Candle Cove vs Happy Appy Review
Hey yo hi hello. I’m Hippie Rat and you may have noticed that I have Hurricane Mancha tacked up to my wall today. I’m going to keep it like that because I want my endless stream of failure to always be looming over my shoulder.
So what are we looking at today? Oh, Epic Rap Battles of Creepypasta okay perfect so now I have failure on the wall behind me and failure in my own fucking lap, which I awkwardly stare at as if I’m not supposed to look at the camera when I point said camera at my face.
Now, today I have a treat for you. Before we get to this battle, I am going to review the creepypastas themselves. That’s right, give me a battle with a creepypasta in it and I will give that creepypasta a free review, free of charge, it’s all yours, and you don’t have to give me anything but that sweet sweet retention and hey why are you pulling up the script to this video, what..what no just watch the fucking video you fucking-
So we start off our exploration of the only good ERBoC series to be produced by Matthew with episode ten *it shows that it’s episode nine*. I said ten. *includes Slender Man vs The Rake* Thaaaat’s better. That’s the good shit. We all love that one.
Real quick wait I haven’t been to this channel in a while, does this say “can we get the likes and dislikes to be the exact same?”? Oh and “Anthony fucking dies.” That’s just...well that’s the title of that one.
So Candle Cove! Fun fact, Candle Cove is real. That’s right, it’s for real. And you can tell because of these videos showing low-budget puppets in inconsistent settings with the same screaming sound effect as Suicide Mouse. No but like for real why does every lost episode or lost tv show creepypasta need to do shit like this? They never actually follow the information said in the story and always have so much static and noise that it’s so indiscernible from anything else that could have possibly been created. Like for once I just want someone to take a creepypasta and actually create a full piece of work inspired by it with accurate characters and accurate events that are very clearly happening as described in the lore- oh my god they did it. (Short clips of Candle Cove from Channel Zero). Okay so yeah massive props to the Syfy original show Channel Zero for actually giving more of a shit about these stories than most other dunces. But how much of a shit should we be giving?
A bit. I mean, it’s not a bad story per se. The setup is nice and the punchline hits hard, if it is a bit cliché, but the real thing that’s worth talking about are the immersion-breaking plot holes. Like, it’s presented as a forum thread, and every person who contributes to it just happens to remember the next most important bit in terms of dramatic timing one after each other in a bit too artificial of a way. Also the punchline itself, which is the revelation that adults couldn’t see the show, it only appeared as static to them, is revealed in such a way that raises some questions, the most important of which is: If your elderly mother tells you something that dismantles all of your preconceived notions of how reality works, should you believe her and assume something paranormal or sinister is occurring, or should you have her old ass tested for dementia?
Happy Appy is a lot more tedious, for two reasons: 1) it’s a lot longer. From what I could gleam there are three different canon stories to the Happy Appy lore, and just the first one alone takes like two and a half hours to read just from some online estimations. 2) it fucking sucks. Like...it really fucking sucks. And of course, for every time a shitty-ass story is released, there must also come a response to the hate. There are two options: be an angry little twat or try and save face and claim that it was supposed to be bad. So the author of Happy Appy, Dronian, made a blog post in August of 2016 to announce the secret that Happy Appy was a trollpasta all along, and every aspect that was bad was intentional. Cool. My only real response to that is: when you make something so long that is /supposed/ to be shitty, at what length can you make it before you’re trolling yourself more than you’re trolling the audience? Happy Appy is the length. That is the length. He got some people angry that he wasted days of their lives to something that was meant to be shit, but he did the same damn thing, plus more, to himself.
