| Homer vs Dante | |
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| Battle information | |
| Release date | April 22, 2019 |
| Number | 9 |
| Timeline | |
| Previous | GLaDOS vs AM |
| Next | TBA |
| Beat Information | |
| Other information | |
| Actors | Bobdave Joeaikman |
| Rappers |   
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Ey what's up. It's been four months and a bit since I dropped GLaDOS vs AM. There are a few reasons for that. Firstly I was lazy. Secondly, I wasn't fully satisfied with the battle at the time. Thirdly, despite these dissatisfactions, I was still so proud of what I had written up till that point that I decided I would wait until the new ERB dropped to release this to maximise attention. Is that cheap? Perhaps!
This battle was suggested by someone with a pretty high suggestion success rate at this point, Kiren, and I understand that there will probably be an immediate confusion from some regarding how this qualifies as Modern vs Classic. I feel that is in some small part justified by the over a thousand years separating Homer and Dante but also by another factor which will become clear by the end of the battle. It may or may not involve Joe.
This battle is one of my favourites I've written (probably THE favourite). Not only because I think what I wrote is p good but also because I love the characters and their work. I studied Homer at A-Level and Dante for both my first year of English (yes, I know La Commedia is Italian) and in my spare time. I could go on about why it's fire and also big up Dorothy Sayers while I'm at it but I shan't. I think it's really worth thanking both my Classics teachers, and especially one who I actually went over the battle with to make sure everything held up from an academic perspective so huge thanks to him. I'll also shout out Barry who I went over a few line concepts with as well as a friend of mine I'll call Naz who gave me an idea for a line as a last minute change before release.
So we got Homer, author of epics The Iliad and The Odyssey (pretty much all we know about the dude other than his hometown. Might have even been multiple people) and he's battling Dante Alighieri, author of The Divine Comedy, a chronicle of the narrator's journey through the underworld guided by fellow epic poet Virgil and the love of his life Beatrice. Both very good and I suggest exploring them in some form (even if it's watching the uhh... moderately inaccurate Troy).
Jesus I write a lot for these. By the way this is halfway through Season 1! Only took almost three years! Enjoy!
WARNING: VERY epic B)
Instrumental: God of War Pt.II by 2Deep
Homer:[]
Sing, Goddess, of the anger of the poet
Who shall show this lowly Guido he knows zero of heroics
Because lion-hearted Homer's far the greatest of the authors
So you can leave and live or else be fated to the slaughter
I'm the Western epic's Daedalus: the guide whom you follow
Lines ply through your defense as with the arrows of Apollo
I plan to break down your Islamaphobic rantings like it’s scansion
Then send Dante and his companions down to hang out with the phantoms
My fervent stories are of warriors in search of glory
You bore a self-insert, turgid tour of Purgatory
All your infernal verses are sloppy thirds off of Virgil
And my sagas shall eclipse all nine of your circles
Dante:[]
So he spoke, and Dante was greatly unimpressed
By a lore formed of stolen whores and godly incest
For you could pray to Thor, Zeus, Dì, Anubis or Jupiter
I’d still torch you to a crisp like a loose-lippéd Lucifer
With fantastic ambition I crafted my grand vision
You used verbal transmission to issue your fanfiction
And playa, this will be my aristeia! Once I own ya
I’ll parade your bloody corpse around the border of Ionia!
Think you manufacture rapture but each chapter is a massive slog
Repetitive epithets and a less-than-epic Catalogue
Even Socrates believes you should deliver an Apology
A stodgy Odyssey can’t top a god-like Comedy
I'm a furious Cerberus, you're a crane-fighting midget
And to spit to my fly lines is thersitically hubristic
But why should I care to resist the pithy disses that you've listed
When I’m hardly even certain that you ever existed?
Homer:[]
I’d lunch on a lotus if I wished to waste time
But if you truly think you're Lucifer, the Devil May Cry
It's best to listen, no one cares about your moral position
So stop your quarrelling, descend, and practice oral tradition
Like Alexandros, you haven’t got the nads to attack
So you better pray the Gods might grant you a sack
You are no match dude, I’mma dispatch you a dactylic clapback
You can take your tertets and rima your asscrack
Perhaps that was vulgar, but I doubt that you mind
You must be used to splits down the Guelph clan’s behind
You caught fever out in exile, almost sacrificed your sons
And the only two women that you loved died young
Yet you still praise a loving God and some child in a manger?
The Gods don't give a shit unless their pride is in danger!
Your hamartia was clear from the start: You’re not smart!
Don’t throw barbs at the bard whose bars fathered your art!
Dante:[]
Ha! Please! Don’t preach to me! Your speeches are all Greek to me
You’d have to bring the whole hecatomb if you wanted beef with me
My sweet Beatrice beats Helen’s licentious appeal
Seems treating women with respect is your Achilles’ heel
I'm an MC Malebranche and my sick lyrics are pitch
So play your cards right, you won't wind up in the Burning Abyss
I wouldn’t go near your one-eyed giants and gratuitous violence
If you recited for nights upon an island of sirens
Having said that, I need beeswax for your ceaseless blathering
Like the whole Trojan War, this shit is needless battling
‘Cause you canto-verpower me, my place is in Mars
You can say hi from Limbo while you gaze at the stars
George R. R. Martin:[]
George is coming to help Dante document the price of sins
Your work blows like Aeolus, ‘cause your words are wind
I could bag the victory with them, leave you scarred like Tyrion
You could never strike a match to my pimp imp and his wisdom
My characters are beloved, you wrote horrible odysseys of bores
I pen scores of lore from horselords to the forced halls of Astapor
You thought but a tour of foreign shores in the fallout of a war
Was enough for us to forget your obsession with gay guys and gore
But there was more, one who would whore himself out for courtly love
With crusty sonnets and interpretations of what happens above
He was a warrior of Florence, I reject wholeheartedly to this philosophy
Married like Robert was to Cersei, or so I read in his biography
You can’t be stopping me, you’ll be smarting from Martin’s retaliation
I have the sweet new styles compared to your antiquated annotations
Roll up your scrolls and flyte me over how these poets should be beat
Take a leaf out from Christie and make your killings bittersweet
Announcer:[]
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
EPIC (get it) RAP BATTLES: MODERN VS CLASSIC
Hints explained[]
Do I really gotta explain this one?
Hints for the next battle[]
Coming soon...
Big thanks again to Joe, who played Martin. I loved his verse. Really felt it fit with the rest of the battle. He's probably had this written for over two years at this point so I hope he's happy to see it published.
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Mark Zuckerberg vs Alexander Graham Bell (Premiere) ● William Wilberforce vs Spartacus ● Boudicca vs Katniss Everdeen ● Jesse Owens vs Usain Bolt ● Alex Trebek vs Nostradamus ● Count Dracula vs Freddy Krueger ● Tupac vs Bach ● GLaDOS vs AM ● Homer vs Dante ● TBA ● TBA ● TBA ● TBA ● TBA ● TBA ● TBA ● TBA ● TBA (Finale) | |
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