(According to sources, Vlad once used a forest of impaled corpses to shock and repel an invading Ottoman army. He opens the battle asking the audience to picture this as a buffet, possibly exaggerating his gruesome feats.)
You call that a nightmare? I call that a Tuesday.
(Vlad wears a similar hairpiece to that of M. Bison - the main antagonist of the Street Fighter video game series - so he references the infamous "...but for me it was Tuesday" quote from the Street Fighter movie, implying that impaling his victims on spikes is just an ordinary everyday occurrence for him.)
Vlad Dracula, spawn of the devil!
(Vlad was also known as Vlad Dracula. He calls himself the offspring of the Devil, referring to the etymology of the word "dracula" from Romanian for "son of the Devil". It originally translated to "son of Drac" (dragon), which he inherited from his father Vlad the Dragon who was part of the Order of the Dragon, a chivalric order that fought the so-called enemies of Christianity, particularly the Ottoman Empire. This etymology is explained further during a segment on the battle's Behind the Scenes video.)
Dipping my bread in your weeping blood vessels!
(According to legend, Vlad was a cannibal and his favorite food was bread soaked in the blood of his victims. Here, he threatens to do the same with his opponent.)
Scorched the Earth from Hungary to Wallachia!
(Scorched earth is a military strategy that aims to destroy anything that might be useful to the enemy when retreating from a position. Any assets that could be used by the enemy may be targeted. This usually includes obvious weapons, transport vehicles, communication sites, and industrial resources. However, anything useful to the advancing enemy can be targeted including food stores and agricultural areas, water sources, and even the local people themselves. The practice can be carried out by the military in enemy territory, or in its own home territory while being invaded. It may overlap with, but it is not the same as, punitive destruction of the enemy's resources, which is usually done as part of political strategy, rather than operational strategy. Vlad went to Moldavia in 1449 or 1450, and later to Hungary. He also invaded and became the ruler of Wallachia, present-day southern Romania.)
I inspire fear, you inspire Count Chocula!
(Vlad references the Monster Cereals, a line of seasonal breakfast cereals produced by General Mills Corporation in North America. One of these three cereals is Count Chocula, whose mascot is the eponymous Count Chocula, a vampire dressed in a chocolate-brown outfit. Vlad says that while he inspires fear and bloodshed, Dracula only inspires cartoon cereal mascots.)
Stepped to the Turks and the bodies started dropping!
(Vlad fought against the Ottoman Empire when they expanded into Eastern Europe as revenge for holding him hostage as a kid and killing Vlad's father and brother.)
Put my foot on Ottomans like I was furniture shopping!
(Vlad says he walks over the people of the Ottoman Empire like he would put his feet on ottomans, optional stools for some chairs used for resting one's feet.)
I save my stakes, no need crucifix:
(A crucifix is a charm or ornament made to resemble the cross upon which Jesus Christ was left to die, and so is believed to harbor holy power used to repel vampires. A wooden stake through a vampire's heart is believed to be the most effective means of killing it, similar to the stakes Vlad used to impale his victims. Vlad says he doesn't need a wooden stake or crucifix to beat Dracula.)
I kill you with Olive Garden garlic breadsticks!
(Garlic is yet another supposed weakness of the vampire. Olive Garden is an American casual dining restaurant chain specializing in Italian-American cuisine, and they are known for serving complimentary garlic breadsticks as an appetizer. Vlad is mocking Dracula by attempting to kill him with an appetizer from a restaurant.)
I butcher men, women, and children like cows!
(Vlad mercilessly killed around 80,000 people like people would butcher cows for beef. This may be a reference to how vampire bats drink blood of cows.)
Put more meat on swords than Fogo de Chão!
(This is a reference to how Vlad impaled his victims. Fogo de Chão is a fine dining, full-service Brazilian steakhouse or churrascaria, serving rodízio style, featuring roving waiters serving barbecued meats from large skewers directly onto the seated diners' plates.)
Does this mic still work after that blah, blah, blah?
(It is often believed that "blah, blah, blah" is a recurring phrase from the Dracula of the 1931 movie, but no such dialogue has been found. "Blah, blah, blah" is also a placeholder phrase for uninteresting or indecipherable speech, so Dracula says that Vlad's raps are just chatter, asking if his microphone still works after Vlad's verse.)
Check one... two... ah, ah, ah!
(When someone checks if a microphone is on, they usually says "Checking, one, two, three". Here, Dracula refers to Count von Count of Sesame Street who usually counts objects and laughs as Dracula does in this line.)
The flex of a rear-spearing princeling can't vex me
(When Vlad impaled his victims, they would likely often be staked through the back or the rear. A princeling refers to a young prince or a ruler of a small principality. Dracula says that Vlad the Impaler's raps are just his way of "flexing"—that is, showing off—and have no effect on him.)