As for “how is it bad?” Well, I mean, do you really need an explanation, but to summarize I’ll just explain my initial attempt to read this story back in like 2013 or something. I started reading and was not really into it, because it’s your typical average everyday run of the mill lost episode creepypasta, with gratuitous child murder that somehow manages to be aired on a huge children’s network. Suspension of disbelief? Yeah, suspended right from the fucking noose. But where I just had to stop and could not for the life of me continue was the 9/11 episode, where basically Happy Appy pulls a Simpsons and predicts 9/11, but not by showing the number nine right next to the Twin Towers, this time by actually downing the fucking Twin Towers and trying to make it a dramatically horrifying scene. For developing writers, here’s a nice little Rule of Thumb: do not use pandering devices for an emotional response. Remember Me, Final Destination 3, Happy Appy, the 2004 Presidential Election, all sucked and it was at least partially due to using 9/11 to pander to the “oh no” factor. Anyway, I got to that part of the story and just had no more energy to continue reading.
So right away, before we begin, we have two different pastas with two polar opposite levels of creepypasta quality facing off against each other. If the people behind the creation of this battle had any brains, this matchup would have essentially been the Beethoven vs Bieber of creepypasta, but instead we got the Sonic.exe of rap battles. Let’s do this. Let’s just...*broken sigh* Let’s just fucking...ugh... Happy Appy vs Candle Cove by Epic Rap Battles of Creepypasta, you motherfuckers.
Announcer:
Epic Rap Battles of Creepypasta!
(*chuckles a little* Nice fucking announcer.)
...............
(Oh, get on with it! (continue “Get on with it!” montage))
Candle Cove
(ohhhhhhHHHHHH and a skeleton popped out! Look at that! Look at that skeleton! What even is..he has no bones... Oh, oh no, my mistake, he got bone hands. Bone hands... *cut to me on the phone with someone* Yeah can I have a boneless skeleton?... *do that bit for a moment, then hang up* And that’s not even factoring in this fucking smudge over here! Look at him! Frenzy specifically requested that Matthew credit the fact that he spent $40 on this costume, which is 1) not really something to brag. It looks like a waste of forty dollars. ERB managed to get somewhat usable John Lennon and Bill O’Reilly costumes, Darth Vader and Adolf Hitler costumes, and Abe Lincoln and Chuck Norris costumes, each for only fifty dollars, most likely even less than that. This is the least-convincing pirate costume I’ve ever seen. This couldn’t even pass that off as you Disney Bounding as one of Captain Hook’s crew-mates. 2) how is it bad that you bought this? This costume would never need to be bound only to a Pirate Percy cosplay, because most articles of clothing you are wearing here could be worn fucking anywhere. You bought a forty-dollar fashionable outfit. That’s it. Unless of course that plastic cutlass costed forty dollars, in which case I am very sorry that you lack the basic ability to haggle.)
vs
(Boy, you know, after that, I’m not even sure what to expect. I figured they’d go ahead and use puppets of some sort for Candle Cove but no so I’m kinda scared they’re going to do something stupid for-)
Happy Appy!
(baHAAAAAA! *dies laughing* *cut to me sitting there being serious* Well in my honest opinion, it doesn’t entirely look like an apple, it looks more like Matthew in a red shirt and red hat. And khyekis. Why is the grass wavy? What is happening? I think my favorite part of this is how he’s almost self aware that this is the strangest choice of casting ever to a point where he dramatically puts on the hat. *cuts among me putting on various hats saying these next three sentences* He just...puts on the hat. He gotta...get that hat on. ...M’lady. Like, it’s already not an apple, but he enters the shot without the top of the apple. He has to...transform into apple? I don’t know man, there were so many better options. A glob of red clay. A png.... *assertive tone* or maybe a fucking apple.)
