| Porky Minch vs Eric Cartman | |
|---|---|
| |
| Battle information | |
| Release date | July 5, 2016 |
| Number | 39 |
| Length | 3:37 |
| Timeline | |
| Previous | Gruntilda vs The Wicked Witch of the West |
| Next | Carmen Sandiego vs Waldo |
| Beat Information | |
| Other information | |
| Actors | WonderPikachu12 The voice of the voiceless |
| Rappers |    
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| Location(s) | The Cave of the Past South Park Stormy ocean |
Come and get me, loser! Spankety, spankety, spankety!
Welcome to the fourth installment of the villains season! After scrapping Ness vs Matilda, this is essentially the first Earthbound battle in this series, so any reused references get a pass. Yes, that's a thing, shut up.
Anyways, we have the lovely Voice playing the role of South Park character, Eric Cartman in this match-up, so many thanks to him! Especially considering it was very last minute that I asked him to guest as Cartman, only right after I had uploaded Vaas vs Joker, so seriously, thank you.
Would like to dedicate this battle to Drak, cause, well, he was gonna guest in this battle as Cartman as well and was the main reason I wanted to do this, so rip.
'Secondary antagonist of Earthbound and main antagonist of Mother 3, Porky Minch, faces off against on-and-off protagonist and antagonist of South Park, Eric Cartman, to see which of these two blubbery bullies is the best.'
PROLOGUE:
Porky Minch was attempting to get as much food as he could off of the refreshments table, stuffing his face. After being knocked aside earlier by Vaas, he wanted to make sure he could get as much into his mouth as he possibly could. However, as he did, he was suddenly shoved out of the way by Eric Cartman. "Out of the way, fatass!" The overall-clad child went tumbling onto the floor, before quickly getting up to his feet as Cartman was shoveling food into his own mouth.
Porky snarled at this, stomping his feet. "Who are you calling fat, when you're even fatter than I am!?"
"Nyeehh, I'm not fat! I'm just big boned!" Cartman retorted, folding his arms. "While you're just some spoiled brat!"
"Spoiled? You mean like the food you keep shoved up your butt?"
Cartman growled in response, lunging at Porky. The blond kid yelped, jumping out of the way and hiding behind another child in the room, Regan MacNeil, using her as his shield. She was just as frightened, however, quickly moving out of the way with a scream as Cartman tackled Porky to the floor.
"To the portal, both of you!" Bowser's voice rang throughout. The two looked up to see that the space around them had grown empty, the villains around them having backed up to watch their fight. "Seriously, you guys, instead of picking fights with one another here, you gotta make sure you drag it off to the portal first. Then you can beat the living snot out of each other." Porky and Cartman grumbled as they pulled themselves off of the floor and trudged their way down the hall.
(Starts at 0:03)
EPIC RAP BATTLES: VIDEO GAMES VS HISTORY
VS
BEGIN!
Porky Minch:
(0:12)
I'm goin' down to South Park, ready to beat up this rowdy neighbor.
Cutting you will be easy when you're animated with paper!
You best fear me! I'm the final boss! I'm Eric's Nightmare!
Best run home to your slave mom! Neo-Nazis beware!
It's no wonder you're the Coon! Your show is rifled with trash!
It's just like the Sky Runner; it crashed! Now you're gonna get SMAAAASHed!!
You can't own my flow. I was even in Smash Bros!
This psychopath must really be at the end of his rope.
In this battle, I'll mash you under the feet of my statue!
How can you even think to win when all of your friends hate you?
I'm a high priest and a consultant for a mayor! What about you, sir?
You've got nothing to your name! Come and get me, loser!
"Oh, I hate jews and women and gingers and hippies,"
"And the disabled and minorities," and you're so freaking Picky!
Why don't you go stick to playing with your dildo of a kitty?
You'll never keep up with me! Spankety, spankety, spankety!
Eric Cartman:
(0:50)
MAAAAAAAM! Someone's at the door!
A gaming chore! Couldn't make past the N64!
If he tries to fuck with me, I'll choke him to his last breath,
So stay Parker-ed in Onett or get Stone-d to death!
Let me spit a stick of truth; I'll leave this butthole fractured!
More memorable character and a better rapper!
