Well, this is pathetic. You don’t even get a grade, that’s how repulsive this is.
Bob Ross: His head’s a bowling ball!
*Everyone looks over at Ross, who has a ten foot meatloaf bowling ball with Jesus Quintana’s face engraved in it so well, you’d swear he photoshopped the face onto the ball.*
Hannibal Lecter: Oh my… that is the most beautiful statue I’ve ever seen!
Bob Ross: What’s a statue?
Hannibal Lecter: The accuracy in that face is… appetizing. I’m starving for a bite just looking at it!
Hillary Clinton: Bob Ross, you made this? A stupid bowling ball?
Captain Kirk: Considering Hannibal… likes it, I wouldn’t call it… stupid.
Hannibal Lecter: Say, afroman, how long did this take you?
Bob Ross: Yes.
Hannibal Lecter: What?
Hillary Clinton: I think he had done this the whole time, mister Lecter.
Bob Ross: I can’t tell time.
Hannibal Lecter: Clearly he only has genius in one reach. But my, this is… stunningly amazing. I’d give it an… A+.
*Team Mario is a Big Fat cheers while team Gangsters looks around awkwardly.*
Al Capone: Looks like we’re losin’ a third member, gents.
Marilyn Monroe: I don’t know if you guys care, but I’m taking this JFK head.
*Monroe grabs the head of their statue and leaves for the cabins, everyone looking confused at each other.*
Sarah Palin: So, Doctor Who, did your plan work?
Doctor Who: What plan?
Sarah Palin: Nothing.
*The camera cuts to the elimination ceremony at the campfire, everyone shifting around in their seats.*
Zach Sherwin: *to himself* Yeah, just shove me away for the challenge after I do the intro…
Queen Gorgo: Ahm!
Zach Sherwin: So, we decided we’d show the tapes of who you voted for in the booth. Yeah.
Santa Claus: First up, Al Capone!
(Confessional) Al Capone: Uh… Doctor Who. No clue what was up with him today. He seemed a bit weird. Not to mention he pretty much wasted our time.
Doctor Who: Sarah pushed me!
Sarah Palin: I would never do a thing like that, dontcha know?
Zach Sherwin: Up next… Cleopatra.
(Confessional) Cleopatra: Doctor Who… that was way too uncomfortable.
Doctor Who: I swear, it was Sarah Palin.
Zach Sherwin: Now for Doctor Who’s!
(Confessional) Doctor Who: Sarah Palin. I’m tired of her antics and it hasn’t even been, like, five challenges! First she starts yelling, then she trips me and blames it on a rock, then she shoves me into Cleopatra after showing off a misinterpreted photo! If I could, I’d send her off myself!
Sarah Palin: Oh, shocker. Trying to blame the politician for your politics, eh?
Doctor Who: What does that even mean?
Zach Sherwin: Now, Queen Gorgo!
(Confessional) Queen Gorgo: Al Capone is a fucking fat cunt. What does he know about leading? He didn’t even make it the furthest of anyone on his team?
Al Capone: Well sorry for getting a fatal injury. And what was Leonidas’s spot? What, seventeenth?
Queen Gorgo: You had your run, pig.
Zach Sherwin: Shut up. Geez. Now for Lady Gaga’s vote.
(Confessional) Lady Gaga: Marilyn Monroe. She’s been kind of a jerk, lately. And disgusting. And that’s coming from me.
Marilyn Monroe: Oh please, at least I didn’t wear any raw meat.
Zach Sherwin: As the wise Confucius once said, “shut the fuck up and let Zach talk”.
Mario: I don’t think Con-a-fucious said that.
Zach Sherwin: Well he did now, so cram it. Besides, it’s your vote now.
(Confessional) Mario: I’ll-a vote for myself… I feel-a bad voting anyone off.
Zach Sherwin: Can we go one season without an idiot voting for themself? Yeesh.
Mario: Idiot? Aww…
Al Capone: That’s nice of you Mario, but-
Zach Sherwin: Now for miss Monroe.
(Confessional) Marilyn Monroe: Gaga? Who? Gaga… Who? Kennedy, what do you think? *Monroe shakes the Kennedy head “no”, causing the nose to fall onto Doctor Who’s title card.* The nose knows best, haha!
Zach Sherwin: That joke was so bad Dane Cook cried. Next… Mr. T.
(Confessional) Mr. T: I have been waiting since the last challenge to do this… Doctor Who. Fuckin’ fool pissin’ me off with his stupid ugly ass scarf… take a hike, man.