(*cut to me at kitchen table, there’s a cutting board on it, I’m wearing my old Taco Bell apron* Hey yo hi hello and welcome back to Hippie Rat Cooks. *some faraway voice* Hippie Rat Cucks? *me again* HIPPIE RAT COOKS. Today we’re going to be creating a traditional Russian dish that google translate says is called Pom Hair Rose in French. So first you’re going to want an apple. *i slam an apple on the table and just stare at it* Then you’re going to want a stick. Now, the stick should be as ratchet as possible. You want it rusted. You want it bent. But..you also want it to be thick so that if you held the stick you can hold the apple up. You should probably aim for about as thicc...as my booty! Today I’ll be using an old screwdriver I left out in the rain once. Once you have an apple with the right ~girth~, I’m gonna want to...to...turn the apple upside down...and just....*brutally stabs the screwdriver into the apple multiple times* *randomly cut to me saying shit like “23! E tu Brute!,” “Hey, hey apple! Stick!,” and “that’s natural children” before finally starting to slam the apple against the wall, finally intercutting it with multiple shots of the apple hitting an outside wall and shots of me lighting it on fire, saying “It’s a flambé dish.”* *finally, after all that apple abuse, cut to me sitting with a new, clean apple, placed on the stick easily* And there you have it. Pom Hair Rose. Now, do not eat this, this is for show. You could use this for children’s entertainment or a rap battle so that you don’t have to get some guy to wear a red shirt and say he’s an apple but do not eat it, because that is a one way ticket..to tetaNUS AVENUE BUDDY. Haha! *cut to me taking a bite* Not bad..it’s actually- *cut to me having a seizure*)
Begin!
Skin Taker:
Lets scream! Gonna have this fruit let off some steam!
(Now, why would a fruit...let off steam? Is that...supposed to be clever? Fruits don’t just do that...)
We’re going to make this apple have Candle Cove in his dreams.
(See what I love about this is that this is the second time in the first two lines of this battle, in which they insult Happy Appy by generalizing him as an apple. It’s insulting...because that’s what he is. (New angle) “Wow you’re such a doctor.” “Ooh boy look at this ghostbuster.” “...I’m going to burn this ni-“ (Original angle) It’s not funny. It’s not original. I don’t understand this stuff entirely to be honest. Like every single creepypasta rap battle, especially the ones from this series, it’s always the same few lines. “You’ll have nightmares, things will get bloody and gory, something about red realistic eyes or something.” It’s so mundane and it’s every fucking line. And I’d probably be able to let that slide if it didn’t all sound so stupid. For example, when you /accidentally/ say “we’re going to” at the start of both lines in a couplet, you’re not smart for being anaphoric, you’re stupid for not proofreading.)
I’m the Skin Taker, the most demonic pirate ever,
(We’re kinda pressed for time here, boys. This battle’s only 36 lines long we don’t really have time for introductions. Though granted I kinda did need the introduction since there’s like no way to gauge that this Putty Patroller here is supposed to be a demonic pirate skeleton.)
I’m going to knock your noggin AND THEN YOU’LL BE SEVERED!
(“Oh no! I’m so scared! He’s going to knock my /noggin/! My poor noggin! Please no! And then I’ll be severed?” That’s a good one. That’s a good cliché. Why is there never a description of how the severing goes down? What part of him is severed? How is he severed? Is he severed into slices? Is his stick severed? Is his arms severed off? You can’t just be an entity that has been severed. Only a part of something can be described as having been severed, because there is a whole something that it could have been severed from. It’s also always treated as a great end-all be-all diss. You got some nice subtitle porn when he says that part of the lyric, there’s an extra backup vocal, it’s as if he thinks he’s /actually/ accomplishing something when he says those words. That’s adorable.)
Well of course we’re not gonna lose to a fucking piece of fruit,
(Great! Why are you here again?)
You call yourself scary? You’re just a stupid show for Nick Jr.
(How many cliché lines are going to pop up in this? “You’re not great, you’re just this!” It’s simple and lazy. Anyone can do it! Here, let’s try it ourselves! Matthew and Riley, you call yourselves rappers? You’re just a couple bronies! Zander, you call yourself an editor, you’re just a ginger! B-Lo, you call yourself a reviewer? You’re just the occasional quipper! See, half of those were more clever than anything to come out of a pre-2016 fanmade ERB, and it more than likely doesn’t even fully represent who the people I just listed are as people at this current moment or even in what they do and create, but it works for a battle like this!)
We may be puppets but we’re the ones pulling on the strings.
(Yeah, because when I read Candle Cove, my first implication is that a bunch of puppets came to life and only reveal their television show to children as an evil plot they created themselves as living puppets, and not that some other, more powerful person, who is a person and not a living puppet, did so for their own evil plot. Good one.)