'Cause I nibble necks and I make it look sexy!
(Vampires are known to bite their victims in the neck to feed on their blood, and are often sexualized. Dracula says he makes blood-sucking look attractive.)
I'm Universally known for intrigue and desire!
(The character of Count Dracula, contrary to many other vampires in previous fiction and folklore, is commonly depicted as a man of taste and culture. The line is also a pun on Universal Studios, who produced the famous film adaptation of Dracula in 1931 which starred Bela Lugosi as the count. Lugosi, who was Hungarian, had an accent that was seen as "exotic" and "alluring".)
I shapeshift into mist and bone Winona Ryder!
(Shapeshifting into animals or mist is an ability possessed by vampires. Winona Ryder is an actress who portrayed Mina Harker, a character who Dracula possessed in the 1992 film, Bram Stoker's Dracula.)
Slick hair, popped collar, and a damn nice cape
(Dracula is portrayed with slicked-back hair, an upturned collar, and a long cape. He boasts that this makes him look damned good when compared to his opponent.)
While you've got less taste than an Anne Rice cake!
(Rice cakes are tasteless crackers made of baked puffed rice. Anne Rice is an American author of gothic fiction, who is perhaps best known for her series of novels, The Vampire Chronicles. Thus, Dracula says Vlad is as bland as both a rice cake and any of Anne Rice's books, especially when compared with himself.)
Your rhymes are empty, like I leave vascular systems!
(Dracula calls Vlad's raps empty like he leaves his victims' blood vessels empty when he feeds on them.)
I'd grant you the privilege of being Dracula's victim,
(Dracula says that being his victim should be considered a privilege. However...)
But the thought of biting you makes me get nauseous!
(...Dracula admits that the thought of biting Vlad in the neck would make him sick because...)
You don't look like the type that's keen on neck washes!
(...Vlad appears to be a person who does not bathe. The act of washing one's neck was a traditional preparation for being executed by decapitation. Vlad died during combat and was eventually decapitated.)
Vlad the Impaler:
Did you shapeshift those punchlines? 'Cause they mist!
(Vlad makes a pun on how vampires can shapeshift into mist to say that all of Dracula's disses missed him.)
Your skill's like your reflection: it doesn't exist!
(Vampires are known to have no reflection. Vlad claims Dracula has no skill, just like his reflection.)
I'll turn your taint to a 'tis, when I put a stick through ya!
(Taint and 'tis are shortened versions of "it ain't" and "it is". Taint is also a slang term for the perineum, the area between the genitals and anus. Essentially, Vlad is going impale this area, "creating" a new "anus".)
Haven't seen a sucker this soft, since Bunnicula!
(Bunnicula is a vampiric rabbit who serves as the eponymous protagonist of the Bunnicula novel series and its various interpretations in other media. Vlad calls Dracula soft like a bunny.)
Get beat by Count Dracula? You're smoking crackula!
("Smoking crack" is a common diss that someone is delusional. Vlad thinks that Dracula is practically on drugs if he thinks he can beat him.)
I dunk on your whackula raps like I'm Shaqula! (Ohhhhh!)
(Shaquille "Shaq" O'Neal is a former professional basketball player famous for his height, strength, and powerful dunks. Vlad continues the "-acula" rhyme scheme to say he will beat, or dunk on Dracula.)
I'm Vlad to the bone, Vlad the hat-nailer,
(Vlad makes puns on his name to say he is bad to the bone and has an amazing hat, which even looks like it has nail heads embedded into it with its gems on the bottom. This may also refer to an event where two Turkish messengers visited Vlad to pay their respects, but refused to remove their turbans for religious reasons. In response, Vlad had their turbans nailed to their heads to ensure they were never taken off.)
Vlad the commits heinous acts on rats, ask the jailer!
(When Vlad was kept prisoner in Hungary on charges of heresy, it is said that even in his cell he caught rats and small birds and impaled them on tiny sticks.)
You leeched my name, you pale son of a bitch!
(A leech is a blood sucking parasite, much like a vampire. To leech off of someone is to extort profit. Vlad the Impaler, also known as Vlad III Dracula, served as an inspiration for Count Dracula. Vampires are often depicted as pale-skinned. Vlad accuses Dracula for stealing his name and insults his skin color.)
And your weak ass gets beat by the sun at the beach!
(Another stereotypical weakness of a vampire is sunlight. However, in Dracula's case, he cannot be killed by sunlight, adding irony to Vlad's insult.)
Your slick hair and cape are all flappy razzle-dazzle,
(Vlad claims that Dracula's slicked-back hair and long cape are just for show.)
But at end of day, you're a bat and that's only half a battle!