And if you doubt me? I'll bitch you out like Mrs. Broflovski!
Leave a lousy side villain crying and shouting!
I tried to describe your game; it's a drunk spelling bee!
A S N E S R P G that took some L S D!
You should bow before me! I'm evil kid authorit-ah!
Stewie Griffin? Bart Simpson? They've got nothing over me!
You've had your three games, I'm still causing disasters!
Oh my god! I don't think you could even kill Kenny, you bastard!
But I know you have that spider mech, before you try to kill me,
Why don't you try my new recipe? MINCH meat chilli!
Porky Minch:
(1:28)
*cough* *cough* You can't hurt me. Everyone I've loved has passed.
But you still couldn't get me to suck your balls, even if this was Imaginationland!
But, uhhh...I'm not into this. I've got a monster that will deal with you.
Say hello to Giygas, now die, bitch. He'll leave you Blue Blue.
Eric Cartman:
(1:37)
Those rhymes are like your art style, gay and soft,
But you trying to run for cover is pissing me off!
A story whack as scientology, but I'll do more than sue you!
You know what? Screw you! I'm bringing in Cthulhu!
Giygas:
(1:50)
...Cthulhu...
.....Cthulhu...
I'm h...a...p...p...y...
The Great "Old One" is right... I'll put gramps in his place...
You're a...Squiward disgrace, I'm famous just by my...face...
People...worship you? ...It hurts, Cthulhu...
That's not right... not... right... No one could craft love for you...
This Great Dreamer should...go...b...a...c...k....to sleep...
You can't keep up with me... I'm PK Rockin this beat...
The Cthulhu Mythos...should've kept to that...
You couldn't...hit me...with a baseball...b...a...t...
The Apple of Enlightment should've warned me of you...
So I wouldn't have to bother...with this piece of Poo...
It's time you Buzz Buzz off... You're just an octo-wuss...
And beating you?...It makes me feel...g...o...o...d...
Cthulhu:
(2:31)
ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
How can you believe to challenge me when you couldn't handle man?
Raising up from the sea, I'll leave you and your followers dead.
I've seen scarier fetuses on a school nurse's head.
It's no wonder that you're susceptible to Brainshock,
For it seems that Azathoth has a rival for the title of Blind Idiot God.
ya fm'latgh Giygas, mnahn' gof'nn-nyth.
With that, it's no wonder that Mewtwo was inspired by this.
This simple video game meme can't level with my influence,
When even Metallica pays me their respects.
I'll backslap this whack E.T. back to the Cave of the Past.
Looks like you cannot grasp the true form of my rap attack.
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
EPIC RAP BATTLES-
(Tentacles suddenly wrap around the logo and drag it down into water with a splash)
VIDEO GAbrllbblrlbrgh...
EPILOGUE:
Giygas and Cthulhu went at war with each other, fighting constantly. They were at a near even match, two timeless, powerful deities unlike any other. And what became of Cartman and Porky? Cartman had been swept out to sea while Porky was lost to time itself. What would become of them was in the hands of the gods they sought to pit against each other out of their own cowardice.
Mario, however, had no idea of these events occuring. Instead, he was flying high above, carried along by the witch's broom. Even if he was to know, it's not like there was much that he could do. These were two unstoppable deities, and the kids were too far gone to be saved, both in a figurative and literal sense.
The broom carried Mario off to an abandoned factory, the world black-and-white. Mario looked down over the edge, seeing a fallen man. Feeling bad, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a 1-up mushroom, letting it fall down onto him.
The broom continued to fly Mario along a far distance until he reached an airport. The broom shook, and force Mario to plummet the far distance towards the cement ground. The plumber hero was used to falling from great heights, so it left him little more then dazed as he peeled himself off of the ground. He groaned, shaking his head some, before hearing shouting. Turning, ready to jump into a fray to save the day, he would soon see police headed his way. "Mama-mia!" He yelped, jumping to his feet and running away as he was chased after. Meanwhile, a shady figure would board one of the nearby planes without notice.
Stop Bullying - Both Porky Minch and Eric Cartman are known bullies in their respective series, bullying the main protagonists as well as other characters featured.
Fetal ultrasound - Giygas is well-known for his visual similarities to a fetus.