We’re going to make you walk the plank, stand there, it might sting.
(So is he walking the plank? Or standing the plank? How can he do either, he doesn’t even have legs! *picture of Matthew in red shirt and red hat* Oh yeah, that’s right, he does have legs here. Well regardless, what’s going to sting? The water? His sword? Did somebody bring a bee aboard the Laughingstock again?!)
Happy Appy:
After you’re watching a dubbed Blues Clues, my show comes on next.
(<B-Lo Lorbes accent> “Ah, yes, herro, I am the Happy Appy!” <normal voice> How you gonna actually cast Brandon as Happy Appy? That’d be like if you casted him as HABIT from EverymanHYBRID. (Show clip of HABIT from EverymanHYBRID doing his thing then a clip of Brandon in Eyeless Jack vs Laughing Jack) Oh come on, Hippie, you totally set yourself up for that joke! (New angle) Love you Brandon. Hit me up if you ever wanna collab. Maybe a review of Animeme Rap Battles season 2? Sounds good. (Original angle) And what was it that Happy Appy said? “After you’re watching a dubbed Blue’s Clues my show comes on next”? That is way too many syllables to fit on the line and you know it. And there’s like three grammatical errors. For one, we’re currently on Happy Appy’s program, yet he’s introducing it as if it still has to occur. Now assuming he was stating the dubbed Blue’s Clues as past tense, then the action of his own show coming on next should also be past tense. Also, he says “After this, that happens next,” which isn’t technically a grammar mistake, but since it redundantly fills up space that you actually needed to get the words out, then yes, it was a syntactic error.)
I was buried because I was a killer but then I was reborn on the internet.
(This line is so overexplanatory, like, can you not give a full biography of yourself? I know your pasta is unbearably long, but that doesn’t mean condense it as your rap verse. Like I said, 36 lines, we’re pressed for time. And is that figuratively buried like any evidence of it existing was buried or literally buried like the Happy Appy prop itself was buried because it killed people? Did the Happy Appy prop itself actually kill people? Was Happy Appy alive? Was this thing alive? I don’t get it. Did we just catch the admission of a murderer on tape? And how does being buried require rebirth? If this is a living apple on a stick, I don’t think normal human death rules apply to it. I don’t think it will require the internet rebirthing it. If anything the internet rebirthing it does nothing because it’s still buried. Also, the entirety of this couplet was one uninterrupted shot. You may have thought I wouldn’t call to attention your lazy editing, but it was lazy editing. The entire length of this video the cuts are extremely few and far between. This whole video is extremely lazy.)
You can’t get past this Happy Apple, you’ll disappear just for show
(Again, another cliché phrase that makes no sense. He’ll disappear just for show? I mean, not only does that mean nothing, but that is purely oxymoronic. To disappear literally means to no longer be visible, meaning that it is specifically not something done just for people to see. It’s nitpicky, but that’s what’s going to happen when you don’t give me lyrics that have any meaning. And wait...did Happy Appy himself just insultingly generalize himself as “this apple.” What the fu-)
Blow you out like a candle, that’s why your name is Candle Cove.
(Nope, that’s not why. Nope. Not at all. I’m not denying he can blow them out like a candle, but I will deny the idea that that suddenly becomes the reason for their name, or even how that phrase is relevant. You already lamedropped the candle, it only makes you look dumber when you explain the lamedrop.)
I have blue, realistic eyes, I can see when you finally end.
(End what? End..WHAT? You do realize that any synonym for stop are not all synonyms for die, right? Like, I always hear “you’re going to be done” “I’ll make you stop” “see when you end”, and they’re supposed to all just mean “I’ll kill you” but that’s not what those words mean. Can I just mention how much it sounds like Brandon doesn’t give a shit? Like if you listen to the tone in his voice it sounds like he’s mocking every lame creepypasta. I mean, I’m glad that someone involved in this video has some self-awareness, but can’t everyone just be somewhat serious? Blue realistic eyes <sarcasm>yeah that sends chills down my spine. So scary. Oh no, don’t peer into his perfect aryan eyes.</sarcasm> Fucking-)
Your show is just thoughts inside of an insane kid’s head.
