Epic Rap Battles of History Wiki
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“Piet was going to help us out but I guess we’ll go on without him until we can get him back.” TK continued.


“What’s the plan?” Noah asked, the talk of escape sparked interest.


“Don’t tell anybody here.” TK looked around. “We’re keeping this a secret until it’s finalized.”


“We need to know if any of you are sick.” Coupe stood up and regained his composure and wiped the tears from his eyes. “These people have been here for a long time we’re assuming, so we’re also assuming they’ll follow the trend of other natives. Y’know, get introduced to sickness, and die off because their immune systems are too weak.”


“Piet was our main medic, so he was going to test any of you for a sickness.” TK rose from his knee and said.


“I’ve got a hell of a hangover but that’s about it.” Wonder walked away from the wall.


“Hm.” Coupe rubbed his eyes. “Then we go to plan B.”


“Which is?” Wach asked.


TK looked at Loyg for approval, and when he got it he responded, “Tetanus.”


“We need to steal some piece of metal from them, anything.” TK continued. “We’ve going to give Steeler over there tetanus and feed him a bunch.” TK chuckled. “Within a week he’ll look far more edible than any of us.”


“They’ll take him and eat him.” TK finished. “And then they’ll hopefully develop it too through food poisoning. They use the same meat source for weeks- even months, so by then most of them will get sick.”


“Have you told Steeler about it?” Noah asked.


“Best not to.” Loyg responded.


“That’s fucked up dude…” Wach muttered.


“You know what’s fucked up?” Coupe approached him. “The fact that there are cannibalistic human things kidnapping people and putting them in caves and slowly eating them one by one. You think stabbing a guy with a nail is bad? Then you haven’t been here long enough.”


“Okay dude chill…” Wach backed up from the hostility.


Coupe turned around and walked away, followed by Loyg.


Before leaving with them, TK faced them, “Sorry, he does that sometimes” referencing Coupe’s hostility.


TK jogged to catch up with the two, leaving Wach, Noah, and Wonder alone to recover from all of the day’s events.


“We’re trusting them, right?” TK asked them when he caught up to them.


The group reached the other end of the cave and Loyg leaned his crutch up against the wall and grunted as he took a seat on the rock wall and looked up at TK to respond. “Guess we have no other choice.”


“Well we do have another choice.” Coupe dropped down next to Loyg. “But I don’t feel like killing anybody is necessary.”


“Let’s hope it isn’t.” Loyg looked past TK towards the three on the other side of the cave, studying their movements.


“Smart move though.” Coupe mentioned. “Lying to them.”


“Were you going to tell them the real plan?” TK sat down on the ground facing the two up against the wall.


“I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.” Coupe’s voice faded.


“It’s interesting though.” Loyg stood up on one leg and TK rose to help him up but was ushered back down by Loyg who was handling it himself. Loyg grabbed him crutch and placed it in his armpit, continuing his sentence. “That our made up Plan B is more developed than our real one.” Loyg began to limp away.


“Where are you going?” TK turned to look at him.


“To fix that.” Loyg muttered as he continued walking away from the two.

Loyg sat down around the camp fire next to Night, Bantha, Nail and Tesla.


“Did they bring the deer in for us yet?” Loyg looked around for the 4 or 5 deer the natives leave in return for a victim.


“No.” Night kicked a log in the fire to keep it from falling out. “It’s getting dark, so it should be relatively soon.”


“Hm.” Loyg stared into the bright flames. “I saw Lexi over here, a few minutes ago, where is she?”


“She’s over in the other part of the cave taking care of that DWAS guy.” Bantha spoke up.


Bantha was a tall brown skinned man from India or Pakistan with a thick black beard and gaunt eyes.


“I think she said he’s up.” Bantha said.


Loygan looked over at Wach, Noah, and Wonder who were looking back at him. He raised his hand to catch their attention and waved them over. They stood slowly and in about ten seconds were over, staring at him silently.


“Your guy DWAS is up, he’s in the medic hole.” Loygan pointed over to a thin tunnel in the side of the cave barely large enough for a person to fit through. “Don’t worry, it’s bigger once you get inside.”


The three walked away and Wach patted him on the back as he left.


Loygan looked over his shoulder and waited for them to all get through the small opening in the cave before he turned back to face the fire.


“If you’ll excuse us Nail.” Loyg looked over to Nail who nodded and stood up, walking away from the fire and headed into the medic hole.


“Tesla.” Loygan turned to the silent one handed man. “We’ve asked you this before but now we need an answer.”


Tesla didn’t acknowledge Loyg’s presence.


“Tesla.” Loyg said more sternly.


Tesla’s eyes didn’t move from the fire.


“I know it wasn’t fun but goddammit Tesla you’re going to tell us.” Loyg grew angry.


Tesla remained fixated on the flames.


“It’s Piet we’re talking about here.” Loyg looked at Tesla’s face and for the first time since he was taken by the natives he looked back. “How did you get them to return you?”


“Did you know Loyg,” Tesla began talking with his raspy voice, “that carnivores, wild ones like wolves and lions, they won’t eat an animal that’s been struck by lightning?”


“You were… struck by lightning?” Loyg sounded confused.


Tesla looked back at Loyg with an almost disappointed look on his face. “Jesus Christ what have I told you about jumping to conclusions Loyg.” Tesla chuckled for the first time ever. “As I was saying- carnivores don’t eat an animal that’s been struck by lightning. Partially because most wild carnivores don’t like to scavenge and eat dead animals off of the ground, sometimes hungry animals will make an exception, but usually they don’t. The other reason is an interesting one, the ones that do make an exception like birds and hyenas, they won’t eat the dead animal because they don’t like the smell and taste of cooked meat, something about it isn’t appetizing to them. That’s what makes humans unique: We’re the only animals who cook our food.”


Tesla continued, “What I’ve noticed about these natives and I’m sure you’ve noticed too, they seem to have evolved differently than the rest of the homosapiens, they’re taller and stronger but not as smart. Sure they’ve got us trapped in here, that shows some kind of intelligence, but their communication and very limited amount of tools shows us that their brain capacity is no more than that of a primitive human. Now I’m not saying they’re Neanderthals or anything, but them being trapped out here in the Canadian forest like they are for thousands of years probably, they’ve only kept the essential evolutionary traits needed for survival and ditched the rest. So to say the least these things are very animal-like.”

“What are you getting at Tesla?” Loygan asked.


“What I’m saying is that I assumed that they behaved like animals do and they don’t eat cooked meat.” Tesla raised his shirt showing off the glossy scarred tissue that covered his torso. “So I rolled into their campfire.”


“Holy shit.” Night muttered as he, Bantha, and Loyg stared at the torso.


“Did anybody treat that? Like does Lexi or Nail know?” Bantha looked towards the medic hole.


“I treated it myself.” Tesla dropped his shirt, flinching when the fabric slapped against his raw flesh.


“At their camp?” Loygan wondered.


“No. They threw me out of the camp. I was lucky enough that they dropped me out next to a stream.”


“But you came back?” Night questioned.


“Allegory of the Cave.” Tesla said, referencing Loygan’s constant repetition of the story of not wanting to leave the cave.


“Oh my god Tesla you could have left.” Loyg muttered. “Gotten us some help!” He began yelling.


“Loyg stop, we’ll talk about this later.” Night put his hand on Loyg’s shoulder. “I take it you’ve reversed your philosophy? We’re escaping? Is that why you needed to know about Tesla?” Night asked.


“I’m still deciding.” Loyg muttered and looked over at Coupe and TK at the wall of the cave, followed by a nervous and uncomfortable look by Tesla.

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