(Vampires can turn into a winged bat/demon-like creatures. "Bat" is literally half of the word "battle", so Vlad says he will easily beat Dracula. Furthermore, it is said halfway between Dracula's verses.)
Wow! I did not know that you could read!
(In response to Vlad referencing things from Dracula's novel, in addition to the previous line involving wordplay, Dracula mocks Vlad and his bloodthirsty nature by saying he didn't know he was capable of reading. Vlad lived during the Middle Ages, a time where much of Europe was illiterate.)
That's great. Now, let's see if you can bleed! (*hiss*)
(Dracula threatens Vlad by saying he will see if he can bleed by sucking his blood. In the 1966 film, Dracula: Prince of Darkness, Dracula only communicates through hisses.)
Ha! You thought the sun could kill me? Not true!
(Contrary to popular belief, Dracula was able to stay in the sun without harm in the original Bram Stoker novel. The common misconception comes from films such as Nosferatu and Dracula (1931) where Dracula was given this weakness for plot purposes. In response to Vlad's previous statement, Dracula mocks Vlad for thinking sunlight could kill him.)
I'm the vampire so cold they call me Nosfer-achoo!
(Count Dracula claims he is so cold, he makes opponents sick. This is also a reference to the film Nosferatu which was an unauthorized version of Dracula; in it, the Dracula analogy Count Orlok brings a deadly plague with him when he arrives to England. Dracula makes a pun on both the film title Nosferatu and the "achoo" sound for sneezing.)
My syllable delivery is devilishly intricate!
(Dracula says his flow is frighteningly complex. The use of the word devil may reflect that he was named after him.)
I rock the house, once I'm invited into it!
(Some traditions hold that a vampire cannot enter a house unless invited by the owner. Dracula says that when he is invited into a house, he rocks it, or performs well.)
And here's a tidbit that you can stick a stake up:
(Dracula gives Vlad another piece of information for him to consider. He's also referencing how Vlad's head was raised on a stake.)
You're losing so bad you should join Team Jacob!
(Jacob "Jake" Black is a character in the vampire-romance series, Twilight. Many fans of the franchise, particularly teenagers, have debated whether Edward or Jacob is the better match for Bella, another character in the series. Both sides of the debate have coalesced around informal "teams" of followers, whether "Team Jacob" or "Team Edward". In a poll in 2008, Team Jacob got 2,641 votes and Team Edward got 5,130 votes, and a poll done by Top 7 with over 43,000 votes had Jacob trailing Edward by around 3,000 votes. Dracula is saying Vlad should join the side which is considered to have lost.)
(R. M. Renfield is a fictional character that appears in Bram Stoker's 1897 Gothic horror novel Dracula, possessed by Dracula.)
R. M. Renfield:
(Renfield answers to Dracula's command.)
Call a doctor, not Seward (ugh!)
(John "Jack" Seward, M.D. is another character from Bram Stoker's 1897 Gothic horror novel Dracula. Throughout the novel, Seward conducts ambitious interviews with Renfield in order to understand better the nature of life-consuming psychosis.)
'Cause Vlad the Impaler has just been skewered!
(The traditional method of killing a vampire is by impalement with a wooden stake. A stake could alternately be known as a skewer, primarily in a cooking reference, as with skewering meat of a dead animal.)
Vlad the Impaler:
Transylvania maniac win belts like Wrestlemania.
(A championship belt is a large, extravagantly designed belt used primarily in combat sports such as boxing, mixed martial arts, and professional wrestling events such as WrestleMania to signify the champions of the promotion or company.)
You 8-bit my whole style and get whipped like Castlevania.
(This is a reference to the Castlevania video game series by Konami where the main protagonist, Simon Belmont, fights Dracula with his whip. The game is modelled in an 8-bit graphics style, although Vlad uses this as a pun to say Dracula bit, or stole, his style. This is also a reference to how Dracula bites people.)
Everybody plays you, even cuckoo Sandler do you.
(The line has a double meaning: to get "played" is to get tricked; Dracula has been portrayed by multiple actors including Adam Sandler in the Hotel Transylvania animated film series. Sandler is known for playing silly, obnoxious characters, with many of his films having negative reviews. Vlad is saying that if even a non-serious actor like Sandler can play Dracula, this Dracula shouldn't be taken seriously.)
Tell old man Christopher Lee he count better when he's Dooku.
(Christopher Lee portrayed Dracula in the 1966 film, Dracula: Prince of Darkness, and also Count Dooku in the Star Wars franchise.)
Speaking of bite, your rhymes are bloody awful.
(Vlad uses a pun on the fact that Dracula bites people and sucks their blood to say his disses aren't very harsh.)
I've seen better writing in a Twilight novel.
(The Twilight vampire-romance novels are widely regarded as one of the worst book and film series of all time, but even Vlad thinks they have better writing than Dracula's lines.)