(I need a citation on that. This is one of the only pieces of fictional media that can’t be given an “it was all a dream” fan theory because it’s already based in the suspension of belief of the reality around you, and you’re still trying to force a fucking dream theory in this.)
You better go to school because class is dismissed.
(*sigh* You..I mean...go to school../because/ class..is dismissed... Go...to the school...in order to attend the school...but you can’t..because class is already dismissed...but the class being dismissed is the reason he’s supposed to go to school- (Cut to me stabbing the apple with the screwdriver some more.))
When you take the souls of pirate puppets, that’s natural, children.
(Who are you talking to now? Are you explaining Candle Cove’s process to children? Are you explaining Candle Cove’s process to Candle fucking Cove? What does this actually mean? This means nothing. Also, that was kind of a spazzy stabbing motion, wasn’t it? He almost lost balance.)
Skin Taker:
You’re blushing red there and it’s not because you’re an apple.
(So how do you know? How do you know he’s blushing red if he is an apple that is already completely red? I mean sure he’s a human here but that doesn’t excuse your retardation. Why mention his blushing anyway? This is a horror battle and you’re talking about your opponent BLUSHING.)
Pirate Percy:
There’s no way in hell a piece of fruit can win this rap battle!
(Hey thank you for your input, Percy, but uh can you let Skin Taker finish?! This isn’t how people rap! People don’t trade lyrics between each other like that! That’s not an actual thing! Stop with the patterns! And also STOP CALLING HIM A FUCKING FRUIT THAT ADDS NOTHING TO THIS BATTLE.)
Skin Taker:
We will rip out your realistic eyes and then cut that little stick!
(Okay, I gave you a pass when you said realistic earlier. Suspension of disbelief already strong when you used that word, which would very rarely be used, not only in conversation, but in fucking battle rap, then you said the word a second time, goddamn you.)
Pirate Percy:
Think you will harm us? It takes you ages to murder little kids!
(I mean, there’s not technically anything wrong with this line, but that doesn’t stop it from being especially boring and mundane, especially to end a four-bar phrase, plus it’s a bit wordy. I guess you could say that you’re tired of hearing the “think you can do this? But you can’t even accomplish this unrelated task,” type of lyric, but eh, I’m not really mad at it.)
Skin Taker:
They call me Skin Taker because I will Skin your whole family!
(According to my research they actually call you that because you wear the skin of the children you kill on your show. Most creepypastas are really short you know, it’s not that hard to cross-reference this shit and get your facts correct.)
Pirate Percy:
I’m a pirate but not trustworthy. I’m really thirsty.
(*laughing* I mean come on. Come the fuck on. (New angle, funny face) He’s really thirstyHippie Rat (talk). (Original angle) Well for one thirsty and family don’t really rhyme. Uh...how the fuck does not being trustworthy translate to being thirsty. In fact, trustworthy and thirsty rhyme much better, was the last line supposed to end with the word trustworthy? I guess you couldn’t do that because you needed the Skin Taker and Pirate Percy to alternate lines. I don’t..OHHHH, he means bloodthirsty. Yeah, dude, bro, man, saying “I’m really thirsty” in an intimidating tone means something COMPLETELY different than saying “I’m really bloodthirsty” in an intimidating tone, trust me. You may have been too young to understand that at this point but just know that most people think of something else when you say Hippie Rat (talk)“I’m really thirsty”Hippie Rat (talk).)
Skin Taker:
You said 9/11 was natural? Ha! What a joke!
(What makes it a joke? What’s bad about it? What’s funny about it? All you have to do is say something about it being a pandering plot device included in the story for cheap shock value. Saying “Ha! What a joke!” does not do that. Also, you really need to work on your annunciations, because it almost sounded like you said “You said 9/11 wasn’t natural? Ha! What a joke!” which, you know, is the literal opposite of what you’re saying.)
