Jill Sadelstein vs Howard Ratner is the second abomination of Horrendously Unfunny Rap Battles of History. It features the titular protagonist of Jack & Jill, Jill Sadelstein, rapping against the Uncut Gems Diamond District jeweler and gambler, Howard Ratner. It was released May 28, 2020.

This second battle is brought to you by Amont and Dragon, who helped out a lot less with this battle and only wrote lines for Jill's first verse, but still helped me out a ton nonetheless. Thanks fellas.

I decided to drop this one day before the day I actually planned to drop it because I mistakenly published the blog title earlier this week, so happy early release day !!!


Jill Sadelstein (0:09):

Jack and Jill went to Jared; He's not crippled in debt, 

Acclaimed? I disagree! You're as forgettable as they get!

The things you do in your film, now that's just nasty!

Content just like my ass 'cause it's just so gassy!

Mom always said it's better to have it and not need it

With your opening sales, I'd rather see that Cats shit!

I don't care about some stupid magic rock from Ethiopia, 

You look homeless to me, sorry if that's homophobia!

People spazzed over Razzies, I got more awards than you though!

Think you're the next Godfather? Bitch, we got Al Pacino!

Howard Ratner:

I'm up against Linda Belcher's racist lisper of a sister?

She caused a bigger mix-up than a fuckin' game of Twister!

Dealing Sixty-five G's with KG, you see?

You're still goin' full tilt sellin' out for Sony!

Meant to stay for The Weeknd, overstayed your welcome,

Your motherfuckin' brother thinks you belong to a bedlam!

Hitting big and stacking bets all in the backseat, 

Only thing you stacked there is some cheesy Parakeet!

Men'll never go Gooey over you, you make their ears numb!

You're never ever gonna hear: "Holy shit, I'm gonna cum"

Go fetch some good reviews, you sweaty unfunny slut,

After this, Jack's "gem" will no longer be Uncut!

Jill Sadelstein:

This how you win? Everyone thinks you're maladjusted!

You're busted, disgusted, never to be trusted!

You should crave family time! Maybe stay through Hanukkah,

But you got more scandals than Bill Clinton and Monica!

You may got The Big Ticket, but I flow like a Lake-r!

Can you believe I spit more gold than a jewelry maker?

My bags are packed and there's nothing left to say!

Leaving a sadder, fucked up Rat-ner with his mind blown away!

Howard Ratner:

Shoot the net with betting, I think it suits you more, 

Hell, maybe you'd get money, you box office whore!

You think an actor playing a woman is extraordinary?

Been done to death from Monty Python to Tyler Perry!

The Diamond District King! A fucking crazy-ass Jew!

Seen more middle-earth shit than that pit hair you grew!

What's it gonna take for people to forget about you?

'Bout to Dunkaccino on you--

Al Pacino:

Don't mind if I do!

What's my name? Dunkaccino!

It's a whole new game, Dunkaccino!

You want creamy goodness, I'm your friend,

Say hello to my chocolate blend!

Attica, hoo-wah, latte lite,

This whole trial is outta sight!

They pulled me back in with hazelnut too, 

Caramel swirl, I know it was you!

Everyone wants my Dunkaccino,

Can't get enough of my Dunkaccino!

Kids from seven. to seventeen-o,

Lining up for my Dunkaccino!

What's my name? Dunkaccino!



Who Won?

The poll was created at 02:25 on May 24, 2020, and so far 4 people voted.
I'm never doing this shit again.
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