Zach Sherwin: Now for Rick Grimes.
(Confessional) Rick Grimes: Sarah Palin’s been actin’ kinda wonky… I don’t trust her. It’s best to get rid of her. Like a diseased puppy, you don’t want none of it left.
Zach Sherwin: Nice puppy analogy.
Rick Grimes: Thank you.
Zach Sherwin: Now, finally, Sarah Pali-
Sarah Palin: For fuck’s sake, we all know who I voted for! Just take Who outta here!
Zach Sherwin: Santa, you heard her.
Santa Claus: Yes…
*Santa Claus grabs Doctor Who, puts him into a sack, and drags him to the Last Resort.*
Zach Sherwin: I think now’s the time to tell you guys Sarah did do those things Who said she did.
Sarah Palin: Zach, need I tell them about your unlawful use of Santa’s elves as slaves?
Zach Sherwin: What?
Sarah Palin: Oh, please. I’ve seen you sneaking elves out from Santa’s house and forcing them to clean your “castle”.
Zach Sherwin: Do not!
Sarah Palin: Explain these, then.
*Sarah Palin pulls out a bunch of papers from under her suit jacket and puts them under the camera projector after switching it to camera mode. All the notes are elves asking for help out and Zach Sherwin scribbling over them. Some are also his list of orders.*
Zach Sherwin: Where did you get those?!?
(Confessional) Sarah Palin: Word of advice… always find a way to switch the topic if you’re in the spotlight.
*The camera cuts to the dock, with Lloyd watching a boat pull in.*
EpicLLOYD: Goku, just park right… there.
Goku: I’ll do what I want!
EpicLLOYD: Oh hi, camera. Didn’t see you there.
Macho Man: Wow, dude, you’re bli-
EpicLLOYD: So, with a shocking elimination, Sarah finally proves she’s worth the spot she’s at. Which is more than she was at last season. So, will her antics continue? Will team Mario is a Big Fat get settled? Will Monroe ditch that creepy Kennedy meatloaf head? I guess we’ll find out tomorrow, on Total, Drama…
Billy Mays: ERB!
Vince Offer: I’m ready for my interview!
*The camera cuts back to the cabin, team Gangsters walking in to find that Mario is a Big Fat has found some beer cases on the table.*
Justin Bieber: Help! They’ve become animals!
*Bob Ross walks by, completely naked, pouring a bottle onto the floor as he does so.*
Bob Ross: That’s not my turtle, penis!
John Lennon: Dude, I haven’t been this fucked up since my journal!
Rick Grimes: What the heck is going on?
*Rick Grimes and Mario duck as Captain Kirk fires his laser off, blasting a hole in the wall. Raphael walks up next to him, seeming somewhat more sober but still drunk.*
Raphael: Niiiice… bet you can’t hit the chandelier!
Al Capone: Cleo, I think it’s time we went to bed.
Cleopatra: I’m with you.
Rick Grimes: I think I’ll stay up just to make sure we don’t lose the house.
*Rick turns around to see Luigi standing on a kitchen table, in nothing but a diaper, poorly playing a guitar.*
Luigi: IMMA WIN!
Mario: LUIGI! WHAT-A HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?
*As Mario runs to check on Luigi, William Wallace walks up to Sarah, Mr. T, Gaga, Gorgo, and Monroe, and hands them all a beer.*
William Wallace: Yer… stupid if ya… don’t take one.
Marilyn Monroe: Don’t mind if I do…
Mr. T: I’m waiting til after marriage…
Marilyn Monroe: Have fun dying, then.
Lady Gaga: Eh, why not?
Mr. T: Who am I kidding! I’ll take em all!
Marilyn Monroe: That’s the spirit.
*The camera zooms out on the cabin, the loud noises echoing out of the open door, silhouettes in the windows dancing like crazy. One light at the top floor goes off, being Capone and Cleopatra’s. As it continues zooming out, a ruffling is heard behind a bush, and a demonic laugh is heard. The camera then cuts to static.*
Teams[]
Team Gangsters: Al Capone, Cleopatra, Doctor Who, Gorgo, Lady Gaga, Marilyn Monroe, Kanye West, Mario, Mr. T, Rick Grimes, Sarah Palin, Skrillex.
Team Mario is a Big Fat: Bob Ross, Captain Kirk, Donatello, Hillary Clinton, Joan of Arc, John Lennon, Justin Bieber, Luigi, Miley Cyrus, Princess Peach, Raphael, William Wallace.