Candle Cove:
Remember to never mess with your master, Candle Cove!
(Lame. Just fucking lame. There’s nothing in this. No substance, not even rhythm. It’s just boring, lame, cliché bullshit you hear from literally every battle this series has on catalog.)
Happy Appy:
Candle Cove? Why don’t you stick a handle up your rear?
(I don’t...a handle? A han- okay well first let’s just establish that this is a lame “stick this up your ass” cliché, but a fucking handle? A handle to what, exactly? Maybe it’s a misprint. Maybe it’s supposed to say candle. Stick a candle up your rear. I dunno, that would at least be better. Especially if it’s (ok hand sign) lit. Or..maybe it’s supposed to say hand. They’re puppets so maybe they should have a hand stuck up their ass. Wait...did you try to use both jokes? Did you want to use both hand and candle so you said handle? It doesn’t fucking work like that. You can’t have both. Choose one joke and stick with it, you dumbass.)
You may not notice it yet, but I’m your biggest fear!
(I mean, this would be interesting if it actually meant anything. The only takeaway is you’re retconning Happy Appy to have telepathy, and that “you may not notice it yet” kinda depletes the strength of his argument. Also he did that awkward stabbing motion where he almost falls down again.)
You’re an abomination creation, that is a waste, but,
(I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, words that end in “-ation” are not interesting rhymes, that’s just a suffix added to the end of the word to denote it being a noun. And what the fuck is “that is a waste but”? How the fuck can you rhyme something with that for one? Also your cadence is really broken. When a couplet is a run-on sentence, you can’t break it apart into two distinct lyrics. He says “You’re an abomination creation, that is a waste, but...how can I complain? Your show is just pure imagination!” You should have said it more like “You’re an abomination creation, that is a waste but how can I complain? Your show is just pure imagination!” I know, you were younger, but the way you says it just really kills any groove that may have already been there. Also, what part of being an abomination creation makes them a waste? That’s never explained.)
How can I complain? Your show is just pure imagination!
(*gasp* I can’t believe you, just throwing around the j-word all willy-nilly like that. For shame! (New angle) You keep talking about the ending of Candle Cove. I don’t think it means what you think it means.)
You don’t like me now that I’m insane, I’ll cut through your a-hole!
(“You don’t like me now that I’m insane.” Weren’t you fucked from the beginning? What part of your sanity changed over the course of the last two minutes? And I don’t think they need another thing going up their ass at this point.)
Once I kill you all, you’ll go to heaven as dumb angels.
(I got nothing against this part save for the mildly awkward writing, this is actually kind of a funny lamedrop.)
When I’m done with you, your body will match the eyes of Forenzik.
(Muthafucka stretching like Mr. Fantastic up in here. Also does every line now have to be explanations for what will happen after he kills them? “Once I kill you all,” “When I’m done with you”?)
You two just got slaughtered by an apple on a stick!
(*sigh*. It’s funny because apple I guess. Also he did that awkward stabbing motion where he almost falls down again. (Rick and Morty “comedy comes in threes” clip.).)
Who won? Who’s next? You Decide!
( Oh look it was suggested by the guy that voiced Happy Appy. Fuck you.)
So that was Candle Cove vs Happy Appy!..... Fuck.
I don’t know what was going through everyone’s mind during production of this. My guess is that maybe at this stage in Epic Rap Battles of Creepypasta, Matthew was just addicted to consistency, even if that consistency was having humans stand in front of a green screen in order to portray every character. So instead of a skeleton, pirate, and apple, we got dark-match Observer, a very fashionable blur, and some red boi. The matchup treats the two parties as equals, because in 2014 no one knew how to compare pretty good stuff from absolute shite. It’s trite. It’s stupid. It’s ridiculous. Why was this made? Why does this still exist? Can we get the likes and dislikes to be the exact same? Is Anthony still dead? Find out in the next Rap Duel! I’m Hippie Rat and fuck.