Voltaire Title Card.png
Zach Sherwin as Voltaire
Character information
Birth name François-Marie Arouet
Nickname(s) Voltaire
Dr. Ralph
Born November 21, 1694
Paris, France
Died May 30, 1778 (aged 83)
Paris, France
Physical description
Hair Gray
Eyes Brown
Based on
Voltaire Based On.png
Rap battle information
Appeared in Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers
Vs The Eastern Philosophers
Socrates (last verse)
Release date July 6, 2015
Official vote(s) 38% (Old poll from ERB Website)
Location(s) Western landmarks
Dishing out more disses than letters and pamphlets and plays I've been publishing!
— Voltaire

Voltaire battled the Eastern Philosophers as part of the Western Philosophers, alongside Socrates and Nietzsche in Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers. He also turned against Socrates partway through the battle. He was portrayed by Zach Sherwin.

Information on the rapper

Voltaire was born on November 21st, 1694, in Paris, France, under the name of François-Marie Arouet. He was a French Enlightenment writer, historian, and philosopher. He was known for his wit and his outspoken advocacy of freedom of religion and expression as well as the separation of church and state. He was openly against monotheistic religion, particularly Judaism, although his most well-known attacks were on the Catholic Church.

Voltaire was also an established and versatile writer, having written more than 20,000 letters and 2,000 books and pamphlets. He wrote in many literary forms, including plays, poems, novels, essays, and historical and scientific works. His most famous works are Candide (which he wrote under the pseudonym of "Dr. Ralph", pretending it was translated from the German language), Zadig, and the Treatise on Tolerance. He used satire frequently, criticizing intolerance, religious dogma, and the French institutions of his day, all under the risk of suppression by strict censorship laws. He died at the age of 83 on May 30th, 1778, in Paris, France.

Voltaire is remembered and honored in France as a courageous polemicist who indefatigably fought for civil rights and who denounced the hypocrisies and injustices of the Ancien Régime. He particularly had admiration for the ethics and government as exemplified by Confucius. He is also known to have been an advocate for coffee (as he was reported to have drunk it 50–72 times per day), for his rivalry with Jean-Jacques Rousseau, and for his correspondences with many European sovereign in the XVIII century.


[Note: Voltaire is in orange, while Socrates and Nietzsche are in regular text. All philosophers rapping together is in italics.]

Verse 1:

I'm coming off the Acropolis to start some pandemonium.

Don't bring limp raps to a pimp slap symposium!

The mad gadfly, philosophy was my invention!

Rolling with the flyest nihilist, and me, their French henchman!

We've got the wisdom and the wit that even I couldn't question!

Dropping Western medicine on these East infections!

It's evident you've never been our type of mental brethren!

We're better thinkers, better speakers, better lovers, better men!

Verse 2:

Oh, I'll give you something you can bow and kowtow to

When I squat down and squeeze out a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu!

You need to take control of the life you're given!

They call me Übermensch 'cause I'm so driven!

And I'm a freethinker, so confronting conformists like you? It's my job!

Got a sharp wit like a spit that'll skewer you like a Confu-shish kebab!

(Oh!) You flubbed the mission. I'm beating your submissive ass into submission!

Dishing out more disses than letters and pamphlets and plays I've been publishing!

Now that we've covered the two Yin and Yang twins, I can move on to Jackie Chan!

Sun Tzu, I'll be picking apart your Wu with my method, man!

The seminal general isn't so tough on the mic; all your men must be like, "Yo, what happened?"

You're pitiful lyrically. Lucky for history, you didn't author The Art of Rapping!

Verse 3:

I wouldn't exactly call myself a student of this plebe.

Don't make Nietzsche come over and put a knee up in your chi!

'Cause I'm N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E,

And I'll end any mother fucker like my name in a spelling bee!

Plebe, bitch? I'm toxic like a hemlock sip!

Hang a sandal on the door 'cause you can suck Soc's dick!

Sacré bleu, Socrates! You're making things a little tense!

Come, let's blind these Chinese heinies with some shiny bright enlightenment!

I'll not be taught camaraderie from a frog who rigged the lottery!

You make a mockery of ethics, so keep your fat nose in your coffee!

Let me be frank: don't start beef with the Frank,

Who hangs with B. Franks, giving ladies beef franks!

Scrapped lyrics

Like, how did these boring geeks from the Far East get invited?

Well, I hope they can speak their minds better than they can write it!

Oh, I'm delighted by their writing; such charming little thoughts

From such charming simple little men in charming little smocks!

What a fearsome trio! Yes, but what does it all mean?

It means the fate of these ancients is about to be seen!

We got the logical means to philosophically dominate your rhetoric

And get it boiled down to its essentials till it's evident!

And call me Übermensch 'cause I'm so driven!

I'm Voltaire; I'm fucking fabulous, bitch!


Motherfucking French, bitch!

I'm Voltaire; motherfucking French, bitch!

That covers the Yin and Yang twins; now it's on to Jackie Chan!

I'll Chang your Wu with my Method, Man!

You're supposed to be the tough one, dude, what happened?

History's lucky that you didn't write The Art of Rapping!

Wise guys from the East are supposed to be the best,

But we've seen more flavor in a Panda Express!

Our philosophy flourishes! Western culture has ascended!

While even your descendants seem a bit disoriented!

Ooh, is this going to be like one of your schoolboy lessons?

Oh, do teach the Prussian what the Greeks consider wrestling!

Why don't you keep your fat French nose in your coffee?

The most impressive thing you ever did was rip off your own lottery!

Who hangs out with B. Franks, giving the chicks beef franks!

Sacré bleu, I'm the one you'll kowtow to,

When I squat down and drop a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu!

When I squat down and drop a Tao of Pooh on who?

Lao Tzu!


  • Voltaire is Zach Sherwin's first character to be on the same side as Nice Peter's character.
    • He is Sherwin's second character to not have an opponent portrayed by Peter, after Stephen King.
  • Although some of his lyrics were scrapped, they were later reworked and said by Nietzsche.
  • He is the only philosopher in the battle that doesn't have facial hair.


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